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CLINICAL DEPRESSION
I remember suffering from it when I was 12 year of age. As I was born in India, where no body knew what depression meant. An attack of depression came when I was 16 year old. It was 1955 and I was in high school. It got triggered by some boy I wanted to be a friend and for some reason he did not want to be my friend. The reason he did not want to be my friend was depression. It was catch 22. This condition made me suffer through out my life.
Before your read about clinical depression, I like to explain some thing. Only in India, you see a girl. You fall in love. You get hurt etc. Without ever meeting or talking to the girl.
I was in 7th grade when I joined a library. It was an old library build around 1870’s. It has a book collection no body had. I got an obsession to read novels in Hindi language. I was getting a book every day and finishing it. I read Chandrakanta, Bhootnath, Jai Shanker Parshad novels, Munshi Prem Chand novels. The effects of these novels turned me into an emotional creature. Events represented in the novels were affecting my thinking. I somehow wanted to fall in love like the characters of the novels. These thoughts affected my life again and again. I must have read about 1000 novels from this library.
I wanted to fall in love, there has to be girl around. Then about age 17 we knew a family which was distantly related to my family. They had 4 daughters. Each one of them was very beautiful. After few meeting of the family I liked one of them called Kelly. I got somehow obsessed with her. Although she liked me but it was almost impossible to meet her any other place except her house. In India girls are watched all the time. I was always looking for excuses to go to her house and see her. Of course it became too obvious to the elder members of the family. Parents showed annoyance toward me. I stopped going to their house when it became harder to find excuses. Another stupid thing I did was to write the girl’s name on all the electric poles in route to the market, which every body went by. I don’t know if the girl saw it or not. I did not meet her again. However I would hang around near her house, in the hope that Kelly might come out. I never saw her again. Some boys who lived nearby noticed me hanging around. For some reason the boys get mad in India if they see someone on their turf. It is enough to excite them. The boys came and warned me to get lost. They told me, never to come here or they will beat me up. This warning made me never to go back in that direction. I did not see her family again. I recently met parents of Kelly. Kelly's father remembered me. He told me how highly he thought of me. I wonder why his wife was so nasty to me when I tried to meet the girls.
I must have been about 17 after I passed the 10th grade. My father saw my depressed state and suggested me to find a job which might relieve my condition. Every thing else has already failed by then There was Army-Navy recruiting office near my school. I applied for the job of Navy Electrician. I had to appear in a written examination. The examination was in general knowledge. I scored 49 grades out of 100. Fortunately or unfortunately, I failed to score 50 grades out of 100 as required by the recruiter. Had I passed that exam, my life would have been different . The main reasons for failure was depression, which was out of control and my dad did not know what to do.
There was another family who was related to us. My cousin Jane was married in that family. Her elder brother in law had a 4 daughters. These were the most beautiful girls I would ever see in my life. One girl Nancy was of my age. I did not see her that often. Once I spent about a week at Nancy father's farm. During my visit I rarely got to talk to her. The Nancy was famous for her beauty. She was like a model with perfect feature. One of my friend Bal. introduced me to a his friend Jamun. The Jamun was an ugly looking creature. He frequently visited prostitutes in the city. One day I, Jamun and Bal. were together. The subject of Nancy came up. The Jamun said something totally unbelievable. He suggested he had been sleeping with Nancy for last 3-4 years. I immediately felt depression and jealousy attacking me. Here was a most beautiful girl of town sleeping with this ugly stupid boy. After that whenever Nancy and Jane came to our house for a visit, I would taunt Nancy about Jamun. I did not see any expression change on Nancy face. However my cousin would just repeat what I said. I could not ascertain if the story of Jamun and Nancy had any truth or not. About 3 years after this talk Bal. told me that whole thing was bullshit. How can a beautiful girl known through out the town would sleep with such an ugly boy and get away with it. Years later when I was working for a brewery, my cousin (girl) came to see me. The whole brewery knew about this meeting. There was nothing between me and my cousin. However, this shows you the mentality of people in India.
The above early events were not unusual in India. In my case they were caused by deep depression. I spent countless hours thinking about Kelly and Nancy. I started to loose weight. My weight became around 100 Lb. This created lot of worry for my parents. They took me to lot of doctors. Not a single one recognized my symptoms of clinical depression.
One doctor thought I was suffering from High Blood Pressure. The medicine he gave was Resprine , which led to even greater depression. However my BP dropped to dangerously low reading,doctor stopped the medication. I suffered from depression all the times but I or anybody else failed to recognize my condition. I suffered from migraine headache caused by depression. But to great surprise of everyone, I did well in school. It so happened that all my friends were going to Engineering School after the high school. To get admission in Engineering schools in India, you have to be in top 0.01 % of students in INDIA. Some thing triggered in me that I must go to engineering school.
Although, I was an average student in pre-high school years, I became obsessed with the thought of doing well on my final examination. In India the final examinations were done by a state board and not by the school. School does not have any say about how student performance was during the school year. Final examination was everything. I was studying day and night. For a while I forgot that I had depression. When the result of high school came my grades were as follows out of 100.
HINDI 43
ENGLISH 46
PHYSICS 67
CHEMISTRY 87
MATH 98
These grades were very good if you wanted to go engineering school where the grades of science subject is the criteria. I applied to various colleges. I did manage to get in to 3 colleges. I was on the waiting list of Indian Institute of Technology Madras (IIT). Finally one day I received a telegram, confirming my admission to IIT. This was July 1958 and I decided to go to IIT.
IIT Madras proved disastrous for me. I was totally unprepared for engineering school.
My medium of instruction at high school was Hindi. The IIT was teaching it in English.
I got severe attack of depression. I was unable to concentrate on my studies. I was trying to get out of my studies any way possible. The depression has taken me over. An opportunity came in the form of an interview for a low position in Indian Railway. I had applied for this job before admission to IIT. In the interview I was asked what I am doing now a Days. They were surprised to find that I was going to a engineering school. They suggested that this job is no match for the engineering school. The interviewer suggested that I should continue my studies. I had the highest possible high school grades for this position and I was very sure that I would get the job.
I had stopped going to IIT in the hope of this job. When I was rejected for this position, I was devastated. But I should feel lucky that I did not get the job. My life would have been different had this job been offered to me. At that time it felt as if my life had ended.
My brother-in-law Harry came to Madras. He has been a great influence in my life and loved me like a son. The Harry saw my depression at its worst. He suggested that I should rejoin the IIT again and start doing well there. My depression was at worst, I did not want to join IIT. So I found an excuse that my parents were not in a position to pay for my education any way. Mr. Harry suggested, that he will pay for my education if no one came to my help. I guess I had no choice but to rejoin IIT back.
In the heat of depression I had no choice but to start my education again. I started attending IIT again. In the half yearly exam I did lousy. Since the students are admitted from 0.01 % of student in India, the failures are very rare. I with depression became an exception. I had to appear in front of my professors to answer for my lousy performance. I blamed it on Hindi medium of my high school. They suggested that I should start studying hard and not become the first student to flunk out at IIT. I started studying hard as much as I could under depressed condition. However I barely managed to pass the final exam to go to sophomore year. In the first year I lived with my brother. The IIT was being held at the SILK Building in Madras as a temporary facility. Since there were only about 80 students in whole IIT, it was possible to stay with a relative. My brother had only one room rented. Same one room was a kitchen, a bedroom, a bath etc. I used to sleep outside with my uncle who lived nearby. It is possible to sleep in the open because nights are quite warm and inside rooms are very hot. I used to study at nearby train station. The coming and going of trains rarely affected me. Every body who worked at the station knew me and became my friends and admired me for my effort.
In my sophomore year the depression took a more normal turn. It would show up one week and go away the next week My school had been moved to Lake POWAN area. The school was in a complete jungle with no population around. I was there only 2 days, and I got a migraine attack. Depression caused these attacks. Although, at that time, I did not know I suffered from acute case of depression. It was monsoon season. It was raining cats and dogs. I took my umbrella and start walking to find a shop where I could find some aspirin. I walked and walked until I found a teashop on the side of a road. I asked for an aspirin, and to my surprise they had aspirin. I took the 3 tablets from this expired bottle of aspirin. At that time I did not care how old the Aspirin was. I started feeling better in about ½ an hour.
Had I known that I suffered from depression I could have understood my condition. It would explain my behavior to many people who misunderstood me through out my life. I never kept my dorm room clean, since depression prevented me doing the normal things, which most people take it for granted.
There was a farm nearby which housed a PUNJABI family. The Punjabi family had couple of great looking girls. Most students wanted to meet them, but no body knew what to do to meet the girls. The LOHRI festival came. This festival is a PUNJABI custom to burn a fire and sit around it. Few of us went to the farm and invited the family to attend the festival. I had not met the girls or the family before. But I started to keep my room clean, so I could invite the family to my room. Of course it was a totally stupid idea and led to no where. However all my classmates were surprised to see my room clean. This condition may be more to my stupidly rather than depression.
One thing, which did help me to control my depression, was my interest in Indian movies and songs. I tried to see the movies and listen to songs much as I could. The source of songs was Radio Ceylon. I tried to listen to old songs from 7:30 to 8:00 clock in the morning. I used to have to fight to get control of the radio from other people. Most wanted to listen to English music at the same time. There was only one radio for the whole hostel. When watching a movie and listening to a song, I would forget that I suffered from depression. Later in life this interest will help me succeed in business.
I had few bouts of depression while in IIT. One incident, I remember was with a friend who had stopped speaking to me. I don’t remember what caused it. I became depressed and could not get over it. Finally, one day I wrote a long letter to the friend trying to makeup. The letter was an exercise in emotions. But it did the immediate job of returning the friend to me. I met this friend in 1995 again. He now lives in OTTAWA Canada. When asked he did not even remember the event.
I barely passed the sophomore year at IIT. Any way I progressed to my junior year. Although depression was somewhat under control. My easy infatuation towards girls was a big problem. There was another Sikh family living nearby. They had a beautiful girl who used to ride the bike in IIT compound. All the boys used to watch her. This bothered me somewhat. Finally I got the courage to tell her that she should not be riding the bike here. She was kind of startled at my comments. She never rode again. This was totally stupid thing to do. I had a Sikh friend Mr. Kalia. Kalia also used to watch the Sikh girl. Finally he found a reason to visit the girl’s home. It so happened that Mr. Kalia younger brother studied in the same school where this Sikh girl went. Mr. Kalia and me went to the girl’s home to visit the girl. The pretext was to find how Mr. Kalia's brother was doing in his class. The reason was so stupid. I guess desperate people would do anything to talk to a girl. Of course this visit to the girl’s home did not lead to any romance for Mr. Kalia or me. Mr Kalia has big factory in India and seems to be doing well.
There was one thing, which help my depression. This was my sense of humor. My ability to make people laugh was given by God to me. I was born with it. Most of the jokes were at my own expense. This was one reason I was popular with some people. Enough people hated me for it too. Another incident I remember was about an exam in fuel technology. This was taught my a teacher, who had trouble teaching the subject. Every student decided to walkout of the exam room simultaneously except me. I decided to stay on and take the exam. I was criticized and make fun by my fellow students and was an unpopular thing to do. Of course I miserably failed the exam. This behavior was reflective of a person who suffered from depression.
I passed the junior year with better grades than I had done in my freshmen or sophomore year. I had finally reached my senior year. I don’t remember any thing unusual. I had my ups and down with occasional bout of depression. It must have been noticed by all the professors that there was some thing wrong with me. I guess everybody accepted me as an unusual character. There was professor Karl who was the head of my major at IIT. He did notice something unusual about me and told me few times. The biggest problem I had was at the time of my final exam that I was unable to concentrate on my studies due to depression. I flunked one subject.
In India if you flunk one subject you flunked all subject. You will have to repeat the final year again. I got a notice from the school advising me that I had to repeat the year. Of course this was a big disaster for me. I did not want to repeat the year. I told my brother that I would like to join his business. My brother had a successful auto part business in Madras. He reluctantly agreed for it. He suggested that I take typing classes to help me skilled better. I went to a typing school. I was surprised to see so many girls in the class. Of course my brain started working overtime with the thought of romance with one of the girls. Most of the girls were Christians and somewhat forward than the Punjabi girls. A week into the typing class I got a message that the school has decided to declare me as passing the final exam. I was flunking only one subject for about 2 grades %. I received 48 out of 100 in one subject. This was a great relief to me. I had finally graduated from IIT.
I moved in with my brother’s family in Madras. Since Madras was headquarters of jobs in chemical engineering, I decided to stay in Madras. I found a job with IIT for about 3 months at good pay of Rupees 380 p.m. Soon I got bored with commuting from Madras to lake POWAN. It took me one and half hour each way by train. I found another job at a local engineering firm. The firm was specialist in the design of pressure vessels for the local chemical industry.
Let me give you some background in what happened next. There was a Sikh family living in the same building where my brother lived. The family had beautiful daughter name Miss Gale. The Gale triggered one of the two worst attacks of depression in my life. I wanted to marry this girl. I was an eligible bachelor. The Miss Gale family was a lot richer than my family, but I had engineering education to balance for it. They belong to the same cast as myself. Under normal circumstances, it would have been a cinch to marry this girl. But I was not normal. I was getting infatuated with Gale. Day and night I did nothing but think about her. The girl’s bathroom was facing one of the windows of my brother house. There was a glass missing on Gale window. One could see who was taking shower in Gale bathroom. How ever the opening was only about 2". So best you could see was a partial face. I would sit at that window to see when Gale would take the shower. Finally one day my sister-in-law saw the whole thing and put a stop to it.
Thinking about Gale became an obsession with me. I was unable to do a good job at the place where I worked. The name of the company where I worked was BLANDER Cole Ltd. (BCL). My boss was loosing patience with me. My performance was very bad. My condition had become acute. There was an attractive secretary working at BCL. For some reason she had developed hatred for me. She completely disliked me. Whenever there was an opportunity, she would try to hurt me. Which made me cry many times. I was deeply suffering from depression and this point in my life..
There was another family living next door to Miss Gale’s family. The family head Mr. Victor had noticed something wrong with me. After few question I told him that I liked Miss Gale. This thing proved to be a big mistake. Once Mr. Victor knew about it, he went and told Miss Gale’s father about me. If there was ever a chance of getting married to Miss Gale, it was gone. One day, I went to the office of Miss Gale ‘s father. This was another stupid thing to do. He immediately knew what I was up to. My idea was to show Miss Gale father (Mr. Hale) that I was interested in marrying her daughter. But it had opposite effect. I lost whatever chance I had of marrying Miss Gale..
After a while it became obvious, to me and to BCL, that I could no longer perform my duties as an engineer. My boss Mr. Lal met a car accident. He was seriously injured. My being fired from job was delayed since BCL did not have any other engineer to do the work. I was getting daily dose of hatred by the Secretary. Since there was little prospect of finding another job I stayed on this job. My boss came back from hospital after 2 months. My performance during his absence was very bad. I simply did no perform well, while suffering from acute case of depression.
Finally, I decided to resign from this job. I was going to be fired anyway. I found another job at Humphrey and Glasgow (HG). This was British firm, which had some engineering contracts. The job involved Designing and Drawing engineering processes. The job involved lot of concentration and detailed design, which I could not do while suffering from depression. One of the supervisors, once day told me that I suffered from depression. The word depression has not reached the medical dictionary yet. Meanwhile my sister-in-law found out about my obsession (Miss Gale) from Mr. Victor. I was obviously suffering from depression. No body knew what was happening to me. She made a comment saying that I had taken my infatuation to the extreme with Miss Gale.
After working for about 3 months I was fired from Humphrey and Glasgow job. I was given one month extra pay. So I got about 600 rupees. This was lot of money in those days. I had reached the end of my rope. I decided to go to my parent house in UP, a state in India. The UP stands for Uttar Pardesh. The day before I was to leave for my parents, I saw Miss Gale standing alone with no body around. I took the courage finally to talk to her. I don’t know if she was aware of my infatuation for her or not. Anyway, I approached her. I told her how much I liked her and I am leaving Madras for good. I don’t remember what her response was, but it was not very favorable. Of course this added another nail into my coffin of my desires.
I was on the train to UP. I felt relieved Finally, this nightmare of depression will be over. I saw some improvement as the train was leaving the Madras. It was a long journey. When I reached UP. I was feeling better. My parents were very loving. My first job was to find a job, so I could support my parents and me. I sent resume to every industry around my hometown. I could not find any job.
I became ill with Amebic Dysentery. I must have eaten some junk. Blood was coming out of my stomach. I almost died from it. Finally our family doctor Dr. Uno gave me Choloromyctin-Streptomycin combination. This was a powerful antibiotic. It made me feel much better. First thing I did after coming out of my illness was to write letters to my secretary and my boss at BCL. I told them how much they had hurt me. I wrote how many time secretary made me cry. Of course I did not write my return address. I did not want any reply. I doubt if they would have cared enough to reply anyway. I did meet my boss in BCL once at the brewery. He said he wanted to reply the letter.
I had an uncle who was an industrialist. He had an auto parts factory in Delhi. He offered me job. I went once, and it was out of my chemical engineering field. I quit after one day. My luck was not very good in finding another job. My depression was getting better. I still spent countless hours thinking about Miss Gale. I knew that there was absolutely no chance of her family, agreeing to marry her with me.
Dr. Uno, who treated me during my dysentery went to school with a big industrialist Mr. Mark. One day when I told him that I had no job for last 8 months, he gave me letter to see Mr. Mark. I took the letter to Mr. Mark. He gave me job as a project engineer at a brewery owned by him. My depression was a lot better I was getting over my infatuation with Miss Gale. I started working very hard at the brewery. This was a great opportunity. Pretty soon I made my name as a good engineer. I designed fair amount of brewery equipment, which is still in use. Mr. Mark was very kind to me.
I never had given any respect to money. I would freely spend it. Most of my salary was going to my parents. I found a rental room with a family while working at the brewery. This family also had a daughter. I never spoke to her. One time I was out of town. I let my friend stay in my room. I was sharing the electricity with the family. When I came back my host family complained of overuse of electricity by my friend. I asked how much extra. The family said Rs10.00 extra. They were surprised when I said this is too little. I offered them Rs20.00 (which was lot of money in 1963). These people thought that I am the most honest and good boy. Years later I met the girl from this family in Bazaar. She came and invited me to visit her dad. Her father told me, he had never met anyone like me. I guess no body is as stupid as I was.
Some time a small thing would trigger my depression. I was at a magazine shop. I was looking at magazine for about 5 minutes. The owner accused me of reading magazine free. The people are sometimes rude in India. I took a RS 5.00 from wallet and threw it into the face of the owner and left. I paid him 10 times the cost of the magazine. I could not sleep for several days after this.
Depression in various forms kept coming towards me. I also started drinking beer from the brewery. The combination of uncontrolled depression and alcohol do not mix. It causes even more depression. There was this telephone operator Miss Karen working there. I did not know her at all. One day while drunk I said something to her on the phone which upset her. I saw her on a bus a day before. She did not buy a ticket or someone else may have bought for her. I told her on the phone how she got without a ticket on the bus. This was a totally stupid thing. Miss Karen reported it to my boss. I had to apologize to her. After that I became very cautious. I stopped calling the operator. In India, on those days you have to go through an operator to get an outside number. The Phones did not have the technology to dial direct. I avoided Miss Karen as far as possible. I will change my route if I saw her coming. I also stopped calling clients if I had to go through Miss Karen. I will ask someone else to call for me. I doubt if Miss Karen noted my behavior. She simply did not care who I was.
After I had settled in my position at the brewery, I decided to write a letter to Miss Gale’s father. I asked for his permission to marry her daughter. I wrote that if he was not interested, he should simply not reply the letter. Of course I never got any reply as was expected. Years later my Sister-in-law in Madras tried to bring the subject with Miss Gale’s parents. They simply refused the proposal of me marrying Gale. Miss Gale died in 1975 due to pneumonia in England. I also attended her son's wedding in 1993 in India from the bride side.
In my third year at brewery job I decided to go abroad for studies. I desperately wanted to get out of India. My greatest obsession was to find a way out of India. I did get an immigration visa to England but decided not to use it. I wanted to go to USA. I did not hear any positive thing about England. Since my grades at IIT were very bad I had a very limited chance of getting accepted at a good university in USA. I applied at about 200 Universities in USA. I only got accepted at OU and WVU. The OU required very low budget. The per unit fee was only $18.00 for non-resident students. The OU required adequate knowledge of English. I flunked the TOEFL test twice. To improve my English I started watching American movies to understand the language. Although I had adequate knowledge of English, I had problem understanding the American accent. I must have watched 300 movies in one year. Finally I did manage to pass the TOEFL. I had a friend who was coming to USA with me from the brewery. His name was Kristen..
I went to the US embassy in New Delhi for visa. The lady interviewing me asked if I wanted to settle in USA. I said yes to it. This was a big disaster. The lady refused to give me a visa since I was applying for student visa. However after big assurances by me that I had no plan to settle in USA, I was given a VISA.
I left for USA in September 1966. I flew Kuwait Airlines till London. I took TWA from there. While in London I left my pouch containing passports, Traveler Checks etc. at a bus depot. This would have been a big disaster had I not found it in time. The forgetting of stuff has been part of my life. It may not have anything to do with my depression. We stayed with a family in England, which owned a Gaylord restaurant in London. After a day we took a flight to New York from London. This was my first attempt to fly on a plane in my life. We arrived around 6 PM in New York. We had to catch another plane to go to Orange City(O. C.) at 8 PM. It was September 4, 1966. When I reached OC I felt I have reached another planet. I felt insecure and depressed. My self and Kristen spent the night at YMCA in OC. Next day a host family picked us at Norman bus stop to take us to International House. This was dorm, which had small rooms. There were about 50 students living there. My friend Kristen and me shared a room that night. That was the longest night of my life. I was terribly home sick. I was upset and didn’t know what I was saying whole night. First problem, I faced, was that every body in the bathroom was naked. This is very unusual in India. The boys were running naked in the showers. Next problem I faced was the use of toilets. These western style toilets were new to me. In India you have toilets with no seats like France. It took me a while to get used to these toilets. While at the International House I met a girl named Babbit. She was very beautiful. As usual I was impressed with her. She appreciated my sense of humor. My sense of humor works overtime whenever there is a beautiful girl involved.
Soon I learned that Babbit was a lesbian. This was a shocking news to me since Especially, when I had never heard a word like lesbian in my entire life. She liked me. At a party, in Babbit house I was introduced to a girl named Judy. This girl was the biggest depression attack of my entire life. I almost came close to committing suicide. The Judy was very beautiful. The moment I met her I got attracted towards her. Almost all of it was one sided. My sense of humor took a big leap and I spent lot of time humoring Judy. The Judy already had a boy friend. During the Christmas brake I decided to write a letter to Babbit. The letter mostly chided Babbit of being a lesbian. To impress Judy, I sent copy of the letter to Judy. I thought she will be impressed by my writing. Of course the opposite happened. The Babbit became angry and ended friendship with me.
I had come to USA after 4 years of finishing school in India. I had forgotten to study. I did miserably in school. I had the disadvantage of US English, and depression at the same time. I think it was a miracle that I graduated from OU. Meanwhile to impress Judy I started writing a joke column in the student newspaper. I had the ability to write jokes even in depressed state. Here is a joke I wrote while at OU.
A friend was telling a friend, why he has not gotten married.
" You see I have always been looking for an ideal girl to marry " friend said.
" And you have not yet found her", the other friend said.
" No, as matter of fact, I did find her once", friend said
" What happened then", other friend said." She was looking for an Ideal Husband."
Of course these jokes did not impress anybody
Biggest Attack of My
Life
The biggest attack of my life came in the form of Judy. I was seeing her
occasionally. She always told me we are just friends. This made little difference
to me. In between I found out that Miss Gale's mother has passed away in
Madras. I immediately sent a letter to Miss Gale's father with the same old
proposal, asking her daughter's hand. Needless to say no reply came. I was
now thinking about Judy all the time. It was around February 67. I was asked
by my friend John to go to a picnic trip. I asked if Judy would be willing
to go with me. She agreed. Same night I called her and told her that I loved
her. This was a somewhat of shock to her. She immediately canceled the picnic
program. She said she would think about ever seeing me again. From here onwards
I went downhill. No matter what I did I could not shake my depression. I
would call Judy to see if I could find some relief to my depression. It resulted
in more depression. She told me that she is not going to see me until next
September 1967. I moved to an apartment. The Judy was going to be attending
a summer camp as a counselor. I don’t know how I found her phone #.
I started calling her at the camp everyday. She had not come to the camp
yet. Finally when she did come to the phone. She was very mad. She said every
one at the camp thought there was an emergency. There was no emergency except
for my depression. My depression was totally out of control. She told me
she is not going to see me until January 1968.
Judy came back in September 1967. As soon as she came I started calling her. First I called to just hear her voice. She immediately figured out who it was. She was very mad. I even called her mother to find some relief. This was an exercise in futility. Mother told me to find someone who is compatible to my background and Judy was not the girl for me. I already knew that. I started buying gifts from local shops, which were made in India. I would send it to Judy saying my parents have send it for her. She took the gifts but it had no effect as far as my relationship was concerned. She still hated me. I spent almost several hundred dollars on these gifts. She started working as a waitress in a local Tavern. Her parents refused to pay for her education. The parents did not like "DANCE" as her major. They wanted her to take majors, which have more marketable skills like science and engineering.
I thought many time to put money in Judy's account at the local bank. Some thing in me told me, that it would not do any thing. I did send her followers many times with no name on it. Of course she knew whom they were from.
Finally the semester ended. It was around July 1968. I knew Judy had left the town. I knew where she used to live. I went to the apartment where she lived. The new tenant had moved in. I said I am a friend of Judy. He gave me some of things left by Cheryl. These were the items I had given her as gifts. Another item was a telephone bill for the last month. I saw whom she called. I called few numbers on the phone bill to find where she was. No body knew where she was. One of the person, I remember calling was her friend Sally in Colorado.
I had a mailbox address for receiving letters. The box # was 2341. I often went to collect the mail. It was around 15 July 1968. I saw Judy outside the post office. She was surprised, as I was to see her. I told her I have few things left by Cheryl. To my surprise she went with me to collect the gifts left by her friend Cheryl. She told me she was living with a boy named Glen. She was trying to find out if he and her were compatible. I got shocked and I saw my depression taking turn for the worst. Next I went to the school infirmary. They gave me some thing to calm me down. Late on next day I saw her and Glen in the cafeteria. I approached her to talk to her. She said " have I not told you never to talk to me". I said "About thousand times". Glen tried talking to me. But Judy told him not to say anything,
Next day I went to the post office. I now knew she lived upstairs apartment over the post office. I tried to go up the stairs. I saw Glen coming out. I ran into the post office. Glen came and said he was not a violent person. I said " I don’t know what to do about this obsession of me with Judy".
He asked me to write a letter to Judy. I did write to her the letter. I can’t remember the content. I sent her flowers. She put the flowers in the window which were visible from outside, as if to show me that she appreciates it.
It was august 1968. Judy had gone as counselor to the camp in Colorado. With few friends I went to on a trip to Colorado. We went to see some national parks. It so happened and we were passing through the same town where Judy was spending her summer vacations. I called her. She said, she was getting married but not to Glen. She was marrying some other boy she met this summer. This was terrible. I ran into deep depression. The people I was vacationing with saw the change in me. I told what happened. I was advised to move on. I called her next day. I said I am sorry to have caused her so much trouble. I said she could not blame me for trying. She said there was never a hope for me and it was mad for me even to try.
The next November Judy got married with some one named ‘Herbert’. Her name became ‘Judy Herbert’. I sent her a blender as GIFT on her marriage. I did get a thank you note for it. The note said.
" FROM MRS. JUDY HERBERT
THANKS FOR YOUR GIFT. LET THIS BE THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP".
I did not expect any note. I took Judy's picture out of 1967 OU yearbook. I got it laminated. I kept her note and her picture in my wallet all the time.
I moved to NJ where my friend Kristen was already there. I moved in cheap apartment since I did not have much money left. All night I use to feel sorry for myself. I kept saying ‘She hates me’ over and over again. At this point I was asking the god to help me forget about Judy. It was not an easy time. I now know that it was impossible to establish a relationship with anyone as long as I still cared for Judy even if it was only infatuation. I met few Swiss girls. I dated one named Bonnie. We went to see a movie OBLONG BOX. It was scary movie and scared my date. This was the last date with her.
I asked Bonnie friend Annie for a date. She was an attractive girl. She agreed to go out. I guess she later on talked with Bonnie and decided not to show up at the place where we were going to meet. I waited and waited and felt terrible. Later I saw Annie at a party. Of course she avoided me and I avoided her. There was no apology from her for not showing up. While at OU I did meet a girl named Johnny. She was not so good looking. She had gone out couple of times with me. I asked her out and agreed to meet same evening. Later when I went to pick her up there was this note outside her apartment "I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND, I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU". I was hurt as I had to take time off from my job to see her. She was with her friend Sally Philips and I could hear both of them laughing inside the apartment. Feeling dejected I went home. Next day I saw Sally in the school infirmary. Sally was a hypochondriac I lied to her that I could not come to see Johnny yesterday. She said she did not want to go out anyway.
I visited Madras in 1969. I was at my brother's apartment. I met Gale father on the Terrace . He said he was very angry about the letters I wrote to him (asking his daughter hand in marriage). He would never consider me marrying her daughter. He would rather have her daughter marry no one than marry some one like me. I was deep into my untreated depression I said "He was giving me too much importance. I was not person of any importance or anybody. I am no body. Your daughter hates me any way". With tears I walked away.
I still did not realize that I am suffering from an acute case of depression. I was not in any position to have any relationship until I could get rid of depression. In December 1969, it so happens that I went to OU. I was still trying to find a job. I went to the cafeteria. To my surprise, I saw Judy there. She was with her husband. I felt as if earth is moving under me. She did not even try to meet her eyes with me. She totally ignored me or pretended not to know I am there. When she left the cafeteria I followed her. She did look one time back. I was angry and hurt. Here I am a person who thinks of her day and night and she totally ignored me. I took out her picture and final letter from my wallet and threw it in the garbage. It was wakeup call for me to realize there was nothing between her and me.
Finally I moved to Seattle. I was working with a company Eimco. It was June 71. I had found this job with great pains. I called information in North Dakota to find out if Judy had moved there after marriage. To my bad luck I found she was living in FARGO. I called her. She was surprised to hear from me. First thing she said "She will prefer I not call her". I did not call her for along time.
While working at EIMCO. I met a secretary named LOUANNE (L). The L was a very beautiful girl. I immediately felt same sensation as I felt for Judy. I had somewhat learned a lesson from Judy’s experience not to get involved. But L saw through me. She was in the middle of a divorce. She saw my depression and told me to get lost. That was the last time I talked to her. The L left the job to become an Air hostess. I saw her one more time visiting at EIMCO.I dared not to speak to her. I saw her and avoided any eye contact.
Next few years I suffered from in and out of depression bouts. I thought about Judy a lot but I did not dare to call her. It was 1979. I started a business of selling and manufacturing some industrial parts suupllied to BOEING. By 1981 I was doing well in business. One day I was coming back from business and I saw this huge Library in Seattle. I went inside. I got a FARGO phone directory to see if Judy’s husband name was there. My heart started pounding. I could not even look at the telephone directory. It showed me how vulnerable I was to depression. However I did find Judy's name there.
At around early seventies my migraines had become worse. It now required stronger painkillers. I had some doctor’s friend who would write me prescription for Codeine. I was getting migraine every month. As the time proceeded, the frequency became weekly. I had reached a stage around 1985 where I needed VICODIN to relieve my headaches. I was getting hooked to VICODIN and LORZEPAM. I could no longer sleep without using a tranquilizer. Soon I was taking these pills all the time. It was miracle that I was able to keep my job. Of course I was having car accidents too frequently.
At work, I looked normal. I am sure some people may have noticed my peculiarities. This was around 1983. A girl named Dan came to work at EIMCO. She was very pretty. I was training her. The Dan would use fair amount of makeup. I started getting same feelings of depression as I got with Judy. I sent her flowers with no name. One day I was disturbed. It was her birthday. I sent her a gift certificate for $200.0 to a local store where she normally shopped. I would have meeting with my boss the same day I sent her the gift. I got really scared. I thought Dan has complained about me, sexual harassment. It was something else. She knew who was sending these gifts. She told my secretary about it. The secretary came and asked me. I totally denied ever sending any gifts. One day I asked Dan for lunch. To my surprise she agreed. At the lunch I told her if I did any thing for her she does not have to do anything in return. She was little impressed. Soon after that she left the company. I asked her if I could call her at her new job. She said yes. I called her one-day. She was furious to receive my call. That was the end of it. I never called her again. I did write her a letter of apology saying she will never have worry about me again.
In about 1987 another girl named Su came to work at my place. She was very attractive. My joke machine started working over time. She would laugh at my jokes. I really started liking her. My depression was feeling better because of her. We started playing tennis together. She had a boy friend somewhere else. She would say she is committed to her boyfriend. Soon she realized that some thing was wrong with me (depression). Another fact she hid from other people, and me was that she was dating secretly a the boy (Charlie). I don’t know what was the reason for hiding it. I guess she was getting so much attention from all the boys. Which is why she kept her relationship secret.
None of the boys could guess her secret relationship, except a person named Gary. He was one of the boys chasing her and he must have seen them together. The Su had no girls as friends. She preferred boys as they offered her attentions. Of course who would not want 10 boys chasing her at the same time. By 1989 she left for further studies. After she left, Gary came to me. He told me how Su has been cheating all of us by her secret relationship. I saw by depression attack coming back. I really felt very bad. My reaction was of disbelief. I went to Charlie her boyfriend. He told me that story of their relation was true. He was kind of immature and started bragging that he had something which no body else had. I guess he was sleeping with her. I called Sue at the University of Ohio. She refused to discuss this subject of secret boyfriend with anybody else or me. My depression turned worse. In a way it was lucky for me that she was not there. I felt terrible and it was Judy all over again. I started avoiding my friends. I did talk to Gary many times. I felt bad. Some thing Gary said made lot of sense.
"I never had any relationship with Su. I lost something I never had." Of course it is easier said then done.
At OU there was a friend Narayan who said following about my relationship with Judy
"It was a sick relationship, which died natural death".
Then came the summer. The Su was back in town. She came to see me at work. I had already left after I found out she was coming to see me. She left a note for me. I called her. She wanted to see me. The day we were to meet she became ill. I sent her flowers. When she felt better we went out. The conversation started with lot of anger on her part. However I suggested. Let us brake our relationship (There was no relationship to brake). Later in the day we had lunch. She was feeling better and said she wants to continue to be my friend. She left for studies. One time when she was in LA I told I wanted to come and see her. First she agreed, but later on did not want me to come to LA. I got mad and sent her letter braking any friendship (there was none to start with) if I had one..
In the mean time Sue had graduated. She came to see her friend Charlie. My secretary was getting married. I knew I will see Su and her boyfriend at the wedding. Against my better judgment, I went to the wedding. I was in deep depression and could hardly talk. I saw Su. She looked equally depressed. I said, "I am not angry with you". She said what she had heard I was very angry with her. I don’t know why she would bother to even talk to me. Anyway she and I started feeling better after a while. I was making her laugh and she was really happy as the evening progressed.
I did not see Su for while. She came one time and found her boyfriend Charlie is cheating one her. They did brake up. I had warned her to see someone more matured. I was recommending another friend Bill to her. She was not interested. Later when she did become interested, Bill had found someone else. The Bill was one of the friends chasing her.
Then Su left for job in NY. She started calling me everyday. Of course later on this stopped. The Charlie was still calling her after betraying her. I also saw one day a letter from some old friend of Su. This boy was madly in love with Su. He would write poetry to her. Reading the poetry made be think here is another stupid guy suffering from depression. He would say in his poems I am waiting for phone call, which will never come. This reminded me a lot about myself.
At some point in future, Charlie and Sue got married. That was the end of my relationship if ever there was one.
By 1989 I was doing OK in business. I called Judy whose name was in FARGO telephone directory. But when she came on the phone and thought it was a wrong number. Then one day again I called her husband’s phone. Her daughter answered. I found out that Judy has divorced her husband. The daughter named Tanya said there was no chance of getting them back together. I told her that I was a friend of her mother from OU. She told this to Judy. I called Judy next day and my first question was "Can we be friends". She was hesitant but said any way ‘YES’. I talked with her few times.
The Judy was having financial problems. I got a letter from her asking $1500.00. I guess she knew I would send her. I did send her the money. I received a thank you note from her and she promised to pay it back. I knew she was not going to return. She wrote another letter telling me how immature she was when she was at OU. She said we both were young people caught at wrong places in time. She said I was a true friend. I guess money does make people true friends. Later she asked for more money she needed, to go to see a psychologist. I did send her $1000.00. Her divorce left deep scars. After a while I could not understand why some one would ask for money from someone who was treated by her like a dirt. Any way I rarely talked with Judy after that. One day when I called her and her phone was disconnected.
It was around 1994, I called Judy’s parents. I asked if I could have her address. Her mother hung up on me.
Then around 1995 I got really ill. I was suffering from viral Pneumonia. It was a serious illness. The medical term is called ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome). I almost died. But god was on my side. I survived even after the doctor told my friends that there was no chance of survival. The rate of death in ARDS is put at 60 %.
The drugs had become part of my life. In between when I visited India. I would buy the drugs there. Since they were being sold without prescription. I was taking pills several times a day. I will take tranquilizer every day before I go to sleep. I could not sleep at all, even after taking the pills. The depression was out of control. I had bought pills from India during my last visit. One day I took some pill. My condition became uncontrollable. I started getting shakes. The night before I took something for over the counter medication for sleep. The Indian medicine I got was counterfeit. In India the counterfeit medicine are produced all the time. It was my bad luck. I did not have any US medicine. I had thrown all the medications in to the toilet 3-4 days back. I was stuck and feeling very bad. These might have been withdrawal symptoms. Any way I called my doctor who called a psychiatrist. First thing I was told that I needed detoxification. I agreed to get admitted. Although my condition was not as bad as some other cases at the hospital. It still was fairly bad. I was given LIBRIUM, which helped to calm the withdrawal symptoms or effect of bogus medication. I stayed for about a week attending Narcotics Anonymous After 7 days I was discharged with partial success. I did not have any pills with me. It took about a week before I felt better. I went to see psychiatrist and thanked him for his help in my fight.
I was put on anti-depressant medication for the first time in my life. The medication was ELAVIL at a dose of 100 mg per day. Years ago I went to see a Doctor about sleep trouble. He told me that I could be suffering from depression. This was the first time someone had recognized my condition and suggested ELAVIL. I wish I had started this medication at that time on regular bases.
It took about 6 weeks before ELAVIL working for me. I felt better and saw my depression getting better. I felt more normal. I called Su to tell her about my depression. Su said one of her friend has the same problem. I am taking the medication on a regular basis now. Of course it has side effects but less than what I feel during depression.
One day I put JUDY name in one of search engines on the Internet. To my surprise a site showed up. She was somewhere in Arizona making handicraft. I sent email to the company asking for her E-MAIL. They said I should let them know my address, as Judy did not want her address known to me. I now realized she has no desire to return the money. At later time I did find her phone number and address. At this point I don’t want to call her. I guess ELAVIL has some thing to do with it.
There is one incidence I remember which is kind of unusual. I knew a couple who were good friends from India.They were Frank and Linda Roberts. I was going on a vacation to Canada. The couple were having some trouble in their relationship. The Frank asked me if Linda could go with me since I was driving to OTTAWA. The OTTAWA is about 1300 miles and there would be 2 nights to stay before I would reach to OTTAWA. Both Linda and Frank were very close friends and they knew all about Judy. They both were my fans and laughed at my jokes. The Linda was a very beautiful girl. The first night was in Detroit. We went to a motel and I ordered only one room with 2 separate beds (Me as well Linda were just starting life and did not have much money). The Linda was somewhat startled to see one room but did not say anything. This was the time when I was suffering from severe depression. Nothing happened between us except we were having the best of time of our lives. When I reached OTTAWA she was supposed to find a job for the next three months. The Linda did find a job in a Hotel. I would see her everyday. The Linda was getting lonely. One day when we were on a Boat she put her head on my shoulders. This is first time she showed me any affection. Suddenly I started feeling better and my depression was melting away. One day on a Sunday I and Linda were together in my hotel room. We were both sitting on the bed. The Linda started kissing me. This was a big surprise to me. After about 2 weeks we became very close. We both were falling for each other. We were laughing all the time. She forgot she was married and I forgot about Judy. Then I get a call from Frank and asked me to tell Linda to come back. I guess he was missing her. I said I would tell Linda. Somehow I felt very guilty. Here is a friend who really trusted me with his wife. He never thought that we will be become so close and may become cause of their marriage to end. I talked to Linda and told her to go back. She said she wanted to stay with me. I said I can't go on with her. I was feeling too much guilt. I forced her to leave and go back to Frank. She reluctantly left. This incidence lifted my depression. First time I felt self confidence come back into my life. The Linda was more beautiful than Judy. I could not break the trust of my friend Frank because he trusted me.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
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Judy's letters Page1 Page 2 Judy's bio
