I Love Her

Author's Notes: This story takes place after the 5th season of Buffy and the second season of Angel.

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I knew as soon as I left Pylea. Something was horribly wrong. It felt like someone was calling my name but I couldn't pick up the voice that whispered in my ears and echoed in my brain. It didn't occur to me until I opened the door to the Hyperion and saw Willow's tear stained face that it had anything to do with Buffy. As soon as I saw her I knew it was Buffy and I prayed to the powers that be that she might still be alive or that whatever injury she might have she would overcome it. How naive I was to be believe that the powers would save her.

When Willow told me I couldn't believe it. I went blank turned and stared at Cordelia, Wesley, Fred, and Gunn. They were all concerned for me I could tell. But not for Buffy. And then I did the thing they least expected me to do. I started to cry. The blood tears dripped down my face and I wondered why I couldn't cry pure tears for Buffy. Even in my pain I was reminded of what a horrible thing I was and that only made me cry harder. Willow and Cordelia reacted first running up to me and wrapping there arms around me. Willow started crying harder making her pale face raw with tears. Cordelia could do nothing but stare ahead blankly. All I could do was cry out "No, no not Buffy" Over and over again and cling to them.

I think I must have blacked out because the next thing I remember was being all alone in my room. I prayed it was all a bad dream or some sort of sick imagining of mine until I heard Willow's voice in the other room and it crushed my hopes that she still lived. I closed my eyes. Why so soon? I cursed the powers for snuffing out her life. For taking her away from me. Pushing the green covers off my stone cold body. I opened the door to my room and listened silently to Willow and Cordy talk.

"I can't help feeling so guilty. I wish we had been there to help her. Maybe with are help she could have saved Dawn without....." Cordy's voice trailed off as if she couldn't bare to say that Buffy was dead. I felt a small amount of comfort in the fact that Cordy cared.

"It's not your fault. I mean we all blame ourselves. I keep thinking that I could have helped by knocking that demon off the tower before he could cut Dawn. But it's not my fault right?" Willow started to cry again.

" I just can't accept the fact that she's dead. None of us can. The only thing that's getting us through this is taking care of Dawnie but I can't possible imagine how she's coping. She's terrified and she keeps having nightmares. We're trying to make her feel better but... It's so hard when we all feel like ..."

Angel moved out of the doorway.

"Hi"

"Hey" Cordy said giving him a weak shaky smile. " Willow and I were talking and we were thinking that maybe... if you went to Sunnydale... for a while and visited her.. her" Cordelia lapsed into silence and her eyes began to water. "If you visited her grave" She quickly shut up because I think the look on my face was scaring her.

"You might get some closure" I looked at Willow silently and weighed my options. I loved Buffy but should I go and visit her grave to pay my respects even though it might hurt me? The answer was obvious.

I nodded "Let's go"

***

Being back in Sunnydale was both a blessing and a curse. It reminded me of Buffy which was a double edged sword. There was the remains of her school which I had spent many a night in the library researching or watching Buffy research. The latter was probably closer to the truth. And here we were in front of the cemetery gates over which I had seen her leap over dozens of times. I put my hands on the cold metal of the gates and rested my head against them. Willow stood respectfully a few feet away.

"I need to do this alone".

"I understand". Something in her tone made me realize that she did. Looking up I finally realized the truth, that she had grown up and was now an adult. I smiled at her. "Thank you"

Quickly, lest I lose my nerve I pushed open the gates and walked towards Joyce's grave. Willow had told me that Buffy's was beside Joyce's. I looked over the graves and saw Joyce's grave. Carefully I shifted my eyes to Buffy's.

She saved the world...

A lot

I looked at it and helplessly I began to laugh. I laughed until the tears came. How true it was. If only the rest of the world knew the truth.

"Who chose it?" I asked Spike who I had sensed coming up to me.

"Willow chose the first part, Xander added the second" said Spike. "Yeah the second part does seem like Xander. Are you happy she's dead?" I asked the anger boiling up inside me again "Or are you sad because it wasn't you who did this" I said waving my hands towards the grave.

"I loved her" said Spike.

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