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Nicodemus' Lessons on Love
During my romantic involvements and their collapses, I have learned much from professionals, friends, and personal quests for the truths to the eternal question, "Why?!". Here are a few documents that I think are the most effective for the beginning, coping with, and ending a relationship.
Document 1: "How to find the Love of Your Life" by: Donald T Sawyer Jr. /// I came upon this document during my divorce. In order to get a divorce in the State of New Mexico, County of Curry, City of Clovis, it was required to attend a "Parenting Plan" course provided by the state in order to be sure that the parents have the children's best interest during a separation. Donald himself taught the class of 8 people (myself included). Where the entire purpose is to ease the divorce, he devoted a significant portion of the time going over his document. The purpose was to save the marriage. If saving was not possible, then to help prevent a painful relationship from occuring in the future. This guy is great, and has assisted me through my divorce, and (in personal sessions) through my recent break-up with my girlfriend. ----- Donald's e-mail: donald.sawyer@yucca.net
Document 2: "Surviving the Breakup of a Relationship" by Dr. Cherry Lee /// Unlike Donald, I never met Dr. Lee. During my recent relationship, my ex-girlfriend had quite a few old friends, some of which never met me. The one in concern is named Sarah "Mimic" Booth. My ex-girlfriend ofted spoke highly of her, and likewise of me To her. After our breakup, I received an e-mail from her. It, of course was for my ex-girlfriend, but I feelt maybe I should talk to SOMEONE instead of feeling alone. So I replied, and she gave immidiate response. Where she admitted that she knows nothing of relationships, she offered very sound advice that I took to heart. Then she pointed me to a very good webpage where I ecountered this text. Much thanks to this sweet girl, Sarah "Mimic" Booth ----- Sarah's e-mail: mimic_2001@hotmail.com
Document 3: "The Perfect Words" by Hector Rene' Segovia (Myself) /// In an attempt to bring my ex-girlfriend and I together, I have composed this letter with the help of some quotes from The Island of the Day Before by Umberto Eco. After all was said and done, and I had time to write with intellegence rather than passion, I decided to write this so it was not influenced by any bitterness. While it was composed to suit MY relationship and MY problems, perhaps you, yourself, can learn something from it and its included quotes.
Document 1:
How to Find the Love of Your Life
by: Donald T. Sawyer Jr.
In Cor. 13 it reads, "Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not easily angered, irritable or touchy. Love does not hold grudges and will hardly notice when others do it wrong. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him or her no matter what the cost. You will always believe them, always expect the best of them, and always stand your ground in defending them.
The reason this quote from the bible is used is because this is God's definition of what love is. Whether people believe in God or not, one would have to admit that he or she would want someone to love them as this definition describes.
Compatibility
The purpose of this 50-tem checklist is for people to go through each of these items and determine how each item affects and relates to them. Once they have a good understanding of how each one of these areas are characteristic to themselves, they will be able to determine if their partner is similar to them. The explination of the checklist is for people to understand themselves in these areas and explain them to their partner. They must allow their partner to explain to them how they feel about each one of these areas. The answer "I feel the same as you do" is not an acceptable one; the the person must give in detail how he or she feels about each of the 50 items. Once you find out how the other feels about each area, you can determine how compatable the person is to you. The author feels that one would want at least 50% similarity between a couple to be considered comewhat compatable; however, the higher the percentage, the greater the chance that a relationship will be a successful one. Timing is a relative concept; no one can say when the right time will be to meet someone. However, if you follow this formula, once you meet someone and apply it, it will certainly increase your chances to: Finding the Love of Your Life
1. Socio-economic background of family / 2. Intelligence / 3. Formal Education / 4. Verbal Skills / 5. Expected roles for both people in a marriage / 6. Views about power distribution in a family / 7. Desired number of children / 8. When a family should be started / 9. Child rearing views / 10. Political philosophy / 11. Views about smoking, alcohol, and drugs / 12. Amount of involvement with in-laws / 13. Sense of humor / 14. Punctuality / 15. Dependability / 16. Desire for verbal intimacy to be intimate / 17. The role of conflict and how to resolve it / 18. The way to handle anger / 19. How friendships with the oppisite sex should be handled / 20. Expected amounts of privacy and rules for its use / 21. Level of ambition / 22. Life goals / 23. Attitudes about weight / 24. Religious and spiritual beliefs and preferences / 25. Amount of church involvement / 26. Family spiritual involvement / 27. Hobbies and interests / 28. Type of music enjoyed / 29. Energy level for physical activities / 30. Sexual drive and sexual interests / 31. Amount of income to be spent and saved / 32. How much money should be allocated (clothes, vacation, etc.) / 33. Amount of money to be given away and to whom / 34. Degree of risk to be taken with investments / 35. Attitudes about clenliness (house, clothes, body, etc.) / 36. Ways of handling sickness / 37. Health standards and when to see a doctor / 38. Interpersonal and social skills / 39. Amount and type of social involvement preferred / 40. Geographical area in which to live / 41. Size and style of house / 42. Type of furniture and decorations / 43. Amount and type of travel preferred / 44. How to spend vacations / 45. How to celebrate major holidays / 46. How much time to spend together / 47. When to get sleep and get up / 48. Temperature of home during the day and night / 49. Activity during meals (talking, watching TV, etc.) / 50. Television programs preferred
Obsticals that breakdown a Maritial Relationship
I. Communication: (No), (breakdown), and (miscommunication)
II. Finances: (disagreement), (incompatible)
III. Children: (disagreements on raising and discipline)
IV. Affection/Sex: (incompatible or conflicting views)
V. Consideration: (incompatible or conflicting views)
VI. In-Laws: (conflicts with in-laws)
Why Me Again
I went for a walk in life's journey, / There was a big hole in the sidewalk, / I fell in. / I was hurt, confused, surprised, sad, lost and angry. / I couldn't find my way out. It was dark and I was scared. / I kept trying and struggling, and finally after a long time, / I found my way out.
I went for a walk in life's journey again. / I had seen the warning signs, and I ignored them. / I fell in the hole again. / Again, I was sad, angry and hurt. / I had been in there before, and I started to search. / It took a while, but I kept searching and / Eventually I found my way out.
I went for a walk in life's journey again. / I saw the warning signs, I even saw the hole. / I fell in anyway, / And was angry with myself. / It was dark, but I was not scared. / I had been there before and it didn't take as long. / I found my way out.
I went for a walk in life's journey again. / Again I saw the familiar hole, / I knew what it was; I walked around it; / Got too close to it, / I feel in again. / I felt stupid; I was angry; I had been there before. I knew the way out, / It wasn't as dark and it didn't take as long this time. / I worked my way out.
I went for a walk in life's journey again. / I saw the hole. / I knew what it was. I kept my distance, / I spit in it. / I did not fall in it. / I just walked away.
I went for a walk in life's journey again. / This time I took another road.
Author Unknown
Document 2:
Surviving the Breakup of A Relationship
by: Dr. Cherry Lee
[Editor's note: Although there can be pain for weeks or months after a relationship ends, this chapter, which has been reproduced in print in various places, has reportedly helped many people survive the ending of a relationship.]
The breakup of an important love relationship is the most traumatic of human experiences. In many ways we can more easily cope with the death of a loved one. Although we don't understand death, at least we understand its finality. With the breakup of a relationship, days and weeks of lingering, haunting "ifs" often follow. The pain can penetrate every fiber of our being. In the days following the breakup we think of little else than the one we loved and trusted, the one we had so much invested in. Everywhere we go we are reminded of them--a face in a crowd, the flash of a familiar shirt, a distant voice. In an effort to get away from things, we may take a trip, only to find that in some way it reminds us of a special place we visited with our loved one.
And then there are the haunting doubts.
If the breakup came after a long and painful decision on your part, you may constantly "replay" conversations and constantly reevaluate the "evidence." Possibly your decision was too hasty; possibly the culprit was your pride; possibly a really honest and open discussion would have cleared things up. There are thousands of "ifs," "possiblys" and "maybes." If the other person made the decision to break off the relationship, in addition to your pain, you are left with a feeling of helplessness. Possibly they misunderstood something; maybe they would change their mind if you could only explain; possibly they heard something that was untrue.
And if you, by chance, did something in a weak moment to cause the breakup, you may then be left with the extra pain and burden of remorse and guilt piled on top of the pain of separation. And then there are your well-meaning friends with their misguided efforts at trying to cheer you up.
When Randy's relationship broke up he decided to get away from things by taking a long trip to an ocean village . When he arrived he wanted to treat himself to an expensive restaurant with an ocean view. The table he found had a perfect view of the water and the serenity was just what he needed. When the waitress arrived she said: "Sir, would you mind doing me a big favor and moving to one of the smaller tables [in the back]. We try to reserve these for couples." As Randy looked around he saw that the nearby tables were occupied by young, happy couples. He then glanced at the table in a rather dark corner which she was suggesting. He noted that it also had a place setting for two. Randy forced a painful smile and said, "I see that table also seats two, so I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll do you an even bigger favor and just leave." He then left, and forgetting his hunger, decided to just take a lonely walk along the water.
While struggling with the pains of separation you might envy those "swinging singles" who seem to have an "easy come, easy go" attitude about relationships. It may come as some consolation to know that you are fortunate in having the ability to feel both the love (and pain) of separation. Psychologists say that despite our vulnerability and despite the pain we may regularly suffer when we lose love, we are much better off than the people who are unable to develop deep and meaningful relationships. Without the ability to truly know love they are forced to remain "outsiders" and "observers" to life's most important human experience. Even so, the pain of separation hurts, and it hurts very badly. Witness the endless parade of heartbreak songs that have been published; review the writings of poets and novelists over the centuries. Your experience has been shared by billions who have preceded you, and your hurt will be experienced by billions more who will follow.
If you only knew it, there are thousands all around you right now who are feeling the pain of separation and the emptiness of lost love. Some in anger say they "will never allow it to happen to them again," which is another way of saying they will never love again. Sure, for a while it may be necessary to withdraw while healing takes place. But shutting yourself off from the possibility of love over a long period of time stagnates your life, and it may even eventually send you into a slow, spiraling descent of general withdrawal and despair. It is said that women take the breakup of a relationship harder than men. Rhonda's experience is not uncommon.
I thought everything was fine. We had made plans... talked about marriage, where we would live, what kind of a house we would have; everything. And suddenly his feelings started to cool; he just lost interest.... He didn't really tell me why other than he just came to the conclusion that it won't work between us. He was really sorry, he said and [then]...he made it totally clear that it was over. Maybe I should have forced him to explain; find out why. But in my anger and hurt...I figured if he could treat me like that, I really didn't want anything to do with him anyway--now or ever. [In the days that passed] I really thought he would call; tell me that there had been a misunderstanding.... After a week it really hit me. He meant it; he wasn't going to call; it was really over! I went into a depression you wouldn't believe. I cried day and night. I took three days off work--"flu" I called it. I decided to take a trip. But soon as I got there, I wanted to come back. I thought maybe he would try to call after all and I wouldn't be there. He didn't call. Then I started worrying that maybe something was wrong with him; maybe he had some disease or something, so in a weak moment I called him and when he answered, he sounded cheerful. I couldn't say anything, so I just hung up. Finally...I took down all his pictures and I packed up everything he had given me--clothes, the little stuffed toys on the bed that I loved so much, everything--and I packed it all in a big suitcase and put it in the garage. ...and then I cried all night. I took long walks; just wandered around aimlessly. After three days when my "flu" was over, I went back to work. Everybody said I looked awful and that I should take a few more days off. But I couldn't stand being by myself any more. I started doing my work like some sort of robot.... I figured if I could just survive a couple weeks, maybe until the end of April, the hurt would start to go away. It got to be my goal just to get through each day until the end of the week and then the end of the month. I jogged for an hour every night so I would be so tired I could go to sleep. I even started "x'ing" the days out on a calendar, until the end of the month, just like prisoners are supposed to do.
Rhonda later said that it took her over six months just to be able to go through a day without feeling the pangs of hurt and bitterness. Although each of our experiences is different, each shares the common element of self-doubt, pain, disappointment and despair.
Are there ways to speed the healing; ease the pain?
There is no one best way to cope with the breakup of a relationship. Each of us is different. Some people find that it helps to lose themselves in the company of friends. Some don't want to be around people. Some people find it helps to get away to an entirely different set of conditions. But this didn't work for Rhonda. Some immediately try to look for a new love interest. Most who try this find that until they get over a previous love, a new relationship is impossible.
Nevertheless, there are some important guidelines for coping.
First, don't try to immediately repress the hurt. You may only succeed in pushing it beneath the surface where it will eventually make itself manifest in some undesirable, hard-to-uncover form--a general mistrust of affection, a lowered self-concept, general hostility, or whatever. If you feel like crying; cry. If you feel like ripping up a pillow; rip it up. If it feels good to tear the person's pictures in a thousand pieces and then set fire to them; do that too. As long as you know that afterward you can live with whatever you do, fine. So the first step is to accept your hurt as normal and expected. Confront it openly and honestly, but in small, manageable doses.
It's perfectly all right to feel totally miserable. You are not "weak." You don't have to apologize or explain to anyone. In short, accept your hurt as normal and expected, and allow yourself the opportunity to openly work through it. If you feel that the fault or failure in the relationship was yours, don't be afraid to accept the responsibility. So you made a mistake; acknowledge your failure and resolve that it's one mistake you won't make again. Contrary to everything you may be feeling, it's not the end of the world. Try to overcome the emotional dependency represented by the relationship. If possible, plan a full schedule of things that will give you a personal sense of accomplishment and adequacy. Avoid wallowing in sentimentality, pining over love songs, reading old love letters, or reminiscing old times.
Distractions will help you deal with your feelings in tolerable stages. A distraction may be the company of friends, a long trip (if you have that luxury), or the launching of major and maybe physically-demanding, spare-time project (if you can force yourself into one). Keep yourself occupied. Physical activities--jogging, swimming, tennis--are good therapy. And, as in the case of Rhonda, they will probably also help you sleep. As many people know, just "making it through the night" is often the most difficult part of each passing day. You don't need photos or gifts around you that will constantly remind you of the person. Just as Jan did, pack them all up and put them away--far away. In a year, or maybe two or three years, you might go through them and keep the things you want and throw out the rest. In five years you might like to put a few of the photos in your album along with some other pictures of important people and things in your life.
Remember, as time passes you will have an entirely different perspective on things. But for right now avoid the reminders. If it's obvious that the relationship is (or should be) over, take the "cold turkey" approach. Don't constantly "replay" or reexamine conversations or arguments you may have had. Yes, you will want to evaluate the relationship--to honestly admit its good points and its bad points, its rewards and its problems. But unless you know that a major error was made, something that can and should be fixed, walk away from the relationship and leave it behind. Make a clean and complete break. Wounds will heal faster if you don't risk constantly reopening them. Although you may believe at this point that you will never love again, try to remember that there is not just one, "right person" in the world for any of us. In time you can love again. And next time you will be a wiser person, a person who has benefited by experience and is now more capable of a successful relationship.
One final word. We said earlier that in surviving the breakup of a relationship we need to work through feelings of "emotional dependency." Most of the pain we experience after breaking off a relationship is centered in that dependency. In working through the end of a relationship, most people find, or are forced to find, a new inner strength and adequacy. Although people are important to our lives and happiness, no one person should be allowed to be absolutely essential to that happiness. If you feel that you "can't live without someone," know that such dependency betrays your own innate worth and sense of adequacy. By divesting responsibility for our own welfare, we make ourselves vulnerable and we can be easily manipulated. Above all, we must assume responsibility for ourselves. A truly solid relationship can only result from the blending of two truly solid people. When a relationship ends very painfully, you may have to face your need to assert and build your own adequacy as a separate, adequate human being. Five years from now you may realize that the pain you went through only marked the beginning of a new sense of strength and personal adequacy. As you have no doubt discovered, the painful events of our lives have a way of forcing us to grow.
Document 3:
The Perfect Words
"When nature fails, we turn to art," -Umberto Eco, The Island of the Day Before
In our recent turn of events, I greatly wish I could have found the right words to fix everything, as my physical actions had no effect. Nothing can change the past, nor the present, as we are here, now, without a way to wave a magic wand and make it all better. But I do have a future to promise you. However, what good is a promise if I no longer have your trust. Whatever words I could find, you always had a reason to distrust them.
"When nature fails, we turn to art," means that what we lack in our physical appearance and activities, we try to make up with our hearts and minds. I chose this book to quote from throughout this letter because it is the book I was studying during our relationship. It is a book of philosophy, of love, and a man trapped at sea with all the time in the world to refelct on the past, as I am, here, now. I am not a poet, so I cannot find those perfect words I have tried so hard to find. But someone else, has. And I can pick and choose which words can penetrate deep within our troubles and apply directly to us. Maybe, my addendums can help apply them to us. Yes, us. Even among the broken remains of our shattered relationship, there are a few pieces, still united... and maybe, through the years, it will be these pieces that hold the relationship strong.
After all this time, why be so romantic now?
"On grand occasions thought must also be grand"
If I had all this time to do the things I would like to have done to save this relationship, why wait until it's too late? I can never make-up for my actions in the past. In some ways, I guess you could say that I failed because I took for granted that you would always be there. It was a fatal mistake. Now that you are gone, this quote comes to mind.
Grand has many uses, and this occasion brings them all into one word. Grand describes the greatness of the love we had and lost. Grand is the titanic size of the bad situation we are in. And so, my thoughts must be large enough to conquer the "Big Bad" that overshadows us right now. It's hard to see all the good things and the blue sky with the great stormy cloud that looms over us right now like the depression that has haunted me since `98. So, I must, with the help of Mr. Eco, explode my words to gargantuan proportions. Maybe then, will they tower over the troubles and bring us to the blue skies once again.
Why is it worth saving?
"To live much is to be worth little. The cracked pot is never entirely broken, and in the end its very endurance becomes wearing"
If we cannot get through these times, then one of us is failing. I am doing whatever I must to keep you. If we can get past these times, then it will stand as strong proof that we truly love each other, whether you know what love is, or not. I have tried to move on, but I am not ready to simply discard the pot. We don't need a shiny life. We don't need to look or act like the perfect couple. The simple fact that you and I have been this far, and have lasted this long, is testimony that what we have is worth trying to save.
We can endure through thick and thin. Even the pot spends the vast majority of its life over a fire, but its user has a love for it that makes it his own, and the pot keeps its integrity even though the times are rough because he was not discarded at the sign of a crack, like you seem so willing to do with my love for you.
Why You?
"Would you continue your genuflections after old age has turned that body into a phantom, able only to remind you of the imminence of death?"
The fact is, this was not lust, as our sex life was nothing much to speak of. This was not a crush, as a crush would have ended long ago. This, my dear, is love. My love has no physical manifestations, and so, when time devours your rosy looks, my love will still stand. However, the blessing of love is also my damnation. Because it is not physical, I have nothing to show for the history of love I have for you, and so, cannot prove it.
But through the recent storm of harmful word on both our parts, my love still stands. I have said many harmful words towards you in an attempt to make the loss of your love easier to deal with. And, for a while, was able to hate you. But unlike love, hate is not eternal, and it died in a matter of hours. I cannot forget you. I cannot move on. God has made a way to bring two people together who were meant for each other. Although I am not God, I do know that I have a mystical attraction not to what we are now, or what we were in the past, but what we can become as a united couple.
Your heart, your intelligence, your upbringing, even the love I've seen in you in the past; all reasons that you are hard, if not impossible, to replace. If I were to find someone later in life, they would have some really big shoes to fill, and I know they will fail in attempts where you have succeeded without ever realizing love was being tested. I am not one to test, but our past has put it through unspeakable tortures. Though in the end, they won, it didn't end without a fight. And you fought with all your might. It is that passion that keeps me believing that we can, once again, be united.
Why do I need you?
"We are animals among animals, all children of matter, save that we are the more disarmed. But since, unlike animals, we know we must die, let us prepare for that moment by enjoying the life that has been given us by chance and for chance."
Many times you have stated that I need to learn to handle life on my own. While this is possible, I have stated that I refuse to. I do not want to lose this chance. But let me get to the quote. Maybe it will help you understand. There is much to be read in this quote, and it is understandable that the most important part of the quote can be overlooked easily. I will not get into the entire quote as the vast majority speaks for itself, so instead, I will talk about the overlooked part, "by chance and for chance".
Whether we believe in God or not, life did happen "by chance". If we do believe in God, then He brough along the conditions necessary for that chance of life to happen. If we do not believe in him, then it is not hard to believe that some fluke brought life about. Either way, it is chance that brought us here. Within these words is also the meaning of life, "for chance". Life is full of opportunities, and we are measured by how we take and manage them. Where I failed in a lot of them, nobody can say they have succeeded in All. Even Jesus failed, or there would no longer be antichristian, or anti-God for that matter. However, chance is, he is still working on that, and so shall not be judged as a failure as I have, even though my problems are still being worked through as well. You once passed up God, as you passed me up. Now I know the pain he felt when he lost you. Now, I have brought you back to him. Who, in turn, will bring you back to me?
Why do I believe words will do any good?
"If your fate and your fortune are decided not in the field but in the halls of the court, a good point scored in conversation will be more fruitful than a victorious attack in battle." - "... Most things can be paid for with words"
This can be interpreted in two ways. Both ways are correct. The first is the obvious which can be interpreted simply by reading it. The second meaning, however, stings much deeper. Many times in our arguments, I have attempted to, and sometimes succeeded to "score points in battle" seeing them as conflicts in the field. But in the halls of the court, where I am judged by your heart, I failed miserably because I could not find the words. Now I appeal, hoping you will find in yourself, the mercy to accept me back into your life. Please do. I love you.
- Love, Hector Rene' Segovia
