We went camping this weekend.  And we brought our little dog.  That dog disappears when it gets wet!  It has black hair and was getting too hot in the sun, so I took it for a little swim.  It can swim alright, but it’s so small that the cold lake water made the dog shiver uncontrollably.  I enjoyed a long, cruel, heartless laugh at the little vibrating ball of we hair before I took pity on her and dried her off.  She was such a good little doggie during the whole trip.  But she saved all her badness until she got home.

Last night I beat that furry little demon, I mean cute little dog (justifiably) at least four times.  First she peed on the carpet.  Then she chewed on something – I can’t remember what – but she was NOT supposed to chew on it.  THEN, she pulled the super move on me.

I took her outside for a little walk so she could take care of her business.  She was COMPLETELY uninterested in going to the bathroom.  We were outside for a long time, too.  She just walked around sniffing the grass.  This quickly became ridiculous so I took her back inside.

I locked the door and when I turned around the dog was doing its weird walk in a little circle, preparing to dump on my carpet.  That dog KNOWS it is not supposed to do that.  As fast as I possibly could, I picked the dog up to put it outside.  But I forgot that I locked the door with a deadbolt.  When I turned the doorknob and the door didn’t open, I panicked.  I tried to unlock to door really fast (my hands were shaking because I was in such a hurry).  As soon as I got the door unlocked...bombs away.

You see, I picked the dog up when it had passed the point of no return.  Once our dog starts its job, nothing, not even God himself, can stop her until she’s pushed everything out.  I thought the dog was just in the beginning phase, which is determining a site for the disaster.  I didn’t know it was in the middle of the process.  So I helped the dog make a bigger mess.

Instead of falling three or four inches, the super terds fell about three and a half feet, causing them to sink into the carpet much further than they normally would have.  Yes, I embarrassingly admit that our dog relieving itself on our carpet is “normal”.   By the time I got the dog outside, she was long finished.  If this keeps up, I’ll start bringing the dog outside and squeezing it like a ketchup bottle until it’s empty, then bring it back inside.  That will be much easier.  Of course, the dog will probably develop problems eating and especially breathing, but at least the carpet will stay clean.

Or, I could wet the dog, spray Lysol disinfectant on the dog’s hair and use the dog itself to clean up the mess.  Scrub the carpet with the dog, rinse the dog, scrub the carpet with the dog, rinse the dog, until the carpet is clean and fluffy again.  The dog would be its own clean up tool!
 

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