If you haven’t seen the movie let me share with you some insights, if I may.  Not of the plot in particular, but of a talent for which there is a very limited market.

Mr. Hanks’ character has a problem urinating.  Throwing a leak, taking a whiz, watering the flowers, playing fireman – however you best identify this particular action nature requires of us – Mr. Hanks’ character just wants to cry when he does it.

Now the purpose of this writing is not to gross you out, but to have you consider this:

Mr. Hanks’ had to practice acting like it hurt to pee.  How an actor of Mr. Hanks’ success and status goes about practicing this particular variety of acting is a mystery to me.  Did the director follow him into the restroom right up to the urinal and stand next to him?  “Ok, Tom, it hurts.  Pretend like it hurts……no Tom, MORE hurt, more pain, it hurts worse than that!  More wincing.  Good, good.  Ok, you go drink six more glasses of water and we’ll do this again in thirty minutes.  Remember Tom, it hurts bad.”

There are several A+ scenes in the movie where Mr. Hanks is peeing.  Or trying to pee.  Or falling down and peeing at the same time.  Or trying to pee and stay conscious in spite of the apparent excruciating pain he’s feeling.  In this film Mr. Hanks has managed to capture just about every possible human emotion and physical sensation one can feel while peeing.  At various points in the movie it may be necessary for you to cup your hand and whisper in your own ear “I’m sitting in a movie theatre watching Tom Hanks pee” to help it really sink in that this is actually happening and that the movie theatre made a profit off of your ticket purchase.

As the movie comes to an end you may say to yourself, to your date, or perhaps to someone sitting near you in the theatre:  “I don’t believe I recall ever seeing a movie which contained so many great peeing scenes!”

But since “A League Of Their Own” when Mr. Hanks’ character took a drunken, inhumanly long pee into the latrine in the locker room with his back to all of the female baseball players, I think we can see that Mr. Hanks has further perfected his rather unique talent for capturing the true essence of the human urinating experience and portraying it with such accuracy, fervor and passion on the silver screen.

Thank you, Mr. Hanks.  Thank you for peeing for us.  Thank you for taking us through the many pains, pleasures and human emotions associated with peeing.  Each time we pee, for better or for worse, we will remember your example.  You truly have an unparalleled God-given talent.  Not many people can pee like you pee, and even fewer can master relieving themselves in front of a motion picture camera.  Mr. Hanks you have undoubtedly earned every penny of your twenty million dollar salary for this movie.

Our hats are off to you, Mr. Hanks.

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