Products Which May Not Be "Good For You" But Aren't Necessarily "Bad For You"

I read on my Wrigley's Extra gum wrapper: "Does not promote tooth decay." 

According to www.dictionary.com:

pro·mote (pr-mt)

tr.v. pro·mot·ed, pro·mot·ing, pro·motes 

1.

    a.  To raise to a more important or responsible job or rank.
    b.  To advance (a student) to the next higher grade.
2.  To contribute to the progress or growth of; further.
3.  To urge the adoption of; advocate: promote a constitutional amendment. 
4.  To attempt to sell or popularize by advertising or publicity: commercials promoting a new product. 
5.  To help establish or organize (a new enterprise), as by securing financial backing: promote a Broadway show. 

I find it comforting that the gum I'm chewing was purposefully formulated to not advance my tooth decay to the next higher grade, and further that Wrigley's felt they needed to print this on the wrapper in the spirit of "good marketing." After all, I suppose it doesn't make sense to build a gum company on a product which accelerates the deterioration of the very part of the human body required to use said product.

Maybe in the future we'll see phrases on our automobile seatbelts which read "Does not promote crippling life-long injuries." Or perhaps "Does not promote head-splitting migraines" on the side of Advil bottles?

The goal of this style of advertising must be If the product can’t be advertised as “good for you”, then the next best thing is to advertise the product as “not necessarily bad for you.”

Further confusing the American consumer, the medical industry has contributed to the art of marketing, ad nauseam, to include the following:  a class of products which are simultaneously potentially beneficial to and potentially harmful to the consumer. 

Everyone has seen commercials on television for various medications where you hear how potentially beneficial these medications can be.  Immediately following this the voice of the commercial quickly rattles off a list of possible side effects. These side effects seem rather alarming as they are often along the lines of "hyper obesity" or "explosive diarrhea."  The marketing companies who script these commercials hope they can persuade you to casually disregard these harmful possibilities by telling you about them in a smooth, cavalier manner.

A few days ago I saw a commercial for a pill that is supposed to help you get a great night's sleep.  Potential consumers were warned that the pill "may cause drowsiness." If this premise hadn't been severely beaten into the ground already by so many comedians ripping on NyQuil, I'd have a field day with it right here and now. A sleeping pill that may cause drowsiness…is it possible?

The list of "possible side effects" was short, yet disturbing:

  • Dizziness 
  • Disorientation 
  • Diarrhea 
I believe most of us can deal with the first two, but you definitely do not want to be dizzy and disoriented when it comes to the third item on the list. Think about it. Perhaps they should recommend sporting an adult diaper along with taking the pill –  just in case you can't make it to the bathroom because A) you keep falling over or B) you don't know where you are in relation to the bathroom.

I’m amazed the FDA approved a drug that destroys people like this.  A pill that knocks you out to such a degree you have problems balancing, you lose your sense of where you are, and to top it off, you nearly lose control of your bowels.  That seems just a bit past “relaxed”.
 

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