I wrote you that other email before I read this one.  We are on the same wavelength.  I’ll have to be really inspired to use a new word so effectively [referring to my use of the word “discomfiture” to describe my dog Pepper].

By the way, our dogs enjoy the occasional cow pie, too.  Isn’t that SICK?  I can’t resist calling them “Poop-eaters” to their faces.  It’s so revolting.

And the most specialist treat of all?  The delicate young calf poo poo.  It must be the texture.  I have no idea.  I have taken to a quick firm switch with the horse whip when I see one of those sick animals [the dogs] slinking into the calf’s stall for a nibble.  GROSS.  How can I want those dogs within four feet of my face when I know where their mouths have been?  Eeww.  Forget that they’re 95-pound German shepherds with ferocious big teeth.  The secret to them being good house guard dogs is probably their breath!
 

Dogs have an amazing capacity to gross their owners out.  I am certain that the more you strive to effectively communicate your feelings of disgust and embarrassment about owning dogs, you will be compelled to search for new, more descriptive words to better communicate your feelings.

Odd, Pepper has become my inspiration to expand my vocabulary.  She is a 10-pound ugly, severely stupid animal who willingly eats her own feces.  Weird.

Forgive me if I don’t act surprised about what you said about your dogs sitting down to some nice sun-warmed cow pie.  Perhaps if they are really good doggies some day, you can mosey out into the calf’s stall with a bucket of vanilla ice cream (and a clothes hanger clamping your nose shut) and scoop out some ice cream to garnish those smooth, mousse-like cow pies?  Boy would those dogs think YOU were cool!  Pie a la mode.

Have you ever heard someone say “Dog’s mouths are cleaner than your mouth!”?  They say this like it is the gospel truth.  I’m certain whomever coined this phrase NEVER had a dog.  The dog just tossed down six terds like they were appetizers.  And the dog is the one with the clean mouth?

By the way, I love the idea about the whip.  Let me know how it turns out, I’ll consider getting one for Pepper – the little terd-muncher.  The tootsie-roll seeker.

If I can mention on other thing about…poop, since it is, indeed, my favorite thing to write about.  Are your dogs this way?  Pepper and Basil, when let outside to go to the bathroom, have no problem just squatting and peeing.  But when it comes to pooping, they have to first “get in the mood”, even though I’m sure they have to go.  They do this by walking around the yard and sniffing for old dumps.  I watch them do this.  They sniff this one, that one, and finally end up at an apparently REALLY good one (perhaps their personal most recent one?).  Then they freeze and just sniff it.  I mean, a real good sniffing.  Like it is a boquet of flowers or something.  They they’re “in the mood” and can go squat and walk around all funny-like in circles for about six minutes until they plop one out.  And what happens after they’re done?  They turn around and give this hot fresh one a good sniffing.  What are they thinking?  Maybe they’re thinking one of these thoughts:

“This one is definitely better than my last one.”
“I love the smell of them when they’re oven fresh.”
“I’ll have to come sniff this one the next time I want to poop.”
“This is my best yet!”

I mean, for the love of God, they don’t even let the thing cool off before they have to sniff it.  Off hand, I can’t think of any other species of animal that is so interested and preoccupied with their own waste.
 

Chris, your descriptions are so thorough and entertaining, it’s just unfortunate that there isn’t a wider public medium to share your work.  You know, like “Doo Doo Monthly” or something!  [What do you think about www.doodoomonthly.com?  Email me.]

No, our dogs don’t have such a big dilemma about where to poop.  They are so busy sniffing out the grossest thing to eat, that they can barely take the time to stop moving long enough to fertilize the lawn.

YES, I have heard people say dogs mouths are cleaner than ours.  As Dr. Evil would say, “Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”

And oh, I have tried the whip idea.  It does remove the offender from the stall with great speed.  However, the dogs seem to act afraid of the barn as a whole, as though, in that place, they receive severe discipline for no reason.  NO REASON.  Their pea-brains cannot fathom that eating the poop could possibly be the cause of the aforementioned affliction.  Hmmmm.  Ponder that.
 

I understand what you are saying about the dogs not being able to figure out that you are upset because they are EATING POOP.  Perhaps this somehow happened with Pepper way back?  And Pepper thought “Oh, my master gets angry and beats me when I eat (anything).  So I will now eat in the presence of my master.”

The difficult fact for us to swallow (verb used intentionally – he he) is that dogs honestly don’t think there is anything abnormal, let alone wrong, with eating poop.  So, I believe, in order to effectively punish them and teach them this taboo concept of “not eating poop”, you have to literally catch them in the act.  If you get them during the act, or mere moments afterwards, they have some hope of grasping the concept.

However, sometimes you find yourself plotting how you can “stake out” the dog and catch him in the act.  This may serve as an adequate way to accomplish your goal, but there is always (at least for me) a mild fear of embarrassment that someone is going to totally surprise you by tapping you on the shoulder and asking “What are you doing?”.  The brief, honest answer of “I’m waiting for my dog to come along and eat this poop, so that I may beat my dog.” seems horribly embarrassing.  I think when I reach dad’s age, this fear of embarrassment will exist for me no longer and I will concoct a devilish plot to bust my dog in the act and then enjoy the sweet reward of repeatedly hitting the dog until my hand hurts.  This brand of “police work” will be my idea of fun.  Man’s best friend.  Ha.
 

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