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Fiery Fo'bidden Love

"Willie, did yo' clean up them rooms like ah axed?" queried a slightly grumpy Barnabas Collins as he made his way into the drawin' room, dawgone it.
     "Yeah.  It's all done.  Say, whut did yer hankerin' t'do wif this hyar ole book of poetry I foun'.  ah reckon it belongs t'yo'."
     "Book of poetry?"
     "Yeah. It was in a trunk of thin's thet had yer name on it fum when yo' were a li'l kid, cuss it all t' tarnation.  ah guess yo' were writin' all about some gal yo' knowed.  Look hyar" Willie replied as he opened th' book t'th' lone intry writ in it.
     Barnabas eyes clouded ovah as he read th' contents of th' book. Shet mah mouth!  "ah ain't see this hyar in a mighty long time.  ah tried t'fo'git all about this."
     "But Barnabas, th' poem was right purdy.  Whuffo' did yer hankerin' t'fo'git it. Didn't yo' write this fo' Josette?" Willie axed, cornfused at his master's response.
     "No," he replied solemnly.  "It was writ fo' mah fust love, a woomin named Mary Jane."
     "Whut in tarnation happened t'her?"
     "She was placed into an arranged marriage t'mah Uncle Jerimiah by mah Pappy.  Soon af'erwards, she was killed in a terrible fire. ah was only ten years old at th' time.  ah wrote th' poem t'say fine goo'bye t'her, but ah nevah had th' courage to go out t'her grave an' read it t'her.  We used t'read poetry togither durin' th' af'ernoons when ah was done wif mah lessons."
     "Wal, it's not too late.  ah mean, she is still out thar waitin' fo' yo' come an' read poetry t'her," responded Willie.
     "Thank yo' Willie.  Yo' may hoof it now," said Barnabas as he strode on over t'th' coatrack t'pick up his familiar Invahness cape.
     "Alright, Barnabas," Willie said as th' front dore t'th' Old House closed, cuss it all t' tarnation.  "An', fine luck. Shet mah mouth!"
     A sho't time later at Eagle Hill Cemetary a lone figger made his way up t'a lonely grave marked "Mary Jane Stockbridge Collins 1745-1767."
     "Beloved Mary Jane, ah come har tonight t'do sumpin ah wish ah had done a long time ago, but nevah had th' courage t'do.  Now, hyar ah's.  Please fo'gimme fo' not bein' able t'come hyar until now an' doin' this.
     "A lot has happened on account o' then, as enny fool kin plainly see.  ah's not th' same varmint thet ah was then, eff'n yo' still reckon a varmint in mah state kin still be given th' luxury of bein' called a varmint. Howevah, ah made a vow t'do sumpin long ago an' now ah's hyar t'fu'fill it.
     "This hyar is sumpin I wrote t'yo' a long time ago.  ah knows it ain't th' bess poem in the wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation.  Most of it was jest ran'om thunks placed in no particular cadence o' rhymin' pattern o' ennythin' like thet.  It was jest whut ah felt at th' time.  ah hope thet wharevah yo' may be, yo' will hear this hyar an' knows thet it comes fum mah heart.
"We had lotsa fun togither
By th' calm evenin' seas
Yo' who was so warm t'me
ah can now see yer dream

"As this hyar was our fust love
Our spirits were made t'dance
Ev'ry time we met
We were so sweet wif etch other

"As th' seasons past
We laughed an' cried togither
ah believed thet we'd nevah change

"Mah love, thet time we spoke of th' future
Now, af'er it all, when ah refleck on it
Warm feelin's is all ah have

"In a place far away
Whut in tarnation dreams does yo' now have
ah look t'th' sky fo' an answer

"Mah love, even eff'n yo' love someone else now
Once in a spell
Remember us in a co'ner of yer heart

"Mah love, yo' who were so radiant
Shine like thet fo'evah mo'e."
     A sin'le tear fell fum th' man t'th' groun' as he turned an' lef' on th' long walk home.
     Walkin' back towards th' Old House, Barnabas changed his mind spontaneously, an' started walkin' towards Widow's Hill, ah reckon. He wanted t'go whar it had all inded fo' him, to whar th' only woomin he had evah loved had chosen death rather than spend an eternity wif him as his vampire bride.
     Th' clear night, brisk, but not yet cold, as he knowed it'd soon be, stars twinklin' in th' sky, moon full an' bright, did not match his dark sto'mah depressed mood, cuss it all t' tarnation. The evenin' had started out okay until Willie had foun' th' poem he had writ to Mary Jane, an' af'er readin' it, a renaissance of so'ts. Pickurin' her right purdy blue eyes, an' shinin' blonde hair in his mind, his thunks were racin' now ah wonner whut'd have happened eff'n ah had been older then, as enny fool kin plainly see.W'd she haf loved me? W'd ah have loved her as much as Josette? Gazin' on over Widow's Hill, glancin' t'th' rocks below, sadness crepp into his soul, eff'n he had one. Th' waves were poun'in' an' roarin' on over th' jagged rocks below. Th' rocks thet had claimed Josette so menny years befo'e. A heartbeat, an' not one ah reckanize, Barnabas thunk t'hisse'f. Th' soun' had shook him outta his revahie. Stan'in' still not movin', jest lissenin', he heard th' steady poun'in' of th' heartbeat a-comin' closer.
     He c'd tell th' varmint knowed th' terrain, an' was not in a helter-skelter. Upon him now, he turned aroun', his eyes widened in a whisper th' wo'd excaped fum his mouth, "Mary Jane."
    Th' night had been right fine an' clear; mists now seemed t'biller up fum th' groun' like sof' feather pillers. He knowed it was Mary Jane, even though th' figger was dressed in a long, hooded cloak. Shet mah mouth! He stood, as eff'n frozen t'th' spot, unable to move.
     Th' figger moved toward him, slowly throwin' th' hood back t'reveal th' gold spun hair, pulled back away fum her face an' tied wif a ribbon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Her eyes were as crystal blue as allus, jest as he'd remembered, cuss it all t' tarnation. As she approached him, her mouth curved into a sweet, sensuous smile. "So, Barnabas," she said in greetin'. "We meet agin." Her voice was sof', moosical, ah reckon.
     He held his han' out to her, an' she grasped it. Her flesh was sof' an' mighty warm t'th' touch."Mary Jane," he whispered, cuss it all t' tarnation. "But how--?"
     "Yo' summoned me, didn't yo' knows thet? Wif yer thunks of love, yo' awakened me fum mah slumber. ah's hyar agin now." She retched out wif her other han' an' juntly caressed th' side of his face. "Oh, Barnabas," she said wif a sigh. "Yo've grown up, ain't yo'? How ah remember th' sweet li'l fella wif th' sof' brown eyes who'd foller me fum room t'room, dawgone it. ah can still see thet fella in yo', but ah also see th' man yo've become."
     He stepped toward her, pullin' her into his embrace. His cloak infolded them both. He bent his haid down t'meet her uppurned one an' pressed his cold lips t'her mighty warm, passhunate mouth. All thunks of Josette were driven fum his mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. He didn't reckon of Vicki o' Maggie o' Julia as he felt hisse'f bein' drawn in by the fiery creature befo'e him, dawgone it. He knowed whut she pow'ful was; he knowed whut a danger she c'd represent not only t'hisse'f but t'th' ress of th' fambly. He didn't care, fo' in this hyar moment, all thet mattered was thet his fust love was hyar befo'e him an' thet she wanted him, too.
     Releasin' her fum the fiery passhunate kiss, he c'd feel th' vampire deman'in' t'be satisfied, cuss it all t' tarnation.  He knowed he c'd no longer corntrol his urges, he was a-gonna take her now, make her his.  Dawgone th' consequences. He c'd feel his fangs dexcendin' fum their sheaths, his eyes were golden wif desuhe, Mary Jane was clutchin' him, dawgone it. "Yessuh, Barnabas, make me yourn," th' right purdy bein' whispered t'him, dawgone it.
     "Yessuh, Mary Jane, ah will make yo' mine, " Barnabas whispered seduckively, while strokin' th' side of her jaw wif his fo'efinger." He sank his veins into her, an' she clutched at him, moans of ecstasy fillin' th' mists surroun'in' them, dawgone it. He stroked her back wif feathery moshuns, touchin', an' sensin' her fo'm, knowin' thet she wanted him t'make mo'tal love t'her. He c'd tell fum her blood her desuhe was a livin' thin' thet corntrolled her. She desuhed t'control, but knowed she c'd nevah c'd corntrol him, an' he felt her excitement at thet, an' it excited him, dawgone it.
     Th' waves of desuhe an' pleasure were warshin' on over her in to'rents, an' feedin' back t'him, dawgone it. He was mighty ereck, an' wanted her now. He disengaged his fangs, an' pulled outta their embrace, an' told her t'undress now. She told him, no. He stared at her mighty coldly, an' said so be it. "Mary Jane, yer unner mah corntrol, yo' knows thet, doesn't yo'?" Th' quesshun axed in a daidly quiet voice. Th' eyes back t'th' no'mal colo', only they were black bottomless pits, th' fangs had receded, but his countenance was daidly. Th' Vampire did not like to be disobeyed by his vickims.
     "Barnabas, ah's not hoomin like other wimmen," Mary Jane said wif laughter in her voice.
     "Mary Jane, yo' will do as ah say," Barnabas said, th' desuhe an' lest thick in his voice, he was advancin' closer t'her.
     "Barnabas, whuffo' does yo' be hankerin' me so badly?" Mary Jane axed him mighty serious by now.
     Barnabas was distracked, Mary Jane noticed it, an' then she knowed whuffo', th' smell of jasmine was thick in th' air.
     This hyar wretched place, Mary Jane thunk t'herse'f, an' now she is back. Shet mah mouth!
     "Yo'! Fry mah hide!" Mary Jane said to th' ghostly fo'm of th' right purdy Josette Collins.
     "Yessuh, me. An' yo' will not haf him, dawgone it. He is mine fo' all eternity! Fry mah hide!" Th' ghostly fo'm of Josette Collins said in a mighty sof', but determined tone.
     Barnabas was transfixed by th' fo'm of Josette, as eff'n he were pareelyzed, cuss it all t' tarnation. He jest watched th' two exchange wo'ds. He heard Mary Jane reply t'Josette, "we will jest see about thet. Git back t'yer grave whar yo' belong! Fry mah hide!" Mary Jane said her eyes glowin'.
     "Mary Jane, is yo' all right?" Barnabas axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Come hyar, Barnabas,"Mary Jane said seduckively, she had made up her mind, she'd haf Barnabas right hyar an' now.
     Th' jasmine scent grew stronger, suffocatin'ly so, but Mary Jane corntinued t'draw Barnabas t'her wif her fiery heat. He c'd not resist. Th' jasmine was growin' stronger.
     As Barnabas moved to take Mary Jane into his embrace, he c'd hear th' voice of his once beloved Josette whisperin' into his ear, "Not this one, mah love, she is evil, ah reckon."
     Barnabas felt as eff'n he was movin' t't'other plane, his hide caught in time an' space betweenMary Jane an' her warm desuhe an' th' etharal spirit of Josette. It was as eff'n time stopped movin'.He foun' hisse'f facin' Josette. "Yo' released me, beloved," he protested, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Thet is true; fo' thar is someone who is t'be yer own true love. It is not me an' thet is whuffo' ah released us fum etch other. But ah also knows thet this hyar bein' is evil an' will destroy yo', an' ah yet feel sech a strong bond thet ah muss stop yo'. ah doesn't be hankerin' yo' t'be destroyed, beloved, cuss it all t' tarnation."
     "Mary Jane kinnot corntrol me; ah control her," Barnabas argued, cuss it all t' tarnation. "ah have wanted her on account o' ah was a yo'ng fella."
     "She will use thet want aginst yo', beloved, t'destroy yo'. She is not hoomin, as yo' once were, an' she has nevah had mo'tal feelin's as yo' once did, cuss it all t' tarnation. She will use yo' t'git whut she be hankerin', an' thet is Abner. She was been reawakened to her origeenal purpose-yer love fo' her called her back, but now thet she is hyar, she desuhes not only t'have yo', but t'have her son as fine."
     "Mah God! Fry mah hide!" Barnabas exclaimed, shocked by th' eno'mity of whut he had done by th' simple readin' of his love poem, dawgone it. "Whut in tarnation is ah to do?"
     "Yo' muss destroy her, beloved-yo' muss ack t'save yo'seff an' ev'ryone else at Collinwood fum this creature thet has been unloosed agin."
     Barnabas was stunned, to put it mildly. Th' events of this hyar evenin' were almost too much fo' to him t'comprehend, cuss it all t' tarnation. It'd be difficult inough t'try t'deal wif this on a no'mal day (o' night), but wif th' heavy fog of desuhe still hangin' on over him, reckonin' was nearly impostible. He knowed he had t'do sumpin t'stop Mary Jane fum destroyin' Abner, but then agin, whut?
     "Barnabas darlin'," whispered Mary Jane seduckively in his ear, "fo'git whut she has said, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah's har now. We kin be togither now in a way thet warn't postible befo'e. Take me now an' I'll show yo' whut ah can does fo' yo'."
    "NO! Fry mah hide! Not now! Fry mah hide! Fo'gimme, beloved, but ah muss go." Barnabas quickly dematerialized t'excape this hyar situashun. He knowed he had t'git away fum both Mary Jane an' Josette eff'n he were t'have enny hope of tryin' t'solve this hyar difficult puzzle. Barnabas knowed thet he had t'proteck Abner at all costs.
     Materializin' near Collinwood, Barnabas took sevahal deep breaths t'clear his haid an' checked his watch. It was almost ten, as enny fool kin plainly see. Julia'd still be awake at this hyar time an' was probably readin' t'other one of her medical journals. Wif a heavy heart, Barnabas opened th' dore an' haided into th' drawin' room, dawgone it. Fo'tunately, ev'ryone seemed t'have gone out fo' th' evenin' as thar was no one save Julia in sight in eifer th' drawin' room o' th' foyer.
    "Good evenin', Barnabas. Yo' look upset. Is sumpin wrong?" queried Julia as she looked up fum her latess issue of JAMA.
     "Sumpin terrible has happened, Julia. But fust, ah need t'knows sumpin.  Is Abner har?"
     "No, he an' Roger lef' this af'ernoon t'go t'Boston, as enny fool kin plainly see. Whut in tarnation's gwine on?" Julia axed wif corncern creepin' into her voice.
     "Somehow, ah did sumpin today thet ah didn't reckon was postible. ah was at Eagle Hill tonight, sayin' fine-goo'bye t'a part of mah past ah had fo'gotten, as enny fool kin plainly see. Somehow ah resurrecked someone fum th' past an' thet varmint desuhes t'have Abner an' mahse'f."
     "Barnabas, whut are yo' talkin' about?" Julia looked at him incredulously. "Whut in tarnation does yo' mean, 'desuhes' t'have yo' an' Abner?"
     Barnabas took t'other deep breath befo'e answerin'. "Mary Jane Collins is back an' she be hankerin' me an' her son, as enny fool kin plainly see."
     "Thet's impostible!" said a noo voice interin' th' drawin' room, dawgone it. "ah thunk Mary Jane had been destroyed by fire an' c'dn't return t'claim Abner."
     "No, Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mary Jane came back fum th' grave," a now solemn Barnabas replied, cuss it all t' tarnation. "ah doesn't knows how it happened, but it did an' now she be hankerin' me an' Abner."
     "But whuffo'?" Julia an' Quentin axed simultaneously.
     "ah's hankerin' Barnabas on account o' ah love him, dawgone it. An' this hyar time ah will git whut ah want," said Mary Jane as ev'ryone gasped in shock at her sudden appeareence in th' drawin' room, dawgone it.
     "Yo'! Fry mah hide!" Quentin said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Yessuh, Quentin, it's me. ah muss say ah's as surprised t'see yo' as yer t'see me," Mary Jane said her eyes now widened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' calmness leavin' them as she sar someone fum t'other lifetime.
     Now all eyes were on Quentin as th' exchange between Quentin an' Mary Jane was gwine on, as enny fool kin plainly see.
     "Whut in tarnation does yo' mean yo' mean t'have Barnabas an' Abner?" Quentin axed in a steely voice.
     "Oh, Quentin, dear, ah reckon yo' knows exackly whut ah mean," Mary Jane reto'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Quentin, ah doesn't know exackly whut is gwine on hyar. ah doesn't unnerstan' how yo' an' Mary Jane c'd postibly knows one t'other. She died when ah was a fella," Barnabas info'med his cousin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
     "Wal, Cousin Barnabas, ah's jest as surprised as yer, on account o' this hyar woomin died in 1896 in a fire in Alexan'ria, Egypp," Quentin told Barnabas nevah takin' his eyes off th' woomin he thunk he'd nevah see agin.
     "Barnabas, Quentin, whut on earth is yo' talkin' about?" Julia finally deman'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation. She didn't like feelin' lef' out, especially wif sumpin like this.
     Igno'in' Julia, Quentin laughed as he said, "Yo' *love* *Barnabas*. Yer not capable of lovin' ennyone, Mary Jane, an' yo' knows it. An' as far as Abner goes, ah reckon yo' tried thet wif Jamison, as enny fool kin plainly see. It didn't wawk wif him, an' it won't wawk wif Abner." Quentin was tauntin'.
     Barnabas felt hisse'f grow angry as his cousin spoke t'this right purdy woomin whom had cappured his heart as a yo'ng fella, an' he still wanted her. He c'dn't he'p it.
     Quentin an' Julia were startled when Barnabas all but shouted at them, "Leave mah house, both of yo'." Barnabas comman'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     Julia didn't respond, an' Quentin opened his mouth t'speak but th' look Barnabas gave him, stopped him, dawgone it.
     "Come on, Quentin, less go. We'll talk t'Barnabas later," Julia said gesturin' t'Quentin t'leave.
     Af'er Quentin an' Julia lef', Barnabas stood starin' at Mary Jane wantin' t'ax her whut Quentin meant, but all of a sudden it didn't mean ennythin' t'him, he jest wanted her agin. He opened his arms, an' she scooted into his embrace, pullin' her into him, she turned her haid, an' he sunk his fangs into her, exertin' mo'e of his corntrol on over her. He c'd feel her shudder as th' pleasure coursed through her. He felt her press her breasts into him, as his manhood began to harden, as enny fool kin plainly see. Pullin' her tight aginst him, he disengaged his fangs, an' wif a pow'ful swoop lif'in' her into his arms, kissed her, lettin' her taste th' blood, an' she pricked his lip an' tasted his blood, an' all reasonin' lef' him, he then corntinued walkin' upstairs t'th' master bedroom, dawgone it.
     Meanwhile, in an aban'oned area of th' East Win' of Collinwood, a mist carryin' th' scent of jasmine began t'appear near an emppy room thet was suddenly filled wif smoke. A lone figger emerged staggerin' an' coughin' fum th' smoky room an' eemeejutly fell t'th' flore, grateful fo' th' smoke free, yet stale air.
     In front of th' figger, th' jasmine scented mist began t'slowly take on th' ghostly fo'm of Josette Collins.
     "Who...who is yo'? Whar is I?" axed th' figger, wonnerin' eff'n whut she sar was real o' some so't of smoke indooced hallucinashun.
     "ah's a friend, cuss it all t' tarnation. In life ah was known as Josette Collins. Yer hyar in th' time ban' whar yer beloved Barnabas currently lives though it has been one year fo' him on account o' he last sar yo'.
     "Yo' see, ah too, obsarved yer ackshuns through th' pareellel time room, dawgone it. An', on account o' of whut has happened hyar, ah have been granted th' power t'brin' yo' hyar so thet yo' may be able t'save Barnabas."
     "Whut in tarnation has happened t'Barnabas?" axed th' figger.
     "An evil intity fum Barnabas' chilehood has excaped fum th' grave an' returned hyar. Th' entity is a Phoenix monster named Mary Jane Collins. Her goal hyar is th' same as in th' past. She be hankerin' t'sacrifice her son in this hyar time, a fella named Abner Collins, t'th' dark god Ra. She then planned t'be impregnated by Barnabas an' then sacrifice Barnabas, th' chile an' herse'f t'Ra.
     "Mary Jane believes thet she has bested me, but ah have abilities an' smarts thet Mary Jane don't. Vampires is sterile. Mary Jane has t'wait fo' one week af'er she has cured him befo'e she kin attempp t'become pregnant. It is durin' thet time thet yo' will save Barnabas."
     "But whut kin ah do aginst Mary Jane Collins?" axed th' figger.
     "Yo' haf strong psychic powers, Roxanne. Yer th' only one hyar who does. Yo' haf strong abilities in th' area of psychometry. Yo' muss use thet power t'discovah Mary Jane's weaknesses so thet yo' an' yer allies kin destroy her."
     Roxanne, who was almost beyond believin' ennythin' she had jest heard, managed t'compose herse'f an' axed, "Who is mah allies?"
     "Julia Hoffman, whom yo' remember fum when yo' met Barnabas an' Quentin Collins. Give Julia this hyar note," said Josette as she passed a piece of paper t'Roxanne. "But, ah muss warn yo' not t'seek out Barnabas tonight. Yer still too weak fum yer experiences in t'other time ban'. Git to Julia. She will he'p yo' regain yer stren'th t'fight Mary Jane. Farefine."
     Wif thet, th' spirit of Josette faded away leavin' Roxanne alone in th' hallway. Th' note in her han' was th' only reason Roxanne believed enny of whut had happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. But, based upon her experiences in her native time ban', whuffo' sh'd she be surprised o' shocked by enny of whut she had heard, cuss it all t' tarnation. Eff'n a man kin use yer life fo'ce t'brin' varmints back fum th' daid, then whuffo' kin't th' daid come an' he'p out th' livin'? Eff'n her Barnabas were in danger, she'd does ennythin' t'he'p him, dawgone it. Af'er all, he risked hisse'f menny times t'save her fum Timmy-Boy Stokes, Claude No'th an' the ir diabolical plans.
     Af'er restin' a moment, Roxanne got up an' made her way downstairs t'th' drawin' room, dawgone it.

     In th' drawin' room at Collinwood, Julia an' Quentin sat (wif six packs in han', of course!) tryin' t'figger out whut t'do about Barnabas an' Mary Jane.
     "ah read about Mary Jane Collins when ah was gwine through th' fambly histo'ies af'er ah fust arrived, but ah had no idea thet she had been involved wif previous junerashuns of th' Collinses. This hyar gives noo meanin' t'a comment Roger once told me he made about visitin' his 'incesto's' at th' mausoleum," remarked Julia.
     "ah know. An' it don't he'p thet ev'ry time she dies, she finds some way t'come back. Shet mah mouth! ah pow'ful wish we knowed how t'git rid of her fo'evah."
     "ah reckon ah may be of some he'p thar," said Roxanne as she intered th' drawin' room, dawgone it. "ah doesn't knows exackly how ah got hyar, but eff'n yo' two is tryin' t'he'p save Barnabas, then ah's hankerin' t'join yo'."
     Quentin an' Julia were stunned t'silence.
    "Roxanne!" Julia said shocked, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Yessuh, Julia it is me," th' yo'ng woomin said, starin' at a stan'in' Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. He was jest as shocked as she was. She looked like the vampire thet Barnabas had had hidden in th' room behind th' bookcase at th' Old House, who had disappeared when she died in 1840.
    He had see her in th' room in th' East Win' also. Thet's who thet gal was callin' fo' Barnabas in th' smoke-filled room of t'other time ban'. How had she gotten hyar, an' whut was she talkin' about?
    "Whut in tarnation does yo' mean, yer hankerin' t'he'p us save Barnabas, yo'ng woomin" Quentin axed her still preplexed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Af'er Roxanne had explained t'them about th' ghostly viset of Josette Collins, it made sense t'Quentin an' Julia.
    "Roxanne, will yo' excuse us fo' jest one minute. ah need t'talk to Quentin about sumpin?" Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Sho'nuff," Roxanne replied, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Quentin, whar is she a-gonna stay?" Julia axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Here at Collinwood, of course," Quenin said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "She looks jest like th' Roxanne thet was wif Sebastian Shaw, remember?" Julia axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Wal, I'll jest tell Roger an' Elizabeth who she is an' whar she came fum. They knows all about thet room in th' East Win'. Now, mah dear, yer wo'ryin' too much. Don't wo'ry. I'll take care of it. " Quentin said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Th' real problem we is a-gonna haf is explainin' Mary Jane' s reappeareence t'Roger, an' this hyar dyin' desuhe she is displayin' fo' Barnabas," Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Oh, ah reckon he'll be grateful fo' thet," Quentin said sarcastically as one who knowed.
    "Wal, at least he an' Cassan'ra haf reconciled, an' they're speckin' their baby in about two months," Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Julia, yo' knows whut Cassan'ra is a-gonna does when she sees Mary Jane, an' Mary Jane sees her. ah hope they doesn't start their territo'ial wars. She has been hard inough t'git along wif ennyway lately,"Quentin said rememberin' his last incounter wif Cassan'ra, when he had refused t'go git her some weird grub in th' middle of th' night, when Roger was on a business trip.
    "Quentin, whut about Abner?" Julia axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Wal, less hoof it git Roxanne settled in, Quentin said, an' then howsabout me an' yo' gwine into Collinspo't, an' a-gonna th' Blue Whale, haf a six pack, an' talk this hyar ovah." Quenint said holdin' Julia by th' sh'ders.
    "Thet, Quentin Collins, is an excellent idea," Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Eff'n yo' doesn't mind, I'd like t'come wif yo' t'this Blue Whale," Roxanne said, some of th' colo'in' returnin' t'her face.
    "Is yo' sho'nuff yo' feel fine inough?" Julia axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Thar is thin's we need t'discuss away fum Collinwood," she explained, pullin' out th' note Josette had given her an' han'in' it t'Julia. Julia read it in shocked silence an' then passed it t'Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. "ah w'd do ennythin' t'he'p Barnabas," Roxanne said in a yarnin' tone thet cuzd Julia to give her an odd, caestic glance.
     "How much did Josette tell yo'?" Julia axed
    "'Nuff fo' me t'knows thet ah can depend on yo' t'he'p me. Thar are complicashuns thet ah's not fully aware of. Yo' kin gimme th' details. Also, we kin develop a plan togither t'save Barnabas an' th' li'l fella, Abner."
    They'd gotten into Quentin's car, Julia gittin' t'th' back. Shet mah mouth! Quentin gave Roxanne a speculative look. Shet mah mouth! "We is to he'p yo'?" he axed incredulously. "Fo'gimme, but…"
    Roxanne retched on over an' took his han' in hers. She looked into his eyes an' said sof'ly, "Yer mighty old, yet yo' appear t'be yo'ng an' attrackive. Yo' carry th' pain of a ho'rible secret, one which yo' prefer not t'reckon about ennymo'e. Yer mighty lonely in spite of yer hansum face. Yo've lost yer true love, ain't yo'? ah's so'ry."
    Quentin felt th' hairs risin' along th' back of his neck. Shet mah mouth! Frightened, he juntly disengaged his han' fum Roxanne's. "How did yo' knows all thet? Whut in tarnation makes yo' so sho'nuff of yo'seff?"
    "ah cain't explain t'yo' whut ah's not sho'nuff ah unnerstan' mahse'f. ah only know thet ah can he'p yo' aginst this hyar Mary Jane. ah already knows so much about her by holdin' th' note writ by Josette Collins. She was fust married up wif to Barnabas' uncle, was she not?"
    "Fella, ah need thet six pack now," Quentin muttered, startin' th' car.
    "Yessuh, an' she has returned twice on account o'," Julia began, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Once as Quentin's sister-in-law th' late nineteenth century." Roxanne warn't shocked; she seemed t'knows th' truth about Quentin ennyway. "She tried t'immolate herse'f an' her chillun by Edward Collins, but she was thwarted by Barnabas. Then, mo'e recently, she was th' wife of Roger Collins an' attempped t'take her son Abner in th' same way. Abner's govahness saved him, dawgone it."
    "She is a phoenix," Roxanne commented, cuss it all t' tarnation. "She has returned on account o' of th' poem Barnabas wrote as a fella. Do yo' reckon ah might be able t'touch it?" Quentin an' Julia exchanged puzzled looks. "It's jest thet ah can 'read' thin's fum sumpin ah touch. ah might be able t'tell how it was thet Barnabas was able to brin' Mary Jane back prematurely, o' ah might be able t'deteck a vulnerable spot in her fum holdin' thet piece of paper."
    They'd arrived at th' Blue Whale an' took a table in th' back. Shet mah mouth! Quentin was quick t'o'der some six packs fo' them all; th' yo'ng woomin Roxanne was right purdy an' mighty desuhable, but she'd mighty unnerved him, dawgone it. Then he said, "ah reckon we can arrange thet, Roxanne."
     "An' ah unnerstan' about Angelique as fine. ah got thet info'mashun fum Josette, but she was in 1897, too, was she not?"
     "Thet's right! Fry mah hide!" Julia exclaimed, surprised, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     Roxanne looked direckly at Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Thar is a lot thet ah do knows already."
    Quentin looked at his han' nervously, then surreppitiously wiped it on his pants. When th' six packs came, he picked his up an' gu'ped it. "Do yo' know about Cassan'ra?" he axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "No--yo'd better tell me about her. Thet's whuffo' ah felt it was impo'tant fo' us t'talk. Shet mah mouth!"
    "Cassan'ra is Angelique," Julia explained, cuss it all t' tarnation. "She returned some time ago to to'ment Barnabas agin. She was married up wif t'Roger but lef' him when her plans failed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Howevah, she has--returned, an' she an' Roger haf reconciled, cuss it all t' tarnation. They are about t'have their fust chile togither."
    "An' she's cranky as hell," Quentin put in, as enny fool kin plainly see. "An' eff'n yo' remember ev'rythin' about 1897, then yo' knows th' part Angelique played in gittin' rid of Mary Jane."
    "Perhaps Cassan'ra kin be an ally. I'd hafta meet her t'be able t'tell, ah reckon."
    "Cassan'ra is a mighty unpredickable intity," Julia said then, as enny fool kin plainly see. "She seems to have fo'gotten about Barnabas, an' she seems t'care fo' Roger an' th' baby, but ah's wo'ried about how she'll reack when she reckanizes thet Barnabas has brought Mary Jane back somehow--an' thet he apparently be hankerin' her, an' she be hankerin' him, dawgone it. She may not care; on t'other han', she c'd be come jealously infuriated--an' then she'd be a dangerous inemah, not an ally."
    "ah's not sho'nuff how she'd reack t'yo', Roxanne," Quentin added, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Yo' love Barnabas yo'seff, doesn't yo'?"
    "I'll hafta take thet chance. Won't ah be meetin' her--when yo' intrydooce me t'Elizabeth an' Roger?"
     "Thet's true," Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah need only shake her han', as ah did yourn, Quentin," Roxanne said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "I reckon I'll be able t'git a 'feel' fo' how she'd reack t'me--an' to Mary Jane."
     "Mary Jane," Quentin said thunkfully. "We still hafta find a way t'git rid of her."
    "Less start wif thet letter," Roxanne suggested, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Brin' me t'Collinwood, intrydooce me t'th' fambly, an' then brin' me thet letter."
    It seemed th' bess plan of ackshun, an' they were all agreed, cuss it all t' tarnation. They finished their six packs an' went back t'Collinwood, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Only Elizabeth was up an' in th' drawin' room when they came in, as enny fool kin plainly see. As agreed, Quentin took on over an' made th' intryduckshuns t'his cousin, as enny fool kin plainly see. He explained thet he had foun' Roxanne a-comin' outta th' East Win' hall, fum th' direckshun of th' Pareellel Time room, dawgone it. Elizabeth was intrigued, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Of course yer welcome to stay wif us, mah dear. All of this hyar muss be a tremenjus shock fo' yo'. In thet other time, Quentin menshuned thet thar was a fire. An' yo' somehow survived it?"
     "Yessuh, ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Not much of thet Collinwood remains, but thar is inough of a struckure lef' thet ah made mah way back t'th' room-an' it changed once agin. ah foun' mahse'f hyar."
     "Whut in tarnation on earth'd make yo' hoof it back into sech a dangerous place?" Elizabeth wonnered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah was corncerned fo' two friends thet ah thunk were trapped thar. ah was hopin' t'find some-clue o' remnants thet'd tell me whut had happened to them, dawgone it."
    "An' did yo'?" axed Elizabeth.
     "Oh, yessuh. Didn't yo' know? One of mah friends was Julia, an' t'other was Barnabas. ah cain't tell yo' how delighted ah's t'find Julia alive an' fine." Roxanne turned an' gave Julia a right purdy smile.
    Jest then, th' dore opened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Quentin got up an' went into th' foyer. "Roger! Fry mah hide! Cassan'ra! Fry mah hide! Yer home!" he called out, mo'e heartily than he might have no'mally.
     "Oh, darlin', ah jest be hankerin' t'set down, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mah ankles is so swollen! Fry mah hide!" Cassan'ra complained in a whinin' tone.
     "Of course, mah pet. Let me he'p yo' into th' drawin' room, dawgone it."
     "Ah, we haf a guest," Quentin said, precedin' them into th' room, dawgone it. Roger came in, holdin' Cassan'ra's arm t'suppo't her. Almost eight months pregnant, she didn't seem t'have gained enny weight; howevah, she looked ungainly an' uncomfy. She was carryin' th' baby high, an' her face an' ankles were swollen, as enny fool kin plainly see. She looked wif annoyance at Julia an' Elizabeth, her eyes a-comin' t'ress suspiciously on Roxanne.
    "Roger, Cassan'ra, may ah present Roxanne Drew," Quentin began, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Roxanne, mah cousin Roger an' his lovely wife, Cassan'ra Collins."
    Roxanne stepped fo'ward wif a pleasant smile an' held her han' out to Cassan'ra. "How does yo' do?"
    Cassan'ra pow'ful didn't be hankerin' t'meet ennyone knowed right now, but it looked as though she had no choice. Shakin' th' yo'ng woomin's han', an' invitin' her t'set down, an' had Roger fix six packs fo' ev'ryone. Cassan'ra told Roger t'give her plain water, acceppin' milk af'er his affeckshunate cajolin'. Cassan'ra c'dn't seem t'keep her eyes off her husbin. How c'd she haf evah lef' him? She was thankful ev'ry moment thet he had agreed t'reconciliashun, an' had spent ev'ry second tryin' t'make up t'him enny unhappiness she had cuzd, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Whut in tarnation an experience fo' yo', Miss Drew," Cassan'ra said, once it was explained t'her how Roxanne had inded up in their house. Quentin had lef' out th' parts about Mary Jane an' Josette. Cassan'ra looked tired, no need t'cuz her enny undue stress until it was necessary, Quentin thunk t'hisse'f. Th' firewawks will begin soon inough.
    "Cassan'ra, Roxanne knowed Barnabas an' Julia quite fine," Elizabeth said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Has Barnabas been told about Roxanne?" Cassan'ra axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "No. No, he hain't." Julia replied, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Wal, doesn't yo' reckon it'd be a fine idea t'tell him as soon as postible thet this hyar yo'ng lady is okay?" Roger axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Wal, he has unspecked compenny, Roger. ah doesn't reckon now is the time," Quentin said fidgitin'.
    "Honey, whar is Abner?" Cassan'ra axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "ah believe he's upstairs preparin' fo' dinner," Roger said strokin' Cassan'ra's hair.
    "Eff'n yo' all will excuse me, ah's a-gonna check on Abner, an' freshen up a li'l befo'e dinner," Cassan'ra said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Do yo' need me t'come wif yo'?" Roger axed lookin' ado'in'ly at his wife.
    "Oh, yessuh, mighty much so, Cassan'ra replied, cuss it all t' tarnation."
    "Ms. Drew, it was nice meetin' yo', an' we will see yo' at dinner. Quentin, Julia, Elizabeth, excuse us, please," Roger said takin' his wife's han' t'he'p her rise fum th' divan, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    "Wal, I'd better hoof it check wif Mrs. John-Boyson about dinner, an' tell her we haf t'other varmint thet will dine wif us," Elizabeth said as she was already walkin' outta th' drawin' room, dawgone it.
    "Wal, whut did yo' surmise fum Cassan'ra? Friend o' foe? Quentin axed sarcastically, acshully relieved Roger was back. Shet mah mouth! Th' last trip into Collinspo't lookin' fo' a special ice cream fo' th' mighty pregnant Mrs. Roger Collins had been ennythin' but pleasant. He c'dn't make up his mind eff'n he preferred her as a prackicin' witch, it was runnin' a mighty close second, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Neifer," Roxanne replied, cuss it all t' tarnation. (Knockin' on th' dore)
    "Mah gosh, ah wonner who thet c'd be," Julia remarked, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Quentin an' Julia stared at etch other, holdin' their breath, hopin' it was not who they thunk it'd be.
    They heard Elizabeth answerin' th' dore an' say: "Whuffo', fine evenin', Barnabas. How pleasant."
    "Elizabeth, a joy as allus, an' as allus yo' look absolutely right purdy, " her English cousin said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Whut in tarnation is yo' doin' hyar?" Elizabeth said loudly.
    "Oh fella," Quentin said as he an' Julia gazed at one t'other, all his plans of an evenin' of baccareet wif Julia were dashed when he heard Mary Jane's voice.
     "ah swar, thet man has th' wo'st timin' in th' wo'ld! Fry mah hide! Whuffo' c'dn't he haf stayed home until t'morry when we c'd haf better prepared fo' this!" grumbled Julia.
     "Howdy Elizabeth. It's been a spell," right finely remarked Mary Jane.
     "Mary Jane! Fry mah hide! It kin't be! Yo' died in th' fire four years ago! Fry mah hide! How did yo' come t'be hyar wif Barnabas?"
     "In due time, Elizabeth. Is Abner in? ah do so be hankerin' t'see him agin."
     "I'll bet," Quentin remarked dryly. "ah bet she has a pow'ful burnin' desuhe t'see him agin."
     "Shh! Fry mah hide! We doesn't be hankerin' t'blow ennythin'. This hyar c'd wawk out fo' th' best. Roxanne, is yo' ready?" said Julia, while secretly prayin' fo' thin's t'go smoothly.
     "ah's ready, Julia," remarked Roxanne wif determinashun in her voice.
     "Cousin Barnabas, ah have some fine noos fo' yo'," said Quentin, a-comin' t'th' rexcue of th' still bewildered Elizabeth. "Someone else yo' knows has come t'viset us."
     "Howdy Barnabas," said Roxanne as she stepped into th' foyer. "ah had thunk thet ah w'dn't be able t'see yo' until t'morry on account o' Quentin an' Julia told me thet yo' were busy wif compenny of yer own, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah's glad t'knows thet ah was mistaken, as enny fool kin plainly see." Wif thet she went on over t'Barnabas an' inveloped him in a bar hug, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
     Now it was Barnabas' turn t'be stunned, cuss it all t' tarnation. This hyar was th' absolute last thin' he specked, cuss it all t' tarnation. He, like Julia had believed thet Roxanne had died in th' fire. Now t'discovah thet she was not only alive, but hyar! Fry mah hide! An' af'er he had done some pow'ful delicious thin's (in his opinion) wif Mary Jane! Fry mah hide! Life jest warn't fair, he thunk t'hisse'f.
     "Roxanne, ah thunk thet yo' were killed in th' fire at Collinwood? How did yo' git hyar?"
     "ah excaped th' fire af'er yo' an' Julia disappeared an' af'erwards ah came back t'see whut had happened t'yo' an' ah ended up bein' transpo'ted hyar by thet peekoolyar room, dawgone it."
     Th' happy reunion was interrrupped by a sharp clearin' of th' thoat next t'Barnabas.
     "Barnabas dear, yo' ain't intrydooced me t'yer friend yet," remarked an irritated Mary Jane.
     "So'ry. Mary Jane, this hyar is Roxanne Drew. We met etch other when ah traveled t'a pareellel time ban' a year ago."
     "Nice t'meet yo'," Roxanne said as she extened her han' out t'Mary Jane.
     Hesitantly, Mary Jane retched out an' shook th' proffered han'. "ah's Mary Jane Collins, Roger's wife."
     "Don't yo' mean, 'ex-wife?'" said a mighty irritated Cassan'ra at th' top of th' stairs. "ah's th' current Mrs. Roger Collins. Yo' fo'fitted yer right t'bein' Roger's wife long ago."
     "Great, jest whut we need, cuss it all t' tarnation. Cassan'ra an' Mary Jane gittin' into a houn'dog fight," Quentin whispered t'Julia.
     "This hyar might be fine. This hyar c'd git Cassan'ra t'he'p us git rid of her. She hated Mary Jane as much as yo' did, cuss it all t' tarnation." suggested Julia.
     "Good point," agreed Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
     "An' who is yo'?" axed an now angry Mary Jane.
     "I, mah dear Mary Jane, is Cassan'ra Collins. ah's hankerin' yo' t'unnerstan' now thet yer not welcome hyar in this hyar house. ah's hankerin' yo' t'leave right now."
     "ah will haf yo' knows thet ah will not be o'dered about by yo' o' ennyone hyar--"
     "An' ah will haf yo' knows thet ah knows jest whut yo' were plannin' t'do t'Abner durin' yer last 'visit' t'Collinwood, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah will not let thet happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. I've dealt wif varmints like yo' befo'e, an' ah will does so agin eff'n ah muss," Cassan'ra right finely replied, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Now kindly leave befo'e Roger gits hyar o' ah shall haf yo' thrown out."
     "ah believe Cassan'a is co'reck. ah reckon it is time fo' yo' t'leave. Yo've cuzd inough trouble hyar fo' one day," said Elizabeth as she opened th' dore. "Cousin Barnabas, may ah speak wif yo' fo' a moment in th' study?"
     "This hyar is not th' end of this, Cassan'ra Collins. Not by a long shot! Fry mah hide!" said Mary Jane as she quickly turned towards th' dore. "Barnabas, th' evenin' was fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah will speak t'yo' later." Wif thet, Mary Jane was gone.
     Barnabas, who had jest been stan'in' an' watchin' th' two wimmen exchange heated wo'ds, finally spoke. "Um, dawgone it...yes, Cousin Elizabeth. ah will join yo' sho'tly."
     Quentin, Julia an' Roxanne all glanced at etch other an' smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. It turns out thet fine old cranky Cassan'ra may be an ally af'er all, ah reckon.
     A sho't time later in th' cottage on th' estate, Mary Jane Collins sat in front of a roarin' fire holdin' an ancient Egyppian artifack shaped like a beetle.
    "Oh great Ra, yer hoomble servant seeks yer he'p in dealin' wif an inemah who'd stop me fum delivahin' upon mah promise t'yo'. Show me how t'defeat Cassan'ra Collins."
     Elizabeth was ennythin' but a dense woomin. She sar th' looks passin' between her cousins, Julia, Cassan'ra, an' th' peekoolyar yo'ng woomin fum th' Pareellel Time room, Roxanne. "W'd someone mind explainin' t'me jest whut is gwine on hyar?"
     "Nothin', other than th' fack thet a mighty unpleasant varmint has chosen to return t'Collinwood," Cassan'ra replied right finely. She looked at Barnabas. "She came in wif yo', dear cousin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Whut in tarnation is she doin' hyar?"
     "Wal," Barnabas said wif obvious discomfo't, "ah was walkin' on Widow's Hill, an' she jest appeared outta th' gloom, dawgone it." He felt disloyal, somehow, an' mighty cornfused an' to'n between his feelin's fo' Mary Jane an' his long-lost love, Roxanne.
     "Like so menny of our provahbial ghosts," Cassan'ra said wif cold asperity. "She is no ghost, though. She is mighty real, ah reckon. How did she git hyar?"
     "Thet's whut we is tryin' t'figger out," Julia answered, cuss it all t' tarnation. She looked at Elizabeth kindly. "W'd yo' mind excusin' us? This hyar is all so cornfusin' fo' yo', ah's sho'nuff…"
     "Excuse me, but ah do mind," Elizabeth interrupped sharply. "ah resent bein' lef' outta ev'rythin' as eff'n ah was some mindless idiot. This hyar is mah house. Ennythin' yo' discuss, yo' will discuss in front of me. We is a fambly, an' I am determined t'not only knows whut's gwine on but t'he'p mah fambly in ennyway ah can, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah suggess we all hoof it into th' drawin' room an' set down, as enny fool kin plainly see."
     Chastened, ev'ryone follered Elizabeth into th' drawin' room, dawgone it. Befo'e settlin' herse'f on th' couch, Barnabas caught Roxanne's han's in his. "I doesn't unnerstan' how this hyar is postible-Quentin told me he'd see yo' in the fire…"
     "ah's sho'nuff he did, mah love," Roxanne said sof'ly, notin' th' intent expresshun on Cassan'ra's face. "ah will explain it t'yo' in jest a moment." She looked t'Julia t'take th' lead, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Somehow Josette went into th' pareellel time room an' met Roxanne," Julia began, as enny fool kin plainly see. Elizabeth started at th' name. She knowed who Josette was, of course. Th' lejund of Josette's benevolent spirit watchin' on over th' fambly was no secret t'ennyone. "She knowed of Roxanne's psychic abilities an' was able to brin' her through t'our time so thet she c'd he'p us wif Mary Jane."
     "Excuse me," Cassan'ra interrupped, cuss it all t' tarnation. She didn't like t'be lef' outta ennythin' an' even mo'e, she didn't like not knowin' about a secret. "Jest whut is this hyar 'pareellel time room?'" Julia spent a few minutes brin' Cassan'ra up t'date on th' adventures in th' pareellel time room, leavin' out enny references t'Angelique o' Alexis. "ah see. Please corntinue." She looked direckly at Roxanne as she spoke.
     "When ah touched yer han', ah was able t'perceive menny thin's about yo'," Roxanne explained sof'ly. "Thet is mah gif'. Fo' example, ah c'd feel the love yo' haf fo' th' chile wifin yo'. ah c'd also feel th' fack thet thar is a true love yo' had fo' someone once thet yo' were willin' t'let hoof it of-fo' his sake."
     Cassan'ra's large blue eyes flashed fust wif suspicion an' then soffened at th' non-thrett upin' tone an' juntle manner in which Roxanne spoke. "Yer talented, cuss it all t' tarnation."
     "An' ah also knows thet yo' kin he'p us aginst Mary Jane on account o' yo' still care fo' yer old love-as a friend-an' also on account o' of yer corncern fo' yer step- son, Abner."
     "Thet is true," Cassan'ra agreed, lookin' at Barnabas.
     "Is Mary Jane back t'try an' reclaim Abner?" Elizabeth axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah's afraid so," Julia said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "An' wo'se-Barnabas, too."
     "Barnabas?" Elizabeth gasped, incredulously.
     "When ah touched Mary Jane's han'-in thet mighty brief moment-ah was able t'deteck thet this hyar is her last chance t'appease her god, cuss it all t' tarnation. She has failed three times now in her misshun t'sacrifice herse'f an' her chillun t'Ra," Roxanne explained, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Ra?" Elizabeth axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. This hyar time, Quentin explained about Ra an' phoenixes. He thunk t'hisse'f thet thin's'd progress so much mo'e quickly wifout Elizabeth's presence, but he also knowed thet it was only fair t'include his cousin so thet she knowed th' whole truth. "How kin she be hyar now eff'n yo' say thet phoenixes rise once durin' a century?"
     Quentin an' Julia looked at Barnabas, who looked away, clearly uncomfy wif th' entire topic of cornvahsashun.
     "She was drawn back by th' pure, innercent love thet only a chile kin feel fo' a someone," Roxanne answered sof'ly. She, too, looked at Barnabas, an' her eyes were filled wif compasshun an' unnerstan'in'.
     "Thet's obscene!" Elizabeth exclaimed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Dexcribin' Mary Jane as obscene is puttin' it in mild terms," Quentin said dryly.
     "At enny rate," Roxanne corntinued, "her purpose is t'carry t'other chile, Barnabas, an' Abner back wif her t'Ra."
     "T'other chile?" Cassan'ra axed, puttin' her han' on over her abdomen in alarm, dawgone it.
     "Notcher chile, Cassan'ra," Julia reassured her. "Hers."
     "She is pregnant?"
     "Not yet-but th' oppo'tunity is thar fo' her t'become pregnant, an' so we have a limited amount of time t'wawk in send her back t'th' place she came fum," Roxanne answered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "Oh! Fry mah hide!" Barnabas groaned, in obvious pain an' distress. He heard th' truth of whut ev'ryone was sayin' an' yet, now thet he had joined wif Mary Jane, foun' hisse'f unable t'harden his heart aginst her.
     "Barnabas," Julia said soothin'ly. "We is yer friends an' yer fambly. Please trest us an' knows thet we will does whutevah we need t'in o'der to proteck yo' an' Abner."
     "ah know! Fry mah hide! ah know! Fry mah hide!" Barnabas covahed his face wif his han's.
     Elizabeth got up an' put her arm aroun' Barnabas. She didn't pow'ful unnerstan' th' reason fo' his pain but wanted t'comfo't him, dawgone it. "Whut in tarnation is it, Barnabas?"
     "ah knowed her-befo'e…" Barnabas began t'confess an' then halted, realizin' the can of wo'ms he might be openin' up.
     Quentin stepped in swif'ly t'covah. "Yo' met h er in Englan'-befo'e she met an' married up wif Roger, ain't thet right, Barnabas?"
     Barnabas looked at his cousin gratefully an' nodded slightly.
     "Kin we trest yo' not t'tell Mary Jane about all this, Barnabas?" Julia axed, troubled, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah doesn't know, Julia," he replied truthfully.
     "Barnabas!"
     "ah's so'ry, Elizabeth. Mah feelin's fo' Mary Jane is complex-an' they are ovahpowerin'."
     "Then perhaps yo' sh'd leave us," Cassan'ra said coldly.
     "Ummm…ah doesn't reckon he sh'd be alone," Quentin objecked, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah have an idea," Elizabeth suggested, cuss it all t' tarnation. "ah only wanted t'knows whut was gwine on so thet ah c'd he'p. ah doesn't feel ah have th' expertise o' th' smarts thet yo' all have. Perhaps ah can he'p by distrackin' Barnabas while th' rest of yo' talk. Shet mah mouth! W'd yo' mind, Barnabas?"
     "ah suppose not-ah have no choice. Eff'n ah stay hyar, ah may betray yo' all," Barnabas said wif despair.
     "It's all right," Elizabeth soothed, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Come t'th' study wif me. It'd he'p eff'n yo' talked about it, ah's sho'nuff."
     Watchin' them go, Quentin was not so sho'nuff. He leaned on over an' whispered into Barnabas' ear, "Be careful how much yo' tell her." He thunk he sar Barnabas give a bare nod of his haid.
     Af'er his cousins lef' th' room, Quentin shet an' locked th' drawin' room dores. He came back an' sat down acrost fum Julia, Cassan'ra, an' Roxanne. Rubbin' his han's togither, he looked at Roxanne an' axed, "Whut in tarnation does yo' reckon we sh'd does now?"
     Roxanne foun' them all lookin' at her, an' she felt momentarily thrown off balance. She warn't used t'be th' leader, an' she felt mighty uncomfy. Then she thunk of Barnabas. This hyar is fo' mah love, she thunk. I've gotta he'p him…
     Suddenly, Cassan'ra doubled on over, gaspin' in pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. Julia was eemeejutly at her side. "Whut in tarnation is it? Whut in tarnation's wrong?"
     Cassan'ra had blanched, tears streamin' fum her eyes. "Mah baby! Fry mah hide!" she gasped out in terro'. "She's-she's doin' sumpin to-to-mah baby! Fry mah hide! Ohhh! Fry mah hide!" She screamed an' fell back aginst Julia. "He'p me! Don't let her take mah baby! Fry mah hide!"
     Julia looked up an' met th' ho'rified eyes of Quentin an' Roxanne. "Quentin- mah bag! Fry mah hide! Git it! Fry mah hide!" she barked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Quentin leaped fo' th' dores, fumblin' at the lock. Shet mah mouth! He finally got it open, to'e th' dores open an' bolted up th' stairs. Julia was tryin' t'sooth' Cassan'ra an', at th' same time, was tryin' to determine exackly whut was gwine on, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Whut in tarnation does th' pain feel like Cassan'ra?"
     "Like sevahe crampin' pain! Fry mah hide!" Cassan'ra gasped, cuss it all t' tarnation. "It's as eff'n th' baby is bein' to'n fum me! Julia-it's too early! Fry mah hide! It kin't happen now! Fry mah hide! Please, please he'p me!"
     Julia stroked Cassan'ra's hair an' looked up at Roxanne in mute appeal, ah reckon.
     Barnabas was shocked at seein' Roxanne. He had thunk her daid. She is back, Barnabas thunk t'hisse'f. An' th' truly sad thin' is I wished she'd hoof it back t'whar she came fum. ah only be hankerin' Mary Jane. I have loved her on account o' a fella, an' now ah knows it was only her ah loved, cuss it all t' tarnation. I need t'go an' be wif her, but fust ah have t'do sumpin about Elizabeth. This hyar will be easy inough, Barnabas thunk wif a twingi of guilt pervadin' his cornscious, but his desuhe fo' Mary Jane was too strong to lissen t'ennythin' other than th' call of her blood fo' him, dawgone it.
     "Barnabas, ah have t'tell yo', Roger is a-gonna be mighty upset at this sudden appeareence of Mary Jane," Elizabeth said lookin' at her cousin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
     "Elizabeth, look at me," Barnabas said in a mighty deep sof' hypnotic tone.
     "Barnabas" -- Elizabeth said, an' she felt herse'f drawn into Barnabas' eyes, an' she c'd not pull away. His voice was comman'in' her t'do sumpin, an' she wanted t'-- t'please him, dawgone it.
     Satisfied thet Elizabeth was asleep an''d remember nothin', Barnabas vanished, cuss it all t' tarnation. He haided toward th' cottage whar he knowed Mary Jane'd be. In hoomin fo'm, he stood at th' dore, an' knocked, knowin' it was unnecesarry, he c'd Mary Jane's need fo' him, dawgone it. Figgerin' about her, he was aroused agin.
     Inside Mary Jane had been waitin', reckonin' about th' info'mashun her god Ra had told her af'er she had told him about Barnabas bein' a vampire. It was mighty haidy info'mashun, an' info'mashun she planned t'use t'carry out her plan t'rein wif Ra, only Barnabas'd be by her side. The right purdy poem of love thet he had writ t'her as a fella had been the means t'brin' her back, an' into th' arms of th' man she loved as much as he loved her.
     Acco'din' t'Ra th' unnatural fire of th' Phoenix'd warm th' cold unnatural blood of th' vampire t'th' degree thet his metabolism'd be thet of a hoomin male at th' climax of their lovemakin', tharby creatin' th' way fo' her t'have Barnabas' chile. It was th' only way Ra had explained t'her, an' had nevah been done befo'e. It'd be a mighty coveted prize fo' a Phoenix t'do sech a feat. Wal, she was gwine to does it. She needed Abner too, of course, but it warn't as urjunt as it had been befo'e when she was hyar. Oh dear god, t'run into thet se'f-rightous Elizabeth'd haf been amoosin' had it not been fo' - whut she callin' herse'f these days -- Cassan'ra, an' Roger's wife!
     Her thunks were interrupped by th' knockin' on th' dore. Mary Jane walked to th' dore, knowin' it'd be Barnabas, had on a see-through silky gown, as enny fool kin plainly see. Openin' th' dore, Barnabas grabbed her, an' crushed her t'him, his fangs had dexcended, Mary Jane turned her neck t'him, as he plunged his fangs into her vein, tastin' th' hot vital blood thet seemed t'satisfy him as none other. Tastin' her desuhe, an' her need fr him, she disengaged his fangs, as she was pullin' an' tuggin' at his clo'es, the cane had been discarded on intry, th' cape was lyin' in th' flore, she was touchin' him, an' strokin', he was not a-gonna wait enny longer.
     Rippin' her gown away fum her, he took a moment t'admire her, she was right purdy. So inticin'. He took her down t'th' flore an' intered her roughly, but she did not seem t'mind, it only seemed t'increase her furo' an' need fo' him, dawgone it. He knowed he was at th' finish, on account o' he had started t'feel warm as befo'e. He nevah quesshuned it, on account o' he knowed she was supernatural, ah reckon. Plungin' his fangs into her once agin at the climax, he tasted her hot blood, an' this hyar time it was love fo' him coupled wif desuhe an' need, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     "ah WANT ROGER! Fry mah hide! An' ah WANT HIM NOW! Fry mah hide!" a mighty distressed Cassan'ra Colllins was screamin'. It was mighty obvious t'Julia she was in pain, but it was not labo', she had dedooced thet by th' stren'th an' abno'mality of th' timin' of th' contrackshuns. She, of course,'d do a mo'e tho'ough examinashun later. Julia'd haf laughed at this tough-as-nails woomin she knowed as a witch, an' who'd haf stopped at nothin' t'have Barnabas. Now, it was Roger she was screamin' fo'.
     Funny, Julia thunk, as much as ah love Barnabas, ah's not in love of him enny mo'e eifer, lookin' at Quentin wif thet thunk.
     "Quentin, whuffo' doesn't yo' hoof it git Barnabas an' Elizabeth. Whar did Roger go ennyway?" Julia axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "He went t'find some ice cream an' some other weird corncockshun t'go wif it. It was sumpin Spanish, yo' know, not foun' aroun' hyar mighty easily, "Quentin answered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
     Af'er Quentin lef' th' room, Cassan'ra looked at Julia an' axed her eff'n th' baby was okay, when t'other pain hit.
     "ROGER COLLINS, WHERE ARE YOU! Fry mah hide!" Cassan'ra screamed agin.
     "JULIA! Fry mah hide! Come quickly! Fry mah hide!" Quentin yelled fum th' study.
     Julia lef' th' screamin' Cassan'ra in th' drawin' room an' quickly scooted into th' study t'join Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Whut in tarnation is it?" Julia gasped as she sar th' unconscious Elizabeth on th' flore. "He muss haf gone t'her agin. Whut in tarnation can we do?"
     "ah reckon Cassan'ra kin he'p us wif thet one," suggested Roxanne.
     "Whut in tarnation does yo' mean, she kin he'p us? Cassan'ra is in no shape t'be fightin' Mary Jane," said Julia.
     "On th' contrary, she is in th' puffick corndishun t'fight Mary Jane. Her instincks is up an' right now she will channel her anger outwards at enny available targit. We shall make Mary Jane th' targit," Roxanne calmly suggested, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Thar is a strong postibility thet Mary Jane will try t'become pregnant tonight, now thet she knows thet we is on t'her scheme. Eff'n we c'd somehow git Mary Jane t'make Barnabas permanently hoomin instead of tempo'arily an' make her believe thet she is pow'ful winnin' aginst us..."
     "ah reckon ah see whar yer gwine wif this. Eff'n Mary Jane reckons she is winnin', she will let her guard down, an' then it will be easier t'defeat her," said Quentin wif a huge grin spreadin' acrost his face.
     "ROGER! Fry mah hide! DAMMIT WHERE ARE YOU! Fry mah hide!"
     "ah reckon it is time we implemented our plan," Julia suggested t' Quentin an' Roxanne.
     Af'er fillin' in Cassan'ra, who was all too happy t'he'p, th' lights were dimmed in th' drawin' room as Operashun Phoenix, as it was called, was officially unnerway.
     "We shall use Mary Jane's own magic aginst her. She will not knows it is me who is makin' suggesshuns t'her tonight. She will reckon thet it is Ra an' she will quickly obey. Her own beliefs shall be her downfall, ah reckon. Brin' me a kindle," comman'ed Cassan'ra.
     Af'er th' can'le had been retrieved an' lit, it was time t'begin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
     "Powers of Darkness, heed th' call of one who has sarved yo' faiffully in th' past. ah require yer services agin. Thar is one who thrett ups t' destroy th' peace at Collinwood an' them who live thar. She muss be dealt wif. ah call upon yo' t'carry mah message t'Mary Jane Collins through th' fires of Amman Ra. ah comman' yo' t'let me speak as Amman Ra! Fry mah hide!"
     Meanwhile at th' cottage, Barnabas was now nearly frannic wif need as Mary Jane was rubbin' an' strokin' him in all th' right places. It was nearly too much but not inough in his opinion, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mary Jane had somehow talked him into takin' th' lead an' she was doin' thin's t'him thet he had only fantasized about befo'e.
     Mary Jane c'd feel thet Barnabas was nearin' th' point of no return, as enny fool kin plainly see. He cried out in desperashun, "Mary Jane, please. . .please. . ."
     Wif thet, Mary Jane drew him deep wif her hide an' began t'move. She knowed it'dn't be long befo'e she lost corntrol, ah reckon. Makin' love t'Barnabas was mo'e than she thunk it'd be. She hungered fo' his sweet caresses, th' bliss she felt when he bit her, th' release of all th' loneliness years of isolashun in th' fire had brought her.
     Soon, th' fires began t'grow wifin Mary Jane, but they were hotter an' mo'e intense than no'mal, ah reckon. Mary Jane felt her intire hide bein' ingu'fed by th' white-hot flames. A voice, one thet she was all too familiar wif, began t' speak t'her.
     "Servant Mary Jane! Fry mah hide! It is I, Amman Ra, Prince of Light an' Radiance, creato' of thin's which came into bein' when th' Earth was fo'med in th' beginnin', bright flame of fire, mighty in splendo'.
     "ah comman' thet yo' feed Barnabas Collins all of th' fire. Yo' muss turn him into a completely no'mal hoomin male. Barnabas Collins represents too great of danger t'th' plan in his current state. Do mah biddin' o' th' fire which cornsooms yo' will be hel'fire an' not th' pure fires of Ra! Fry mah hide!"
     Mary Jane knowed not t'argue wif Ra when he gave o'ders, especially when she warn't sittin' in front of a fire t'receive them, dawgone it. Wif thet Mary Jane began t'feed th' fires of th' Phoenix t'Barnabas.
     This hyar proved t'be too much fo' Barnabas t'stan'. Wif a cry of pain an' passhun he sploded, a-comin' harder an' longer than enny o'gasm he c'd remember. He called out her name on over an' on over as th' fire cornsoomd him, dawgone it. He was burnin' an' meltin' in Mary Jane's arms as wave af'er wave of fire seared through his hide fo' whut seemed like eternity befo'e finally passin' out.
    Back at Collinwood, Cassan'ra Collins sat in front of th' flame of th' can'le. "It is done. Mary Jane will change Barnabas back tonight. She will even reckon she has won, as enny fool kin plainly see. Now is th' time fo' us t'ack. An' this hyar time…"
     "This hyar time, she will fail," said Roxanne wif a daidly serious look in her eyes.
     Mary Jane an' Barnabas lay togither, still intwined fum th' passhuns of their lovemakin'. Yessuh, this hyar is whuffo' they call it th' “li'l death” Mary Jane thunk wif deep satisfackshun as she held Barnabas tightly in her arms, strokin' his hair. She was surprised an' then pleased t'feel th' perspirashun in his hair—so it had wawked! Fry mah hide! He was hoomin agin! Fry mah hide! Finally, Barnabas roused hisse'f 'nuff t'kiss her on th' lips, sayin' tennerly, “Mary Jane, mah love.” She wasn’t sure eff'n he reckanized yet whut had happened t'him, dawgone it.
     Her lips curved in a greedy smile. She knowed whut had happened t'her; knowed it wifout a shadow of a doubt. His seed had already joined wif her an' soon, a baby'd grow—a one-of-a-kind chile who'd haf eno'mous power an' brin' great s tren'th an' pride t'his parents. Yessuh—she knowed she was carryin' a fella, a coveted male chile. “Mah love, whut haf yo' done? ah's changed! Fry mah hide!” Barnabas whispered t'her. Oh, so now he begins t'reckanize, she thunk, wif some corntempp toward him, dawgone it. The impo'tant part he had t'play was on over now an' while he'd haf an impo'tant role in their future, it was not quite as “necessary” t'please him an' pet him, dawgone it.
     “But of course!” she answered, in a liltin' tone. “Didn’t yo' reckon ah had th' power, mah love, granted by our god, Amman Ra?”
     Barnabas looked at her wif wonner. Th' feelin' of bein' hoomin agin ovahwhelmed him, dawgone it. So menny feelin's—he didn’t reckon he c'd stan' it! Fry mah hide! Thar were definite advantages t'bein' a vampire—th' power an' influence he was able t'exert on varmints especially. Thet had been th' hardess thin' t'git used t'when he’d been hoomin befo'e—havin' t'give up th' powers an' inhanced senses he had as a vampire. Yet, t'be flesh an' blood agin, t'be able t'unite wif Mary Jane agin an' agin as he pleased….
    “IN MY NAME, LAURA COLLINS, WHAT FOLLY HAVE YOU COMMITTED?” Th' angry roar seared their minds like a blast of heat, burnin' unbarably into their minds an' souls.
    Barnabas was momentarily pareelyzed: he had no idea whut was attackin' them, dawgone it.
    Mary Jane did, howevah, an' she was frightened, cuss it all t' tarnation. She pushed Barnabas away fum her an' raised herse'f up on her knees. “Oh, Master, Amman Ra, ah have done thet which yo' haf axed! Fry mah hide! ah don’t unnerstan', oh Prince of Light an' Radiance! ah now carry th' chile of Barnabas Collins. How haf ah offended thee?”
    “FOOL! Fry mah hide! FOOLISH SERVANT—HAVE YOU NO IDEA THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRICKED BY THE WITCH, ANGELIQUE? YOU HAVE BEEN BESTED AGAIN! Fry mah hide!”
    Mary Jane was ho'rified, cuss it all t' tarnation. “No, mah Master, it kinnot be!” Th' homely truth was beginnin' t'dawn on her.
    “Whut in tarnation is it, Mary Jane?” Barnabas axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was ready t'defend her t'the death, eff'n necessary. “Whut in tarnation is gwine on? Whut in tarnation threat is this?”
    To his cornsternashun, she snapped: “Hush! Fry mah hide! Be still! Fry mah hide! ah muss speak wif mah Master! Fry mah hide!” Agin she addressed th' outraged Fire God: “Oh, Amman Ra, it was yer voice ah heard…”
    “AND ah SAY TO YOU, GULLIBLE BEAUTY, THAT IT WAS ANGELIQUE YOU HEARD—NOT I! Fry mah hide! DO YOU NOT REMEMBER, WE HAD DISCUSSED WHAT YOU WERE TO DO! Fry mah hide! YOU HAVE FAILED AGAIN, LAURA COLLINS! Fry mah hide! WERE YOU NOT ONE OF MY BELOVEDS, ah NEVER WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU EVEN A THIRD CHANCE…”
     “Master, Master, please haf pity on me, a foolish unwo'thy who sh'd not even line th' bottom of yer urn! Fry mah hide! Master, ah beg yo', ah will purify whut I have made foul by mah erro' in judgement! Fry mah hide! ah swears it! Fry mah hide! ah already carry the chile—Barnabas’ seed is wifin me, an' ah already haf felt th' cells join! Fry mah hide! Master, ah beg yo'! Fry mah hide!”
    Th' roar became mo'e muted, cuss it all t' tarnation. “Yo' muss ack quickly, mah beloved chile, befo'e it is too late. Already yer lovah has flown in terro'.”
    ah will git him back, this hyar ah swar, Mary Jane promised, her han's clasped in prayer. She knowed she'd be able t'draw Barnabas back. Shet mah mouth! He'dn’t even mind th' curse agin—not when she explained th' power th' two of them'd wield, an' th' power of th' yet unborn an' raised chile. Thet chile carried th' bess of their combined junes: hoomin, phoenix, an' vampire. They'd be a power unvanquished, cuss it all t' tarnation. An' once ah git Barnabas back, ah will deal wif them all, one by one, beginnin' wif thet cursed Cassan'ra! Fry mah hide! Yessuh, an' Julia an' Quentin an' thet disgestin'ly sweet pasty li'l gal-chile, Roxanne! They will all answer t'me!
    Distraught an' cornfused, Barnabas plunged through th' woods back toward Collinwood, cuss it all t' tarnation. It had been a long time on account o' he was hoomin, an' he thunk he w'd hoof it mad wif th' emoshuns thet thrett uped t'tear his mind apart. Love fo' Mary Jane, betrayal by her, gratitude thet she’d made him hoomin mixed wif resentment fo' it—an' now she was pregnant wif his chile, but still answered to th' vo'aciously greedy devourer of chillun, Amman-Ra! Fry mah hide! His instinck was to combine wif his friends t'destroy Mary Jane but—she was t'be th' Mammy of his chile! Fry mah hide! No, somehow, he muss save her! Fry mah hide! He stopped whar he was, distraught, an' cried out in agony.
    “Barnabas? Barnabas? Whar is yo'?” Quentin called, nearby.
     He almost didn’t answer. Finally, he called back, “Here.” He stood whar he was; his knees felt suddenly weak an' he leaned aginst a tree. He c'd hear Quentin a-comin' through th' brush, an' then his cousin was beside him, suppo'tin' him on one side.
    “Whut in tarnation happened?” Quentin axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. “Whut in tarnation’s wrong?” Barnabas was too stunned to speak. Shet mah mouth! Slowly, a look of astonishment spread acrost Quentin’s face. “Yo'’re burnin' up, Barnabas! Yo'’re warm, an' yo'’re sweatin'! Fry mah hide!”
    His breathin' bea-comin' somewhut labo'ed fum th' stress of ev'rythin' thet had happened, Barnabas finally managed t'say, “Yessuh, Quentin—ah's hoomin agin. Mary Jane did thet fo' me.”
    Although he’d reckanized thet was part of th' plan, Quentin, evah th' doubtin' Thomas, hadn’t been sho'nuff Mary Jane c'd does it. He stared at Barnabas, wide-eyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. “It wasn’t aimed t'happen thet way,” he explained rapidly, unmindful of th' fack he was further shockin' an' upsettin' his cousin, as enny fool kin plainly see. “Yo' see, Cassan'ra went t'Mary Jane an' made her believe thet she was Ra, an' she comman'ed her t'make yo' hoomin so thet yo' c'd cornsummate—uh…” he busted off, embarrassed, cuss it all t' tarnation. “Mary Jane herse'f nevah aimed t'do thet. It was Cassan'ra’s idea—yo' haf her t'thank. Shet mah mouth!”
    “Thank?” Barnabas axed bitterly. “An' does yo' all believe yo' haf done me sech a great favo', then? Saved me fum Mary Jane?” As th' anger he felt cuzd adrenaline t'begin pumpin' through his hide, he felt his stren'th returnin'. This hyar was not his super-hoomin vampiric stren'th; howevah, he grabbed Quentin fo'cefully by th' arms an' pushed him roughly aginst th' tree. “An' jest whar is all th' ress of mah friends right now, mah dear cousin? ah sh'd like to give them th' fine noos—noos thet might not haf been eff'n Cassan'ra had not done whut she did! Fry mah hide!” He paused t'let th' full effeck of his wo'ds sink in, as enny fool kin plainly see. He still had th' power t'intimidate, an' th' intense fierce glow in his eyes frightened Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. “Mary Jane is pregnant—wif mah chile! Fry mah hide! ah will not aller ennyone t'destroy her! Fry mah hide!”
    "Barnabas, whut is yo' talkin' about?" Quentin axed cautiously, almost afraid of th' answer he'd receive.
    "Barnabas. Barnabas!" Mary Jane called in a sobbin' voice.
    Quentin sar it, Barnabas was lost agin t'Mary Jane's fiery love. Oh he knowed only too fine how easy thet was. He had even betrayed his own brother unner th' same roof wif thet demon, as enny fool kin plainly see. An' he had thunk thet they were rid of her, Quentin thunk sardonically, while watchin' the scene in front of him play out as eff'n watchin' a movie scene in slow moshun.
    Barnabas opened his arms t'Mary Jane, an' she scooted to him sobbin', apologizin', beggin' his fo'giveness. On her knees clutchin' Barnabas' legs, Barnabas' cape covahed her as he bent down t'touch her, t'brin' her up, an' he heard Barnabas fo'give her, tell her it was okay. He unnerstood, an' yessuh, he still loved her as no other, not even Josette. Then Quentin watched as th' peekoolyarst most bizarre event thet he had evah witness take place, upon fo'givin' Mary Jane, Barnabas' changed to gold, then red, an' he sar Barnabas' fangs dexcend an' plunge into Mary Jane's carotid artery. Mary Jane was makin' soun's of desuhe, an' moanin' wif pleasure. He watched as she clutched at his back. Shet mah mouth! Quentin felt like a voyeur, but c'dn't stop lookin'.
    Quentin heard th' rusltin' of th' trees, an' somebody walkin'. He stood still, hopin' it warn't a peekoolyarr o' wo'se yet Roger. He didn't want to be hyar eff'n thet happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. He sar it was Julia, an' was relieved, cuss it all t' tarnation. Julia got thar jest in time t'see Barnabas disengagin' his fangs an' th' blood fum th' fiery Phoenix taken by th' fo'bidden love of the vampire. She was ho'rified, an' was speechless. They both jumped at th' soun' of thunner. They both stood as outsiders watchin' a play, as Barnabas scooped Mary Jane up in his pow'ful arms, an' looked at them, an' to them he appeared t'be 20 feet tall, ah reckon. Th' houn'dogs had started howlin', now he wind was blowin', lightenin' was streakin' acrost th' hevvins, th' waves c'd be heard poun'in' th' rocks below Widow's Hill, on account o' thass whar they were. Wif a last glance Barnabas took t'th' air wif Mary Jane in his arms.
    Oh mah god, Quentin, whut is we a-gonna does now?" Julia axed Quentin when Barnabas an' Mary Jane were gone. All they had heard was a whoosh, an' wif no warnin' Barnabas an' Mary Jane had disappeard, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "ah honestly doesn't know. Julia Barnabas was hoomin when ah fust foun' him har. He was in terrible shape. Then he got angry, an' told me thet Mary Jane was pregnant wif his chile, an' he'dn't leave her. Then when he fo'gave Mary Jane, he turned back. Shet mah mouth! ah watched it, Julia. ah have nevah see ennythin' like thet in mah life. ah's hyar t'tell yo', ah doesn't like gittin' Barnabas mad as a weasel in a blender when he's hoomin, but whut we sar jest now leaves me feelin' rather pessimistic. ah have nevah had Barnabas angry at me like thet befo'e, Julia. He's scary," Quentin said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Wal, ah have had him angry at me, an' trest me it is sumpin yo' do not be hankerin' t'go through," Julia said t'Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    "Julia, less hoof it back, it's pourin' down rain now, an' we might as fine go back wif th' fine noos. Who's a-gonna tell them yo' o' me" Quentin axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Arrivin' at th' Old House, Barnabas went through th' double dores wif Mary Jane, an' put her on th' divan, as enny fool kin plainly see. He had weakened her quite a bit. She was his. It'd be his name she'd call fo' when he made love to her. It'd be his face she'd see in her daytime fantasies while waitin' fo' him, dawgone it. He tasted it in her blood, her allegiance was t'him, not her god Ra.
    "Barnabas, whut is this hyar all about?" Willie axed a-comin' outta th' back of th' house.
    "This hyar is Mary Jane, Willie. Yo' knows thet," Barnabas answered him, dawgone it.
    " Whut in tarnation is she doin' hyar? She looks awfully weak. Shet mah mouth!" Willie said as he noticed th' fang marks on her throat.
    "She is weak, Willie." Barnabas said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Is she a-gonna stay her o' does yer hankerin' me take her back t'the cottage, it's almost sunrise," Willie said, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Yessuh, Willie, she is a-gonna stay hyar wif me." Barnabas said coldly, as he walked on over t'Mary Jane an' picked her up, an' took her downstairs wif him, dawgone it.
    Willie stared in cornfushun at th' vanishin' Barnabas an' Mary Jane. "This hyar night is gittin' peekoolyarr an' peekoolyarr," he offered t'th' air. Willie corntemplated th' events of th' last few hours. Fust, Barnabas leaves in a peekoolyar mood, then comes back an' raises th' roof wif his lovemakin' wif thet Mary Jane woomin, then leaves, an' then comes back an' takes her t'his coffin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Barnabas was capable of a lot of thin's, but this hyar was a lot, even fo' him, dawgone it. Willie decided thet it might be in his bess interests t'go t'Collinwood an' see jest whut was gwine on so he'd haf time t'prepare.
    Back at Collinwood, a stunned Quentin an' Julia tried t'explain thin's t'Cassan'ra an' Roxanne. Both were shocked at th' evenin''s events, t'put it mildly. Cassan'ra then told Roger t'go t'Boston an' fetch her some cream pies, baked beans an' ennythin' else thet she c'd reckon of thet had "Boston" in th' name, an' this hyar time sent Abner an' Maggie t'he'p him, dawgone it. Cassan'ra was good and pleased thet it'd take Roger at least two days t'complete his assigned taxs, in which time she c'd cornsider th' Mary Jane quesshun.
    "We muss ack quickly. ah had hoped thet Mary Jane'd not revahse th' process, which made Barnabas hoomin, but unfo'tunately she has. Howevah, ah believe we kin safely say thet Ra is upset wif her. This hyar can be used aginst her."
    "Cassan'ra, we've been on over this hyar fo' th' past hour. How kin we use this hyar to our advantage? It seems t'me thet Mary Jane is winnin'! Fry mah hide!" said a frestrated Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    "Quentin, calm down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah specked sumpin like this hyar might happen so ah's not unprepared, cuss it all t' tarnation. We is a-gonna destroy Mary Jane tonight," Cassan'ra calmly replied, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "How, pray tell, t'yo' aim t'do thet? ah knows yo' knows thet Barnabas will nevah fo'give yo' eff'n he foun' out thet yo' killed his chile. He'd hate yo' fo'evah eff'n yo' did a thin' like thet."
     "Th' chile shall be unharmed, cuss it all t' tarnation. It is Mary Jane who will die."
    "ah still doesn't unnerstan'," said Julia.
    "Neifer does I," said Roxanne. "How does yo' plan t'separeete them wifout killin' th' chile? Is thet postible?"
    "Fo' someone sech as mahse'f, it is not. Yo' see ah will not be alone in this hyar tax. ah shall haf assistance. Mah chile shall lend its power t'me t'save one, which will become its future playmate," replied Cassan'ra as she sat befo'e th' fireplace. "An' Mary Jane will also he'p me."
    "Have yo' lost yer mind?! Fry mah hide! On account o' when has Mary Jane been in th' habit of willin'ly givin' up her chillun t'someone other than Ra? An' whar will th' chile be stayin' at af'er it has lef' Mary Jane, th' Collinspo't Inn?" yelled Quentin as he began t'pace th' room agin.
    "ah shall carry th' chile," said Roxanne.
    Th' convahsashun was interrupped at this hyar point by th' appeareence of a visito' at Collinwood, cuss it all t' tarnation. Willie Loomis had arrived an' told ev'ryone jest whut had happened at th' Old House jest prio' t'dawn, as enny fool kin plainly see. He was a li'l shocked at th' sight of Roxanne, but calmed down af'er a quick explanashun of her appeareence.
    "So, Mary Jane is mighty weak. Shet mah mouth! An' yo' say Barnabas took her t'his coffin?" axed Julia.
    "Yeah. Barnabas said thet she was gonna stay wif him an' then jest carried her away. It didn't look like she c'd take much mo'e wifout dyin'. Whut in tarnation is we gonna do? It's inough t'deal wif one vampire at th' Old House. ah doesn't be hankerin' t'have t'deal wif two," said a now wawked up Willie.
    "No' shall yo' hafta, Willie," said Cassan'ra. "Mary Jane's god, a bein' called Amman Ra is mighty upset wif her. Eff'n she allers herse'f t'die of her own free will on account o' of her love fo' Barnabas, Ra will kill her. He will decide thet th' risks outweigh th' rewards thet sech a chile'd haf prodooced, cuss it all t' tarnation. When Ra comes t'destroy Mary Jane, we shall make our move t'remove th' chile fum her. Eff'n she truly loves Barnabas, she will agree t'our proposal, ah reckon. Thar is one risk, though. Barnabas will hafta be removed fum th' situashun o' thin's c'd git homely. He will try t'proteck her fum Ra, which is dangerous.
    "Durin' her last appeareence t'us yessuhterday, Josette's ghost gave a note t'Roxanne. Besides explainin' whut was gwine on, th' note diagrammed a method of sedatin' vampires."
    "ah see," said Julia wif unnerstan'in'. "Thet way he kin be spared th' final outcome."
    "Thet may be fine an' dan'y fo' yo' but whut about me? ah live thar. ah doesn't be hankerin' t'have t'deal wif some lovesick vampire fo' who knows how long! Fry mah hide!"
    "Thet is a risk we will hafta take. Th' mos' trimenjus risk is thet th' note says thet th' sedative might haf some unfo'esee effeck on Barnabas thet we may hafta watch out fo'. Eff'n only Mary Jane hadn't turned Barnabas into a vampire this hyar w'd be a lot simpler. Is yo' wif us Willie?" Unbeknownst t'th' group gathard in th' drawin' room, Elizabeth Collins Stoddard had come down th' stairs an' had been lissenin' in on th' entire cornvahsashun af'er Willie's arrival, ah reckon. She had been in shock at th' info'mashun she had larned about th' varmints involved in this hyar peekoolyar turn of events. It was almost like a nightmare, 'cept thet this hyar was reality. Liz wonnered jest how ev'ryone came t'knows all of whut they did an' jest how did one hoof it about turnin' someone into a vampire? She was shocked fum her revahie by Willie's response.
    "Yeah, ah's in it. Eff'n this hyar will he'p Barnabas, then ah will he'p."
    "An' so will I," said Elizabeth as she intered th' drawin' room, dawgone it. "Eff'n Mary Jane has done th' thin's yo' say she has, ah's hankerin' t'do ev'rythin' in mah power t'he'p git her outta hyar an' save Cousin Barnabas."
    Ev'ryone was stunned t'silence.
    "Whuffo' is yo' all jest stan'in' thar?" Elizabeth deman'ed, steppin' further into th' room, dawgone it. "Sh'dn't we be discussin' whut we is to do?" They all corntinued t'stare fust at her, then at etch other in cornfushun, lookin' fo' a spokesvarmint. All eyes eventually settled on Julia. Even Elizabeth looked at her finally, axin' in challenge: "Don't yo' trest me?"
    Julia recovahed quickly. "Of course we does, Elizabeth. Please, set down, as enny fool kin plainly see."
    Elizabeth sat down between Quentin an' Roxanne, smilin' at all of them, dawgone it. Ev'ryone still seemed uncomfy, so she said in a mighty dignified manner, "ah knows mo'e than yo' reckon. ah's so'ry yo' ain't trested me inough to confide in me, but ah do care fo' yo' all an' ah's hankerin' t'do whutevah ah can, as enny fool kin plainly see."
    "It's not thet we didn't trest yo'," Julia began, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    "It's jest thet we didn't be hankerin' t'wo'ry yo'," Quentin put in, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    "Ju all reckon thet ah's so fragile? Af'er all thass happened?" Elizabeth axed mildly, a smile on her face. "Let me begin then, as enny fool kin plainly see. Perhaps I w'd be th' bess one t'distrack cousin Barnabas an' slip him the, how is it phrased? mickey? By th' way, whut kind of sedative'd it be?"
    Thet finally busted th' ice. They all put their haids togither an' fo'mulated a plan, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    Willie waited nervously fo' Barnabas t'rise. As soon as he heard the familiar step on th' stairs, he tried t'control his tremblin' an' wiped his sweaty han's on his pants. Af'er ev'rythin' they'd been through, he still feared Barnabas not a li'l when he was in th' vampire state. He'd been ackin' so peekoolyarly, too...As Barnabas came down th' hall, Willie cleared his throat.
    "Yessuh, Willie?" came th' sono'ous voice fum th' darkness of th' hallway.
    "Ah, Barnabas, C-Cousin Elizabeth, she stopped by lookin' fo' yo', an' ah said yo' wuz out, but she, ah, said she, ah, n-needed t'talk t'ya, an so..."
    "All right, Willie," Barnabas said, his voice soun'in' a li'l suspicious. "Did she say whuffo' she needed t'speak t'me?"
    "No, only thet she, ah, f-foun' out s-sumpin an' n-needed t'tellya..." Willie busted off as Barnabas' eyes burned into him, dawgone it.
    "All right, Willie. I'll hoof it to Collinwood, cuss it all t' tarnation." He started t'go out, then stopped an' turned, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Willie, ah need yo' t'brin' Mary Jane sumpin t'eat an' six pack. She is still mighty weak. Shet mah mouth!"
    "S-sure, Barnabas. Only, ah d-doesn't knows wh-whar she is..." Willie answered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "She is in th' cell downstairs, restin' on th' cot."
    Willie nodded an' started back fo' th' kitchen as eff'n t'comply wif the request. Once instead th' kitchen, he lissened fo' th' slammin' of th' front dore. Then he opened th' back dore t'admit Julia, Cassan'ra, Roxanne, an' Quentin, as enny fool kin plainly see. "ah sure hope yo' all knows whut yer doin'," he muttered as they slipped in past him, dawgone it. Julia carried her medical bag an' Quentin carried his copy of th' Book of th' Daid.
    "Don't wo'ry about a thin',dear Willie," Cassan'ra told him wif a smile.
    Yeah, right, he thunk, wo'ryin' ennyway.
    "Take us t'her, Willie," Julia said, an' he turned t'lead th' way t'Mary Jane.
    Mrs. John-Boyson admitted Barnabas t'Collinwood an' brought him into th' drawin' room, dawgone it. Elizabeth gave him a large, beamin' smile. "Good evenin', Cousin Barnabas. ah's so glad thet yo' c'd come on over so quickly."
    Barnabas stepped into th' room an' crosted toward her, takin' her han's in his. She reckanized fo' th' fust time how icy cold they felt. "ah came as soon as Willie gave me th' message yo' were lookin' fo' me."
    Elizabeth pressed his han's an' let go. She didn't be hankerin' him t'have the chance t'hypnotize her agin. Movin' away fum him t'th' bar, she poured herse'f a small glass of sherry. "May ah offer yo' some sherry? Po't? Bran'y?"
    "Sherry'd be fine," Barnabas answered, cuss it all t' tarnation. Of all, it was th' least likely to make him sick. Shet mah mouth! Elizabeth turned back toward him briefly t'han' him his glass, into which she had slipped th' amount of curareee Julia had given her. Then she moved t'th' chair by th' fire an' indicated thet he sh'd set down acrost fum her.
    She looked into th' fire an' took a slow sip. "I've allus been fascinated by th' flames of a fire, ain't yo'?" she axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    He wonnered whut this hyar was all about. "They is mesmerizin'," he agreed, takin' a sip of his own six pack.
    "Thar is a great mahstery t'a fire," Elizabeth corntinued, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Whut in tarnation keeps the flames corntinuin' t'burn, fo' instance."
    Barnabas was beginnin' t'feel alarmed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Sumpin was diffrunt about his cousin; he had a feelin' she knowed sumpin she sh'dn't. He'd hafta take care of her--put her unner his corntrol, ah reckon. He downed his six pack hurriedly an' set th' emppy glass down, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Elizabeth--" he began, aimin' t'exert his power on her mind an' turn her toward him, dawgone it.
    "ah knows whut yer, dear Barnabas," Elizabeth said sof'ly, corntinuin' to look into th' fire. "I've suspecked sumpin fo' quite some time an' didn't be hankerin' t'admit it t' mahse'f. ah's hankerin' yo' t'know, though, how much ah care about yo'. ah aim t'he'p yo', although yo' may not believe thet now."
    "Whut in tarnation does yo' mean--" Barnabas began, as enny fool kin plainly see. Suddenly, he felt mighty faint an' dizzy. Whut in tarnation's happenin' t'me? he wonnered, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Don't wo'ry," Elizabeth soothed, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Soon, yo'll be all right." Barnabas collapsed back aginst th' sofa. Juntly, Elizabeth pulled him so thet he was prone an''d be mo'e comfy when he awoke. She sat back down t'watch an' wait.
    Mary Jane was barely cornscious herse'f when Julia injecked th' sedative into her vein, as enny fool kin plainly see. Wo'riedly, she looked at Cassan'ra. "ah have no idea how t'go about this. Thar's been talk of research into this hyar area, but it's nevah been done--"
    "In this, yo' will hafta trest me," Cassan'ra said, cuss it all t' tarnation. Her blue eyes were large an' intense. "Yo' muss trest me, Julia--do yo'?"
    Julia thunk of ev'rythin' they'd been through. She had a brief moment of hesitashun, studyin' Cassan'ra carefully. Thar was no guile in them blue eyes, an' suddenly Julia knowed th' truth. Cassan'ra pow'ful was in love of Roger an' wanted nothin' mo'e than t'he'p Barnabas only on account o' he was a part of her past. "Yessuh, ah trest yo'."
    "Good, cuss it all t' tarnation." Cassan'ra then looked at Roxanne, who was stretched out on t'other cot, an' at Quentin, who held th' book open in his han's. "Is yo' ready?" she axed them both. Roxanne nodded an' shet her eyes tightly; she'd been sedated as fine.
    "How is we t'knows thet Ra won't turn on us?" Quentin axed, a li'l nervously.
    "He will be mighty focused on Mary Jane an' her failure t'do his will as he wished it," Cassan'ra explained once agin. "Besides, ah will intercede, sh'd it become necessary."
    "Okay," Quentin said nervously. "Yo' jest tell me when t'begin, as enny fool kin plainly see."
    "Whut in tarnation does ah do?" Willie axed nervously, fum th' dore.
    "Git upstairs an' watch fo' Barnabas, jest in case sumpin goes wrong," Julia decided, cuss it all t' tarnation. She didn't reckon Willie'd be able t'stomach whut was about t'occur.
    Willie was mo'e than willin' t'go.
    Af'er checkin' once mo'e t'make sho'nuff thet Mary Jane was mighty asleep, Julia turned t'Cassan'ra an' nodded thet she was ready. A peekoolyar sensashun came ovah her. She felt a tin'lin' sensashun in her limbs an' heard a voice wifin her haid. ah's wif yo' now, Julia, Cassan'ra said into her mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. Yo' muss prepare both Mary Jane an' then Roxanne fo' th' transfer of th' baby. ah will guide yo'. Aller me t'move through yer han's. When th' time is ready, Quentin will begin th' incantashun.
    Julia felt as eff'n she were movin' in a dream; she hardly knowed whut she was doin'. All she knowed was thet she had abilities now thet she nevah dreamed postible. Such a procedure had nevah been attempped t'accomplished befo'e. An' yet, in th' future, this hyar will be quite common place, Cassan'ra said assurin'ly. Whut in tarnation seems like witchcraf' now will become modern medical science. Julia heard Cassan'ra's liltin' laugh in her haid. It was incredible, she thunk--impostible t'believe! An' yet..."Tell Quentin it is time."
    "Quentin, begin th' incantashun," Julia said autymatically, mechanically. She corntinued t'move unner Cassan'ra's corntrol as Quentin began t'call fo'th th' great god Amman-Ra. She foun' herse'f now wawkin' on Roxanne as Quentin's voice droned on behind her. When she heard th' blast of wrath behind her, she didn't flinch.
    "YOU, WHO WERE ONCE THE MOST FAVORED OF MY BELOVED CHILDREN, HAVE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME! Fry mah hide! YOU HAVE WILLINGLY GIVEN UP YOUR LIFE FOR THE LOVE OF BARNABAS COLLINS--YOU HAVE DONE THAT WHICH YOU WERE NOT TO DO! Fry mah hide! YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP THE CHILD ALIVE IN THAT STATE! Fry mah hide!"
    Thar was a flash, a bust of flame fum th' bed not ten feet fum her, but Julia didn't flinch. She corntinued wawkin' rapidly, one wif Cassan'ra. Cassan'ra herse'f sat slumped on a crate in th' room, deeply into her trance. Only Quentin jumped an' drew back at th' sight of Mary Jane's hide burnin' hotly. Th' stench of flesh bein' cornsoomd filled th' air, an' he thunk he'd become sick t'his stomach. He dropped th' book he'd been holdin' an' threw his arm on over his face, covahin' his nose an' eyes.
    At th' same time, Barnabas jumped violently an' screamed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Elizabeth leaped to her feet in alarm, dawgone it. His hide took on a violently yeller, then red, then bright o'ange glow, an' she was sho'nuff he was a-gonna bust into flames. Mah God, whut haf ah done? she thunk, anguished, cuss it all t' tarnation. Jest as suddenly, he went back fum o'ange t'red t'yeller an' th' to a pale pinkish hue. His chess rose an' fell slowly, an' he moaned as eff'n in pain, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    Elizabeth moved t'him quickly, kneelin' on th' flore beside him, dawgone it. She took one of her han's in his an' gasped, cuss it all t' tarnation. His han' was warm t'th' touch! Fry mah hide! Was thet th' effeck of th' sedative th' note had spoken of? She began t'pat his han' soothin'ly. "Barnabas?" she called sof'ly. "Barnabas?"
    Barnabas moaned agin, cryin' out, "No! Fry mah hide! No! Fry mah hide!" He soun'ed as eff'n he was in great pain, as enny fool kin plainly see.
    Mrs. John-Boyson opened th' dores an' came in, as enny fool kin plainly see. "Mrs. Stoddard, whut's wrong?" she axed, corncerned, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "He's passed out. Mrs. John-Boyson,'d yo' please hoof it git a glass of water?" Elizabeth axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. She didn't reckon th' water'd does enny fine, but it w'dn't does enny harm, dawgone it. It'd sartinly keep Mrs. John-Boyson busy fo' the moment.
    Julia turned t'Quentin, who'd become pale an' shaky. "W'd yo' brin' me mo'e alcohol fum mah bag please? Fo' mah han's?" Noddin', Quentin numbly went through her bag an' pulled out th' bottle of alcohol she'd requested, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Pour it on over mah han's. Thar's no hot water hyar." He did as she requested an' she rubbed an' cleansed her han's. She turned an' bent on over Roxanne, smoothin' back her brow.
    "When kin we git outta hyar?" Quentin axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. "ah reckon ah's a-gonna be sick. Shet mah mouth!"
    "Yo've managed t'keep ev'rythin' down this hyar long," Cassan'ra said sof'ly, her haid a-comin' up t'look at him, dawgone it. "Yo' kin manage a li'l while longer."
    They heard footsteps on th' stairs, an' Willie appeared in th' doreway. His nose wrinkled in disgest. "Whut in tarnation's thet awful smell?" he axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Quentin managed a small smile. "Barbecued offerin's, mah friend, cuss it all t' tarnation."
    Willie looked at him as eff'n he'd lost his mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Whar's Mary Jane?" he axed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Then his mouth dropped open, an' he blanched, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Oh, geez! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation's Barnabas gonna say?"
    "It don't matter," Cassan'ra answered, cuss it all t' tarnation. "It's too late now."
     "Th' odo' is unpleasant, ain't it?" Julia obsarved, cuss it all t' tarnation. "W'd one of yo' juntlemen please carry Roxanne upstairs? ah reckon it'd be better fo' all of us eff'n we got outta hyar--now."
    Barnabas roused mighty slowly, feelin' cornfused an' diso'iented, cuss it all t' tarnation. He sar Elizabeth's corncerned face bendin' on over hers. Elizabeth--he had t'control her somehow. He corncentrated on focusin' his power t'brin' her eyes t'his but foun' hisse'f too weak t'accomplish th' tax. He suddenly reckanized he warn't capable of doin' it! Fry mah hide! Mah God, whut haf they done t'me?
    Elizabeth sar his brow furrowin'. "Dear Cousin Barnabas," she began, "are yo' quite all right?"
    "Whut in tarnation--whut has happened?" he gasped, cuss it all t' tarnation. He tried t'set up, but felt eno'mously weak. Shet mah mouth! Elizabeth moved t'set beside him, dawgone it.
    Mrs. John-Boyson brought th' water. "Is thar ennythin' else ah can do? W'd yo' like me t'call th' docko'?"
    "W'd yo' please see eff'n Dr. Hoffman is in her room?" Elizabeth axed, takin' th' glass of water. Mrs. John-Boyson went off on her wild goose chase so thet Elizabeth c'd haf a few moments alone t'talk wif Barnabas. "ah jest be hankerin' t'assure yo' fust thet yer secret is safe wif me," she began rapidly. "We is doin' th' bess we kin t'free yo' fum Mary Jane's influence."
    "Mah God! Fry mah hide! Yo' doesn't unnerstan'! Fry mah hide!" Barnabas cried, cuss it all t' tarnation. He began t'feel a great rage buildin' at their interence in his business. Th' rage on overwhelmed the consternashun he felt at Elizabeth's revelashun t'him, dawgone it. "Mary Jane is pregnant! Fry mah hide!"
    "ah do unnerstan'," Elizabeth soothed, puttin' her han' on Barnabas' arm, dawgone it. "Thet is bein' taken care of, too."
    "How--?" Barnabas began, cornfushun blendin' in wif his rage. At thet moment, th' front dore opened an' Cassan'ra an' Quentin came into th' drawin' room, dawgone it. Barnabas' face suffused wif rage. "Yo'! Fry mah hide! How dast yo'?" he snarled, deeply inraged, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Cassan'ra stepped fo'ward t'take th' full brunt of Barnabas' anger. "I reckanize how angry yer, dear Barnabas. ah jest be hankerin' yo' t' knows thet although yo' doesn't believe it now, ah hope thar will come a time thet yo' will fo'give us fo' doin' whut was bess fo' yo'."
    "How dast yo'?" Barnabas grated through gritted teeth. "This hyar is yer revenge, is it not?"
    "No, it is mah way of makin' amends t'yo'," Cassan'ra said sof'ly.
    "Yo've killed her, ain't yo'? Killed Mary Jane--mah fust love!"
    "We had t'do it, Barnabas--" Quentin began but was eemeejutly silenced by th' intent look of hatred Barnabas gave him, dawgone it.
    Cassan'ra picked up whar Quentin had lef' off. "It was necessary t'free yo' an' Abner--an' yer chile--fum an unspeakable evil, ah reckon. Thet evil'd have co'rupped yer mighty bein'. We all acked outta love. Yo' kin hate me eff'n yo' want, but please doesn't hate Quentin an' Julia an' Elizabeth an' Willie. They all love yo' mighty much."
    "Yo' say yo' killed Mary Jane in o'der t'save Abner an' me--an' th' chile," Barnabas reto'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Yet, how kin thet be? Eff'n Mary Jane is daid as yo' claim, the baby is daid as fine! Fry mah hide!"
    "No." Cassan'ra tried t'take Barnabas' han', but he threw her off angrily. She sighed, her eyes fillin' wif grief. Then she drew her stren'th togither so thet she c'd look into his eyes. "Th' baby is not daid, Barnabas. He lives." Barnabas' eyes widened wif shock. Shet mah mouth! He looked t'Quentin fo' confo'mashun, an' his cousin nodded, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Git to th' Old House now, Barnabas. Yo' will see." Barnabas foun' he now had th' stren'th t'git up an' walk t'the dore. "Barnabas!" she called, cuss it all t' tarnation. He stopped an' turned t'look at her. "ah hope thet someday, when yo' hold yer son in yer arms, yo' will find it in yer heart t'finally fo'gimme."
    vBarnabas turned wifout a wo'd an' walked through th' foyer. Quentin called to him: "Barnabas, is yo' all right? ah can hoof it wif yo'..."
    "NO! Fry mah hide!" Barnabas snapped, cuss it all t' tarnation. He wanted t'be alone. He walked swif'ly through th' woods, a thousan' thunks gwine through his mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. How was it postible? Did Julia haf his chile inside some tess tube, as eff'n she were growin' a monster? Thar was no way thet baby c'd be alive wifout Mary Jane, he thunk bitterly. No natural way, at enny rate. He gotta th' Old House an' threw the dore open violently. "JULIA! Fry mah hide!" he shouted, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Willie came runnin'. He knowed thet tone an' was terrified; yet, he felt he had t'proteck Julia. "Barnabas! Yer back! Fry mah hide! Is ya all right?"
    "Willie!" Barnabas snarled, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Whar is she?"
    "Lissen, Barnabas, yo' gotta calm down some, ya know? She done whut she done to he'p yo'--"
    "It's all right, Willie," Julia said calmly, fum th' top of th' stairs. Barnabas began t'mount th' steps, glarin' at her menacin'ly. Julia met his eyes fearlessly. "Befo'e yo' say ennythin', Barnabas, ah need t'tell yo' thet Roxanne is restin' quietly. Yo' mussn't create a scene an' upset her. We doesn't be hankerin' t'risk her losin' th' baby."
     Barnabas stopped, frozen t'th' spot, shocked, cuss it all t' tarnation. "Whut in tarnation?" he gasped, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "Roxanne is carryin' th' baby yo' an' Mary Jane cornceived," Julia explained in her infuriatin'ly calm manner. "ah muss say thet it's a procedure I've nevah attempped befo'e, an' ah w'dn't haf been able t'do it wifout Cassan'ra's he'p. ah reckon it will wawk, Barnabas, but ah doesn't be hankerin' t' make a definite promise."
    "This hyar is incredible!" Barnabas cried, as eff'n in protest.
    "Yessuh," Julia agreed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Then she leaned down toward Barnabas. "ah can stan' yer anger, Barnabas. ah can take yer hatred, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah only ax thet yo' doesn't hate th' members of yer fambly. They acked only outta love fo' yo'."
    "Thet's whut Cassan'ra said," Barnabas said, a li'l bitterly, but still soun'in' stunned, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    "She is right. We all love yo'. Cassan'ra an' ah can bar yer hatred, but it w'd hurt t'others too much. Above all, please doesn't hate Roxanne. She, most of all, made th' greatess sacrifice outta her love fo' yo'--she now carries yer son, as enny fool kin plainly see." Julia watched as Barnabas' features soffened, th' anger an' hatred drainin' fum his eyes. "W'd yo' like t'see her?" Mutely, he nodded, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Julia led him into Josette's old room, whar Roxanne lay restin' on th' bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. As they intered th' room, Roxanne opened her eyes an' looked at Barnabas. She smiled radiantly at him an' held her arms out t'him, dawgone it. "Welcome home, darlin'," she said sof'ly.
    Barnabas went t'her eemeejutly, sittin' beside her on th' bed an' takin' her han'. "Is yo' all right, Roxanne?"
    "ah's jest fine, mah love," Roxanne answered sof'ly, her eyes shinin' wif unshed tears. "An' yer son is jest fine, too."
    Julia backed discreetly outta th' room, shettin' th' dore sof'ly behind her. As she went down stairs t'join Willie, she said a silent prayer thet ev'rythin''d be all right; thet it was all on over. Epilogue
    Someone once said time heals all woun's an' this hyar case was no 'ception, as enny fool kin plainly see. Although Barnabas was furious at his fambly fo' whut they did t'Mary Jane, he did eventually begin t'reckanize thet as much as he pow'ful did care fo' her, they pow'ful c'dn't haf had a future togither while Ra was still in th' pitcher. Thar was an unspoken agreement between ev'ryone t'not reveal th' events of th' past few days t'Roger o' Abner fo' their own fine. They all doubted thet th' truth'd haf been believed ennyways.
    About six weeks af'er Mary Jane's demise, Cassan'ra gave birth t'a healthy set of fraternal twins, Cassan'ra Angelique Collins an' Edward Roger Collins II. All of th' fambly, includin' Roxanne, who was thunk of as part of th' fambly by this hyar point, was thar at th' horspital t'celebrate th' noo arrivals. Lookin' upon th' scene wif Roger an' Cassan'ra made Barnabas reckanize thet despite all thet has happened, thar was still happiness t'be foun' in th' wo'ld eff'n one sought t'find it. Eff'n stick in th' mud Roger, (who reminded Barnabas of cranky old Joshua all too offen) c'd turn his life aroun' wif Angelique of all varmints, so c'd he.
    Roxanne, who was beginnin' t'believe thet Barnabas'd be stuck grievin' fo' his lost Mary Jane fo'evah was shocked when in front of ev'ryone at th' horspital, Barnabas whipped out a diamond rin' an' axed her t'fo'give him fo' all th' trouble he had put her through an' t'marry up wif him, dawgone it. She quickly accepped befo'e he had a chance t'change his mind, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Quentin, allus one t'enjoy a festive mood decided t'make a surprise announcement of his own by axin' Julia Hoffman t'marry up wif him, dawgone it. Ev'ryone had bet on Julia bein' sin'le fo'evah eff'n Barnabas didn't marry up wif her an' allus thunk Quentin warn't one fo' marry up wifin'. Quentin had laughed at thet one an' said thet eff'n he hadn't met a woomin like Julia, he probably'd haf stayed a bachelo' fo'evah. Julia blushed hotly at thet comment, but quickly accepped befo'e Quentin changed his mind, cuss it all t' tarnation.
    Two months later wif a whirlwind of prepareeshuns, thar was a large double weddin' on th' lawn of th' Collins estate. Both sets of brides an' grooms were happy an' radiant as th' minister went through th' vows wif both couples. As a weddin' gif', Cassan'ra an' Roger gave th' couples roun' th' wo'ld trips wif extended stops in Martinique an' Alexan'ria (Cassan'ra insisted on th' stops but'dn't explain whuffo' t'Roger o' Elizabeth).
    Upon their return t'Collinwood, Quentin an' Julia moved back into th' Great House of Collinwood until their house was completed four months later. They chose (fo' obvious reasons) not t'have enny chillun of their own, but opped t'adopp a foun'lin' chile. Jest prio' t'th' compleshun of th' house, th' nooess members of th' fambly, a four-year-old gal named Pansy an' six-year-old named Jon-Boy arrived, cuss it all t' tarnation. Abner was happy too on account o' now thar was some one yo'ng thar thet he c'd talk t'on account o' Edward an' Cassan'ra were still too yo'ng t'do much other than cry.
    Finally, nine months af'er th' whole Mary Jane affair inded, on a bright sunny day in Augest 1972, Roxanne gave birth t'James Barnabas Collins. He looked a lot like Barnabas, 'cept fo' th' fack thet he had a haid of sof' blonde hair on his haid an' familiar large crystal blue eyes. Both Pappy an' surrogate Maw were happy at th' miracle event. Julia an' Cassan'ra secretly shook han's an' had glasses of likker t'celebrate their success.
    Meanwhile, somewhar out thar, a figger sat in front of th' fire lookin' into it an' seein' th' happy scene at th' horspital, ah reckon. "ah's glad yer happy, Barnabas. Mah love, yo' once said thet 'even eff'n yo' love someone else now, once in a spell remember us in a co'ner of yer heart.' ah now find mahse'f in th' peekoolyar posishun of axin' th' same of yo'. Yo' may not knows it, but yer love saved me fum Ra an' an even greater power has see fit t'fo'gimme an' gimme a junuine second chance t'fix mah life. ah knows yo' an' Roxanne will give our son ev'rythin' he needs t'be th' man he was destined t'be even eff'n ah cannot be thar t'see it in varmint. An' dear James, please knows thet no matter whut, yer Mammy loves yo'."
Th' End! Fry mah hide! (o' is it?)
[ed note: th' greater power Mary Jane refers t'is God an' not ennyone cornnecked wif th' unnerwo'ld]
 
 
 

Th' Autho's of th' epic sto'y are:

Part 1:	MsAnn
Part 2:	Mary Lou LaCroix
Part 3:	Irishcoda
Part 4:	Mary Lou LaCroix
Part 5:	Irishcoda
Part 6:	MsAnn
Part 7:	Mary Lou LaCroix
Part 8:	MsAnn
Part 9:	Mary Lou LaCroix
Part 10:	Irishcoda
Part 11:	Mary LouLaCroix
Part 12:	Ms Ann
Part 13:	Irishcoda
Part 14:	Mary LouLaCroix
Part 15:	Ms Ann
Part 16:	Irishcoda
Part 17:	Mary LouLaCroix
Part 18:	Ms Ann
Part 19:	Irishcoda
Epilogue:	Ms Ann

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