|
|
THE SLIME GIRLS
by James Ambuehl
(For Mel C., who probably wouldnt like it anyway)
Ugliness is only skin-deep, it is said, and truly this seems to be the
case. For take away our glittering scales and our sweeping, fanning
fins, and our abominable stench and what are we left with? Believe me,
I had occasion to find out not too long ago -- and what I discovered . .
. holy mackerel!
But I'd better back up here a bit, and introduce myself. My name is
Isaac Waite -- "Icthyic Ike" -- as I was known in my radio days DJ-ing
at K-FSH here in Innsmouth. But now I am -- or rather, was, before my
unfortunate experience -- music editor and chief critic for the
INNSMOUTH COURIER.
Well, shadowed Innsmouth being somewhat cut off from the world at large,
I had had the occasion to cover only the local music scene: from the
punk and metal bands like Icthyic Youth and Hammerhead to the slightly
more accessible pop sounds of The Sardines and Blue Plate Special. So
when the opportunity came a-knocking to interview an undeniably popular
group with national exposure I leaped at it. My assignment? I was to
interview those darlings of pop, The Slime Girls!
You know The Slime Girls, right? EVERYONE knows The Slime Girls! Those
singing and dancing sensations were top-of-the-charts and would surely
set any cold-blooded male to thoughts of swimming upriver and (Cthulhu
grant it!) spawning with any one of them! They had regular names, of
course, but they were far better known under their band trade-names:
'Eldritch,' 'Squamous,' 'Rugose,' 'Fungoid' and (sigh) 'Non-Euclidian'
Slime, collectively, The Slime Girls!
They had some real chart-toppers too! Remember that song about Shoggoth
reproduction, "When One Becomes Two" and their more recent hit "Slime Up
Your Life" from their box-office smash movie SLIMEWORLD? And who could
forget "Always Be Scared"?:
I'm giving you such a fright
Petrified tonight
This I swear . . .
with Non-Euclidian Slime screeching like a beached whale over it all:
"You'll always be scared!"
But, of course, their biggest all-time hit was their first, "Wannabe,"
with its catchy-as-all-get-out chorus:
I you wanna be my Dark Young
You gotta eat all your friends;
Munching humans forever --
Feasting never ends!
But, as with any pop sensation, the often insipid music definitely took
a backseat to the look -- and, Great Dagon, did The Slime Girls have the
looks! Writhing tentacles, scaly skin, oozing slime, just the memory of
them alone would set my cilia a-flutter and my gills a-palpitating -- if
not for that final impossible horror that . . .
Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself again. Anyway, they came to Innsmouth
on their way through the Miskatonic Valley Tour -- and they were
scheduled to play at the FISH-BOWL here in Innsmouth this very night
before moving on to Dunwich and THE DEVIL'S HOPYARD tommorrow night --
and they showed up for the interview in full glorious band regalia. And,
Mother Hydra, was Non-Euclidian tall! She had her long flowing tendrils
tied back on her head like in that video for "Always Be Scared" and . .
. and . . . oh, all right, I'm getting to my point, dammit!
I asked my round of questions and they all chimed in in turn with the
most unmelodious grunting and croaking and hissing voices. I was almost
in R'lyeh myself, just listening to them and fantasisizing about
Non-Euclidan and her long green fronds wrapped around my thighs and . .
.
Uh, well, you know they're not from around here, right? Yes indeedy,
those fish 'n' chips hail from Merry Ole England!
Well, I had never even HEARD anyone from the U.K. speak before, and had
one star-spawn of a time understanding them through their accents. I
could hardly tell their 'fhtagn's' from their 'Ia's'! But I muddled
through, and all too quickly the interview came to an end. I sat there
hemming and hawing a bit, not wanting to see this eye-candy leave, and
then one of them -- Squamous, I think, the loud, brashy one -- asked, in
her thick cockney:
"Is that it then, luv? Are we through with it all, now?" To which I
could only nod dumbly, trying hard not to drool too excessively while
staring at Non-Euclidian's (or 'Cliddie,' as I liked to think of her)
luscious guppy-lips and willing myself in the name of all the Old Ones
yet in R'lyeh not to let them see my 'chub' -- when the unspeakable
occurred!
"Thank God," I heard Fungoid mutter (yes, 'God' -- not 'Cthulhu' or
'Dagon' or even 'Hydra'!) and almost as one they reached up their
fore-flippers and PULLED OFF THEIR HEADS! Yes, I said OFF!
And what impossible horror lurked beneath was certainly not for the
fathoming of eyes that see -- it was the UNNAMEABLE!
Needless to say, my infatuation with Cliddie and the others ended right
then and there! A crippling blow to be sure, but I tell myself that it
-- like the stars -- will all be right again one day -- that there are
indeed other fish in the sea!
And so I ended up here, Doc, with you recording my "story" in this
comfortable room I know to be in reality a CELL in Arkham Asylum . . .
But I tell you, Doc, despite the implausibility of the events I have
related here, I am not crazy -- my story is TRUE!
Those ladies were fakes, I tell you -- they were wearing elaborate
life-like costumes. And beneath those costumes, I swear, Doc, they were
-- ugh! -- HUMAN!
