|
|
*The Time Before was our time. Then Great Cthulhu rose from R'lyeh and laid waste to the world. However, It kept some of the things that pleased It: superstores, television, baseball figures with wobbly heads, and more. Its minions rule where once we ruled; Its minions tread where once we trod; Its minions shop where once we shopped.*
"Hello, Mrs. Conundrum!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Enigma!" Mrs. Conundrum climbs down from her chariot, tethers her ostriches, and retrieves her purse. "What are you doing here today?"
"Well, some of my whelps have a birthday coming up, so I'm picking up some gifts and party favors."
"Oh, me too! This is nice, we can shop together."
They cross the parking lot to a sandstone arch, over which hangs a lighted sign reading CRAZY ABDUL'S. Mrs. Conundrum knocks on one side of the arch to elicit a hollow thump. "Oh, how tacky, fiberglass. You'd think Mr. Abdul could afford real stone."
"Yes, he's practically run Wil-marth out of business."
Immediately inside they find an orange cone sitting in a pool of slime. The cone announces, "Welcome to Crazy Abdul's. Do you need a bearer?"
"No, we're just..." begins Mrs. Enigma. Mrs. Conundrum shakes her head significantly and points at the line of pseudomorphs, who shuffle and whine in their pen. "Yes, thank you."
The cone whistles to open the gate. The first one bounds out, extrudes a tongue, and licks Mrs. Enigma's hand. "My, it's a friendly one, isn't it?"
"Do you need directions?" asks the cone.
"No, thank you."
"Let us praise Cthulhu."
"We praise It every day," they reply in unison, and proceed into the store, followed by the pseudomorph. They find Small Appliances & Torture Implements and turn left. As they approach the Gardening & Eldritch Herbs area, they encounter a female followed by a mob of whelps.
One of the whelps breaks loose to investigate a large colorful plant. Silently, in the blink of an eye, the plant snaps up the child. The female pretends not to notice.
"Oh, did you see that, Mrs. Enigma?"
"Yes, that snapper must be sick, it's almost as slow as Mr. Enigma."
"Ha, ha, that's good, I'll have to remember it."
They turn right into a smaller aisle. On their left there's a minor explosion, a puff of orange smoke, and a shower of unidentifiable fleshy bits. The pseudomorph produces several snouts and begins sniffling across the floor.
A sibilant voice interrupts the ubiquitous piping from the public address system: "Cleanup in Spellware. Cleanup in Spellware."
"My goodness, Mrs. Conundrum, you'd think they'd learn their lesson after Cleveland."
"Oh yes, at my brother's shop you have to go across the street to try your spells. He doesn't want *his* store vanishing into The Endless Void."
"Well, let's move along. The pseudomorph can catch up."
They pass the Sporting Goods and Toys sections. The lights become less dim here, thanks to the Grille ahead of them.
A figure in a paisley robe approaches. Several red points of light float in darkness inside its hood, moving in no particular pattern. Its voice buzzes like downed power lines. "Good afternoon, ladies. How may I help you today?"
Mrs. Conundrum notes the badge on his robe. "Oh, such a nice voice. Chokish, is it? We have some whelps who are having birthdays soon, we need supplies."
"Ah, well then, may I suggest the Mi-Go Amorphous Puler Rangers line? They're very popular this season."
"Oh, no, they hate the Puler Rangers."
"Yes, they do. Don't you have something else?"
Chokish moves down the aisle. "Here we are. The Tcho-tcho Mutated Nunchuck Turtles."
"No, never heard of them."
"Oh, that will never do."
Chokish, visibly flustered, moves again. "Every whelp knows about Barzaie - her friends, her homes, her clothes."
"Oh, we already have Barzaie all over the house."
"Yes, they're all tired of Barzaie."
A slurping sound comes from the head of the aisle. Their pseudomorph appears, flounders up to them, and squats obediently.
The clerk sighs, indicates the next rack of items. "Here we have the Gastro-Intestinal Cho line." He pauses hopefully.
"Yes. Yes, my whelps love GI Cho. Let me have a set for sixty. On second thought, make it fifty, their class has Finals this week."
"Of course. Here are the ceremonial robes... the ritual daggers... the bibs... and the drop cloths." Mrs. Enigma takes the items and hands them to the pseudomorph, which makes tentacles to hold them.
Chokish turns the corner to the next aisle. "Here we have our newest line. I'm sure it will catch on with the whelps. It's called Procreman."
"Oh, aren't they just hideous?"
"Yes, they look like little humans."
"That's right. The child conjures up tiny humans and breeds them. There will be over five thousand different Procremans."
"Oh, this is perfect! Give me a hundred of everything!" Mrs. Conundrum loads the pseudomorph with her selections.
"Now that you have your party favors," suggests Chokish, "have you thought about presents?"
"Yes, presents, what do you have?" Mrs. Enigma asks.
"Why don't we step over to the Toys section?"
They follow the back aisle towards the front of the store. The PA system crackles and a hoarse voice sounds: "Attention shoppers, this is Crazy Abdul! YAH ha ha ha! YAH ha HA ha! Yah HA ha HA!...."
"Oh, does he *have* to do that?" asks Mrs. Conundrum.
"Yes," replies Chokish, "he does."
They reach the first aisle of toys. "Here we have the outdoor games," says Chokish. "Seven-Pseudopodded Race? Bastminton? Crowquet? Or how about the Larval Case Toss?"
"Oh, I don't know, we don't like to let the whelps outside."
"No, they keep eating the neighborhood pets."
The next aisle has scores of action figures. Chokish waves at the various groups. "Here are the GI Cho figures. The newest one is Wilbur Whateley, the largest one yet, and he has Kung-Fu Grip. Very popular with the whelps."
"Yes, that's just the thing, I'll take two." Mrs. Enigma passes them to the pseudomorph.
"Here we have the Barzaie figures. The latest one is Barzaie's friend Keziah."
"Oh, they don't have that one."
"Then you'll want Keziah. And her Attic Hideaway, which fits on top of Barzaie's Dream House. And of course you'll need the Brown Jenkin figure with Gnashing Action."
"Oh my, I'll take three of each!" Mrs. Conundrum puts them in a bucket extruded by the pseudomorph.
"Next you see the Sailor series. We have all of the figures: Sailor Yuggoth, Sailor Celaeno, Sailor Yekub, Sailor Cykranosh, Sailor Yith, Sailor Tond, Sailor Yaksh. And of course the accessories, their little minions, their weapons, their light envelopes."
"I don't know... what are these?" Mrs. Enigma points at the next shelf. The dusty packages lie in disorderly heaps, unlike the other figures neatly hung in rows.
"Ah... we don't recommend those for younger whelps. Playing with toys like these can affect their tiny little minds and make them unfit for society."
"Where did they come from?"
"They've been here since the Time Before. We should have destroyed them, but Crazy Abdul likes them, so they stay on the shelf."
Mrs. Conundrum presses one of the figures through its cover. It croaks, *Beefcake!*
"Oh, that sounds tasty. Why doesn't anyone like these?"
"Press it again."
*Respect my authority!*
"Oh dear, that's blasphemous!"
"How right you are. Please, let's take a look at the games." Chokish leads them into the next aisle. "Your whelps will love these party games. Here's 'Pin the Ropy Extrusion on the Rugose Cone.' No? How about 'Rack of Fortune: The Home Game?'
"Perhaps you'd prefer these board games. In 'Shaggai Cooties,' you have to assemble a Shan from these parts before it invades your mind."
"Oh, I like that! Give me one."
"Yes, give me one too."
"This is 'Hungry Hungry Hastur,' a fast-paced tabletop game. Your whelp controls one of these snakes and tries to scoop up the Thousand Young eggs."
"No, my whelps would lose interest in this before they finished the first game."
"Oh, not my whelps. Give me one."
"You probably know this one: 'Necronopoly,' the classic temple-building game."
"Yes! Mr. Enigma and I used to play it all the time. Before we mated, of course. Once he completed a temple to Yog-Sothoth and actually summoned a Lurker. He was blinded for two weeks!"
"Then you'll be happy to know that we have the Junior Version of Necronopoly. It's simpler, but your whelps will still learn the basic principles of attracting cultists, amassing power, and making pacts with the Great Old Ones."
"Yes! I'll take the Junior Version. How about you, Mrs. Conundrum?"
"Oh... all right, I'll get it too."
The PA system sounds again. "Welcome, shoppers at Crazy Abdul's. We're having a special sale today in Spellware. Get distressed items at half off! We also have pre-stained pitchforks in Sporting Goods."
Chokish waits for the announcement to end, and continues, "This one is called 'Tindalosial Pursuit.' Each player has a counter on the board. When you land on one of the trapezohedral spaces, you must answer a question. If you miss three questions in a row, the Hound counters are unleashed to hunt down your counter and devour it. Of course, the last surviving player wins."
"Oh, that sounds boring."
"Yes, it does. What else do you have?"
"Here are some older games. 'Shubs and Ladders?' How about 'Tekeli-li-winks?'"
"No, no."
Chokish sighs. "We don't have much left. There's only one more aisle of toys."
"Oh well, let's have a look."
They move around the end of the shelf. The clerk indicates a stack of drably colored boxes. "If your whelp has constructive tendencies, it can take them out on these Lloigo building blocks."
Mrs. Conundrum snorts. "What in Cthulhu's Name are you saying? That there are whelps who can take a pile of blocks and make a little building out of them? That's frightening!"
"I fully agree. You normally find these sets in the offices of Whelp Therapists. Of course, if you have such a whelp, the others will cheerfully destroy its creations and teach it the folly of resisting entropy."
Mrs. Conundrum moves on to survey the dolls. Mrs. Enigma tugs at Chokish's sleeve and whispers, "Could you hold one of these for me?"
Chokish nods. "Which one?"
"The Tropical Castle Set, the one with the non-Euclidian blocks."
"Certainly. You can pick it up at the Customer Ritual Desk." Chokish catches up to Mrs. Conundrum, followed by Mrs. Enigma and the pseudomorph. "Would you like to try some of the dolls? They burp, they moan piteously, they screech, they chant."
"Oh, I don't know. Do you have any with detachable heads?"
"They all have detachable heads and limbs. Most of them even have detachable fetuses, with a variety of offspring."
"Oh, that's not really what I'm looking for. Come along, Mrs. Enigma, I think we're through here."
"Yes, I believe we are." Mrs. Enigma gives Chokish a grateful glance before leaving. "I need to stop at the Customer Ritual Desk before I leave, I have to pick up some film."
"Oh, that's all right.... You know, I heard about a Yahweh cult in the poorer neighborhoods. When they throw a party for their whelps, they serve Eye Scream and Khek."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"When they serve the Khek, they set it on fire! And the whelps have to extinguish the fire to get their wishes."
"How awful."
 |
Return to author index
Return to fiction
index
Return to Letters
from Outside index
All contents © 2000. All rights reserved.
