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December 6, 1998
I think that I have learned a lot during my time here at APATH. By going to lecture and discussion every week, as well as attending programs and doing community service, I have learned many different issues that deal with Asian Americans. I think that out of all the issues that came up, the most important issue for me was about one’s self-identity. I have never seriously analyzed my own self-identity before so this was a fresh revelation for me.
When the question came up, “Do you consider yourself ‘Asian’, ‘Asian American’, ‘Japanese’, or ‘Japanese American’?” I just took it for granted that I was Asian American. The friends that I grew up with were mostly Asian, and not necessarily Japanese American, so I felt that I was an Asian living in America, therefore I felt that I had a Pan-Asian identity.
Then, I began to ponder the question a little bit more. I realized that in conversations, I introduced myself as “Japanese”. I was brought up learning both Japanese and English traditions so I was pretty comfortable with both identities. Since I was comfortable with both cultures, I should have introduced myself as “Japanese American”, rather than just “Japanese”, but I guess my inclination of not including the “American” part was probably because the “American” part seemed to be a given, since I was brought up in America. Another reasoning that I had to this was that since I was around so many different Asian people, the only way to distinguish myself from other Asians was to say that I was “Japanese” and I didn’t stress upon the American part.
The opposite situation occurred when I was around “Japanese” people from Japan. I was considered a foreigner to them since I did not grow up in Japan so I told them that I was an “American”. They were surprised that a Japanese person would know English so much and they treated me like I was some unknown species. I was flattered that they were impressed with my knowledge, but at the same time I felt very different from them because I was not “Japanese” even though I was through blood.
I was living in this world of confusion. At times, I wanted to accept my Japanese identity, but it was very hard since I was different from them. Also, I wanted to relate with my Asian friends but I still felt very different since they didn’t have the Japanese background. I was wedged right in the middle of nowhere and it seemed like I had no identity.
What APATH taught me this semester was to accept my own identity as both Japanese and American and to take advantage of my multi-ethnicity. For one of the lectures, Bobby Silva from HAPA Issues Forum came and talked about dealing with his half Japanese and half Portuguese heritage. He told us that he also had a problem with his identity. However, what he did was to use to towards his favor by hanging around more than one group of people. He explained how he would just switch from one group of friends to the next if did feel uncomfortable with one group of people. I completely understood what he was talking about. What I didn’t do was to take it to my advantage. I was with my Asian friends when I felt comfortable being around them. When I became uncomfortable around them, I just gave up and lost hope.
Another thing that I remember when I was growing up was that I resented my Japanese heritage so much that I rebelled against anything that had to do with Japanese. I didn’t pay attention in Japanese class, began to hate Japanese music and traditions, and basically did nothing to improve on my Japanese-ness. When Professor Ling Chi Wang lectured about his experiences with bilingual education, it hit me that I was very stupid for doing such a thing. Professor Wang told us that kids who know more than one language tend to be smarter than ones without. I think that this is true because they would build more self-confidence and when you do have confidence, you feel a lot smarter and all the work given to you seems a lot more feasible. As I was growing up, I didn’t think that I was pretty lucky to be able to have the opportunity to learn something that all the other kids in America weren’t able to so I didn’t appreciate it until now.
The ignorance that I had became apparent when I saw the same type of ignorance in another person. I saw it when Charles from the Asian Adoptees Foundation talked about his life as a Korean adopted child brought up by white people in America. He was really bitter about his American background. He was abandoned in Korea when he was really small and was brought to the United States right after. Growing up, he had major disputes with his father since he didn’t feel right living up to his father’s American standards. He has gone to a point where he wants to change his last name from an American name to a Korean name and erase any history that relates with his “American” side. When I heard that, I realized that he must be doing this out of hatred for his parents, both adopted and biological.
Now, I feel glad that I have more than one ethnicity to show everyone. Even though it might be hard at times to relate to Americans or to Japanese people completely, I feel that they need people like me that come from both cultures to bridge the gap that exists in our society. I understand now why my parents stressed upon my knowledge in Japanese along with my American side. I feel very lucky that they stuck along with me. I feel that APATH has helped me to learn that having both identities is not such a bad thing. I hope that next semester, I will be able to expand upon my new attitude on my identity.
