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Wishes.

It's far to easy to screw up the simple things.

I don't regret that I took a chance. I will never regret that. What I do regret is that my fears still run me.

I feel like a useless wreck. Mad at myself. I finally saw what I wanted, and I couldn't even get that right.

Moon's out tonight. Bright. Reminds me.

Fuck.

Water for the fire.

Well, it's here. Can't say I'm in my 20's anymore. Trina asked me today what's different about being 30 than being 29. Really, there's nothing different. And to be completely honest, that's the problem. But that's old news really.

I really should have found a way to celebrate today, or at least to be with people. I avoid it, saying I don't celebrate my birthday just so mabye I won't have to face it. Instead I'm here, as usual, typing junk into my brain dump. I need to put more effort into these things. If I don't I may feel like I do tonight more often, and I don't want that.

I don't feel old tonight. But I do feel lonely. Nobody to blame but me for that.

It generally doesn't bother me. I can go for quite a while not even noticing how it is. But all these things sort of lead up to eachother, and there's not much I can do about it now.

Mabye I'm just tired.

Why my hair falls out.

I have been doing too little thinking lately. Yes, I know. You're wondering how that's possable without me being a vegatble. Or worse: becoming Adam Sandler. Although I'm sure he has far more money than me. In any case. Yeah. Not enough thinking. It seems easier to concern myself with other people's pain than to face my own most days. It seems like my problems are worthlessly tiny in comparison. I have no delusions as to why I am where I am right now. It stems from my lack of motivation to improve my life, myself as a person, my standing. I'm not sure why that's importaint to me tonight. It's likely because I'm sitting here, in my room, alone.

I don't *like* to think about these things. Which is pretty obvious. If I enjoyed thinking about them, I wouldn't be where I am. Does it really matter anymore? I wished I knew. Being there for people. Moving from one day to the next. I'm not a horrable person I don't think. I try to remember people who have been good to me, and I get mad at myself for not being the same sometimes. I guess I can't always be the nice guy. Some days I wished I was more sympathetic, but it's difficult with all that's happened. Used to think I was a hopless romantic. Guess I'm not.

I miss Ed's generosity, even if it stemmed from some odd need for acceptance. I suppose that's not a bad endevor, after all.

29 year old men shouldn't have a need to cry like this. Mabye I should have faced this sooner. Mabye I should hold off and just hold on to this for a little while longer. But I need to be strong to help. I have nothing else to offer anyone.

I know I can't do this alone. Just wished I knew any other way to do it.

Just feel a little lost today. It'll pass.

Just not funny

If I would only ask the right questions, I might have some of the answers.

I miss having simple answers. Hell, I miss having answers.

I just don't know anymore.

Takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I really wished I was one of those people that just went for it. The ones that will try anything once, no matter what it is. The people that have no fear, because they live in the moment. They can say, "yeah I've tried that" or "been there" and so on.

I'm not one of those people. If something scares me, just a little, it owns me. It's not that I'm concerned for tomorrow. Most days are the same for me. It's because I don't live for anything. Hobbies are vices, something to pass the time because I have too much of it. Time that is. I *never* just do stuff. I have to be prodded and shoved and kicked around.

I REALLY hate that about myself. Not dislike, not strongly displeased with, HATE. And the worst part is that I have nobody to blame but myself.

But blame doesn't solve problems. And neither does hate.

One of these days I'll surprise myself. But not today.

If God had a voice he'd sound like George Carlin

I find it interesting that time is a matter of perspective. Some people have too much, some don't have enough. Some think others squander it on trivial things, but one man's waste of time is another man's hobby.

I can't seem to decide if I have too much or not enough lately. Sometimes I think I don't have enough and then I realize it's because I don't want to have too much. Mabye I need some perspective.

Too many "what if's" bothering me tonight. Too many why's. Too many questions.

Can't see the moon. Sigh.

Witty remark goes here.

Out of all the bad decisions I've ever made in my life, the ones I regret are the ones I never made.

It was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater. No seriously.

There comes a time when you need to just put your foot down. You get totally fed up with it, and you need to finally just do something about it. Yeah, I finally got the mop chopped. Like, OMG short. That's what I get for walking in and saying, "Surprise me." =) I'm not entirely convinced about it because I've never gotten it this short before (think Sean after like 3 weeks out from buzzing his head) but I'm sure I'll get used to it. At least I don't look like a goddamn hippie anymore. Besides, a few of the ladies at work said they liked it. So it can't be all bad. =p There's this chick at work that I'm still trying to figure out too. Wicked funny, adorable, down to earth, beautiful eyes. But, I'm notorious for seeing stuff that isn't there and not seeing stuff that's right in front of me. I'm wicked good at understanding people in general, but because there's no way to be unbiased about myself I usually fuck it up. And I'm not bold enough to just ask questions, so I think I'll just play it by ear.

If only Sprite had caffeine.

Yeah, one of those nights. Told ya I'd fuck up my sleep cycle. The funny thing is I'm actually kind of sleepy, but my brain refuses to give up and just let me sleep. Hence the reason I'm sitting at my computer typing.

Bad thing is my brain is not full of anything in particular. Just all sorts of random thoughts. Shot of Jack and a glass of water's all I can think of at this hour. =)

Really should pay more attention to the people around me. I'm pretty good at figuring people out, but only if I pay attention. Just don't feel like myself lately I guess. Not sure what that means exactly. And I definately have no idea what that has to do with the beginning of this paragraph. =)

Jack is kicking in. Getting that pins and needles feeling in my hands and my ears are warm. Don't ask. Time to try and sleep.

No moon tonight; covered by clouds. =( Oh well.

Driven by time, driven by madness, driven to madness by time.

It's an odd thing, being reminded of stuff. You're never quite sure where it comes from, and there's never any warning when it hits you. So many odd things in life remind me of people, of things, of a feeling. Not necessarily in that order, and quite possibly all 3 at once. You should be used to me being vague by now. Expressing myself is not really one of my strong points. Something I'd like to remedy, if I weren't so lazy when it concerns improving myself. =)

Not really tired. But not awake so much as half-awake. As they say, when you have insomnia you're never really awake, but you're never really asleep. I've never learned what triggers it for me. Most weeks I'll go without any issue at all, others I simply can't get to sleep. Tonight I have an excuse, (thx for the coffee Sabs =) ) but it's really just that. An excuse.

But I do hope that some day all this will help. So many small issues that I can simply get rid of but I'm too affraid to loose something I'll miss. Not that I don't have alot I miss already anyway. But I'm sure I'll get to that eventually.

Moon is bright tonight.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?

Are you still reading this? Yeah, I know it's been a while. Too much to do I guess. Lots of OT at work this week, which would naturally be a good thing seeing as we haven't had any for like 4 months. Except it involves me getting up at 2:30AM. =/ My wallet's louder than the voices in my head, what can I say.

On an similar note, I think both of the ESEC on my line are going to suddenly burst into flames and/or fire the arm out of the side of the machine one of these days. Don't laugh, one of them has actually burst into flames before. Thankfully this was before I started working there. One of them not-so randomly E-stops (I can reproduce it consistantly) giving me a motor 1 failure code. It may have something to do with the fact that the arm goes in the wrong fucking direction when it goes to pick up the first part for placement, then suddenly has an epiphany and goes the right way. The other machine's encoder thinks that placing a few parts on the top left corner of a tray in random places would be a cool thing to do. It's managable, just annoying. The good thing is the one that bursts into flames is being replaced soon. The bad news is I may not be on the line when it happens. But whatever.

Thank god for vacations. 4 day week next week, followed by 11 days of not working. My sleep cycle is going to be so fucked up. =)

Getting old, not liking it much. I dunno if 29 is more or less scary then 30. 29 is so.... on the precipice of 30. It's un-nerving. I'll let you know when I turn 30 if it's worse then 29. Always worrying about stuff I can't do anything about. I worry about stuff I can do something about too, but I spend less effort on those things. But I digress.

Other shit I want to let out, just don't feel like it tonight.

What to do with 40lbs of soy sauce and a baseball bat...

This is what you get with 3 hrs of sleep and no music at work to occupy your mind. If you're not into that sentimental crap, don't waste your time. It's nothing particularly interesting.

Remember, it's not the fall. It's the sudden stop at the bottom.

Well, finally some good news for a change. It happens so little in the dulldrums of my existance that even when good stuff does happen it never seems as exciting as it should.
Got the paperwork for full-time at work today. As opposed to being a temp. Holy crap, what's this "benefits" thing you're talking about? Mabye now I can rest a little easier. Only gave me a 50 cent raise with it, but it's 50 cents more and benefits I didn't have before. So I won't complain. Now I can actually get paid when we do MFPR. W00t.

The story of a Boy and his Blob.

I would just like to inform the ESEC CT2000 (I'm seriously not making that name up) at work that it is a murder. How is this possable? It's simply a machine, it does what it's told. Hell, if someone wants to stick their hand into one, be my guest. I've seen one cruch a 2"X2" metal reject tray into 1/2" space before, but don't worry. The pain will only last as long as it takes for you to pass out.
No, it's a murder because of what it made me do. Next time it wants to stop picking up dies at least *******7******** fucking times in an 8-hour stretch, it may just learn.

If it hurts, it's probably good for you.

6/07/04

(Entry 1, 5:02PM)
Well then. As you can see, I have figured out how to make OMG images appear. That's right, the IMG SRC tag is now within my feebile powers to use as I see fit. You have been forewarned: this is a BAD thing. Hell, I even figured out how to use ALT. (Hold me) I am so cool I feel like an intarweb NERD. Ok, mabye not. You people just wait untill I figure out how to make BARS. O.O
(Entry 2, 5:04PM)
Owned, bitches.

OMGHI2U!!!!!!

6/06/04

To be completely honest, I haven't the slightest clue *where* Sean got this page from. I haven't even touched it in ages. As in, 3 years ago. But I suppose if he's gonna post it places I may as well say something. Nothing creative or witty; it's 10:30 on a Sunday night and I'm all out of funny shit to say this late. Unless I were drunk or so tired I became slap-happy, at which point you should be afraid. I think. In any case, I'll probably destroy this pointless game page at some point and make it the usual pointless brain-dump that everyone seems to have. No Blogger for me, that would require I know what the fuck I'm doing. Feel lucky I have brains enough to decipher this cheezy HTML garbage. And that's saying alot for my brains, I tell ya. There's a reason Andrew's the coder and not me. =p

In any event, keep looking for some stupid junk to show up here. And before you even ask, yes. I'm a cynical, sarcastic mofo. Get over it. For those of you who know me and still stick around for some reason, you're crazier than I. But we already know that I think. =)