two hundred monkeys

I like monkeys.

I went to the pet store one day and they were selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was good because they usually go for a thousand dollars apiece.

I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I loaded my 200 monkeys into my car and drove home.

I have a big car.

I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact none of them were really very bright. They kept punching each other in the genitals. I thought this was funny so I laughed. Then they punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I found out why the monkeys were so cheap. All they did was leap around and throw themselves into the wall. The ceremony was funny at first, but lost it's charm into the third hour.

All of a sudden, the monkeys just died. Sort of like the goldfish that you buy and then it dies ten minutes later.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I tried to flush one of them down the toilet. It didn't work because it was too big. So now I had one dead wet monkey in the toilet and 199 dead dry ones on the bed.

I tried pretending they were stuffed animals. It was like having a throw rug on every surface available. This worked until they started to decompose and the smell got unbearable. Also, I had to pee.

I tried to fit them in the freezer. That worked, but I could only fit two of them in there at a time. Also I had to eat all the food in the freezer so that I had room. By the end, I had to puke as well as pee, but I didn't have room in the toilet because the monkey was there.

Damn cheap monkeys.

Eventually, I fell asleep and forgot to change the monkeys in the freezer. When I woke up, I had two dead frozen monkeys, one dead wet monkey in the toilet, and 197 dead dry ones on my bed. The smell also made me want to puke again, and I really had to pee.

I tried to burn the monkeys. I forgot my bed was flammable. I had to put out the fire. Now I had two dead frozen monkeys, one dead wet monkey in the toilet, and 197 charred dead monkeys in my scorched room.

I tried to throw out the burnt ones, but the garbage man told me that the state had no use for burnt primates. I asked about the wet one. He told me the state had no use for that either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I was increasingly irritated by my inability to dispose of the monkeys and the fact I couldn't pee or puke. I severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

Eventually, I figured out what to do with the monkeys. I wrapped them and gave them to my friends as Christmas gifts. They didn't know what to say. My friends pretended to like them, but I knew they were lying. So I punched them in the genitals.

Damn cheap monkeys!