martha stewart's tips for rednecks

General
1. Never take beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. No matter how long the sermon, it is considered tacky to bring a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you are certain you are in the will, it is considered tacky to bring a U-Haul to a funeral parlor.
Dining Out
1. When deanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
3. It is considered poor form to repeatedly propose toasts to the woman with the biggest breasts in the room, especially if they are not related.
Entertaining in your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Be certain to have enough beer on hand so that everyone can get thoroughly drunk, as it is considered tacky to stop a party for a beer run.
3. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. Ear wax should only be cleaned in private with one's own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if living alone, deoderant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails tends to distract from a woman's jewlery and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Let her know you're interested: "I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Dating (Within the Family)
1. It is considered bad taste to date a cousin after breaking up with a sibling, but not vice versa.
2. The closer the relative you marry, the fewer guests you need to invite.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the ending credits.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters - tests have proven they cannot hear you.
3. If you must burp, attempt to do so quietly and discreetly, not in time with the movie's theme music.
Weddings
1. Livestock tends to make a poor wedding present.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to shoes and socks for this occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always goes first.
3. Never tow cars using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife for gas, it is bad form to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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