the q! cafe
general humor
 (We allow Hydrus the top spot because the heads are all the laugh track we need...)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handley
A collection of wise and intelligent ponderings of the human existence. (Yeah, right. Special thanks to my old teacher Mr. Joaniddi, who was kind enough to e-mail this to me a while ago.)
 (Caine is lucky - his kids already run the world.)
Rules to Rule By
Want to rule the world? Big deal. Everybody wants to rule the world, remember? But most of the people who give it a shot wind up screwing up. Not that that's so bad in and of itself (it means that MY successful campaign will be a change), but every single time they fail, every would-be overlord falls victim to the same set of pitfalls. So, before you try to take over the world, make sure that you're gaurded against these pitfalls.
Fun Things to do at Stop & Shop
Every week, it's the same routine. You work for a paycheck, then you go and blow the whole thing paying for food. Why? So you don't starve to death and rot in obscurity, obviously. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself in the process. Check out this list and see how many you can pull off before security escorts you off the premises. (Special thanks to Mike Ovaska for both the bathroom gag and the idea of expanding this beyond fifty.)
Cocktail Shrimp vs. Cars
It is a question that has long plagued mankind. Where should you put your money? (Really, it makes more sense when you read it.)
Future Batman Movies
There is going to be another Batman movie. We all know that. And we all know that it will feature another increasingly massive cast of second-string actors that still don't come close to Jack Nicholson all by his lonesome. It's unavoidable. So why not steele yourself with the knowledge of what will come?
200 Monkeys
A few years ago, you might have gotten an e-mail about somebody who liked monkeys. It was a chain letter of sorts, but it was also pretty funny and rather well-written (well, funny, anyways). Either way, you may find this fully compiled (and improved-upon) anecdote to be rather funny. Or maybe not.
Rejected Golden Books
These are the books that your parents didn't want you to read, the ones that taught you life-skills and things about the world that most people would probably consider better off ignored by youngsters, things like contraception and death and drug abuse. Thankfully, we're assuming everyone here has already learned about these things, and so...
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
The issue of decaying etiquette in the deep south is oft-discussed by both couples and family (when there's any distinction between the two), but until now there have been very few definitive guides to the subject. If you are a redneck, use this and be the classiest redneck in town. (Yippee.)
Ballad of OJ Simpson
A little song parody, sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer". With apologies to the Bob & Tom Show, mainly because I don't want to be sued for money that I don't have in the first place. (Yeah, OJ jokes are old. But who cares?)
Our Boss Jeff
Another song parody, this time of Semisonic's "Closing Time". With definite apologies to 96.5 WTIC, although if Jeff ever browses across this I'll be apologizing again... (Unlikely for a technophobe, but hey, best cover all my bases.)
The 12 Days of a Sliders Christmas
A joint effort between my cousin Jessy "Scully" Esak and myself, based off of the now-defunct sci-fi show Sliders. 'Tis the season to be sliding...
The 12 Days of an X-Files Christmas
Scully and I join forces again to take on the show from whence she derived her nickname, and the result is this. Proof, perhaps, that some things are better left covered up. (Gillian Anderson not being one of them. ;)
 (Being the bouncer of the café, Olaf considers himself law enforcement. Any excuse to beat people up.)
Top 10: Signs your police force is out to get you
Yes, snipers posted on the roof of your neighbor's house and SWAT teams right outside your parking garage are good indicators, but these are the more subtle signs.
Top 10: Signs your English teacher isn't up to speed
Have you ever had an English teacher that seemed a little... well, BAD? If you noticed these signs, you might have been right (or they might have been from Massachusetts)...
aptitude tests
 (Perhaps we need an "arrogant" test sometime in the near future?)
To explain: ET Aptitude Tests are designed to help you determine what adjectives (usually negative) should actually be used for you. So the next time somebody calls you a name, you can wave the test in front of them and they'll never be able to use it again. (Waving the test will prompt a slew of new names, granted, but it's an inexact science.) There's a more thorough description at the top of each test. With no further adieu:
- Lazy Aptitude Test
- Pervert Aptitude Test
transformer jokes
 (Having no sense of humor, Fenrir is extremely insulted by this category.)
Things that don't happen on Transformers
Inspired by Euan Bowen's "Things you don't see..." lists, here's a quick list on a few things you will NEVER see in a Transformers episode... though you might want to see them.
Things that don't happen on Beast Wars
The logical follow-up to the above list, here are some things that the next generation of Transformers will never do... but might be better off if they did...
Stormcloud's Comedy Routine
Once upon a time, Beast Wars Anonymous hosted comedy routines and such for anyone who cared to praticipate. Needless to say, that didn't last very long. But, my routine was salvaged and updated, and now stands as a triumph of... um... well, my ability to follow the herd, at any rate.
Transformers review Dances With Wolves
This film was a wonderful picture... and what better way to celebrate it than unloading upon with the Transformers?
 (Gryph is sick of South Park jokes.)
Until We Get Killed Too
A parody of "I'll Be There For You". Courtney Cox plays drums, Windcharger plays keyboard, the Decepticons play guitar, and Kenny dies (along with everyone else).
Top 10: BW Megatron's Pet Peeves by Blackbird
What gets the big purple (well, formerly big and purple) dude PO'd?
Top 10: Best (Worst?) Ways for Daniel to Die
Okay, so I'm no Ratbat. Here's one of my Top 10s, anyways.
Top 10s: Why it sucks to be Autobot/Decepticon leader
Sort of an elaboration of Autobots vs. Decepticons, this shows why you really DON'T want to be put in charge. (It also shows what I write when I'm evidently stoned out on enough pot to fill Rhode Island.)
Top 10s: Hot Rod Vs. Cheetor
Battle of the punks? I dunno. Just read it.
Top 10s: Starscream Vs. Terrorsaur
Like Hot Rod vs Cheetor above, this one has a G1 character facing their BW counterpart.
Top 10s: Kup vs. Tigatron
The senile Autobot attacks the Maximal's resident flower child. Hmm, interesting, yessss...
Top 10: Why Transformers is better than Power Rangers
We all know it's true, but here are the REAL reasons. (Not updated for iteration #547 of the Power Rangers... and I really don't plan to do so, either.)
Top 10: Unaired Transformers Episodes
Actually, this is a real one. I have some family in Rhode Island, and I got a look-see at what Hasbro didn't actually get aired. So... look for yourself!
| 
