Barbs, Bouquets Passed Out to MISL Dudes, Duds
by Dave Luecking (4/17/1988) St. Louis Post-Dispatch
The Major Indoor Soccer League season has ended, and we've seen the
last of the Steamers for a while, perhaps forever. The doors are closed.
The accounts are empty. The players' final paychecks are late.
So without further ado, we present the awards for the just-completed season.
Tom Bowers Award:
Named in honor of the Steamers' former majority owner and presented to the
little guys with little businesses, shallow pockets and big dreams, the
no-names who step forward to buy into professional soccer franchises.
To Steamers chairman of the board Joe Farrell, whose business is recruiting
doctors. Where do these guys come from?
Used Car Salesman Award:
To Bowers and his partners, who sold a group of smart businessmen
a lemon known as the Steamers. They lost millions in three years but sold out
before losing another million. The only thing missing was the plaid jacket.
Sap Award:
To Civic Center Corp., Emerson Electric, Sports Service Corp.,
General Dynamics, Southwestern Bell, May Department Stores,
Grey Eagle Distributors, General American Life Insurance,
CPI Corp, Professional Athletic Rehabilitation Center,
Stifel Financial Corp. and Facility Management of Missouri,
who threw away $1.5 million to buy the Steamers
All Pro Award:
To Steamers forward Poll Garcia, who was traded from Los Angeles last year
and traded California sunshine for whatever we call this St. Louis weather,
sucked it up and had his best season.. One only wishes that Godfrey Ingram
had a similar attitude.
Baby Award:
To Ingram, the unhappy forward who spent about one month with the Steamers.
Ingram not only got off on the wrong foot by saying he didn't want to be
here, but he got mad at trainer Jim Wright for not having baby oil available
to rub on his legs for practice and games.
Neil Lomax Award:
In honor of the Gridbirds quarterback who was not the only professional
athlete in St. Louis with fewer endorsements than Fredbird. Shared by all
the Steamers players, who have neither endorsements nor shoe contracts.
Slobo Ilijevski bought Polo shirts from Famous-Barr to use as his
goalkeeper jerseys.
Kevin Horrigan Award:
Given for poor promotions and named in honor of the Post-Dispatch columnist.
To the Baltimore Blast, who copied Horrigan's idea for a cow-milking contest at halftime.
Ozzie Smith Award:
Presented to anyone who uses uncanny gymnastics ability on the field.
To the San Diego Sockers midget forward Paul Dougherty, who does a backflip
after every goal.
In Your Face Award:
Also known as the Tatu Award, in honor of the Dallas forward who strips off
his shirt after scoring. To Dougherty. Are the theatrics really necessary?
Angelo DiBernardo Award:
Given to the Steamers player who makes the least contribution and
earns the most money. Named in honor of the former player who was
paid $155,000 and played only six games last season because of a bad
back. To the last of the original Steamers, Tony Bellinger, who had
the misfortune of breaking his foot and missing the season after signing a
guaranteed contract.
Dance King Award:
To Nebo, who was spied at a local night spot while laid up with a sprained
knee that eventually was operated on.
Mr. Video Award:
To Steamers assistant coach Neil Cohen, who became quite proficient with a
video tape machine. Cohen sent many tapes of bad officiating to the league
office. It is hoped he edited out the bad parts - the Steamers bad play.
Trojan Horse Award:
Given to the guy who came up with the award - Julie Veee of the San Diego
Sockers. Last year, Veee said Pecher and Sam Bick were so old and slow that
they were like Trojan Horses. Anyone who saw Veee play in St. Louis last
week knows that he's old and slow himself.
Linguist Award:
To Farrell, who said the owners' take-it-or-leave it proposal to the
players union was not an ultimatum. Then what was it?
Marriott Travel Award:
To the San Diego Sockers, who embarrassed themselves twice at the Marriott
in Wichita, Kan. On one trip, Veee was found walking naked in a hallway.
On another trip, the players partied, got out of hand and sent Dougherty, bound and
naked, to the lobby in an elevator.
Shoe Award I:
To Veee. After being locked out of his hotel room in the buff, Veee asked
the man who saw him: "Excuse me, sir. I have lost my shoes. Have you seen them?"
Shoe Award II:
To Steamers rookie defender Steve Trittschuh. Young Trittschuh lost his
shoe during a game and played several minutes as Steve Trittschuh-less.
Retirement Award:
To former Steamers president Bing Devine, who at age 70 added years to his life by
getting out with his health.
Sheik Award:
To Yehia Ben Saed, who said he was a Saudia Arabian sheik, made outrageous
claims about his personal wealth, and offered to buy the Minnesota Strikers.
He disappeared as quickly as he had appeared.
Gene Upshaw Award:
In honor of the National Football League union chief who alienated the
owners during negotiations. To John Kerr, MISL Players' Association director,
who did the same thing.
Captain Steamer Award:
Given to the most dedicated member of Steamers family. To Tony Glavin,
who despite his shortcomings as a coach and a leader of men - he expected
21 Tony Glavins and failed to realize he's the one and only - worked his
tail off, displaying the same work-ethic as he showed as a player.
Maybe he tried too hard.
Survivors Award:
Presented to the Steamers' front-office employees who survived layoffs
and kept the ship running until the end of the season.
They are: Joan Lonergan, Patti Bathe, John Costello, Greg Zink,
Jean Tornetto, Linda Mitchell and Mike Sanger.
Nice Guy Award:
Shared by all the Steamers players, who are hard-working, regular guys, unspoiled by the huge amounts of money doled out in other sports.
Of course, there's not much money to be doled out.
Great American Award:
To a Yugoslavian, Slobo Ilijevski, who went out of his way to visit former Post-Dispatch reporter Arnold Irish before Irish moved to Minnesota.
Irish, who covered the Steamers, retired three years ago after suffering a stroke.
Slobo Award:
For the first time, Ilijevski does not win the coveted award named in his honor, for the most quotable quote.
This year's winner is MISL publicist Kevin O'Keefe, who reported doing business as usual last week despite owner-union
negotiations. Said O'Keefe, in Sloboesque form: "We have to go on like we're going on."
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