Internet Board of Disease Control


TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus.
It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease.
ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple "Fuc|< you" or "Hey baby, wanna cyber?".
It appears to be predominent in WebTV users, but has recently been detected in the PC and MAC community.

Amusing as this may sound, this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms. Please look them over carefully.
If you have any of these, notify this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms. The onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.
PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!
     
     
  1. KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason. 

    2.  
  2. WOOHOO-ITIS: The uncontrollable urge to say WooHoo! to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature
    (may be a result of overactive woohoo-mones).

    3.  
  3. HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private room.

    4.  
  4. P.T.P.D. (POST TRAMATIC POPUP DISORDER): Loss of ALL popups due to reformat\crash or inability to BACKUP due to ignorance.

    5.  
  5. HORIZONTAL RETNAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that doesn't scroll up. 

    6.  
  6. LOSS OF FINGERNAILS. If ya got `em, chew `em.

    7.  
  7. BEDPAN COMPLEX: Having a bucket next to the computer because of paranoia of missing ONE little thing. 

    8.  
  8. CYBER TOURETTE SYNDROME: The random screaming of obscenities every time you get booted from your ISP.

    9.  
  9. RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

    10.  
  10. VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and take the dog out for a walk,
    all before your last comment leaves the screen. 

    11.  
  11. SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep over 48 hours because "you're on a ROLL".

    12.  
  12. CYBER ANNOREXIA: Going without food for days because you just met a new mate.

    13.  
  13. SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words, ie: GMTA=Great Minds Think Alike.

    14.  
  14. NICK IDENTITY CRISIS: Anxiety caused by net splits on IRC when you can't recover your nick quicky enough,
    thinking your friends may (GASP!) wonder if you got dissed. 

If you encounter any of these symptoms, feel free to contact me.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,

Dr. Rhee "Pete" O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

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