What I didn't know did hurt me. Not knowing that our family wasn't compassionate, supportive, protective and loving did hurt me. Desparation seems to set in as a child when these attributes of a healthy family aren't present. A young person can be coerced into thinking that they are not lovable--and will do what it takes to get what they think is love.
This is a particularly painful topic. Because of the way my emotions were formed as a child, tendencies to think that every blamable situation was my fault were prevelant. I had to fix everything. The fact is, my parents were the ones to be responsible for the physical and emotional health of our family--NOT ME!! (a little anger there, sorry) So why was the stage set so, that as a very young child, I was the one who felt this responsibility? What were the factors that set the stage of abuse in my life.....
I am in the process of reading a book written by a survivor. He is a respected and godly man who has his M.Div. and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. God has led him in the direction of counseling abuse victims specifically. He talks about "the emptiness of the home." For some, this may not have been the case, but for many and for me it was.
This is a paraphrase of what he writes. **How can a child survive is she admits that her life was totally in the control of someone who would NOT protect her against harm nor provide for her legitimate relational nourishment. The emptiness is usually denied because the child has nothing to compare it to. Her home life is all she knows! In most cases, the relational "emptiness" is all she ever new and so accepted it and viewed it as normal.** Proverbs 27:7 says it well, "He who is full loathes honey, BUT TO THE HUNGRY EVEN WHAT IS BITTER TASTES SWEET." The routine of how the family functioned on a daily basis is what the child views as normal even if normal is bizarre, abusive or evil. More times than not, the family, prior to the abuse happening, was a festering sore where sin and emptiness were allowed to spread and become a normal part of life. God designed us to desire stability, intimacy and respect. You may have learned, as I did, to accept the abuse as "normal," but a still quite voice at some point has whispered strange but clearly true words that the abuse that was taking place IS NOT NORMAL.
What I didn't know did hurt me. I was not able to recognize what "normal" was. One of the first questions I asked the one who counseled me was, "What is normal." I had no idea what "normal" was or how to recognize it. The only way I made it as far as I did, before I knew God, was by watching those who I thought might be relationally healthy. It worked to a great degree, but now God is leading me and teaching me what His righteousness is and how a real family is meant to be.
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