The feelings you have with regard to touch are not uncommon to childhood sexual abuse survivors. I too have had to deal with issues regarding touch; although, I can only relate to you my feelings as I have experienced them and have learned from them--hoping and praying that you may find strength and comfort. Forgive me if this gets quite lengthy, but it is a passion and comes from the bottom of my heart.
Hugging someone has always been a problem for me and something I work on daily. It seemed too intimate and threatening and made me feel as if I was allowing someone to have more of a "right" to me than what they should and somehow made me feel out of control. I didn't trust myself to know what was right and what was wrong with regard to touching. My thinking was so mixed up when it came to knowing if it was a righteous touch or a touch that was going to hurt me. This doesn't sound logical, but then again, as a survivor knowing what was normal seemed a distant realization. I needed to refocus my touching idea into not thinking about what it was doing to me when someone who I knew loved me touched me--but knowing how it was affecting the other person. Godly, righteous touching is for the other person more than it is for ourselves. As Christians we learn about God touching our hearts and souls. That is a gift to us. When Jesus healed a person he touched not only their hearts spiritually but touched their body physically many times, such as when he healed the blind man by putting mud on his eyes. We were created for righteous touching. It is a major way that we comfort one another and let one another know that we are important to each other. The unfortunate thing is, as with most things in the world, satan has corrupted what God has meant to be beautiful. As we grow in the Lord, we come to slowly realize that without the comfort of a mother's touch, father's hearty hug, or a brothers pat on the back, our view of ourselves can be confused into thinking that we are not "worth" touching. For a survivor the hard part is re-learning our feelings of righteous touch as God intended.
Here is an example from my life right now. I have two teenaged sons (16 & 13). They are at the age now where they have become aware of sexual and non-sexual touching. This is also the age my brothers, etc., were when they were abusing me. It is difficult to give my sons Ricky and Ryan motherly hugs and pats without having a sickening, unexpressable feeling deep down inside myself that reminds me of my abuse. But here's where the line is drawn for me. In order to get past this issue in my life I must trust the Lord and myself in knowing that Ricky and Ryan need my "touch" no matter what their age. God has dealt with me on this. That no matter what I feel when I hug them, the hug is not about me--it is about them feeling the love that they need and deserve from me through my righteous hugs, pats and kisses. That's not to say that God overlooks my feelings of uncomfortableness. He certainly does not. But I need to go through the motions to give Him something to work with in healing this part of my life. My healing is slow, but the love my children need is now. God will heal in the timing He knows I need; He also gives me strength to give my children, husband, family and friends what they need from me. That's one example; there are others; it's not easy! Much prayer is needed for strength, surrender and patience.
It is fantastic that you seem to have a handle on your intimate relationship with your husband. That is a true and wonderful blessing. He is a blessed husband to have a wife who is confident that the Lord has given her a husband she can trust to touch her properly and that you are one in Christ. You are blessed to know that you can give to him the intimate relationship he deserves because you love him. You have made him the priority in your "touching" relationship with him and have taken the emphasis off of yourself, as it should be in a husband-wife relationship and as God's Word testifies in I Corinthians chapter 7. This is a mile-stone in the healing process for any survivor.
Regarding your children, I can feel in your email how much you love them, even the little boy in your womb now. Remember healing is mostly babysteps. If you haven't already, teach your children right touching and wrong touching as God teaches us in His Word and as God teaches us to respect ourselves and others. This helps you to feel greater, godly, parental control over how they touch others and how they will respond when others touch them. They will learn also from how you allow them to touch you and how you respond when they touch you. This builds trust and proper "touching" relationships for both you and your children. As they grow and mature they will be thankful and blessed that they had a mother who loved the Lord, taught them right from wrong touching, and taught them that relationships between men and women are sacred--that the sexual relationship is sacred. They will seek to surround themselves with people who respect them because you taught them proper perspective. How blessed and loved your children are.
My prayer for you and other survivors is that God will give us wisdom and love in dealing with the people He has put into our lives.
Oh, and before I forget, here is the title of a book that has helped me immensely in dealing with my abuse: "The Wounded Heart: Hope for Childhood Sexual Abuse Victims" by Dr. Dan Allender. (There is also a workbook that goes along with it.) He is a Christian psychologist who is also a sexual abuse survivor. You can order it through your local Christian bookstore or order it online through christianbook.com (CBD).
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