Denial can be overwhelmingly and unrecognizably strong. In my own personal experience, the symptoms of my abuse were very pronounced due to the deep state of denial I was in.
My body and mind reacted to the abuse in my life in a very peculiar way. The symptoms began when the abuse started at 8 years of age. My means of coping with the abuse was played out in a life of extreme paranoia and fantasy that intensified even further after the abuse stopped when I was 12 years old. Periodically my mind would become numbingly disillusioned and unable to know reality. When looking in a mirror it would seem as if I was seeing a shell of a person, as if my soul was on the outside looking in. Sexual abuse can cause your soul to become devoid of who you were really meant to be. Panic attacks were a part of daily life. Waking up in the middle of the night, out of control, was not unusual. Disoriented and hyperventilating, I would have to call my mother into my room just to see someone familiar. Many nights fear took grip, and feelings of wanting to hurt myself took over.
Married at the age of 18; first child at 20; second child at 24--coping was not getting easier. There were nights I would wake up broken out in a cold sweat, disoriented and not trusting what I might do next. I was fearful of being along with my own children. I would never hurt them!! I was out of control to the point that I was afraid that I might hurt myself. I couldn't bare for my children to be witnesses to such a horrible act. Thoughts of causing harm to myself were frequent. My marriage was on the brink of divorce. I thought hope was totally lost. (First my soul, now hope--or was that visa/versa?) Unknowingly, denial was firmly implanted, and the symptoms of abuse had taken a strong hold. I knew in my mind that "bad" things had happened, but I was not able to see the connection of my symptoms and the abuse; therefore, I was powerless over the healing process. You can't heal until you get to the root of the cause and dig it out.
About 6 years ago, I opened the door for healing to come into my life. Dramatic change took place. A godly and respected friend recognized that my symptoms related back to past trauma, and I have been on the road of "HOPE" ever since. When you are in a state of denial, you almost always attribute the bizarre, off-the-wall, bad or harmful behavioral sypmtoms to something other than the abuse because you are in a state of denial. Denial keeps you from recognizing your symptoms and therefore from healing. As long as I was being kept in that state of mind, all I could feel was sorry for myself, anger, frustration, mistrust and resentment. The coping mechanism was a "way" to try and keep it all under control. There are many other symptoms of denial--eating disorders, depression, physical abuse, emotional abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual dysfunction, self-mutilation, all kinds of phobias, etc., etc. Relating styles can also fall into the symptom category.
If you have had similar experiences or want to talk, please email me using the link below. I sincerely look forward to talking with you. My HOPE! Future Topics Contact Me |
