Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It is always darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, then that is the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It is not important unless you are not getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake - or you fart.
Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you do not succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Do not squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything.
If you drink, do not park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Do not worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you are not learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We all are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
