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For all of you who occasionally have a REALLY bad day when you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk one day when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely, saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is John Smith. May I speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe someone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's number and called her. She had accidentally transposed the last two numbers. After I had talked to Robin I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or was having a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer and I'd say, "You're a jackass!" It would cheer me up.
Then the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment to me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number. When the jackass said, "Hello?" I made up a name and said, "Hi, this is so-and-so in the sales office of the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program."
He yelled, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" and hung up.
The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if there's ever something really bothering you, you can always do something about it.
Read on. It gets better.
I was at the mall one day looking for a parking space. Finally, I spot this little old lady pulling out of one. She really took her time about it. I didn't think she'd ever get out. So I backed up to give her a little more room. Her car began to move slowly. "Great," I thought, "She's finally leaving." When she cleared the space I started forward. All of a sudden, this black Camaro, going the wrong way up the parking aisle, pulled into the empty space. I started honking my horn and yelled, "Hey! You can't just do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in the world." I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of the car with his telephone number on it. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I was sitting home paying my bills. I had just gotten off the phone with the first guy after calling him and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It was really easy to call him after I put his number on my speed dialer.) when I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk. I thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello. Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is." he answered.
"Can you tell me where I can see it again?" I asked.
He answered, "Yeah, I live at 1802 West 34th St. It's a yellow house and the car is parked out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"Don Hanson."
"What's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening."
"Listen, Don. Can I tell you something?"
"Go ahead."
I yelled, "Don, you're a jackass!" and slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me. Now, when I had a problem, I had TWO jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave this problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I speed dialed Jackass #1. After he answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He asked, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hanson."
He said, "Where do you live?"
I answered, "1802 West 34th St. It's a yellow house with a black Camaro parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, buddy. You better start saying your prayers." he said.
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" I said, and hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, Jackass!" and stayed on the line.
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I interrupted, "You'll what?"
He said, "I'll kick your butt!
I said, "Well, here's your chance! I'm coming over right now, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to the Channel 4 newsroom to tell them about the gang war going on in the 1800 block of West 34th Street and I was done.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to West 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter and the entire incident being televised by a TV news crew.
I got the whole thing on tape from my VCR off the 11 o'clock news.
