Best Fruitcake Ever

Ingredients:

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
Nuts
1 tsp baking soda
1 or 2 quarts whiskey

Preparation:

BEFORE YOU START, SAMPLE THE WHISKEY TO CHECK FOR QUALITY. GOOD, ISN'T IT? NOW GO AHEAD. SELECT A LARGE MIXING BOWL, MEASURING CUP, ETC. CHECK THE WHISKEY AGAIN, AS IT MUST BE JUST RIGHT. TO BE SURE THE WHISKEY IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY, POUR ONE LEVEL CUP INTO A GLASS AND DRINK IT AS FAST AS YOU CAN. REPEAT--. WITH AN ELECTRIC MIXER, BEAT 1 CUP OF BETTER IN A LARGE FLUFFY BOWL. ADD 1 TSP OF THUGAR AND BEAT AGAIN. MEANWHILE, MAKE SURE THAT THE WHISKEY IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY. DRY ANOTHER TUP. OPEN SECOND QUART IF NECESSARY. ADD 2 ARGE LEGGS, 2 CUPS FRIED FRUIT AND BEAT TILL HIGH. IF DRUIT GETS STUCK IN BEATERS, JUST PRY IT LOOSE WITH A DREWSCRIVER. SAMPLE THE WHISKEY AGAIN, CHECKING FOR TONSCISTICITY. NEXT SIFT 3 CUPS OF SALT OR ANYTHING, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. SAMPLE THE WHISKEY. SIFT 1/2 PINT LEMON JUICE. FOLD IN CHOPPED BUTTER AND STRAINED NUTS. ADD 1 BABBLESPOON OF BROWN THUGAR, OR WHATEVER COLOR YOU CAN FIND AND WIX MEL. GRESE OVEN AND BURN CAKE PAN TO 350 GREDEES. OW POUR THE WHOLE MESS INTO THE COVEN AND AKE. CHECK THE WHISKEY AGAIN AND BO TO GED.