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Stage 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have to work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Stage One you think to yourself "Oh, come on. This is silly. Why, as long as I get seven hours of sleep," (snaps fingers), "I'm cool."
Stage 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but, at Stage Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for, anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours of sleep," (snaps fingers), "I'm cool."
Stage 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At Stage Three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey, fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever! We could do it! Tommy, you could cook!"). But at Stage Three, that devil is a little bit bigger - and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, now. As long as I get three hours of sleep - and a complete change of blood - ," (snaps fingers), "I'm cool."
Stage 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is tending bar. For last call you ordered a bottle of rum and Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time, on the way to the bathroom, you punch out the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face. And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen!" You and your friends decide to leave (right after you get thrown out), and one of your friends knows where there is an after-hours bar. And here, at Stage Four, you actually think to yourself, "Well, as long as I'm only going to get a few hours of sleep anyway, I might as well STAY UP ALL NIGHT! Yeah! That'll be good for me! I don't mind going to that staff meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me! And besides, as long as I get 31 hours of sleep tomorrow - cool!"
Stage 5:
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back from the tattoo parlor ("But I don't KNOW anybody named Ruby!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who look as they've been in prison as recently as - that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell - at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liqueur, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches walks over, and you think to yourself, "Someday, I'm going to marry that girl!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!" - and passes out. You crawl up outside for some fresh air and then you hit the worst part of Stage Five - the sun. You weren't expecting that, were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in broad daylight, and you see people on their way to work or jogging. And they look at you - and they KNOW! And they ask, "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest. If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "And this time I mean it!"
