The Smallest Church in North America--Where Folks Rub Elbows With God

I've always been very fond of Jesus, and so when Bob told me about the smallest church in North America, I got pretty excited. I don't know where he heard about it, but I'd be willing to guess that some habitue of Jim Collins sloshed it over the counter in lieu of a tip. It had been some time since I'd been to any type of church, so reviving my religious education at the smallest church in North America seemed appropriate enough (the last time I went to church I was invited to a Baptist revival by my parole officer, and I felt compelled to go for obvious reasons. It involved foot washing and hand holding and a lot of rather disconcerting speaking in tongues). This is not to say I lack a sense of spirituality, after all, I, too, watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network when I drink beer, but I was out of practice, and here was an opportunity which offered all the excitement and fulfillment of a real pilgrimage. Thus, several Sundays ago, I pulled myself out of bed before noon, washed my face, and headed down to pick up my friends, Bob, Connie and Bill.

When I arrived at Connie's apartment, everyone was naked. I, sadly, was not able to witness this first hand. Connie had craftily put on a robe before opening the door, and Bob fled to the shower as soon as the doorbell rang. Some time was spent in smoking cigarettes, watching a documentary about Johnny Cash and futile attempts to locate a photographer. We discussed the previous night's drinking escapades, and Bob selected a hat. It was around two o'clock.

Continuing in the day's theme of naked sinning, Bill and his companion (I'll leave the detail of this person's name to your own salacious imagination) were lolling about in bed without a stitch to cover their shame. In fact, when Bill's companion peeked through the window to determine whether or not we would be allowed entrance, I'm almost certain I got the briefest glimpse of a breast. Others later maintained that this was imaginary, but I'm going to stick by my memory on this one.

Bill, in what appeared to me to be an attempt to stay in bed for the rest of the day, offered up the lamest of excuses for his inability to participate--work. Of course, none of us believed this, but we politely pretended to do so. Bill's companion's roommate cheerfully gathered supplies for a day's frolic on the beach as the excuse slowly unwound from Bill's bashful and exertion flushed head. We cajoled him for a while until that became boring and then we bid Bill and his bed goodbye. All of this sinful behavior had cast something of a inauspicious pall over our pilgrimage, but we marshaled our spirits across the street to the grocery store and bought some bottled sausage and Dorritos for the long drive ahead and a disposable camera for the purposes of documenting our journey. We were on the verge of three o'clock before I actually nosed my Toyota into traffic and headed out of town.

Luckily, Bob had thought ahead and brought along a free adult classified newspaper for the purposes of our entertainment. Connie and I cheerfully listened to all the pornographic possibilities that could be ours at the drop of a credit card. Listed in this educational publication were prisoners who wanted pen pals. It was then that we struck upon the possibility of a female prison columnist for the magazine. At the time it seemed like a brilliant idea, and we tentatively agreed to call the column "Bed Knobs and Broomsticks" (for those of you interested, none of our candidates have replied to the call as of yet).

In order to reach the church, one must take I-95 south to the Coastal Highway exit and drive toward Brunswick. Our directions, albeit a bit more precise than that, left us feeling a little unsure. This was, after all, the smallest church, and so, after driving along the beautiful housing of the Coastal Highway where every trailer seems to have its own Coke machine, we were afraid that we might have unknowingly passed it by. Bob and I decided that we would send Connie into the scariest truck stop we could find and get directions. It did not take long before one came along. Many trucks idled outside in the parking lot, and the door had a sign which demanded that one must wear either shoes or shirt for service. Connie had all the clothes for the job. Bob and I took some pictures and idly tossed rocks at passing cars. Some time later Connie reemerged with a wild-eyed story about a Jabba-the-Hutt-looking character who was sitting at the counter wearing no shirt and shoveling eggs into his mouth with a fork in either hand. A nice waitress, however, gave her the directions we needed and called her honey, which appeared to have had something of a pacifying effect on her after seeing Jabba. We continued on, realizing, as all pilgrims must, that many obstacles lie on the road to spiritual enlightenment.

Tucked back a couple hundred yards from the highway in a grove of live oaks, the smallest church in North America wasn't quite as small as we expected. It is small--ten by fifteen feet--but I had imagined it was going to be about the size of those plastic children's playhouses you can purchase at K-Mart. This is simply not the case. The church is white and has the requisite bell and steeple and beautiful stained glass window. Inside, the chapel smells like a moist and poorly ventilated basement. A note on the wall warns vandals and thieves that God has no truck with their type and divine punishment will follow any criminal activity. Secreted away beneath the pulpit is an ancient photo album with pictures and notes from all those who have in some way been touched by their experiences in the chapel (Bob poked and prodded around for a while in a very convincing imitation of one of those reprobates that the note was directed toward; however, I will bear witness to the fact that nothing left the church except our happy souls). These messages from other pilgrims were many and various and often illegible. One missive even appeared to have been written in Serbo-Croatian.

The church was built in 1949 by Agnes Harper, a rural grocer, who was determined to leave behind some small mark on the world for posterity. After years of setting aside funds from her small business, she bought the land and made the deed out in Jesus' name. It has since become a popular tourist stop for those traveling to and from Florida along I-95.

The church's motto, "Where folks rub elbows with God," is also pasted up on the wall along with instructions for those friendless couples whose marriage parties can fit inside the chapel. Judging from the pictures in the pulpit album, this seems to be a popular place to hold nuptials (for more information about this call Effie Gray Young at: (912)-437-6671 .

While Bob urinated in the trash strewn swamp behind the church, I tried to coerce Connie into allowing me to snap off some naked photos of her preaching. She was frustratingly reluctant in this matter. I took consolation in ringing the miniature bell. Bob came back, and we drove home to drink beer. If this seems like an anti-climax, it was.

In a post-script, some weeks later I learned through the beer vine that the smallest church in North America is also a popular spot for drunk and lusty Savannahians enjoy physical congress. Although this rumor is unverified, if you make the lengthy and perilous journey out along the Coastal Highway to worship, I suggest knocking before you enter.

BLOTTER

While on patrol, Police noticed that a man poking around the bushes surrounding Forsyth Park was wearing no trousers. When asked why this was the case, he told the officers that the trousers contained several pork chops and that he had hid them earlier so that his wife would not take them.

After the fire dept. arrived at a house in Thunderbolt which was not burning, the woman who made the call explained that she'd repeatedly heard someone screaming, "Fire!" This was later determined to be the neighbor's son who was singing boisterously along with the ACDC song "For Those About to Rock."

A man on Congress Street called police when he found what he believed to be a human testicle in a flower pot. Police forensics have not yet attained conclusive results.

A young man living on the southside called police and reported that his room mate had killed his pet cat, tied him to a chair, and forced him to eat a stir fry made using the cat's haunches and snow peas. On further examination, however, he did admit that it was a rather tasty dish.

HORRORSCOPES

Aries: Stop baiting your neighbor's pot bellied piglets; one day they will be strong enough to jump the chain link. Keep in mind that they have very sharp teeth and cold snouts.

Taurus: Remember that thing you found in your Grape Nuts this morning that you ate because it looked like a peanut? Well, it wasn't a peanut.

Gemini: Saturn in Taurus warns that you should be solicitous towards those who may be inclined to lick you today. And, for God's sake, stop wearing that purple sweater.

Cancer: The stars have nothing to say to you. Your life is boring and meaningless, and you are not bound to follow the old dictum about suicide. Listen to the songs of Ozzy Ozborne. You may find they are strangely applicable to your life.

Leo: Feel around behind the base of your toilet. There is a surprise waiting for you.

Virgo: Quit huffing Scotch Guard before it's too late. Also, as odd as it may seem, the talking Hellman's jar that you've been hallucinating gives fairly solid advice. It would serve you well to follow what it says concerning your neighbor's daughter.

Libra: That little itch should tell you something.

Scorpio: Stop smiling at that co-worker two cubicles down, they're quietly preparing a sexual harassment suit against you. On a separate note, your mother lied; you are adopted.

Sagittarius: Continue drinking in a steady and rapid fashion despite what anyone says to the contrary. You really are much more charming when drunk.

Capricorn: You will marry the next person whose bed you fall into unconscious, so choose your drinking establishments with care unless you want your children to be Army brats.

Aquarius: It is never a good idea to pick your ear with a screwdriver; however, in your case, while Saturn is in Taurus, don't even look at the toolbox.

Pisces: Dogs and cats can mate on the street with a minimum of hassle, but the stars suggest that at the very least, you should keep away from cars and highway rest stops.

Why?

Because we're Minnesotans. We believe if it's too good to be true then it's too good to be true. And we trust people who dislike us. We listen to them. We elect them.

"Have you been to St. Paul? Whoever designed the streets must have been drunk. .... I think it was those Irish guys. You know what they like to do. "

(Ventura makes the drinky-drinky motion)

-Jesse Ventura on Letterman

After this monologue, St. Paul Mayor Norm Coleman and the outraged citizens of St. Paul sent Jesse a naughty-naughty gift basket of Tar, feathers and street map of Saint Paul. I'm sure after the kind of no-nonsense anger a gift basket can convey, Jesse will think twice before disrespecting St. Paul again.

He's insulted everybody. Young people, Old people, Democrats, Republicans. He's our Moose and we're his china shop. He even takes issue with children. When confronted on the steps of the Capitol by a single mother looking for tuition relief, Jesse Replied:

"Is it my fault you made a mistake? Is it my fault you married a bum?"

-Jesse Ventura to single mother

Now referring to the children of Minnesota as "Mistakes" will undoubtedly create a generation of reform party voters. A sort of Victims-Anonymous customer loyalty. Jesse is always thinking ahead. He's already received his first death threat. He's also had Sean Penn and Jack Nicholson to dinner at the Governors mansion and declared he's moving the state to unicameral legislature. Not bad for his first month.

Now having the Don Rickles of Governors spewing politically incorrect statements like a Tsumo wrestler with turrets syndrome isn't all bad. After all, is your Governor on the David letterman show? Did your governor dance in front of CNN cameras wearing a Boa at his inaugural ball? It's Pizzazz, it's showmanship, it's glitter. It's everything That Minnesota isn't. We've selected a snowmobile studded loud mouthed fancy boy enamored with his own voice to represent a legion of hard working, stoic, even-keeled people.

And we need him. We need him to light up the sky with his outrageous ideas and outspoken opinions. Let the mad caravan of this American life roll on. He's bringing us together. We hate him, we love him, but believe me, we talk about him. He's given us something to get angry about, something to cheer about. So we apologize for what he might say, what he might do to offend you, but it's nice to be noticed. If he ever does say something intelligent, the world will be watching. And let' s let the shivers run down our spine and remember he said in 1991:

Who knows? Maybe in the year 2000 it will be Jesse Ventura for president. Now wouldn't that be something to think about?"

-- Jesse Ventura, in a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous interview

Music for issue 1

As modern rock chases its own tail by inflicting such acts as New radicals and Marvelous 3 upon society that aim to become the next Kajagoogoo or Cheap Trick of their respective generation, there are still many reasons to hold out hope for the future of music. Surely, we have become inundated with musicians bent on creating musical hybrids like Latin-Ska or new wave power ballads in a response

to these post-modern times, but some of the following artists have mixed together the proper ingredients.

Sea and Cake frontman, Sam Prekop, has just released the finest soundtrack for lazy, spring

afternoons in the park as he incoprporates everything from bossanova to Sam Cooke to Slint into a series

of slinky songs that disprove the theory that indie-rock has no soul. Prekop effortlessly slides from syllable to syllable and makes you wonder how this stocky gentleman can turn up the heat faster than

Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" on a hot rainy, night.

Former Palace ringleader, Will Oldham, has christened himself with the nom de plume, Bonnie Prince

Billie, and has dug even deeper into the dark underbelly of Appalachian folk and the drug-addled country stylings of Gram Parsons and Skip Spence on his latest, Blue Lotus Feet. Much of this album draws upon

the haunted narratives perfected by Parsons on Grievous Angel and shows that Oldham can stretch beyond the ironic faux-hillbilly nonsense of earlier efforts.

On a totally different note, Alan Licht(Run On) and Loren Mazzacane Connors reach back to the dark,

paranoid fusion of Miles Davis' Dark Magus and Live/Evil on their latest collaboration, Hoffman Estates.

Marshalling Jim O'Rourke into the role Teo Macero played on Bitches Brew allows O'Rourke the

opportunity to take their improvisations beyond the realm of instrumental masturbation and allows the

musicians to gel properly.

For something completely different that will reshape the way you approach music, you could put on your swimming trunks and dive into Oval's Aero Daero Ep, which sounds like a computer slowly choking on its own data. Each track squelches, spits, and creaks as if technology was choking on its own spittle, but it somehow manages to provide one of the most strangely beautiful listening experiences this side of

Jupiter.

On a local note, Savannah favorites, Superhorse, have been recorded a demo stolen under the cloak of darkness as they occupy a mid-point between the Stooges debut album and the overblown epics of the Doors as they thankfully incorporate more Iggy Pop than that dick waving casualty of the 70's. It possesses enough swagger and attitude to overcome their 70's influences to win over the listener with their slow-burning tunes designed to raise a beer can rather than a teenage girl's libido.

Bill Cohen is a former English and Journalism teacher with a horrendous drinking problem that has been published or mentioned in such publications as Alternative Press, Badaboom Gramaphone, Magnet,

and Rolling Stone.

Stock music reviews

VARIOUS ARTISTS "Am I Metallica" (Seoul Records) SCORE: 92/100With all the hype and talk about tribute albums, and there's been quite a few Metallica homage discs lately, we thought we'd bring you a rather rare and quite interesting compilation CD. The most notable thing about this one, besides the various indecipherable Korean characters, is that all of the bands presented hail from Korea! The disc starts things out with a skull crushing version of "Blackened" by Crash, which utilizes quite vicious hardcore styled vocals. All the bands presented do manage to bring about interesting little variations on the basic song structure. Game Over had some cool tweaked intro riffs on 'Sad But True,' and C.O.B. (Children of Black?)took the mid part between the slower pace and the thrashy piece and added this amazing set of guitar riffs seemingly out of nowhere on 'One.' Genocide had a rather mellow take on 'Welcome Home' but the screeched vocals got a little hard to take. Also, those cookie monster sung growls on C.O.B.'s 'One' are rather hilarious, they're ALMOST really bad but you have to laugh. The highlight of this disc is a surprising BLACK METAL, yes I said it right, version of 'Fade To Black' by Kalpa, and utilizing the typical black vocals with a haunting wind sound and very well done keyboard orchestration. Finally there is a cover of 'Poor Twisted Me' which I have NEVER heard of, it must be a bonus track Metallica did for an import only release. Also, 'Ride The Lightning' by Noizegarden was very interesting, as it was slowed down quite a bit and the lead singer sounds a LOT like Glenn Danzig! Quite innovative, you are urged to hunt this one down just for the originality and new ideas these young bands present on a band who was obviously a great influence on them(except for Kalpa, one of their members proudly sports a Burzum T-shirt in addition to their rather comical use of corpse paint!)

GODHEAD "Power Tool Stigmata" (Sol 3 Recordings) SCORE: 90/100This industrial unit really surprises me, and though some may find on first glance that they resemble a more commercially alternative Nine Inch Nails type of band, you really have to listen to the whole album to recognize the raw talent Jason Miller and company have for adding elements of darkness and harsh sounds to an otherwise stale genre that has been perpetrated and abused by Trent Reznor and company. Utilizing for the most part vocals that are cleanly and emotionally SUNG rather than overtly distorted (though he does do THAT on songs like 'Penetrate' and 'Suffer') makes this quite interesting .Even the instrumental pieces are very interesting even if they don't do much for most people. Nevertheless, this CD has at least 5 or 6 great club pieces, most notably is a great club worthy version of the timeless Beatles classic' Eleanor Rigby.' 'Bleed,' 'Memorial,' and 'Alone' are just a few great songs that show us Jason understands how to write energetic industrial tunes that have a lot of emotion and energy which would make radio owners, club D.J.'s, and rabid industrial fans happy, at least those who don't think guitars are the forbidden elements to an industrial band's success. Staying just one step from commercial, yet embracing the elements of emotion make for a band who should get more recognition than they are getting, it's a shame I got to this one so late but better late than never in this case. 'Afterthoughts' ends this disc quite nicely in an almost danceable ballad style. The vocals will definitely please all.

SUN RA "We Travel the Spaceways/Bad and Beautiful" (Evidence Music) Part of a 5 CD set I received from Evidence Music (see Comprehensive Review below for more details) this contains recordings from two albums, both of which were originally issued on Saturn records between 1958-1961. Exact dates were unknown. There are 14 tracks on this CD, and while some of the songs are reminiscent of the 50's big band era, there are still many interesting and unusual tracks. There are vocals (vocals?) on tracks Interplanetary Music and We Travel the Spaceways, showing probably one of the first occurrences in which jazz has used vocals to back up the music. Some of the tracks are quite mellow, evident in the track Tapestry From an Asteroid, and the track New Horizons sounds like your typical jazz number but distorts the tone a bit by adding an off-key every 6th or 7th note. The piano arrangements are very nicely done, and the horn ensemble is sometimes the highlight of this disc. Like I said, it's jazz mostly, but there's so much variety and originality, it's hard to believe this was done in the late 50's/early 60's! 14 tracks here, there's something on this disc that will please everyone! If you're not a jazz fan, you might not appreciate this, but if you're open minded enough, you may enjoy Sun Ra. Other interesting tracks are the haunting arrangements on the track Ankh, and some rather unusual style bass on Search Light Blues Discover for yourself an artist nearly forgotten!

Hey, I gotta admit, I've always been a fan of Ozzy. This newest album showcases some surprisingly heavy riffs, especially on "Perry Mason" and "Thunder Underground." Ozzy's voice is still in good form, and it's a great album, he utilizes more of the symphonics that he portrayed in "No More Tears." It's interesting to note Rick Wakeman of Yes on keyboards, and it doesn't take away from the brilliant guitar work of Zakk Wylde. Also, Geezer Butler is laying down the bass tracks as well, and the whole unit works very well together! The slower numbers, like "See You on the Other Side," still retains a heaviness that is Ozzy without sounding lame and wimpy! A powerful album, well written, and showing the whole world that Ozzy Osbourne is back and STILL kickin' ass! MOTORHEAD "Sacrifice" (CMC International)It's a good thing that Motorhead still has a home, now on CMC International, a label that BELIEVES in its legends. And Motorhead is a legend, and on the sumpteenth album, There are a surprising amount of heavy, HEAVY thrash riffs, especially on songs like "Over Your Shoulder" and "Dog-Face Boy" (two of my favorites) and check out the interesting piano notes on "Don't Waste Your Time." Lemmy's voice is still virtually the same as you remember on his past albums, and lots of the songs sound like the Motorhead we all know and love. As I stated earlier, most of his songs sound heavier, even on the slower numbers like "Order/Fade to Black" and "War For War" where the riffs crank out ultra brutal notes for slow pieces, and the solos are still up to par. A couple of songs didn't do much for me, like "Sacrifice" and "Out of the Sun," but his lyrics are what always got to me. Especially the way he talks about love and sex and equates them with death and other 'hard' topics. Motorhead fans like myself will still be pleased at this latest effort, and those of you who haven't checked Lemmy and company out yet, now's a good time to do so!

STUCK MOJO "Pigwalk" (Century Media Records) SCORE: 94/100This CD is Stuck Mojo's second release, and what an infectious blend of rap,hip-hop, thrash and even a slight industrial influence, which is evident by the fact that Strapping Young Lad's Devin Townsend had a hand in the production of this album. Most all of the songs have a very heavy set of thrashy riffs, very catchy and it's one of the first things you notice about the album. The vocals are thrown down in a groove oriented, rap style, except for the track 'Despise,' where he does a few verses singing. 'Violated' and 'Down Breeding' have heavy industrial influences, but still retain the heavy guitar work, and the title track 'Pigwalk' has some ultra distorted vocals. Check out 'The Sermon' as well, a funny spoken word track that has to be heard to be believed! These guys have put out one outstanding record, and they're right in my backyard too! (they're from Atlanta, Georgia.)

W.A.S.P. "Still Not Black Enough" (Castle Communications) SCORE: 89/100Was wondering what happened to Blackie after the last WASP album "The Crimson Idol," and lemme say that WASP are back and strong as ever! Those of you that enjoyed such killer albums from the past like "The Last Command" and "WASP" asI did will find cuts like 'Still Not Black Enough,' 'Black Forever,' and 'Scared to Death' in that old school WASP style; heavy and this time around even injecting some melody throughout! On the downside, I thought there werejust a bit too many cover tunes, though 'Whole Lotta Rosie' sounds very kickass, and I even enjoyed 'Somebody to Love.' 'Keep Holding On,' however, isa ballad that has Blackie and another female vocalist on piano, rather a weak link for a WASP album (but still mellow enough to be enjoyable.) The trippyhighlight of this album was 'I Can't,' which starts off with Blackie singing along to an acoustic set of riffs, with a bluesy feel, but he gets quite vicious and intense midway through the song, with those trademark Blackie screams of his. Quite a kickass album, not quite perfect, but WASP fans will more than likely enjoy the power and intensity of this album, here's hoping for a full blown stage show and tour! VARIOUS ARTISTS "Operation Beatbox" (Re-Constriction Records) SCORE: 86/100Ahhh, yeah! As you may have noticed, we've incorporated a bit of rap into our ever growing list of musical influences. This compilation really got me thinking about how most of us found our "roots." For me, rap and hip hop was one of the first genres I ever got heavily into before I found metal. Run D.M.C., Beastie Boys, LL Cool J, and others were faves of mine, and represented here by many hardcore industrial artists. The CD starts out very explosive with Christ Analogue's version of 'Natural Born Killaz,' and other vicious cuts here are Terminal 46's version of 'Night of the Living Bassheads' and 'Fight the Power' by D.C.K. The dumbest cut on here was Battery's cover of' Gangsta's Paradise,' a rather 'wack' singing version of it. The two Run D.M.C. covers were rather cool, the best one being Institute of Technology's' King of Rock.' Highly recommended, as I said most of these covers are electronically enhanced, and some bands here use distorted vocals to add a heavier punch to these tunez. Fresh as a mo-fo! PAIN STATION "Anxiety" (Decibel Records) SCORE: 70/100The best thing about the CD was listening to the first 5 tracks through headphones! Especially tracks 'Empty,' 'Alone,' and 'Perversion' showcase some great ambient landscapes interlaid with heavy industrial beats and distorted notations! For you "industrial fanatics," you may be surprised to hear that, with one exception, there are hardly any guitars presented! My personal favorite tracks are 'Empty' and 'Alone,' simply because they mix a heavy beat, dance floor industrial riffs with melancholy, rather slow atmospherics. 'Alone' in particular is a rather moody song in itself. However, after track 5, the rest of the CD gets rather strange, mostly dealing with instrumental weirdness mixed with various vocal samples. Track 7, 'Hate,' is good though for its overall heaviness. I rather liked most of what I heard, though they could be a bit more consistent throughout. Listen through headphones to wrap yourself in the ambiance! DIATRIBE "Diatribe" (Re-Constriction Records) SCORE: 96/100After first hearing their kickass cover of 'Cold Sweat' on the Shut Up Kitty compilation, I was looking forward to hearing more, but unfortunately their two EP's were VERY disappointing. However, this release is EXACTLY what I expected from these guys, a kick ass four piece that uses a commercial sound inlaid with emotion and some brutal guitar riffs! 'Another Time' is easily the heaviest tracks and my personal favorite, however I have a hard time choosing favorites out of the others! Honorable mentions go to the track 'Four fifty-one' which has the group singing harmony at the beginning, kinda sounding like a psychedelic Beatles chant. 'Sister' is a rather slow, ballad style tune; very pretty and still danceable. Though this disc has a very mainstream sound ,it's not overridden with cliché lyrics, sounds, or material, in fact, the only thing that kept me from giving it a 100 was the track 'The Son,' which could have been a little better. one HOT industrial club item, VERY good, and damnit I've been waiting for a good album from Diatribe and they had to go and blow me away! Marc has a great voice, do yourself a favor and listen to the sound clips to see what I mean! Oh, and before I forget, there's a hidden track on here (it's track 22) that is rather weird! HACIENDA "Sunday Afternoon" (Eye-Q/Harthouse Records) SCORE: 100/100I guess I need to relay the story behind this one. One day, a friend of mine and I were driving along, smoking a rather tasty joint, and needed something mellow and trippy to listen to for that ultimate chill out feeling. Usually, Hawkwind's "Warrior on the Edge of Time" is used for this purpose, but for some reason I had this CD in my car instead. Both of us were quite blown away! THIS is the ultimate stoner's disc, and it's obvious that the German pioneers behind this ambient, trippy trance piece have let the smoke flow through their creative veins. 'Nightmare of Max' starts out with sandpaper scraping sounds ,to follow up with funky bass notes and cool little carnival organ sounds, man what a trip! We laughed our way through this one, and even 'Crazy Jason Spills My Bong' (told ya!) was a delight, with some wacky notations! For those who want to mellow out even further, check out 'Soho Dragee' that has some cool piano riffs flowing through, and the ultimate 'Plusch,' which incidentally, like most of the other tracks on this disc, make fantastic dance club tunez. 'Plusch' contains some cool saxophone riffs, the whole damn CD is just great! Next time you need something to relax and mellow out to, grab this one, if you don't you WILL be sorry! CHEMLAB "East Side Militia" (Fifth Column Records) SCORE:37/100I must say I'm rather disappointed in this follow up to the brilliant debut "Burn Out at the Hydrogen Bar." They have lost a lot of their edge and some of the harshness, though they have made a few good tracks. 'Pyromance' however is a good tune, though it is rather laid back and mellow. There isn't a whole lot of innovative guitar work here, there is still a strong industrial presence but it doesn't help much. 'Electric Molecular' and 'Exile on Mainline' have distorted guitar tracks but the song writing quality isn't up to par. 'Jesus Christ Porno Star' is also a halfway decent tune, probably the only track on here that is up to Chemlab standards. 'Pink' can pretty much be ignored as a "song" that has lots of spoken samples. I have yet to see them live, but here's to hoping their third full length will be better. INNER THOUGHT "Perspectives" (Dwell Records) SCORE: 88/100First off, check out the track 'Tortured.' Women like that have a way of making you want to kill them, don't they? Well, here's yer chance with the second full length release from these death metal pioneers from Canada! There are lots of surprising twists this time around, and the female vocals are back in force! Check out 'Rack of Lethargy' which is, for all practical purposes, a techno oriented song! They have the techno dance beats going for a couple of minutes before they break it down into a death metal tune. What surprises me most about this album is the use of dual style vox, one is low growling and kinda in the style of a band like Sinister, the other is very intense Lee Dorrian style but with longer duration, this Dennis guy is quite versatile! Listen to those double bass beats and overall exceptional drumming that at times you would swear is electronically enhanced! (Hell it may be for all I know!) There is SOMEONE doing a Jamaican reggae style voice on the track 'Autodogmatic.' I don't know who but it was very cool! The first few tracks, however, had rather standard arrangements, but I did like the guitar work throughout the rest of the disc! Very vicious, yet still finding a way to be a bit innovative! TEMPLEBEAT "Media sickness" (21st Circuitry Records) SCORE: 35/100I remember this band as an introduction to what the Dynamica label coined as "Metal-hacking industrial." Unfortunately, this release often drags itself down with droning riffs, and on 'Magick Patrol' and a few other places the vocalists' singing style gets annoying. 'Liberace' was rather enjoyable though ,it was upbeat and had really heavy guitar riffs and cool distorted vocals .'Gone With the Mind' had a certain heaviness as well, though it did sound rather Swamp Terrorists'ish. 'Words in Motion' was an okay track as well, but most of the other tracks were rather poor and basic, especially 'Magick Patrol.' Not a lot of work went into most of this I'm afraid. The better cuts from here are digitized for you to check out, they may be club worthy but I wouldn't buy the CD just for them. THE BLACK "The Priest of Satan" (Necropolis Records) SCORE: 92/100Okay, so this release is a little old, lots of what I got from Necropolis was rather old but still worthy of review. This band has a new release out that hopefully I'll review next issue. Anyway, on to the tunes, I must say that this is one up and coming black metal band! What really impressed me is on tunez like 'Lady Lilith,' 'Black Blood,' and 'The Priest of Satan' there are so many killer old school thrash style riffs, and many of them slow paced as well! The intro to 'Lady Lilith' sounded a lot like Bulldozer's 'Heaven's Jail' from their "IX" album (though reworked to sound different) and I could hear definite influences from everything of Kreator, Voivod, Slayer, Venom and the like! Vocals are killer screams, 'Sign of the Evil Spirit' showcases some of Rietas' handiwork. 'The Black Opal Eye' started out slow with haunting keyboard overtones, and though they do use keyboards a little, the guitar work is THE dominant factor here! My one complaint, besides the track 'Book of Leviathan' being a little below par for a band of this caliber, is the cheesy wolf howls that were sampled. Other than that it was quite vicious, and I would have to brand this the black metal punk album, for the fact that the average length of a song is no more than 2 or 3 minutes! 38 minutes for 12tracks, doesn't that beat Slayer's "Reign in Blood" time/track ratio? VOIVOD "Negatron" (Mausoleum Records) SCORE: 90/100Hail the return of the kings! After Celtic Frost's downfall, Bathory's change in style (and I didn't say it was a BAD thing) and Kreator seeming to lean towards industrial tendencies, it's good to see Voivod herald a return to the brutality of their older days of "War and pain" and "RRROOOAAARRR" but this album still has all the technical intricacy of "Killing Technology" and beyond! Their new vocalist is very vicious, and believe it or not sounds very similar to their old vocalist! They ARE back down to a three piece, which they believe is the best format to present their style in. What can I say? Songs like 'Reality' and 'Insect' (you HAVE to see the full screen video for this song, included as a CD-Rom track on this CD) have heavy choppy riffs, and that singer dude Eric really has a lot of power. 'Nanoman' is a rather heavy sing along hit, and the title track is a creepily slow, but powerful track in its own right! It gets rather weird towards the end, but one cannot deny that Voivod have stayed true while still evolving in their own little universe. DO check out that CD-Rom video, it blew me away! THE EXPLOITED "Beat the Bastards" (Triple X Records) SCORE: 79/100Here's the deal: they're not really the punk band you knew back in the 80's.In fact I really can't call their music punk anymore, this is more like hardcore. Their songs are much heavier, faster, and longer. Another change in the band is the lineup, which now brings in Wattie's brothers. There is a slight sign of Wattie getting older, but I also think that a lot of the change in vocal style has to do with the musical progression to hardcore. One really cool addition to their music is guitar down tuning, probably to 'B' (Gee, you musical prodigy you! - Ed.) which is evident in 'Police TV' and 'If You're Sad.' Their lyrics still reflect the true style of British punk's rebellion against certain political parties and issues ('Beat the Tories!' or just plain anarchy.) "Beat the Bastards" is still a damn good CD, introducing a new ,heavier side of the Exploited that is still filled with their trade mark energy, however they've lost a lot of the punk edge that they are known to have in their extremely fast songs -- the edge that truly makes them the Exploited. -- (Review by Chris J. Waters)

AGENT ORANGE "Virtually Indestructible" (Gunka Disc Records) SCORE: 93/100Those old school surf punks are back with their newest record since their double live album. I had actually thought they were dead, this CD is actually almost a year old but was previously only available at their shows (see the interview for more details.) It now has better distribution so I am told, but lemme say first off for fans of the older stuff, they still write the cool lyrics dealing with lost love, spy stories, and other madness. Their sound has deviated into more rock orientation, but they still have some kick ass guitar riffs, especially on 'Unsafe at Any Speed,' 'The Electric Storm,' and 'The Truth Should Never Be Concealed.' Unfortunately, their rock orientation left a few weak sounding tracks, most notably 'Broken Dreams' and 'You Belong To Me' which were a little too radio friendly for my tastes. However, Mike's vocals are still hella cool, and there's lots for the old school Agent Orange fan to love about this disc, even the less aggressive tunes like 'Wouldn't Last a Day' and 'Let it Burn' sound really well written. Still a three piece, still making very well written music, and still retaining a little of that punk edge, they have definitely matured without totally losing their cool. I enjoyed seeing them live as well, and am glad to hear that they are still around!

VARIOUS ARTISTS "Violent World - Misfits Tribute" (Caroline) SCORE: 81/100Before I let Chris get his words in edgewise, though he is pretty much THE authority in this 'burg on the Misfits I would have to say that I would have given this album a little bit lower of a rating. Anyway, go Chris...Many people tend to think that a tribute album is supposed to have songs that sound exactly like those of the original band. NOT TRUE! And this album proves that the covers sound just as good even if they aren't exact replicas. There is one thing that a Misfits cover must have to be a good cover: it must preserve the creepy mood, and in many cases (SOME cases - Ed.) this was done really well. Two prime examples were Prong's 'London Dungeon' and Sick of It All's 'All Hell Breaks Loose.' (That's what I'M screaming! - Ed. Interfering again!) Prong gives this eerie tune one helluva bite by adding heavy guitars and industrial overtones. Sick of It All was the perfect band for 'All Hell!' This one was simply chaotic and brutal as hell, and will definitely make your eyeballs pop out. Farside had a really cool, jazzy version of 'Return of the Fly,' with that early Misfits Cough/Cool sound (which, I must also add, sorry to butt in again, was what I thought was some of the Misfits' worst works -Ed.) Shades Apart did a really cool twist on the guitars with '20 Eyes,' and Dead guy tripped me out with their version of 'Horror Business' which is almost exactly word-for-word like the version of said song on "Evilive!" It even includes the vocalist shouting Glenn's death threats to the kids throwing full beer cans during one of the Evilive shows. Bouncing Souls and 108 also keep the speed and viciousness of 'Mommy' and 'Death Comes Ripping' (respectively).However, NOFX's 'Last Caress' and Goldfinger's 'Ghouls Night Out' really took the mood out, especially with the whiny vocals. The Misfits are by NO means whiny! Other than that I really enjoyed this album and the mood was kept throughout most of it, I think Jerry and the gang would be proud...-- Review by Chris J. Waters

Most of priming the pump.....

We are entering a new era- an era of psyber-psychosis and love and grit coupled with world dementia and turmoil. Collectively, we rest alone with the uneasy feeling that through all of our digital hyper communications, it is ourselves that we ultimately sleep with. We can be bitter, happy, rich or homeless, but we all sleep alone.

That is why we are here. The fine fellows at Hospitality Magazine want nothing more than to be your nurturing bedfellows. When times are tough, we want to give you a little chuckle. We would love nothing more than to give you a bowl full of policical insight with a heaping side dish of satirical humor. As a dessert, we would like to suggest an artery-blocking plate full of bad ideas and lies.

I hope that no one expects this magazine to be wholly informative. We like to think of ourselves as the internet in print: %25 informative, 25% misinformation and 50% pornography. We can't print porn in this magazine, but we will do what we can. For now, we will just fill the porn percentile with music and interesting facts about life, love and fast cars.

We want to be an inter-gender "Cosmo" for males and females of average and above average body weight and build. Basically, we just want to help people have sex with each other. Through tips and a generous portion of information meeting spots, garnished with a leaf of dry political commentary, we at Hospitality believe that conversation between the sexes will flourish and folks will start practicing the act which would normally create children who would one day vote for the leaders of this great land of ours.

Are we doing this for ourselves? I must respond with a definite "NO." We are putting this magazine for America.

So what should you expect in this issue? A girl in a Bikini, a collection of crimes that weren't commited, a story about bail bondsmen, live music reviews, movie reviews, outlandish opinions, a few freakish cries for help and a random guy in the back of the issue.