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| 10/02/2002 - Updated 10:13
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President Irate over White House Leak
By Gummi Bear, Jr.
WASHINGTON DC, October 2 -- President Bush reportedly has turned the White House
staff in a frenzy in his effort to root out the staffer who indelicately leaked some
of the innermost details of the Administration's foreign policy objectives to the press late last night.
According to the White House insider (codename "Deep Contempt") at a War
Council meeting last night, the President laid out twelve fairly concise and cohesive
reasons why the United States should invade Iraq, disarm the nation and depose Saddam Hussein.
The President's reasons were as follows:
12. Osama Bin Whatshisname has lost his impact on my poll ratings - he's toast.
Used to be that all's that I had to do, was mention his name, and I'd get
an immediate overnight popularity boost. Now some of my subjects have
started booing me at my mere mention of his name.
11. "A nation at war" has such a nice ring to it - makes me look real
statesmanlike and such. Only problem is, our war effort is waning - the "Nation at War"
moniker is losing political clout. We need to get our "Nation BACK at War."
10. Iraq is a charter member of the "Axis of Evil" - that was one of my greatest inventions -
it really united the nation at a time when the tax cut was losing political currency. We need to
remind the American people constantly about the terrorist strongholds harbored by the Axis of Evil rogue states.
9. The election is coming up Nov 5 - we need a ratings boost - and real soon.
Gotta make terrorism and fighting a war against the evildoers the only election issue, not the damn economy.
8. A war, anywhere in the world, is good for our economy, too.
Helps out our few remaining friends holding high office in private industry.
Besides, a big call-up of reserves will lower the unemployment numbers in
case the Democrats want to fight dirty and base their campaigns on jobs and the economy.
7. I'd like to stick it to our allies who have been dragging their feet,
like they were pigs smelling the blood in the slaughterhouse.
6. We have some new weapons under development - we owe it to the taxpayers to try them out,
against real people so we can measure their effectiveness. The public just hasn't taken
as well to our experiments with Afghan civilians as I thought they would.
5. I owe one to Rummy - he's done such a good job keeping the American
citizenry in a frenzy - he deserves some global hostility as my personal
thanks for a job well done.
4. Saddam Hussein is rated the seventh Most Admired World Leader, globally.
If we knock him off, I will move up in the rankings, from 22nd to 21st.
3. The United Nations is just one huge abortion. Normally I am dead serious
against that, but this is one about-to-be-aborted-fetus I'd personally like to
give the partial birth procedure to.
2. With the environmentalists so exercised about us drilling for oil in our
nation's most precious wildlife reserves, we sure could use some of them Iraqi
oil fields.
And for the primary reason why the United States should invade Iraq, disarm its
stores of biological, chemical and nuclear arms of mass destruction, and depose Saddam Hussein,
Here's Why
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Reprint from previous edition.
Read
the Shocking Inside Story about the White House Election Campaign |
Please Email Your
Comments to the Gummi Bear - your gumshoe reporter, budding political satirist
and author of this ditty - Feedback Urged
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The original article serving as a basis for this developing story,
can be found here
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_____Commentary_____
•
The National Debate on Iraq (The Washington Post, Sep 17, 2002)
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NATO's Iraq Summit (The Washington Post, Sep 16, 2002)
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War, Then It Gets Hard (The Washington Post, Sep 16, 2002)
_____Editorials_____
•
Mr. Schroeder Ducks (The Washington Post, Sep 17, 2002)
•
Never Mind, Mr. Sharon (The Washington Post, Sep 14, 2002)
•
Calling the U.N. Bluff (The Washington Post, Sep 13, 2002)
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WASHINGTON DC
According to an internal paper obtained
by this reporter from a White House staffer, the
Administration has identified its fall election campaign.
High on the agenda is the desire to appear hawkish and internationally
astute. The White House clearly believes the Democrats are headed
for a landslide midterm election unless
any of the specific international/policy objectives can be attained
prior to Nov 1:
Tier A Objectives
1. Capture Osama bin Laden
2. Find Osama bin Laden's remains
3. Obtain incontrovertible proof that Osama is dead
4. Invade Iraq and start the overthrow of Saddam Hussein's regime
Tier B Objectives
(Assuming none of items 1-4 is attainable)
5. Invade any of the other "Axis of Evil" countries
6. Invade Cuba and overthrow Fidel Castro
7. Invade any of the other 185 members of the UN, under pretext of "International Peacekeeping" provided it has Gross National Product less than 150 Billion (this excludes Britain, France, Japan China and Canada)
8. Cut off all relations with the United Nations and deman refund of the dues paid in the past two years.
9. Invade Canada or Mexico (considered logistically easier than doing the dirty deed to Britain, France, Japan or China)
10. Declare all Democratic Semators and Congressmen "Foreign Combatants" and
detain them under the Patriot Act, for the time being.
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