UPDATED Joint Bulletin
from the United States Justice Department
and
Office of Homeland Security

Are You Confused??
No Need To Be
Relief has arrived!!

If you are like most of the 245 million living and breathing Americans, you have had, over the past six months, occasional pangs of remorse or frustration, perhaps even patriotic self-doubts, when admitting to yourself that you have no clear, precise sense of how to act whenever the United States Government issues one of its numerous (47, to date, count them!) HEIGHTENED ALERTS.

I, myself, have on more than one occasion, when in the presence of seemingly intelligent persons exchanging their views on the government-mandated terror-induced public response postures, found myself bowing my head, as if preoccupied with my meal, lest I be put on the spot. Normally not at a loss of words, I am embarrassed to admit that I am stumped for the "correct answer".

Despite giving this a lot of thought, I have never figured out how, as a responsible individual, I should prepare myself, my family, and those others who look to me for guidance, to properly undertake the implicit duty compelling all loyal citizens to act appropriately whenever our nation is propelled to a HEIGHTENED level of terror alert.

ORDINARY alertness, I can deal with - to me, that means to be aware of my environment and the people around me; to look out my window whenever a truck rumbles by; to remain lucid and try not to nod off when watching television.

But HEIGHTENED ALERT?? I feel awkward in my sanguinity. How do I respond without letting W down??

Luckily, on the six month anniversary of 9/11, the United States Government has released a color coded alert scheme which makes the whole national security issue look like child's play on Sesame Street.

A color coded "terror alert" hierarchy has been established, directed at all Government entities, Federal, State and Local; the public is encouraged to engage in audience participation and is invited to wear matching lapel pins corresponding to each alert level, so as to serve as a constant reminder of the degree of peril in which our nation at any given time finds itself entwined.

This system is a vast improvement over the previous scheme which suffered from a lack of norms of appropriate nervous behavior by the public at large since the actual reasons for any particular alert conceivably could appear obtuse or outright confusing to a lay populace not trained by the CIA or schooled at any of our many licensed Airport Security Screener Training Institutes - incidentally, the fastest-growing franchise operation in US history.

The intent of the system is to introduce a common vocabulary so that the civilian population can remain in sync with the Government's new experimentation with the concept of inter-agency cooperation and remain at a high confidence level that the United States Government is squeezing every nickel poured into the Anti-terror effort.

 

Alert Color

  

Government
Terror Gauge

  

Citizen
Responsibilities

  

Lapel Pin

   This is the "Base" or "Default" State of Terror Alert. No [additional] suspicious activity discovered within past 24 hours, so alert remains Status Quo  Ok to Remain Calm
"Concerned" is even better
But please - NO PANIC		  American Flag
   "Green" signifies a credible but non-specific terror threat  "Concerned" is minimum requirement.
Periodically, look out your window for unusual street activity.
And don't forget to change pins !		  United We Stand
   "Blue" signifies more than just one credible rumor which could be construed as to involve terror  Heightened anxiety level. Ask family members to take turns standing at a window, watching your entire block on 24/7 basis.  Condoleezza
   "Yellow" signifies up to several confirming, specific threats albeit non-specific as to type, location or time  Please keep streets clear for emergency vehicles. Leave your home or business only under extreme circumstances.
Call 911 if you spot someone on the street with whom you are not familiar.		  Conservative Compassion
   "Orange" signifies up to several confirmed threats with some specificity as to place, timing and extent of threat. These threats could be, for example, newly discovered Anthrax letters, or the US Atomic Energy Commission uncovering incidents of employee pilfering of its nuclear inventory.  Remain inside. Under no circumstances may you leave your home or business. Ratchet up your anxiety level. Merely "Concerned" borders on being unpatriotic. A certain degree of panic is expected. If you spot a stranger on the street, take action and call 911 after the fact.  Working Stiffs
   "Red" signifies the highest Terror Alert Level. Essentially, it means the gig's up. The United States Government has caught some evildoers red-handed, or has stumbled upon a computer with a terror plot fully detailed and in progress.  Be sure to have your cell phone's Address Book and Quick-dial capabilities fully updated. You may not have much time to call those loved ones. Try to call 911 even if you only IMAGINE you are hearing some unusual commotion within a block or two of your home. However, all Government offices will be closed. Three day waiting period for purchase of guns will be suspended.  NRA Logo Pin

Sale of Lapel Pin Sets

Lapel pins will be for sale in all United States post offices, starting March 11, 2002, as follows: A "Big Bird" screen saver, featuring a continual slide show of all six lapel pin motifs, including a "hot button" to flash a set of handy alert stage mnemonics on the screen, is available for download, free of charge, at the Department of Justice website. ("Big Bird" is a registered trademark of Sesame Street Productions, Inc.)

The Authors:

  • Guv'nor Thomas Ridge - Secretary of Fear and Homeland Defense
  • John Ashcroft - Attorney General and Supreme Justice Enforcer of our land
  • The Administrator (the nitty-gritty detail) - See below

    • Both of the named top Government officials appear exceedingly well-suited for their roles in our Nation's first Terror Alert Notification System

    Former Senator John Ashcroft lost his senate seat when in the 2000 Missouri Republican primary he ended up in second place, losing to a dead person whose widow is now occupying ex-Senator Ashcroft's former seat in Congress. Acting on his impulse to show the nation what he meant by Conservative Compassion, Mr. Bush nominated Mr. Ashcroft for the position of Attorney General immediately after his elevation to the US presidency by the United States Supreme Court.

    The deep psychological wounds suffered by Mr. Ashcroft in his embarrassing election defeat did not go unnoticed by Mr. Bush, and were indeed an integral part of the required psychological makeup of our Nation's chief law enforcer since the United States constitution, after all, has as its cornerstone a historic mistrust of foreigners and deeply rooted paranoia of events taking place outside our own borders.

    As the Foremost Defender of the US Constitution, Mr. Ashcroft has made long-lasting and indelible impact on issues such as Freedom of Expression ("To question the White House at a Time of War is Tantamount to Treason"), the Preciousness of Life (The Unborn Kind - if you're a Taliban, Arab Detainee or Inmate on Death Row, you are ineligible to vote, and therefore not qualified to receive the benefits of the Bush brand of conservative compassion), the right [if not the MANDATE] to bear personal arms of mass destruction (Uzi submachine guns and other gun show specials conferring mass homicide empowerment to its possessor, registered or not)

    The list of Mr. Ashcroft's contribution to popular legal issues goes on and on. By the time the current administration comes to the end of its memorable four-year term, Mr. Ashcroft undoubtedly will have created a track record unequaled in our nation's long, proud judicial history.

    Other than having been being titular head of the Pennsylvania National Guard for four years, former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge has absolutely no background, training or experience in national security but was nonetheless the only person given consideration to serve as our nation's first Homeland Security Director.

    While Mr. Ridge's nomination appeared to be a controversial choice at first, Mr. Ridge has proven himself extremely adept at handling the challenges confronting his office.

    The quick appropriation by Congress of $60 billion for our Nation's anti-terror defense has created a logistical nightmare at the Office of Homeland Security as hundreds of lobbyists formerly cluttering the ante-rooms of the Vice President and Energy Secretary now wind their way to Guv'nor Ridge's office in the West Wing.

    Only a person deeply ensconced in campaign finance and soft-money fund raising would be able to handle the frenetic crowd of lobbyists eager to buy the influence present the credentials necessary to secure an award of Government contracts aggregating some $250 Billion over the next five years.

    Governor Ridge spent four spectacularly uneventful years as the Governor of Pennsylvania, but did what no other Governor in the history of the United States had done:

    During Ridge's tenure as Governor, a staffer thought up the idea of placing the web address of the Great State of Pennsylvania on the Pennsylvania automobile license plates, an Internet innovation the Governor in his formal bio claims to be one of his major accomplishments. This level of Hi-Tech experience and Internet-savvy is bound to pay off handsomely when Mr. Ridge designs the expected Anti-Terror Status Website where US citizens with Internet access, after logging in with a user name suggesting they are not foreign students on the lam, with expired or yet-to-be-issued visitors' visas, can access, in an interactive mode, a graphic of the United States, depicting with blinking, color coded icons, exactly where the most recent, credible or incredible, attempt to compromise our Nation's security, most likely is about to take place.

    Please Email Your Comments to the Author of This Ditty - Feedback Urged