FBI Seeks More Prominent Role In Effort To Upstage Office
of Homeland Security
Recognizable Format Should Make It Easier for Americans to
Organize Week
Washington, D.C. — Abandoning the last-minute,
panic-inducing warning system it has used until now, the FBI today
said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts.
Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by
noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous.
According to U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft, the forecasts
will serve as a more consistent, and less frightening, reminder that
Americans should stay vigilant, while the familiar, five-day format
should make it much easier to plan ahead.
"We in law enforcement are duty-bound to report inherent danger,
so we will continue to alert the public to serious threats," said
Ashcroft. "But we also understand how frustrating it is to organize
a family picnic or corporate event, only to have it washed out by
the late-breaking specter of impending doom. So before you venture
out, tune in to us."
Critics, however, immediately questioned the ability of the FBI's
on-air AccuThreatTM forecasters to
partake in awkward, meangingless banter with local TV news
personnel, citing an exchange last night between sports anchor Marv
Rupert and FBI anchor Robert Carpenter on KTLA-Los Angeles.
Marv: "...and speaking of zone defenses, Bob, I hear we
might be in the 'danger zone' tomorrow. Ha ha."
Robert:
"Your comments are suspicious. Do not leave the studio."
Across the country, meanwhile, most Americans welcomed the
initiative, although some said it did not go far enough.
"I understand that terrorism is unpredictable, like the weather,
but I need a long-range forecast, not a five-day," said bride-to-be
Sarah Hanover of Keene, N.H. "I've already booked the Elks Club for
June 15. Will that be a bad day? Should I switch to the 22nd? And
should I wear white, or Kevlar?"
And now, your...
