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Episode 4: "Chapter 4"
Original Air Date: 11.13.00
Summarized by: Kris D.

The students are praciticing for the Faculty Skit, for a Charity Benefit show. The young man portraying "Guber" speaks of eye contact, an inability to unclench his hair, and whines that Lauren Davis won't date him. "Milton" is around whining about wanting to "poop" in his "own mouth and then lecture", "Lauren" is featured in a habit, "Marla" runs around screaming "Crazy for cocoa puffs! Crazy for cocoa puffs!" when "Harper" grabs her and slams her into a locker. Marilyn tries to get them to "tone it down", but they refuse. Meanwhile, Lauren Davis is heading down a stairwell after hours and, though a window, sees a female student down on her knees in front of a male student. Lauren drops her books in shock and both students hit the door running.

Roll Credits

Act I

Lauren and Marilyn walk into the teacher's lounge discussing what Lauren saw the night before - Susan Potter and Peter Nelson. We findout that they are running against each other in the "special" student election for class president. "Well they were on the same side last night, Marilyn." Lauren doesn't know what she's going to do, though she thinks they should both be suspended. Lipshultz walks in and wants to speak with Marilyn about his part in the Charity Ball. He wants to sing his song (the same song he has been singing in the show for 20 years) in the second act. He believes himself to be a big hit, and wants the audience to be warmed up for him. After he leaves, Lauren and Marilyn discuss the fact that Harvey Lipshultz is a big "joke" with the students, and Marilyn thinks Lauren should tell him.

Steven comes into the lounge and Lauren tells him she needs his signature on John LaBlonde's Magna Club application - Steven says he won't sign. John was a member of the soccer team, and though he didn't cheat, he knew what was going on and didn't come forward. In this way, he violated the school's honor code. Lauren thinks this is unfair.

In his classroom, Harry (a geology teacher) is leading a discussion on the death penalty. (Transcribers note: Why they are discussing the death penalty in geology class remains to be seen) In the middle of their dialogue, Harry notices a student, Juan Figgis, is missing. We find that he has dropped out to work in a fast food restaurant.

Lauren has Susan Potter and Peter Nelson in her classroom, confronting them about what she saw. They say they are friends, that they weren't doing anything "intimate" and that they could be suspended!! Lauren tells them she's not so sure they *shouldn't* be suspended. Lauren allows them to win, however, and says she will not tell Harper and Guber, but she is going to send them both to see the counselor. The students are worried about the humiliaton "Plus, everybody does it!"

In the stairwell, Marilyn and Lauren are again chatting it up. Marilyn says it's true, it happens all the time. Lauren asks "Oral sex in stairwells?" Marilyn reminds Lauren that most high school kids don't even consider oral sex to be sex and Lauren replies (insert obligatory clinton joke here). Guber swings in and asks Marilyn about the charity show. He says he hears it's particularly scathing and wants to know more. She says he actually gets off light, all things considered. Milton wants to know "What about me?" She tells him he takes a few whacks and that Sheryl Holt's website has made him fodder.

Lauren breaks off from the group, and John LaBlonde approaches her. He's worried (read: hysterical) about his Magna Club award, about principle Harper not signing. She says she'll talk with him on John's behalf, she thinks Harper is being a little too rigid.

Kevin and Marilyn discuss usage of the auditorium. She doesn't want him disturbing the sets for the charity show and he needs somewhere to have candidate speeches for the election. She agrees to let him use the auditorium, but only for an hour. (Transcribers note: This is a very pointless scene) Marla comes up and tells Marilyn that if that charity troupe "lampoons" her "ass", she'll be shooting right back from the audience. Marilyn, in an effort to placate Marla, asks her to sing in the show.

Lauren goes to Principle Harper's office and tells him he's unfair, that what he's asking off John LaBlonde (to have ratted on his teammates) is too much for a 17 year old. Harper shoots back with "Not one that qualifies for the Magna Club Award." he's an A student, a good kid, but he violated the honor code. Lauren lets us know that John has dedicated himself to this for three years.

Milton comes to see Harper about his ridicule. Louisa (Harper's assistant) tells him that Harper is busy. Lousia tells him to quite whining. Milton is offended. Louisa "challenges him to a date". She has a bet that he can't possibly be as big of a wimp as he seems, so yeah, s he needs proof. Milton says this is not a way to ask a person out.

Senate goes to the fast food joint that Juan Figgis (the dropout) is working at. He wants to talk. Juan says he quit school because he has to work, he needs the money. Senate asks him why he can't work after school - he can't get the hours. Senate, a master of many disguises, tells the owner of the FF joint that he's from the Child Welfare department and that he's violating some code by working during school hours. Through hilarious intimidation, Senate gets the owner to agree to hours for Juan that start after 4. Juan now says he doesn't want to go to school because it sucks. Harry tells him that it's supposed to suck. Juan says he has done his time as a student, so Harry offers to let him teach whatever he wants, instead.

Guber and Harper are talking with John LaBlonde. LaBlonde is a small, shy guy. He tries to defend himself for not turning in his teammates, and describes the ostracism he *already* feels. Harper tells John that the award requires honesty and leadership, qualities John didn't portray through the cheating fiasco. John asks "So if I made a mistake, it should cost me everything?" Harper responds with "No, it should cost you t he Magna Club Award." After John leaves, Harper asks Guber to tell him he's doing the right thing before he changes his mind. Guber tells him he is absolutely doing the right thing.

Act II

Susan Potter is with the counselor. He's asking questions about the incident. Over and over we find that Susan Potter sees nothing sexual/intimate in what she did with Nelson.

Milton and Kevin are discussing Milton's "date" with Louisa. Milton will probably go because Louisa is a woman, she's breathing, and he's going through a decidedly 'not picky' stage.

Marilyn and Lauren discuss Lipschultz and Marilyn asks Lauren if she's talked to him yet. Lauren thinks he'll be more humiliated to know the students make fun of him so, no, she hasn't talked to him. Lauren tells Marilyn that maybe SHE (marilyn) should talk to him. Marilyn says that if she were to talk to him, he would just accuse her of "being black" and say that she doesn't want him to sing because he's Jewish and she's Black. Lauren is astounded.

Guber seeks out Senate and asks him if it's true that Senate is going to let Juan take over the role of teacher in his class. Senate says, yes, it's true. Guber reminds him that he has very l ittle room to make any more mistakes. Senate says Figgis will respond to responsibility and Guber warns him about his past. Guber wants to sit in on his class, Senate agrees.

LeBlonde's parents are talking with Principle Harper. They are trying to make a case for his Magna Club award. The boy's father is unusually high-strung about the award - claims that John's future will be ruined if he doesn't get the award. Harper holds firm on his decision.

In the auditorium, the candidates are preparing to speak. Marla and Harvey are talking about singing, and Harvey wants to know if Marla is going to sing in the first act or second. She hushes him and Kevin announces the candidates. Peter Nelson, one half of the StairWell Duo, gets up and speaks about honesty and says, honestly, that Susan Potter is the best person for the job of President, and asks that anybody who was going to vote for him, vote for Susan Potter. Shock all around, especially Lauren.

Lauren goes *straight* to Harper for this. As she tells Harper what she believes happened - Susan Potter bribed Peter Nelson with a sexual favor (she SAW it), Guber stands in the corner and stares. His chin is scraping the ground. Lauren discovered that Susan and Peter weren't even friends, and that the front-runner of the election had 40%, Susan had 34% and Peter had 20. He was going to lose anyway, so who took the free -- Lauren breaks off, her point made. Guber is still standing in the corner, shell-shocked. (Transcribers note: It remains to be seen why Guber is so shocked - either he is flabergasted by the rough politics or he is entranced by the lovely Miss Davis actually saying the words "Oral Sex" in his presence. Whatever the reasoning, his reaction IS odd enough to warrant a mention in the transcript) Harper asks that Scott get them both - sequester Susan and they'll tag-team Peter. Harper asks again, when Guber doesn't move, and as if waking from a trance Guber heads out the door. He pauses with his hand on the knob and turns to stare at Lauren for a second, before moving on, trance-like.

Milton comes into the office. Louisa tells him Harper is busy, but he didn't come to see Harper. "I came to see you, you little snot." About their date. He agrees. Fine. FINE! They're going to go out to the charity show together. FINE!

In Senate's classroom, Juan is about to start teaching. Juan asks that the class take him seriously, since he had to take it seriously. Juan is giong to talk about something that concerns everyone. "Those four little words we all fear - pre - mature - ejacu - lation." The class claps and hoots while Senate rubs his hand wearily over his face.

Elsewhere, John LaBlonde is sitting dejectedly on the stairs. Lauren sits down next to him and tries to comfort him by telling him academics isn't everything. Before she can get very far, John blurts out that he is in love with her. Shocked, she stares. The boy apologzies, he didn't mean to say that. She says it's OK, that she doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't expect her to respond, he shouldn't have said anything. He tells her that it's an issue with his shrink, that he talks about her with him. She asks what the shrink says and he tells her that he finds safety with her. She tries to play it off by telling him about a crush of her own but he stops her saying "It's not a crush, Miss Davis, I'm in love with you." She is without words for a minute. "OK. I am very flattered..." John tells her that the depth of the attraction is based on how vulnerable he feels. Apparently with the Magna Club thing...it makes sense. He asks if he can put his head on her shoulder. She starts to say no, but he says "I promise I won't cry." Lost and touched, she allows it but looks completely uncomfortable.

Act III

Harper and Guber tag-team Peter Nelson, and get him to agree that he and Susan Potter had an arrangement re: the oral sex and the election. Yes, he agreed to sex for votes. It was her idea. What was the boy thinking? That it was his lucky day. Have you seen Susan Potter?

In the hallway, Senate and Juan are walking together. Harry tells Juan he trusted him and Juan says "You never said nothing about trust." Harry womps Juan on the head with a stack of papers. Harry tells him "I gave you a responsibility, I gave you and opportunity to be a leader and what do you do? Talk about premature ejaculation." Juan says "That's what you do." Shocked, Harry says "Premature ejaculate. How did you know?" Sarcastically, he looks left and right. Juan says no, provoke. Get the students interested by talking about something outlandish and then sliding the good stuff in later. Harry tells Juan that there are limits. Juan, of course, says "Oh, so you mean I should have whipped out my gun?" Haha, Harry whomps Juan on the head again.

In Harvey and Marla's classroom, they are discussing judicial review. John LaBlonde is in there and is asked to answer a question. He does, and rightly. A boy in the back razzes him and before you know it, the kids are rolling on the floor in a fight. All at once, the boy who did the razzing is screaming that John bit his ear off. Turning to Harvey, John spits and a piece of ear hits Harvey right in the middle of the forehead.

The boy with the ear thing is carted off on a stretcher. Marla and Harvey are being interviewed by the police. Marla describes the incident "The boys had words. Then suddenly one's screaming and the other one is hocking out an ear like a lung biscuit."

In Harper's office, Harper is talking to John LaBlonde. He's going to be suspended and he wants the boy to see Mr. Lick, the counselor.

Lauren tries to talk to Lipshultz about his singing. She tells him that it seems like most definitely a joke, a gag that has been running for 20 years. He becomes offended and says that Marilyn made her to this, because she doesn't want him to sing. Because, of course, she's black and he's jewish. He *will* sing, because 20 years of standing ovations isn't a joke. Harvey bounds out and Harry comes in. He hears she's afraid of stairwells. She is, actually, because she came across John LaBlonde and he's in love with her. She says she babbled and stumbled like a total idiot and then...she let him put his head on her shoulder. Harry asks "Did you kiss him? Because I know when Dana Poole gets sad..." She smiles slightly and says "Take me seriously." She tells him the act was by far not sexual, it was meant to comfort. Lauren feels so clueless. Harry tells her to follow the teacher's manual to the letter. He does. Teaching's easy, just use the manual.

In the counselor's office, Lick is talking to LaBlonde. You can tell John is shocked by what happened - for some reason they haven't even allowed him to clean up after his fight. John says over and over that the Magna Club Award should be his.

Susan Potter comes to Lauren in her classroom, on fire because Lauren said she was only going to tell Mr. Lick. Now they are going to tell Susan's parents and this is a problem. Apparently, Susan was going to tell them that she was suspended for cheating or...something. Something not sex. Why do they have to call her parents anyway? Lauren confirms that it's because they're going to transfer her. If Susan wasn't livid before, she is now. Her whole world is Winslow, you can't just yank her out of it. Lauren wants to know if Susan thought *at all* about what she did, and Susan says yeah but it doesn't mean she should be banished. She's a senior...yadda yadda yadda. Susan says the teacher's have no clue what it's like "in here" (Evil Little Gnome: Susan, honey, AS IF. That's all I'm gonna say. As if.) Lauren got an idea in the stairwell, and she thinks that Susan has no idea what it's like out there. "Kids practice sex in high school, Miss Davis." Lauren replies with: "I'm afraid to ask you what you mean by practice. But I will say this. Dignity isn't something you practice, you either have it or you don't." Susan has no words to argue (jolly good show!) so she merely spits out "Nun."

Act IV

The Charity Show. "Milton" is stuck in the rump of a horse, and Harry shoots the horse. The real Milton is upset, but Louisa sits next to him and tells him to smile. He grins with gritted teeth. In his own world, Harry can't help but grin at the portrayal of him, shooting the horse with no remorse.

Scott stops by Steven's office - they're about to present the check. Steven wants Scott to accept it on his behalf, he's going to be talking to Susan Potter and her family. Scott walks off and Bob "Big Boy" Lick walks by. Bob says the LaBlonde boy is a troubled kid - is the suspension necessary? Steven reminds him that he did bite off a kid's ear. Bob walks on, nodding to himself. Strains of music are heard from the auditorium...dum...dum...dum!

Milton is sitting on the stairs waiting for Louisa, who is going to the bathroom. She sits next to him and they discuss the fact that Milton thinks the next joke is on him. She says she likes him, thinks he's cute, and if he wants she'll go up on stage and say so. That won't be necessary. She leans over and kisses him on the cheek. Well how about *that*?

"HEY! If I were a rich man babadabadabadeebadadabadum. All day long I'd biddy biddy bum, if I were a wealthy MAN! I wouldn't have to work hard..." Harvey is on stage singing the memorable song from Fiddler on the Roof, doing a passable Tevye. The school is clapping along, making a ruckus. Kevin, Harry and Lauren are sitting together. Kevin wants to know where Harry's gun is when they need it. Funny. Lauren says "Am I crazy? I think he's pretty good." She's crazy. It's just not his audience. His demographic is more...you know...dead? Maybe.

He finishes singing and the kids are screaming, holding lighters. Harvey bows one, twice, then his expression changes. He has just realized something. He backs off the stage.

Steven is in with Susan Potter and her parents. "What do you mean a sexual favor?" In exchange for his withdrawal from the race and the pledge of his votes, she tendered oral copulation. Susan's mother doesn't believe Susan even know what that is. Nevertheless, Steven feels that it's best to effect a transfer for Susan's own protection. Her parents ask her if she did it, but she doesn't answer. Mother once again asserts that Susan doesn't even know WHAT THAT IS!

Back in the auditorium, Marilyn is all glammed up and ready to present the check to Scott. She hands it to him and he begins a speech of thanks, when the band starts playing music. Marilyn comes up and steals the microphone from him saying "I'm sorry Scott. I realize this isn't the time or place but there's something I've been meaning to say to you." Scott wants to know what's going on. Marilyn starts singing "These Eyes". She's dancing around him, singing to him. The curtain goes up and there's Marla, also ready to sing. Caught between the two women, Scott looks mortified as they vamp it up for the audience.

After the show, Lauren can't believe Marilyn just did that. It was just a joke. Lauren reminds Marilyn that Guber has no sense of humor, but Marilyn believes that's what made it funny. "Just take me out for a beer and tell me what a great show it was." They agree to meet at Doyle's but Lauren is going to check on Harvey.

Harry finds Juan in his classroom, preparing for the next class. Juan is going to teach about Ponce De Leon - he wants to know why none of the history books discuss Puerto Rico, but that's why the have Juan. Harry is proud of Juan - Juan figures with LaBlonde out of the Magna Club award...they share a smile.

"You brought the house down, Harvey." He could hardly hear himself, they were cheering so loud. He claims to be fine, but as Lauren walks away he says "They were laughing, weren't they?" Yeah. He always wondered about it, but his wife ensured him that the kids enjoyed it. Lauren personally thought he was good, but the kids can be cruel. Harvey says he can't expect the kids to like that song - next year he'll just do a different song. Lauren's pager goes off...

Steven walks into a hospital. John LaBlonde's parents are there. They found him in his room unconscious. He took some pills. They're working on him, pumping his stomach, but the paramedics couldn't get a pulse. Mr. LaBlonde says "You know why this happened." putting the blame squarely on Steven's shoulders. The doctor calls the parents and from their reaction you can tell John has not made it. Shocked, Steven sits down with tears in his eyes. Lauren rushes in and looks from John's parents to a shocked and crying Steven.

Fade to Black.