PART ONE

CM: "...set on fire, bum-raped, or burgled senseless by Britain's marauding

criminals. This month, police pictures showed another estate in Manchester, turning itself into a gun. 

And it's not just the great unhosed; these raiders all earn over two hundred thousand pounds

a year in big banks. 

So much for recorded crimes. But crimes we know nothing about are going up

as well." 

CM: "What hope do we have of battering these down?" 

CM: "The Home Secretary scores repeated own goals; over twelve hundred convicts were released last month, after lying to the Home Office about how long they'd been inside. 

And just two days ago, it was revealed that convicts in Dartmoor prison had been running an international airport for over fourteen years." 

AFV:"I am not an expert on air traffic control; I thought they were landing nearby,

but not in my prison." 

CM: "So what causes crime? Social depravation? This bleak report from Ted Maul." 

TM: "From the moon Cowsick's a little dot..." 

TM: "From the ground, it's a _huge_ mess!" 

TM: "Like Dante meets Bosch in a crack lounge." 

TM: "I'm here to ask a question:" 

TM:"Is alarm justified?" 

TM:"Is time running out for Cowsick?" 

TM: "Or is this the start of a new day?" 

TM: "The first day of Spring." 

TM: "Cowsick. The stench of poverty hangs in the air like an old man's nappy. For the kids, it's a depravity supermarket, where bad is free, and society foots the bill." 

TM: "Not many cars to nick here; so instead they hijack pedestrians and run them around at terrifying leg-speeds. It's called "git surfing"; all too often, the "git" is one of their own mothers." 

TM: "The latest trick - catapult them into a shop -" 

"- and force them to steal booze, fags and mags." 

TM: "For the cops, it's a jungle, where dangerous animals speak "swear-hili". 

TM: "Kids burst shops, by filling them with rice, and pouring in water - then standing back and laughing, while the bricks are ripped apart by the swelling food." 

TM: "They say a bored mind makes a great office for the devil -" 

"- in Kerry Hufford's case, it's fully air-conditioned, with free typing. He's been

arrested for menacing a helpless codger." 

CUT TO: 

TM: "Jill and Sainsbur McManus are a rattly pair of old puffins, who remember

Coswick in the days when people could still be trusted." 

JM: "Everybody had keys to everybody elses' house, you know, and the locks were,

well they were sort of made of something like paper" 

TM: "On September the fifteenth, the McManuses went to bed, unaware they

were being watched by the Hufford gang. Moments later, three kids had broken

in. Kerry was dressed as an angel; he woke the old man up, and told him he was dead... and must go outside and bury himself." 

CL: "He ran out the room, Kerry and me were just, were rolling about on the floor in hysterics." 

CL: "And he was pulling all the grass out with his hands, 'n, chuckin' it everywhere, we were just behind a bush laughing at 'im." 

TM: "Sainsbur would definitely be "Costa Del Blowfly", if the cops hadn't seen

his body by chance - when they were tracking a man, who had buggered a heron." 

TM: "Maybe we can understand kids like Kerry by looking at his family -" 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. LIVING ROOM: (The Huffords, sitting on settee - Dad, Mum and Kerry) 

TM:"- Dad unemployed; Mum depressed beyond tablets. You want to help

these people, but the truth is, they're got to help themselves." 

TM: "Do you agree with this question? If you don't get a job, he gets stuffed." 

it's not as though I'm not trying to get a job, I'm -" 

SH: "I'm trying, I'm doing the fu -" 

SH: "I _am_ trying very hard tho -" 

clean up?" 

SH: "Clean up? Clean up somebody's house?" 

TM: "Yeah and then ask for money for it." 

SH:".. Yeah I could do that." 

TM: "Why not do that tomorrow?" 

SH: "Alright, mm I mean it's a bit demean -" 

TM: "Cowsick's people are the smashed toes of a lame duck society. A

lame duck, that's attacking it's own feet, with a sledgehammer." 

TM:"Will the nightmare never end for Cowsick?" 

TM 2:"Perhaps with some help from outside." 

TM:"Oh yeah?" 

TM:"In 1993, the council gave them a football." 

TM: "Fat use. And last year, the mayor gave them a gold mine -" 

TM: "It actually worked for a bit this, until someone clogged it up with sick.

people lead their lives, and it's going to stay that way, 'til someone lets in...

the wind of change." 

CM: "And as a result of that experience Ted Maul has been absent for some

time, with nervous exhaust." 

DC: "Do you feel that.. vigilanteism is actually gonna... help, in the long run?" 

TITLE: (Sir Rhodes Boyson, MP, Brent North) 

RB: "I think it will rise in an area where something has gone wrong." 

TITLE: (David Compression) 

DC: "I mean in Gotham City in the United States they call up a specialist

vigilante agent when they're in times of _real_ trouble, by projecting a huge l

uminous emergency "bat sign" into the sky, and he comes rushing in and..

so far that has... worked. Is that something that should be, encouraged?" 

RB: "I'd have to see it, I.." 

RB: "It would have to be a very.. er, individual with great magnetism -" 

DC: "I think that's what it is. It's his special sign." 

RB: "They're one offs, they're one offs, that sort of thing, and it's very nice in school-mastering when you have people who are one offs who can act to do it in a way that nobody else can do it, but don't try and get other people doing it." 

DC: "Well when he, you know, Bruce Wayne goes, then it's all going to collapse." 

RB: "Yeah. Well, it's done, it's, happened throughout history." 

CM: "Is crime gonna get any worse?" 

CM: "Yes it is. Just look at America; Alabaster Codefy reports on _their_ latest mess." 

ANNOUNCER: "Fadanoid! With Chuck Fadanoid." 

AC: "Top talk topic Stateside right now: " 

FADANOID: "Priests With Guns!" 

AC: "The priests, who say they must pack a piece to keep _the_ peace. 

week I had er... well, maybe two hundred three hundred in the congregation.

I got up in front of them and I said, "anybody here who's got a gun can leave

now". Ten minutes later, three people are left - two kids and a deaf guy." 

AC: "The "padrenual" really took off after a minister "Vocus Wabe" was shot

at a baptism for forgetting the baby's name.More and more of the holy flock

is becoming a gory "gun-gregation". 

AC: "Practicing four times a week, Father Kupek's a fully fledged "revolver-and". 

AC: "Just what's the style you have there?" 

FK: "Well I use the one handed grip, it actually gives you a smaller profile

if there's er, if there's answering fire.Like from congregation or something." 

AC: "And in Kupek's church, a would-be shootist doesn't have a prayer." 

bullet-proof, and the hole has been cut so I can return fire." 

"That was the pimp that took the crucifix outta my church, and put it on his car.." 

AC: "That's the "Holy Gunspel", according to "Saint Marksman." 

FK: "..got him that time..." 

AC: "And there's even ad campaigns to recruit more "pistol apostles". 

"All part of God's "Holy Canon." 

AC: "Despite the increasing violence against priests, many say they are

simply too "revved up" to handle guns, as at this wedding, where Minister

Pat Grisald shot a guest in the leg." 

"The issue peaked on TV yesterday on a "rat-a-tat-tat show showdown",

featuring Kupek and the two "prota-gunnists". 

CF: "You were shot by a minister with a gun?" 

GUEST: "That's right." 

CF: "Okay, you were shot by _this_ minister with a gun -" 

"- this is Pat Grisald, the man who shot you at the wedding. Okay, now I

know you haven't seen him for six weeks, not since he shot you; now, just, just react." 

GUEST: "What the hell were you doing!?" 

PG: "Look you moved funny I had to shoot." 

GUEST: "What do you mean I moved funny, I'm standing in the church at a _wedding_ for god's..." 

PG: "No no no you..." 

GUEST: "What do you mean I look like a crimi!..." 

PG: "With those hairy arms you could be a man in a dress!" 

"Right you I'm going to get you!" 

"Alright freeze woman!" 

CF: "Put the gun down, pouch the piece, someone could get shot here!" 

FK: "Easy... easy... get back in your seat." 

CM: "And sadly crime experts predict that one day, even friendly conversation

between mother and daughter will be conducted at gunpoint." 

CM: "Up NEXT... A new scheme, for young offenders." 

DC: "Take the cashback scheme, that they're gonna try in Toxteth, where young offenders are on a fourteen-week sentence - costs about two grand a week to

keep them in - so rather than spend twenty-eight grand to keep them inside,

they give them twenty-five grand, and say "here you are, use that, for a

positive reason." 

MFF: "I think that's a smashing idea. Yeah, I do, honestly." 

DC: "If someone had done that to you, what would have happened?" 

MFF: "I don't think you'd have ever heard of me again." 

DC: "Do you think perhaps enlisting somebody like Richard Branson to sell the cashback scheme... _might_ just work, might just get through to them." 

RB: "I wouldn't say no to that." 

DC: "I suppose if there was an element of... stick, you know - Richard Branson

up in a balloon, watching the situation and saying, "there's your twenty-six

thousand pounds, but I'm watching you from a balloon, and I can see a

very long way."" 

RB: "I'd go along with that." 

PART TWO

CM: "Now chafing the transmission heads: what is the relationship between

crime and race? Using make-up sticks -" 

"- we transformed our white reporter Tras Duprez, into a black man to see if the law would treat him any differently. Within five minutes, he'd committed a pocket theft -" 

-"and by mid-afternoon, he was attacking passers-by with violent muggings, and fleecing them viciously on the cobbles." (Tras repeatedly hits a man with the victim's own umbrella, then picks up a chair and throws it against the wall of the alley) 

CM: "Well there's the evidence - Mr. Koka, what do you make of that?" 

NK: "Now I have seen the proof - I apologise for my fellow blacks I'm sorry." 

CM: "Mr. Koka thank you very much." 

CM: "So what's the solution to rising crime, particularly younger and younger?" 

OTHER CHRIS: "For many, the answer to the crime problem can be summed

up in just one word -" 

"- bring back Borstal." 

CM: "But did they work?" 

CM: "Good question, because Borstals were phased out in 1982." 

TM: "Borstals like Fork Hurst are to be axed because reports show they're full

of men who should have been released _years_ ago." 

TM: "Jock Bozenay was sent here as a juvenile offender in 1949. He never left,

because he kept failing release tests.Like hundreds of others, he remained

in chokey - even though the offences were small and twatty." 

EH: "When I was seven, I got dressed up as a little city gent, and walked

into the Bank of England shouting "Fuck the Pound"." 

CM: "While the situation is clearly grave enough to merit a black and white

freeze frame, the solution may already be at hand -" 

CM: "- with the opening of the new harsh pounds for young offenders." 

CM: "Libby Shuss reports." 

LS: "Leobold Quay, opened six months ago, right here, and already is

being favoured by both main political parties..." 

LS: "And the third party, who are with Ashdown." 

LS: "I'm going inside now - like a bad boy." 

LS: "The new inmates are welcomed on arrival -" 

GUARD: "You shits up that hill!" 

LS: "- and are sent straight to the shaving room. Here, their eyebrows are

shaved off, which undermines their self-respect rather well." 

CJ: "If you think of a fly, and you pull its wings off, it'll crawl, and if you push

the back half of its body, onto the surface it's squiggling on.... then

you've got its total, undivided attention." 

LS: "In the Gulf War, Jackson was allied adviser on psycho-battery. At Leobold, his expertise is applied without mercy. The inmates' sleep is frequently interrupted." 

CUT TO: 

INT. PRISON DORM: (Inmates standing to attention at the foot of their beds) 

LS: "Room inspections are full of sneaky traps; like the brass moustache, hidden behind the notice-board." 

"Why didn't you polish it." 

INMATE: "Sir." 

"How funny is it." 

INMATE: "It's not sir." 

CJ: "Bury the beds." 

LS: "The men will dig up their bed-clothes again this evening, and sleep in them, all _earthy_. If they'd done better, they might have won a privilege. Despite his criminal mind, this man -" 

LS: "- is behaving well.His reward is the canoe.This time he can sit in the

canoe for up to an hour." 

LS: "Meanwhile, the troublemaker is made to sprint blindfold to Jackson's

office, where he receives a speaking down." 

the biggest piece of shit on it!" 

CJ: "_Lick_ yourself off my shoe!" 

CJ: "Lick yourself off, my shoe." 

CJ: "DON'T ACTUALLY DO IT!WHERE'S YOUR SELF RE-COCKING-SPECT?!" 

CJ: "Get out!" 

INMATE: "Sir." 

CJ: "Now! Look at me! ... Get out!" 

CJ: "If you take a seal, and hit it very hard in the face, every day, for six weeks,

you may.. turn it into a rather fetching hat." 

VOICEOVER: Libby Shuss 

LS: "And the future for these little fuckers? Will they succeed in returning to

society?" 

regime, and looking forward to joining society again tell me um - how

do you feel about that?" 

LS: "Skills.. for what?" 

INMATE: "Getting back into society." 

LS: "Well, you could have a family, and..." 

INMATE: "I could have, I don't know." 

LS: "And that if you.. if, you made the effort, became a part of the family,

then you could root yourself back into the fabric of society." 

INMATE: "I could root... I'd root you into.." 

LS: "There is a serious question. I am from society..." 

INMATE: "Wee knoow." 

LS: "You're not from society, how do you get back into society?" 

INMATE: "Up your arse!" 

LS: "There are no simple answers to the problem of punishment." 

LS: "But there is a simple question. Would it really matter if one of these

men died?" 

CM: "Perhaps the most positive step has come from the Home Office action

group, "Key 2000", who've produced a video to play to young offenders, on

their arrival in prison." 

TV: "Well they gotcha then. They gooone and banged you up good and

proper. So what now. What I'd like to do right now is to take your bad half

outside, and do it an extremely physical discourtesy; and then buy your

good half a pint of foaming, nut-brown ale. Cheers." 

TV: "Meet Geoff Boycott, and shake hands with a walking continent of

common sense." 

GB: "I didn't get runs by slacking. I worked hard, I grafted, I practised, I

did it as well as I could: properly. So when you get up in the morning,

what do you do? You get out of bed properly. And that means all the way

out of it - _get_ _right_ _out_ of the bed. No half-measures; you must

get your whole body out of the bed, right out from under the sheets,

right off the mattress, until your standing up. You won't get anywhere

slouching about half-out of bed. Do you seriously think that people

here wouldn't notice if you were only half out of the bed? Come on -

wise up! Did I walk out to bat when I was half-asleep or half-out of bed?

Of course not. I bloody well didn't. Remember - the best technique is

to look at that bed, and then try and get as far away from it as possible." 

TV: "Gary Glitter said, "good to be back", but in your case that _does_

_not_ apply.I can't believe it you little ponce - you've gone and dun it

again intcha. Did you really like it so much last time? Did you? What?

You didn't? Then why the hell did you come back? Alright, easy now

• no foaming nut-brown ale for you this time, but here for god's sake,
• listen to this, and do us a favour mate - pay attention, this time. 

MW: "I've been asked to read the words of a successful reformed

criminal, someone who got a grip. And this is what he says "Remember

that your life in prison is like a dog in a box. What you've got to do is make

the dog bigger than the box. Not in a bad way like a mad wolf, in a matchbox,

but more like a giant, a well-behaved Alsatian in a Kleenex box. Your aim is

to place that dog in the lap of the guvnor - that is, the evil part of you - with

a smile as you leave." 

TV: "You are a murderer, and I can only pray to god that you watch, and

you listen, very carefully to this: " 

VF: "Hello, you think you don't know me don't you? Yes, but you do

because - I'm the shopkeeper you shot in a mindless hold-up; you

blew out my guts, remember? I'm the old lady whose head you stove

in with a loose wardrobe in the middle of the night, remember? I'm

the little boy whose face you stabbed off in panic when I found you

robbing my house, remember? I'm Marvin Gaye, shot by my own father

"Look into my eyes, murderer. You killed _me_. What the _hell_ did you

do that for? Look at me - feel proud, do you? Do you even know what a

feeling is? I do, but I can't have any more now, because of you. You!

You get out after twenty-five years, but me? I'm here forever. I _hate_, you. 

TV: "Now while you're inside here you're going to have to learn a whole

new language. It's not French, it's prison slang and I've got some of it

written here so it might help you. "Howard's Arse" means prison. "One

nil at half time" means food." Wongey coconuts" means air breaks.

"Gazza" is a "gas coin", used as currency for cigarettes. "Plank sanction",

a one-for-one fag exchange. "Sue my chin" - give us a fag: I'll give you

two next week. "Buff my pylon" - give us a fag, you owe me two,

so I'm letting you off the other one." Don't buff my pylon" - switch

over the telly. And er, very, very important this one, "Portillo" means

"look out behind you". Learn the language, better communication." 

CM: "Well that's one way of dealing with offenders, in prison;

but what about the bigger picture?" 

CM: "Thanks to the News Dwarf." 

ND: "Pleasure Chris." 

CM: "The hope is that we'll benefit from a number of European projects." 

CM: "Research shows that football riots can be halted instantly by

showing pornography, on the video displays. For street disturbances,

the metropolitan police are now breeding elephants, following their

successful deployment in Athens, and Turin." 

CM: In Holland they've halved the crime rate by legalising murder,

with the introduction of slaughter cafes." 

PV: "We used to come here, with er knives and everything slashing

like that with guts and all the blood all over, but ah we got bored

with that after about two weeks.. and I just eat my cake now, an'

wash it down with a nice cup of coffee." 

CM: "This French system of victim support comes to Britain next

year.Last month, that woman -" 

"- woke up to find a young offender defecating on her floor." 

CM: "Under police supervision, she now meets the offender, at

his house - and is given an hour, to formalise a similar return, on his floor." 

CM: "Good night." 

DS: "I'm, sort of violently against hanging, for example -" 

DW: "Yep." 

DS: "I believe no human's got the right to take another human's life." 

DW: "Oh hang on let me get this right, so so you _shouldn't_ be

allowed to take away someone's life.." 

DS: "No what I'm saying is _I personally_ -" 

DW: "The penalty for taking away somebody's life should be the

death penalty?" 

DS: "No, I per -" 

DW: "No?" 

DS: "No, I personally _totally_ oppose the death penalty, capital

punishment -" 

DW: "It's alright to take away someone'e life?" 

DS: "_No_, only in self-defence -" 

DW: "So if you if you murder somebody you've taken away their life." 

DS: "Yes." 

DW: "And in _that_ circumstance only, then, that person should be killed." 

DS: "No." 

DW: "No?" 

DS: "I, I believe under no circumstances does one human being got the

right to take another human being's life." 

DW: "No way! Surely?" 

DS: "That's my opinion." 

DW: "Oh alright, okay." 

DS: "I'm not saying it's, I mean, everything's about opinions -" 

DW: "_Is it?_Yes it is. What about capital punishment, for _murder_ only?" 

DS: "No I I, I personally believe on moral grounds that no human being

can take another humans being's life." 

DW: "Well what if you didn't take their life you just, murdered them?" 

DS: ".... sssay that again -" 

DW: "What _if_ you didn't take somebody's life but just murdered them." 

END OF PART TWO