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© Copyright 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 K. Weston,
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Index to most of my personal
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Two
The music on this page is "Miss Clare Remembers," by Enya Click Here to Hear
Ginger and Spice, 16x20,
Oil
You may find this page of interest if you are a
writer or author, a teacher, a parent, grandparent, a senior citizen, or
just anyone from the general public. I am making this page because I love
language, writing, teaching, kids, ESL, humor, chatting, observing, and all
sorts of other things.
One night, someone said something funny in chat (without meaning to) and
I got to thinking..... about all the ways that our language is used, abused,
and confused, misunderstood and misconstrued, twisted, turned, and typo-ed,
particularly in this new world of online communication.
There's a lot more to it than that... there are all the ways that children
(and adults) mis-hear or misunderstand...there are all the ways that new
speakers of English get bumfuzzled at the vagaries of this language, particularly
when we who already speak it tend to slur and mispronounce... there are the
strange and often funny typos that occur in every type of written
communication... there are even write-o-graphical errors that people make
when writing longhand in a hurry. I'm sure there will be more categories
as I progress with this non-essential compendium.
It is my intention to continue my collection until I have enough material
to publish hard copy... and to continue after that until I have enough MORE
for Volume 2...
If you'd like to see your name in print, please feel free to submit anything
you like. And do let me know how you would like to be credited.
Screen name? Real name? Both? Anonymous? City and State?
Just state? Submitting constitutes permission to use your material here and/or
on my other web pages and in the published book. And by submitting, you certify
that your submission is your own, original material, except as otherwise
noted.
Please send submissions
to:
ladyzinnia@netscape.net
JES' CHATTIN' AWAY...
(The Flying Fingers Firkytootl Furiously)
My thinking about chat is that this is communication,
not English class...and that no one should be embarrassed by their typing,
spelling, punctuation, etc. If we all have to be perfect, then no one will
be chatting at all! Still, I do find some of the typos and other errors mighty
entertaining.
My best one thus far was when someone asked me if I had "met" a lady whose
screen name is Donut. Typing like a bat out of hell and not checking before
sending (as usual), I shot back, "Yes, Donut and I are old
fiends!"
And how about PurpleGram's now-immortal typo... when she thoroughly intended to say that there were a lot of d u c k s in Ft. Lauderdale...?
**********
From Glorious... Apparently you never heard the tale of my visit to a book store trying to find a book that would help me to learn about the inner workings of a computer.
The Title of the book was HARD DISK MANAGEMENT.
You may use your imagination to figure out what I actually asked for that made my face red...and the face of the young man who was waiting on me.
**********
Sometimes in chat, one sees two or more lines from separate conversations that look really funny when juxtaposed. For instance, one night in a senior chat room, the following two lines appeared. They are particularly funny when you consider that everyone in the room was a senior citizen. At the time, Gobos was teasing MargieLyn about starting a rumor to make things interesting and Margie and R4Cats were discussing their writings.....
GOBOS: OH MY Gosh Margie is pregnant You didn't tell me LOL
R4CATS: Margie good girl.. I have one coming out next month
**********
Annafair tells one on
GordonM874....
Our own singing Gordon made a great typo once when he was "singing" Red Sails
in the Sunset in SeniorNet chat. There is a line that goes, "Head straight
for the shore..." only he typed a W instead of an S .....
**********
This doozie was contributed by
PatETX...
While in chat discussing places to have a dinner in San Antonio on the River
Walk, LeeM came up with a fun place called Dick's Last Resort.
When someone in the chat room asked where the dinner would be, I replied,
"We are looking at Dick's on the river walk." I promise it was
unintentional.
(Ed. Note: all production here promptly ceased when I read THAT
contribution!!!!!)
**********
This one was contributed by Anonymous...it
may be efficient, but it's kinda hard on the crockery...
A typo from chat... "... I used to wash dishes by hand, but
since I've been on this computer, I put them in the
dishmasher..."
GAINING SOMETHING
IN THE TRANSLATION
Let's have it understood right off that I have nothing
but respect for anyone trying to learn our language. It's one of the most
DIFFICULT languages to learn, even for native speakers, and the spelling
of it is a nightmare. I also notice that there are more of THEM trying to
learn OUR language than there are of US trying to learn THEIRS. So I want
it firmly understood that I'm in no way putting them down with this... it's
more on the order of making fun of our tricky language than of the people
trying to speak it. And they sure seem to enjoy MY mistakes in THEIR
languages...
Some years ago, I was translating school lessons and teaching the rudiments
of English for some elementary-grade Mexican children at our little one-room
school in the Sierras. They were the children of seasonal loggers and they
were the most enthusiastic, joyful learners I have ever encountered. I also
learned from them.
One day, one of the boys asked if it was time for lunch. Noticing that he
was wearing a watch, and not noticing that it was non-operational, I asked
him what time it was. He said that his reloj (ray-LOW) did
not work. I said, "watch." He looked puzzled and I pointed to his reloj
and said it again, "watch." He brightened, and with complete
understanding, said, "Si! Si! Watch your name?"
**********
On another occasion, a boy who had been absent returned to school and
I asked if he had been sick. He told me, "Si, señora, I was very seek.
I was throwing out and throwing out all the night!"
**********
The Pilipino people like nothing better than a joke on themselves. Also, most of them also write it as Pilipino - the f sound is not theirs. My art friend, Rafael, is a constant source of giggles as he learns our language. The sad part is that he rarely makes the same mistake twice on the same word, so we usually only get one good laugh per error. Another sound not present in their language is the "th" sound, which usually turns into "t" or "ts." So a word like "earth," for instance, might be pronounced "eart" or "earts." One day, Rafael was talking about the colors he uses when painting portraits. He explained that he uses white with a bit of yellow ochre and a touch of French ultramarine blue to paint the whites of the eyes. We all had about a five-minute laugh when he went on to explain, "I use those same colors to paint the teets."
**********
And then there are OUR errors in THEIR language... which are
often beyond funny and over into completely embarrassing.....
Like the time my daughter was trying to find a cotton blouse.. she asked
for a blouse made of abogado (lawyer) rather than algodon (cotton).
Don't worry, she didn't get one. I think it's probably illegal to import
lawyers, anyway.
**********
Another time, she was trying to show off her Spanish when in a restaurant with a new beau. She asked for an enchilada sin arboles (ARE-bow-lace). Sure enough, when it arrived, there were no trees! But there were the things she was trying to avoid - cebollas (say-BOY-yuhz) - also known as onions!
**********
This one will only be funny to those who understand Spanish, because
I'm not about to translate it. Imagine the consternation (followed by general
hilarity and near pandemonium) of the waiters in a certain restaurant in
San Felipe when a lady friend asked to be served huevos de rancheros
rather than the correct and infinitely more polite huevos
rancheros.
**********
From Galen Beery (DGBeery) of LaVerne, CA...
As an interpreter, my most amusing encounters are with Lao who use an English word now and then. For example: A girl told me in Lao: She's a very stinky person." (Stinky in Lao = minh) I ask "minh"? "Oh, no" she blushed, and said in English: "She very mean."
**********
From Conrad Geller (SignPoet) of Mount
Kisco NY...
In the 1950's I saw this sign outside a restaurant in
Tokyo: "Air conditioned -- freezing inside!"
**********
More great examples, contributed by
FrenchAmor...
For nine years, I worked with a lovely lady named Maria Novoa-Sanchez. She
was and is a very gracious and kind person - who sometimes puts a cute twist
on common expressions. When I asked her one day why she was taking so much
time with the Yellow pages, she replied, "My fingers were walking through
them and they treeped!"
She also added that little Hispanic twist to our
supervisor's first name, Quinn. Her version was Queen. One day, after hearing
this mis-pronunciation one time too many, this very macho male replied, "Maria,
I may be many things, but I definitely am not a QUEEN!"
**********
A couple of cute Filipino contributions.....
Asked to use the word "persuading" in a sentence,
a Filipino friend said, "My wipe and I were married on dees date las' year.
So today is our persuading anniversary."
Another Filipino friend was being ticketed in San Francisco for illegal parking.
He was very upset and said to the policeman, "Why you give me packing ticket?
I only packed here por payb p____ing minutes!"
**********
Another Maria-ism from FrenchAmor
While talking about an airplane trip she had taken, during
which very turbulent weather was encountered, Maria mentioned that for the
very first time she had to use the "air suitcase" - took me a couple of minutes
to realize she was talking about the "barf bag."
**********
KIDDY COMMUNIQUES
These are the ones about "José can you see."
and "Howard be thy name," and all the times we think we're saying one thing...
but they understand it from a different frame of reference... fresh, new,
and generally FUNNY.
From Lilith77
Lady Z.....this is just ONE of my many language errors (I have a lifetime of 'em).
When I was in the 9th grade, I was in my first large school (I'd previously lived in a logging camp). During the holiday season, we were singing in class. The song was Walking in a Winter Wonderland. I am always enthusiastic, so I was singing my heart out, like this, "Later on we'll perspire, as we sit by the fire..."
Naturally, everyone in the class started laughing and I didn't even know why. It made sense to me. Doesn't it make sense to you? Besides, I'd never heard the word "conspire." So there you go.......Lilith77
**********
From LadyZinnia
When my two of my daughters, Izzi and Kato, were 6 and 10, respectively, my beau was a vice-president of a major corporation. This man was very wealthy, had a private jet and stuff like that, and my children were in awe of their jet-setting mom. I finally decided to have him over for dinner to meet my children. In the middle of dinner, Kato asked him, "How much money do you have?" In shock, and embarrassed out of my mind, I exclaimed, "Kato! That's a personal question!" She gave me a look and patiently explained, "No, mom, a personal question would be, 'What kind of underwear do you have on?'"
My friend and I burst out laughing whereupon, not to be outdone, Izzi said, "Mommy, I made up a joke!" Happy to change the subject, I asked her to tell us...she said, "Why did the squirrel climb the tree?" I bit... I said, "Why?" and she replied, "To stop the squirrel from picking his nuts."
**********
More from LadyZinnia
A local child recently saved her little friend's life in a choking incident. The heroine, a 7-year-old, explained it this way... "We were walking back to our class and Brandice - she's my best friend - she got choked by her barrette. She said like this, 'Desireé, I'm choking' "(grabs her throat and mimics a low, raspy voice). "At first, I thought she was playing. Then I saw her face was red and her nose was really, really, REALLY red. And I couldn't hear her nose breathing. So I got behind her and squeezed her stomach real hard like a Harmlick Remover and she barfed it up."
LadyZinnia AGAIN
When my youngest daughter was about 5 years old, she stayed up rather late
one night. When I noticed the late hour, I said to her, "Why aren't you in
bed? It's after 10:00!" She sat down on the couch and proceed to sob nearly
uncontrollably, way out of proportion to what I had said, I thought. When
I asked what was wrong, she said, "Now I can't go to bed!" I asked her why,
she replied, "Because you told me that 10:00 is TOO LATE for little girls
to go to bed."
**********
Contributed by
Annafair....
When my first-born was young (she refuses to be called the oldest) and was
learning the Lord's Prayer, I was asked to listen to her recite it at bedtime.
She did fairly well but it did have a modern ring to it when she said, "Our
Father who art in Heaven, Hollywood be thy name..........."
**********
PatETX
recalls....
My third grandchild was named Michael Wade. His three-year-old sister heard
it as "microwave," and that's what we called him for several years.
This same granddaughter, at age 6, said that smartivity was the opposite
of stupidity.
And little Microwave, at age 3, when I was pushing him backward on a skate
board, said, "Now push me forthward."
My Baptist grandchildren lustily sing "Bringing In The Sheaves" as "Bringing
In The Sheeps."
**********
This entertaining story was contributed by
ConnieAct. Connie doesn't know the name of the author but I would
appreciate having it if anyone knows...
A child's view of RETIREMENT:
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to
live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They
ride on big three-wheeler tricycles and they all wear name tags because they
don't know who they are.
They go to a big building called a wrecked hall -- but if it was wrecked,
they got it fixed, because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises
there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there.
They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't
know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting
in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them.
Then they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells they think
are dollars. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot
how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night
-- Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how
to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall
and they call it "potluck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I
wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse
won't let them out.
**********
Two more great ones from PatETX...
I read this in Readers Digest about 40 years ago,
and I thought it was so funny it has stuck in my head all these years...
A little blonde girl was on the playground, swinging as high as she could,
loudly singing her version of "Put On Your Old Gray Bonnet":
Petunia roll gray bonnet,
Widow blue rip and darn it,
And we'll each hold dobbin to the sleigh.
Trudy fields of clover,
Weevil rod to Dover,
On our golden wetting day.
Pat allows as how this is a true story from her goofy family:
My uncle was the song leader at church, and he was at home trying to select
songs for the upcoming Sunday service. His 6-year-old son said, "Daddy, why
don't we sing the song about the dumb brother.?" My uncle said, "Jesse, I
don't think I know that one." Jesse said, "Yes you do! You know, the one
that goes (starts singing), 'Are you sowing the seeds of the kingdom, brother,
in the morning...' "
**********
From Beth Rogers comes a reminder that kids not
only SAY the darndest things, they also SEE the darndest things...and
misinterpret them...
We were driving down the road the other day and my four-year-old,
Ian, screamed out..."Mommy, Daddy, look!....It's a potty license plate!!"
We said, "Huh?" It was a license plate with the handicapped symbol on it.
He's seen it many times on the door to the restroom and immediately recognized
it on the license plate. And knew what it meant. LOL!
**********
MISSING AND MANGLED PUNCTUATION
Lordy, I wish I could remember some of these off the top of my head!!!
While I'm cogitating, I'll just put in something funny here that I found
online several months ago..... This was contributed in one of the SeniorNet
forums by Grade A 1 and I hope I'm not infringing on anyone's copyright.
If so, please send email immediately! This demonstrates the importance of
punctuation... and how it can affect the meaning of
something.
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever
when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
And now the OTHER punctuation..
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful
people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have
ruined me. For other men I yearn, For you I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy - will you let me be ? Yours,
Gloria
PARDON THE EXPRESSION...
My mother was a tormented woman...mostly by my brother and I when we
were teenagers.... she was easy to fluster and could utter some amazing
statements when we had bumfuzzled her into utter confusion...
For instance, we were having a conversation about a young man I was dating.
She was rather impressed by his family's wealth and station in life. I
wasn't...I'm shallow...and I said to her, "But, Mama, he's so UGLY!" Her
response to this was, "He's not as ugly as he looks." My brother and I burst
out laughing and she got irritated and stormed from the room, but not before
reminding us that, "You can't tell a book by it's contents!"
THE SCHOOL OF CONFUSION...
Student (and teacher) boo-boos contributed from some of the world's
finest people... educators...
**********
Some marvelous material contributed by Conrad
Geller (SignPoet) of Mount Kisco NY...
During a long teaching career, I collected boners from exams -- not grammatical
errors but confusion, caused by stress, about word usage. Here are a few
of them:
Almost always the person's fate is fatal and ends
up with a death.
Often when people are homeless, they give birth to homeless children and
the cycle goes on.
Cassius is the person who first thinks about murdering Caesar. Cassius then
forms a group called The Conspirators. (Ed. Note: Cassius and The
Conspirators, appearing nightly for your listening
pleasure???)
**********
COMING TO TERMS WITH FAMILY...
This section includes those expressions that creep into common usage
among families and groups of friends..... These even develop among deaf families,
sign language expressions and words that are peculiar to individual families..
Mine is a laughing, often irreverent family - we all love making others laugh.
I'll begin with some of our more polite ones...
CBreaux contributed this one.... and I think I'm gonna incorporate it into my everyday speech...
My mentally-retarded daughter has a wonderful way
with words. One of my favorites is her way of describing any monumental
goof-up as a "disastrophe."
**********
Lady Zinnia.....
The contribution from CBreaux reminded of one we often use to describe a reaction to a disastrophe... we have a catastrastroke..... not original; think we picked up that one from Cactus Jack Shanty Irish Okie Riley.....
**********
When we're getting ready to go out, we "goop up"
and put on "foo foo goo" and "foo foo water."
When someone is crying or sniffling, we call it "boobing" or "boobin'." That
means being a boob. From there come expressions like, "No boobin'!" which
is the equivalent of "don't cry" and "I'm boobin'," meaning "I'm crying."
I often bumfuzzle people when I say, "Now I'm boobin' out."
Oh, what the heck, here's a couple of rude ones...
"Max uggles" refers to something (or someone) we consider unattractive.
"Doin' the pp dance" (whispered urgently when in public but said aloud in
private) means we are in dire need of the facilities... This is often shortened
to just "Doin' the
dance..."
Cool award courtesy of The Corporation: Workin' you like the replace... and don't fail to miss The Corporation: Carpal Tunnel Workshop. Dr. I. N. Flict will help you....... yah....right..... hee hee hee hee hee (snort)
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