Geek Jokes

These are some select jokes that I have found and liked.  I hope you enjoy them too!

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women
(and what they actually mean)

10.  I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9.  There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer!)
8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (I'd rather have sex with a carnival worker who's on disability.)
7.  My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6.  I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat).
5.  I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were the only guy in the 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4.  It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3.  I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2.  I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1.  Let's be friends. (I'd like you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)


Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Britney Spears virus: Your two 3.5 inch floppies turn into 36D floppies.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus (AKA the Rosie virus): Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Your computer displays only porn and emits cigar smoke.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Dick Vitale virus: Makes your computer very loud and obnoxious, detracting from the program you're actually trying to view.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Technical Support Request Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
    A. Minor__
    B. Minor__
    C. Minor__
    D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
    A. Locked Up__
    B. Frozen__
    C. Hung__
    D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
    Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
    Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
    Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
    Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you?
    Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse?
    Yes__
12. Have you read the manual?
    Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
    Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
    No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
    Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
    Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
    Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?
    Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
    Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
    Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
    Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
    Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire?
    Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
    Yes__

Dr. Seuss Explains, Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

 
Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work!?"
The technical acronym handbook

 SCSI: System Cant See It.
HDD: Hangs, Drops Data.
FD: Forgets Data.
RAM: Regularly Annoying Malfunctions.
PCI: Plainly Crap Interface ISA: Incredibly Slows Access.
BIOS: Blatantly Ignorant Operating System (See WindowsX handbook)
CMOS: Cripples Most Output Signals.
KPBS: Konnection= Pure BullShit.
CPU: Control Phucked Up PSU: Performs System Undermining.
VDU: Visual Data Usurping.
PNP: Plug N Pray.
CD-ROM: Cancels Data- Regular Outage of Memory.
DVD: Daily Violation of Disk.
IDE: Inadvertent Data Errors.
EIDE: Extraneous Important Data Eradication.
PC: Pulls Cash.
MAC: Money Attraction Chute.
MICROSOFT: Massively Influential Company Relying On Shit Operation From
Tradegoods (phew!).
OS: Oh, Shit!
DOS: Data Overwrite String.
MS-DOS: Makes Some Data Overload System.
ISP: Internationally Slow Provider.
IBM: Infernally Built Machines.
DMA: Data Mashing Accessory.
IRQ: Internally Resounding Quakes.
UDMA: Unexpected Disk Malfunction Annoyance.
IDE (reprise): Intelligent Disk Eraser.
GIF: General Information Failure.
BMP: Blows Most Processors.
JPG: Jolly Phallic Graphics.
Top 20 Things Geeks Hear And Laugh About When Listening To Football
20.   He's got great hands.
19.   He beats them off (the line).
18.   He pounds it in.
17.   He found a hole and slid through it.
16.   He goes deep.
15.   He gets it off just in time.
14.   He could go all the way.
13.   He bangs it in.
12.   He blows them off (at the line).
11.   He gets penetration into the backfield.
10.   He had to stretch to get it in.
  9.   End around.
  8.   He found his tight end.
  7.   He's gonna feel that one tommorow.
  6.   When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding.
  5.   That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
  4.   It's a game of inches.
  3.   He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
  2.   He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
  1.   The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
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