Remembrance by damnation

Author's note: This story is the sequel to No Matter What, which is in turn the sequel to The Search. You may want to read them before you proceed.

Remembrance

by

d a m n a t i o n

shag_chic@hotmail.com

It's funny how things turn out to be. Events happen; yet nothing ever prepares you for their next turns. Be it good or bad, I have been enlightened that all things happen for a reason. I am still searching for that elusive reason, but of course, the lack of memory does nothing to help whatsoever.

Neither does the drunk mumbling in his puke a couple of metres away from where I am sitting down by the river. Night had fallen a few hours ago, leaving me in its darkness as well as my own. As time crept to approach dawn, my thoughts raced from me to when it all started.

It was complete darkness, where I resided. I had no idea exactly how long it had been, for time held no meaning; neither did I suspect for a moment that I wasn't going to spend my eternity in that liquid black, floating around.

And then there was light. God saw that the light was good, but it hurt my eyes. Then came a flurry of activities that I have come to associate with light from then on.

The first gulp of air was almost painful and most definitely labourous. The movement around the room were sketches of colors to begin with, but they slowly merged and focused and clear lines began to form. That was when I first saw her, and the immeasurable amount of joy in her eyes.

No, I am not telling you about my birth, although it would be an apt metaphor to use. I am a woman in her late twenties who had just woken up from five long months of comatose. With amnesia. No memories of my life before that very moment my eyes opened to the white glaring overhead light of the hospital.

It might be the secret wish of many to be in my place - a person with no past, no responsibilities, no memories, no sadness - but let me tell you now that it does not get better. Life just does not allow it to. But anyway, as I was saying, my eyes hurt. Bewildered by the voices and energy that had suddenly been insurged into the room, I only found calm in those deep green eyes that have become watery. My sanctuary.

Oh thank you, God! Kiara gave a silent prayer as the woman on the hospital bed opened her eyes for the first time since the accident. It had been over five months since the airplane crash and the doctors had told her time after time - albeit gently - that her lover might just never wake up from her sleep. She would be lying if she said that she had never lost hope, but yet again, the woman before her had proved them all wrong.

They didn't think she was able to survive, for one. Taylor had suffered multiple injuries to her head and her body had taken a major beating. But she did. When Kiara herself had awaken, she was devastated to learn about her lover's condition. Then one night about two months ago, Taylor's body went into shock. She had been advised to prepare herself for the inevitable, but the injured woman continued to hold on. She had fought so hard; past the injuries and even death to get to this stage. At the very moment Taylor looked into her eyes, Kiara knew without a doubt that absolutely nothing could darken her life past that stage. Her lover had woken up - everything was going to be alright.

"Ms. Paterson. Your friend's condition is stable." Kiara could not help the smile that overtook her features. She bit back the words that were hanging at the very tip of her tongue, waiting to fall out, to crow at the physicians who had been so sure that Taylor would never come to.

"However..." Kiara's head snapped up. "... she has lost all her memories."

Her head pounded so hard she thought her artery in her neck was about to burst. "N-Nothing at all?" she stammered out finally, her throat running dry.

"I'm afraid so."

Kiara tried to calm herself by taking in large gulps of air. It doesn't matter. Just as long as she's alive. It would come back to her. If not... if it doesn't, it still doesn't matter. Just as long as she's here with me.

She realised that she had missed a huge chunk of the doctor's speech. Standing up, she forced a smile into her face. "I'm going back to see her now. And I'd like her discharged as soon as possible, thank you." With that, she left the doctor's office.

Kiara is a beautiful, patient woman. But try as she might, I just cannot seem to recall any of the things she said that we shared - our lives, our love. It was frustrating, to say the least. I would never know how much I loved her, how much I cared. Therapies did little to help, and the uselessness and anger I felt when the doctors gave me their sympathetic looks and smiles were overwhelming. At times I would strike out at the things in my room - things I did not remember acquiring; things that probably had more memory in them than I had in me: the yearbooks with a more youthful me smiling out of them, the shot glasses with the names of the cities I had gotten them from all angered me. Eventually they all lay in a useless pile before me.

Other times, I would just collapse and cry when all the feelings welled up into a ball inside me and exploded. My moodswings were terrible enough to rock the richter scale and no one, including myself, could do anything about it.

Throughout the whole ordeal, Kiara refused to give up. She was always there by my side, telling me that she would love me no matter what. Even if I only had a clean slate to begin with, she did not mind building new memories with me. I was touched, but that could hardly equate to the love she had for me. I started feeling guilty. Maybe I was wasting her time. Maybe some part of me just did not want to remember her. When I look at the pictures we took, I wondered at the other me who could provide for her and satisfy her emotionally and physically. Then I would look at myself and scoff at my inability. The person she once loved is dead, and she might never be ressurrected.

My train of thoughts dispersed due to the sudden loud ranting emitted from the drunk. He had gotten up unsteadily from his spot, enabling me to see him with the faint light from the roadside lamp. A sorry sight he is, vomit forming a dark stain on his tattered light brown jacket. His hair was unkempt and covered most of his features in a thick brown beard. As he sauntered past me, I turned away, hoping to be unnoticed.

The slurred voice faded off in the distance just as night drew towards dawn. A new day, with a new beginning. Full of promise, filled with hope. I wondered how many people actually see the significance of each day; a chance to create something rather than another round of the never ending clockwork that would only cease to end the day their lives did. Cocking my head to a side, I picked myself up and proceeded to the nearest cafe that was opening up for the day.

The days that followed my recovery to the world were tedious to say the least. I was brought back to my house - a glass beach house, mind you - by my charge, Kiara, and as I stepped past the oblong doorway, I was hurled into a life that I created but had forgotten.

Everything provoked my sense of curiosity. I have three pets - a black cat with startling green eyes and two terriers. The dogs did not seem to recognise me, and were confused that my scent resembled most of the objects in the house. The cat, however, caught onto me like the plague. He refused to leave my side, guarding me jealously. I was bemused, as was Kiara, but she implied that she had known that this would happen.

"Taylor..." It was a dark windy night. I looked up to see the face I had come to know so well look back at me with equal intensity. She had something important to say.

Fidgeting slightly, Kiara sat down beside me on the couch. We had spent the day fruitlessly going through the mind exercises that the doctors had prescribed. I knew right then that she was going to tell me that she has given up all hope of me ever recovering fully. I knew that she was going to leave me. I felt no regret, only despair that the only anchor I had was going to leave me.

"I know that it's been hard for you these couple of weeks. It has been for me too." I nodded solemnly, trying to stop my tears from spilling out. I had to consider her future too... Why should she waste her time, her life with someone she had once loved?

"I just want you to know that it doesn't matter if you remember your past or not. I will always be here for you. Things will not change, Taylor, I will always love you, regardless."

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I felt as if something had slammed squarely in my face, causing my vision to blur and breathe to quicken. "No." I answered, confused as to what I was saying no to, but knowing that it was the right thing to say.

"What?" I had gotten her confused as well. Collecting myself, I looked away awkwardly.

"I do not want you to do that." Funny. I was so sure that she was going to leave but now that I knew she wasn't, I wanted her to.

"You... what do you mean?"

Kiara. She was the kindest person, the gentlest nurse. She held me when I despaired, lifted me when I fell. Our past was told to me, her memory being the only portal we have to the days gone. I had come to hate the self I was before the accident. The accident had succeeded in dividing me into two separate beings with two separate lives and history, and the person that Kiara cared about, the person that she was staying for, wasn't me. It was the old Taylor.

"I know that you think you love me, but you don't." Kiara started shaking her head but I signalled for her to let me continue. "You love the Taylor whom you met on the ship - the businesswoman who protected you from your ex-lover, the vulnerable being who cried in your arms when her family scorned her. I am not her, and to love me like you love her is not right. I will never be her." Kiara proceeded on to assure me that I am her and that even if I never got my memories back, we would build new ones.

"But you don't love me. And it isn't fair. Our memories - your memories with her would always be in the way. I see the way you look at me - I see patience borned out of the love for her."

She finally saw what I wanted her to. It was a competition that I would never be able to win if we had stayed together. She had to have time to get over the me that no longer exist. And I needed time to create something that wasn't hers. We agreed to part, letting fate take us wherever we were meant to go. It wasn't an easy task, but it was for the best. It was time for me to get on my own two feet and pave a world on my own. I prayed that we would meet again, under a different circumstance, and not under any obligation.

"What would you like?"

My head snapped up to the intruding voice of a waitress wanting to take my order. "Um... I'd like some toast and a cup of coffee please." She nodded dutifully and went off to do her duties.

The first thing I did after Kiara and I parted was to sell off my place. Kiara had requested for the dogs so I rendered them to her, but I didn't know what I was to do with Velvet. In the end decided to take him along with me in my travels. A strange sort of attachment had formed between the mammal and me, and parting with it seemed too heartless. He seemed to know that I was a different being from his previous master, and accepted it. Everything else was either auctioned off or given to the salvation army. I wanted no part of her past. And then, I packed my bags and left.

I did not know where my destination was. All I knew was that I had to go, and there were plenty of money in the numerous banks I have under my name to do just that. Everywhere I went, I thought of Kiara. There were a number of times I thought to call her, but something would always stop me. I sent her postcards, though, telling her about the beautiful places I visited - Paris, Rome, Greece, Thailand... I never settled down long in a place, so more often than not, I did not hear from her. The very few times that I actually got her cards, I learnt that she had quit the police force and was strictly devoted to her writings.

As for myself, I spent my days travelling from one beautiful city to the next, all in the hope of trying to find myself. I even made a trip down to Singapore, wanting to meet the family that I knew existed. Kiara had called them to inform them about my condition, so it did not come as a shock to them. I appeared to have grieved my father, and stayed longer than I had expected so that I might please him, but before long my wanderlust overtook me again, and I left after having made peace with my family. It was in one of those journeys that I met her.

The laughter was so alluring, like a ray of sunshine pushing through the dark clouds. I had looked up to inspect the source and met eyes with a medium built woman. She wasn't what one would describe as conventionally pretty, but if what they said about eyes being the windows to the soul, then she had to be the one with the most beautiful soul of all. Unlike Kiara's, this woman's eyes were so light a gray that I swear they looked silver at times. She had dark mahogany hair that barely reached her shoulders and her features were distinct proofs to a mixed heritage.

Then the moment passed, and I wasn't sure if we had actually made eye contact. It had been almost a year since I had left my past - or the lack thereof, to build a new life. Velvet had passed on the previous summer, leaving me more lonely than I had ever felt since I woke up to this life. It was inevitable - old age being the cause. At least I had the comfort of knowing that he was not in any pain when he left, sleeping and never waking to see the next day. I had him buried in a pet cemetery, a simple headstone erected in his eternal resting place. And then, in the slight rain that cleansed the earth that day, I cried for the friend who loved me unconditionally.

Raising my head again to sneak a peek at the woman who had gotten my interest, I was disappointed to find that she was no longer there. Picking up my things, I walked over to the nearest bus station for a ride back to a small rented apartment.

I combed my hand through my short hair, wondering how I had endured the trouble of long hair before. I had my hair shaven off in one of my travels, finding it much easier to handle. As I approached the elevator, I was pleasantly surprised to find the same woman in the park standing there. The look she gave me, though, quelled the emotion. What, did she think that I had followed her?

She hurried into the small cubicle as the door slid open, and I followed suit. I saw the 5 button lighted and rested leisurely on the wall of the elevator as it ascended. I could feel the intensity in the small area as my unwilling companion anticipated an attack of some sort. I rolled my eyes, keeping my back to her. Thankful that the elevator door finally opened, I stepped out first, making my way briskly to my apartment. I gathered that I would never see her again, for I would be leaving in a few days' time, not knowing that that was the first of the many encounters I would have with her.

"Toothbrush... um..." I went to the toilet and plucked the item and the rest of the accessories in its vicinity from their resting place. I had booked a ticket to Crete, Greece. It was a spur of a moment decision, really, for I had stumbled upon an article on the Minoan Culture. I have gone to mainland Greece before, but never to Crete, and I thought that it would be rather educational, not to mention interesting for me to make the trip.

Bags packed, I slipped out of the rented apartment and made my way to the lift. So occupied with my thoughts, I did not notice someone coming towards me until we made contact.

"Oh! Sorry." I mumbled. Looking up, I realized that it was the same woman I saw in the park and elevator a week or so ago. She looked slightly out of focus, and upon noticing that my apologetic look changed into one of concern. "Are you okay?" I asked, a little alarmed that she was swaying a little.

"Um..." she put her hand up to her head and attempted to right herself. "Yeah, I..." before she could complete her little speech of reassurance, she collapsed in my arms.

Three fifteen. I stood outside the hospital ward, idly wondering the how the sound of my name on the intercom at the airport about an hour away from the hospital would be like. At one point I was rather sure I would have been rather grateful that God had let her fall right into my arms, but that was just too literal. Now, waiting outside the ward for a virtual stranger, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, letting my rather expensive ticket to Greece go to waste. Moreover, hospitals weren't on the list of my favourite places.

"Miss?" I looked up at the green clothed doctor who looked a little irked. She must have been calling for me for quite some time.

"Um, yes?" I hope she was going to be fine.

"Are you the patient's friend?" she asked in a clipped, businesslike tone. I shook my head.

"I live in the same building as she does and she happened to faint on me when I was on my way to the lift so I brought her here." I accounted.

The doctor nodded. "Well, we can't get hold of any of the patient's relative or anything for the moment, but I'm sure we'll get something when she gets up. In the meantime, would you rather leave knowing that your good deed for the day is done?"

She was sure annoying. I watched ER occasionally and I could gather that doctors were pretty much overworked or something but that attitude...

"I'm sorry." Hm? She was apologizing? To say that I looked a little surprised was putting it a little lightly. The look must have mirrored on my face for she went on explaining herself.

"I don't mean to be cranky but I haven't had the best day. There has been a fire downtown and I've been working fifteen hours straight without any coffee, so..." I nodded. Who was I to say anything? Me, a professional bummer who's rich enough to travel the world in my freetime?

"No problem." I said. "I think I'd like to take a look at her, if you don't mind."

She gave me a tired smile. "No, go straight ahead."

I turned to go but stopped in my tracks and looked back at her with a crooked smile. "By the way, if you do have time for that coffee, we could go get it together."

"Sure." she smoothed her hair unconsciously. "I'd like that."

The woman was lying prone on the bed, her face pale and lifeless. Walking over to the clipboard, I scanned for her name and found that it was Bronte Selling.

Selling what? I snickered lightly, sobering up almost immediately. What a time to be mean about another's name! God!

Maike - that was the doctor's name, by the way - had told me that Bronte suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She didn't have time to say much before she had to rush back to work, but I had read about the illness somewhere. There was even a programme on it before... something about these women who suffered from the illness not being able to get compensation from their insurance companies. Shaking my head, it suddenly crossed my mind that the woman on the bed would not be able to hold a job.

The movement on the bed indicated Bronte's revival and suddenly I felt a little awkward being in the room. Apprehensive at her reaction upon finding me there, I wasn't prepared for the smile that greeted me.

"Hey." her voice was soft.

"Hi." At least we're past the introduction stage. Or are we?

"You live on the same landing as I do, don't you?" I nodded, glad that I wasn't wiped clean from her slate. "Thanks for um, bringing me here." I shrugged.

She waited. "Um..." I glanced up at her looking at me. Those eyes were a very light shade of gray. "What?" I looked ready to bail.

"What's your name?" she asked. Okay, I could handle that.

"Taylor."

"Nice to meet you, Taylor. Sorry I had to fall in on you like that." I grinned, visibly relaxed. We talked for a while before Bronte started feeling tired. I left her there, feeling a little tired myself as well. We didn't say much, merely making small talk. I found out that she had a sister but she was out of town. They weren't very well to do, but they got by with her sister's wages and her own private savings.

I spied a vending machine at the end of the corridor and went towards it, in search for a drink. Digging my hands in my pocket for some spare change, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi." A smiling Maike in her civilian clothing stood a couple of centimetres shorter than me.

"So we meet again." My smile reflected hers. The line I delivered her earlier on about the coffee was done on an impulse and I didn't think she would really want to carry out the truce that was in a guise of request.

"Getting that coffee without me, huh?" she joked, pointing to the vending machine and I mock groaned.

"Caught." We chuckled a little. "So, you're going home?"

She nodded. "Finally." she breathed in relieve. "I do love my work and all but I am just washed out."

"Not even up for a little coffee?" Sometimes I surprise even myself. The audacity of asking the woman out after she complained of being dog tired!

"Oh well, what's a couple of minutes more." she acquiesced to my delight.

Well, well... "Coffee it is." I tilted my head and we went in search of some caffeine. Something in my head told me that this wasn't such a bad trade for a nice, lonely holiday in Crete.

"Taylor!" I looked up at the shout and my face broke into a smile. The present chased away the past for a moment as my friend took the seat opposite me.

"You're late." I rebuked him playfully. Alan gave me a boyish smile before turning to the waitress with a wink and his order.

Finishing with that promptly, he turned his attention back towards me and cocked his head. "So," he began, "how have you been?" I shrugged, the slight lingering smile betraying my want to appear neutral.

"Ahh..." he caught on rather quickly. "Tell me all. Now." he demanded. "But first, how is Bronte?"

My face clouded and he knew. "Bad?" he sympathised, his previous bouyant mood firmly in check. I nodded as he sighed. "Well, are you gonna tell me or do I have to suffer the agony of not knowing what in hell happened to my friend?"

Alan, dramatic as ever. Still the charming male I met a year ago, but so much more than just someone passing through my life like I thought he would. On his pressing glance, I began my narrative in words.

Bronte and I saw each other frequently. She called me her Saviour... but deep down inside I think I was the one who got rescued. I found out certain interesting stuff about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Bronte experienced tiredness easily. Sometimes she would just waste the whole day on the couch with no recollection of where the time went, and other times she would feel fine. Which was the reason why she did not truly believed that she was sick initially. And when she eventually did, she fought. Suddenly I saw how empty I was beside this woman who actually had a reason to live.

Anyway, what I meant about the statement of me being rescued was the way she changed my outlook in life. While she tried her damnedest to not waste her life away, to try and make sense of what was happening to her, I was doing my very best to run away from everything I never knew I had to somewhere where I could stop feeling lost. I was doing a really good job, except that it wasn't stated on any of my air ticket that I could feel lost anywhere.

Then I finally faced the truth that I was just afraid of being in one place long enough to create any memory in it with anything more than just the scenary. I didn't think that I would feel anything when I reached the imminent conclusion that I was just a plain coward underneath all that excuses, but I did. I actually felt like I owed it to myself to try and create something more beautiful in my mental storage bank than empty, albeit majestic, scenaries. And thus I reached the decision to try and live a life like any normal human being. That's all that I am as well.

"Sure, I'll see you then." I smiled into the phone receiver before hanging up and turning to face an impish looking Bronte. "What?" Damn, it was difficult to keep that smile in check and try to look stern and the same time.

"Someone's got a date?" she grinned, enjoying my discomfort.

Shrugging my shoulders nonchalantly, I chose not to answer.

"That's the third time this week, Carmen." she giggled. I looked at her, amused. She did not act her thirty two years at all.

"Don't you have other things to do than to spy on my personal life?" I accused playfully. Ever since Bronte has been discharged, I had convinced her that it would be more practical for her to share accommodation with someone else who could look out for her and share her rent. I didn't think she would conveniently decide that the someone would be me.

"Yeah, like what? Watch Jerry Springer's re-runs and curse at the guests' stupidity when I could do that to you?" She squealed when the cushion I flung at her landed on its mark.

"What stupidity?" I demanded, knowing full well what she was going to say.

Rolling her eyes, Bronte threw the cushion back at me. "There, it's showing itself again." I glared at her and she stifled her laughter. "Just that you've gone out with Maike for almost a month already and you haven't even touched her hand!" she exclaimed.

Yes, why haven't you? a voice in my head mocked me. Because I'm not the type that would jump into anything. I shot out defensively. Who the hell was I kidding? "That's cos' everytime I screw up enough courage to do so, either her beeper rings or her mobile does."

"Occupational hazard, sweetie. She's a doctor, she has to work for the greater good, you know."

This time I rolled my eyes. "Yes I understand. Therefore it's not me, it's just that circumstances do not present me with the right sets of opportunity, that's all."

"Whatever." Bronte answered. "But tonight's the night, babe! Go for it, okay? I wanna see you happy." I smiled, wondering for the hundredth time if I deserved it.

"You look tired." She looked tired.

"Hm? Oh yeah... been helluva day." Maike rolled her head and smiled at me. I tried to think of something to say but my mind went blank.

"Carmen? Why so quiet?"

I don't know, really. Something's just eating me up tonight. Figuratively speaking, that is.

"Maybe just a little tired as well." I smiled. "Did some shopping around town today."

"Really? What did you get, anything interesting?"

I took out a box and placed it before her. "What's that?" she grinned, her tiredness suddenly gone from her face. A feeling of de ja vu overcame me that split second and then it went, leaving me slightly skeptical as to whether it really occurred.

"Open it." I smiled outwardly while trying to reach for that feeling that was taunting me at the back of my head.

She did, and her face lit up at the intricately designed musical box that I bought on a whim. Her fingers ran across the silver lid softly before lifting it, letting loose a stream of melodic notes that made her smile curve up even more. It was then that it hit me that it was all wrong. The restaurant, the present, the music, the food, the place... and ultimately the person.

It wasn't because of her beeper or her mobile, my nervousness or anything like that. Something in me just knew before I did that I did not make any move because I didn't want to. It didn't matter that I had no memory of events with Kiara, some part of me recognized her and her importance. It didn't matter because now that I'm still alive I could make new memories with her. That is, if she still wants to, with me.

"Carmen?"

I looked back at Maike, a little overwhelmed at the sudden realization that hit me like a truck on full speed.

"Is everything okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I love it." she smiled.

I nodded again and paused before what I knew I was going to say. "I'm glad. It's a farewell gift."

"What?" she looked confused. I guess she had the right to be. It's all my fault, all over again. But I'm going to make it right. I hope I was still in time.

"I'm leaving. Tomorrow. I guess I won't be seeing you for a while."

"What... where? Why the sudden..."

My heart wrenched. If she felt hurt, how painful was it for Kiara? I couldn't believe what a colossal idiot I have been for the last couple of years.

"I guess you could say that I stopped running, Maike. I'm sorry... I know that you... I did think hope for something to happen between us as well. I like you. A lot... but there's someone else. Someone I loved very much and I think I still do. I have to go back and win her back, even though I'm not sure if she would, after all I've put her through."

"There's someone else?" Maike looked disgusted. I cringed inwardly.

"I..." she sighed. "It's not as if we have any commitment or anything, Carmen."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry." she gave me a pained smile.

"I guess that's it then." Looking at me, she laughed the tension off. "Don't act as if you broke my heart or anything, Miss Taylor."

I smiled uncertainly. "Does that mean we're still friends?"

She nodded. "Hell yeah. If you ever need a doctor here, you know where to holler." I breathed a sigh of relief and snickered lightly along with her.

After a while, she looked me in the eye and said with a tone of seriousness, "Hurry Carmen, time waits for no man."

Indeed.

"... and thank you for flying with us. Have a nice trip!" the intercom crackled a little before going silent. The cabin was already bustling with activities of passengers fumbling for their bags in the overhead compartments. Taking a deep breath to calm the funny feelings the little somersaults in my stomach were giving me, I remained rooted to my seat. Finally unable to ignore the irritated clearing of throat of the woman beside me waiting to get onto the aisle, I detached myself from the airplane seat and allowed her safe passage.

This is dumb. You're gonna make a fool out of yourself. What are you gonna say? "Hi, I'm back. Can I be in your life again? I was stupid to have left..."? No way... Sighing, I walked over to belt 5 to collect my luggage.

Smiling absentmindedly at the memory of Bronte's face when I told her my decision the night before, I did not notice a figure before me until it was too late.

"Sorry, sorry." I apologised profusedly, bending down to gather my belongings and coat that I had dropped in surprise. I noticed that the figure did not move. Darn. Does he want me to compensate him? I thought, rolling my eyes before I straightened myself.

I guess it was the assumption that the figure was a man that took my breath away when I realised that he was a she, and what a gorgeous one at that!

"Taylor?"

Oh, God! She knows my name? I was ready to swoon. She looked vaguely familiar. For a while I couldn't place where I had seen her before, and then it hit me that I saw her in one of the movies I flipped through on the airplane. What was her name? M... M...?

I cocked my head slightly. It had been quite a long time since someone addressed me as Taylor. "Um.. yeah?" I hoped I didn't sound like a stuttering kid.

"Taylor!" She pulled me into her embrace, drawing many inquisitive and some envious glances from the people around us.

Calm down, my heart. It's just an actress hugging me. A very gorgeous actress. A drop dead gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, um.. what's that scent? Nice, very nice smelling actress... And for the love of God, I can't even remember her bloody name!

"Where have you been? It has been so long, and all I heard was just blurry stories about you getting into an accident and after that, not a word from you! Where have you been? God!" she sped on, tears welling in her eyes. Beautiful, beautiful blue eyes.

"Um..." I looked uncertainly at her. She definitely knew me. Kicking myself mentally, I wondered why I never bothered to find out about Taylor's... my past. But then again, I knew. I didn't want to have anything to do with the old me... Now...

"What? You..." The tall brunette stepped back hesitantly, worried that she had gotten the wrong person.

"I... Don't worry, I am Taylor. I just don't remember anything that happened to me before the accident so..." Understanding dawned upon her. "Um... I think we're attracting... I mean, you're attracting a lot of attention here, so shall we go grab a drink or something?

She nodded with a smile, sad yet anticipating.

"And that's what happened." I stubbed out my cigarette and lifted up my drink to my lips. The actress was silent for a while, as if trying to absorb what had happened the past few years in a span on a few minutes. She had introduced herself. Her name was Melanie Johnston, Mel for short. And we were supposed to have been friends for a really long time. When my accident occurred, she was shooting a film in a far off location and did not complete it till I had begun my "World Travel Plan". By that time, it would have been really difficult to track me down.

All her news about me came from Kevin, her cousin... another old friend of mine. We were supposed to have been very close in our highschool days. The three of us and Luke.

Luke... he was the only person from my past other than Kiara and my family that I checked up about. I had to know where my last name came from. I was definitely not a Caucasian. Somehow a part of me was glad that I didn't remember him. I didn't think I would appreciate the torment of reliving his death.

"Taylor?" I looked up at Mel and realized that she had been trying to get my attention for a while.

"Yeah?"

"This is a little weird for me... I... I know you cannot really remember me and the things we shared, but can we be friends?" she asked, hopefully.

That was incredible. A rich and famous, not to mention (actually I know I have been mentioning that quite profusely) beautiful actress wanting, hoping to be my friend? What was the old Taylor really like, I wondered.

"Um, yeah." I grinned. "Just as long as you remember that I'm not the old Taylor... maybe I look like her or even act like her, I'm not her. I'm still trying to find out who I am. I... it's been hard and I've been a coward to have ran away but now I'm back and..." I took a deep breath. She was looking expectantly at me. "... and I intend to stay. If I can."

Dropping my bags on the floor, I plopped onto the hotel bed and shut my eyes. Mel had wanted me to stay with her for a while till I got a place but I declined. I reckoned I would get a heart attack everytime her blue eyes rested on me.

Heh. Yeah yeah, whatever you say. The little voice in my head nagged at me.

Taking a deep breath, I kicked my shoes off and shifted myself higher up the bed with my eyes still closed. Pulling the neatly tucked in cover, I attempted to wrap it around my waist and fell asleep.

I opened my eyes as my mouth formed an 'O'. The silent cry was never emitted, but the freshness of the dream coursed through my body. The events within it were jumbled but the fear that gripped me retained its tenuous hold and my heart pounded almost painfully against my ribcage.

Taking a deep breath, I dragged myself off the hotel bed still fully clothed, and made my way to the bathroom. I did not understand the feeling that gripped me. It felt as if something bad was happening...

To whom?

Good question. I did not have a damn clue.

"Hello?" A female voice answered the phone. She sounded much older than Kiara.

Heart almost jumping out of my throat, I took a hurried breath. "Hi. I'm, um... Can I speak to Kiara please?"

"Who is this?"

Something irrational inside me wondered if she would come to the phone if I gave my identity. "This is Carmen... Carmen Taylor."

The voice hesitated a little. "She's in the hospital."

What? "What?" I stood straight up, my attention totally focused on the speaker on the other end of the line.

"Yes, um, I'm her housekeeper. Ms. Paterson has been admitted to the hospital a few hours ago. She met with an accident."

Slamming the cab door shut, I ran into the hospital that Mrs. Evans, Kiara's housekeeper had given me and scanned for the Information counter.

"I'm looking for Kiara Paterson. She was admitted a couple of hours ago, car accident. Which room is she in?"

Looking up at me, the nurse in charge clicked a few keys on the keyboard before her. "How do you spell that?"

Clenching my jaws in impatience, I spelt out the name of the woman I travelled half the world to see and gave her a curt nod when she finally told me the room number to Kiara's ward.

Turning the knob, I peeked into the ward and my heart lurched when I saw Kiara lying on the bed, her face pale and a side of it covered with abrasions.

God. The feelings that rushed up within me felt foreign. I had forgotten, or rather, tried to forget the feelings that Kiara could cause within me. Then the past misgivings I had about the whole situation came back to me again and I shook them all aside. This was not the time nor the place for that sort of mental assault.

Sitting down on the empty chair beside the bed, I noticed that it was slightly warm. Taking the limp hand of the wounded blonde on the bed, I wondered at how foreign but soft it felt in mine. A feeling of dejavu hit me just then. A sleepy look, a loving smile... The sun shining in on the bed...

"T-Taylor?"

The whisper was so soft I almost missed it. I looked from our hands to her face and the sight of her misty green eyes caused a smile to take over my face. Letting go of her hand quickly, I thought I saw a disappointed look on her face but I could not be sure.

"I... I heard about your accident and I rushed down to see you." I stammered out awkwardly, all the prepared speech I had rehearsed over and over in my head during the flight did not seem right for me to use then.

"How... when..." she started, her voice slightly weak.

"Um, do you want some water or anything?" I offered. It suddenly seemed so awkward. I ran out on her, cut her almost completely from my life, and now I was back, saying hi to her beside her bed in a ward?

Geez Carmen, great timing.

"No, I'm fine." she smiled. "Actually the doctor said I'm okay to go. He just wanted me to stay a while for observation, in case I got some head injuries, but the nurse came before I fell asleep again to tell me that I could go."

"What? But, but you don't look okay to me. Your... your face, your arm... they're cut and... and what if you need medical attention? Who's your doctor? Maybe I should go see if he did a thorough check on you. What if there's internal bleeding? Sleep it off? What kinda doc.."

Kiara started giggling and laid her hand on mine. "Hey, it's okay. I'm really okay. It was just carelessness on my part and these are just superficial wounds. Really."

I clamped my mouth shut and rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. Who was I to be going on and on about her welfare?

"Hey." I looked up at her to see her smiling at me.

"Thanks. For being worried and all."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, it's nothing. I... that's the least a friend can do, yeah?"

"So, what are you doing back here? The last card I received from you, you were in Australia." she changed the subject.

Uh oh. The truth? Is she ready for the truth? Then again, am I?

"I... wanted to um, see you." I stated plainly. It was not a lie, nor the whole truth.

Partial truth isn't a lie, is it?

"Oh." She looked down, a hint of a smile on her face. I wasn't sure if it was the smile that lingered from her earlier giggling or if it was a reaction to my statement.

"And I had to pick such a great timing to come, huh? So um... is there anyone here who's gonna bring you home?" I suddenly remembered that the seat that I was in was still warm when I plopped into it.

"Well yeah, as a matter of fact... She must have gone to the loo or gotten a drink or something." I nodded, feeling out of place. She had her friends, her own life... people to take care of her. Why should I assume that she wanted me to take her back?

"I guess I'll call on you another day, then? You should get back to sleep."

I began to get up halfway when she held my eyes in hers. "I appreciate this, Taylor. If you have time, give me a ring and we can meet up or something." I searched her gaze for some hint of pretense or obligation but came up with nothing. My hand reached out of its own accord and brushed her cheek lightly with my knuckles. Missing the odd look in her face completely, I picked up my coat and smiled.

"I don't even know where you stay?" she added.

"The Sheridan Hotel. Um, tell you what. I'll give you a call tonight..." giving her a quick glance, I changed my mind. She needed time to rest. "... Or maybe tomorrow afternoon? Or would day after be better? Next week?"

Kiara started giggling again.

"What?" I asked, befuddled. Nothing seemed particularly funny to me. Arranging a time when I could give her a call certainly was a very serious matter.

"Nothing. You just seem so... anxious to get things right."

"I am."

"Oh." She sobered up considerably, but the mischievious glint was evident in those green orbs. Thank God she was okay. "I think tonight's fine, Taylor. With all the sleep I've been getting I don't think I'll be sleeping a lot tonight."

"Okay." I grinned. "Talk to you tonight then."

Walking out of the ward, I ran smack into a warm human wall. "Sorry!" I exclaimed.

"No worries." The obstacle in my path was a woman of my height with sandy blondish curls.

Walking past her briskly without a single glance back, I ran my hand through my hair and sighed for no reason.

The woman whom I ran into after getting out of Kiara's ward was her friend, Lynn.

Friend? I'm sure it's more than just that. A voice within me taunted.

Aw, shuddup. So what? I don't care. I've decided. If she's seeing someone I'll just get the hell outta here.

Hah. That's what you always do, isn't it? Run. Scaredy cat.

"What do you think I should do then, smartass?" I asked myself with annoyance. "Stay and make a fool of myself? I shouldn't wreck her life again. I'm not gonna hurt her again."

You always think of such benevolent excuses for yourself, huh? Why don't you just admit that you're just plain scared of rejection? Don't you think that she's worth it? Worth fighting for? Cut the crap and admit it.

Taking a deep breath, I reached for my lighter. Eyes closed, I attempted to end the verbal combat that was catching on fire in my mind. Fight for her. Sure I could. But then again, why did I want to do that? Didn't I think that the best thing for us was for me to go away and find myself? I tried to think back to what made me fly half the world in the first place and reached for the phone.

"Hi. I brought you some beer and a pie for dessert."

Kiara had invited me over to her place for a barberque party that her friends were throwing for her, sort of like something to counter the ominous feeling of the car accident.

"Thanks. Come on in." Kiara looked great in a green sweat shirt and faded blue jeans. Winter was fast approaching and the air was turning chilly. "My friends just went to the supermart to get some stuff." I nodded, feeling lost.

"Are you gonna be here long? Or is it just a short visit?" Kiara asked while putting the beer I brought into the fridge. She took out two chilled ones and handed one to me.

"Um... I'm not sure yet. I..." Gee... whatever are you gonna say, Carmen? I willed the irritating voice to silence itself and stumbled on. "I don't think I'll be leaving anytime soon." I declared in defiance to the little naggy voice inside my head.

"Really?" Kiara sipped at her beer and sat down at the counter in her kitchen. "Come on, take a seat. We have lots of catching up to do." she motioned for me to sit beside her.

Gulping the beer, I moved towards the stool. Her hair was slightly longer than the last time I saw her. Two years ago. The wounds on her face seem to be recovering very well, they had all dried up and the bruises were fading.

"By the way, nice hair." she commented, her eyes twinkling.

Why is she so nice? Why does she treat me as if nothing had happened - as if I didn't leave her? Maybe it's because she's moved on. Yeah, that must be it. It doesn't hurt anymore... why should it?

Feeling a little disheartened by her jovial attitude (really selfish of me to be feeling that too, if I may add), I shrugged and tilted the bottle in my hand.

"How's your arm?" I asked, looking for something safe to say. I did not want to hear if she was seeing anyone just yet.

"Oh! It's okay, healing really well, actually." she looked away suddenly.

"What happened anyway?"

"Um... I rushed across the street when the light was red and a car hit me." She said quickly. It seemed as if she was hiding something but I couldn't pinpoint it. Why should she hide anything?

"Geez, did the bugger send you to the hospital?" I demanded.

"Yeah... it wasn't his fault anyway... I was really careless. Should have seen where I was going."

I nodded slowly, not knowing what to say. "I missed you."

There. It just came out like that. Totally out of timing, out of place but it popped out anyway. The silence that followed it was deafening. I wish I could crawl into a hole right then and disappear. Maybe smash myself with the beer bottle or something. Anything that could break the silence.

"Kiara! We're back!" I turned back to my beer when she got up from her seat at the shout.

"You coming?" she asked behind me, her hand on my shoulder. I nodded and finished the bottle of beer before getting up from the stool. It was going to be a looong hard day. I guess I deserved that.

This was the most awkward day in my brief span of memory.

Sitting there with my fifth bottle of beer and absolutely no appetite, I did not even bother to strike up small talk with anyone. All I could do was to put our short yet explanatory conversation in the kitchen a while ago on repeat mode in my brain. I told her I missed her, she did not reply.

That, was negative evidence. Silence could mean so much more than words at times. I wondered if I should make my reappearance in her life clear? If I should tell her what my real motive was? Shrugging unconsciously, I lifted my only comrade in the entire place to my lips and gulped it.

"Taylor, you okay? You've been really quiet." I looked up to see the object of my thoughts hovering before me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You go on ahead and have fun." I willed myself to smile at her, trying to show her how much fun I was having with my beer. Evidently, I was failing because the look on her face was everything but believing.

"You sure?" I nodded. I caught someone staring at me from the corner of my eyes and recognized her as Lynn, the sandy blonde whom I ran into at the hospital.

"Your friend seems to want something." I said nonchalantly, tilting my head towards Lynn's direction. Kiara turned as well, causing Lynn to glance away hurriedly.

"I'll be right back."

"I know you." I turned to the voice beside me. It came from a man who looked like he was in his fifties.

"Yeah? Well I don't know you." I was really in a piss-ass mood right then.

"You're the lover who jilted her, aren't you?"

Almost choking on my beer I turned and regarded the man beside me with new interest. "I did not jilt her."

"No?" He eyed me warily. "Look here, I love that girl like she's my own daughter, so don't go screwing around with her alright?"

Glaring slightly at his offending tone, I took some time to phrase what I was going to say next. Not know why I was explaining myself to a man that I didn't even know, I reckoned I needed to hear it from myself, for myself what I had to say.

"I came back in an attempt to mend the wrong that I did. I left as I did because I did not want her to love someone that I wasn't... in the hope that I could be that someone. I'm not the person that I was before my accident. If you ask me now how I came up with the idea of coming back here if all I wanted before was to get away, I can't explain it. I just know... Something inside me tells me that what I need, who I need is her. I just want to be a part of her life again. I won't force her to love me or anything, I... I'll be happy if she just wants to be friends. That's all I want."

I did not think that the speech would cause me so much angst. Willing myself to hold back my tears, I started swearing mentally at the alcohol which I attributed my loss of control over my emotions to.

"Hey." I looked back at the man, my jaws clenched and eyes damp. His eyes softened. "I guess you have to look at both sides of the story at all times, huh?"

"I don't think I'm anyone to make any comments on the relationship-" he glanced at her talking to Lynn and then back at me, "-or the lack of one between the two of you, but here's what I think."

"You were the one who made the decision to go." I looked away.

Guilty as charged, eh Carmen?

"You can't just waltz back in and want to be a part of her life just like that. She deserves more than just that."

It seems that it's game over for you, old girl.

"If she's who you think you want, no... I mean, if she's who you know you want, fight for her." I looked up from my beer, surprised at what the man was telling me.

"But you have to be sure. Sure that you are not going to pull what you pulled on her once before. If you love her like you claim you do, you have to think it over. Don't hurt her again. Because if you do, this time she has me to kick your ass."

I could not control the laugh that escaped from my lips. God, this man here was advising me about the most important thing in my life; threatening me on top of that and I didn't even know his name.

"What?" He asked, looking slightly piqued at being laughed at.

"No, no... thank you, really. I just... it's just... it's been a shitty week. I... thank you. I'm just wondering what your name is."

At that, he loosened a little and actually gave me a smile. "Harris." He offered a hand to me. "Harris Rendall. I'm the owner of the book store down the street, so if you want any recommendation of good books to read, drop by some time."

I took his hand in mine and gave it a shake. "I will. Now, what about another drink?"

As I got up from my seat to take the route I knew so well by then to get some drinks, Harris smiled at Kiara who was observing the conversation whilst Lynn was observing her. Kiara smiled at the man she had come to consider one of her closest friend before throwing a thoughtful glance at the door leading to the kitchen. Letting the gaze linger for a while, she turned back to her barberque pit and smiled at the joke her friends were telling, all the while not noticing the look Lynn was giving the suddenly offensive looking kitchen door.

Think you big idiot! How can you see her again? C'mon, you have to go sooner or later you know? Standing near the doorway, I thought furiously at what I was going to do to secure another meeting. This thing would not work if I can't even get to see her. How then would she know that I wanted another try at the possibility of a friendship if not more?

"Taylor." It took me a second before I realized that she was addressing me. Darn, I'm really not used to being called that anymore.

"Thanks for coming." she smiled.

I cocked my head slightly, thinking it was then or never. "No problem. Hope you get well soon. Um..." FIne, I'm a chicken-shit. "... I'll see you then."

"Did you drive here?" she asked. I shook my head. "Come on, I'll go wait for a cab with you, you had a little too much to drink earlier."

I wanted to say that she didn't have to but then again, I didn't want to be a hypocrite as well. "'Kay." I pulled on my jacket and waited for her to tell her friends that she would be back soon.

"So. I see that you met Harris?" It was a question that wasn't a question.

"Yeah. Nice chap. Tough one too." I remarked, thinking back at the threat he posed me regarding Kiara. She chuckled, evidently surprised at what I said. "What?" I asked, stuffing my hands into my jeans pockets. It was a little chilly.

"Nothing, it's just that he doesn't normally talk too much to someone he just got to know."

"Oh." Hm... bad conversationalist, Carmen. Very bad.

"We didn't do much catching up earlier on." she commented, stealing a glance at me.

"Yeah well, you had guests. Anyway, there's nothing interesting to hear about my life. It's your life that I wanna hear about. How's the writing coming along?"

Her face brightened up. "It's going great. A bit of a struggle initially, you know, with the many breaks that I took from it..."

And the emotional trauma that you put her through. Tsk, you should be ashamed of yourself, Carmen.

I rolled my eyes at the voice and tried to return full attention to what Kiara was saying. That was very difficult because my eyes seemed to have attached themselves onto the beautiful face that was doing the talking right then, causing me great difficulty to concentrate on anything else.

"... but I finally got a book published a couple of months ago." she finished, unaware of the violation my eyes just committed on her.

"Oh yeah, I heard about that from Harris." I tore my gaze from her face. "Congratulations. That is a lot of achievement. I'll go grab a copy at Harris'. He was praising you sky high earlier on and according to the little knowledge I have of him, it isn't everytime that he gives praises."

Kiara blushed, smiling. "Aw, he's just the sweetest guy. I'm glad he took to you so well."

I shrugged. What did it matter? We were reaching the main road, and the moment that I dreaded was fast approaching. "You wouldn't happen to be free this weekend, would you?" I blabbered before I lost my nerves.

Oh no, not silence again, pleeeeaaasseeee?

"As a matter of fact, I am. Why?" she answered after a while.

Jesus! And my heart was just about to stop beating! I let out a breath of relief. "Um..."

I rubbed the back of my neck and looked up cautiously at her. "I dunno. Maybe you'd like to go out for breakfast? Or lunch? Dinner? Um... Supper?" I tried, not knowing how silly I sounded.

Kiara grinned.

God, I love the bridge of her nose that wrinkles up when she smiles.

"Sure."

"Oh. Uh... sorry, which is it again? Breakfast, lunch..." I started blabbering again, secretly ecstatic that I made some progress.

"Dinner will be good. I know a great Italian restaurant in the city, and I know you like..." she stopped in mid-sentence, a slightly pained look on her face.

Yeah well, she wouldn't know what I like. She only knew what Taylor liked.

"Italian's fine." I said, wanting to spare her of any awkwardness that she might have. "Italian's great. In fact, I do like Italian." I smiled.

She combed her hand through her hair and nodded. "I guess I have to learn a lot about you, don't I?" she asked solemnly.

Yes... I'm not her. I nodded.

"I'll see you Saturday then."

"Yup, Saturday." I echoed before waving for a cab.

"What?" Lynn was furious. Her best friend had just agreed to go on a date with that... that... thing who hurt her so badly! She just could not believe it.

"What the hell for?" She demanded, angry that Kiara was actually going to give that thing another chance to screw with her life.

"It's not such a big deal, Lynn. It's just dinner. Even old friends have dinner, right?" Kiara continued washing up the barberque pit, her back facing Lynn.

"Not such a big deal?" Lynn repeated incredulously. "Kiara, sweetie, that woman did nothing but hurt you. What else do you want with her? Remember how it was when we first met? You were so adamant that nothing's gonna make you feel right again. And now, after two long hard years of picking yourself up, she's back again and you're gonna give her more fun?"

Lynn recalled the day she met the compact blonde before her. Kiara had bumped into her, causing all her groceries to be upsetted. She had a good mind to lash out at the woman, but quickly realized that she was crying.

"Hey, are you okay?" Lynn forgot about the harsh words she was going to deliver to the woman who had walked into her heedlessly.

"I'm fine." the woman was definitely not fine.

"Oh no you're not. Come on, it's not the end of the world that somebody will have to make another trip to the supermart again, right?" Even that feeble attempt at a joke did not make her smile.

"I'm sorry. I'll pay you back. How much is it?" she offered.

"No, no... tell you what. If you wanna make up to me, you'll have to have a cup of coffee with me." The woman looked at her, a little startled. "What? C'mon, I'll buy you one."

Looking a little bewildered at the lady who was offering to treat her to a coffee when she was the one who upsetted her dinner, Kiara allowed herself to be led off.

"By the way, what's your name?"

That was the beginning of a friendship that provided a strong support for Kiara in the time that she needed it most.

"It's not like that. I..." Kiara stopped her scrubbing of the pit and turned to face her friend. "I just want to still be friends, you know? She was confused about her identity, and to tell you the truth, so am I, just a little. I should be fair to her, I mean, it's difficult enough that you don't know who you are, it's even more so when the people around you only care about who you were."

She turned back to her cleaning and Lynn made her way to the bench before her. "Fair? How can you think of being fair to her when she didn't even think about that when she left you?"

"She did. That's why she left. She knew that she wasn't Taylor... not the Taylor that I love anyway, and she didn't think it would be fair that I give someone that wasn't the real Taylor the emotions that I had for Taylor." Kiara paused for a while, running over what she just said. "That was really unclear. Um... but you know what I'm talking about, right?" she rinsed the soap off the pit with the garden hose without waiting for Lynn's answer.

"You know, what she did was right. I don't know anything about this Taylor at all. And if she had stayed, I would be devastated eventually because she's never gonna be her... I wouldn't have the time to adjust to it and it would have been disastrous."

"You mean you're just gonna let her come on back and pick up where she left off?" Lynn could not believe what she was hearing. This woman before her, her best friend of more than a year that she was secretly holding a torch for, was going to give herself away to the person that hurt her while Lynn was waiting for her to be ready for another relationship.

"No..." Kiara cleaned her hands and motioned for Lynn to go into the house. Following her friend and hoping to hear that she had no intention of getting back together with that thing, Lynn wondered at how she was going to let her best friend know that there's someone here who cares for her that way as well.

"I just want to know her. This Carmen Taylor. Whatever happens, I do want to still be friends with her." Kiara smiled a little, thinking back on how Taylor blabbers when she's with her and how anxious she is to do it right. "I do like her."

Lynn wanted to throttle the woman she loved. Sighing in exasperation, she began to launch another lecture at her friend when Kiara turned with her hands on her hips.

"I'm big enough to take care of myself, Lynn. Thank you for caring. I'm not saying that I wanna date her again or anything close to that. I just wanna know her for who she is now... Something that I couldn't do before."

Lynn relented. "Fine. You know where I'll be then, so just gimme a call or drop by if you want okay?" Kiara smiled and nodded.

"Okay, I'm gonna go to bed. It's been a tiring day and I am so in need of a scrub. 'Night." She hugged her housemate and climbed the narrow stairs to her room on the second landing.

"'Night." Lynn called out behind her, worrying about just everything that was going to happen on Saturday.

"Oh my gosh, you saw the Parthenon? THE Parthenon?" Kiara looked at me, her eyes as wide as saucers and her jaw almost touching the table. I nodded, laughing.

"Yeah. I actually tried that, that top hat thingie..." I trailed off, wondering if she had heard of it before and if she would be bored with me telling her the stuff that I did.

"What top hat thingie?" she asked, her eyes sparkling as she took a bite of the garlic bread.

"Well they said that there isn't anything that's actually straight in the Parthenon, and this English guy actually put his top hat on one end of the steps and walked to the other end to see if he could see his hat." I explained, munching on my garlic bread as well.

"Mm... Yes I read about that before. Isn't it incredible? The amount of money they must have spent on the place!" I grinned.

The night was turning out really well - and it was just an hour into the evening. I had fretted the entire money, trying on everything I had in my wardrobe so that I might appear... nice. By the time seven o'clock came, my heart was ready to break down.

"I didn't really go anywhere. The furthest I went was Mexico in the last two years after England..." she trailed off, looking a little mellow.

"Anyway," she continued, snapping out of her break in speech, "like I said, my life has been really boring. Just doing some writing here and there and helping out at Lynn's occasionally."

"So!" she exclaimed, "Did you take any photographs of those wonderful places you went to?"

"Actually, yeah. I sorta started on this little collection of memoirs from all over the world." I confessed. No one save Bronte had seen my 'collection'. Not that I had a lot of friends or anything - that was one thing I was sorely lacking of, other than a permanent home, a family who cares about me, a job..."

"Taylor?"

I returned from my wry musings. "Sorry, just thinking."

"What about? You looked pretty far off there." she inquired as I shrugged in reply.

"Just where I should get a place, that's all." I lied. "You know, staying at the hotel is sorta expensive, considering I haven't a permanent job." And it would be nice to finally have a place I could call a home. Bronte's place was by far the closest place I've had to that.

"I know of some really good places that you could get a place." Kiara suggested. "Any preference?"

She looked really nice in her green satin top and jeans. Really, really nice. I nodded absently at what she was saying.

"What?" she asked, waiting for an answer. Huh? Did I miss something?

Then I realized that she had asked if I had any preferences. Sure thing babe, anywhere close to you.

Aloud, I said "Um, somewhere more private I guess?" I did not have much practice with my human resource skills in the past two years and would prefer not to have to start anytime soon.

"Oh, I know just the place. Tell you what, why don't I take you there tomorrow?"

Tomorrow! I was about to agree with joy before I remembered that I had agreed to lunch with Mel.

"Would you be busy?" Kiara noticed my hesitance.

"Well sorta. You see when I came back I bumped into an old friend in the airport... At least she remembers that we're old friends. Melanie Johnston?" Kiara should know Mel if we were really that close.

Kiara looked a little weird as she returned her attention back to her pasta that had arrived a while ago. "Oh. Well then, maybe she can help you look for a place."

Suddenly I felt as if Kiara was closing up, and that everything I had tried to do for the past hour or so had been redundant. "No." I said hurriedly, causing Kiara to look up at me in surprise.

"No what?" she asked, cautious but curious nevertheless.

"Uh... I'd really like you to show me the places. I could cancel the lunch with her." I offered, almost frantic for her to revert back to before again.

She studied me for a while and smiled, her fingers rubbing her right brow slightly. "Okay." she said finally. I gazed at her intently, looking as if I expected someone to snatch the treat away from me after baiting me with it. "Really. Maybe we could go in the morning. You're having lunch with her, right?" she confirmed. I nodded happily and we carried on with dinner with the same easy banter as before to my relieve.

I had dropped by at Harris' that afternoon with the conflicting intentions of getting Kiara's novel and getting her out of my mind. The book named 'The Search' was now sitting snugly on my pillow top back at the hotel, waiting for me to read it.

The book held a black and white picture of Kiara on the inside of the back cover. She was grinning widely and very naturally, infecting me with her carefree smile as well. The brief introduction of the book was indeed, as I have described it to be, brief.

"A hard as nails entrepreneur meets with a novelist who changes everything that she had once believed in. Would she find the ending of the search with her old flame, her new love who was hiding something or is she destined to go on searching?"

I had a feeling that it was going to be a very informative book.

Dinner was over so quickly. The food was fantastic, living up to Kiara's profuse appraisals, and the evening went really well. I was relieved to find out that I actually got on really well with Kiara. Even though everything we talked about were superficial parts of our lives, I was happy to know that much about her.

"I'll see you tomorrow at nine?" I reconfirmed when we reached the sidewalk.

"That would be fine." she smiled, pulling her black leather jacket closer around her. "Do you want a lift?" she asked, motioning towards her blue ford.

"Nah." I declined with a crooked smile. "I sorta want to take a walk back. Thank you for a great evening." I stuffed my hands into my coat.

"I had a great time too. Take care, the roads aren't all that safe." I stood there by the side walk and waited till she pulled away before turning to leave.

"It's already eleven!" Lynn grumbled to her bartender and good friend, Chloe.

Eyeing her unsettled boss, Chloe chuckled whilst wiping the glasses. The bar was relatively crowded and the juke box was playing. Most of the customers were regulars so there was hardly any trouble at all. The most recent fight was a couple of months ago and it only happened because a man caught his girlfriend kissing another man at the bar. Did not take too long before their trusty bouncer, Leo settled the matter and barred them from the bar for three months. Now, the man was back at the bar, alone. Such was life.

"Look, you gotta tell her or you'll lose her." she advised, shaking her head. Chloe knew how much Lynn cared about Kiara and how much she feared losing their friendship, but she was never going to stand any chance if she did not reveal her feelings. Maybe the returning of the old lover would motivate her to do something.

Downing her beer, Lynn shook her head. "I can't... I... Jesus. I don't know what to do. I mean, ever since she got into that accident, I have come to realize just how much she has come to mean to me and it scares me. Then when I finally got the courage to tell her how I feel that day in the hospital, she shows up and before I can open my mouth, Kiara's telling me how Taylor's back and Taylor's been to see her and..." Lynn smashed her fist on the bar counter frustratedly. She was just plain sick of Carmen Taylor.

"She's here." Chloe said wryly, giving someone behind Lynn a warm smile. "Get your act together, pal." At that, Lynn straightened herself considerably and took a deep breath before turning to greet her housemate with a forced smile.

"Hey." Lynn's heart rate quickened at the sight of the strawberry blond. She looked radiant and it showed in the way she smiled and walked. Lynn felt her heart drop. One date with Taylor and her housemate is happier than she had ever seen her to be.

"Hey you." Kiara grinned, plopping down onto the stool beside her friend. "Hey Chloe, how are you?" she asked, turning to the redhead bartender.

"Doing okay. Ben's been a pain in the ass for the past couple of days but other than that, everything's fine." she brushed a stray lock of hair from her face, nodding at an order a man just gave her.

"Sorry to hear that. What did he do now?" Kiara asked. Ben was Chloe's twelve year old son from a failed marriage and was constantly giving her trouble.

"Got caught pickpocketing." Chloe answered after handing the man his change. "I just don't know what I can do for him anymore, you know?" she sighed.

Kiara patted the bartender's hand. She had seen her friend's kids a couple of times. Ben was the older of Chloe's two children. Chloe's daughter was seven and had just started pre-school. "Tell you what. Why don't you bring them down tomorrow? They always enjoyed coming over, right Lynn?" Kiara turned to her housemate who was listening intently at her friends' conversation.

"Yeah, sure. Just come on over anytime, Chloe. We have nothing on tomorrow." Ben was a naughty one, but under all that tough act, he really seemed to have taken a liking to Kiara. Who wouldn't?

Kiara sipped at the Tequila Sunrise that Chloe just placed before her. "Mmph, I won't be free in the morning though. Why don't you come over in the afternoon or something?" she offered. "Unless of course, Lynn wants to host alone for a couple of hours before I get back." she raised a questioning brow at Lynn.

"What are you doing tomorrow morning?" asked Lynn, not wanting to sound as if she cared and ignored the look on Chloe's face.

"Um... just taking Taylor to see some places she could rent, that's all." she answered a little hurriedly. She knew that Lynn did not like Taylor very much, but she really wasn't in the mood to argue with her housemate. Her evening with Taylor was so nice and she just wanted that feeling to last as long as it could.

"Kiara..." Lynn started exasperated.

"Look, I don't really wanna talk about that now, alright?" Kiara stopped her friend. She could feel another lecture coming on. "I'm kinda tired. I just dropped by to say hi." she smiled a truce. Lynn sighed and returned the smile.

"Tell you what." Kiara said after finishing her drink. "I'll go on home first, okay? I'm a little tired. I'll catch you later, or tomorrow, whichever." she leaned over to hug Lynn and turned to wave to Chloe. "See you tomorrow, Chloe." she picked up her purse and left.

Lynn watched as her friend walked through the entrance of her bar and turned to Chloe. Shaking her head, she said, "Hit me with another one, pal." Chloe chuckled at her friend and proceeded to make her troubled boss a drink.

Grinning to myself stupidly on my walk back to the hotel, I was glad that it was dark so that no one could see the smile that was perpetually stuck onto my face. Kiara and I got on really well... more than I could ask for. And for that, I was grateful. So caught up I was in my thoughts, I lost my balance and fell when someone rammed into me before running away quickly.

Hitting my head on the lamp post that sort of broke my fall, I grabbed onto it as my world swirled a little. The figure had disappeared by the time I regained my balance and gotten all my senses back. Touching my head tenderly, I bit back a sharp breath when my fingers connected with a sore spot. Shaking my head to clear the remnants of the stars that were still carouselling in my head, I reached into my side pocket instinctively to find that my wallet was gone.

"Damn!" I cursed under my breath. Inside the wallet held the only photo I had of Velvet and I hated to lose it.

Swearing at myself for not being alert, I half ran the rest of the way back to the hotel.

"Mmph." A bruise was beginning to form at my right temple already. Squeezing my eyes shut, I began to rub the spot and almost succeeded in making myself cry. I had explained the robbery to the receptionist and she had let me in to my room with sincere sympathies. She even got someone to bring up some aspirins for me.

"Damn it." I swore, the throbbing pain in my head rising to a crescendo with every wave that it rode on. Swallowing two aspirins, I looked at the bruise again and swallowed another two before dabbing my face dry and went to bed. The sheets felt cool against my skin and before long, the medicine took effect and the dull throbbing pain lessened as I drifted off to a restless sleep.

"Look who's here?" The woman in my dreamscape said in a wry voice. I was scratching a black cat behind his ears... Velvet?

"What?" The woman asked the cat solemnly. Kiara... She stuck out her tongue at Velvet and I chuckled.

"C'mere, precious." I cooed, and the sleek black cat settled beside me, sharing my pillow. The Kiara in my dream rolled her eyes.

"Taylor?" She began.

"Hmm?"

She glanced at the cat. "I'm jealous." She admitted.

"Of?"

"Velvet." Kiara knew I knew what she was talking about.

"What's there to be jealous about, love?" I chuckled again as Velvet rubbed his head along my chest.

"You love him more than you love me. See, my eyes are green with jealousy."

This time, I burst out laughing. "You eyes have always been green, Kiara. Just like my precious here."

"Yeah, I know. Just being silly. Sorry." she smiled, rather ashamed at her childish admission.

I lifted her face to mine. "Don't doubt my love for you okay? I love you more than anything in this world."

It's 9:02. Dammit. Drive faster, you asshole! I cursed mentally at the cab driver while looking out anxiously at the cars passing us by. I had woken up late because of the aspirin that I had taken the night before.

9:04 The voice sang.

Finally at 9:08, the cab pulled up at Kiara's driveway. I pushed the twenty into his hand and got out before he could give me my change.

"Hey!" Kiara called out with a smile. She approached me and her expression turned into one of concern.

"Sorry I'm late." I apologized. "I got up late."

"What happened to your head?" she asked, ignoring my explanation.

Head? Oh, head. "Nothing, uh, I knocked it accidentally." I lied. No reason for her to know how I got the bruise.

"Looks nasty. It's purplish. Maybe you should see a doctor?" she asked, eyeing the spot that had grown larger over the night.

"I'm okay. I took a couple of aspirin and it doesn't even bother me now."

Liar liar, pants on fire.

"Okay... if that's what you say." she said uncertainly before changing the topic. "You ready to go?"

I nodded. "Lead the way." I said, ignoring the dull throbbing of my head.

We had driven around the neighbourhood that was about ten minutes' drive away from Kiara's, looking for the 'For Rent' sign that she swore she had seen just a couple of days ago. Contented with her just being there, I relaxed into the seat and wondered where I could get some painkillers to kill some pain.

"Hm?" Kiara had just asked me a question but I did not really catch it.

"I asked if you wanted some breakfast after this." she said, her eyes not leaving the road.

"Oh, sure." I was not particularly interested in food then, but that was not a high priority. "Hey, I think I see some bill posters there with 'For Rent' printed on them."

"Okay, I'll pull over right there." We got out of her car and strolled over to the posters.

"Aw, it's a unit in there." Kiara looked up at a six storey building. "I thought you might want a house or something?"

Shrugging, I tore off one of the posters. "I don't mind. It's not as if I have a lot of things with me."

"Okay then. Let's go take a look." Kiara fell into a slow stride beside me. "Is your head really okay? You seem really quiet." she remarked.

One look at her concerned green eyes and I relented. "Actually it's hurting me a little. I'll be fine with some aspirin." I reassured her.

"We'll get you some after this." she promised as we stepped into the building.

The unit looked rather spacious and gave me a good feel. "I'll take it." I said to the landlady before Kiara could say anything.

"Very well." The woman who introduced herself as Mrs. Manson smiled. "You just let me get your particulars and bond and you can have the key." I nodded before following Mrs. Manson to get the paperwork done.

"Why did you agree so fast?" Kiara whispered as we followed Mrs. Manson down to the lobby.

"I liked the place." I answered, unsure why Kiara asked me that.

"We could have gotten a lower price on the rent, you know?"

"Ahh." I grinned. "I was never one to bargain, ma'am."

"That's why you should have left it to me. I'm expert at that." she announced, a little irked at me paying that sum for the place.

I chuckled at this aspect of Kiara. "Well then, looks like I can't do without you, can I?" I said without thinking. Suddenly, the atmosphere became a little awkward.

"Here, just fill this up, Ms. Taylor." Mrs. Manson handed over a few sheets of paper to me and I took them gratefully.

I filled up the papers while Mrs. Manson and Kiara struck up small talk. Smiling to myself at how friendly Kiara was to everyone, I finally looked up and handed the papers to my landlady. Reaching into my pocket for my wallet, it suddenly hit me that I did not have it with me anymore.

"Uh..." I looked at the two expectant faces before me. Kiara caught on immediately.

"How much is it again? I'll get it for you first." she offered. I smiled awkwardly, cursing at my forgetfulness. Not that I had much chance to get to the bank in the morning.

The keys in my pocket jingled slightly when we walked out of the building.

"Forgot your wallet?" Kiara asked innocently.

"Uhm..." I hesitated.

"You didn't knock your head because you were careless, did you?" she demanded. Darn, should have known that she would put two and two together.

"No... it was nothing. Someone ran into me and caused me to lose my balance so I hit the lamp post, that's all." I stuttered.

"Got your wallet too?" she asked. It wasn't really a question.

I nodded mutely.

"Geez, Taylor, did you even report it?" she asked, a hint of exasperation in her voice. What did it matter to her anyway? I guess I had to admit that I liked it that she cared.

"I didn't get to see how the person looked like." I confessed. "The cops couldn't have done much for me so I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just pissed cos' whoever it is got the only picture I have of Velvet."

The silence continued even after we got into her car. I snuck a peek at her to see her frowning.

"I miss him." she said finally.

Huh? Oh. Velvet. I miss him as well. But life goes on.

"It wasn't a painful going. At least I know that much." I said, wanting to change the topic. The feeling of loss when I realized that he was gone sprung up anew together with the feeling that I was so lost and so alone in this world.

My heart rate picked up when her hand found mine and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry." she said simply. I brushed away the tear that had snuck out without my knowing and gave her a pained smile.

"It's okay. All things come to an end at one point or another."

Just why did that statement bother me so much?

"Waiting for you
Just waiting
I'm waiting for you
Just waiting
Can't you see I'm waiting for you
Don't break my heart"

Lynn leaned back in the couch, her eyes closed. Today was the day that she was going to tell Kiara how she really felt about her. She couldn't take it anymore. She was not going to wait till Taylor got her way with Kiara and regret not ever telling Kiara... not ever knowing if she stood a chance with her best friend.

Madonna's sensous voice filled the living area. It was an old disc that Lynn had dug out from Kiara's disc collection and the song playing then was hitting at all the sore areas. Damn, what was it about words sometimes? They just write out all the crazy emotions you have within you and when you listen to the words being thrown back at you, you just want to cry.

Cry at the joy of someone else feeling the way that you do, cry at the impossibility of the situation...

She heard the keys turning and reached for the remote to turn the stereo off. Psyching herself for the task that awaited her, Lynn waited for Kiara to make her way into the room.

"Hey! What time is Chloe coming over?" Kiara's clear voice sent her heart racing and her palms sweating.

C'mon, you can do it.

"Um, she called to say that she won't be dropping over today. Seems like Ben's gotten into more trouble."

A concerned face poked through the doorway. "What trouble? Maybe I'll drop by later at her place to see if everything's okay."

Plopping down onto the couch beside her housemate, Kiara reached for the remote control to the television and was slightly surprised when Lynn said "Um, could we leave that for a while? I have some things I wanna tell you."

"Okay..." Kiara replaced the remote control and turned slightly to face her friend. Lynn looked very uncomfortable. "You okay?" she asked, a tad concerned.

"Yeah, I just..." Whew, tell her now, will ya'? "I love you Kiara." There.

Kiara started laughing a little. "I love you too. What's wrong, Lynn?"

Feeling as if she was going to hyperventalite, Lynn tried again. "I know you know that I love you, Kiara but... I... I love you more than a friend loves a friend. I... I'd like to have a relationship with you." she managed to stammer out. When she could bear the silence no longer, she raised her head up to look at Kiara.

"I..." Kiara started, the tension in the room so thick that she could cut it into half. "I don't know what to say." she answered truthfully. Lynn? Her best friend wanting to have a relationship with her?

"Don't say anything. Just promise me you'll think about it, okay?" Lynn pleaded. She would rather wait for a serious answer than a straightout rejection. "Please?"

Kiara studied her friend's anxious face and everything started falling into place. Her reaction to Taylor's return and her animosity towards Taylor was more than that of a friend's concern for another. Taylor was a threat to her, that was why she behaved like she did towards Taylor.

"Okay." she conceded. She needed time... to think. "I will."

I pulled my luggage out of the rented car and lugged it up the steps leading to the apartment. To my home.

Home. This is the first one I've ever had. I realized with a jolt of elation. Somehow having something that was mine and not just a place where I was passing by for the night or for a week felt so good.

Sitting down in the empty living area, I wiped my face on the sleeve of the sweat shirt that I was wearing. It was a rather warm day despite it being late autumn. Pulling off the shirt, I started unloading the things I had in my luggage.

My only possessions. I thought wryly. In two years, I had come to own three luggages of things. Travelling around as much as I did, I could not afford to buy too many things. Pulling out the numerous packages of photographs that I had taken in my travels, I started emptying them onto the carpetted floor. What had started out as a hobby of sorts had turned into something more serious. I had started buying books and magazines on professional photography and started a self-learning programme. Searching absently for the aspirin in my bag, I popped two of them absently into my mouth and went to the tap to get some water to wash them down. I had thought that the headache would go away but it had been getting worse by the minute. Trying to ignore the pain, I settled myself onto the floor and fell asleep amidst all the photographs.

"I was thinking, it won't be safe for you to stay here." Kiara piped out as I hobbled to my door.

Hobbled? Why was I hobbling?

She helped me open the door.

"Thanks." I said curtly.

"Why don't you move to my place?" I started to shake my head.

"I can get another apartment."

"But you're injured. Your movements are restrained. Moreover, you can't get an apartment on such a short notice. Who's gonna take care of you, cook for you, wash up..."

"Okay, okay!" Man, this woman could really talk! She looked mighty pleased with herself. "Now, you'll need some clothes and shoes... What else do you need? Books? I have extra towels..."

She disappeared into my bedroom. I was exhausted. I plopped down onto the couch and closed my eyes. Two dogs approached me, their tails wagging. Dogs... The same ones I gave Kiara, I realized.

"Hey..." I cracked open my eyes and smiled tiredly at them. "Where's Velvet?" I got up to get their feed. "We're gonna have to move for a while, buddies." I wandered into the kitchen.

"Hey precious." Velvet was asleep on the kitchen table. He awoke immediately as I picked him up. I put him on his favourite resting place on my right shoulder. I manuveured myself out into the living room again. Kiara emerged from my bedroom.

"Okay! everything's in here." she held a bag up proudly. I went into the room and saw that the things she had taken were practical. I went to the drawers and took out my pistol and some ammunition. Looking around, I spied my photo with Luke. I took that too. Velvet purred. "Yes precious. I miss him too."

Pistol? I had a pistol? What the hell was that anyway? I wondered groggily. Why did I keep dreaming of Kiara?

I pulled myself up to a sitting position. That was when I registered the knocking on the door. I made my way to the door, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Hey." A surprised looking Mel was standing on the other side of the door, carrying bags of lunch that she had promised to bring over.

Shit. "Um..." I stood there staring at her, not knowing if I should run back inside to put a shirt on before letting her in. "Come in." I said finally.

Closing the door behind us, I followed her into the small mess that I had created in the past... I glanced at my watch - hour.

Didn't take long for me to start dreaming. I thought wryly.

"Thanks for offering to come over." I said, shyly. Major infatuation, Carmen.

"No problem." Mel turned around to face me with a smile. "I wanted to see how your new place looked like anyway." Dragging a closed suitcase over to be a makeshift table, I took the bags from her and settled them on the flat surface before putting on my discarded sweatshirt.

"Didn't mean to scandalize you." I said jokingly. "It was really hot earlier on."

"It's okay." she grinned. "Been there, done that." I eyeballed her. She's seen me like this? Okay. We were close.

"So, what did you bring for lunch?" I asked, peering into the bags. The smells emanating from them was making me salivate. Even though Kiara and I did stop for breakfast, I only had a coffee and a bagel because of my head.

Mel laid out the goodies. Mm.. roast chicken and gravy... mashed potatoes... coleslaw. Yum.

"I figured everyone likes chicken and potatoes." she looked warily at me. "Do you?" I nodded my head enthusiastically and she chuckled.

"You know, you weren't that much different from the time we were together. Just different from the Taylor that got hurt." she remarked after a while. This time I was sure my eyes were going to pop out. We were together?

I swallowed the big lump of mash potato in my mouth and washed it down with the iced tea that she brought and stared at her. "Um... you mean you went out with me as..." how do you put it? "...someone more than a friend?" I asked incredulously. What was wrong with the old Taylor? Then I thought back to Kiara and rolled my eyes mentally. It would be so wrong to compare them.

"Yup." she said chirpily and continued eating. Fine, so she was not going to offer any assistance. Shaking my head, I began to chuckle.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just can't believe that I have a movie star sitting in my unfurnished living area, that's all."

Mel blushed a little. "Oh gee. Movie stars are still humans right? And humans have friends, right?" I smirked. She looked so adorable when she was embarrassed.

"So, my friend. You wanna tell me something about yourself?" I asked, stuffing more of the chicken into my mouth. "Mmph, this is yummy. Where did you get it?" Mel grinned.

"I made it." Okay. This time my eyeballs are going to budge out, pop out and roll away from me. She made lunch for me? Oh wow, it's like having Julia Roberts cooking for me! I almost laughed out loud. Then I realized that even though here I was, telling everyone to not treat me as someone that I'm not, and I'm doing the exact thing to her. Treating her as a movie star when we're supposed to be friends.

"Great cooking, chef. You have got to show it to me one day." I recovered myself, making a silent promise that I would do my best to not see her as someone other that she was.

"Thanks." she smiled. "My partner taught me how to prepare this."

"Ahh. Partner?" I teased. "Care to give a brief introduction of the lucky person?"

"Well... it's all very ordinary. Boy meets girl, boy woos girl and boy gets girl."

"Are you guys married?" she shook her head.

"Actually... he's already married to someone else." Okay... wasn't she afraid that I would tell this to the press?

"He keeps on saying that it's only a matter of time before he settles the divorce with his wife, but till now... it's only been a couple of months anyway." she shrugged, acting as if she didn't care.

"He must be stupid if he isn't going to keep to his promise. Because that would mean giving up a great woman like you and anyone who does that is plain stupid. You'd deserve better." I fumed inwardly, wondering if he was leading Mel around.

"But other than that he's great to me." she defended him. "I guess he just needs some time. If he doesn't do it, I'll leave. Simple as that." she smiled bravely. I cocked my head and leaned over to hug her, careful not to touch her with my oily fingers.

"Well, at least he teaches you to make great chicken." I said jokingly after pulling away from her. "I'll be here if you need anything, okay?" I peered at Mel. She nodded with a smile.

"Thanks. If it doesn't work out, I might need all the support I can get." After a pause, she continued. "I'm pregnant."

"That's just about what happened in my life since the last time I saw you, Alan." I almost laughed out loud when I saw Alan's jaw hanging.

We had met in one of my travels - Alan was an air steward. Be it coincidence or fate, I kept taking the same flight he was working on. Alan was a very outgoing person, always having something to say, somewhere to go, something to do. I did not know why he had taken such an interest in me, but I had to admit that I liked his personality. It helped as well when we discovered we were both from the same state. That is, before I left it. He had met Bronte once, after I had shifted in with her, but had to fly off immediately to Spain.

"That sounded like a whole lifetime of events!" he exclaimed. "And if I didn't call you up at Bronte's, I wouldn't have known that you had flown halfway across the world without a word of explanation nor a call from you when you knew that I live here! I feel so hurt." he pouted. I almost choked on my water at that expression. Alan loved to carry his act a little too far at times.

"Did you call Bronte?" he demanded, satisfied at my nod.

"Yeah, just a couple of days ago. She had a relapse. Maybe I should buy her a ticket and get her here?" I asked worriedly. Alan shook her head.

"She doesn't look like someone who would take charity." he observed. I looked at the sandy haired, 6 feet air steward with gray eyes thoughtfully. He really did resemble Luke. The thought popped into my mind. Surprised at the groundless observation, I shook it aside.

"What?" he demanded, crossing his arm before him.

I laughed. "Nothing. You're so observant sometimes it's scary. I mean, you've only met the woman once, for heaven's sake. And most of all, you don't look like someone who would care about such trival things."

"I'm just one of the rare sensitive male population left in the world, that's all." he grinned mischieviously. "So, are you going to take me to your place or do I have to threaten you on gunpoint?" Rolling my eyes, I paid the check and we left the cafe.

"Carmen, your place is so empty it's unbelieveable!" he exclaimed. "We're going shopping for you right now!" Pulling me out of my own home with my mouth gaping open and shut like a goldfish out of water, I wisely clammed it shut at the stern look on his face.

Alan was a very home loving person. No one would believe it because his profession needed him to fly so much, but he confessed that if he could find another job that offer just as much benefits as the airline, he would take it without a thought.

He had dropped out of school when he was only fifteen and had joined the navy for a while. Sick of the system by the time he was twenty four, he decided to quit that as well. By that time his younger sister was already in college on scholarship, so he could afford to do that. However, he could not get anywhere without a degree and was moping around wondering how to make ends meet when someone suggested that he be an air steward. The rest was history.

After a whole day of ooh-ing and ahh-ing, we finally made my purchases and had them delivered to my place. Passing by Harris', I dragged Alan in with me to say hi.

"Harris! This is my friend, Alan. Alan, this is Harris." Both men shook hands, assessing each other quite blatantly before conceding that they were okay and smiled genuinely at each other.

"Looking for any book in particular?" Harris asked. Both Alan and I shook our heads.

"Actually I haven't even started on Kiara's novel." I confessed guiltily. "Didn't have enough time."

"Ahh. Speaking of which, her second novel is out." Following the shop owner, I reached the box on the ground. "I haven't even started unpacking yet. Do you want one?" I nodded eagerly.

"Here." Reaching inside the box, he handed me a glossy covered novel titled 'No Matter What'. Interesting. I made the payment and was about to leave when Harris stopped me.

"Look, there'll be a dinner gathering at my place tonight. My granddaughter turns eleven today. Would you like to come?" I glanced at him, surprised.

"Um..." I started awkwardly.

"Your friend can come as well." he said, looking at Alan. "Would you like to?" he addressed Alan who came over and joined our conversation.

"Sure!" he said. "That would be fun." I smiled at Harris and shrugged. "Well then that settles it. I'll need directions to your place."

He gave me his address before Alan dragged me out of the store saying "Now we can go shopping for the girl's present!"

I groaned good naturedly, throwing a helpless look at the chuckling Harris before letting the big man drag me out of the store.

Kiara put the birthday cake that she baked in the morning into Harris' fridge and turned to see Annabelle standing there. "Hey, birthday girl." she smiled. "Come on here and give me a hug." Annabelle grinned and hugged Kiara.

"Big girl now, aren't we?" Kiara chuckled at the small girl.

She nodded. "Daddy says that I'm big enough to own my own puppy!" she said enthusiastically. "I don't know what to name him, Aunt Kiara. Will you help me?" she implored with her big round eyes.

The puppy trotted in at that moment, sniffling around.

"Oooh... he's so adorable!" Kiara exclaimed, picking up the puppy and squealing as he licked her face. "What about Licky?" she suggested jokingly. Annabelle shook her head disapprovingly. "Okay..." Kiara put the puppy down on the floor. "Cole?" Annabelle thought for a moment.

"Okay." she agreed. "Coal as in the color of that charcoal thingie they use for barberque?" she asked. Kiara shook her head.

"No, C-O-L-E. It would just sound like the black coal they use." Annabelle grinned.

"That's clever. Come on, Cole, let's go introduce you to daddy and grandpa. Thanks, Aunt Kiara!"

Kiara watched the girl leave with a wistful smile on her face.

"Hey."

She looked up and saw Lynn. "Hey." she smiled. She still had not given the answer to her housemate yet and things were just a little awkward between them.

"I was wondering if you needed help." Lynn said lamely. In truth, she was a little worried that their relationship was going to be strained after what she had confessed to Kiara a few nights ago. Since then, she had not spoken much to her housemate because Kiara always seemed to be locked up in her room writing her new novel or out.

"I'm fine." Kiara said shortly.

"Okay then... I..." Lynn didn't know how to begin. "Things are fine between us, right? I mean, I really don't want my.. um.. speech that night to change anything for the worse, you know?"

Kiara nodded. "I guess I just need some more time to think about it, that's all." Lynn nodded.

Harris came in then. "Hello girls." he boomed. Both Lynn and Kiara turned to face him with smiles on their faces.

"Hello Harris. So, what are we going to have for dinner?" Kiara asked, thankful for the intrusion.

"The caterer is here already. You know I can't cook." Harris chuckled. "There's quite a spread outside. Why don't you girls go and take a look?" Kiara and Lynn nodded and started to leave when Harris said "Oh and Kiara." Kiara paused and turned.

"Your friend, Carmen came to my shop today."

"Oh?"

"I invited her and her friend over tonight." He said, studying Kiara's face for any reaction.

"Really?" Kiara wondered who the friend was. Mel? she thought, a surge of jealousy running through her before she could stop herself.

"He seemed like a really nice guy. His name is Alan. Quite a looker as well." Harris commented, pleased with the look that passed Kiara's face.

A guy. Kiara smiled at her friend. "I see. Why do you have that smug look on your face, Harris?" she demanded.

"Nothing, nothing. Now run along and let me get the alcohol in peace, will ya'?" he said good naturedly. Kiara chuckled and left.

"Carmen, is your friend going to be there?" Alan shouted from his room.

"Don't know. Would think so, why?" It did not even cross my mind that I would be seeing Kiara that evening. The thought was pleasing though.

"Then you better come in and let me dress you up nice and proper." he stepped out with his hands on his hips. It was the first time I had ever been to Alan's place, and I had to admit that when you've been to a place like that and then over to mine, you'd be appalled.

"You won't have anything that would fit me, Alan." I said, exasperated. "You're much taller than me not to mention much broader than me."

"I'm not asking you to put on my clothes. Here. These are my ex-roommate's and he was your size." I lifted a brow.

"Ex-roommate?" I asked. "Where did he go and why do you have his clothes?"

"He passed away a few years ago. We were best friends." he said quietly.

"I'm sorry." I said, taking the clothes that Alan handed me. "Then all the more I shouldn't be wearing his things, right?" Alan shook his head.

"Nah. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Anyway it's for a good cause. Your clothes are horrendous, Carmen. Where's your taste?" he jibed jokingly, trying to break the solemn mood.

"Hey!" I cried indignantly. "My clothes are just fine!" Looking down at the dirty t-shirt, jeans and worn out sneakers, I peered at Alan. "Asshole." I huffed, stomping into the bedroom with the clothes in my hands, trying to pretend that I couldn't hear his hooting laughter in the background.

"You look much better now." Alan commented as we stepped out of the car.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I grumbled. The dark gray mandarin colored jacket did look pretty good with the black t-shirt and dark pants. Alan tried to make me wear a vest or a turtleneck rather than the t-shirt but I refused.

"You, on the other hand should get a make-over. That face is just out of fashion."

Alan laughed. "Woman, your claws are showing."

I stuck out my tongue at him and shook my head, laughing resignedly. The day had gone by really fast. I had my qualms about Alan and I being able to hit it off outside a lunch date or coffee. Most of the time he had to leave really fast and we never really 'hung out' that much, save for the day he dropped by at Bronte's. That was the only time we 'hung out' but Bronte was there as well.

The gate was opened and we let ourselves in. Music and laughter floated out of the house. There must be quite a number of people in there. I wondered if Kiara was there already.

Walking into the house, I felt lost in the crowd. Looking around to see if I could spot a familiar face, I met the eyes of Lynn. Was she glowering at me?

"Carmen. Alan." Harris found us and I let out a breath of relieve. "Here, have a drink. The dinner's about to start soon. You might wanna meet the birthday girl first."

Both Alan and I looked down and saw a girl gazing at us shyly. "Hi." I handed her the gift. "Happy Birthday. You look beautiful." I added and she blushed.

"Hello." Alan stretched out his hand and she took it cautiously. "It is my pleasure to be invited to such a lovely girl's birthday." he said in his charming way and I rolled my eyes.

"Give her a break, Alan." I whispered to him, seeing that it was already too late for the girl looked infatuated already.

Harris laughed. "I think she's charmed by both of you. I'd better get her a chaperon each time she meets you guys." he joked.

I laughed, searching the room inconspiciously for Kiara. "She's in the toilet." Harris said to my surprise. How did he know? Catching sight of Kiara finally, I was going over to talk to her when Lynn reached her first. Oh well. Guess it'll have to wait.

"Kiara." Lynn grabbed her best friend's arm.

"Yeah?"

"I just..." Lynn wanted to do something before Taylor turned away. She had to make a move before it was too late. So she leaned down and pressed her lips against her friend's.

After the initial shock, Kiara started to push her friend away. "Lynn, what came over you?" she asked, a little angry at being forced to do something that she was not ready for. "I told you I needed more time and..." she felt someone's eyes on them and turned to see Taylor looking away hurriedly.

Was that hurt in her eyes? Kiara wondered before she realized what her friend was trying to do. "That was despicable, Lynn!" she cried.

"Kiara, please, listen to me. You mean so much to me. But you're so blind to see that. So blinded by the feelings you think you have for her that you can't accept me."

"Let me go. Lynn, please." Kiara said firmly, her eyes boring into her best friend's. Lynn finally relaxed her grip and Kiara pulled away from her. "We will talk. After this. But before that could you just behave decently?" her tone was icy and Lynn's heart dropped. She nodded resignedly and watched Kiara walk away. Her eyes searched for Taylor and saw her sitting down beside her friend with a forlorn look on her face while he chatted with Annabelle.

At least I got to her. she thought.

They kissed. I thought numbly. So I was right and they are more than friends.

Ha ha. Told you. They're already living together so I think you'd better get on with it and stop thinking about getting back together. the voice jeered.

Shuddup. Taking a gulp of the forgotten cocktail Harris passed me earlier on, I turned to Alan and Annabelle and tried to concentrate on what they were saying.

"Who named your puppy?" Alan was asking Anabelle.

"Aunt Kiara helped me just now. She is so smart. I really like her, don't you?" Annabelle glanced at me. "Why are you so quiet?" she asked. Hm. This girl was really inquisitive once she got past her bashfulness, eh?

"I was just listening to you, that's all. You've got a really nice voice, you know? It reminds me of Kiara's." Annabelle grinned sweetly. She obviously took it as a compliment. "And from memory, she is very... articulate as well." I said with a chuckle.

"What's articulate?" Annabelle asked.

"Talkative." Alan said helpfully whilst I glared at him. 'What?' he mouthed. 'Was just trying to help.'

"Really?" A new voice chimed in. It was Kiara. "Mind if I sit down with the people who thinks I'm talkative?" she asked with a smirk on her face and a hand on her hip.

Uh oh. I nodded mutely, moving a little for her to sit on the couch that was fast becoming overcrowded.

Annabelle laughed. "But you are, Aunt Kiara!" she exclaimed. Alan laughed.

"Hi, I'm Alan. I've heard lots about you." he said, offering his hand. Kiara took it with a smile. "Oh? More than me just being talkative, I hope." Alan winked and I groaned inwardly.

"Would you like to come over to my place on the weekend?" Alan asked Kiara. "You see," he continued hurriedly, "I'm having a small gathering and I thought I'd ask you along to be the entertainer or something. I hear that you're a novelist."

Kiara nodded. Alan smirked and looked at me. What gathering? "Oh, you're invited too, Carmen." I snarled at him and Kiara started giggling.

"What are you laughing at?" I turned to Kiara with a mock stern expression and my heart skipped a beat. She looked so kissable. Sighing inwardly because that was the unthinkable, I resumed my charade.

"You." she smiled. Caught in her eyes, I could not think of anything else to say. We just looked at each other for a long, long time.

"Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for what I did earlier." Lynn said hurriedly. She hoped that what she did had not jeopardise her chances.

"It's okay. I was just a little shocked, that's all." Kiara replied. She had known the answer that she had wanted to give all along, but did not know how to phrase it. "About your... proposition, I've given a long, serious consideration to."

Lynn held her breath. Please, please let her say yes. Please...

"I'm sorry, Lynn. I can't."

"Why not?" Lynn asked, anguished. "Is it because of her?"

"No, it's not because of Taylor. I just can't see myself being with you that way. We are still best friends, Lynn. I love you no less, I just don't love you that way." she explained.

"God, Kiara. I want this so much. I want you so much. Why can't you just give me a chance? Give us a chance?" Lynn pleaded. She was sure that it was all because of her action at Harris' that made Kiara feel that way.

"I'm sorry, Lynn. I did consider going out with you, really. But tonight, when you kissed me..."

"I told you I was sorry about that. It was childish and immature and... I'm really sorry Kiara. Please believe me."

"I do." Kiara clasped Lynn's hand in hers.