JIM'S JOKES

• So this guy walks into a bar... and gets a nasty bump on his head.

• I have a great sense of humor...just look at my wardrobe.

• Marriage is like insanity... you really ought to be committed.

• I used to be married. Once in fact, I was married to two different women, at the same time!
  And I supported both of them. I know some of you think that's horrible. But I always
  thought it was kinda... BIG-O-MEE

• Now I'm practicing celibacy... and one of these nights I'm gonna get it right!

• I tried safe sex once. I didn't like it though. You men know what I'm
  talking about. First of all, it gave me a terrible backache. But the worst thing was what
  nobody tells you until too late... that you can't unlock a safe from the inside!

• Celibacy is for people that don't give a f_ck!

• Joe Blo couldn't last one day in my shoes... because of the smell!

• My problem is... I have the attention span of a... what was I saying?

• Did you ever wonder what your dog thinks when he sees you peeing in his water bowl?

• My girlfriend asked me if I thought she was fat. I said,"No... I think you are a perfect ten...
  on the Richter scale!

• I went to the Apollo Theatre the other night. I didn't stay long though. The emcee was
  announcing the first act, and he asked the audience to show the performer some love...
  so I took off my pants!

• I'm really not down with ebonics. Can anyone here define a word for me. I know
  I'm probably wrong, but would "Booty-licious" actually mean... tastes like shit !

• I've been really upset lately. Not long ago my mother informed me that she has been living
  with a younger man for over a year... my little brother moved back in!

• So this horse walks into a bar... and gets a nasty bump on his head

• I walked into a really nice looking restaurant last week. Really nice! The hostess took
  one look at me and scowled. Then she asked me if I had reservations. I said ,"Yes...
  but I'm hungry so I'll eat here anyway!

• I called up another restaurant the other day, and asked if they had any vegetarian
  food on the menu. When the employee said,"Yes." I responded,
  " Well, could you wipe it off. That really grosses me out!"

• Did you hear the one about the drag queen who got charged with Fe-mail fraud

• Are any of you folks into computers? I just got a new CD burner the other day.
  Well actually it's a blowtorch... but it does the job!

• As far as religion goes, I consider myself a spiritualist...
  though some still refer to it as alcoholism.

• One time this heckler interupted my act with a," You think your really funny, don't you?"
  "Yes, I do." I responded," I sound funny... I feel funny... I look funny... I smell funny...
  Heck, I even taste funny !"

• Are there any racists out there. I'm a racist. Marathons mostly!... No, I'm just kidding.
  The only long distances I do are on the telephone... So I'm more of a "Sprint-er".

• There are no old Nazis... just veteran arians.

• Remember...coffee without a cigarette, is like a condom without sex!
you've been wonderful! THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Looking for more. Then check out the homepage and explore!
BACK TO HOMEPAGE
? copyright 2003 James W, Bush / C.T.G.J.L. All rights reserved