I didn't get a lot of good quotes in 2001. For one thing, some of the quotes I did get, upon looking back, aren't so funny. There are quite a few of those you-had-to-be-there moments. Secondly, there was all that trouble with my homepage and for a while, I kind of gave up on even writing things I'd heard down, wondering what the point would be if I didn't have a website to put them on. To top it off, I then graduated, moved away from my friends and family, and got a full-time job. No school--lack of stupid peers to quote; no friends and family--no one I actually talk to whose funny to quote; full-time job--there isn't much time to write down the funny things I do hear. But, still, what I did get is on display here.
--Bob: *after a dark-skinned customer comes in, Bob eyes him, turns to Dale (the oh-so-Southern Merita delivery man) and me* "You reckon that's one of Bin Laden's crew? Looks just like 'im."
Me: "That guy? Are you kidding?"
Bob: "No, look at 'im!"
Dale: *goes to head of aisle customer is in; stares at customer for a moment; comes back to us* "Reckon 'e is. You wanna keep an eye on that one."
Bob: "I heard 'im over there talkin' to 'imself when 'e came in, spoutin' out some Arab-talk."
Me: *reasonably appalled* "He's not Arabic! He's Hispanic!"
Bob: "How you know that?"
Me: "That was Spanish he was speaking!"
Bob: "How you know that?"
Me: "Because I took four years of Spanish in high school!"
Bob: *looking disappointed* "Oh."
--"*glances out the front doors to the parking lot, where a Miller truck is parked, looks shocked* The beer guy is here! Oh, no! *turns and almost runs into the delivery man pushing a cartload of beer* Can you put some of that in my truck?" --Customer
--Young Girl with Father: *spots our bucket of Swiss army knives* "Ooh, look, Dad, knives!"
Father: *calmly*"You know what that looks like to me? That looks to me like a whole bucketful of detentions and suspensions."
Girl: *looks genuinely frightened* "Noooo!"
Father: "Oh, yes. And you know what comes after that: reform school."
--*points to magazine with "WANTED!--Bin Laden" on the cover, turns to Bob solemnly* "You reckon he's wanted?" --Coastal Produce Delivery Man
--Me: "How are you today?"
Richard, A Regular: "Good, since I'm having you for dinner tonight...for spaghetti."
--Richard, On Halloween: "Have you ever seen that movie, 'It'?"
Me: "Yeah, the Stephen King movie?"
David: "You know the clown?"
Me: "Pennywise, sure. You have a mask?"
David: "I have a mask and I like to pull it out every Halloween and ride down the street on my motorcycle with it on. I swear, you can see people driving off the side of the road."
--"Aww, what's the matter? You look sad. Are you having a bad day? You know what you should do? You should go home and smack your boyfriend. No, seriously. You should just go up to him and go, 'Hi, honey!' Smack!" --Man from Bogey's
--General Parts Mechanic: *walking by Rue, who is mopping* Is it okay if I walk out through the back door?"
Rue: "Yeah, only if you do it on your hands."
--Me: *as Rue is leaving* "Well, bye. Have fun."
Rue: "Have fun? I'm gonna go home, eat a sandwich, and talk to the cat."
--Bob: *gesturing to a tabloid on our stand* "Do you believe that? That Bush was cloned and there's an imposter in the White House?"
Me: "No, why would anybody clone him? It'd be like cloning a monkey, only more pointless."
--"EXTREME TRASH!" --Nathan
--"Grandma told me a story once. She said, 'Once, I was beautiful. I was the envy of every girl in town.' I didn't believe Grandma, 'cause she's real ugly. I told her, 'I don't believe you, Grandma, 'cause you're real ugly.' She said to me, 'Once, I was young and beautiful, like you. Then, I told an old lady with a cane that she was real ugly. When my swollen eyes could open enough to let me see again," --Story I Wrote That I Found While Going through an Old Folder I have no idea where the story was going. I don't even have any recollection of writing the story. I never finished it, never even finished that sentence. Hmm, what might have been...
--"That song's about me." --Mr. York, As the School's Radio Station Plays Dolly Parton's "Hard Candy Christmas"
--"It's All About Me" --April's Presentation
--"This is, like--I don't know, it's just different." --Mlle Ross
--"Mr. York, this is too hard! I'm going to take it home for my mom to do." --Andy
--Kevin B.: "Hey, I'll pay you 50¢ if you kick that girl over there."
Amante: "*looks around at girl in question* Yeah, sure. *Kevin digs in his pocket for money*"
Me: "Wait a minute, what?"
Amante: "*Kevin gives Amante the money; Amante gets up, kicks the girl lightly and awkwardly in the shin, comes back to sit down at the table* There."
Kicked Girl: *gaping at us openly, then trying to play it off in front of her friends* Okay, but you're a faggot."
Amante: "I just got money, I don't care."
Girl: "Whatever, you're a faggot. You're a faggot! You're a faggot!"
Sarah: "So? YOu're...fat!"
--Mr. Carter: "*yelling at black light* Flame on! Come on! Flame on!"
Christy: "Did he say, 'Flame on'? The only thing flaming n here is him."
--"Flame on!" --Adam
--"My class doesn't believe me. They want to see you rub your rod and make it sing." --Mr. Green, Referring to Mr. Carter's Demonstration
--Mr. York: "So the class of 2001--"
Breea: "Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Okay, sorry."
--"*walks by Brad C. and Brandom* Fuck you and fuck you. No, I take that back, just fuck Brad." --April (Angry Chair Chick!)
--Mr. Russell (The Principal): "It is my pleasure to declare today Bill Asbury Day."
Me: "*loudly* What the fuck?" Mr. Asbury is/was a teacher at Central.
--"Hey, where are all the band geeks, man?" --Adam
--Man, someone in here has some coconut on, it is unreal." --Mr. Carter
--"That's what my wheels look like when I'm rollin'." --Adam
--"I see a house and a tree...A UFO running into this house." --Adam, When Mr. Carter Asks Us What We See in a Perfectly Innocent Picture
--"I tried to make this more challenging for you by making the letters so blurry you can hardly read them." --Mr. York
--"Twenty-four percent of them said they found loud commercials annoying. I guess the rest of them liked it." --Mr. York
--Melissa C.: "*Lianne sighs loudly* What's wrong?"
Lianne: "People are pissing me off today."
Melissa C.: "Well, obviously, you're just in a bad mood."
Lianne: "Yeah, I am!"
Melissa C.: "Wah! Why don't you call 9-1-1 for a wahmbulance?"
--Drew: "*to Melissa C., after she makes a harsh comment about him* Kinship goes a long way."
Melissa C.: "You should try it sometime."
--"Can I play with your safety pin, Amy? I'm really bored." --Emily, In the Middle of a Spanish Lesson
--Mrs. Spalding: "It's a real pleasure having Stephanie in class."
Dad: "I just wish she'd spend more time there and less time at home."
*awkward silence*
Me: *realizing what he's said* Hey, what did I do?"
Dad: "I'm just kidding. Just joking."
Mrs. Spalding: "Oh! *relieved laugh* I didn't know what to say..."
--Drew: "Miss Ross, it's starting to get hot in here again."
Ryan: "Really, it is. We're hyperventalating back here."
--"We sit in classrooms. / Marcus is very tired. / Let's go home right now." --Sr. Coudret's Radiohead-esque Poem
--Lori: "Okay, there's this really good pianist at Harrison and--"
Sangeeta: "Nino?"
Lori: "Yeah. *Sangeeta rolls her eyes dramatically* Okay, disregard the eye roll you just saw--"
Sangeeta: "And the flutter. Don't forget the flutter."
--Jeremiah: "*Katie attempts to open the bathroom door as I'm coming out of the shower* Someone's in there, Katie."
Me: "*Katie continues to try to open the door* I'm in here!"
Jeremiah: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm using the bathroom!"
Dad: "She's eating dinner."
Jeremiah: "Huh?"
Dad: "What do you think she's doing? What do people usually> do in the bathroom?"
--"'Ooh, I'm a junior and I'm in a class with seniors.' Want a cookie?" --Christy
--"*makes a casual comment, jumps around to look at a table of rude classmates who constantly second-guess our our lab group* Got anything to say about that?" --Christy
--Mrs. Berry: "Hey, does anyone have change for a twenty dollar bill?"
Adam: "We don't have any money, we're teenagers."
Mr. Russell (The Teacher): "We're teachers. We never have money."
Adam: "Hey, you guys are the ones with $20. I got a job, but it don't pay."
Mrs. Berry: "We need to pay off our hitmen."
Sarah W.: "*briefly glancing up from her work* What did she just say?"
--Ryan W.: "Mrs. Berry, are you giving us a final this semester?"
Mrs. Berry: "Oh, probably not. Whatever's easiest for me."
--"He's going to spew bear acid all over you!" --John, Attacking William with a Stuffed Bear
--It's okay, man, it's just burnt celery!" --Adam
--"*snifts in deeply* It smells like burnt celery in here. It smells gooooooooood." --Adam
--Josh: "Oh, I forgot to bring your shorts back."
Mr. York: "Wait a minute--what were you doing with his shorts? Nevermind, don't tell us."
--Sara: "Why do we have so many equations?"
Mr. York: "Just to confuse you."
Sara: "That's what I thought."
--Mlle Ross: "Sara, tu as fine?" Translation: "Sara, you are done?"
Me: "Oui."
Melissa C.: "Woah--bite me."
--"I was going to, like, defend them, but then I thought, 'Woah, you crazy people!'" --Melissa C.
--Mr. York: "How do you do it if the number you're looking for's not over there?"
Andy: "You don't."
Mr. York: "That's right, just cheat."
--"*in a mock phone conversation with the teacher* Miss Ross, I don't want you to sit at my lunch table anymore. That's all I have to say to you, this conversation is over." --Drew
--Drew: "Hey, Miss Ross, Etienne really likes you. Will you go out with him this Sunday?"
Dan (Etienne): "Uh...that's not funny."
--Mlle Ross: "*in a mock phone conversation with Dan* Salut, Dan. No, I mean, salut, Etienne."
Dan: "Sorry, you have the wrong number. *hangs up*"
--"You stare at me like you want to eat me or something." --John
--Sr. Coudret: "It looks like a picture of Sangeeta."
Lauren: "You have a picture of Sangeeta, what?"
--Me: "*Dad is making pancakes; he glances out the dining room window into the backyard, does a double-take, and seems preoccupied with something outside for several moments* Dad, is there a beautiful woman undressing in our backyard or something? What are you staring at?"
Dad: "Oh, Cheyenne's just out there tossing her cookies. Hmm. *turns back to making pancakes*" Cheyenne is one of our dogs.
--"He'll never buy a house. He'll never even buy a condiminium." --Christy
--"Table A-2 bites." --Andy
--"I selected 50 women at random and then my wife smacked me." --Mr. York
--"Where are you parked? I can meet you in the parking lot and you can buy some products from me. Okay? *no response* No?" --Drew
--Me: "Remember that episode of 'Saved by the Bell' where Jessie became addicted to caffeine pills and she kept singing? '*sobbing* I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it...I'm so excited...'"
Nathan: "Remember that episode where Zach became addicted to cocaine? 'Time out--this cocaine is great!--time in.'"
--"If you melted down a quarter--which is illegal--the value of the resulting metal would be less than 25 cents." --Economics Textbook
--Mr. Carter: "How can you tell if something is hot?"
Trent: "You touch it."
--"Someone tried to tell me that if you have a cup of water that is exactly the same as your body temperature and you put your hand in it, you won't be able to feel it and I told them they were a dirty liar." --Trent
--"*dips his finger in beaker of hot water, then quickly pulls it back out* Wow!" --Mr. Carter
--"*dips his finger in the beaker again, makes a face like a pouting child* Ooh!" --Mr. Carter
--"*pretends to submerge his hand in a large beaker of hot water, shouts in pain* Ow! *does it again* Hot! *again* This hurts! *one more time* I'm a dumbass!" --Mark
--"*also pretending to submerge his hand in a large beaker of hot...something* 'Ow! Oh, yeah, hot wax!'" --Adam
--"I want to try it on a larger scale. With something like this. *produces a huge leaf-blower from seemingly nowhere*" --Mr. Carter
--*Mr. Carter begins to set up for a demonstration on his table; Adam B. immediately jumps up and runs to the back of the room when Mr. Carter lifts up the leaf-blower*
--"Uh, God's name is not 'dang,' thank you." --Ryan
--John: "We made up a song...goes something like this...how did it go?"
Drew: "You didn't forget, you just don't want to sing it. Pussy."
--Mrs. Hahn: "So if something ever does happen to our government, we're..."
Me: "Screwed?"
Zach: "Foo-barred?"
Mrs. Hahn: "Foo-barred."
Christy: "Woah..."
--Mrs. Hahn: "It is the God of Money, Alan Greenspan."
Christy: "I told you he was The Money God!"
--"He's a dirty old man." --Christy, On Mr. York
--Andy: "Who needs their stupid club anyway?"
Mr. York: "They give out free drugs."
--"Hello, my name is Josh Tempel and I'm calling for Sears. Can you hear me okay? (Allow response.) Great. We're calling you today to let you know that over the past several years, there has been an increase in credit card theft and fraud. Sears is very concerned about this increase and wants to bring Sears Credit Registration to your attention. This program will give you the peace of mind knowing that when any of your family's cards are missing, all you need to do is make one toll-free call to us, anytime, anywhere, and we'll take care of the rest. We'll immediately notify your card issuers to block your missing cards and request new oines be sent out as soon as possible. This saves you the time and trouble of finding all your account numbers and calling card companies yourself. Sears CCR will not only protect your Sears card, it also covers all other creidt and debit cards for your entire household. This benefit, along with many others, is fully explained in the membership material. And, Mr/s York, as a valued Sears customer, we have arranged for you to receive this service for 30 days, absolutely free. At the end of the trial period, unless we hear from you, your Sears credit card will automatically be billed just $39.95 for 3 full years of coverage." --Corey, Having Memorized His Telemarketing Speech and Written It on the Board For Reasons Unknown
--"He's going to be a washed-up old drunk with a venereal disease in 15 years." --Me
--Woman in The Story of the Federal Reserve System Comic Book: "We have more to lend, now that The Fed has bought some government securities and the proceeds have been deposited in the bank."
David: "Like everyone calls it 'The Fed.'"
--A Different Woman in The Story of the Federal Reserve System Comic Book: "The fall in the value o fthe dollar has really raised the price of these cars."
David: "Nobody talks like that!"
--Street Thug in The Story of the Federal Reserve System: "*clutching the lapels of an old man's suit and holding out his hand expectantly* Hand over your social security check."
Old Man in The Story of the Federal Reserve System: "*gesturing to a bank (I assume), looking unworried, despite the fact that he's in a dark alley at night with a street thug* Sorry to disappoint you, but my social security benefits are depositied in the bank electronically."
--"*reading in a serious tone* 'People from any neighborhood who qualify for loans should get them.' *starts laughing" --David
--"When I go to the theater, I go to see Saving Private Ryan--got a problem with that?" --Ryan
--Mike: "Can I see your paper?"
Adam: "No! Why do you always want to touch our stuff?!"
--Mike: "Would you ever donate sperm?"
Adam: "Yeah. I'd jerk off for free. Wouldn't you?"
Mike: "I don't know, I've never done it...for free."
--"If I worked in lingerie, I'd probably start trying it on." --Adam
--"He had this slutty wife named Donna." --Ross, In His Darmstadt Pizza Works Presentation
--"What was my uncle's slutty wife's name?" --Ross, In His Darmstadt Pizza Works Presentation Follow-Up Quiz
--"*opens a gasoline can, sniffs into it * Ohhh, yeah." --Mr. Carter
--"Becky, could you, like, sit down?" --Mr. Carter
---"*pours hot water out of the second-story window, addresses the teacher in the room below his* Mrs. Funkhouser, say, 'Hello!'" --Mr. Carter
--Sarah H.: "Mr. York, your Fun-Packed Fridays are getting stupider by the Friday."
Mr. York: "I make them to match the students' ability level."
--"We didn't keep score, but, yeah, we won." --Johnny
--Adam: "Why are you looking at me?"
Mike: "Because no one else is as pretty as you."
--Adam: "Why would I do that? . . . . "
Anna: "Because you're Adam."
--"What are you doing to that chair?" --Jessica B.
--"Who is that one really little teacher? *motions with his hands to represent a person about three feet tall*" --Boy in Hall, Probably Referring to Mlle Ross, Who Is Well Under 5' Tall
--"Click your beach and insert." --Mrs. Spalding
--Mrs. Spalding: "You have the principal, the vice-principal, the secretaries, the department heads, the teachers, and the students. That's the order of importance. Well, not importance, but the order of who has the most power."
Me: "Where do they janitors come in?"
--Me: "And this is supposed to be some life-changing realization we came to over spring break?"
Anna: "I guess...what bullshit!"
Me: "Uh...it rained over spring break and I realized..."
Anna: "...That it rains sometimes..."
--Adam: "Did you see the little picture I drew for you, Banana?"
Anna: "Yeah, it's really cute, Adam...what is it, a little squirrel or something?"
--"It looks like a ball with a head and feathers sticking out its ass. You could just throw it, like a ball." --Adam
--Adam: "Have you been working out?"
Mike: "*scoffing* No."
--Craig G.: "What movie are you talking about?"
Adam: "Blow."
Craig G.: "That movie looks scary."
Adam: "You look scary."
Craig G.: "Thanks--I'm tired of your shit! *punches Adam's arm*"
--"Unfortunately, your school cannot supply you with an actual gold crown for this activitiy. A less valuable piece of scrap iron will simulate the crown." --Lab from "Conceptual Physics" Lab Manual
--"One of us is thinking about sex. OK, it's me." --Emmy's Key Chain
--"I wish I could get my mother-in-law to go up in a tree like that. I'd chop the tree down." --Mr. York
--"I'm going to find someone who loves me enough to take my cookie." --Laura
--"Somebody's gonna slap you, Drew." --Melissa C.
--Dan: "Can I see your book?"
Jessica M.: "Yeah. As long as you don't burn it or write in it or whatever."
---Jessica B.: "Don't do that."
Lianne: "Don't do what? Smile and wave?"
Jessica B.: "Yeah."
--"*after Dan W. threatens him* Thanks, Dan. I know you care about me." --Ray
--"We'll stop right here, so we can appreciate her strangling tomorrow." --Mrs. Berry
--"So instead of trying to weed through all this--weed?" --Mr. York
--"What did the vampire say when he went to the beer factory? *almost a Bela Lugosi accent* 'I want to suck your Bud.'" --Mr. York
--"Don Quijote contesta con una canción. Es muy estraña." --Lauren Translation: "Don Quixote answers with a song. It's very strange."
--Lesley: "*holds up an old assignment* Can we throw this away, then?"
Sr. Coudret: "Not in front of me."
--"Do you want my muffins? Do you want my muffins? Do you?" --Adam
--Anna: "*after Adam flicks her for no reason* Quit! Adam! Stop flicking me!"
Adam: "Then stop flicking me!"
Anna: "I didn't even touch you!"
--Adam: "*pats Anna's shoulder* It's all right, Anna. We'll find the penis, it's all right. It's all right, it'll be all right. We just have to find your penis. Not my penis, your penis. Not God's penis, your penis. It's okay."
Me: "*laughing helplessly* There is some inside joke here that I just don't get."
Adam: "*looks at me blankly* Uh, no. There's no inside joke."
--"Doughnuts don't kill people! Doughnuts are good!" --John B.
--"*glancing at the propped-open front door* Ah, I see we have the Dollar General air-conditioning on." --Bob
--"I said, 'She ain't nothin' but lactose-intolerant." --Brad C.
--"He went total irate-psycho and hit him in the face." --Becky
--"Usually, when I do that to a woman, she gets sick." --Adam
--"Is that one of those pregnant decisions? *the pregnant Mrs. Hahn shakes her fist in mock wrath at him*" --Boy
--Sr. Coudret: "Once you touch the soil in Spain, something just makes you wanna do it again."
Isaac: "Ahh, put it in a jar."
--"There was winking? What?" --Lauren
--Craig G.: "What is that thing?"
Mike: "It's called a closet, Craig. It's used to store materials."
--"O help me' here--or 'there!'" --Shawn
--Mrs. Berry: "'What is the matter, ho?'"
Adam: "She said 'ho.'"
--"'D' as in 'Dung Heap That Is on Fire.'" --Mr. York
--Tyler: "What kind of videos?"
Mr. york: "Well, I don't know, but they said it had something to do with Tyler and a horse."
--"They got fired, because they went up to someone they didn't like and said, 'Get whack, dawg.'" --Mr. York
--"I don't drink and drive. I drink at the stoplights." --Mr. York
--Corey: "Mr. York, I heard you was crackalackin' this weekend."
Mr. York: "Really?"
Corey: "Yeah. And bubbleatin'."
--"'I want some ghetto chocolate, please.'" --Melissa C. She's referring to gâteau au chocolat, which translates to chocolate cake.
--"The penny-farthing had no gears, just pedals attached directly to the wheel axle. For every revolution of the pedals, the large wheel turned once. Unfortunately, as the bike moved faster, the pedals eventually rotated too fast for the rider to control." --Holt Physics Textbook
--"'O, falsely, falsely murdered!'--I thought I was dead..." --Sarah M., Playing Desdemona, The Falsely Accused Adulteress Who Just Won't Die
--"Gives a whole new meaning to 'getting plastered a the Embassy Suite.'" --Mr. Carter
--"Yes, he has less of a pull on the vine than the vine's limit. So it's, uh, all good." --Me, Answering a Question in a Physics Assignment Incidentally, I was wrong. *sigh*
--"Don't permutate when you're supposed to combinate. Never permutate when you're alone." --Mr. York
--"We were working in the lab and Mr. Knopfmeier was like, 'Baby powder, bay-bay!'" --Corey
--"Stop poking your arm into his pencil!" --Mr. York
--"Stop playing games, York!" --John D.
--"I have a healthy heart. I drank a lot of blood thinner." --Mr. York
--Tyler: "What'd I do?"
Mr. York: "Sign up for statistics...I don't know."
--"It's so hot in here, I'm itching." --Drew
--"I did. The book told me to." --Melissa C.
--Mlle Ross: "Fraçcois, numero huit, s'il vous plait?" Translation: "Drew, number eight, please?"
Drew: "Huh?"
Ryan: You know, numero huit, get with the program!"
--"You didn't say 'whore.' You said, 'whooooooore.'" --Adam
--"He wants to be white, he wants to be a cracker! He wants our hos!" --Adam, On Othello
--Mrs. Berry: "Okay--you could say something untrue about someone else."
Adam: "Craig, you're straight."
--"I called you straight. Ha, ha!" --Adam
--Mrs. Berry: "Did I assign anyone the part of Bianca?"
Mike: "April."
Adam: "She's perfect for the part. 'Do it again, whore.'"
--Mr. Carter: "I have stuff to pass back to you."
Voice One: "I'll do it!"
Voice Two: "I'll do it!"
Voice Three: "I'll do it!"
Voice Four: "I won't!"
--"*Mr. Carter works frustratedly over a problem quietly for several moments; he throws his calculator across the room, where it hits the trash can loudly; he never glances up* Didn't have an exponent key." --Mr. Carter
--"Gimme a PIG!" --Mr. York
--John: "You cut your hair, Drew!"
Drew: "No, actually, it's a wig."
"'Who has that breast so pure / But some uncleanly apprehensions / Keep leets and law days, and in sessions sit / With medi'--'law'--'medi'--'law'--yeah." --Nathan S.
--Craig G.: "My head hurts."
Mike: "I'm sorry. *extremely deep voice* O, sweet Craig, let me fetch for you an aspirin from the cupboard."
--Me: "Woah, you listen to Poe?"
Amante: "Yeah, she's, like, my goddess."
--Trent: "*rips paper out of Adam's notebook* Can I have a piece of paper, Adam?"
Adam: "I suppose so. Queer."
--"Why don't you show her your inertia, Trent?" --Adam
--Brent: "*Mr. Carter runs a gyroscope on his desk* You know what that sounds like."
Corey M.: "Something rattling?"
Adam: "Yeah, that's what I hear..."
--"What's up with your posture, man?" --Adam
--"Homo World Champions." --Trent, On Male Gymnasts Video
--"She's ripped, period." --Emily C., On Young Female Gymnasts Video
--Andy: "What time do you get here in the morning?"
Mr. York: "6:30, every morning."
Andy: "Can I come in at 6:30 tomorrow morning so you can explain this to me?"
Mr. York: "I don't know if you want to, I rub lotion all over my body every morning."
--"One day, we heard mummbling in the closet and we opened the door and you were in there. And I've been afraid to go back there since." --Mr. York, Teasing Breea about the Closet Incident
--Ryan: "I don't take my music seriously."
Me: "That's obvious, you listen to Metallica."
--"Sarah W.: "Meghan, quit being so negative!"
Meghan: "Sorry."
--"It is neither here nor there, cracker." --Adam's Ebonics Interpretation of Othello
--"Nevermore, you cracker-faced thug!" --Adam's Ebonics Interpretation of Othello
--"A section of the cracker fleet!" --Adam's Ebonics Interpretation of Othello
--"They had an ape mask and whoever put on the ape mask got the shit kicked out of him." --Adam
--Girl: "What are those race cars made of?"
Me: "Car stuff--ha ha ha! Sorry."
--Sarah: "Steph, what are you made of?"
Me: "Human stuff. I don't know. Eighty percent water?"
--"The annual Cinco de Mayo car race." --Me
--Mr. Carter: "I was down at the Daytona 500 once and they had a burnout pit."
Sarah: "What? Hippie?"
--"Have you seen the infomercial on these? I've seen the informercial on these, like, twelve times. It was awesome." --Trent
--Brent: "Carter, take it back there."
Mr. Carter: "Thanks, Hoelffer, but it's my class."
--"Pregnant guys? With clown shoes?" --Christy
--"Ow, this hurts. Ow, this hurts." --Mr. Carter, Each Time He Does a Pull-Up on His Back-Saver
--Katie G.: "Are you gonna put this [overhead] back up?"
Mr. Carter: "Yeah, I'm gonna throw this back up. *realizes what he said* Bleuh!"
--Mr. York: "They could make a miniseries out of my life."
Andy: "They could make a mini-series about my life, too."
Mr. York: "Yeah, but they'd actually watch mine."
--"Come on, divy up the parts, Craig!" --Mike, Mocking Mrs. Berry's Excessive Use of the Word "Divy"
--"'Bring me my tender, ho!'" --Craig G., At Various Times throughout the Period
--"It's like ebonics in Shakespeare." --Sarah M.
--Me: "Othello says 'holla.'"
Craig G.: "I know, I saw that, too! *entire table bursts into laughter*"
--Mrs. Hahn: "...Cigarettes...*Mr. I. Harris passes in the hall, hacking up what's left of his lungs*"
Christy: "Speaking of cigarettes..."
--"Carter, nobody gives a fuck, will you just give us the test?" --Brent
--"PHYSICS is PHUN" -Mr. Carter's Baseball Bat
--"She should use some of that monely to buy prosthetic legs. Okay, sorry, that wasn't funny." --Me
--Mr. York: "*enters something into his calculator; pauses and stares at the calculator blankly for a moment* My calculator didn't do anything, the screen went blank."
Tyler: "*sadly* Batteries not included."
--Jessica B.: "Porridge!"
Melissa C.: "Porridge?"
Jessica B.: "Porridge!"
Melissa C.: "Look what I did to my pants!"
Jessica B.: "*symphathetically* Ohhhhhh! Porridge!"
--"Jessica, why do you keep saying 'porridge'?" --Melissa C., Many "Porridge"s Later
--"You have wax on that?--Can I touch it?" --John
--Mlle Ross: "You could say, 'These hamburgers are--'"
Ryan: "'--A terrible waste of beef.'"
--Jessica B.: "If 'day' is masculine, is 'night' feminine?"
Mlle Ross: "Yes, it is."
Melissa C.: "Woah!"
--*John repeated throws a paper ball to the trash can, missing every time; Mlle Ross calls attention to this by telling him he isn't very good (in French, of course); the entire class turns to watch as John misses again, then makes it; John cheers; everyone turns back to the teacher; moments later, one of John's textbooks flies across the room and slams into the trashcan; John cheers*
--"I am bof. Super. Super bof."
Bof is a French expression that indicates indifference. Super is a cognate.
--"*singing* 'Tiny cinnamon trees, swimming in the sea...'" --John, Numerous Times throughout the Period
--Mlle Ross: "C'est combien?" Translation: "How much is it?"
Ryan: "Is that asking if your mom's the cook?"
--"When we team up to get this load off the truck, let's keep top of mind that no box of merchandise is worth lunging for. We all know our positions and we're warmed up. Did you hear a honk?" --"Unloading the Truck" Sign in the Break Room, Featuring a Man-Sized Bald Eagle Talking to Two Human Loaders Wouldn't they be scared if they saw a man-sized bald eagle that could talk? Shouldn't they be scared?
--Boy in Hall: "Come on, Keisha!"
Keisha: "I am comin' on!"
--"Now, kiss and make-up." --Adam, On Othello and Iago Being Made to Kneel before One Another after the Murder(s)
--"Most Chinese believe that the human-rights situation in China is the best ever." --Beijing Official, Quoted in Time, 05 March 2001
--"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." --George W. Bush, Quoted in Time, 05 March 2001 WHAT AN IDIOT!
--"It's amazing that we did not have a teacher the entire period and no one died." --Brent
--"Now, now, he's probably off permutating in a bathroom somewhere." --Mr. York
--Mr. York: "You buy life insurance to ensure that your family has money after you're gone."
Sara H.: "But if you're gone, who cares?"
--"[The roadwork's] supposed to take three years, which means that by the time your grandchildren are in school, they'll probably be done." --Mr. York
--"Another perk of living in a Communist country." --Christy
--Mr. York: "Are they harrassing you, John?"
John S.: "Yes, they are, they're talking about--"
Mr. York: "I don't wanna know!"
--Jessica B.: "*comes into the classroom, looks around, announces* Porridge. *pause* Porridge."
Katie B.: "Porridge!"
Jessica B.: "Porridge!"
--"The Eiffel Tower's just like the World Trade Center. Big deal. There's enough tall things in the world." --Ryan
--Lauren: "What are you talking about?"
Mike: "We're talking about you, Lauren."
Lauren: "Oh, okay. I though so. I'll go back to reading my book, now."
--Jordan: "We're going to see who can wrap the basketball player up like a mummy the fastest!"
Me: "Like a monkey?"
Christine and Laura: "Like a mummy."
Me: "Oh...I was gonna say, 'How can you wrap something up like a monkey? And don't you need rubber for that?' *Christine and Laura crack up; their friends wish to know what's going on; they tell their friends what I said; their friends just look at me a little confusedly*"
--Larisa: "Your locker smells like my grandma's facial cream."
Me: "That's not cool."
--"Like we did when we went to your master." --Mrs. Spalding
--"How many of you were born by 1969? None of you. *Brad C. raises his hand casually* Oh, you were not!" --Mrs. Spalding
--"Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was fucked-up." --Boy in Hall
--Adam: "What, are you afraid to stick your hand in my mouth? You weren't afraid to last night."
Anna: "What?"
Adam: "I don't know."
--"Othello's down with it. He's raisin' the roof." --Adam
--"Raise the roof!" --Adam, On the Melodramatic Actor Playing Othello in Some Bad BBC-esque Version of Othello's Constant Use of Unrelated Hand Motions
--"No! Don't listen to him, Othello!" --Mrs. Parmar (Gerri Black!), Yelling at the Television
--"*Othello hits Desdemona with a scroll, every male in the room cracks up* He hit her with paper. He hit her with paper!" --Adam
--Adam: "He put her in her place."
Johnny: "What'd he do?"
Adam: "He hit her with some paper."
--"Listen to her! Don't trust Iago!" --Mrs. Parmer (Gerri!), Still Yelling at the Television
--"'What is your pleasure?' *Adam smiles innocently and shrugs like he doesn't know where to begin*" --Desdemona
--"'I am on my knees, my lord.' *every male in the room cracks up (again)*" --Desdemona
--Othello: "'You are not a whore?'"
Adam: "Whore."
--"He called her a whore. *Adam snickers*" --Adam
--*boys laugh each time various characters use the word "whore"*
--"'Here I kneel.' *every male in the room continues to crack up*" --Desdemona
--"Hey, don't use my jacket to be mean to Stephanie!" --Emily
--Mr. Harris: "Do you have a TV? *looks around Mr. Carter's obviously unfurnished room*
Me: "Do you see a TV?"
--Amanda: "How are you supposed to keep the velocity the same, though?"
Mr. Carter: "That'd be hard."
Amanda: "Yeah..."
--Mr. Carter: "Are any of you finding anything strange on your graphs? That vary from these?"
Me: "Um, they look nothing alike. Hmm, is that strange?"
--Mr. Carter: "Baton-twirlers. *hums popular 4th-of-July music and twirls a baton absently*"
Brent: "Woah, that was good, Mr. Carter!"
--Mr. Carter: "sometimes, they balance things on their head and then it just compresses their backbone."
Me: "Ah, that's pleasant."
Sarah: "That doesn't sound very...safe."
--"You have to realize, when I was a guy--when I was a guy--like I'm not anymore..." --Mr. Carter
--Mr. Carter: "I have kind of a bizarre little lab. *Christy looks pained*"
Me: "This is not good."
--"Corn!" --Mark
--"I could knock that can off my head with a yo-yo." --Adam
--Mr. Carter: "Here's how you know the difference between a hard-boiled and a soft-boiled egg--anybody know how to?"
Trent: "Crack it, put it in a bowl."
--"'What's inertia?' 'Inertia!'" --Adam
--"Did you see that inertia? Did you? Did you?" --Adam
--"He's thinkin' about inertia. *laughs*" --Adam
--"Don't get mad, it's just inertia!" --Adam
--"Hey, man! Blood is thicker than physics!" --Adam
--"I did grade your tests earlier. That's why you heard my laughing." --Mr. York
--"*Cory (Eldridge) writes on the board* Eldridge got a 98% on his test. That's crackalackin' & bubbleatin'. YA DIG." --Cory
--"Why don't they just fight, like normal girls? Cat-fight!" --Me
--Boy in Hall: "*passing by as Mr. York is talking* YORK!"
Mr. York: "*glances toward door and waves casually, never missing a word, finishes explaining* So is that discrete or continuous? *no one responds, half of the students being asleep; Mr. Y ork suddenly grabs a desk, picks it up, and slams it against the ground repeatedly, shouting* Get excited!
--Breea: "*students pass the door, pause to whistle and cheer for Mr. York* Looks like you have some fans out there, Mr. York."
Mr. York: "I don't even know who those people are."
--Breea: "John, get out of the closet."
Mr. York: "He's been trying for years, but he just keeps going back."
--"*muffled shouting and banging is heard from somewhere in the room; the entire class looks around and finally notices that Breea seems to be missing and John S. is leaning heavily on the closet door; Mr. York attempts to hold back laughter as the muffled shouting and banging continues, growing louder; his face becomes red; finally* Oh, let her out of there." --Mr. York
--"What were you doing in there? No, don't tell us, we don't wanna know." --Mr. York
--Jamie J.: "Something really interesting happened last night. Mark was over and we were, like, hanging out in my room and we, like, didn't have sex or anything, we were just, like, making out and I, like, had an orgasm. Like, for no reason."
Me: "Uh...that'll happen..." ???
--Melissa C.: "I don't know, but you're a little loud."
Lianne: "Uh, I don't know, but you're a little tall. Or something."
--Ryan: "Everyone say, 'Praise the Lord, hallelujah!' *the class remains silent*"
Drew: "You'd better quit while you're ahead, Ryan."
Melissa C.: "He's never ahead."
--"He sounded so hopeful. And then you just shot him down." --Emily
--"I hate all of you, I'm going to class, now." --Me
--"Don't be comin' over here smellin' like tacos!" --April
--"That's flat evil." --Nathan S.
--"Stephanie, Dan has these pills that make you pay attention. I think you need to take some." --Adam
--"I'm sorry, Mr. York. I'm sorry I questioned John's sexuality." --Breea
--"It's not funny to laugh at school-building explosions!" --Cassie
--Mr. York: "*I turn in an assignment, Mr. York holds it up and looks confused* Wait a minute..."
Me: "What? *everyone looks up at the paper he's holding* What? *everyone looks back at me* What?!"
Mr. York: "I'm just kidding, there's nothing wrong with it."
--"He had a rough night." --Cassie, On the Deformed Bird We Colored in on a Math Fun Sheet
--"I remember when I was in your intro. to computer tech. class and I told that kid--Clayton Brown?--that my name was Jane and he believed me and he was like, 'Hey, Jane, your friend's at the door.'" --Me
--"The femur's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's connected to the...bone that sticks up your shin." --Jessica B.
--Ryan: "You got the pigtails to bring out the pig in your face!"
Drew: "Ooh, he be jonin'!"
Lianne: "Oh, yeah, you're a joker."
Ryan: "You're funny--funny-lookin'! Ooh! No comeback, no comeback! You say that and it's like...it's over."
--"I wouldn't even know how to begin to go about drawing an airplane." --Ryan
--Mlle Ross: "She sounds kind of whiney, doesn't she? 'Marie, Marie!'"
Ryan: "She sounds like she needs to get smacked!"
--"Man, French people are weak." --John
--"I was like, 'Hey, guys, check out Courtney over there, she's freezing.'" --Drew
--"What is the meaning of this?" --Krystal, Staring Blankly at a Row of Desks That Had Been Pushed Together
--Sr. Coudret: "Just say it in Spanish. 'Sebastian.'" That's Say-bah-stee-ahn in Spanish.
Jamie G.: "Same difference to me. I don't like the name, period. I always think of the crab."
--Sr. Coudret: "Focus on the story."
Jamie G.: "Tune into Don Quijote."
--"You just forgot to listen to me?" --Brad
--Amy: "That's mean."
Emily: "What's mean?"
Amy: "I don't know...I just said it."
--"I'm having Flittner-withdrawal. Could somebody, please, yell out something stupid every few minutes?" --Mr. York Andy [Flittner] is visiting Washington, D.C., for National Close-Up all this week.
--"'(C) A male president'--the way it should be--*enitre class shouts, the males with laughter, the females with protest*" --Mr. York
--Mr. York: "*Jessica N. moves up to the front of the classroom to take notes* Can't read my writing?"
Jessica N.: "I couldn't see back there."
Mr. York: "Oh. *pause* Better go to Eye-Mart. *begins writing on the board in extremely large numbers*"
--"*beginning to read a question* If I rank--*pauses and stares at the question's bad wording blankly* --Mr. York
--Who likes Skippy? Who likes Skippy peanut butter? Somebody in here has to like Skippy peanut butter!" --Jessica B.
--"That's a good question. 'Cause you never know when you're going to run into a he-she." --Ryan
--"*loudly and at random* He-she!" --Ryan
--Sr. Coudret: "Do you know what new CD I got that we should study to? First hour laughed at me, but I know you won't: Enya."
Me: "Hey, I listen to Enya! I have all her albums! Don't make fun of Enya!" Uh, no, I wasn't joking.
--Nancy on Win Ben Stein's Money: "What novel by Jane Austen features the title character with the last name 'Woodhouse'?"
Ben Stein: "Oh, shoot, I don't know! Uh, uh, Jane Eyre!" Uh, okay, Ben, that's by Charlotte Brönte, for one, and for another--oh, I won't even start.
--"There is a wasp in here and I'm pretty sure it didn't come in through the ceiling." --Jessica, Looking Pointedly at the Window She Wished Wasn't Open
--"Oh, I'm a 'newcomer.' I'm not a 'Gardiner ho.'" --Emily, On Sangeeta Being in the Biology Office with Mr. Gardiner So Often
--Sr. Coudret: "I have an idea for you: we have the rest of the period--why don't you do [the homework] now?"
Emily: "*under her breath* I have an idea for you: why don't you go to Hell?"
--"Crimes of jealousy are committed every day. We keep hearing stories of the jealous boyfriend who burnt his girlfriend's face with acid or the jealous wife who had her husband's secretary killed." --Vidula Chopra, "Dial 'J' for 'Jealous'" The title alone is a bad joke in itself.
--Mlle Ross: "'You want to go to the café?' 'No, I'm having a Coke.'"
Dan: "That's a good excuse."
--"A hotdog? No, no, no. I consider it...trash." --Lianne
--"Apparently, you have no idea what you're talking about." --Melissa C.
--"Shouldn't his pants be falling down? How does he keep his pants on?" --Sr. Coudret
--Lori: "*the class watches a tape of a class reenacting a scene from The Man of La Mancha; Dustin, as a foe of Don Quixote, is hit on the head--hard--with a broomstick* Ohhhhhhh! No wonder he was so...out-of-it today!"
Me: "Um...today?"
--Mr. Magee: "No grab-assin', now."
Dante: "Did you just say 'grab-assing'?"
Mr. Magee: "Yes, I did say 'grab-assing.' If you were in uniform, I'd make you drop and give me twenty."
--"Damn, I'm good!" --Mr. Magee
--"Okay, suppose Heather here says, 'I don't know what the hell I'm doing.'" --Mr. Magee
--Mlle Ross: "Let's say Remí and...Michele are at the café--"
Lianne: "Yeah, right."
--"Yo, Jessica, why don't you use your magic lip skills and make that heater noise go away?" --Ryan
--"Comment dit-on 'ghetto social worker' en français?" --Lianne Translation: "How do you say 'ghetto social worker' in French?"
--"'...[Y] amigo de la caza.' He chased. He chases his friend. He hunts his friend!" --Brad Translation: "...[A]nd [he was] a friend of the hunt."
--Sr. Coudret: "You don't remember that song? No one in here knows that song? You will soon."
Emily: "Uh, I don't like the sound of that."
--"'You like apples? Especially on vacation?'" --Emily
--Sr. Coudret: "Yo tengo pensamientos extraños." Translation: "I have strange thoughts."
Lauren: "*a little worriedly* Mmm..."
Sr. Coudret: "¿Y Ustedes?" Translation: "And you all?"
Lauren: "Um, no."
--"*Mike turns to Chris at random* Are you still thinking about me?" --Mike
--"Are we gonna torque some more today?" --Corey M.
--Mr. York: "With one child, you have two possible outcomes, a girl or a boy.
Andy: "What if it's a hermaphrodite?"
Mr. York: "*before Andy is even finished* I knew you were gonna say that!"
--"You're drunk? Referral for not sharing!" --Mr. York
--Mr. York: "Andy got grounded, his mom caught him permutating at home." --Mr. York
Andy: "Permutating? What is permutating?"
--"Remember: it's not polite to permutate in public." --Mr. York
--"Look, it's my Vincent Fey Monkey of the Week!" --Amante
--"Jocasta?--Jo' mama!" --College Guy with No Talent in Shakespeare Video
--"Sure, this is a tragedy--but why do we care?" --Girl with No Talent in Shakespeare Video
--"It's just like that song. 'When You're Hungry, Love Will Keep You Alive.'" --Andy
--Andy: "It smells like alcohol in here, Mr. York, I'm serious."
Mr. York: "Oh, I should use a breath mint."
Andy: "It smells like my grandmother's basement."
Mr. York: "*cracks up* I'm not going to ask what you were doing your grandmother's basement, but moving on..."
--Tyler: "I don't get...where you're going."
Mr. York: "I don't, either. Life's pointless."
--"One die is rolled. All this talk about rolling makes me want to go have a smoke. No, just kidding, I don't even smoke." --Mr. York
--"I don't plan that far ahead. If I die of a heart attack later today, I will have done all that thinking for nothing." --Mr. York
--"*takes a bite of cake* Mmm...I'm so happy." --Reporting in Video about Mardi Gras
--"I'd go to Mardi Gras and be like, 'Hey, give me some beads.' *lifting up his shirt* --Ryan
--"I think every day should be Mardi Gras." --Jessica
--"I wasn't paying attention. I'm dreaming about molasses." --Melissa C.
--"SPAYING AND NEUTERING ADVANTAGES: Reproductive Cancers" --On "Newswatch Sunrise," WFIE 14's Morning News Program
--"Those silly English people. Driving on the wrong side of the road, putting doorknobs in the wrong place." --Me
--"*suddenly pushes over a bowling pin in a demonstration* So I can torque that. *class appreciates his 'torquing' of said pin; he sets it up and does it again* I can torque it." --Mr. Carter
--"'Torque on a Cat-Flap Door.' *cracks up* 'Torque on a Cat-Flap Door'?!" --Adam
--"This guy's not tethered to the Shuttle. They dont' do that very often, because if that guy floats away, that's gonna be expensive." --Mr. Carter
--"He's a big ol' he-male boar!" --Mr. Carter
--"It puts teh center of gravity above my feet and I torque!" --Mr. Carter
--"His center of gravity is above his feet and he's torquin' into the wall!" --Mr. Carter
--Brian: "Guess what I did Saturday night? Guess, just guess! It was wild! You'll never guess!"
Matt: "Was it with Ai?"
Brian: "It was with an ACT practice test. That's right. Just me and the test." Ai, by the way, is Brian's girlfriend.
--Andy: "What if it's an El Camino?"
Mr. York: "*looking pointedly at Andy* What if it's a Woody with a flat tire?"
Andy: "My Woody doesn't have a flat tire."
Mr. York: "Wait until you get out into the parking lot."
--"If a copuole plans to have 8 children (it happens), how many different gender sequences are possible? --Statistics Textbook
--"What are we doing tomorrow? We're not going to work?" --Courtney
--"What would happen if you were, li8ke, eating the cake and you bit into the baby and you, like, broke it?" --DAn
--"Couldn't, like, those cups hurt somebody?" --Melissa C.
--John: "*King cake baby flies through the air from across the room, John scrambles by, half on his knees, frantically searching* Where's the baby? Where's the baby? Where'd the baby go? *spots it on the floor, dives for it* Baby!"
Drew: "It's baby's day out."
--Peter O'Toole as Don Quixote: "Who is it?"
Some Other Guy as Some Other Guy Sharing the Scene with Peter O'Toole: "That slut from the inn."
Sr. Coudret: "I love that line. *with an English accent* 'That slut from the inn.'"
--"I bought this...at a store somewhere..." --Mr. Carter
--"That's real nice. Made in the United States, contains erroneous information." --Mr. Carter
--"'I don't think Grandma likes me!'" --Mr. Carter
--"Bad yo-yo! Baaaaaad yo-yo!" --Mr. Carter
--"*Mr. Carter kicks Keith's backpack, which he isn't supposed to have in class, slowly and deliberately into the hallway in the middle of class, Mark turns to Keith* Ouch. That's gotta hurt, man." --Mark
--Mark: "Why were you driving barefoot?"
Mr. Carter: "No, with no socks on. I had shoes on. They won't let you in anywhere without shoes on."
--"You know, they never say anything about pants being required in stores." --Mark
--Mr. Carter: "These are cheap, they're made in China."
Brooklyn: "Hey, I used to have one of those! When I was little!"
Corey M.: "*sympathetically* Sorry."
Amanda: "My grandma lets my mother go shopping for me, then she just gives her the things to give to me."
Mark: "You still get toys?"
Me: "Leather restraints. She gets masochistic toys. 'Aww, thanks, Grandma!'"
--"Mr. Carter: "I have one of these at home, it has LED's on it."
Mark: "LED's? Whaaaat? Whoooo?"
--Mr. Carter: "*singing* 'It's a small world after all...'"
Adam: "That was the scariest moment of my life."
Andy: "Mr. York, will you sign this thing so I can be gone from school for a week?"
Mr. York: "*snatches the form from Andy and whips out a pen in record time* Only a week?!"
--Andy: "We got some igmoes up in here."
Breea: "You're talking about yourself! *laughs as though she's said something clever, instead of acting even more ditzy than usual*"
--Melissa: "Your mother!"
Laura: "Oh, yeah? Well--well--I pissed on your pillow this morning!"
--"Laura was born on a waterslide in Guatemala." --Me
--"Where's my Twinkie?" --Drew
--"La Twoin-kay es dun-ay." --Drew
--Dan: "Dude. You little freak."
Ryan: "*What?!"
--Drew: "Don't test me!"
Arianne: "I'll test you if I want to!"
--"Get in tough with your Afro puff." --Drew
--Lori: "Hola, Jorge." Translation: "Hello, Brad."
Brad: "Hola. ¿Como estás?" Translation: "Hello. How are you?"
Lori: "Bien. ¿Y tú?" Translation: "Good. And you?"
Brad: "Pretty good."
--"That's like saying, 'My imaginary friend has a kid,' people are gonna look at you kind of weird." --Brad
--"If I had one hand and a hook, I wouldn't try to get with her." --Isaac
--"He's like, 'I have a wooden arm,' and he expects her to want him!" --Isaac
--"Okay, how many times did they say 'ass' in the book? And how many of you giggled every time youc ame across it? 'Ass'! 'Ass,' 'ass,' 'ass,' 'ass,' 'ass.'" --Mrs. Berry
--Mr. York: "You have 20 women--"
Tyler: "All right!"
--"Yes. My calculator is all-knowing." --Andy
--"Pu on an Ellen DeGeneres mask and start beating her." --Laura
--"Sulfuric acid rules!" --Ryan
--"Have you ever heard a Chinese guy try to speak French? That'd be amazing." --Drew
--"Tuesdays are Molest-a-Freshman Day!" --Kevin C.
--"*Adam writes in the textbook so Petrarch's "Sonnet 42" reads* The swallow titters, the Adam groves of midnight are glowing..." --Literature Textbook His last name is Groves. Yyyyeah.
--Mrs. Berry: "Deca. Decameron. Ten. Get it?"
Craig G.: "Ah..."
--Mr. Carter: "The RADS here--"
Brent: "Could you please say 'radians'?"
--Trent: "It smells like Fruit Loops in here."
Adam: "Follow your nose!"
--"Okay, Evil Scientist is trying to kill Spiderman." --Mr. Carter, On A Demonstration
--Brooklyn: "*referring to the evil scientist and Spiderman, who are on a small turntable* What happens if they go really fast?"
Mr. Carter: "What happens if they go really fast? What do you think happens?"
Adam: "*to Brooklyn* You get hit in the eye with one of the pieces and we all laugh at you?"
--Andy: "'Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaa Las Vegas'--"
Mr. York: "Don't sing, just listen."
--"Okay, Andy, go to sleep, I'm trying to teach new stuff." --Mr. York
--"...[Y]ou have just entered a friendly neighborhood game of craps..." --Statistics Textbook
--"They're depriving them of food because they didn't do their homework." --Ryan
--"Mountain see, Mountain Dew." --Ryan
--"O--eau--water!" --Lianne
Eau, pronounced oh, is the French word for water.
--Mlle Ross: "In Europe, they treat alcohol a bit differently than here."
Ryan: "They let it flow."
--Drew: "It's like a McMuffin!"
Melissa C.: "Only not."
--"Wooooooah, elle as faim!" --Mlle Ross Translation: "Wooooooah, she is hungry!"
--"That's a good question. That's a good 'Daily Show' question." --Adam
--"'Oh, what happened to you?' 'I was attacked by a monkey.'" --Me
--"Speaking of men with no faces--" --Andy
--"It was a surprise attack monkey!" --Andy
--"What's the probability that it's the mailman's child? I don't know." --Mr. York
--"They took Seldane, that's an anthihystemine, I used to take it. It didn't do anything for me, I couldn't get high or anything." --Mr. York
--Arianne: "*Ryan taps his feet in loud, annoying rhythm* Ryan, please, stop tapping your feet."
Ryan: "*Ryan stops* You tell me to stop that every day."
Arianne: "That's because you do it every day. And nothing gets on my nerves more. *Ryan considers for a moment, then begins to whine in a single, shrill note*
Lianne: "*glancing around* Shut up! *Ryan stops abruptly*"
--Mlle Ross: "We're gonna go from death to food."
Melissa C.: "Hey, I like food!"
Mlle Ross: "Well, that's good, you'd die without it..."
--"That's not cool. They're gonna have to wash dishes." --Melissa C.
--Melissa C.: "In your face!"
Lianne: "In my fish?"
--"Dear Stephanie: While my name may not be familiar to you, I hope that something I invented is -- Spalding's Top-Flite® gold ball. So why would the inventor of a golf ball be writing you? Quite simply, because we may share something in common -- an interest in Tri-State University." --Laughable College Mail from Robert Molitor, Vice-President of Research and Development at Spalding Sports Worldwide and Graduate of Tri-State University in Fort Wayne, IN
--"I talk to my wife about anything that has to do with money. I've been married for 26 years and that's the reason why." --Dad
--Adam: "*whispering to Anna, whom I sit beside, as though I can't hear him conspiring* Anna, we should give Stephanie some LSD!"
Anna: "Woooooah! That would be crazy."
--"Yo' Mama's Last Supper." --Mr. York
--Jamie: "I have seen two pornos. It was by accident! One time, I was at my boyfriend's house and we wanted to watch a movie, so we got a few from downstairs that his mom had recorded and one of them was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so we put it in and push play and a porno comes up. We laughed our asses off."
Jenny: "And you couldn't have just...turned it back off and put in an actual movie?"
Jamie: "*stammering* We--we were just making fun of it...it was so stupid!"
Melissa: "Yeah, right, Jamie, you know you enjoyed it."
--"You don't watch pornos for the acting." --Jenny
--"On Tuesday, we're going to watch a movie about the scary part of Paris. *waits for class to respond to this; everyone just starts talking to their friends*" --Mlle Ross
--"Cheech and Chong: Up in Spanish - Part VII! *gives Dan W. a high-five*" --Isaac
--"My nose is all runny. I took so many nasal decongestants. It ain't right." --Girl in Hall
--"We deleted those marinas' records. Those marinas are no longer with us." --Mrs. Spalding
--"He's, like, having this major pity party." --Mrs. Berry
--"Stephanie and I should hang out more often, we're the two coolest people in our family. *I laugh* What are you laughing about? I'm serious. We are the only two cool people in our family." --Adam, Who Is, Coincidentally, My Cousin
--"*someone sneezes, the teacher speaks softly* Bless you, my child. *starts hacking up something in his throat*" --Mr. I. Harris
--"And this relates to physics how?" --Adam
--Corey: "What's all this 'inverse square' stuff?"
Mark H.: "It's your mother!"
Corey: "Oh, shut up!"
Mark H.: "Well, it is!"
--Mr. Carter: "And the chair that Newton held, Stephen Hawking holds that chair, now. *pause* If you know who Stephen Hawking is. He has that chair now. *another pause* And when I say 'chair,' I mean 'position.' *everyone understands what he means, he continues to explain, though* They had the same position, not the same physical, literal chair."
Me: "*playing dumb* A wheelchair? Motorized?"
--"There you go, Steph, mail your [physics] notes to Nathan." --Sarah, After Mr. Carter Suggests That Physics Is Somehow Romantic
--"No freakin' duh!" --Mark H.
--"I heard that Central got smacked like a monkey." --Andy
--"Miss Ross, is it just a coincidence that he said, 'Oh, f--sh--!'?" --Ryan, On a Stumbling Actor in a French Video
--Me: "*Mlle Ross opens the gradesheet on the computer, highlights my grade, laughs, making me nervous* I can't see it from here..."
Mlle Ross: "It's a 104.9 percent."
--"You'll have to eat Spanish rice or something. With your caballo." --Lori, On the Food on This Year's Trip to Spain, Thanks to the Mad Cow Disease Scare in Europe "Caballo" translates to "horse," a popular dish in Spain.
--Girl: "*trying to show us how blind she is without her contacts* See those traffic lights up there? I can't see them."
Katie B.: "I can't, either. They're covered in fog."
--"President's Day is cool. More presidents should die." --Brad C.
--"I am not going to fly in a cropduster over the ocean." --Dan W.
--"I'm tryin' to sleep back here, shut your damn mouth." --Guy Who Always Sleeps through Statistics
--Andy: "Hey, I won the lottery once."
Mr. York: "Really?"
Andy: "Yeah, five dollars. Yeah, that's right, bite me."
--"*Tyler attempts to imitate a horse, but bleats instead* That was not a horse, that was a goat. *laughing at the thought* Goat-racing." --Christy
--"We bet on the same horse the next time and the jockey fell off." --Mr. York
--Andy: "The odds are, I'm not going to do [the assignment]."
Mr. York: "The probability of you passing this class is slowly falling."
--Lianne, Attempting to Flaunt Her "Superior Intellect": "Je ne peux pas." Translation: "I can't."
Ryan, Not Impressed: "Je ne shut up."
--"*after Jessica M. draws "cute" little pictures all over the board along with the answer to a French question* Can I erase that when she's done? It would give me so much joy." --Melissa C.
--"J'aime beaucoup faire des photos. I really like to make photos. I really do. Really, really." --Jessica B.
--"Hello, my name is Gesika." --Jessica M.'s Sign
--"*written on back of Valentine card for English* Homemade: The card that says, 'I love you, baby, I just don't have the money!'" --Me
--"That's called stealing toilet paper from where you work." --Heather H.
--"*Mark gives Mr. Carter candy* Your hands are all sticky. *pause* Ewwwww! *puts the candy back on Mark's desk*" --Mr. Carter
--Mr. Carter: "I'm trying to do my job, here!"
Adam: "*in high, Beck-like "soul" voice, to tune of "Miss Jackson"* Sorry, Mr. Carter--I am for reeeeeal."
--Mr. Carter: "I'm trying to do my job, here, and you guys are babbling!"
Adam: "*in same manner* Sorry."
--Sarah: "Christy! Do you have any idea what we're doing? I have no idea what we're doing. I am completely lost."
Christy: "*referring to "motivational speaker" (or something) that we had in econ class who was mean and grouchy* Me, too. I just learned that I'm gong to be living on food stamps for five years."
Sarah: "*playing along* Me, too! I'm going to live in a cardboard box! But it's gonna be two-story!"
Christy: "We should buy a van and just drive around together."
--"I wanna float out into space. That would be an experience." --Adam
--"*almost thoughtfully* I've never been in a black hole." --Adam
--"*referring to a drawing on the board* How is it that the black hole is sucking that star there in, but that little astronaut is okay?" --Trent
--Becky: "But how do you know when the event horizon is reached?"
Mark H.: "When you get pulled apart."
--Sr. Coudret: "Mi fantasia del Día de San Valentin es...dormir." Translation: "My fantasy for St. Valentine's Day is...to sleep."
Me: "¿Con quién?" Translation: "With whom?" Thankfully, he didn't hear me. And answer.
--Sr. Coudret: "¡Mi madre es superfantastica!" Translation: "My mother is superfantastic!"
Emily and Lauren: "Superfantastica?"
Emily: "*dubiously* Is that a real word or did you just make it up?"
--Sr. Coudret: "¿Listo?" Translation: "Ready?"
Emily: "*absent-mindedly* Lista para what?"
--Girl: "*panicking over how to shut her umbrella* How do you close this thing?"
Chad B.: "You have to be smarter than the umbrella."
--"*a distant voice in what I thought was an empty hallway* Your name is Stephanie, right? *I glance around, spot him at the other end of the hall, wave* Yes! I remembered! *another boy enters the hall, between Amante and I* I think I finally have your name down! *boy gives Amante a confused look, looks around as if he's half-expecting to find someone filming him*" --Amante
--"Hey, hey, hey! Your mama doesn't live here!" --Mrs. Berry, When Someone Throws Trash on the Ground
--"Star Wars isn't a sci-fi movie, it's a cowboy-action film." --Adam Yessssuh.
--"Can I have a slice of paper?" --Adam
--Melissa C.: "It's cold outside. It's called winter. Why are you wearing shorts?"
Ryan: "*suddenly shouting* "It's called being flamboyant!"
--Jessica M.: "I didn't have time to study."
Ryan: "That's funny, I did."
Jessica M.: "That's funny, I didn't."
Ryan: "That's funny, your mom is ugly."
--I guess that's ironic..." --Me, On the "Surprise" Ending to a "Tales from the Darkside" Episode
--"I found the 'Find' button!" --Brad C.
--"This CD has issues." --Ray, On My Homemade Depeche Mode B-sides CD
--"I guess it's lost itself." --Mrs. Berry, On the Above, When "Only When I Lose Myself" Refused to Play
--"Oh, has it found itself?" --Mrs. Berry, On the Above, When the CD Suddenly Began to Play, Finally
--"I wanna marry that man." --April G., On A Country Singer
--"*opens the newspaper and sees an entire page devoted to school pictures of children* Did those kids die or something?! Oh, they're the top spellers." --John B.
--Andy: "There's one crappy calculator left!"
Breea: "It goes to a crappy person! Ooh!"
--Andy: "Are you guys idiots?"
Mr. York: "No, they're not related to you."
--Andy: "I have to leave in 28 minutes!"
Mr. York: "*sudden and loud* Let's go real fast!"
--"*with generic south-east Asian accent* I no understand what we do. I from Thailand." --John
--"I bet if you yell at her really, really loud, she'll get mad." --Drew, On Courtney, Who's Almost Always Mad
--"*with same generic accent* I no understand what to do. I no speak French. I from South Thai!" --Drew
--"I have a higher grade than you, so shut up!" --Arianne
--Arianne, Angry at John: "I'm getting ready to punch him."
John: "Oh, do it."
--"Quit tryin' to be on her side, now, John." --Ryan, On John Suddenly Being Nice to Arianne
--Courtney: "I'm not afraid to hit you, I don't have my citizenship anymore."
John: "Ooooooh, then do it!"
--"*Drew hits John on the face with a textbook* Hit me! *Drew hits him again* Do it again! *Drew does* Again! *Drew does* Again! *Drew hits him again, then drops the book in John's lap and sits down calmly* --John
--"I say John takes his Ridelin and then everything will be all right." --Drew
--John: "Well, you know what? You're a teacher-humper!"
Drew: "A tea-dropper?"
John: "*cracks up, can barely talk through his laughter* No..."
Dre: "What are you talking about?"
John: "*gasping through laughter* Miss Ross, I need to get a drink!"
--"The funniest thing is watching everyone come out of choir." --Drew
--Mr. Carter: "I set a school record."
Mark: "Really?"
Mr. Carter: "Yeah, most yards lost during one play."
--Mlle Ross: "When you say, 'on,' you could mean 'Sara, Rémi, et Joëlle.'"
Ryan: "Hell, no!" 'On' is a French word for 'we'. My French name is Sara, Ryan's is Rémi, and Melissa C.'s is Joëlle.
--Ryan: "Shut up!"
Melissa C.: "I was agreeing!"
Ryan: "Oh, okay. Sorry."
--"Somebody smells like Laffy-Taffy." --Jessica
--"I'm cold, but my face is hot. Feel me. Feel my face." --Lianne
--"If this is torture, chain me to the wall!" --Isaac
--"*Sr. Coudret is reading a Spanish love poem that a student wrote; Lauren comes in late; the teacher glances around at her casually* O, Lauren, 'Tu boca--' *Lauren whimpers frightenedly*" --Sr. Coudret "Tu boca" is "your mouth" in Spanish.
--"Kurt Vonnegut is the bomb." --Kevin
--Mrs. Lawrence: "Rickie, are you being obnoxious?"
Rickie: "Yes."
--"I have a weird 'fun' concept." --Mrs. Berry
--"Hell-oo-oo? I'm tryin' to love you guys, here!" --Mrs. Berry
--"You might say something like, 'This song reminds me of my grandmother's funeral.'" --Mrs. Berry
--Mrs. Berry: "What's the opposite of greedy?"
Ryan N.: "Ungreedy!"
--"'It is well-known that love is always increasing or decreasing.' Duh." --Mrs. Berry
--"She's a lot of fun, but you can't take her home to Mama." --Mrs. Berry
--"'Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.' Ooh, that's a good one!" --Mrs. Berry
--Mrs. Berry: "It's hard to find a man with a good character."
Adam: "Hey, I'm over here!"
--"I wish I could share them with you. I'd lose my job, but they're hilarious." --Mrs. Berry, On Male-Bashing Jokes She Received in an Email
--"Sounds a little kinky, but..." --Mrs. Berry
--"Just wait until you have sex and she finds out you have a small dick. I'm off to bigger and better things." --Larisa, On What She Would Say to Her Boyfriend If They Broke up and He Started Going out with Another Girl
--"Ah, I'm stupid. I knew I shouldn't have smoked that stuff at lunch." --Mr. York
--Dan: "Birth control...are you on the Pill?"
Ryan: "Uhhhhhh, no..."
--"One-foot voice, please." --Ryan
--Girls, thank you for using your 12-inch voice." --Ryan
--"Je m'appelle Shaniqua." --Ryan
--"Mucho malo..." --Brad Translation: "A lot of bad..."
--"Me gusta bien porque soy aquí." --Mike Translation: "I like a lot because [wrong form of] I'm here."
--"Soy muerto." --Isaac Translation: "I'm dead."
--"No air-guitar. Or air-banjo or whatever." --Lauren
--"I need, like, a new sinus system." --Lauren
--Mike: "I call it, 'Hagamos el Amor.' Do you know what that means, Emily?"
Emily: "No..."
Mike: "It means--'We Make Love.'"
Isaac: "Mike! You pre-vert!"
--"Mr. Coudret: Pimpin' Ain't Easy, But Somebody's Gotta Do It! --Mr. E" --Written on the Board in Sr. Coudret's Room
--"I called into the school radio station and they were likie, 'Yeah?' and I was like, 'I heard the kiss sound,' and they were like, 'Okay, what's your pick-up line?' and I said, 'Yeah...my mom just dropped me off.' They didn't say anything, just kind of sat there." --Adam, On the School Radio Station's Valentine's Day Best Pick-Up Line Contest
--Standard deviation rocks!" --Brian
--"Scholarships are for people who don't have 'Tubby-Mobile' on the back of their car." --Andy
--Mr. York: "89[%] of the people [in the world are] heterosexual, leaving the other 11% to be--*shrugs*
Me: "Shaky."
--Mr. York: "[Many] people in the world can't read."
Andy: "Let's send them letters. *cracks up*"
--"Do you reject H0?" --Statistics Textbook
--"Fail to reject H0." --Statistics Textbook
--"Brian, you're more confused than I am. And that's sad." --Mr. York
--"What happened to all my good chalk? Did somebody smoke it?" --Mr. York
--"We'll try not to lose this one, I'll smoke it later." --Mr. York, After a Student Turns in a Paper
--Mr. Russell (The Teacher): "The only way he's going to pass that test is if he eats it."
Mrs. Berry: "*laughs hysterically, then says calmly* I have never heard that before. That is so funny."
--Mrs. Berry: "Sucks to be you."
Preston: "Ouch."
--"Mrs. Hahn! Get Brotha' Man here off me!" --Tenia
--"A local elementary school boy was suspended from school after pointing a breaded chicken finger at a teacher and saying, "Pow pow pow." Assault with a dead weapon, I guess." --Mr. York
--"I don't know what I'm doing, you should know that." --Mr. York
--"I have this disease that makes me shout, 'Solid milk chocolate!' at random." --Melissa
--"*after he repeatedly attempts to write on the front of my folder, I toss him my open notebook so he can write on one of the pages inside* 'I will love you forever' --Some Hot Chick with a Nice Booty.'" --Ryan
--John: "What is wrong with that kid? 'Yes! We're gonna do work!"
Lianne: "Not work! Word searches are fun!"
Mlle Ross: "Oui."
Lianne: "That's right. Oui."
--"We're, like, awed by her pants." --Lauren, On Amy's Huge Pants
--April: "I'll choke your little chicken ass!"
Brad: "*pretends to cry for at least a minute and a half before sittint up casually* Oh, okay."
--Boy 1: "I know Coronas are real cheap down there."
Boy 2: "Yeah, 'cause it's, like, Mexican beer."
--Mrs. Berry: "So if you have gap teeth, you have an amorous nature. *class looks confused* You're a lover. *class still looks confused*"
Nick: "Like Madonna! *class finally understands*"
--"I think she killed her first three sexually." --Mrs. Berry, On the Wife of Bath and Her First Three Husbands
--Mrs. Berry: "'By very force, he took her maidenhead.' What has the knight down to her?"
Ryan: "Cut off her head?"
Mrs. Berry: "Is this story typical of the Wife of Bath?"
Class: "Yes."
Mrs. Berry: "Yes there has to be some boot-knockin' goin' on."
--"I'd smack her down quick." --Dan, On the Wife of Bath
--"Stop! You hit my horney spot!" --LaShante
--"Ill-gotten booty." --Mr. York
--"You don't want to eat at a place where you feel sorry for the workers." --Christy
--"Get Leied by me." --Sangeeta, Selling Leis
--Mike: "Uh...can I say this in English?"
Sr. Coudret: "No."
Mike: "Okay."
--Sr. Coudret: "¿Quién más? ¿Brandi?"
Brandi: "*looks back and forth at the other students with wide eyes; finally* Me?!"
Sr. Coudret: "Yeah."
--"Emmy: "You non-bra-wearing hippie!"
Me: "Hey, give me a break, I'm wearing a tanktop!"
--"I was just totally surprised that you had a comment." --Mr. York, On Andy
--Andy: "*on a young local prisoner who was found unconscious in his cell* He got raped."
Mr. York: "Had you just visited him?"
--Mr. York: "Long-term breastfeeding cuts chance of cancer."
Andy: "Didn't a woan just get in trouble for 'long-term breastfeeding'?"
Mr. York: "Yes. The kid was five."
--Andy: "*on some odd local theft story* It was a Camera, a Lexus, and a--what else?"
Mr. York: "I think it was a station wagon."
Andy: "A woody?"
Mr. York: "*trying not to smile* Let's not talk about those."
Andy: "No, seriously, because I haven't seen my car in, like, three days. My woody is missing. It's kind of easy to lose, when you leave the keys in the ignition and all."
--"If you go to Dairy Queen and buy something and say, 'Oh, I don't have any money, but I have a cow,' and they take it and then it turns out the cow has mad cow disease, the people who took it can't hunt you down and say, '--Woah!'" --Andy
--"*after I drop my statistic book on my hip* Owwwww...if that was heavier, that might have hurt." --Me
--Mr. York: "It's very time-consuming."
Andy: "You mean, it's a waste of time."
--"By the way, the Hawaiian pig roast for after school was canceled. My mother-in-law escaped." --Mr. York
--"Calculating on a calculator--isn't that redundant?" --Andy
--Mr. York: "*writes on the board* This is your homework."
Andy: *sounds incredulous* Homework?!"
Tyler: "*shrieks like an angry demon* Baaaah!"
Mr. York: "*doesn't miss a beat* Humbug."
--"Quebecois--I hate that word, I don't know why I said it." --Mlle Ross
--Arianne: "I was exaggerating. Being sarcastic. Being..."
Drew: "Facetious?"
--Sr. Coudret: "¿Tu padre se graduó en mil noveciento...setentaeuno? ¿Setentaedos?" Translation: "Your father graduated in 19...71? '72?"
Emily: "Oh, en setentaedos." Translation: "Oh, in '72."
Chris: "Emily, your dad is 72?!"
--"I don't think I've ever heard a teacher say 'sex' so many times." --Adam
--Mrs. Berry: "So why do you think we did this?"
Adam: "To hear the teacher say 'sex.'"
Mrs. Berry's Question: "What do men want from women?"
An Annonymous Male's Response: "Men want more than one woman."
--Mrs. Berry: "Man, you guys are really into 'good, home-cookin'.'"
Adam: "Soooul Fooood."
--"*heading a paper when required to be in a group with at least two other people, which I wasn't* Stephanie M. Coin, Someone Else, Another Person." --Me
--David: "So if you're in an SUV and it flips over, you won't die..."
Mrs. Hahn: "That's reassuring."
--"What if Disney bough Time Warner? They could, like, take over the world." --David
--"I'm always hearin' about the J.C. Penny's 24-Hour Sale." --David
--"Dude, I wanna sleep with that dude. If he'll pay me $10,000 a month." --David, On Jesse Jackson
--Mark: *whilst watching magnets force one another to swing back and forth on a bar because of their polar differences* That's making me sick."
Mr. Carter: "*snickers* There's a place that I could have gone with that. You should be glad I didn't."
--Mr. Carter: "What's the difference between a rollerskate and a truck?"
Mark: "The truck is bigger!"
Me: "Uh..."
--"A rollerskate, you might not mind hitting you, but a truck? You don't want a truck hitting you. I think you'll pass on that one." --Mr. Carter
--"You wouldn't believe how far the waterballoons will fly with that stuff--oh, I shouldn't be telling you guys about this." --Mr. Carter
--"You're not going to talk about being tied up again, are you?" --Mr. Carter
--"'Whop'? Is that was that says? 'Whop!'" --Abigail
--"Oh, come on, this is easy. Albert Einstein didn't have a problem with it. You look more like Alberta Einstein. *no one laughs* Oh, the hilarious jokes just keep coming." --Mr. York
--"I bet you get a lot of money if you die during a study." --Andy
--Andy: "Man, if someone wanted to take away my right hand for $20 million, I'd let 'em."
Tyler: "But, Andy, what would you do without your right hand?"
--Andy: "Hold on, I can't see them."
Mr. York: "Heal this child, O, Lord. Can you see them now?"
--"Man, all of this talk about bars is making me thirsty." --Mr. York
--Andy: "What do you mean, they have to touch each other?"
Mr. York: "*in soft, seductive (ha) voice* Yes, we want to touch."
--"I can't read. I was in kindergarten for three years." --Mr. York
--John: "That wasn't very nice."
Jessica: "I don't think it was meant to be."
--"Your legs are lookin' good--when do they open?" --John
--Spanish Song, "El Limite" ("The Limit"), Which Is about Everlasting Friendship: "*in the midst of sentimental, nostalgiac lyrics* Leimos juntos libros prohibidos..." Translation: *more or less* We read dirty magazines together..."
Emily: "That's so horrible! That's like, 'We sold crack in the alley...'"
--"We haven't seen each other since 197'...197'...no, 1993." --Sr. Coudret
--Mrs. Berry: "What does that mean, 'I judge he was a gelding, or a mare'?"
Craig G.: "He's gay."
--Mrs. Berry: "So what happens? Does anyone remember? Craig, do you remember?"
Craig G.: "*shrugs* They kill the youngest guy and then they drink the wine and they die and everyone's dead."
--"So you get to spank your peers in class." --Mr. Magee
--Mr. Magee: "Yeah, that might be fine and dandy when you're spaced out on opium . . . . but those of us in the real world realize that someone out there is gonna wanna spank everybody else."
Christy: "What is this guy's obsession with spanking?"
--"Exactly--d'y'all hear that?" --Mr. Magee
--"It's my story, I get to tell it, so there." --Mr. Magee
--"This fry is too controversial." --Matt Schoenberg, president of Sydran Services Inc., as quoted in The Wall Street Journal, 16 January 2001
--Economics is very simple--it's based on greed." --Mr. Magee
--"Thinking back to Hitler times..." --Mr. York
--Andy: "That just goes to show that Democrats are all...pshaw..."
Me: "Bush just goes to show that Republicans are all drunks. Yeah, real intelligent, Andy."
--Mr. York: "Give me statistics or give me death!"
Brandon: "Give me death!"
--"She was talking about her spread. *snickers*" --Emmy
--Mrs. Hahn: "Feel free to take one--borrow one, bring it back."
Ross: "Or she'll break your legs."
Mrs. Hahn: "Yeah!"
"*after Mr. Carter complains that he's hot and demands that we open the classroom windows, even though we're cold and it's freezing outside; Larisa appears inattentive, but suddenly looks up* Wear a T-shirt, faggot." --Larisa
--Amy: "I'll name it...Melissa...Stephanie...Stephanie Melissa...ummm..."
Ralph: "Stephanie Melissa Ralph."
Ralph: "So, what ever happened to Jimmy?"
Me: "He ran off after he impregnated Amy. That bastard."
--Sr. Coudret: "Tocar--to play or to touch."
Mike: "To play!"
--"Manejo mi carro; manejé mi carro ayer; manejaba mi carro...¿cuando era una niña? Okay, not really..." --Me Translation: I drive my car; I drove my car yesterday; I used to drive my car...when I was a child?"
--"Advertí mi mamá soy peligroso ayer." --Brad G. Translation: "I warned my mother I am dangerous yesterday."
--"Llevaba...how do you say 'tight-rolled jeans'? I don't know what I used to wear!" --Lori N. "Llevaba" is the Spanish word for "I used to wear."
--"Advierto mi mamá sobre mi; advertí mi perro sobre...mi." --Isaac Translation: "I warn my mother about me; I warned my dog about...me."
--Adam: "You haven't been killing any more people lately, have you, Kirk?"
Kirk: "Not too many people, Adam. But you're the next."
Adam: "Am I? Then you shouldn't have told me!"
--Mr. Carter: "Yes, air resistance is acting on the ball and what else?"
Girl and Corey M.: "Gravity."
Mr. Carter: "So what's going to happen to the ball as it goes up?"
Corey M.: "Gravity."
Mr. Carter: "It's going to lose some of its--gravity?!"
--"*as Amy and I pass Elizabeth, with an extremely dark, extremely unnatural tan in the hall* It's Fake 'n' Bake--an' I helped!" --Amy
--"After school today, you can go down to Taco Hell and buy some tacos." --Mrs. Hahn
--Mrs. Hahn: "Did you guys see the Inaugaration on Saturday?"
Dante: "It was gay."
Mrs. Hahn: "It was not!"
Dante: "Ralph Nader should have won!"
--Andy: "You're wearing an ugly sock hat, get over yourself."
Cassie: "You're wearing a McDonald's shirt! Come on!"
Andy: "*still on Cassie's hat* It's detracting from the educational process."
Katie F.: "You're detracting from the educational process."
--Mr. York: "*Emmy walks in a few moments after the bell has rung* You're late."
Emmy: "I know."
Me: "Good call, Mr. York."
--Andy: "Tyler? Do you like girls?"
Tyler: "Yes."
Andy: "Oh, okay. I was just checking."
Tyler: "Why? I'm not interested in you, Andy."
--Corey: "Hey, Andy, Tyler said that he likes girls, but he prefers your mom."
Andy: "Ask Tyler if he still has herpes."
Corey: "Does your mom have herpes?"
--"When real estate agents talk about the median price of an Evansville home, they didn't get that figure by using the mean. They did get it by using the median." --Mr. York
--"You can have three modes, you can have four modes. Uh...Corey said he was just down at the bathroom and he saw five 'modes." --Mr. York
--"I'll use an el cheapo." --Mr. York
--"Ancient Geeks--I mean, Greeks did it that way." --Mr. York
--"Never pronounce your h's again or I will beat you. I will knock you down." --Sr. Coudret, Who Hates It When People Pronounce the Silent Consonant H in Spanish
--Me: "Mi madre trabaje en la Almacen de Sam." Translation: "My mother I worked at Sam's Warehouse."
Sr. Coudret: "¿Tu madre trabajo adondé?" Translation: "Your mother worked where?"
Me: "*confused* Mi madre trabaje en la Almacen de Sam..."
Sr. Coudret: "¿Tu madre trabajo adondé?"
Me: "*even more confused* Mi madre trabaje en...*realizing* mi madre trabajo en la Almecen de Sam." Translation: "My mother I worked at...my mother worked at Sam's Warehouse."
--"Why did he keep asking you where your mother worked?" --Emily, On the Above
--"I like long walks on the beach." --Isaac, Opening His Improvisational Presentation
--"Ooh, muchas palabritas." --Isaac Translation:: "Ooh, many little words."
--"La noticia es muy, muy mal...No me gusta para nada. *suddenly beams at the class*" --Isaac Translation: "The grade is very, very bad...I don't like it at all."
--"Su nombre es María." --Isaac, On His Car (I Think) Translation: "Her name is Maria."
--Brad: "*after Crystal starts to say something, then stops to think* Crys-tallllll."
Lori: "*slaps him* Shut up!"
Brad: "What?!"
Lori: "*slaps him again* I hate you!"
--"*Crystal presents, everyone claps* And you didn't call anyone a whore, either! Mike did!" --Isaac
--Sr. Coudret: "Lesley Cucaracha." Translation: "Lesley Cockroach."
Lesley (Roache): "That's not funny."
Sr. Coudret: "*innocently* I didn't say it was."
Mike: "¡Más! ¡Más!"
Chris: "What?!"
Mike: "I said, 'More! More!'"
Chris: "I know what you said, but--the things you say!"
--Isaac: "*in high, mocking voice, quite suddenly* Whaaat? That's groooooss! Ewwwwwwwww!"
Lauren: "What?"
Isaac: "I was just saying it because someone else did and I had to mock them. I don't know, even, who said it."
--"You're in the hole. You are in the hole. You are so in the hole." --Lori, On Sr. Coudret's Weird Way of Putting Us in the Order We Are Going to Present in Class
--Isaac: "I'm in the hoooole!"
Mike: "You haven't gone yet?"
Lauren: "He has too gone, he just wants to be in the hole again."
--"I'm in the hooooole. I've always been in the hole." --Isaac
--"She hit a home run! I get to stay in the hole for the rest of my life!" --Isaac
--"This is a catchy little ditty, the b-side of our first single. Some would argue that it is much stronger than the A-side, but such people will be destroyed with laser beams from my BRAIN." --Nathan, On a Song at His MP3.com Account The band's name is Plaastik. Go. Search. Listen. Yesssssuh.
--"Picture yourself accepting a part-time job at a fast food restaurant . . . . How would the manager pay you? Suppose you were offered hamburgers. In that case, you probably wouldn't take the job. After all, the you can eat only so many hamburgers and the rest soon would be cold and soggy . . . . you aren't likely to find a clothing store that will accept cold, stale hamburgers in exchange for a new pair of jeans. And imagine trying to save hamburgers to pay for your education in a year or two." --JA Economics Textbook
--"The model in Chart 2-2 leaves out many important things, just as you would leave out many streets when drawing a simple map to your home." --JA Economics Textbook
--"Instead of exchanging your labor for hamburgers, you can trade it for money." --JA Economics Textbook
--Arianne: "Why are you wearing one glove?"
Drew: "My friend has the other one."
--Ryan: "You have a website?"
Me: "Yes..."
Ryan: "So do I. It's called www.your-moms-a-whore-and-mines-not.com."
Me: "Oh, so you have your own server?"
--John: "*lying across two seats in the middle of class, he points at Drew* Is he looking at my butt?"
Mlle Ross: "No, but if you sit up, no one else will have to look at it."
--"Did you hear her? SHe said, 'Chode? Ha.'" --Ryan
--"*Ryan goes into long explanation about the deaths-and-accidents history of Metallica, I nod and kind of space out* Ryan, I don't think she cares." --Arianne
--"*someone makes a bad joke in For Whom the Bell Tolls, Lori speaks loudly* That was a good line. Ha. Ha." --Lori
--Gary Cooper in For Whom the Bell Tolls: "I don't like your barber."
Lori: "*same loud voice* Ha, ha. He's bald, get it?"
--Gary Cooper in For Whom the Bell Tolls: "What's your name?"
Guy Who Plays "Pablo": "Pablo."
Isaac: "*in awe* A fat man...named Pablo..."
--"*looks at cover art for For Whom the Bell Tolls, laughs maniacally* 'It's Cooper--and Ingrid--together.'" --Lori
--Man in For Whom the Bell Tolls: "I am an old man who will live until I die."
Lauren: "As do most people..."
--"*Man in For Whom the Bell Tolls gives dramatic speech whilst onscreen with only a horse* Was he saying all that to a horse?" --Lori
--Girl 1: "I ain't stealin' nothin'!"
Girl 2: "You better shut up, before I steal on your jaw!"
Girl 1: "Riiiiight."
--"How do you say, 'I would like to tie a rope around your neck and drag you from the back of my pick-up truck' in French?" --Ryan
--"*a girl walks by in a 'Satan Is a Nerd' shirt* Hey! I have a shirt just like that!" --Ryan
--Mlle Ross: "Francois, how do you say, 'I do jogging'?"
Drew: "Uh...'Je fais du...jogging'?"
Mlle Ross: "Right, 'Je fais du jogging.'"
Drew: "Is that really how you say it? 'Jogging'?"
--Me: *Ryan makes weird, sexual sounds* Ryan, stop masturbating in class."
Ryan: "Huh? What's the matter?"
"It works out my pecs. My iron pecs. Check out my huge, iron pecs, check it out, check it out. *pulls up his shirt to reveal his rather scrawny chest*" --Ryan
--Ryan: "I showed you my pecs again."
Me: "You slut."
--"*holds desk up on chest, looks around, waits for teacher to address him, speaks in a deep, superhero voice* I am Desk Boy." --Drew
--John: "*John puts a purse over his shoulders, immitates Drew's superhero voice* I am Purse Boy."
Drew: "*in same voice* You are Female Boy."
--"Everclear and Lighthouse--I really don't care and I really, really don't care." --Nathan
--"[Nelly Fertando] has an album called, 'Whoa, Nelly.' If Nelly [the rapper] had an album called that, his homeys would ditch him." --Nathan
--"*I pass Adam, who has his arms loaded with art supplies and begin waving overenthusiastically* Wave, Adam! Come on, wave! Wave now! Wave, dammit!" --Me He never really did wave.
--Adam: "*as Anna and I look through his sketchbook; Anna flips to a page with a drawing of a small dog on it; Adam talks in a babyish voice* Ohh, that's my doooog. *Anna flips to the next page, another small dog* Ohh, that's my dog agaaain. *Anna flips to the next page, the same small dog* Ohh, that's still my doooog. *Anna flips to the next page, a small cat* Ohh, there's my caaaat. *pause* She's dead, now."
Me: "*surprised* Oh, I'm sorry..."
Adam: "*Anna flips to the next page, which appears to be an upside-down boy who looks like he's almost break-dancing, except that one of his feet is connecting solidly with the head of a woman who is falling over beside him* Ohh, there's me kicking Mrs. Dowhie in the heeeead. She's just kinda fallin' over like, 'Ooh!'"
--Adam: "*as Anna flips to a page with the drawing of a man* That's some black guy."
Me: "Just...some random black guy?"
Adam: "Yeah, he's walking by and he's like, 'Yo, man, check out dat cracka' ova' there tryin' to dance.'"
--"Oh, I drew that when my parents grounded me after they found out I was drunk. 'I'm grounded, somebody water me...'" --Adam
--Mr. Carter: "We're gonna be working on bitch--bridge-building."
Adam: "Bitch-building?"
Trent: "Building bitches?"
--"Take a nut cracker, for instance. *boys in the front of the room snicker*" --Mr. Carter
--"So with the hammer, you can yank off--yank out. *class attempts to keep a straight face, except Josh H.* Shut up, Hamilton." --Mr. Carter
--Mark H.: "*Mr. Carter leaves the room for a second; Mark turns around to face the class* He said, 'yank off.'"
Mr. Carter: "*walking back in* Shut up, Hamilton."
Josh H.: "I didn't say anything!"
Mr. Carter: "Then, tell Hoeffer to shut up."
--Corey M.: "*gilrs walk in late* "So, you finally decided to join us. You missed it, he said, 'yank off.'"
Mark H.: "And, 'nutcracker.'"
--"These things are called a wench, wenches. *looks at Josh H.* And I'm not talking about your girlfriend or anything." --Mr. Carter
--"Okay, last one--a screw--*looks around suspiciously, no one snickers* You wrap it around the shank or shaft. *boys in front start snickering again*
--"Oh, yeah, when it said, 'Show your work,' I wrote, 'This sucks,' in quotation marks and I still passed." --Andy, On How Easy the I-STEP Test Was (For Most of Us) Our Sophomore Year
--"I wrote, 'Squirrel Master' and 'This sucks' on that test and I passed it." --Andy
--Adam: "*turns around suddenly to face me; I wave; Adam just looks at me, then speaks loudly* Hi, Stephanie."
Me: "Hi, Adam."
Adam: "*turning to row of guys beside me* Hey, you guys. Hey, all you guys over there."
Nathan S.: "*jokingly* Shut up, Adam, we don't want to hear it."
Adam: "Did you guys know that Stephanie, here, and I...are...related? We're blood, man--and nothin's thicker than blood! *turns around just as suddenly to face forward again at his desk*"
--Larisa: "It semlls like...someone's eating...Doritos..."
Christy: "That would be Sarah Berfanger. AKA Berf the Smurf."
Sarah: "Oh, come on!"
--Mr. York: "The number of times you have been turned down for a date...that's a discrete number."
Andy: "For me, that would be never."
Mr. York: "Yes, we all know your blow-up doll can't talk."
--"Andy said he got a placebo for Christmas *class laughs* Don't make any comments." --Mr. York
--"How much money do you get if you die on a Moped?" --Mr. York
--Andy: "That's awesome!"
Mr. York: "I know!"
--Question: "¿Adonde quieres manejar?" Translation: "Where do you want to drive?"
Isaac: "*solemly, but not depressedly* Quiero manejar sobre un precipicio." Translation: I want to drive over a precipice."
--Mike: "*spots my report card in my folder as I write down the previous quote* 3.9 GPA? I didn't realize you were so smart."
Me: "*not sure what else to say* I'm not, just lucky."
Emily: "*jokingly* I didn't realize your GPA was so high, Stephanie. Now, I'm going to have to treat you better. Just kidding, I'll treat you just as bad as I always do."
Adam: "The last thing she did before she left yesterday was give me head."
Travis: "*cracking up* Are you serious?"
Adam: "*solemnly* No, I'm not serious. *Travis abruptly stops laughing; Adam hits him on the arm and cracks up*
--"'Is it going to hit me in the face? It might hit me in the fae, I dunno!'" --Travis, Mocking Mr. Carter's Fifth Time Doing a Demonstration with a Bowling Ball
--"*bells chimes* Price check in aisle five." --Me
--"The average American male is named Robert." --Statistics Textbook
--"Could you just go to sleep or something?" --Mr. York
--Lianne: "Are you serious?"
Melissa C." "I am serious."
--"She said, sest instead of say. What is sest, again? That's a soap, I think." --Lianne, on Jessica's Mispronunciation of the French Word 'C'est'.
--"They were all late for Christmas and Mary was like, 'Thanks, but, no, thanks.'" --Emily
--Sr. Coudret: "¿Recibi los regalos?" Translation: "Did you receive presents?"
Emily: "Regalos? I didn't know anything about regalos."
--Me: "*Emily picks something up off her desk, throws it* What was that?"
Emily: "I don't know. *to self* Get that shit off my desk."
--"Fast Girls Have More Fun" --The Swimming Team Logo, Displayed outside Sr. Coudret's Room
--"Quit bein' so anal." --Girl in Hall
--"The Divine Pursuit: The Game of Escaping Hell." --Mrs. Berry's The Divine Comedy Board Game Example
--Mrs. Berry: "We're not worried about Purgatory, we're not worried about Paradise, we're only worried about..."
Craig G.: "Hell?"
"Acquiring a college education . . . . has many costs. A big part of those costs is the amount of money spent for room and board, books, and tuition. But there is another cost that is often much higher." --JA Economics Workbook
--"I'm not here to learn, I'm here to graduate." --Andy
--"Go to Lower Hell." --Webpage with Map of Dante's Inferno on It
--"Go to Upper Hell." --Webpage with Map of Dante's Inferno on It
--"Map o' Hell." --Different Webpage with Map of Dante's Inferno on It
--World Literature Textbook: "[Dante's] way is blocked by the Three Beasts of Worldliness: The Leopard of Malice and Fraud, The Lion of Violence and Ambition, and The She-Wolf of Incontinence."
Adam: "Hey, I know her!"
--"I thought of putting that above my door, 'ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE,' but I thought that might be a little...intense." --Mrs. Berry
--Mike, Reading from The Divine Comedy: "'These wretches never born and dead / ran naked in a swarm of wasps and hornets / that goaded them the more the more they fled, / and made their faces stream with bloody gouts / of pus and tears that dribbled to their feet / to be swallowed there by loathsome worms and maggots.'"
Me: "What the hell?"
--Mrs. Berry: "This is the level to which peple who have let go of reason go. They gave into sex, drugs..."
Craig G.: "Rock and roll..."
--"Is this going to be like Candy Land?" --Nathan S., On a Game the Class Will Make Based on The Divine Comedy
--"'You have fallen into the Ninth Layer of Hell; go back 2 spaces.'" --Me
--I would not have lunch with a bisexual." --Girl in Hall
--"The southwest desert of the United States is a treasure trove for decayed bodies." --Narrator in "Mummies: Frozen in Time"
--"Because of the spiritual nature of Spirit Cave Man, his body cannot be displayed--but his belongings can." --Narrator in "Mummies: Frozen in Time"
--Joseph Fienes in Shakespeare in Love: "And her name will be...Viola."
Jeremiah: "And her name will be...Dutch."
--Lighthouse Keeper in "Haunted Lighthouses": "That was the first time I'd ever seen a ghost. I had never seen a ghost before."
Dad: "'Haven't seen one since, either. Maybe, it had something to do with that bottle of Jack Daniels...'"
--"*teacher turns light on in space below stairs where we sit before school; Kevin screams* Now I have to put on my pants!" --Kevin
--"*runs and dives to slide down the hall to my locker, sits up casually, pauses* Oh, God, that hurt. My elbow...the pain I go through..." --Adam
--"Eventually, I will borrow money for a house and the interest rates will determine whether or not I can eat." --Christy
--"Eventually, I will borrow money for a house and the interest rates will determine whether or not I can buy curtains." --Christy
--Question: "What did you learn from this article?"
Amy: "I learned that I don't care whether taxes go up or down because we can't do anything about it and we get screwed either way somewhere down the line."
--Question: "How does this article affect me?"
Amy: "In a way, I don't know how this affects me because I don't follow this stuff, I guess that why we have to take this class to graduate. In time I'll know how this affects me."
--Question: "How does this article affect me?"
Christy: "This affects me because eventually, I will borrow money for a house and the interest rates will determine whether or not I can buy furniture."
--"I don't know what he looks like. He's like some faceless god, running our nation's money. He's the Money God." --Christy, On Alan Greenspan
--Girl: "That's not what it said in the book..."
Boy: "You read the book?"
Adam: "'Words?...Left to right?...Letters?...Sentences?...'"
--"Does it not stink of ass in here? Do you smell that? It smells a little like assage in here." --Andy
--Mr. York: "We'll see in a video where they do experiments on animals, on monkeys."
Andy: "When the monkeys are bad, do they spank them?"
Me: "I didn't see that one coming."
--Andy: "Is that illegal?"
Mr. York: "No, it is not illegal not to tell the entire truth."
Andy: "That's awesome!"
--"Pollster Pressure When survey subjects are asked questions, they often provide responses that are favorable to their self-image. In one telephone survey, 94% of the respondents said they wash their hands after using a bathroom, but observations in such places as Penn Station in New York and Golden Gate Park in San Francisco showed that the actual rate is only 68%. (Readers are discouraged from replicating these results by lurking about in public restrooms.)" --Statistics Textbook
--Statistics Textbook: "[A] study show[s] that babies born to lobster-eating mothers have fewer health problems than babies born to mothers who don't eat lobsters. What is wrong with this claim?"
Andy: "It's--it's just stupid!"
--Mr. York: "They started building LST's out on the riverfront."
Andy: "Hey! My uncle has LSD!"
--"My uncle doesn't get his LSD here, but he uses it here." --Andy
--Andy: "They're making a drink called Whoop Ass."
Mr. York: "Andy, please, be quiet, people are trying to do their work."
Andy: "But they're making a drink called Whoop Ass!"
--"They're also making a drink called Hot Sex." --Andy
--"I wonder if they talk weird." --Andy, On Athletic Australians Living in the U.S.
--"I was talking about LST's and he started talking about how his uncle takes LSD." --Mr. York
--"When I got my LST, I came home and found my uncle in the process of scratching the 'T' out and exchanging it with an 'D'". --Andy
--Every day in America, at least one animal is violated." --Andy
--"*teacher fast-forwards loud movie suddenly; in the moment of silence, a high, shrill voice shouts* Constipation!" --Ryan
--"I've been shot, eh? It hurts good, eh?" --"French" Man in Ridiculous Quebec Film
--"With the popularity of water sports increasing, the number of recreational boates has risen dramatically." --Microsoft Office 2000 Textbook
--"I know that's a weird name...'queries'...but that's what they named it." --Mrs. Spalding
--"Gives a whole new meaning to the idea of a honeymoon." --Mr. York
--Andy: "*shouts* Everybody needs to shut up!"
Me: "*annoyed at his constant shouting* Oh, shut up!"
Andy: "*looks amazed* Is she talking to me?"
Me: "Yes."
Andy: "Why don't you shut up?!"
Me: "Ooh, good comeback."
--"He needs to get some real patients and stop talking to his imaginary friends." --Me
--Mrs. Spalding: "What is the police officer doign when he takes your license and registration back to his car and you're just sitting there?"
Brandon: "Beating off."
--"'Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all of its students.'" --Brandom, Quoting Some Website
--Mrs. Berry: "We're just going to get a little smattering of The Divine Comedy."
Sarah: "A smattering?"
--"'To hell with the people, let 'em starve!'" --Mrs. Hahn
--"I could drop the bowling ball out the window...or on Racier's head, that could do some work..." --Mr. Carter
--"It smells straight up like arse in here. It smells like a donkey's ass." --Andy
--"Keep strokin'." --Andy's Advice
--"I'll bet he had some frostbite." --Andy, Referring to a Local Man and Woman Who Were Arrested for Having Sex in a Park on New Year's Day
--Mrs. Nixon said that instead of arresting them, they should have given them an award." --Mr. York, Same as Above
--"AIDS is bad." --Andy
--"We be strokin'." --Andy
--"I knew I shouldn't have smoked my lunch." --Mr. York
--"We're gonna look at a few ways that statistics are abused." --Mr. York
--Courtney: "Nice underwear, Drew."
Drew: "Oh, I know, my sister bought them for me for Christmas. They have snowmen on them!"
--"This class is gonna bring my IQ down. I mean, my GPA. One of those things." --One of Many New, Loud Girls in Physics
--Mr. Carter: "*talking to boy* Hoffman! You're disrupting the whole class!"
Corey M.: "Hoffman! You asshole!"
--"If everyone lived in a cardboard box, there'd be a lot more room in the world." --Ryan
--"No me understande..." --Mike, Trying to Say "I Don't Understand" in Spanish
--"I lost brain cells watching that movie." --Lori, On Dude, Where's My Car?
--"Ellos se dicen, '*laughing* Es muy estupido, ¿no?' No." --Lori, Same as Above Translation: "They say, '*laughing* It's very stupid, no?' No.
--"It's big and scary and it's, like, two feet off the ground, so I have to run and jump to get up onto it." --Lauren, On Her New Bed
