2000 Quotes
There you have it. My first year int he field of quoting.
--Is that a transvestite? Is that a transvestite fashion bowl?" --Mom
--Amy B.: "That scares me!"
Me: "That I don't believe in God?"
Amy: "Yes! I don't want you to...to...to..."
Me: "To burn eternally in Hell? Oh, that's okay, because Nathan and I will be there together."
--Mr. Harris: "Did you work the polls on Election Day?"
Lori N.: "Yes."
Mr. Harris: "Who for?"
Lori N.: "Uh..."
Mr. Harris: "A-ha!"
--Mr. Harris: "Like Judge Judy."
Josh: "Except not on television."
Mr. Harris: "Except not on television."
Josh: "And entirely different altogether."
Kevin: "So, basically, nothing like Judge Judy."
Mr. Harris: "Well...in essence..."
--Ross: "He 'mowed people down'?"
Josh: "Yes! With a John Deere!"
--Mr. Harris: "You can't go to jail for a crime your twin committed."
Josh: "Unless it was your Siamese twin. What if it was your Siamese twin?"
--"The Vanderburgh County Police cannot go into Warwick County and start arresting people--well, they probably could, the people of Warwick County probably wouldn't mind..." --Mr. Harris
--"There is a Santa Claus." --Mr. Russell, The Principal, Over the Intercom
--"Unlike Idaho, there are no potatoes here." --Brad
--"They killed my momentum..." --Mrs. Berry
--"If you did the research paper, even if it was crap--and that's a euphamism for the word I'm really thinking of--I gave you the benefit of the doubt." --Mrs. Berry
--"These grades I had up here were all wrong. *waits for class to react; no one does* Just kidding! *chuckles to himself*" --Mr. Harris
--"Why do they call them 'green peas'? Aren't all peas green?" --Mrs. Spalding
--"Like Calvin Coolidge, Presidents often throw out the first ball to begin a baseball game...How is the President a living symbol of our nation?" --Government Textbook
--"On Chelsea's 13th-brithday weekend.The president: I really liked when she had all those girls over. That was great." --"The Clintons on Balancing Work and Family Life," From Government Textbook
--Justin: "I don't understand."
Mr. York: "That's what I said when I saw your name on my class list."
--"Justin came in second in the trigonometry contest. He was the only applicant." --Mr. York
--"It's almost Satanic, but not quite." --Mr. York
--"Yeah, my first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second wife died of a factured skull--she refused to eat the mushrooms." --Mr. York
--Board: "J'ai des baskets bleues."
Ryan: "I have a blue laundry basket!" Actual Translation: "I have blue (basketball [tennis]) shoes."
--Board: "J'ai 125 francs pour Noel."
Ryan: "I like 125-proof eggnog." Actual Translation: "I have 125 frances for Christmas."
--Board: "Elle a un CD de Destiny's Child."
John: "*after repeatedly insisting that he didn't know the answer* She...made a bowl of cereal, I don't know!" Actual Translation: "She has a Destiny's Child CD."
--"Please refrain from stealing my paper." --Daniel
--Board: "Un sweat-shirt gris, c'est 50 francs."
Ryan: "My sweatshirt cost $7!" Actual Translation: "A grey sweat-shirt, it's 50 francs."
--Board: "Je voudrais une montre jaune."
Drew: "I like the beach. It is very fun." Actual Translation: "I would like a yellow watch."
--Board: *same as above*
Ryan: "I really liked The Full Monty."
--Mlle Ross: "J'ai des baskets rouge."
Ryan: "I have a red laundry basket!" Actual Translation: "I have red basketball shoes."
--"She's like, 'Como...wha...?'" --Lauren 'Como' is a Spanish word for "what".
--"Mrs. Dowhie, how do you pronounce my name?" --Girl in Hall
--"Yes, my hair is natural." --Mike's Example Sentence
--Mike: "*shouting at Becky* It doesn't matter!"
Becky: "*threateningly* What?"
Mike: "*looks down meekly* Nothing..."
--"The end of the grading period is, like, in my back pocket." --Mr. Harris
--Josh: "He's on Prozac because of you, Mr. Harris."
Mr. Harris: "Okay...that's not good."
--Josh: "What did he do?"
Mr. Harris: "He murdered someone."
Josh: "In Texas?"
Kevin: "No, he wouldn't be alive still, if he was in Texas!"
--Mr. Harris: "Bill has a brother, George--George Clinton."
Josh: "George Clinton!--From the P-Funk All-Stars?"
Mr. Harris: "You like this kind of thing, don't you? Chris gets into this kind of thing."
Chris: "I don't understand a word he's said."
--"They could bring in some ex-convicts, they could bring in some guys, Sean Connery, maybe..." --Josh
--Josh: "He kept another person from enjoying the things he wants to enjoy. He shouldn't get out of jail."
Kevin: "Boo-yah!"
Jamie H.: "What if someone tried to kill you and they went to jail and then they got out? Wouldn't you be mad? 'Cause you know they'd just try to do it again."
Josh: "Uh...no one tried to kill me."
--"Dogs are people, too, Mr. Harris." --Josh
--Josh: "Could we make the smarter people stupid and the stupid people smarter, so everyone would be the same?"
Mr. Harris: "Uh...no."
--Ray: "*attempting to teach the class* Hey, could you guys shut the hell up so we can teach?"
Mrs. Berry: "Hey! *Anna and I look up, expecting Ray to get in trouble* Be quiet so they can teach you!"
--"Most of you don't use that word correctly. You would say, 'The caveman drug his wife through the field.'" --Mrs. Berry
--"*after Mrs. Berry calls on him to answer a question, then answers it herself without giving him a chance* Good job, Mrs. Berry." --Mike
--"I hate buying toys from China. *class laughs* No, seriously! It bothers me!" --Mr. Carter
--Mr. Carter: "So it is a proportion of what?"
Josh D.: "Something over something."
--"If an Amish person killed someone, could they be 'electrocuted' in an 'electric chair'?" --Tyler
--"*at random, in the middle of class* Lianne, why are you a binge-drinker?" --Ryan
--"She's like, 'How did you know?!--I mean, no, I'm not!'" --Ryan
Drew: "Hey, can you hook me up with some Rolexes, too?"
Mlle Ross: "En français?"
Drew: "Je voudrais les Roleys." Translation: I want the Roleys."
--Drew: "Je voudrais deux Roleys." Translation: "I want two Roleys."
Mlle Ross: "De quelle colour?" Translation: "Of what color?"
Drew: "Platinum. Non, white gold."
--"*reading in monotone* Je voudrais deux femmes, ooh-la-la." --Eric Translation: I want two women, ooh-la-la."
--"I'm Florentina?" --Isaac
--"Hola. Soy bonita." --Isaac Translation: "Hello. I am beautiful."
--"Lauren: "Necesito un operación. Quiero ver." Translation: I need an operation. I want to see."
Isaac: "Oh. *pause* Puedo ver." Translation: Oh. *pause* I can see."
--"Hola, bruja. *pause* Puedo ver." --Isaac Translation: "Hello, witch. *pause* I can see."
--"Soy Florentina. Me llamo Florentina." --Isaac Translation: I am Florentina. My name is Florentina."
--"Brad: "Ojos. *gestures to glasses*" Translation: Eyes."
Lori: "Cuatro ojos! Ha ha!" Translation: Four-eyes!"
Brad: "*pause, looks solemn* No es comico." Translation: It's not funny."
Isaac: "I love you!"
--Lauren: "¿Doctor?"
Brad: "*spaced-out, looks up with a start* Hola."
Lauren: "¿Ayudame?" Translation: Are you going to help me?"
Brad: "Uh...lunes." Translation: Uh...on Monday."
Lauren: "*looks at watch* ¡Pero es jueves!" Translation: But it's Thursday!"
Brad: "Ah...sí. Hay muchos ojos en la ciudad." Translation: Ah...yes. There are many eyes in the city."
--Brandon: "Let's analyze what you just said. 'She ain't got no meat on them bones.' Could you please speak clear English?"
Lisa: "'Fuck you!' Is that clear enough for you?"
--"So how was the dance? The roads were pretty slick. Did anybody have an accident, slide into a ditch?" --Mrs. Spalding
--The Class: "*after the teacher prompts them to compare two members of the class using transitional phrases* Adam and Stephanie are different in many ways. They are also alike in many ways. Adam doesn't turn in his homework. In addition, he likes to talk. Therefore Consequently, this affects his grade."
Adam B.: "Hey, could you guys focus on Stephanie a little more?"
The Class: "Adam failed to turn in his paper on time, yet, Stephanie turned hers in on time."
Mrs. Berry: "Does anyone else have any suggestions?"
Adam B.: "I have a suggestion for you..."
--"Welcome Home, Hostages!" --Sign Seen in Background of Famous Photograph Shown in Air Force One Film
--"Tyler, never say that again. Ty, you're so white." --Elaine
--Corey: "We're gonna go ass-cappin'!"
Elaine: "You're gonna go ass-cappin'? See, now, if Corey wants to say that, he can, because he's black, but if you want to say it, Tyler...no."
--"Yeah, pull up your pants, they're kinda saggin'." --Melissa C.
--"The French r is quite different from the American r." --French Textbook
--French Textbook: "To prounounce the French r keep the tip of your tongue pressed against your lower front teeth. Arch the back of your tongue upward, almost totally blocking the passage of air in the back of your throat."
Lianne: "That's good."
--"I think all three of us have the same lips. Those big, juicy lips." --Heather, Referring to Herself, Jeremiah, and Myself (We're Siblings)
--"I have to remember that for my quotes page...that was hilarious...I have to write that down..." --Me, In a Dream I don't remember what was so funny.
--"I found it partially-hydrogenating under my bed." --Me What's more, I was talking to myself.
--Cassie: "*writes on the board* In the jungle roars the loin."
Ryan F.: "In the jungle roars the loin. Roars the tenderloin."
--"Don't try to figure out French people. That's what calculators are for." --Eric
--"We only listen with half a brain because we're thinking of excuses with the other half." --Ross
--"The neighbors were probably like, 'Ah, let it burn, maybe we'll get rid of them.' We were white trash." --Mr. Carter
--"Ah, man, what a bummy, crummy day. *pause* That was the dumbest thing I've ever said." --Brandon
--"I have a question. If you kill the President, do you get to be President? Oh, wait, I was thinking of king, nevermind." --Josh
--"God is laughing at me." --Amy
--"I hope my teeth don't fall out. For real. I need my teeth, dawg." --Brad
--Mr. Harris: "How many of you want to do that? Raise your hand. *counts votes*"
Ross: "Hey, can we have another count? I didn't understand your directions."
--"Can hermaphrodites run for President?" --Josh
--Mr. Harris: "How many of you agree with the two-term limit for presidency? Vote now, there will be no recount."
Josh: "*along with a group of boys, all confusedly raising their hand, putting it down, raising the other hand, etc.* I don't understand, how should we do that? Should I raise my left hand or my right hand or what?"
--"Janet Reno--was she a high school gym teacher?" --Josh
--"Now, I'm not saying people in wheelchairs can't do great things." --Mr. Harris
--"The President could say, 'No, I'm fine,' and the Vice-President could say, 'No, I don't think so, you're running into walls, Sir, you're not fit to serve.'" --Mr. Harris
--"Nothing stains black! *points to me (with my black coat and black pants) when Jana threatens to vomit on him*" --Ryan
--"You don't count how many drops of White-Out you use. Unless you're really bored." --Mlle Ross
--"Claire? Never make the mistake of not trying drugs." --Ryan
--"My mom'll be like, 'Oh, Sara, you're great!' And I'll be like, 'Yes. Give me twenty dollars.'" --Sara
--Chris: "You sounded like a priest when you said that."
Mr. Harris: "Really? Bow your heads and open the Great Book to page 450."
--Josh: "You're not making any sense!"
Kevin: "I think he's making perfect sense, Josh."
--Chris: "What about Puerto Rico?"
Josh: "Ricky Martin votes for Puerto Rico--*suddenly breaks into a little dance* she-bangs, she-bangs."
--"She'll be like, 'Apples grow on trees!' I'll be like, 'That's right, sweetheart.'" --Louis, On Marrying His Senior Counselor and Showing up at the 20-Year High School Reunion with Her
--"'Well, I gotta go, my wife fell over again.'" --Louis, Still Referring to the Counselor
--Mr. Harris: "Come on, Erin, talk about Dianne Feinstein."
Ryan: "Go on, Erin, talk about Dianne Feinstein."
--"I am not going to jump on your kid!" --Christy
--"Would you like a Hot Pocket?" --Tyler
--"So once I get up to a certain speed, I have to stay there. Thus, hindering my gas mileage." --Andy
--"I'm gonna get your bling-bling shoes all dirty." --Drew
--"I need to stop breaking things." --Lacy
--"We have love for the pizza." --Me
--Mrs. Berry: *after Devon reads Catallus' "If Ever Anyone Anywhere"* So you didn't understand the poem?"
Devon" "No."
Mrs. Berry: "Does anyone understand this poem?"
Laurel: "*long pause* Stephanie does. *no one but Mrs. Berry and I laugh*"
--Mrs. Berry: "Live today, because you may not have a tomorrow. This may be our last day."
Mike, Whose Research Paper Is over Two Weeks Overdue: "Yes! That means I won't have to do my research paper!"
--"If you were given a trillion $1 bills, just counting them would take you 32,000 years at a rate of one per second, twenty-four hours a day. You would break several records if you accomplished that feat." --Microsoft Office 2000 Textbook
--Mike" What do you mean, I was wrong? I said the answer and you said, 'No...'"
Mrs. Berry: "Oh, I wasn't listening."
--Josh: "*whilst giving his presentation on Senator John McCain* Oh, here's his multi-racial family. *gestures vaguely to a picture*"
Mr. Harris: "Is that child adopted?"
Josh: "I think so. Either that, or his wife had a bastard love child."
--"If we could not use the word 'bastard' in here, that would be good. Let's keep our quota of two times this year." --Mr. Harris
--"*whilst giving his presentation on Senator Ted Kennedy* His brother is John F. Kennedy. *pause* Heh heh...he's dead. Bobby Kennedy is also his brother...he's dead, too." --Kevin
--"Don't mess with Texas." -- Mr. Harris
--"Anybody have any questions? Anybody wanna mess with Texas? Bring it on." --Mr. Harris
--Mom: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask you. Old National wants to know if you would like a $2,000-a-year no-financing insurance coverage deal in case of accidental death."
Dad: "Then they'll be after me, trying to kill me."
Mom: "Who?"
Dad: "Old National."
Mom: "They'd kill both of us, for that much money."
--Justin: "What happened in number five? I wasn't paying attention."
Mr. York: "*mocking* 'I wasn't paying attention.'"
Justin: "*pause* What is wrong with this man?!"
--Mr. York: "They used to have a show about that, Magnitude, P.I."
Justin: "Never seen it."
--"We're sacrificing a goat tonight." --Mr. York
Mr. York: "We hit the square rootimus key and there's your answer. Any questions?"
John: "'The square rootimus key'?"
--"What, your grandma owns the crackhouse or your grandma runs the crackhouse?" --Christy
--Justin: "Ohh, okay, I got you, homedawg."
Mr. York: "Homedawg?"
--"Do I look like a slut to you?!" --Jamie
--"*singing* Bailo / Con el perro / Bailo / Con el perro / Bailo / Con el perro / *high voice* Todos los días / *higher voice* Todos los días!" --Isaac Translation: "I dance / With the dog / I dance / With the dog / I dance / With the dog / Every day / Every day!"
--Mr. Harris: "In a minute, we're going to break up and you can go find who you want to be with."
Ross: "We're breaking up?"
--"They're top-secret dirty jokes?" --Andy
--Mrs. Berry: "How about this? 'I bought a shirt at the mall that was too small.'"
Adam: "Excellent."
--"Tanning beds can...fry your innards...sometimes..." --Mrs. Berry
--Miss Embree: "Right?"
Chris: "Riiiiiiight...No."
Miss Embree: "Yes."
--Miss Embree: "Do you know what many senior citizens do to get their prescription drugs?"
Chris: "Steal?"
--Miss Embree: "What does the House rules committee do?"
Chris: "Decide rules for the House? *whistles*"
--"Chris: "They're brown-nosers."
Miss Embree: "They're politicians."
Chris: "Same difference."
--Miss Embree: "Does anyone know what logrolling is?"
Ross: "I've seen log-rolling."
Miss Embree: "Where?"
Chris: "It's a Japanese sport."
Josh: "Oh, yeah! I saw that on ESPN!"
--Miss Embree: "So if you make sure this bill is passed for me, I'll..."
Ross: "...Wash your car!"
--Miss Embree: "So here's the House."
Chris: "Uh-huh."
Miss Embree: "And you have a leader."
Chris: "Uh-huh."
Miss Embree: "And he's the majority leader."
Chris: "Uh-huh."
Miss Embree: "And what does the majority leader do?"
Chris: "Uh-huh."
--Miss Embree: "The majority leader presides."
Chris: "Like a baby-sitter."
--Chris: "Who's the sergeant-in-arms?"
Josh: "When someone gets out of hand, he puts them in their place."
Chris: "No, that's Sergeant Slaughter."
--Miss Embree: "Who has watched the Sate of the Union address?"
Chris: "Oh, that thing where the President gets in front of the country and tells a bunch of lies? I've seen that."
--"She's like, 'No, that would be Chinese drama.'" --Chris
--"Okay, number thirty...I love this class." --Mr. Carter
--"*draws a deformed car on the board* It's stopping suddenly, that's why its nose is diving." --Mr. Carter
--"*Mr. Carter turns on the overhead; nothing happens* You have to plug it in. *Mr. Carter holds up the plug, looks around questioningly* Yeah, that is." --David
--"That looks like a goat." --Corey
--"Goats look like people, people look like goats..." --Mr. Carter
--Rangers carry guns, I got pulled over by one one time." --Mr. Carter
--"He's dead. He got hit too many times." --Mr. Carter
--"Nothing was better than when Bitzer was running track and a deer hit him and knocked him down." --Mr. Carter
--"That's the sickest thing I've ever heard. *laughs maniacally*" --Andy
--Mr. York: "A policeman in Georgetown, for some reason, shot and killed his wife and children."
Me: "It was the house, it got to him. Like in The Shining."
--Mr. York: "Now, in Japan, we do this carefully."
Andy: "Heh, he said, 'in Japan.'"
--Andy: "What page are we on?"
Mr. York: "I don't know."
--Mr. York: "Well, as William Shakespeare once said, 'Example 2b.'"
Andy: "What? He never said that!"
Mr. York: "He sure did, I was there when he said it."
Andy: "I don't remember that. I remember him saying, 'I like guys.'"
--Andy: "Shakespeare was a raging homo."
Me: "He wasn't raging."
--"The assignment is on everyone's favorite page, page 129." --Mr. York
--Mr. York: "Andy, do your assignment."
Andy: "I'm telling him how to roll a blunt!"
--"Mr. York, I must have smoked too much blunt, because I can't figure out this problem, could you explain it to me?" --Andy
--"Are you guys talking about Larry? You guys are arguing over Larry." --Andy
--"His wife was a stripper? *Mr. York nods* Was she hot? *Mr. York shakes his head*" --Andy
--"Wasn't kidnapping too much work for him? Kidnapping is a lot of work." --Me
Mr. York: "The most popular name among my students is Jennifer. I once had three Jennifers in the same class, the same period."
Andy: "The most popular name in Africa or somewhere like that is Tyler.
Tyler: "The most popular name is Hey, Andy, I screwed your mother last night."
Andy: "You did? Oh, you sick freak! I hope you don't have herpes. *to Mr. York* He said he--"
Mr. York: "I don't want to hear about it."
--Andy: "Who wants to hear a funny story?"
Mr. York: "Nobody wants to go to sleep."
--"I can't help it, I'm just hot!" --Drew
--Ryan: "You're on my C-list."
Lianne: "C-list?"
Ryan: "Yeah, like, not A or B."
--"You know what? I'm not caring. I don't care." --Jessica
--"*bell rings, he strides up to the door, turns the knob, and runs into the still-closed door; he looks down, confused, and turns the doorknob all the way* Oh. *he walks out*" --Xavier
--"It would be so easy to skip by going out these windows." --Chad
--"Have you ever called American Express? I'll probably die waiting on the phone with American Express." --Lola, The Little Old Librarian
--Ross: "If this stuff was down on paper, maybe I'd understand it better."
Miss Embree: "It is on paper! It's in your books!"
Ross; "But the book is hard to understand."
Miss Embree: "Ross! *looks pointedly at his blank desk* Where is your book?"
--"If I pushed you, it wouldn't be suicide." --Mr. York
--"Who ever heard of having 8,000 pies? That's ridiculous." --Andy
--Mr. York: "I failed math when I was in school."
Andy: "Did you really?"
Mr. York: "No."
--Sangeeta: "My brother ran with the bulls. He got stabbed in the side."
Sr. Coudret: "Oh, really? That is so cool!"
--"I was like, 'Don't yell at me, I'm not her boyfriend.'" --Jamie J.
--Mrs. Laurence: "Isn't that cute?"
John: "No. It's really ugly."
Mrs. Laurence: "Oh, fine."
John:"If I had a kid who looked like that, I'd kill it."
--"We should watch 'Schoolhouse Rock' every Friday after Current Events." --Ryan B.
--"Tiffany: "I'll pay $10 if you do it for me."
Me: "Really?"
Tiffany: "Yeah, $10."
Me: "But--it's such a rip-off!"
--Me: "I can see Christy as a karate instructor."
Larisa: "'Can you breathe without a Tic-Tac?'"
Christy and I: "*pause* That's yoga."
--Christy: "I thought you guys were, like, tight or something."
Larisa: "No. She thought we were, like, tight or something."
--"If you're 100 lbs. and you're sitting in a chair, it's pushing up with 100 lbs. If your feet are up off the floor. *I look down, realize my feet are in the chair--and I'm 100 lbs.*" --Mr. Carter
--John G. "I think that buzzing noise isn't good."
Mr. Carter: "You think that's bad?"
Corey: "I think that means it's going to explode."
Mr. York: "Any of those that you didn't understand how to do?"
Justin: "Huh?"
--"All I ever need to know I learned in trigonometry class my senior year on pages 136 and 137." --Me
--"Dn't hit cosine, be nice to him!" --Mr. York
--"I would call Noah, but his phone is out of order." --Mr. York
--"*Mrs. Parmar can't get the VCR controller to work* Do you know how to work that thing? It's pretty high-tech." --Eric
--"Her bosoms were in his face." --Drew
--"She thinks she's the Virgin Mary." --Drew
--"My house was like your house. Before it exploded." --Sr. Coudret
--"I oppose your choice of mealage." --Me
--"She's gone! Lock the door and run out the window!" --Mike
--"Extra credit. Come on. Give it to us." --Anna
--"Some of you have to have that A. Others of you, you're fine with a D, 'just give me my credit and I'm on my way.' *Preston and William raise their hands in a symbol of 'Right On'-ness*" --Mrs. Berry
--Miss Embree: "Is anyone for this?"
Josh: "I agree, because I don't like people blowing smoke in my face and shit."
Miss Embree: "Okaaaaaay..."
--"She loves you in a she-doesn't-hate-you kind of way." --Me
--"You better hope I don't go to the faculty meeting and have refreshments before I make up your test." --Mr. York
--"*Beth asks a long-winded, confusing question* What're you talkin' 'bout, Beth Schaefer? *Beth goes off on him* --Justin
--Mr. York: "It was probably Andy. Andy's always eating things."
Andy: "You got me there, Mr. York, you're right."
Me: "Oh, God, that is so disgusting."
--"Let's have a moment of silence for his calculator." --Me
--"Damned radius." --Andy
--"Can I get a drink? Or, um, pas terrible." --Lianne
--"Everyone was like, Flaming Pie. I was like, fuck you." --Nathan
--"Somebody leave their 3-D glasses in here yesterday? You might need 'em." --Mrs. Spalding
--"Are you sayin' I'm supercilious?" --Eric
--Brandon: "There are other prescriptions available for such things."
Josh: "Yeah, but you can't smoke that."
--Miss Embree: "I need a pro for legalizing marijuana."
Ross: "It's our Constitutional right to experience something that's been around for 200 years."
Josh: "Well, I don't want your grandma."
--"No, Evansvillians wouldn't do that to each other." --Justin
--Mlle Ross: "Tu aimes faire les magasins?" Translation: "You likes to go shopping?"
John: "Oh, sure, I like to read."
--"What causes cats? Mating." --Me
-"I like some violence." --Eric
--"I je adore French." --Lianna
--'Drew's getting punked on." --Melissa C.
--Mrs. Berry: "If anyone in here is having trouble working, it's Eric's fault."
Eric O.: "*a little confused at her randomness* Yes. Yes, it is."
Mrs. Berry: "Thers's a door that's broken over there in that part of the school and it's really cold in that hallway, now. Is that your fault, too?"
Eric: "Yeah. Sorry."
--"Guys, can you put the phone book away? We are not having a filibuster in here today, what are you thinking?" --Miss Embree
--"What happened?!...Oh, I turned it off." --Mr. Carter
--"We don't want to argue with any trained killers." --Adam
--"'Aaaah, the sky is raining blood on me!'" --Adam
--That's why you shoot squirrels and molest them and stuff." --Adam
--Mr. York "Are you catching on?"
John: "No."
Mr. York: "Good."
--"Sniffing this kind of glue doesn't do anything for you anyway." --Mr. York
--"Look, a midget doesn't make you cool." --Melissa
--"Some people come for the food and nothing else. They can easily be spotted, because they bring their own chairs." --Adam
--"Some foods are not what they seem. Elephant ears, for example--are they really elephant ears? No, and that's why they're good." --Adam
--Mike: "He's an asshole!"
Cassie: "*glances around at the teacher* Could you say that a little louder, Mike? Just a little?"
Mike: "*glancing over at the teacher, as well* Well, he is. I'm sorry."
Mrs. Berry: "Mike? Don't be hatin'."
--"I write papers that are 25-30 pages. *the class looks grave, but says nothing* Come on, I want some sympathy. *the class groans, he smiles* --Mr. Murphy
--"Every time I've watched this today, I've gotten cold chills. Now, be quiet, so they can begin." --Sr. Coudret
--Christy: "Should I kill myself now or later?"
Me:"Later. We have to finish those physics labs."
Christy: "'Christy jumps off a building and accelerates at 10 m/s²...'"
--"I like to think of it as 'lecturing.' Other people think I'm 'bitching.' --Mrs. Berry
--Andy: "What is that smell, Mr. York?"
Mr. York: "It's my new aftershave, called Old Dead Trigonometry."
--"Qual âge allez-vous?" --Mlle Ross Translation: "What age are we?"
--Laurel: "Someone wrote, 'Mrs. Berry is a homo' on the board."
Mrs. Berry: "Oh, yes, I tried to keep it a secret. You try so hard, but these things just get out."
--"¡Yo querio un perro caliente!" --Written on the Board Beside the Drawing of a Skeleton Translation: "I want a hot dog!"
--Corey: "Why didn't she just tell who had done it?"
Mr. Carter; "You don't do that in a motorcycle gang! Haven't you ever been in a gang before?!"
--"He must have a bad case of, uh, loseritis." --Andy
--"What if the President called your house and said, 'Are you gonna vote for me?...I have the power to kill you, you know'?" --Ross
--"Nobody gets up and goes to school smelling like mustard. Who does? Could you live with yourself?" --Andy
--Mr. York: "That has a lot of force. Justin knows from when those two guys jumped on him at the same time."
Justin: "What happened?"
--"I can't understand a word." --Eric, On a French Version of a Disney Cartoon
--"Look how hard it's raining! It's raining! Rain!" --Andy
--Katie: "No, that's not the right answer."
Tyler: "No soup for you!"
--"*Justin plays a twisted form of Mercy with Andy, Andy struggles to speak* 'We built this city...we built this city...we built this city...on rock and...roll..." --Andy
--"*tornado siren begins to go off during a storm, Andy climbs under his desk and looks around*
--"Everybody to the halls! *finally comes out from under his desk, only to squirm across the room toward the door like an army man*" --Andy
--"Hormones are putting strange, new ideas in your head." --Andy
--Mr. York: "They think that's how they made the Great Pyramids."
Andy: "Mr. York, the idea that they could build such structures with their primitive tools is simply preposterous. Aliens did it."
--"I wouldn't listen to Tori Amos naked. That would just be wrong." --Nathan
--"Her husband would slap him down." --Nathan
Shaunté: "Antonio, can you move your head? I can't see."
Antonio: "I can see just fine and dandy."
--Chris: "Don't use big words in here!"
Josh: "Don't use words like that in the classroom! I never want to hear the word 'Kerasotes' in here again!"
--"That's a big word, you lost me." --Chris
--Tiffany: "I mean, really, why would you abort a child?"
Me: "Because you don't want it."
Antonio: "Ohhhh, Stephanie put her on shut-mouth."
Me: "No, I didn't."
--Ross: "Powell has a story behind his life."
Josh: "He worked in a coat factory."
Craig: "A Burlington coat factory?"
Josh: "No, just a coat factory."
--Kevin: "I think we should just get a bunch of clones of Abraham Lincoln and every time one Abraham Lincoln dies, we just get another Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln can just be our president forever."
Chris: "I was gonna say Harry Truman."
--"Hey, remember me? The teacher?" --Miss Embree
--Chris: "If you think about it, it's really not good that so many presidents studied law, because all lawyers really are are trained liars."
Miss Embree: "Trained liars?!"
Chris: "Yeah, they're all liars."
Miss Embree: "I take offense to that! My grandfather was a lawyer! And my fiancé wants to be a lawyer!"
Chris: "Well, your grandfather gets a waiver. And your fiancé, too, I guess."
--"Would you kindly get the hell out of my way?" --Sarah
--"Yeah, I see a lot of drunk golf cart drivers." --Andy
--"Is government cheese expensive?" --Andy
--Mr. York: "You always hear people calling each other 'retards' and 'fags'. I wonder what 'retards' and 'fags' call each other."
Andy: "The fags call each other 'retards' and the retards call each other 'fags'."
Justin: "But what if you're a retarded fag? Ooooooh..."
--"Way to be on top of things, Stephan." --Drew
--"Way to be on top of things, Miss Ross." --Drew
--"Way to be on top of things, Stephan." --Drew
--"*the French class is watching Olympic diving, using Dry-Erase boards as scoreboards; a German woman dives; Daniel holds up his board* She's a Nazi! -20.9" --Daniel
--Sr. Coudret: "¿Puedes cerrar la puerta?" Translation: "Can you shut the door?"
Jessica: "*a student just passing through* If I could speak Spanish..."
--Mike: "*Emily shows a drawing of her house to the class* ¡Muy...casa!" Translation: "Very...house!"
Emily: "Mi casa es muy casa." Translation: "My house is very house."
--"*singing* 'Jump, jump, I missed the bus...'" --Nathan
--"*singing* Blaaaaaame it on Steeeeeeeephanieeeeee..." --Antonio
--Miss Embree: "Have you ever heard of constituents? Constituents are--*Chris starts to say something*--constituents--*Chris starts to say something*--constituents--*Chris opens his mouth*--can I finish?"
Chris: "Okay."
--"Sam, she put him on shut-mouth!" --Antonio
--"*whilst discussing filibusters* If you really wanna bore them, you should read this book. *holds up U.S. Government textbook*" --Chris
--"We're paying them to read our phone book!" --Josh
--"*after giving a long explanation* Do you understand? *Ross shakes his head like a confused young child*" --Miss Embree
--"It's gotta be pretty easy to commit a crime in Canada, because how are they gonna catch you? You're in a car and all they have are horses." --Josh
--Miss Embree: "So who decides this?"
Chris: "*Enthusiastically* The Speaker of the House!"
Miss Embree: "Are you sure about that?"
Chris: "No, I just guessed..."
--Miss Embree: "Who is under the majority leader?"
Chris: "The minority leader."
Miss Embree: "Yes, but under that?"
Kevin: "The whip?"
Miss Embree: "Right, Kevin. What can you tell us about the whip?"
Kevin: "I don't know, I just read it in the book."
--Chris: "So you mean that old guy could be our president?"
Miss Embree: "Yes...if Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Speaker of the House all die."
--Ross: "What if the new President was driving to the White House for the first time and then he got shot?"
Chris: "Give it up, man, it's never going to come to that."
--Miss Embree: "Anyone know where the first capital was?"
Josh: "Wasn't it in Richmond or something?"
Miss Embree: "No, anyone know?"
Me: "New York City."
Antonio: "Awwwwwwwww, Stephanie's talkin'."
--"A 22-year-old former Playboy Playmate married a 90-something-year-old man. He died a year later, I guess he couldn't take it." --Mr. York
--"'What's your name, son?' 'My name's Chuck.'" --Andy
--"I wasn't here yesterday, Mr. York. Didn't you notice a subtle peace in the classroom?" --Andy
--"If you make this, it's called a sector. If you make this, it's called a segment. Which makes no sense whatsoever." --Mr. York
--John: "What's up, guys?"
Me: "Don't talk to me."
John: "Ohhhhhhhhhh..."
Me: "Just kidding. I just wanted to see your reaction. That was a pretty good one. That was pretty satisfying."
John: "Oh, does that make you happy?"
--"You copied my 'J'! Go up there and erase that!" --Jessica
--John: "I'd kick your ass and not think twice about it."
Drew: "I'll pay you $20."
John: "I'll do it for free."
--"Ooh, he smoked Drew! Drew was like, 'Curtains, curtains!'" --Xavier
--"Man, why is everyone always pinching my nipples now? That fucking hurts." --Drew
--Eric: "He didn't like me, so I threw rocks at him."
Drew: "Really? A monkey?"
Eric: "A gorilla."
Drew: "A gorilla, that's what I said."
--Xavier: "I don't like pizza. It gives me diarrhea."
Mlle Ross: "Thanks for letting us know."
--"*Mlle Ross picks up an eraser to erase the blackboard* No, don't erase it! No! I will kick you! Don't do it! I'll write it again! Oh! I'm gonna write it again!" --John
--John: "I hate friends."
Melissa C.: "Do you even have any friends?"
--"Help! I'm done with this worksheet!" --Xavier
--Joe: "Harry Potter is like the Ronald Dahl of today."
Teacher/Class: "What? Who?"
Me: "That's Roald Dahl."
Antonio: "Tell 'im about it, Stephanie."
--"This blows...dick." --Corey
--Andy: "Mr. York, that's ghetto."
Mr. York: "*singing* 'In the ghettooooo...'"
Me: "Not as ghetto as Mr. Martin."
--Justin: "Shut up, fag!"
Mr. York: "Hey, now, let's not get romantic on me."
--"Try using a turn signal, buddy. It's a little stick, probably on the left side of your wheel." --Dad
--"*as we pass a man on a ten-speed in the middle of nowhere during a rainstorm* Look, it's the pizza delivery guy!" --Dad
--"*when a car in front of us stops too suddenly* You dim-witted son of a...gun! *points at me suddenly* Ha! I bet you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you? Mwaaaaahahahahahahahahahah!" --Dad
--"That blind guy isn't very blind." --Me
--"Does anyone have a spare 5-gallon bucket on them?" --Mr. Harris
--Antonio: "*Says something to someone else, I don't even hear* Just ask Stephanie over here. Isn't that right, Stephanie?"
Me: "Damn straight."
--"Mr. Harris wants to be here. I don't know about the rest of the social studies department." --Miss Embree
--"When you're picking a new vice-president, can you just pick, like, your cousin or something?" --Josh
--Antonio: "*Antonio is tapping loudly on his desk, I glance at something else in that general direction, he stops* Oh, my bad, Stephanie. I didn't realize I was annoying you."
Me: "I wasn't looking at you, I was looking at something over there."
Antonio: "Oh. *begins tapping on desk again*"
--Miss Embree: "So what does a lame duck president do?"
Chris: "Nothing, really. Keep the White House neat."
--"1.386667, this is The Satanic Cotangent." --Mr. York
--Antonio: "If I get in trouble, you can look over and be like, 'It's all right, Antonio, it'll be all right."
Me: "I'll keep that in mind."
Antonio: "That's right."
--"There are a lot of e's in French, I guess." --Mlle Ross
--"This is truly a dream." --Mr. Harris
--"That hurts." --Mr. Harris
--"What, jumping out of a plane is hazardous or something?" --Mr. Harris
--"Nothing like heart failure." --Mr. York
--"You worked with arc length in geometry. And most of you didn't know what the hell you were doing." --Mr. York
--"The custodian doesn't like to clean up the room." --Mr. York
--"If you have any other questions, tough luck. I mean, ask me." --Mr. York
--"Talkin' 'bout Raisin Bran. It keeps ya' regular, y'know what I'm sayin'?" --Ryan
--"J'adore les hamburgers. They're pretty good." --Javier
--"Okay, you're going way overboard. I am not wearing cowprint. Zebraprint, yes; cowprint, no." --Amy
--"You're not going to just sit down and BS a paragraph, like you usually do." --Mrs. Berry
--"That would be fun, but, no, we can't do that." --Mrs. Berry
--John B.: "Are you guys drunk?"
Erin: "What?!"
John B.: "Are you guys drunk in these pictures?"
Erin: "Yeah! Come on, honey!"
--John B.: "Is he drunk in this picture?"
Erin: "He's a nine-year-old boy! No, he's not drunk! The minimum drinking age in that house is fourteen!"
--Antonio: "*after we get a new seating arrangement, Antonio looks over at me confusedly* Who are you?! Oh--oh--Stephanie Coin. Right? No...that's not it..."
Me: "Yeah, it is."
Shaun: "You're stupid, Antonio."
Antonio: "Hey! I was right."
--"Don't talk about old ladies! I have a grandma!" --Amy
--"I can tell you the speed I threw this up with. 'Threw this up with'? That's not right..." --Mr. Carter
--"Thanks for explaining that to the teacher." --Me
--"*Mr. Carter explains the four forces in nature* What is he talking about?" --Becky
--Mr. Carter: "Ever played with stomp-rockets?"
Class: "No."
Mr. Carter. "Ohhhhhhh. Stomp-rockets are baaaaaad. Baaaaaaaaaad. You can put someone's eye out with one."
--"You can actually figure your velocity when you hit the ground after falling off a building." --Mr. Carter
--"You won't have to fall off the roof for this. I'll fall off the roof for this. No, I'll throw something off the roof for this." --Mr. Carter
--Corey: "Let's take a trip to a high bridge and throw stuff off it."
Me: "Yeah, we can drop dead bodies into the river."
--"*Stephan writes 'J. Crew' on board behind teacher, puts arrow pointing to her* Stevie, Stevie, Stevie Wonder." --Ms. Crew
--"*nuzzling toy dinosaurs together, singing* 'Love me tender...love me sweet...'" --Amy
--"You won't say, 'Oedipus poked his eyes out.' You would say, 'Oedipus pokes his eyes out.'" --Mrs. Berry
--Ms. Embree: "You're a guest here."
Me: "Guest, prisoner, whatever."
--"Don't be touchin' my apple. Foo'!" --Adam
--Girl 1: "Crackhead."
Girl 2: "I'm not a crackhead."
Girl 1: "You're a crackhead."
Girl 2: "You're a crackwhore."
--"*sits down in the middle of a crowded hallway during a passing period* I have a dream." --Josh S.
--"Little known fact: Mark Twain invented the keyboard." --Emily
--"He basically died of old age and his body falling apart and stuff." --Mrs. Berry
--"'Yet, this news of your father's death is wonderful.'" --Me Reading as Jocasta from Oedipus Rex
--Ray as Messenger in Oedipus Rex: "'Polybus was not your father.'"
Mike as Oedipus: "'Not my father?'"
Ray: "'No more your father than the man speaking to you.'"
Mike: "'But you are nothing to me!'"
Ray: "'Neither is he.'"
Mrs. Berry: "Duhn-duhn-DUHNNNNNN!"
--"Okay, the honeymoon's over, guys." --Mrs. Berry, As Oedipus and Jocasta Realize the Nature of Their Relationship(s)
--"'And as he spoke / He struck at his eyes / Not once, but many times; / And the blood spattered his beard, / Bursting from his ruined sockets like red hail.' *Anna and I crack up*" --Audrey as Second Messenger
--Me: *walking by Melissa in the hallway* "May-lee-suh."
Melissa: "Hi, Stephanie--you look different."
Me: "Glasses, haircut, bye. *continuing on my way*"
--Mr. York: "Boy, Saudi Arabia really appreciates all the help we're giving them."
Andy: "And we appreciate the break they're giving us on oil prices."
--"It was a band fight. Band fights rule. Did you guys use your instruments?" --Andy
--Andy: I'm disappointed, Mr. York."
Mr. York: "Yeah, that's what your last date said."
--"I don't know anything about financing a car. I just mess with the engine and all the nice stuff under it." --Jimmy
--"*walks in with sweater wrapped around his head like a turbin* I am Rashid...Muslim...Rashid...Rashid...Rashid...Rashid." --Drew
--"Joo-lee-ae-no!" --Ryan
--Mr. York: "They did a survey that says that men wash their hands less than women."
Boy: "It's because the guy taking the survey was just standing there, watching them. I'd just leave the bathroom, too."
--"*Andy belches loudly* Please, don't do that. It reminds me of my mother-in-law." --Mr. York
--"One day, a couple o' years ago, I was coming up over the hill by Mesker Park and I was at the top of the hill when my gas ran out, because my gauge was broken. Well, I pulled the clutch and let it coast all the way down the hill, and back then, there was a gas station down there at the bottom of that hill, I think it's a McDonald's now...anyway, so I coast all the way down and right up to a pump, and I thought, 'How can I be so lucky?'...The gas station was closed." --Mr. York
--Andy: "Pythagoreus was stupid!"
Mr. York, Who Never Yells: "Pythagoreus was my hero, don't SAY that!"
--"You can solve the problem real easy, all you have to do is convert. To Catholicism." --Mr. York
--"I do not stay home and worship my geometry." --Tyler
--"I don't remember geometry class. Take taht back, yes, I do, in fact, I remember failing it." --Tyler
--"Your word search has the word 'RAPE' in it. It should be called, 'Rape No. 7.'" --Andy
--Andy: "I found the word 'BONR.' You have the word 'BONR' in your word search."
Mr. York: "Let's not talk about your after-school activities, please, just do your work."
--Justin: "Hey, I found the word 'APE.' Your wordsearch has the word 'APE' in it."
Andy: "It's 'RAPE.'"
Justin: "Oh, wait, it's 'TRAPEZOID.'"
--"Why did I ask? I don't even care." --Justin
--"I have a crush on your mom, why don't you tell her to call me?" --Andy
--Justin: "You didn't tell us they could go backward, Mr. Orth!"
Mr. York: "OH, MY GOD!"
--"*Boy I've never seen before pulls on my backpack from behind and then smiles at me in the hallway* Hi...don't ever do that again. Never. Never do that again." --Me
--"Are you dripping, Jamie? Not to get too personal..." --Sarah
--"Well...I guess we could do something G-rated for a little while..." --Nathan
--Me: "*As Jamie and Sarah return ot the lunch table where Jimmy, Richard, and I are sitting quietly* Oh, you guys missed it! It was the funniest thing!"
Sarah: "*deadpan look* No!"
Me: "Yes."
Sarah: "No. Don't ever say that again, Stephanie."
Jamie: "What? You suck eggs, Stephanie."
Me: "I know."
Jimmy: "*looks up* Huh?"
Sarah: "Look, Jimmy hears the words 'Stephanie' and 'sucks' and he's interested."
--"I put 'M. Potato Head' on here. Just because I wanted to use 'Potato Head.'" --Mlle Ross
--"*While watching L'Histoire de Jouets (Toy Story) in French, as Woody is smacked aside in lieu of Buzz* Oooh, he got smoked." --Xavier
--"Mr. Courdet, I have to use the bathroom! *suddenly runs out of room*" --Lauren
--"'¡Mi madre no está gorda! ¡Retiralo!" --Sr. Coudret Translation: "My mother isn't fat! Take it back!" --Mr. Coudret
--Receptionist 1: "She's coming back later? Why?"
Receptionist 2: "One of her pairs of contacts is a shade or two lighter than the others."
Receptionist 1: "She drives me crazy. That woman has problems."
--"Bless them with the gift of current events." --Me
--Kevin: "They should cut him up and spread him over...Canada. We don't want that stuff here."
Miss Embree: "I don't think that's entirely legal..."
Ross: "We can't cut him up?"
Kevin: "A chainsaw would work nicely."
--Ross: "I don't think they should kill by lethal injection unless they're like, 'Ooooops...oops...oops...I missed the vein...oops...needle slipped...oh, sorry...sorry!' Or inject them with air, that would be painful. The vein would explode and then they'd die."
Miss Embree: "Ummmm..."
--"Basically, there were only two things to do, drink and pray." --Joe
--Joe: "There are golf courses all over the place! And they're building more all the time."
Kevin: "It's because of the Japanese. *class snickers* I'm serious. It's because of the Japanese. They love to golf."
--"That's not what a screwdriver is for." --Kevin
--"I think it depends on the size of the person you kill." --Kevin
--"John, Beth, get in your seats. Join the rest of us in misery." --Mr. York
--Andy: "Did this guy get a Nobel Peace Prize for doing this?"
Mr. York: "Yes, he did."
Andy: "Really? He did?"
Mr. York: "No. Why would he get a Nobel Peace Prize for figuring out how tall a mountain was?"
--"We'd let you go for us. Sacrifice you for the class." --Mr. York
--Andy: "You are so stupid, Justin!"
Justin: "Oh, my gosh, coming from Andy Flittner, that means so much."
--Andy: "Mr. York, did you know that I eat two school lunches a day?"
Mr. York: "And you still keep that girlish figure?"
--Andy: "I don't know what I"m going to do when I get older."
Mr. York: "You'll be fat."
--"One time, my heart stopped beating for three minutes, it was the best." --Andy
--"If we were in Greece right now...hundreds of years ago..." --Mrs. Berry
--"They'll leave the baby on the mountain. The baby will starve to death, for one, and beasts and birds of prey will feast on it. Now, these days, that would be considered severe child abuse." --Mrs. Berry
--"There's this Sphinx--part lion, part eagle, part woman, part...scary stuff..." --Mrs. Berry
--"Wooh, incest, yeah!" --Mike
--"I am new President. I have been in country three week." --Josh
--"I used to work at Kwikee Mart. Now I your President." --Josh
--"I am new President. I blew up World Trade Center." --Chris
--"Have you guys seen My Dog Skip? Phewwwwwwwww. *no response from class* Man, you guys are dead." --Mr. Carter
--Mr. Carter: "What's wrong?"
Girl: "I hate...physics."
--Mr. York: "The human race is set to die out...in...oh..."
Me: "All right, we're goin' down!"
--"I don't have one of those. My grandpa shoots those." --Drew
--"Can you bring in some French people? We can just make fun of 'em a little." --Eric
--"I didn't do my words yesterday. Holy shit!" --Sr. Coudret
--Me: "What will be the most important thing to you in the future?"
Amy: "M'tatoos, m'piercin's, and m'ol' man beatin' th'shit outta me!"
--"That is disgusting. I shouldn't be laughing at it. *calm for a moment* But I can't help it...*dissolves into giggles*" --Dad
--"Do you want to pet it? You can pet it, if you want...you can pet my boa." --Girl
--Brandon: "Who was that person?"
Mrs. Spalding: "I don't know, she waved at me."
--"Now, somebody in here knows what chronological order is...right?" --Mrs. Spalding
--"It's the Riddling Sphinx Song." --Adam
--I'm Michael Jackson, if he wasn't a pedophile." --Ross
--Amy: "Ross, who are you supposed to be?"
Me: "He's Michael Jackson, if he wasn't a pedophile."
--Miss Embree: "Who had Article VI?"
Ross: "Oh, that's us. *to Kevin* Get out the notes."
Kevin: "Yes...Master..."
--Adam: "Is this yours?"
Corey: "Yes. *Adam throws magazine on the ground, stomps on it; after a moment, Corey stomps on it, too*
--"You sounded like my niece. She is so not cool." --Larissa
--"Why are we so mean? Why are we so mean? Because it's fun." --Christy
--"One...two...fucking...three. There's a number between two and three and it's fucking." --Larissa
--"This is what the number fucking looks like. Mr. Carter's going to see it on my paper and say, '*gasp* She knows about the secret number!'" --Larissa
--"Are we allowed to bring a bear to school? Not, like, a real bear, just, like, a teddy bear?" --Jessica
--"I was just giving her her pen. I'm a good girl." --Jessica B.
--"He's telepathical." --Jessica B.
--John: "Did you know that I'm not Mexican?"
Melissa C.: "I king of thought about it. Becuase you have blond hair."
--"Horseys are dangerous. They can run you over." --Drew
--"J'ai catorze...something at the end." --Drew Translation: "I have fourteen...something at the end.
--Drew: "You should wear a jacket."
Jessica B.: "I am."
Drew: "No, you're not, you're wearing a dental jacket."
--Drew: "I can smash Coke cans on my head."
Joëlle: "Why would you want to do that?"
--"I'm crazy, man. 'Cause it's the millennium." --Drew
--"No bus en mi calle." --Emily Translation: "No bus on my street."
--"*To the tune of "Bailamos"* Mentabamooooos..." --Lori Translation: Bailamos means we dance; mentabamos means we used to ride.
--Mr. Coudret: "I don't say the word shit."
Mike L.: "You just did."
--"We could say, 'The man is blind,' but we don't know that word." --Laci
--"One, that was just scary, and two, I have no idea what anyone is talking about." --Me
--Amy: "Move or I'll hit you."
Isaac: "Hit this. Ooooh!"
--Dad: "No comment, eh?"
Me: "'Like I care.' There's a comment."
--"And this guy was there when I got back and he said, 'So who's the loser now? How does it feel to be a loser?' And I said, 'The same way it feels to be on the Central football team!' Oooh!" --Tyler
--Girl: "And I was just like--you know?"
Sarah: "Yeah, I know."
--Girl 1: "Joey! Joey! Look how nicely she shaved for you! *points to Girl 2*"
Girl 2: "Shut up, you stupid cunt!"
--"You know what my favorite decade is? The 1650's." --Me
--"Government changes lives--but not mine!" --Written by a Fellow Student in My U.S. Government Textbook
--"My favorite decade is the 150's BC. *blank looks all around*" --Me
--"My brother would be standing at the top of the ravine, laughing. 'Heh heh, heh heh, she's dying.'" --Me
--"The angle is 300°--pretty darn hot." --Mr. York
--"Did you just call me 'Don'?" --John D.
--Andy: "Later, Mr. York."
Mr. York: "See you at the Trigonometry Club meeting later, Andy."
Tyler: "We have a Trigonometry Club?"
Group of Girls: "Shut up, Tyler."
--Lilian: "Ha ha, ha ha ha!"
Ryan: "Ha ha ha I DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"
--"*Approvingly, as I pass him in all black* Lookin' dead, lookin' dead." --Boy
--"Okay, does everybody got irony?" --Mrs. Berry
--"Life is not fair, okay? That's what we're learning in government." --Miss Embree
--"Well, we could have, but we didn't, because we were lazy." --Miss Embree
--"Wouldn't you prefer a comfortable, home-like environment to a white-concrete prison-like environment? *looks around room hintingly*" --Joe
--"I'm sorry, I'm expanding." --Chris
--"He said that. I remember that exactly because I wasn't sleeping." --Amy
--"By 'everyone,' do you mean everyone or the students?" --Ross
--"*after making a student spit out his gum* I chew gum all the time. Gum is good. *pulls out large pack of gum, obnoxiously puts some in his mouth and chews it loudly* Mmmmmm. It's really good." --Mr. Harris
--Lori: "*brings a bad copy of her test up to the teacher* I'm missing a backside."
Mr. York: "That must be a funny feeling."
--Andy: "You didn't know that? You retard!"
Me: "Shut up, Andy."
Christy: "I don't think he was talking to you, Stephanie."
Me: "I don't care, he should shut up anyway. God, I am in such a bad mood."
--"Stephanie--sporting the no-glasses look today?" --Jamie J.
--"It's fake salt." --Dianna
--"Well, I'm trying to enjoy my not-real meat." --Jimmy
--"Who's Kevin Spacey?" --Melissa C.
--"Can I use the bathroom? Say, you got an Kleenexes in here?" --John
--"*chanting at me, the only senior in the class* Senior! Senior, senior, senior!" --Drew
--"Let's get to the pastries." --Drew
--"Ooh, he stuck you. And you just sat there and watched!" --John
--"You're a dead brotha' walkin'." --Boy
--"I don't have a hard time with it. I understand it very well." --Ryan
--"I know the class is called 'social sciences,' but this isn't Social Hour. Get with it, act like seniors." --Miss Embree
--"He talks like a research paper." --Me
--Miss Embree: "Your taxes are keeping the local prisoners alive."
Sarah: "Kill 'em!"
--"You know what would cut prisoners off from the outside world really well? Kill them." --Josh
--"You no longer have to submit an eassay to get into UEV. Now, you submit a picture." --Miss Embree
--Mlle Ross: "Sortez les stylos." Translation: "Take out your pens."
Lianne: "But I already sortezed."
--John: "Do I have this answer right? Can you come over here and check to see if this is right?"
Mlle Ross: "After we're finished with the quiz..."
Lianne: "Here, let me look. *John hands over his paper* Yeah, you got it right."
Mlle Ross: "We are taking a quiz!"
--"I need a lot of bread." --Drew
--"I'm allergic to warm bread." --John
--"You betta' be quiet fo' I come over there an' smack the bread out yo' face." --John
--"Yo, can I have some straight butter? Fill me up with a cup of butter." --Drew
--"Would you shut up before I stab you?" --Jessica
--"*girl comes in, waves to friend* Hey, why don't you leave?" --Craig
--"I've always dreamed of having a conjugation party." --Sr. Coudret
--Brad: "What are you girls on over there?"
Lori: "Your mom's lipgloss!"
--"*speaks in German* I said, 'Help, my head is stuck in the elevator!'" --Josh
--"I know how to say, 'Help, my head is stuck in the cheese grinder!' too." --Josh
--"The college administrator made me do it!" --Me
--Mrs. Berry: "Does everybody have their four-sentence paragraph written?"
William: "I'm done, I'm done, calm down."
--"The walls are covered with inspirational self-motivation posters." --Adam
--Audrey: "What color is this room?"
Mike: "It's always about color with you!"
--"These guys are like, 'It's boring in here, what are they doing?' *mocks two students who have been confused about what she's been saying for the last 40 minutes because they don't have the proper papers for the discussion*" --Mrs. Berry
--Andy: "So how are things, Mr. York?"
Mr. York: "They're there."
--Justin: "Seventy! Seventy, seventy!"
Mr. York: "No, that's how many calls you have to make to get a date."
--Andy: "I like elementary school math. Elementary school math ruled."
Me: "I bet it really came in handy at McDonald's."
--Miss Embree: "This man raped and then stabbed this woman. What do you think should be done to him?"
Chris: "I think he should have the same done to him as he did to her."
--Jimmy B.: "I'm not going to bring a child into the world unless I can give it all the things I never had."
Chris: "Then you'd better never have children."
--"A child is not a toy." --Tiffany
--"I paid 25¢ for that gum!" --Jimmy B.
--"Where have I been? I have a life." --Amanda
--"I'm not so smart. I'm just a thinker. I persevere." --Mr. Carter
--Mr. York: "So they cut the fish's stomach open and a human head rolled out."
Andy: "Did they still serve the fish?"
Mr. York: "That's not bad. Sadia Brimm asked me if the guy was still alive."
--"If anybody calls, I'm dead, take a message." --Jeremiah
--"Well, I know accidents happen, but you have to think--how often are you standing up in your car with your head hanging out the window?" --Dad
--Mike: "*after I pull a large jacket out of my small backpack* Who are you, Mary Poppins?"
Me: "What?!"
Mike: "Where did that jacket come from?"
--Miss Embree: "How would you feel if you were being heavily taxed on things that these other people weren't and there's this guy 3,000 miles away saying you have to do all this stuff when he's never even been here?"
Ryan: "I wouldn't feel so good."
--"Oh, it sucks when this happens." --Mr. Carter
--"Ohhhhh, this sucks." --Mr. Carter
--"Why are you doing this? We're not that dumb!" --Corey
--Me: "*after Mr. Carter takes special care to cut a perfect plus sign out of a piece of paper* It's not even."
Corey: "It doesn't look right, now."
Mr. Carter: "Shut up!"
--"Sleep deprivation's got me going." --Jenny
--Andy: "You already have my Doritos. Can I buy them back from you?"
Mr. York: "I dunno, I'm kind of hungry."
Andy: "*pleadingly* I'll give you 50¢!"
--"I don't know wo I am, where I am, or where my book is." --Mr. York
--Andy: "Can you write me a recommendation, Mr. York?"
Mr. York: "My hands are pretty arthritic..."
--"I have less expensive things to do this summer." --Me
--"What about the queens who didn't bear children? What about their bodies?" --Me
--Spanish Video: "His mother said, 'Weep, my son, like a woman, for what you would not fight for like a man.'"
Me: "That was cold."
--"Go ahead, stare at me. Go ahead. Go ahead. 'Cause I'm staring right back." --Dad, engaging in a staring contest with our youngest dog
--William: "*picks pen up off of the ground* Did somebody lose a pen? *Ray's pen flies across room, hits William*"
Ray: "I did."
--Justin: "My nipples are kinda hard."
Mr. York: "I think we can do without that."
--"You were right about that one: nobody knows." --Andy
--"Do you have an questions, besides, 'Why do we have to be here?'" --Mr. York
--"This isn't even my book. Oh, wait, yes, it is." --Mr. York
--Andy: "Do you watch 'The Teletubbies'? Do you smoke pot and watch 'The Teletubbies'?"
Me: "I think 'The Teletubbies' is probably more scary if you're watching it when you're not high."
--"I was walking down the hall today and somebody stole my wallet. And I still don't know who did it. *silence; Mr. York suddenly starts laughing hysterically; the rest of the class follows suite*" --Andy
--"That doll is gay." --James B.
--James B.: "Wait a minute, wait a minute. Say that in exactly the same way, with the same voice and everything."
James W.: "Okayyyy...James. Would. You. Like. To. Share. A. Fruit. Pie. With. Me.?"
James B.: "No, no, that's not at all how you said it. It was more like, *soft, silky voice* 'James, would you like to share a fruit pie with me?' You just sounded like you wanted my body."
--"Refer to Sangeeta's conjugations." --Craig's Board Contribution
--Sr. Coudret: "I like your look today."
Corey E.: "Yeah, I'm going for the Sexy Dude look today."
Sr. Coudret: "I don't think you sexy, I just like your look today."
--Newspaper-Selling Girl: "We're competing."
Craig: "Well, you lost."
--"En la cafetería, comí un pollo pequeño y feo." --Craig Translation: "In the cafeteria, I ate a small and ugly chicken."
--"Anyway, addressing the teacher, here..." --Me
--Girl: "We weren't supposed to tear those pages out, were we?"
Becky: "Why else would the teacher have shown us how to do it?"
--"Mr. York: "You didn't want anyone staring at your golf balls yesterday. You said it made you nervous."
Andy: "I just don't want anyone touching my balls. I don't care if everyone stares at them."
--"The secent ye shall find." --Mr. York
--"Thanks, Jimmy, for thoroughly confusing us even more." --Andy
--"*groan of pain* The cancer's kicking in." --Drew
--"If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face? *mutters a line unintelligibly* Yeah, yeah, God is God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." --Xavier Attempting to Sing Joan Osbourne's "What If God Was One of Us?"
--"You ain't Francis the Great, you know what I'm sayin'?" --Xavier
--John: "Hey, do guys in France wear underwear?"
Miss Ross: "I don't know, I didn't go around asking the last time I was there."
John: "Why not? Next time, just check for yourself."
--"The bell rang? Oh...uh..." --Craig
"But--but--I don't want to be Blanca!" --Lauren Translation: "But--but--I don't want to be White!" --Lauren
--"Why did Eve take the apple from the Tree of the Good of the Good of the Knowledge Tree?" --Devon
--"I know not of this." --Becky B.
--"Sounds like a forest fire to me." --Ray
--"Somebody help him spell that." --Mrs. Berry
--Mrs. Berry: "What evil things are you tempted to do?"
Adam B.: "Kill people. Um...kidding."
--Mrs. Berry: "Any other temptations?"
Ray: "Killing. Killing. Killing!"
Becky: "Who keeps saying 'killing'?"
Mrs. Berry: "Yeah, I seriously do need that information."
--"I don't think anybody in here has a favorite Bible story." --Devon
--Mrs. Berry: "What is the lesson of 'Noah and the Ark'?"
William: "Ray says it's that everyone should own a boat."
--Ms. Embry: "You're supposed to be ready for the test today."
Amanda: "Well, I'm not."
--"We didn't have Ridelin in my day. They just hit us with rocks, 'Sit down!'" --Mr. Carter
--"That was random..." --Me
--"I knew it. He was a hippie." --Me
--"I'm dyslexic. I thought I was a dog." --Mr. Carter
--"Do not draw on me, I am serious." --Christy
--Christy: "So do Mexicans not have teachers or something?"
Me: "No, they all migrated up here and became math teachers."
--"Your tax dollars at work." --Mr. York
--"You can't buy drugs with food stamps." --Andy
--Mr. York: "I made casket lids."
Me: "Now that's a cool job, because if you see one you like, you can set it aside for yourself for later."
--Mr. York: "They may try to trick you by asking what the cosecent of x is when the sign is Ö3/4."
Justin: "No! Nooooooooooo!"
--"I smoked my lunch." --Mr. York
--"If you weren't here to save me, I'd flunk." --Mr. York
--"The sin is 2/3, the cosine would be Ö5/3, yes, Andy, there is a real Santa Claus, the tangent is 2/Ö5..." --Mr. York
--Andy: "You're my favorite teacher, Mr. York."
Mr. York: "You're my second-favorite student, Andy. Everyone else in the room ties for first."
--"Guess what? There's this little girl here who doesn't like me. Can you believe that? Can you believe that someone doesn't like me?" --Jessica
--Did you ever notice how they sound the storm-warning siren 10 minutes after the storm is over? I guess it's the all-clear signal." --Josiah
--"Sock-stealing bastards." --Christine
--Mike: "What do you think Gilgamesh learned?"
Adam B.: "Um..."
Mike: "That's good enough, give him some candy."
--"We liked the questions that didn't refer to the story better." --William
--Laurel: "So this whole story, he's looking for immortality and he works so hard to get it and he finally gets it and then a serpent comes and snatches it away and that's the end. So what did you think of that ending?"
Class' General Consensus: "That ending sucked. That was a dumb ending."
Me: "I thought it was funny. *silence from the rest of the class*"
--"You know, the fact that you come out here at lunch soliciting us for your drug dealing is really pathetic. Everybody knows you're only supposed to deal drugs after school." --Me
--"You'd better deal your drugs fast, we only have four minutes left." --Me
--Ralph: "Money is nice."
Me: "Then get a job, like the rest of us."
--Ralph: "I'm not taking the price down any more than that."
Amy: "Why-y?"
Me: "He wants his money, yo."
--"Where's the money, puppy?" --Jimmy
--Mr. Coudret: "*mentions numerous local cities in which large groups of Mexicans live* So what's my point?"
Brad: "They're taking us over?"
--"Kick the pigeon! Kick it!" --Me
"Kick the pigeon! Eat it! Eat it, bitch!" --Amy
--"Eat iiiiiit." --Me
--"Being Spain, there is always a bar to drop into." --Barcelona Video
--"Heather Tesch, twenty-four hours a day. Because she's a robot." --Nathan
--"Davey, Jr. Davey, Jr. likes 'is 'rat'le. Davey, come 'ere. I want 'o help you with you' vocab'lary wo'ds. Davey, Jr. likes 'is e'ymol'gy class." --Nathan
--"This one was made by...*looks at drawing of flowers that has inexplicably been added to the bottom of a physics graph* Love, Josh and Love, Adam." --Mr. Carter
--Lori B.: "Just come to the carwash this weekend."
Jeremy: "What will the cheerleaders be wearing? That's all I want to know."
--Katie: "So let me get this straight--you girls aren't allowed to wear halter tops at Central because it will 'distract' the boys."
Sarah: "Yeah, the boys might mind."
Me: "None of the boys around me watching the cheerleaders at the assembly minded."
--"You know, boys have hard-ons for 2½ hours every day. It's true. I heard it on the radio." --Sarah
--"Tomotada told her a poem and she be talking in that poetry back to him." --Adam B.
--"She said she was dying because she had the spirit of a tree. *cracks up*" --Adam B.
--"And she was dying and they was sad and stuff." --Adam B.
--"Sick, I know, but I thought it was funny." --Me
--"The front wheel was ruined when he drove into an approaching cow." --English Worksheet
--"You can't trick me with your Capitalist ways!" --Mike
--Mr. Harris: "Is anybody ready to go?"
Chris: "We're as ready as a prostitute on First Avenue."
--"¡Salve el Oso!" --Señor Coudret Translation: "Save the bear!"
--"Where's my grapes? --Antonio Added by Amy
--*Our group goes through the motions of ballot-voting in a skit in front of the class, Josh coughs, then everyone else in the group starts coughing, class looks confused* Added by Amy
--"You...you...*laughs*...you...must...*laughs*...you...must die!" --Sarah, Retold by Stephanie (Me) Added by Amy
--Amy: "Everybody jump up for me."
Me: "Why?"
Amy: "Because I'm the queen."
Added by Amy
--"2c or not 2c--take off your glasses." --Mr. York
--"So what do you do? Borrow. I'm robbing Old National bankrupt." --Mr. York
--"We're going to give Andy the string and have him climb the tree and when he falls out, we'll measure the string." --Mr. York
--"*another teacher walks in* Well, you have a guest speaker today. I'll see you later. *heads for door*" --Mr. York
--Boy in Hall as Kathy and I Pass By: "Hey, are you sleepwalking? 'Cause you're still in your pajamas."
Me: "Ha ha ha, that was intelligent. You fucking idiot."
Kathy: "*Kathy and boy look aghast* Oh, did you know him?"
Me: "No. *continue on my merry way*"
--Jimmy: "So you want my sweater, you want my book, what else do you want?"
Sarah: "I want your body. *everyone looks shocked* Just kidding."
--Craig W.: "*imitating the stereotype of a black person* Yo, dose shoes are phat."
Julio: "*imitating the stereotype of a white person* Thanks bruh-therrrr."
--"My dying wish is to have my body burned and my ashes taken to all of the people I have ever hated and cast in their eyes. 'Josiah says, "Hi."'" --Josiah
--"Here's something to say when you're confused: 'I'm as confused as a bisexual at an orgy'." --Josiah
--Mr. York: "So the scarecrow was wrong."
Andy: "Why'd he say that? I don't get it. I thought he got a brain."
--"You don't really need an helmet." --Me
--Mr. York: "Anyway, back to trigonometry. You guys keep trying to get me off the topic. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to get me to talk about fishing. Now, are there any questions?"
Jimmy: "*moment of silence* So you like fishing?"
--"I stutter when I write." --Mr. York
Jimmy: "So did he have a 6-inch or a 12-inch...meatball sub?"
Jamie: "*looks thoughtful* Twelve. *Jimmy screams with laughter* No, actually, I don't know, because I didn't do anything with him!"
--"Hey, everybody, everybody, everybody! Be quiet! I have a very important question to ask: *dramatic pause* Does anybody have some gum?" --Melissa
Lilian: "We have an alphabet quiz tomorrow!"
Jessica: "Oh, no! Do we have to spell them all right?"
--Lilian: "Something in here smells awful."
John: "Your breath is doing an U-turn."
--"Geez, it takes so much pride and strength to play high school baseball." --John
--Drew: "Lick your finger and smear the ink off."
John: "No! That would ruin the paper."
Drew: "I know, I just wanted to see if you were dumb enough to do it."
--"Would 'African languages' be like, 'Yo, what up, G-homedawg'?" --Drew
--"Keep the pen. Just never talk to me again." --John
--"Quiero una cama grande y...comfy." --Craig U. Translation: "I want a bed that is big and...comfy."
--"Chillin' - v. to get your pimp on." --Me
--"'Fools (Bigger)' is basically like 'Fools,' only bigger." -- Nathan
--"Have you heard that song that goes, 'What's your name? / Who's your daddy/' That is so cool!" --Melissa
--"He says, 'You're my gal and I'm your feller / Dress up in your frock of yeller.' Is that not genius?" --Melissa
--"Oh, really? Stephanie, Emily just informed me that we suck." --Melissa
--Melissa: "She called me an hippie!"
Emily: "Well, she was asking me about some hippie song..."
--"*reads lunch menu, looks confused* Isn't that what you had Friday?" --Mrs. Spalding
--Office 2000 Textbook: "Feel the Thrill...Seize the Slopes!"
Me: "Bark Like a Dog...Squeal Like a Pig!"
--"I hope you read the story. Because you have to tell us about your favorite part. Ha! *class laughs slightly, is silent* Okay. Good job. I'll sit back down now...thank you." --Adam
--"She said she would marry Theseus if he helped her kill the monster and he said, 'Sure thing.'" --Craig G.
--"And then, in the end, they get bitten by this three-headed dog thing." --Craig G.
--"My little brother is only 16 and he thinks he's the man. He just needs a beating every once in a while." --William
--Mrs. Berry: "Has this given you excessive pride?"
Ray: "Yeah, 'cause Will's scared of me now."
--Larissa: "I want to start home-schooling!"
Mr. Carter: "Again?!"
Larissa: "I've never been home-schooled!"
--"They think they're all dead; nothing like good news." --Mr. York
--"He hopes the policeman won't hold any grudges against him; he just tried to kill him." --Mr. York
--"I got a Miracle Ear for Christmas, but the battery keeps going dead. I got a pacemaker, too and I think the batteries are running low." --Mr. York
--"So what did I just prove? That I'm crazy." --Mr. York
--"*Andy yawns loudly* I didn't ask what your last date said when she left." --Mr. York
--"I'm not going to study and I'm not going to use a cheat sheet, either. So when I fail, you'll know why." --Andy
--"I have done a total of 10 hours' worth of homework since I came to Central High School." --Andy Did I mention that we're seniors?
--"*Jessica gets up to throw something away* Damn! A mutated sea-bass!" --Dustin
--Lianne: "I said, 'You guys are losers,' and she was like, 'Aaahahahahahahah!'"
Melissa C.: "Yeah, people do that when they're hyper."
--Lianne: "You've never heard the phrase 'slap-happy'?"
John: "I've heard it. But it means something different to a guy than it does to a girl."
--Vanessa: "It's just a pen!"
Melissa C.: "It's a pen that smells."
Vanessa: "It's just a pen that smells!"
--Daniel: "Loto."
Lianne: "Wow, he has a really deep voice. *imitating the Terminator* 'Loto.'"
--Craig U.: "*limps in* I just fell down the stairs."
Brian: "Really?"
Craig: "It hurts."
Laci: "Was it nice and dramatic?"
Craig: "No! That's the worst part, it wasn't even good. Everyone just stared."
--Lauren: "What happened?"
Craig U.: "I fell down the stairs."
Lauren: "Again?!"
Craig: "Yeah. It hurt."
--"Look! *pulls brand new projector-blind up and down, grins like an happy child* It's so nice...all the control..." --Señor Coudret
--Laci: "Es cerca de..."
Craig U.: "Nada. Es cerca de nada." Translation: Laci: "It's near..."
Craig: "Nothing. It's near nothing."
--"C-O-N-I-J-I-L-O...es...guinea pig." --Craig U.
--"I don't like the dried blood. I just like the blood. Juicy blood...anyone want some sausage?" --Craig U.
--"A burial place? Do I have one? No..." --Laci
--"*Señor Coudret shows the class a picture from the interior of el Escorial, Craig looks awed* Es tan bonita que yo..." --Craig U. Translation: "It's as beautiful as me..." --Craig U.
--"Estoy gordo, porque estoy bien." --Señor Coudret Translation: "I'm fat, but I'm okay." --Mr. Coudret
--"How many of you can't roll your r's yet? *numerous students raise their hands* Woah. Have you tried therapy? Tongue therapy? *class laughs* No, this is serious!" --Señor Coudret
--"Mmm-gayyyy..." --Craig
--"Mountain Dew does my body good." --Josh
--Antonio: "'That man is pure baleful.'"
Mrs. Berry: "Okay, let's look at that sentence. 'That man is pure baleful.' What could we use to replace the 'pure'? Because the 'pure' doesn't really fit. It would sound better to say, 'That man is very baleful.' Or, 'That man is extremely baleful,' or, 'highly' baleful."
--"I've never watched 'Baywatch' before, but if they wore winter coats, I might start." --Adam
--Mrs. Berry: "William, why don't you come up and put one of your sentences on the board? You seem to be popular with the two back rows."
William: "Ah, come on! I'm trying to do homework for next period!"
Mrs. Berry: "Wait a minute. You're doing someone else's homework?"
William: "No, it's mine."
--"Do not defile the earth." --Someone's Idea of a Sentence Utilizing the English Vocabulary Word "Defile"
--"Bill Clinton has been denigrated." --Someone's Idea of a Sentence Utilizing the English Vocabulary Word "Denigrate"
--"O.J. was denigrated." --Someone's Idea of a Sentence Utilizing the English Vocabulary Word "Denigrate"
--"In the ghetto, everything is defiled." --William's Friend's Idea of a Sentece Utilizing the English Vocabulary Word "Defile"
--Mr. Harris: "You okay?"
William: "Yeah."
Mr. Harris: "Okay, I was just making sure, I thought you might have passed out or something."
William: "No. Not yet."
--"Now, which would you rather have? A truck or a stupid piece of plastic? A truck or a stupid, sexist piece of plastic?" --Mr. Carter
--Adam: "Erect-a-Sets. Remember Erect-a-Sets?"
Travis: "Erect-a-Sets were too hard for me. I gave up on them."
--Mr. York: "I was threatened several times."
Me: "Just not bribed."
--"'Hi, I'm Jamie, I open doors for fun!'" --Craig
--"I was asking them if they would like some chicken--pollo--and I said polla instead. That's Spanish slang for "dick"--oh, wait a minute, I can't say--oh, I already did. I looked around, anyway, and her face was bright red and she said, 'No, thank you.' Her little boy was on the ground rolling with laughter." --Señor Coudret
--"Visitamos Florida y el...Disney-Mundo." --Lauren Translation: "We visit Florida and...Disney-World."
--"I hope we kill more time today. Killing time is fun." --Me
--"I cut myself on the toilet paper dispenser. Those things are tricky." --Me
--Laura: "Well, I'd rather it be that than lice..."
Me: "What...did...what?"
--Man in Never Been Kissed: "I can never look at you in the same way again."
Dad: "Yeah, now he can look at her naked!"
--"I have an easy rule for remembering this: Keep your legs together. *class looks up in surprise* 'A' and 'B' are the legs, and if you add their squares, they equal 'C'. --Mr. York
--"You know, it's sad. Someday, the six- and seven-year-olds of today are going to be seniors, sitting around a lunch table, saying, 'Remember "The Teletubbies"? *sigh* That was great.'" --Me
--"Satan Is a Nerd!" --Ryan
--Mademoiselle Ross: "Does anybody know why people speak French in all different parts of the world? How did that happen?"
Ryan: "Like, a long time ago, all of the countries were, like, one big mass and, like, French people were, you know, all over the place and then the land mass, like, split apart into different countries and stuff and now people all over, like speak French."
Me: "Oh...my...God..."
Mlle Ross: "It's true that that did happen long ago, with the land mass...anybody else? Anyone else have any ideas?"
--"I know you have a boyfriend and all, but, Amy...let's conjugate." --Me
--"I may not be able to make a webpage myself, but I can live vicariously through Stephanie's page!" --Emily
--Sangeeta: "Is it new? Or old-type...stuff?"
Jamie G.: "No, it's...old-type stuff."
--"You know--it's a tarantula burrough!" --Lori
--"It's coming out of the hole...it's coming out of the hole? That means it's feeding. I saw that on the Discovery Channel." --Lori
--Remember: Missiles are illegal here. It's in the school rules." --Mr. Harris
--"So don't bring your grenades to school." --Mr. Harris
--Louis: "Hey, Coinage--"
Me: "Louis, never call me that again."
--"Sacajaweas in the sky / And George Washington feels cheated / But that's okay / Because he's got the quarter..." --Louis' improvisational song about coins
--*rolls up her dress pants to look like high-waters* "It makes me look like Sacajawea!" --Heather
--"I don't remember barking, but okay..." --Me
--*in the middle of a traffic jam* "Okay. It's time to break out, 'Everybody Hurts.' *Heather laughs* Uh, no, I really brought it..." --Me
--*takes videotape out of VCR, rubs it against his shirtless chest, groans erotically* "It feels so good against my naked body." --Nathan By the way, that was a joke. I laughed myself silly.
--Man in Truck: *as Heather walks by in Tommy Girl shirt* "Tommy Girl!"
Me: *sarcastic laugh* "It's good to know the illiteracy rate in America isn't as bad as we'd thought."
--"Burnt Poplar Rd." --Street Sign in North Carolina
--Duron: *after we stop to ask an eccentric old woman directions* "Cocaine in the veins...if that old woman wasn't high, I don't know what was wrong with her."
Heather: "She was just some nice old lady."
Duron: "Yeah, she patted my chest, made my nipples all hard." Besides jumping around hyperactively and laughing maniacally several times, the woman reached in the car window and patted Duron's chest, inexplicably.
--Heather: "Maybe she wants to rub on your titties some more."
Duron: "I hope not. She ain't got no teeth."
--Duron: "'Breakdance, Granny!'"
Heather: "'Can you do an headspin?'"
Duron: "She probably could, whatever she was on."
--"Okay, Catdaddy said to turn at the light." --Duron He was referring to the old woman.
--"Stinking Creek Rd." --Street Sign in Tennessee
--Duron: "I don't like this road. Feels like I'm going to run right off it."
Heather: "Maybe that's because you're trying to do ninety."
Duron: "What?! I was doing one hundred."
--Duron: "Hey, Steph, if I married your sister, would you call me your brother-in-law?"
Me: "Uh...sure." ?
--"'Rollin'--rollin'--rollin' on the river--' 'Sing it right, Tina! Smack!' *high voice* 'Rollin'--rollin'--rollin' on the river." --Duron I think he was falling asleep at the wheel or something. It was funny to listen to him, though.
--Me: "Hey, Dad, Josiah called to tell me that they ruled against Napster. So I guess it's going to be shut down or something."
Dad: "It doesn't matter. Where Napster goes down, two more just like it will come up in its place."
Me: "Yeah, that's what Josiah said, too."
Dad: "Yeah? Well, maybe Josiah doesn't know everything!"
Me: "Um...he was agreeing with you, but okay, whatever."
--Woman on Cellular Phone: *Heather's walkie-talkie begins picking up a cellular phone call* "I can't seem to find it anywhere, do you remember--"
Jeremy: *picks up walkie-talkie, hits "talk"* "This is Big Daddy, I'm comin' into Alabama, over."
Man on Truck Radio: "Bring it on in, Big Daddy, over."
Woman: "It's a red corvette, I can't seem to remember where I parked it--"
Jeremy: *hits "talk"* "So?"
Woman: *pauses* "I don't remember where it's parked--"
Jeremy: *hits "talk"* "It is my duty to take care of da booty." *woman pauses again*
Me: "They can't really hear what you're saying, can they?"
Heather: *everyone glances up disinterestedly, shrugs* "I don't know. Probably."
--"This is the story of a girl / Who looks like monsters chewed on her feet." --Heather's parody of Nine Days' "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)"
--"Hey, Drew--*holds up magazine with "Why?" in hidelines on the cover and shrugs*" --Trent
--"So Mary hadn't had sex up to that point--who's to say she never did?" --Christine
--"This is, like, the hottest I've been." --Jennifer
--Christy: "She looks like a guy."
Me: "Well, she was, until that little...accident."
--Frida Kahlo Quote: "Diego gave it to me in the hospital and I wanted to paint it."
Me: "Her uterus? The flower? What?"
--Andy: "Mr. Orth has a monkey."
Frida Kahlo Film: "Monkeys are a sign of fertility and promiscuity."
--"Mr. Orth and his monkey." --Christy
--Christine: "Obituarios."
Me: "'Huh huh, you said, "bitch."'" (According to Spanish phonetics, this is pronounced o-bee-too-arr-ee-ose, but Christine, like everyone else in our Spanish class, Americanizes it to oh-bitch-oo-ar-ee-ohs.)
--Mr. Knopfmeier: "Why don't they call anti-freeze 'anti-froil'? Or 'anti-breeze'?"
Devon: "Ha ha, witty."
--"Don't look at them, look at me! They're not important, I'm important! Uh...no offense, folks." --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"It's masturbate--an' I helped!" --James B.
--"Well, think about it--which do you need more, a toilet or a Picasso piece?" --Christy
--"I think this is Surrealist. And I think it's in sideways. But I wouldn't swear it." --Mrs. Dowhie
--Robert Indiana made this Love sculpture and didn't copyright it and everyone and their brother made money off of this." --Mrs. Dowhie
--"Oop, it's the Lady Marmalade picture again." --Me
--"Hey, Marcus, when am I gonna get my M.C. Hammer CD back?" --Dustin
--"Don't let your mom find that fish." --Jessica
--Jessica: "Country music mostly sounds like the same song over and over, with a few different notes and lyrics."
Me: "Yeah, and they all have really dramatic titles, like, 'If You Ever Leave Me, I Will Hunt You down and Kill You (But at Least I'll Have My Dog)'. I mean, 'But at Least I'll Have My Cat.' I mean, 'Sheep.' I mean--" Thanks is due to Nathan, for suggesting the title, "If You Ever Leave Me, I Will Hunt You down and Kill You" as a likely name for a country song...at least, I hope he made that one up and there isn't a real one out there by that title...
--"'Oh, boo, he made me drop the soap!'" --Me
--"Um, Mr. Martin, not to hate on you or criticize you or anything, but that's a really bad idea." --Andy
--"You could tell when Picasso got mad at one of his wives, because that was when he started to make her look bitchy and ugly." --Mrs. Dowhie
--Mrs. Berry: "I think someone else was going to use my room this morning, so they turned on the air-conditioner, then decided to go elsewhere."
Me: "Hunt them down and kill them."
--"I'm never going to get married. At least I'll have my little pets." --Jennifer
--"Strive for perfection, Señora." --Christine
--"Señora, may I...um...beber agua?" --Heather H. (The phrase "beber agua" means, literally translated "to drink water"; Heather was again employing the use of Spanglish)
--Señora Smith: "What was I thinking?"
Adam: "The question is, what were you smoking?"
Señora: "Well, I--pardoname?!"
--Jennifer: "How did I get these marks on my legs?"
Jessica: "It's from being on your knees so much."
--Jana: "I think I'm failing this class."
Audrey: "I think your hair is falling out."
Jana: "Good!"
--Mrs. Dowhie: "What image appeared again and again in Gauguin's paintings?"
Andy: "Cornbread."
--Mrs. Dowhie: "What else did Gauguin use in his work?"
Andy: "A lot of cornbread."
--Mrs. Dowhie: "What did the Polynesians invent?"
Andy: "Flame throwers. They liked to roast ham."
--Mrs. Dowhie: "Van Gogh drank a lot of absynth, which causes hallucinations."
Me: "And, thus, his fine works."
--Film on Van Gogh: "He fell in love with an older prostitute with syphillus and a four-year-old daughter."
Mrs. Dowhie: "He sure knew how to pick 'em, didn't he?"
--Christine: "There's something so...I don't know."
Me: "There's something so beer-commercialish about it."
--"Yeah, beat the hen! Beat it!" --Me
--"Where do we come from? What are we? Where are we going?" --Gauguin Painting
--"*turns off air-conditioner, it suddenly starts dripping* I so did not do that." -- Andy
--Me: "How does it feel to be drinking the official drink of the AVP?"
Christine: *takes a drink of her Sunkist, pauses dramatically* "Satiating."
--Mr. Knopfmeier: "If I touch this, I'm going to get an electric charge. I don't want that electric charge."
Devon: "Do it!"
Mr. Knopfmeier: "I don't think so."
Justin: "Prove it!"
Jimmy: "I'll give you $10!"
Mr. Knopfmeier: "I'll need a little more than that."
Jimmy: "$20!"
Mr. Knopfmeier: "No...now, this is hot. I don't know how to show you how hot it is..."
Devon: "Touch it!"
--"Who says chemistry isn't cool?" *everyone behind him raises their hand at the same time (me included...good grief, Charlie Brown)quickly puts them down and looks innocent when he turns to face them* --Mr. Knopfmeier
--Mr. Knopfmeier: "Now, why do I say solutions are temperature-dependent?"
Audrey: "Because it depends on temperature? Possibly? I don't know...Stupid questions deserve stupid answers."
--"We're not going to be here tomorrow! Ha ha ha ha ha!--Sorry." --Christy
--"Yeah! Scientific calculators rule! Suck it, all your regular calculators!" --Christy
--"Yeah, that's a shady deal." --Mrs. Powers
--"National Reject Films. There's a website full of them." --Christy
--Jennifer: "I think I'm getting sick, man."
Jessica: "No one cares."
--"Your lab fee money went out and bought me some alcohol. Be careful with that, now..." --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"I'm a chemist. I have to live up to my name. I add other chemicals to my tea...hey, be careful with that, too." --Mr. Knopfmeier
--Christine: "He had sex with a what?"
Geoff: "That sounds different."
--"The Honeybear Clinic...what the hell?" --Me
--Chris: "The Great Spanish Teacher Cop-Out."
Señora Smith: "¡Quayate, Cristóbal!" (Translation: "Shut up, Cristopher!")
--Mark: "That's Jimmy and his left hand."
Jimmy: "My right hand."
Mark: "Uh...I didn't want to know that."
--"Move your corpulent body!...I love Etymology sometimes." --Christy
--"Huh huh. She said, 'hookers.'" --Dan
--Christine: "God dammit!"
Me: "What?"
Christine: "I don't know. I just feel like saying, 'God dammit,' a lot."
--"I didn't say anything about you! Shut up!" --Christine
--Amy K.: "I love you, Stephanie."
Me: "What did I do?"
Amy K.: "Nothing. I just love you."
Me: "What did you do?"
--"Many of his friends were musicians and you could hear the sounds that they made." --Film on Degas
--Mr. Martin: *female students continually question grade on English worksheet* "See me about that after class."
Jeff: "You'll notice he only says that to girls."
--Sangeeta: "What does it mean when you draw a squiggly line under something?"
Jeff: "'Come see me after class.'"
--Mr. Martin *Lauren raises hand* "A question?"
Lauren: "Oh, nevermind, I'll see you after class about that. Sorry."
--"I had a rice cake today--naughty! Three hours of excercising for me tonight!" --Josiah
--"And you can tell them your name and they'll be like, '¡Viva, Josiah!' or whatever." --Josiah
--"That wouldn't in any way pertain to school unless there was a Whoring 101." --Josiah
--"Hay...las escenas dramaticas, pero ellos llegan las ropas." *class makes disappointed sounds* --Señora Smith Translation: "There are...dramatic scenes, but they wear clothes."
--"Yeah, this one time, I was driving and this old guy just ran into my car! I was like, 'What the hell, man, that's my car!"--and he tried to sue me!" --Me No, actually, that never really happened. My friends and I were poking fun at some idiot before school who was trying to look cool in front of his friends by claiming he'd been hit by a train because he "hadn't seen it coming."
--Spanish Worksheet: "'En la clase de español un chico me molesta mucho. Habla mucho en español y ríe por toda la hora.' 'No te olvides de hablarle a la profe de este problema." Translation: "'In Spanish class a boy bothers me a lot. He talks a lot in Spanish and laughs the entire time.' 'Don't forget to talk to tell the teacher of this problem.'"
Me: "Te recomiendo que tú mates el chico." (Translation: "I recommend that you kill the boy.")
Señora Smith: "Ha."
Spanish Worksheet: "'Mi perro come mi tarea. Mi profe no acepta la tarea tarde. Completo la tarea pero la profe no me cree. Ahora recibo una F.' 'Has pensado en matar el perro?'" (Translation: "'My dog ate my homework. The teacher does not accept the homework late. I completed the homework but the teacher doesn't believe me. Now I received an F.' 'Do you think I should kill my dog?'")
Me: "Te sugiero que tú mates el perro tonto." (Translation: "I suggest that you kill the dumb dog.")
Señora Smith: "¿Violento?"
--"The bubonic plague did suck--the life out of Europe." --Andy
--Señora Smith: "Oh, woops, I did that wrong!"
Christine: "Dumb ho!"
--Señora Smith: "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Christine: "Well, you should be. BITCH."
--"I think that you should kill your dog about that." --Me
--"I have yet to come across any kind of learning that is fun." --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"Watch, she's gonna turn off the movie, 'Just kidding, guys, here are the real movies.'" --Christy
--"That's the problem with being an optimist, you get let down so often." --Christy
--"Oh, God, I cursed in a church--twice!" --Me
Mrs. Dowhie: "Does anyone here play an instrument?"
Amy A.: "I play my CD player sometimes. If it's not handy, I just play a cassette or something."
--Boy: "Hey, no drinking on the art trip, Dowhie!"
Mrs. Dowhie: "I was trying to warm up..."
--Boy 1: "Let's go--NUTS!"
Boy 2: "Who's/Whose nuts?"
Boy 1: "Dowhie's nuts!" I should probably explain that on an art field trip I took recently, two freshmen in the back of the bus took every opportunity to work the word "nuts" into conversation; they gave up, in the end, and just began yelling, "Nuts!" at random.
--Ellen: "Mrs. Dowhie's really good at making people feel...special."
Me: "What, like special-ed?"
--"What the hell is a johnny, anyway?" --Dad
--"Work on this study guide. If you don't feel like doing it, you can sleep." --Mrs. Dowhie
--"Señora, you really shouldn't be calling me a retard." --Dustin
--"*in reflexive, monotone voice* What? You suck." --Christine
--Dustin: "Señora, can you tell us when this gets to question number two?"
Mrs. Smith: "No. *cracks up at self*"
--"There were two bands you didn't tell us about. You didn't tell us about. You didn't tell us about." --Christine
--"Maná was the first, Maná was the first!" --Christine
--Christine: "How the fuck was I supposed to know that?"
Me: "She told us that earlier."
Christine: "How the fuck was I supposed to be listening?
--"Me encanta mi mono." --Christine Translation: "I love my monkey."
--"Yes, um, what was the answer to that? I wasn't listening. I mean, uh--I was...writing...something..." --Deanna
--"Oh, good, I did it wrong, okay." --Me
--"I saw your mom with an old man again last night...Actually, your mom was with an old woman last night." --Laura
--Me: "¡Tu no sabes lo que estoy diciendo! ¡Tu necesitas a un traductor leer esto! ¡Espero que tu encontraras buen, Jack! ¿¡Por qué tu no estás trabajando en tu discurso inglés, hmmmm, Jack?! ¿Tu deseas saber cuáles tu eres? ¡Tu, mi amiga, eres un gran grande cuchara JACK! ¡Yo ríe en tu dirección general y señala mi paja en ti! ¡Tome eso! ¡Y Eso! ¡Tu eres una persona tonta, entretenida! ¡Tu estás en mi clase inglesa! ¡Té quiénes tu eres, solamente no té dónde tu vives! ¡BARCO! ¡BARCO! ¡BARCO!"
Ellen: "HOLY SHIT!" Translation: "You do not know what I am saying! You need a translator to read this! I hope you found a good one, JACK! Why are you not working on your English speech, HMMMM, *JACK*?! Do you want to know what YOU are? YOU, my FRIEND, are a GREAT BIG *SPOON*, *JACK*! I laugh in your general direction and point my straws at you! Take THAT! And THAT! You are a silly, entertaining person! You are in my English class! I know who you are, but I DO NOT know where you live! BOAT! BOAT! BOAT!"
--Pablo: *stretches, groans loudly during a presentation, entire class turns to stare at him*
Señora Smith: "¡Pablo! ¡Que rudo!" (Translation:"Adam! How rude!")
Pablo: "What?! It was my stomach growling!"
Señora Smith: "Guapo, no molesta a Laura." (Translation:"Dustin, don't bother Lori.")
Guapo: "Wha--she molested me! I feel terrible now!"
--"*in lab coat and safety glasses* I feel so sexy...are we having fun, Stephanie?" --Jamie J.
--"Once the seats are filled, baby, that's it!" --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"Yea, we're better than third period!" --Laurel
--"This is me and this is Emmy and we're naked." --Jamie S., describing in the voice of a small child a picture Emmy drew
--"Man, what's up with you and your fucking nose?" --Some guy in the hallway
--"¡Mi perro come mis juevos! Necesito ir!" *runs out of room in middle of class* --Benjamin Translation:
"My dog is eating my eggs! I have to go!" *runs out of room in middle of class* --Isaac
--"Good job, JACKASS." --Me
--"Yeah, we stoiced it, baby!" --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"May I rub your sweaty back, Mark?" --Jimmy Apparently, this has something to do with a sexual molestation film they watched back in the Boy Scouts years ago...I thought it sounded funny even before they explained it to me
--"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you're a boring person." --Josiah
--"Just an hour of your time a week--the benefits will last an eternity!" --Josiah on church
--"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHICKEN?! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CHICKEN?!" --Jeremiah, completely out of nowhere, whilst playing a video game
--"There's always been somethin' up. That's why I say, 'Nothin.' It's a joke." --Boy in hall when asked "What's up?"
--"I think you have Torgo on the brain, sweetheart." --Peter when I accidentally called him by someone else's name
--Pablo: "How do you say, 'Gregorio's mother es fire' en español? Gregorio's mamá hace calor. MUY."
Señora Smith: "¡Pablo! ¡Enfermo!" Translation:
Adam: "How do you say, 'Greg's mother is fire' in Spanish? Greg's mom is hot. VERY."
Mrs. Smith: "Adam! Sick!"
--Benjamin: (out of nowhere, in middle of class) "Mis juevos son bonitos."
Señora Smith: "Benjamin, no hables o--'x'."
Benjamin: "My eggs are beautiful."
Señora: "¡'X'!" Translation
Isaac: "My eggs are beautiful."
Mrs. Smith: "Isaac, don't talk or--'x.'"
Isaac: "My eggs are beautiful."
Mrs. Smith: "'X'!" When you talk too much in class, you get an "X" on your report card under "Comments." Yes, very childish.
"Get ready to stoic it, baby!" --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"I saw your mom with an old man last night! She was giving him a bath!" --Laura (she works with my mother--at a nursing home)
--Me: (folding the clean laundry) "Is this your 'Earth Day' shirt?"
Jeremiah: "Fuck, no! I ain't no God damned hippie!"
--"It's not that I don't like you; you just get really annoying sometimes." --Sarah
--"If you kick me one more time, I will break off your God damned foot and hand it to you." --Sarah
--"I love you so much, I can only laugh at you." --Jimmy
--Mr. Knopfmeier: "What kind of stoichiometry is this?"
Jamie J.: "Moles to mass stoichiometry."
Mr. Knopfmeier: "Why?"
Jamie J.: "Um...because they give you the mass and you find the moles?"
Mr. Knopfmeier: "Uh...I think we'd better read this again..."
--"Stoic it, baby!" --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"You were there, and then you and this other girl came over and sat down...wait, that was your dad." --Girl in hall
-"You just won twenty-five THOUSAND...test tubes." *class looks at him blankly* "No, just kidding. *teacher begins cracking up at himself; class pauses and joins in sarcastically*" -- Mr. Knopfmeier
"Stoic it, baby!" --Mr. Knopfmeier
--"I don't hate you. To hate somebody, you have to actually care enough to give a shit about them. And you're just below that. I don't even care that you exist. It just doesn't matter to me. If that helps any." --Christine
--Me: "But I hate milk..."
Christine: "You damned homophobe!"
--Mrs. Ballard: "Does anybody know what *narcolepsy* is?"
Me: "Narcolepsy is when you, uh, fall asleep out of nowhere."
Dianna: "Narcolepsy? Isn't that when, um...what is that?"
Christine: "When you fall asleep out of nowhere."
Dianna: "Oh!"
