--"Beauty like mine shouldn't be kept from the public." --Alice's son Mike
--"If I want to go to a good restaurant, I'll go to a good restaurant, and if I want to look at titties, I'll just get on the Internet and order a pizza." --Brian, on Hooters
--"I make good pancakes. *when I don't respond* Yeah. That's right. You can't say nothin' about it. You just know. Without tasting." --Brendan
--"I've stopped eating anything made of animal stuff, which I guess means I'm vegan, though technically not, because I'm pretty sure my Reeboks are made of leather." --Gina
--"You ever have those mornings in which you wake up, and you feel perfectly fine, but for some reason, within half an hour to an hour, you just feel like a complete failure, and you start writing in run-on sentences?" --Mark
--"Charles Bronson Fucking Sucked in Deathwish 4." --Mark H.'s song title
--"HOLY SHIT, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND I WAS IN IRAQ." --Erik
--"That'd be great, if I opened up an envelope and heard laughter. And then came down with the bird flu." --Brendan
--"By all means, don't fund Gary Glitter's latest child-targeting schemes by buying any of his work. Just download it and laugh at it. You know it's the right thing to do." --Mark
--"I beg to differ. Please, let me differ. UNGH." --Brendan
--"I AM NOT JUST SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT DEPECHE MODE AND MOVIES, EATING FOOD!" --Nathan
--Me: "The laundry is calling. I have to go for the night."
Tyler: "Nooooo. Don't go. : ^("
Me: "I have to or some Mexicans are gonna steal all my nice underwear."
Tyler: "I'm so torn..."
Me: "Between?"
Tyler: "Between you staying or you having your underwear. Hmmm...you stay."
--"Last night my car was stolen while I was in Newark. Later, we found a ton of my stuff on the side of the road. My things are too lame for even car thieves." --Liz
--"I have dual monitors at work now. Which means, I can waste TWICE AS MUCH TIME BY UPDATING LIVEJOURNAL! It's really an amazing thing." --Andy
--Me: "What do you think of fruitcake?"
Brendan: "Never had it. Sounds horrible."
Me: "Most people I know hate it, and whenever I'm offered some, I almost always refuse, but it really could be worse. Not much, but, yeah, worse."
Brendan: "I want to know why it exists."
--"I was eyeing one of the $25/month studio apartments. I mean, $425. $25 a month? Sure, sign me up." --Brendan
--"How to be Awesome: Volume One. 1) Run out of gas on the drive to work. 2) Have a gas can that doesn't function right, spilling gas all over your hands. 3) Be 30 minutes late to work.--Next time, on How To Be Awesome: hitting a nail through your foot by accident! Stay tuned." --Andy
--Tyler: "What bothered me most about it was that she looked like Bjork to me, and I HATE Bjork."
Me: "Yeah, that was a Bjorkish look."
Tyler: "Ugh. Just that word alone makes me want to choke her. Bjorkish."
--"I'm reading about an asteroid that might hit the earth in 2036. And cause, like, extinction and stuff." --Brendan
--"It would be cheaper just to get 306 horses." --Nathan, during a car commercial
--"I'd like to put all of you on an island and blow you up." --Leslie
--"Yes, we all know how space-age Trident is." --Tyler
--"As if I didn't have enough talents already, I discovered I am awesome at making pies. Life just isn't fair to people who aren't me." --Emily
--Brian S.: "Smile came out today. Anyone buy it? I did."
Jason K.: "I got it!!!! Oh, wait, that was the new Elvis Costello album I got. Sorry!!"
--"You need to practice the art of checking one's self before wrecking one's self." --Brendan
--"That's a nice rainbow." --Brendan
--Brendan: "Did you see my reply and entry?"
Me: "Yeah, I saw that."
Brendan: "Okay."
Me: "I'm slow to respond, unfortunately."
Brendan: "Apparently."
Me: "Apparently."
Brendan: "Yertle the Turtle, over here."
Me: "Excuse me, I am Myrtle. Yertle is over at the snack bar."
Brendan: "That...is very...Mark, right there."
Me: "Okay. The game is up. I am really Mark. Ha ha, man, I really had you going. For months."
Brendan: "Wow. How'd you fit into that costume?"
Me: "Dude. what costume? what are you talking about? you never saw me."
Brendan: "So then...um...shit. *jumps out the window, splatters on the pavement*"
Me: "dude it was just a joke."
Brendan: "You read my mind. I thought...'Now if only she'd start typing like him.'"
Me: "im just slipping back into my old ways."
Brendan: "Seriously? No."
Me: "my old markish ways."
Brendan: "You can't be serious. No! NOOOO!!!"
Me: "Well, no, I couldn't be."
Brendan: "*jumps out the window again*"
--"When I woke up, I thought it was Friday. I'm always amazed when Sunday feels like four weekdays." --Erica
--"I suppose a concert and a lead singer with a lowcut dress will do that to you." --Andy
--"UNGH, indeed." --Brendan
--Brendan: "I might leave in a while to see if I can get back into my building."
Me: "Break in!"
Brendan: "Heh. No."
--"You own my soul at this game." --Brendan, on Literati
--Me: *plays "most" for five points* "That sucked."
Peter: *plays "lent" for five points* "That sucked."
--Brendan: "*waits...sorta impatiently...taps foot...shakes leg*"
Me: "*crosses arms*"
Brendan: "*does that, too*"
Me: "You just stow that attitude, mister!"
Brendan: "*jumps up and down like a five year old*"
--Brendan: "I'm gonna go in about thirty minutes to get some lunch."
Me: "Y'okay. Oh, man! I have a salad in the fridge! I just remembered! That makes me all excited."
Brendan: "Oooh."
Me: "Not like that! SALAD excited!"
Brendan: "Yes, it does."
--Nathan's headline: "Janet Leigh Dies, Not in the Shower."
Andrew: "They were making fun of it on the radio today, playing the shower scene with different music, like 'The Mexican Hat Dance' and other funny music. It was pretty fucking hilarious."
Grant: "I hope someone does something like that for me when I die."
--Me: "You're that guy who tried to mug me at Mesker Zoo last week, aren't you?"
Amante: "Except you weren't as Mesker Zoo."
Me: "...I guess it might have been someone else."
Amante: "Perhaps at a different zoo, as well."
--Brendan: *plays "laid"* Only down by 70 now."
Me: *plays "scored"*"
Brendan: "At least we're in the same mindset."
--Amante: "Can we skip me being a professor and the messy hair and just fuck on a desk instead?"
Me: "Is that what professors do?"
Amante: "Do you want an A+ in Amante-a-nese or not?"
Me: "Wull...yes, sir!"
Amante: "Then fill me out like an application for a grant."
--Brendan: "How is 'fakir' a word?!"
Me: "Indian fakirs! You know, whirling dervishes?"
Brendan: "You are full of shit. Indian shit."
--Me: "I even gave her a psychology test, which she did extremely well on."
Dad: "You asked her her name?"
Me: "...I have her application and all at work...unless that was a weird joke..."
Dad: "The old 'Psych Test' question..."
Me: "That was! I should have known! You and your weird old psych test jokes!"
Dad: "...'PSYCH!'"
--"Does anyone else find it ironic that Jesus was a carpenter's son (or whatever) and got nailed to a cross?" --Jason
--"This is gonna be an ugly, bloody game. This is gonna be like a football game in frozen mud. This is gonna be like sex with no lube. This is gonna be like riding a seatless bicycle. This is gonna be like Shaq getting beat up by a midget." --Brendan
--"Mark can't make up his mind about anything. He's away! He's idle! He's no longer idle! He's returned! He's idle! He needs an oil change! He's stalled on the interstate!" --Brendan
--Tyler: "Want a chip?"
Me: "How out-of-date are they? *knocks the bag out of his hand; they fall to the ground, but the bag remains closed*"
Tyler: "Nooo! They weren't out-of-date at all! And you've ruined them! You chip-ruining whore!"
--Peter: "Does your store sell condoms?"
Me: "Yes. They're behind the counter, so anyone who wants them has to ask for them."
Peter: "Oh, that's cruel."
--"Be a monkey when you're sixty." --John
--"STEPHANIE YOU WOULD COME ONLINE JUST AS I'M GOING TO BED. I mean...hi!" --Mark
--"This sounds like the plot for a movie. You should play the role of you. You'd be perfect." --Brendan
--Brendan: "*instant hard-on*"
Me: "Hahahaha, are you serious?"
Brendan: "Well, not instant."
--Brendan: "What time were you born on your birthday?"
Me: "11:00 P.M. Central Standard Time."
Brendan: "So technically, you and Nathan have the same birthday."
Me: "Yes. I should make him wait until Tuesday to give me any presents. I don't like taking things from him when I can't give anything back."
Brendan: "You're always like that. So am I. Unless I'm borrowing a dollar from someone I don't like. Then I'm all, 'Hey, thanks. Fuck you. I'm not paying you back. By the way, I fucked your sister.'"
--"Oops, my bad...vision." --Peter
--"Jennifer Lopez is supposed to be pregnant. I wonder if that means she'll get a huge ass...oh, wait..." --Corto
--"This isn't worksafe, unless you work somewhere awesome, like a sex farm." --a different Mark
--Me: "AOL froze again."
Brendan: "AOL's a bitch. But you're over there, takin' it like a G."
--"And remember, kids: don't go to Burger King or you could be a target of an Islamic jihad!" --Brian
--"How the fuck can I take him seriously when he ends it with, 'Ya heard?'" --Gina
--"In Heaven, there will be more Nazis to catch." --Nathan, on Simon Wiesenthal's death
--"I'm going back to bed. I'm not waking up until this baby wants out." --Leslie
--"It should be legal for two consenting adults to challenge each other to a duel and fight a Death Match." --OKCupid politics test
--"Nothing pissed me off today. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention." --Josiah
--Andy: "Who here likes...stuff?"
Me: "I prefer things."
Jason: "Big fan of items. Items, anyone?"
Andrea: "I'm liking the items."
--Jason: "OMG. You guys. Seriously. I don't know. I have nothing to say."
Me: "OMGZ Jazon lets all go blow Tom!"
Jason: "OMG. YER SO RAHGHT! *BL...* Hey, wait a minute. You almost got me."
--"YES. FINALLY. Like, I waited my entire life for them. HelLO?!" --Brendan, when his cable modem finally works again
--Me: "Be young. Have fun. Drink Cheerwine."
Brendan: "I'd like to."
--"I like a lot of people. Most of them are hookers." --Jason
--Jason: "To my knowledge, we've never gone out."
Me: "Except that one time in Mexico."
Jason: "Yeah. That was the best sex we never had."
--Brendan: "I'm listening to the Talking Heads CD now."
Me: "Oh? What track? Or if you'd rather not talk about it, that's cool, too."
Brendan: "Why do you think I don't wanna talk about it?"
Me: "I don't know. I don't like discussing music when I'm first taking it in."
Brendan: "Ohh. I don't mind making comments. Always remember: I don't have pet-peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."
Me: "Isn't loud typing a pet peeve of yours?"
Brendan: "Yuh-HUH. *throws keyboard across room*"
Me: "YEAH!"
Brendan: "*smashes it goooood*"
--Me: "How's everything at work?"
Tyler: "I've been shot twice and they made fun of my mom several times."
--"Everybody's always winning Oscars for Woody Allen movies except Woody Allen." --Nathan
--Tyler, to the Coke representative: "If you bring us Barq's root beer, Stephanie will blow you. She's really good, too."
Me: "Fuck off, Tyler."
Tyler: "What? You sound all offended or something!"
--"Speaking of Lovecraft, I went clubbing with him last night. Yes, I know he's been dead for 68 years. Dreams are funny like that, you know?" --Josiah
--Me: "I'm going to go so I can eat dinner."
Tyler: "Noooo! I have food here! I will fill your tummy with love! It's low-sodium!"
-Joe: "I was like, 'All the girls treat me good...just not Melissa,' and Mom was like, 'That's because Melissa's a fucking whore.'"
Gina: "I think I love your mom."
--"Too bad you shop without me." --Tyler
--Tyler: "I love the whirrrrrrrrring of grasshoppers. That is summer."
Me: "That sound you hear during the day?"
Tyler: "Yeah."
Me: "I love that. I have never been able to put it into words."
Tyler: "Reminds me of Winston-Salem."
Me: "It reminds me of Florida. Summer morning, smell of grass in the air, the way the sun fell over the street, and the empty park down the road..."
Tyler: "Water balloons, beating the crap out of our magnolia with a stick..."
--"I knew exactly where to hit that magnolia to make it fall apart." --Tyler
--Me: "So what are your current plans for the evening?"
Tyler: "Nothing, so far. I was hoping we could hang out or something. But if you feel like being alone...too bad. You're coming over."
--"I remember one week, after my dad put up a basketball hoop for me, I had more fun beating the crap out of the solidified leftover bag of cement than I ever did with the basketball post." --Tyler
--Me: "What is this music the Weather Channel's playing over the local forecast?"
Brendan: "It's their own music. It's the only song they play during the local forecast, now. It SUCKS."
Me: "Maybe Jim Cantore writes it."
Brendan: "Good reporter, bad composer."
--"The only problem I have with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory concerns the protagonist, Charlie Bucket. I believe some horrible fate should have befallen him, as well as the other children. He may not have been a brat, but he was a little pansy." --Josiah
--Man in Ball Park Franks commercial: "You know what I really hate? Guys who are always talking on their cell phone."
Nathan: "He should have cursed a lot more in that commercial, like, 'You know what I can't fucking stand? MOTHA' FUCKAS ALWAYS ON THEIR GOD DAMNED CELL PHONES!'"
--"Any movie that hates kids as much as I do deserves a place on my shelf." --Josiah
--"On CSPAN, they were showing Souter's confirmation. I thought, 'Cool,' but, no, it wasn't." --Nathan
--"Wouldn't drowsiness be an effect rather than a side effect if we are talking about a sleep aid? Generally, side effects are of more a negative fashion--such as vomiting, cramping, liver dysfunction, and possibly developing radioactive heat vision with which to enslave the human race." --Josiah
--"I take classified ads over the phone for the local paper. There's one guy who just calls and screams incoherently about peppers every so often. We're expressly told to hang up on him. He's used to it." --Pia
--"Always remember this important fact: Ramen isn't that bad if you pretend it's something else." --Josiah
--Amante: "We're bartering with alcohol. Like real cowboys, Jeremy!"
Jeremy: "I know!"
Amante: "This is awesome!"
Jeremy: "Too bad I'm wearing women's pants."
--"Some cunt stole the cool-bag I keep my lunch in from the locker room at work. For fuck's sake!" --Mark
--"I like how LJ thinks the mood 'plottin' like a nigga!' needs a picture of a picafox lying down and staring into space." --Ashley
--"I bust rhymes with an 80% success rate. I believe that qualifies as 'ill.'" --Amante
--"I found a fortune cookie on the ground that said, 'A former lover comes back into your life.' At first, it seemed exciting (as well as in the present tense), but then I realized that would be the antithesis of exciting." --Ashley
--"Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears...GONE WILD!" --a different Mark
--Alice: "Are you comfortable in public with no shirt on?"
Jim: "Hell, yaz, I show dem titties."
--"Anyone know how to kitten-proof a house? I mean, I've got super mad skills when it comes to CHILD-proofing a house. But, I swear, the most demonic child from Hell has nothing on these kittens!" --Alice
--Me: "Bet the BTK killer has a really small cock."
Brendan: "You know what? You're probably right. But let's see. *goes to Ask Jeeves*"
--Peter: "Have you seen that '70's House' thing on VH1? You know, they have to live in the 70's, the clothes, music, technology, etc.?"
Me: "Just wait for 'The 80's House.' Will you watch it?"
Peter: "I would live in it!"
--Me: "Is it just me...or is nothing making sense here?"
Brendan: "It's not you. It's me. And you. And you with my body. And me and your brain with my body...and...*passes out*"
--Amante: "You there? Or stuffin' yo face wit' da noodlage?"
Me: "About to put my spaghetti up, actually."
Amante: "Done already?"
Me: "Dude, I had seconds."
Amante: "Damn, always knew you were a real woman."
--Brendan: "I made a milkshake and put whipped cream on top."
Me: *distracted* "Hmm."
Brendan: "CHOCOLATE whipped cream." *long pause, as I'm still distracted* " Yeah. You think that's so good, you can't even say nothin'. That's right."
--"I'm going to do that. Just walk up to random bitches in a grocery store and rub strawberries on their shirts. Then say, 'I bet you think those stains will never come out. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT!' then run off." --Tyler
--Tyler: *after his computer crashes* " I hate my life."
Me: "And your computer?"
Tyler: "It hates my life, too."
--"HEY. DO NOT QUESTION ME. I KNOW YOUR PARENTS A LOT BETTER THAN YOU DO." --Tyler
--"He might be a guy. He might think with his dick. He's not stupid, though...not that stupid." --Gina
--"I'm telling you my eating habits, does that do anything for you?" --Brendan
--Tyler: "Did you hear? Osama Bin Laden's new plan is to sell beer to underaged kids."
Me: "Oh, shit...that means 75% OF OUR CUSTOMERS ARE TERRORISTS! LEZREPORT THEM ALL."
Tyler: "No way. They may hijack our building and fly us into a plane."
--"I had a dream that my parents got injured during, uh, 'relations,' and I had to take them both to the hospital. My biggest fear is exposed." --Kate
--Brendan: "At work sometimes, I burst into 26-minute long renditions of 'Nuclear War.'"
Me: "I'm sure your coworkers love it."
Brendan: "Oh, yes. They beg and scream. For me to stop."
--"The people that live next to me are basically doubling the size of their house. It's the ugly blue house! It's going to be double the misery." --Kate
--"My sexual orientation is: PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME!" --Amante's sign
--"Our department, produce, has anti-slip mats that we put in front of stuff that's easily dropped onto the ground and easy to slip over, like grapes, mushrooms, and that, because if some cunt slips over..." --Mark
--"It says on the video when you have your welcome to Tesco that people slipping on grapes is the number one claim made against Tesco and costs them millions. RETARDS." --Charlotte
--"DrewALLOVERYAFACE." --Liz's suggestion for Andy's new screenname
--"They'll have no reason to want what I have to offer, if they look better than I do." --Alice, on potential Mary Kay customers
--Me: "Fifteen dolphins beached themselves at Topsail Island. Twelve of them died. They're being studied in Durham to see if scientists can figure out why they did it."
Brendan: "Maybe they were just sick of the fucking ocean."
--*after an online meme refers to me as a whore* "You get to be the Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce (or whatever the fuck her name is) of the group!" --Brian
--"The last bit of the new Sigur Ros single makes me want to jump up, rock out, and air guitar, which is the first time 'rock out,' 'air guitar,' and 'Sigur Ros' have been used together by anyone." --Kallen
--"You'll have to excuse me, I feel like lavishing you with praise right now." --Brendan
--Peter: "Maybe I should go over and just ask Laryssa out."
Me: "What if she's married?"
Peter: "That's the thing."
Me: "Does she have a ring on that finger?"
Peter: "I haven't noticed any rings. I looked during her speech on Washington."
Me: "One track mind..."
Peter: "George would be proud. I used the father of our country as a excuse to ask out chicks.
--"You're in love! With me!" --Brendan
--"I'LL SHOW YOU, THOUGH. YOU'LL SEE. I'LL GET MY POWERS AND YOU'LL BE SORRY. Well, not you personally." --Tyler
--"And, goddammit, please, someone tell Cat Stevens to shut the fuck up." --Nathan
--Me: "Hold on, it's kinda cool in here, I'm gonna put some more layers on."
Brendan: "Okay. I'm gonna get some food. So YOU hold on, missy!"
--"You seemed to be on edge earlier. If you weren't, I was mistaken. I'll live on...somehow." --Tyler
--Tyler: "See, the deal with Amanda is this. She's really nice, really cool, but she's really boring."
Me: "How can someone be really cool, yet really boring?"
Tyler: "We have a lot in common, we like a lot of the same things."
Me: "Obviously, we should get married. Oh, you meant Amanda. Obviously, you should get married. Obviously, Amanda and I should get married."
Tyler: "But the only thing I get out of our conversations is that I get a kick out of making fun of her. And let's all get married right now."
Me: "And move to Utah."
Tyler: "Spur of the moment. Go to Madagascar."
Me: "Do they allow open marriages in Madagascar, though?"
Tyler: "Anyone that didn't got eaten by lions."
Me: "One called the Ghost."
Tyler: "The other called Val Kilmer, With Michael Douglas Whining in the Corner."
--Me: "What do you think of Combos?"
Brendan: "I keep giving them chances. They keep breaking my heart."
--"I don't like to tell lies, but I pulled a great joke on a friend of mine and he actually believed that I owned an UZI! I had to keep that going for a little while." --Marcus
--"I'm in the closet, like, 'What the fuck is goin' on?'" --Andy's biography
--Brendan: "I have VH-1 on."
Me: "What's on?"
Brendan: "Something about the 40 craziest metal moments...Oh, wait, there's more than forty. There's a hundred."
--Me: "I miss Nathan. I want some Nathan. Right. Now."
Tyler: "Go get groceries, then."
--"Anyone who knows me knows that waiting two weeks to fuck someone is about 13 days longer than I usually wait anyway." --Gina
--"For some reason, one day last week, there was a list of baby names on a desk in the office, from Be to Bu. And the name 'Braden' with different spellings is written on the calendar. What the fuck is my ex-girlfriend doing at port ops?" --Brendan
--"A torrential downpour...OF WORDS." --Andy's post
--"Earlier, I was posting pictures of spiders to give chicks the willies. One of them said that it made her scream. She said I wasn't her friend anymore. I told her, 'Look, just because I like it when you scream doesn't mean we can't be friends.' And it just struck me as serial killerish and I thought of you." --Tyler
--"I got a 'Schmale' doll, this stupid little wireframe unisex figure thing that is incredibly ugly. I can't wait to put it on a shelf and stare at it EVERY DAY." --Andy
--"Tom Cruise has gone crazy. Maybe because of that water in his face." --Peter
--"Seeing Other People, that sounds good." --Nathan, talking to himself as he flips through the channels
--"Ever see that Chase commercial with that chick?" --Peter
--Bill: "You fucking British! We're fucking free from you, bitches! We have been for, like, 229 years now, so fuck your fucking tariffs and shit."
Hector: "And your queen looks like a man."
--"Remember when America kicked Great Britain's ass? Yeah, Independence Day, fools! THE FLAG WAS STILL THERE, BABY!" --Blair
--Jason: ":^)"
Kate N.: "Is that an erection on that smiley's face?"
Jason: "No, but you know all about erections on faces, don't you? Particularly yours, I mean. OH. Ah, I can't even insult people anymore. It's a sad day."
--"I just saw an ad on Animal Planet for 'All New "Planet's Funniest Animels"'...AND MATT GALLANT ISN'T HOSTING IT. The end of the world can't be far away. Start writing those farewell letters to your loved ones now." --Mark
--"I've already burned myself and set the lawn on fire and I haven't even lit any fireworks yet." --Jim
--If you want to see a movie with beautiful women in it, watch Bram Stoker's Dracula. If you want to see a movie based on the novel, I don't know." --Roman
--"I'm married to the sea and have been for the past 40 minutes." --Chaz
--"I had a dream last night that I lived in a haunted house, all my neighbors thought I was crazy, Mike was eating bananas, and I kept running around town in my underwear. At one point someone asked me what time it was and I looked at the clock and it said, '12:0H,' so I said, 'It's H after 12.' I wonder what it all means." --Gina
--"HEY, KIDS! IT'S TIME TO BE SELF-INDULGENT AND BITCHY!" --Jason
--Jason: "I was told today that Pepsi donates around 1% of its profits to a gay rights foundation. I heard this from a friend who heard it from someone else. The other person stopped drinking Pepsi products because of this, and the friend felt the same way. It just made me wonder. Do these people think that drinking Pepsi will turn them gay? Do they think the Pepsi tastes different because they recently found out that Pepsi supports gay rights?"
Kate: "Some Christian alliance crap is boycotting Ford, as well. Whatev, I enjoy my gay-mobile and even the occassional gay-refreshment."
--"Whoa! That's one of my biggest fears, right there. Falling through the rafters onto the set of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?'" --Brendan
--Me: "Is Cynthia the only one who will be there at all tomorrow morning? Isn't Keisha coming in at ten or eleven?"
Tyler: "It's only Cynthia and me until two, if I'm not mistaken. Paul did this shit on purpose. HE'S LAUGHING AT ME. I KNOW IT."
Me: "Probably he is."
Tyler: "Yeah, well, I'm gonna go to his new Dollar Tree store and only pay 50 cents for something. That'll show him."
--Peter: "There's a girl here who sat near me at lunch yesterday, talking to a guy who's working here. I overheard her talking about her travels in Europe. She went on and on about Spain and Gibraltar and how great the Prado is...Don't you hate people like that? Bragging about her travels. What am I supposed to do, fall on my ass? I found it obnoxious. I dont know her well, she's probably a nice person. But it just annoyed me."
Me: "You should try to strike up a conversation with her, to see if she does that to everyone."
Peter: "'Hi, I haven't been abroad at all. I don't even have a passport. Wanna make something out of it, beeeatch?'"
--Me, watching High Art: "Uh-oh, lesbian makeout scene. And you're missing it. They're both totally strung out, too. They're all thin and greasy-looking. And YOU'RE MISSING IT."
Tyler: "They should die. Jason Voorhees would kill them. He's a good, moral man."
--"I probably shouldn't have just typed that, or hit enter." --Tyler
--Tyler: "Joe called over the weekend, by the way. I forgot to mention."
Me: "What did he say?"
Tyler: "He asked if the references were business related or personal. I told him business. I mean, why would we want to talk to your best friend that secretly wants to hammer you?"
--"If I'm going to spend several hundred dollars on a pair of shoes, they better be able to keep every foreign substance known to man, God, and 999,646 alien species off my feet, help me to win the Boston Marathon, enable me to jump twice as high, and protect my feet as I'm kicking myself for spending that much money on footwear in the first place." --Brian, on flip-flops
--Host on "Russian Roulette": "We hope you enjoyed the show today."
Brendan: "Not really...I'd 'enjoy' seeing somebody win, for once."
--Me: "What did you get at BK?"
Tyler: "Three double Whoppers with cheese and a large fry."
Me: "Ugh."
Tyler: "I was hungry."
Me: "I guess so...I think all I ate yesterday were three bagels. Oops."
Tyler: "You need to eat more."
Me: "Well, I came home today and ate another one. It's a start, right? And I had one right before work."
Tyler: "Did you put anything on them?"
Me: "Cream cheese."
Tyler: "There you go."
Me: "So it's all okay?"
Tyler: "That's about a step above lard. Good job."
--Erica: "I hate the word y'all. That lazy contraction bothers me to no end."
Chris: "I thought so, too. Then you live in San Antonio for 10 years and you say it, too."
Erica: "I said it once. I think I cried myself to sleep that night."
--Grant: "HAY, thanks for INGORING ME the other night."
Me: "It's just Stephanie. Sorry. So I didn't ignore you the other night. :^) "
Grant: "Well, were you on Nathan's name the other night? 'Cause if so, then, YES, YOU DID. But you probably weren't."
Me: "No. I haven't been in weeks."
Grant: "Well, slash his tires for me."
Me: "But they are my tires, too. :^("
Grant: "Well, it's for a good cause."
--"That's not nearly as cool as that screaming lady who stole stuff." --Grant
--"I still have tons of packed boxes in my closet (trapped in my closet, if you will. And, oh, you will)." --Andy
--"I can't be a walking ball of controversy all the time." --Grant
--"I hate to shop. I mean, no, really, I HATE to shop. You want to know how much I hate to shop? Up untill, like, just this very moment, I thought I hated to shop because I hated the mall, the crowds, etc. No. That's not it. I hate to shop SO much that I can't even stand to do it on amazon.com. I'm, like, looking at all this stuff and there's so many choices that it's really daunting. Hate. Hate. HATE. I told Jim and his first words were, 'Normally, I'd say you were gay, but even gay women like to shop.'" --Alice
--"One thing I find really attractive on a guy is facial hair. I love it. It's manly. It's Jewish. It's hot." --Jill
--"I could post about 12 things I like, but most of it would be recorded or programmed entertainment, and that's kind of sad." --Andy
--"Can we please add 'people who say "BOY HOWDY!"' to the list of things we hate? I want to hit those people in the face forever." --Celina
--Me: "Rhonda made this sign on blindingly pink construction paper that said something like...'4 PEOPLE WERE FIRED THIS MONTH WHEN THEY DIDN'T CARD THE SECRET SHOPPER--WILL YOU BE THE NEXT?'"
Tyler: "Yeah, I saw that. The 'EVERYONE IN THE WORLD GOT FIRED IN JUNE' sign."
--"Coolness. Bookness, even." --Brendan
--Me: "The KwikMart god sez: 'Smoke more Golds.'"
Tyler: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know, I ain't the KwikMart god! Sheeyit!"
Tyler: "WELL THEN ASK HIM. THEN ASK HIM WHY HE SCREWED TONY LIKE A TWO DOLLA' WHORE." Sidenote: Tony was just fired over some very petty bullshit.
--*during The Karate Kid, well-known shot of the kid's silhouette practicing karate moves in a canoe in the middle of the ocean at sunset* "This is its way of saying Mr. Miyagi wanted to pee on him. Like R. Kelly.:" --Tyler
--Me: "If someone said something you didn't like to your girlfriend, it wouldn't bother you at all?"
Tyler: "Well, yeah, it would. I guess I would say something to the guy. Or just have my friend Gaber hack him and fill his computer with homosexual porn. Perhaps porn involving gas stations."
--"That blender I bought in there...is the #3 best thing to ever happen to me." --Brendan
--Tyler: "I want to see The 40 Year Old Virgin. 'Friends of a middle-aged man who has never experienced sex are psyched that "it" might finally happen when he meets a forty-year-old mother of three, until they discover the budding relationship is based on a mutual no-sex policy.' Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Paul Rudd."
Me: "Why are his friends so excited about his sex life?"
Tyler: "If I had a forty-year-old friend that hadn't gotten laid, I'd be concerned, too."
--"HURRY. TAKE A NAP! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" --Tyler
--Tyler: "I owned the Space Jam soundtrack."
Me: "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh heh heh heh heh."
Tyler: "What's wrong with Space Jam!? I liked that movie."
Me: "Besides the fact that it sucked?"
Tyler: "I was young. Foolish. Full of pee-pee."
--"IT'S ARMAGEDDON! WHO WANTS SOME POPCORN?!" --Tyler
--Me: "Mr. Miyagi looks drunk! His eyes are all red."
Tyler: "It's the X he took before the match. I bet his suit feels really cool. Why do you think he was rubbing his hands together so much?"
--"I'm not sure I bought the turning down a chicken salad sandwich as a reason to suspect somebody of being a sex offender." --Nathan
--Me: *at the end of The Karate Kid* "Oh, shit, here comes the pop music. 'WHEN / YOU'RE ALONE / YOU RISK / YOURSELF / WHAT ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR?'"
Tyler: "Yeah. THIS SHIT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A MAN."
--"Today, I put down Christian rock and one of my co-workers took it personally and called me a negative fucker." --Brendan
--Me: "I couldn't sleep much last night. And I had another dream where you were making out with your ex."
Brendan: "That constitutes a horrid night, all right."
--"I can't resist your game show theme-singing charms." --Brendan
--"I guess that's why I really hate mini-golf." --Kate
--"We should have an ice cream and cake 'The Price Is Right' party." --Brendan
--Me:: "There's a part in Land of the Dead where these two ugly chicks are making out, real over-the-top...like they're gonna be in some video you can buy from late-night television...and a bunch of zombies suddenly slam through the wall and destroy them. I guess a part of me just always wanted to see that, but never knew it."
Tyler: "Damn. If only they were played by Paris Hilton and that other skank. I'd pay to see her die."
--Brendan: "I think I'll also take advantage of my Sub Club privileges tonight."
Me: "Priveleges."
Brendan: "Privaleges."
Me: "Privoliges."
Brendan: "Ravioli...ges."
--"She's myspace-stalking me." --Gina
--"Your bikini top was made by a terrorist." --Brendan
--"Oh, and by the way...would you rather be bitten by a dog or racoon? Go ahead. Choose." --Shelby
--Brendan: ":^? :^\ :^/"
Me: "That looks especially creepy on this old version of AOL."
Brendan: "Ha ha. Your version of AOL makes certain things look creepy."
--"REALLY SCRUMMY TRAYBAKES (Or Eights or Nines, if Coke used):
2 large cans of condensed milk
3 large bags of white sugar
4 medium or 2 large cans of golden syrup
As many bags of cheap marshmallows as you can find
Chopped up peanuts (best not to use salted ones but will do in a pinch)
Enormous bag of desecrated coconut
Any class of sweets to hand
Large bottle of Coke (optional)
Melted tub of margarine
Put all ingredients in a bowl and give it a good stir. Put on a tray. Bake in fridge. If Coke used, drink while cooking." --Anne, sharing the best recipe I've ever seen
--"Dan damaged his tail bone on the big slide at Wildwood. All I have to say is...HAHAHAHAHHAAH! No, really." --Gina
--"Andrew's ex-girlfriend has been stalking all of his best friends. So she's added me on Facebook, Myspace, AIM, and now we exchanged cell phone numbers. She's hilarious and fun to talk to and sickeningly pretty. How on earth has Andrew had two hot + foreign girlfriends? Anyway, she's my lover now." --Kate
--"I'll probably give a prize to whoever wins, but I have no idea what that prize might be. IT COULD BE YOURS, WHATEVER IS IT!" --Andy
--"The idea behind Greek insults is a great deal of violence combined with a great deal of sex." --Brenden (not Brendan)
--"God, you're hot when you get all GOP on me." --JD
--"Now, Steph...did you not know it is your job to entertain me and expand my mind? UPDATE YOUR JOURNAL!" --Josiah
--Brendan: "Are you there?"
Me: "Just ripping some files."
Brendan: "Aw, you're so cute when you rip files..."
--"On Wednesday, I'm getting together with some friends for good times, great oldies." --Andy
--"MICHAEL JACKSON IS GUILTY...OF MAKING, LIKE...THE SICKEST ALBUM EVER!" --that...guy...Brendan knows...who has the same birthday as Nathan...
--"I hate the song 'Tiny Dancer,' because not only is it bad, it's also about fifteen hours long. When it was on today I had time to clean the floor, take the trash, mingle with coworkers, plug in all the equipment, turn the lights out, buy some groceries, and check out." --Nathan
--"*after I play 'kitsch' in Literati* "BITCH!...Rhymes with 'kitsch,' that is." --Brendan
--Me: "Do you feel up to making fun of Saturday afternoon programming?"
Brendan: "Do I ever?!"
--Amante: "Hey, do you remember Miss Parmar, she was a substitute teacher and she looked like Gerri from 'Stangers with Candy.'"
Me: "Yep."
Amante: "I'm going out with her daughter tonight..."
Me: "I hope there's no family resemblance."
Amante: "...Who is suprisingly attractive."
--"Sing, little Mexican people!" --Tyler, noting a Yo La Tengo CD on my console
--Me: "He's actually a librarina. Librarian."
Wout: "Librarina. Reminds me of a type of fish. And of librarian."
--"Anybody want to see what's left of a dead cat? Yeah, me, neither." --Brian
--"It's a good thing I didn't say, 'What the fuck is the matter with you?! You fuck me, then you don't call me?!' because he put me on speaker and had me on the mic." --Gina
--"Charlotte's airport doesn't look hard to navigate, but the map is straight fuckin' up my mind like speed. So many colors...I can hear them all..." --Brendan
--"Hollywood does things for the stupidest dumbest jackassholian reasons." --Peter
--"If you're gonna edit anything in that post, get that fuckin' freak out of the Gummi Bear picture. He looks like he's gonna use them for something. Besides a snack." --Brendan
--Peter: "Today's the first."
Me: "Yep."
Peter: "Yup."
Me: "Uh-huh...mmm-hmm...yeah...I'd say so...certainly...I agree...without a doubt...can't deny that..."
Peter: "Nope."
Me: "Heh heh heh. You can say pretty much anything and it could be construed as funny because you seem so straight-faced."
Peter: Oh? Thanks."
Me: "*cracks up* No, no, just kidding."
Peter: "Like...Chevy Chase?"
Me: "I don't know, would you ever consider being in a Paul Simon video?"
Peter: "I know, like Bob Newhart."
--"I hang out with my parents and eat dinner with them. Sometimes, it's kind of like living with freinds...you know, 53-year-old friends that just happened to create me." --Kate
--"There had better not be a long line at the barber shop. I'll come home and shave my head." --Brendan
--"And also, what the hell is up with this 'Fatherlessness' sticker I see on all of the stop signs, so that they read 'STOP Fatherlessness'? Stop fatherlessness? What the hell? Is there like a committee who organizes protests, and THAT'S all they could come up with? Could there possibly be a more futile approach? Maybe they could all mow the words 'STOP FATHERLESSNESS' into their lawns. It's not like I pull up to a stop sign, and think to myself 'Man, I hate fatherlessness. I didn't used to, but I certainly do now. THANK YOU, STOP SIGN!'" --Andy
--"Mark Felt did a lot of breaking and entering later in life (NOT A SEXUAL REFERENCE)." --Nathan
--"I wanna make a cake, dammit." --Brendan
--"How do you kill two birds with one stone, and why are people doing it all the time?" --Dave
--"I can't WAAAAAIIIIIIT! If I have to wait anymore, I'm gonna SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAM!" --Brendan
--"I think Anna Nicole Smith should eat Paris Hilton and then be shot into space." --Chaz
--"I forgot to grease the fucking cake pans before putting in the cake mix. Now, if this were the 50's and I were an eager housewife trying to please my breadwinning husband with dessert, this would probably ruin my entire month." --Brendan
--"You sound like a gay!" --Jason
--Crazy guy: "Sorry, Phil."
Other guy: "I would like to know how you came by the assumption that my name is Phil."
Crazy guy: "I wondered the same thing for a while...Well, isn't it?"
--"My LiveJournal is a place of folly, not a place of...uh...the opposite of folly." --Nathan
--"I rubbed one out the other day to the thought of creamy, chocolate cake." --Ava
--"Technology such as this is almost as exciting as putting ice cubes in my underwear. I mean, your underwear. I mean, one's underwear. I mean...nevermind." --Nathan
--"Hold up just a second there, Kikey McKikerson." --Kiernan
--"My opinion on this list is that all of the things on it exist." --Nathan
--"I masturbated about 10 minutes ago. Thinking about your mom. If you happen to be a mom, I was thinking about you." --JB
--Webb: "How do you people deal with lust?"
Andy: "By posting on a message board, mainly."
--"This girl I work with got fucked up on Ritalin one time and all she fucking talked about was, 'Where's my boyfriend?...I want to see my boyfriend.' I just told her to shut the fuck up, please, because I really didn't care. I stressed the 'please,' I was nice about it." --Amante
--A: "How do I deal with lust? Lots of masturbation. Sorry, I'm just being honest."
Webb: "That's an option I'm trying to avoid. I believe that semen contains very valuable life force."
Chaz: "So what you're saying is...eat it?"
--"He has a motto, 'Hey, fat and dumb girls need lovin', too!'" --Amante
--Cullen: "I heard if you snort a line of semen, you can fly."
Chaz: "But only if you're Viatnamese."
--"I'm going to rock out for a second, turn the music up reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally loud and act goofy..." *after a pause of several minutes* "I'm rocked now." --Amante
--"If you can't lust, you can't be lusted...Thank you, I'll be here all week." --Cullen
--Amante: "Bernice was a really good kiss, but that's because she took me completely offguard."
Me: "I've thought about doing that to someone before."
Amante: "Thought to do what?"
Me: "To catch a guy offguard, just kiss him."
Amante: "Oh, god, it's the best. Definitely use that one, it's good."
Me: "Well...if I get the chance again someday. With someone I haven't previously kissed. And feel inclined to kiss."
Amante: "*cough* Me. *cough* Who said that?"
--"...Are you masturbating? --Amante, when I take too long to respond to one of his messages
--Amante: "I was just watching porn."
Me: "I see. And what does it involve?"
Amante: "Deepthroating, today."
Me: "I see."
Amante: "Well, apparently, it's 'his turn to pleasure her' now."
--"Andrew and I spent about an hour driving through state forest land. It was CREEPY. Only Andrew would decide to follow a dirt road into a forest...I was afraid we were going to get raped." --Kate
--"It was bad. It was really bad. It was, like, floor-mopping bad." --Amante
--"Copiers blow my mind." --Kate
--Me: "Do you look at much black chick porn?"
Amante: "No...not really. None, actually."
Me: "One of my coworkers...a white chick...goes out with this black guy. She asked me once if Nathan looks at porn, and if it bothers me. I told her it didn't. She asked how I dealt with it. I wasn't sure what to say. She said her boyfriend looks exclusively at black porn and all the girls have huge asses and tits, and she said it made her sad to think that was what must really get him off, since it was all he looked at, but she couldn't give that to him. I just thought of that, for some reason. And wondered about you."
*long pause*
Amante: "I find it very disturbing, the things that bring you to the thought of me."
--"Have you ever seen those space-saving bags? You put clothes, blankets, or small children in them, attach the vacuum, and suck all the air out...then you have VERY FLAT clothes, blankets, or small children. It's awesome! Yesterday, my mom and I were all giggly and acting drunk while we were flattening stuff, because clearly this is the best thing ever." --Kate
--*Peter plays "pussy" in Literati* "YES! PETER, I LOVE YOU!" --Brendan
--Me: "Back in a moment."
Brendan: "'Kay."
Me: *five minutes later* "Sorry, I'm back."
Brendan: "Sorry. Pfffft. You can put any motherfucker you want to on hold."
--"I got hit in the face with a light-up frisbee. And I'd say that was one of the better parts of the day." --Kate
--"I'm not a kool kollege kid. I kan't sleep forever." --Brendan
--Me: "Peter probably stayed up until 5 A.M., reading a book on Hitler, then jerked it to some early-morning Hepburn movie and went to bed, only to sleep in until 5 P.M. Like usual."
Peter: "How did you know?...Just kidding."
--"*binge-drinks Pepsi*" --Brendan
--Brendan: "Stephanie, do I beat you?"
Me: "That's one thing I've never worried about."
Brendan: "BITCH, YOU BETTER SAY I DON'T! I'LL KILL YOU! I mean. Of course not. *contrived, hokey laugh*"
--*after Peter plays "shit"* "SHIT! YES! I LOVE YOU PETER! I WANNA MARRY YOU!" --Brendan
--"Once again, it's insomnia time! Lemme put myself back to sleep by designing my own hamburger commercial...No gimmicks. No bells. No whistles. No brain-dead blonde bimbo in a bikini pretending to double-O over a black Bentley with a soapy sponge. That's right, you can keep Paris Hilton, I'll take the burger. Hell, I'll take two of 'em. Now go put some clothes on, dumbass." --Brian
--"I almost believed in God when I found out lots of chicks don't mind giving head." --Nathan
--"Does your long-distance company care about the environment? We do." --ad for sharesale.com
--Me: "I hung around with Tyler and Jason for a while after work. Customers kept asking, 'Why are there three of you here?'"
Brendan: "...And you spray them with mace in response."
--"I had a good morning, despite annoyance over inability to sleep and inability to see how a half-naked fembot would make a good cheeseburger salesman." --Brian
--Me: *after a pause in conversation* "So, like...what was I going to say? I was going to DO something, even."
Brendan: "You were gonna sit there and eat oatmeal while fawning all over me."
--"There's a piece of evil in everybody, except Jimmy Carter, because how could he ever have an evil thought?!" --Nathan
--"By the way, Jim, allergies my ASS! You're SO getting your ass kicked next time I see you. I've got a sore throat AND a cough now. If my eyes start getting all boogery, you DIE!" --Alice
--"At least he answered my emails and didn't tell me to go die. Ha." --Gina
--"No more gratuitous groping. You have to EARN your way to my boobs, bitches." --Kate
--"In that picture, he looks like, 'Let's go ride some fucking bikes, man, YEAH!" --Brendan
--"Will I burn in hell for masturbating?" --from a sex FAQ
--"Dennis Quaid saves the world! Uh, no, Dennis Quaid saves Elisha Cuthbert! No...Dennis Quaid saves his son. Thank God, he saved somebody. Yet, millions die." --Cliff, reviewing The Day after Tomorrow
--"There are several reasons why the guys in the shower all have bigger ones than you. First, males tend to develop at different rates. Second, the relative sizes of flaccid penises don't really have much to do with their relative sizes when erect. Third, there is a difference in perspective when you look down at your penis and when you glance at the next guy in the shower. Fourth, you might have a really small penis." --from that same sex FAQ
--"Ugh, the remake of The Longest Yard has Adam Sandler playing the Burt Reynolds role. That is a metaphor for what has happened to Hollywood since the 70's. Sandler plays an ex-football player? How fucked up is that?" --Peter
--Peter: "I still hate the commercials that ask, 'Why do we work?' I just saw one yesterday and I gritted my teeth."
Me: "I didn't notice those until you said something. But now every time I see one, I think maybe you're somewhere, throwing a pillow at the screen."
Peter: "More like a shoe."
--"If you suck at being a slut, I suck at being a...stud?" --Peter
--"Sin. SIN. SINNY SIN SIN. I love to sin. Holy fucking shit, I love sinning. I'm a major sinner. I sin all day, every day. I'm sinning right now." --Brendan
--"You didn't get Back's new album?...Back, heh. I'm laughing my ass off." --Peter
--Brendan: *after I make a move in Literati* "There goes that move."
Me: "*waves to move* Don't worry, it'll send a postcard."
Brendan: "It doesn't matter, I didn't actually have a move planned, anyway."
--"Whatever and Ever Amen was a lot happier. The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner is downbeat, like Ben Folds Five isn't getting any lately." --random site
--"Your mom kicks ass at Life." --Brendan
--"Man. I want to have thoughts along the lines of, 'Love kills snarkiness,' but it's not working. Anybody want a beer?" --Brian
--"Steph? Oh, she's doing fine. Just as ugly as ever." --Dad, on the phone with Uncle Marty
--Dad: "I wonder what this movie is."
Mom: "I think it's that movie about the guy who ends up living out in the wilderness with gorillas for too long and then he goes crazy."
Me: "Maybe it's called Gorilla Crazy."
Dad: "It's probably called Dances with Monkeys."
--"There will never, ever be anybody as cool as Marty McFly ever again." --Mark
--"This past weekend while I was at home, Dad was knocking down dead trees in our yard with a chainsaw and ropes. He forgot to get something, so he left the chaisaw running in the middle of the tree. I don't know much about chainsaws, but I am SURE that somewhere in some safety manual, it tells you not to do that." --Emily
--*while flipping through channels, he lands on The Hulk on a movie channel and leaves it for about a minute; the only shot the entire time is of a woman in close-up* "Is that chick the Hulk?" --Nathan, with his mouth full
--*watching an incredibly inane commercial* "God, I'm happy. I'm so happy, I forgot to take my Excedrin." --Nathan
--"*during a Puma commercial featuring a skateboarder* "It's that guy from Memento! He spraypaints things on his skateboard so he doesn't forget them." --Nathan
--"A few minutes later, he was like, 'Ugh, why doesn't Will just...die?' That was the meanest thing I've ever heard him say, which made it that much funnier." --Gina
--"Dry your emo eyes." --Andy
--"I called Mike before I went to bed. It went straight to voice mail. I automatically jumped to the conclusion that he's avoiding me. The little voice in my head was saying, 'Hey, dumbass, his phone probably died and he's probably busy anyway.' I called him this morning, asked what happened last night. He said, 'I got busy and my phone died.'" --Gina
--Me: "Brendan, this is going to drive me nuts all afternoon! Please tell me what you were going to say."
Brendan: "Jeez, louise! Okay."
Me: "That's not my name."
Brendan: "Jeez, Stephanie!"
--"You're like a popsicle to me. I'd take off your wrapper...I'd grab you by your sticks....and then press you against the counter until you broke in half. Wait...no, no...that's not it.." --Brendan
--Me: "We have to invite ourselves to the Literati table, we're not showing up on his screen. Wait, some girl jumped in in your place..."
Peter: *after I boot the girl out* "It says I should give my seat to her if she comes back. Fuck that."
--"Do I want to eat a PopTart? Whilst I'm naked? Yes, I'm naked. I thought you might like to hear. That I'm naked." --Brendan
--Peter: *while playing Literati* "Did you say a girl was here before?"
Brendan: "Yes. A big, beautiful, busty, blonde girl. She was looking for you."
Me: "I hit her in the back of the knee. With a cane."
Brendan: "She wanted to give you the time of your life. But you stood her up. And then that happened."
--"Mr. Coin, might I suggest that you try some chili-cheese Pringles? They are to die for." --Brendan
--Me: "*dies*"
Brendan: "See? Your daughter agrees. You won't be sorry."
--Dad: "I'm shaving my head."
Brendan: "No, get a soccer ball haircut. Those things reek of awesomeness."
--"The only thing I regret doing is your mum." --Mark
--"I like my cat. I think my cat likes me, but I can't know for sure. I like to call her Cookie, but I don't know if she likes to be called Cookie. It just pleases me to call her Cookie, therefore, I do." --Bonnie
--"Mortarboards. I look good in them." --Emily
--"I'm gonna type like this from now on. EVERYTHING'S SO INTENSE ALL THE TIME! WAUGH! *YEAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!*...Okay, I'm done." --Brendan
--Me: "Didn't you used to like Reef?"
Brendan: "I did. I liked some of their songs."
Me: "There's a song on here. I don't think it's very good. I used to hate it...Now I just think it's...harmless. But the guy's voice is kinda...STOP TRYING TO SHOUT!"
Brendan: "Doesn't he kinda sound like Adam Sandler?"
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH. X 500."
Brendan: "But he does!"
--"'I love Modest Mouse.' 'No, you don't.' '...Oh.' 'Now go to your room.' 'Yes, Grandma.'" --Kris
--"Aerosmith's Joe Perry shares his hot sauces with Rachael." --Inside Dish with Rachael Ray summary
--"I lllllllllove sugar. Don't you fucking mess with sugar. You BITCH." --Brendan
--"IF YOU DON'T CARE YET, START." --Nathan
--Peter: "Hey, I tried to call you Saturday night. About eleven. Sorry I didn't leave a message."
Me: "That's okay. I was asleep."
Peter: "So you were home?"
Me: "Yeah. I didn't hear the answering machine. I had the phone in the room with me, but I turned off the ringer. I figured if anyone called, I'd hear the machine."
Peter; "Oh. So I should have left a message."
Me: "It might not have woken me up, either. Unless you screamed and pressed a lot of buttons."
Peter: "Yeah, I'll try that."
--Brendan: "Guess who prematurely diagnosed me with pink eye?"
Me: "Mr. Coke-Is-Degreaser?"
Brendan: "None other. He even sucks at his own job. Way to go, superstar."
--"I'll never forget that day. It began with me throwing up." --Brendan
--Peter: "Okay, I'm sure Brendan will call soon, so I'll go."
Me: "He wants to..."
Peter: "Call? Go AWOL? Marry you?"
--"I could buy so much charcoal with that money..." --Brendan, on the Greed prize of $2,100,000
--Me: "What's with all those dolls behind Leonard Maltin?"
Nathan: ""It's the Leonard Maltin House of Terror!"
--"I'd be like, 'Fuck! I'm going home!'" --Brendan, after the first prize of $25,000 is awarded
--"*Brendan keeps yawning* *I keep making the same sounds* "Stop mocking me!" --Brendan
--Jason: "If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't do any of those guys, either."
Me: "Not even Ryan Phillippe? Be honest, now."
Jason: "Well, maybe him, but ONLY him!"
--"I wish I had me a teleporter. So I could teleport there. Yeah." --Brendan
--Josiah: *sending us his new Gmail address* "Due to spam, I'm not going to make promises anymore about not changing my email address, so just update your books and pray I don't change my address again for a long time."
Dennis: "Of course, you could also pray that Josiah learns how to use Gmail's auto-tagging and whatnot, too."
--"*as we walk past a store* Hey, Stan's working today...fucking asshole. He was a jerk even before his kid died." --Tyler
--Brendan: "I'll be down there for good someday."
Me: "And I'll subject you to this music and get really hyper and start doing pushups and shit."
Brendan: "Cool."
Me: "No."
Brendan: "Yes. Yes, you will. You said you would."
--"And don't put that on your quotes page, or I'm going to feel really bad." --Tyler
--Brendan: "*messes up your hair*"
Me: "My hair's pulled back. Try again!"
Brendan: *takes out thing that's pulling your hair back, really, really fucks your hair up. like, really, okay?*"
--"Last weekend, there was a Stars Wars convention, here in Indy. My geek level rose from 0 to about 250 just for going." --Alice
--"You're being bold. I like it." --Brendan
--"It's not a good thing to be on three hours of sleep and find yourself confronted by no less than 30 Darth Vaders parading down the street." --Alice
--"The essence of Cookie Monster is the fact that he LOVES COOKIES. If you remove that essence, he's just a 'monster who sometimes enjoys a cookie,' like EVERY OTHER FUCKING MONSTER ON FUCKING SESAME STREET. 'Oh, my GOD, YOU LIKE COOKIES?! I like cookies, too! That is so weird, because NOBODY likes COOKIES. Let's dedicate an entire muppet on our stupid, broke-ass show to the fact that many people occasionally enjoy backed good.'" --Emily
--"You know, I thought that, but somehow knew it would be better left unsaid." --Andy
--"A new Superman is coming out next year, but they had to replace Christopher Reeve, 'cause he can't walk and he's dead." --some Jason I don't even know
--"I could be here till November. Either way, I'm taking leave this summer. To visit you...and that...um...dammit, what was her name again? Oh, yeah. Mom." --Brendan
--Me: "Who's Charlie Wilson?"
Nathan: "I don't know...it's probably the guy clapping."
--"God, you're such a special needs student." --Brendan
--"That girl doesn't need Proactiv, she just needs to stop falling down the stairs." --Nathan
--"Fill this out...dammit, I said, fill it out! Okay, only if you want to...by the way, I am having a shitty day, so do this or I'll cry." --Jessi
--"I am learning all about fireworks, and the ones from China are hilarious. They are all either pushing American stereotypes of China (Lucky Dragon Blast! Happy Panda!, etc.) or are pushing what the Chinese seem to think are very 'American' concepts such as 'Thrifty Pig' and 'Happy Friends.' All the American-made fireworks seem to incorporate in-your-face patriotism such as 'Uncle Sam Strikes Back' and 'Ass Kickin' Flag Wavin' Good Time.'" --Emily
--"At the Olive Garden last night, the waitress brought my food and the plate was really fucking hot. I had to wait for it to cool down. I got two bites into it, she came back, and was like, 'Don't tell me you're finished!' *dumbfounded look* Uhhhhhhhhhhh...I might be...I had a stomach transplant last week with a bird. I can't hold any more than an ounce in my stomach now." --Brendan
--"Woo! An email from 'Catholic Student Ass...'!" --Jason
--"Do you remember these crackers called Chicken in a Biscuit? When I was a kid, I ate them and was like, 'These are horrible. I must have another.'" --Brendan
--"Basically, I'm a very sick man and I could watch cartoons all night, and I think I just did." --Nathan
--"Martha Vickers is fucking awesome, so I'm going to type her name a bunch of times, then go to bed." --Nathan
--Me: "I'm eating cookies. Mint fudge cookies."
Brendan: "That's my weak spot, right there. Mint and chocolate. If you tasted like mint and chocolate, God help you."
--"That would have been great, if I hadn't had to correct my spelling." --Amante
--Brendan: "You tried anal sex, didn't you?"
Me: "Hahahahahahahahah. No."
Brendan: "That sounded so funny, the way I put it."
--"Oh, Shirley, have sex with me." --John, on the new Garbage album
--Me: "MGM is no more."
Brendan: "Whoa...there goes my sleep for the next week."
--"If you want to come to my late birthday party, feel free. I welcome almost anyone. As long as you're not creepy. Ah, hell, who am I kidding? I welcome creepy people, too." --Jason
--"I'd shag Tom Cruise, but he'd probably be looking into a mirror the whole time, fantasizing about being with himself." --Jessi
--"It's going to have streamlines. Total Peter Panage." --Amante, on our old high school's new auditorium
--"This is a private party. Nobody else!" --Peter, on playing Literati alone
--Me: "Hey, it's the tenth anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombings."
Amante: "Woohoo!...Wait...no."
--"Man, I hate boys. Except...not at all." --Beth
--Me: "I have a G left. I'll see if I can find somewhere to put it."
Peter: "Ga? Gdei? Gw? Gpi? Gatoms? Ang? Gsag? Bitgon? Gcar and pig? Grich? Glowpukes Gzeroed?"
--"I guess the stereotype about women is true. Put us together in a group and we de-evolutionize into catty bitches who hate each other." --Emily
--"In case you were unaware, fire is hot. Thank you, fire safety expert whose speech I slept through." --Beth
--"Sometimes, I think people start their online journals to spread more hate-filled drama around the world, which, by the way, is something we're really in short supply of." --Emily
--Me: "You remind of orange Jello."
Brendan: "You remind me of night-vision goggles."
--"They should make a sitcom about us." --Brendan
--Brendan: "It would star Bob Sagget."
Me: "As who?"
Brendan: "Your dad."
--"Oh, my god, if I hear one more right-wing talk show say the word 'Schiavo,' I am going to slam my head through a window, take a shard of the broken glass, and use it to carve out my brain. I will then MAIL my brain to Sean Hannity." --Andy
--"He could make a whole other language out of spelling errors." --Brendan
--"My mom was thinking of foods to serve at Easter and I told her I love asparagus. She bought an eight-pound bag. Then, when she was heating it up, I said, 'Oh, yeah, I actually hate asparagus. I was thinking of artichokes.'" --Emily
--"You know...if Terry Shiavo had lived, she should have done TV ads for Foy Motors." --Brendan
--"During spring break, on the morning we were set to leave for the cruise, several of us realized we still had beers in our mini-fridge at the hotel. Not being the type of people to waste nourishment, we selflessly drank the remaining beer." --Emily
--Me: "I wish I didn't sleep with my mouth open. It's totally unflattering."
Brendan: "Steph, people do that. You're a people."
--"I wonder if the pope ever had a hotdog..." --a different Jim H.
--Me: "I look like an elf in that picture, too! What is wrong with my ears?!"
Brendan: "I will not hear of this elfness."
--"Knowing me is an education, isn't it?" --Peter
--Me: "Aaah! The spouse who goes to sleep first on the wedding day will be the first to die.' Man, I'd be on some Vivarin."
Brendan: "'Can't sleep...gonna die...'"
--Patty: "I love how you put a period after everything."
Kate: "It's a sentence."
Patty, testing this idea out: "I have a vagina."
--"You're not shy. Stop iiiiiiiiit." --Brendan
--Me: "Nathan keeps laughing. His really hard laugh. Which is really high. But fleeting. He keeps moving his hands around."
Kiernan: "What the fuck is he doing over there? Throw something at him."
--Me: "Nathan's watching some movie. About seamen."
Kiernan: "I might've seen that one."
Me: "Starring Jack Nicholson's moustache."
Kiernan: "Oh. Nevermind."
--"Of course they cheered. Like they're gonna boo." --Brendan
--Peter: "I'm across the street with binoculars."
Me: "You're on the roof of the carwash?"
Peter: "Yep."
--Brendan: "I looked up Mark's house. You know what it pointed to? Robb's house. Imagine that."
Me: "It's like The Giant's Drink in Ender's Game! It's inside our minds!"
Brendan: "You'd think it could crank out higher resolution. For a mind game."
--"You're sweeter than fudge...God, I love fudge." --Brendan
--Peter: "You know what commercials I really hate? Ever see those animated United airlines things?"
Me: "YES. They're always on the Weather Channel. Where the guy grows old and retires. And then he and his wife go on a trip together. He's lucky he still has her. She should have ditched him years ago."
Peter: "There are worse ones. The one with the job interview, and the one with the guy with the flower. You never see anybody going through security. Nobody gets wanded, or goes through a metal detector, or takes their shoes off. Who the fuck do they think their fooling? Flying was like that in the 50s , maybe."
--"I don't know whether that's hot or gross." --Brendan
--"Vegas was nice. This was in '75, when the Mob still ran it." --Peter
--"Damn, the Feds finally got him." --Brendan, when Peter is kicked offline
--"I was playing a game today on the couch when my dog Joey started to bark furiously and twitch her legs about...in her sleep. I thought maybe she was having a dream about tearing little bunnies apart." --Amante
--"Yeah...yeah...yeah, yeah, yeah...yeah...I sound like I'm getting ready to drop some rhymes." --Brendan
--"Do I know how to reassemble a DVD-player? Yeah, I didn't think so." --Jason
--"My birthday was on Easter this year, ugh. I was snuffed by the son of God." --Amante
--"I can't wait till...what's it called? Friday." --Brendan
--Amante: "I masturbated to a naked photo of you, like, eighty times."
Me: "Aww, you're just joshin' me."
Amante: "I am."
--"Like a retired boxer coming out of retirement, I have returned for more glory, more pain, and more LJ comments." --Andy
--"You truly are a master. A master of something." --Amante
--"Oh, come on, I don't care about any of these people! I don't care about any of them!...Except Carrie Weaver." --Nathan, yelling at "E.R."
--"You know--I have really enjoyed the last three years of hating Jude Law." --Jim H.
--"Dude...everybody in Chicago is in that elevator." --Nathan
--"That was pretty much the best shower of all time." --Nathan
--"It's your world, Stephy. We just live in it." --Brendan
--"I got invited to go to Crow tonight, which is, like, the frat where people either die, are hospitalized, raped, or whtever else. It'd be an experience, but I turned it down." --Kate
--Me: "Okay, so...this AOL headline right now says, 'She Didn't Deserve It,' of Jessica Lunsford. Um, REALLY? Are you sure she never, like, skipped school or lied to her parents or something?"
Brendan: "Yeah, she was such a controlling bitch, as a nine-year-old."
Me: "She was probably just BEGGING for it."
Brendan: "She was in charge of a muli-national corporation. And then she went too far. 'Mommy! I want STRAWBERRY MILK! No chocolate! I'll take it out on Albania! Hmph!'"
--AP story: "NBC anchor Brian Williams has acknowledged that he refused to allow the word "masturbate" to be used in a report about the Michael Jackson trial on NBC Nightly News this week."
Kiernan: "Brokaw would've said it!"
--"It really just makes you look like the ass of all asses when you try to prove your coolness by acting knowledgeable about alcohol. Especially when you're, like, fifteen years old." --Kate
--"Grant says I'm right and everyone else must be doing something wrong. And has Grant ever lied to us? No, never, so you're WRONG." --Kiernan
--"Everyone in my nutrition class is a sophomore or junior exercise science major, so they know half of the stuff anyway. Those healthy bastards." --Kate
--"If you could see me right now, you'd see me not buying your story." --Alice
--Brendan: "Mapquest has that block of Strawberry Hill as more of a square."
Me: "No, it curves more."
Brendan: "Damn you, Mapquest. I bet Mapquest never lived at 412 Strawberry Hill Road, Evansville, IN 47711."
--"The driving went well, except when I thought it would be a good idea to text message someone while driving through eight lanes of traffic in Atlanta and almost killed us. Sorry." --Emily
--Keef: "I guess the in-house TV channel was showing Deep Inside Virginia and they'd seen it already?"
Roger: "I always thought Deep Inside Virginia was about the Dixie Caverns."
Keef: "Dixie Caverns just had a cameo in that one. She was Blonde #2 in the orgy scene in the poolhouse."
--"It was time...time to get stupid." --Emily
--"I think your post...with all the pictures...is kinda like the Rosetta Stone. They're all like clues. Put them all together, you have you figured out." --Brendan
--"And I wonder if fish laugh...or cry..." --a Mr. Rogers song
--*in Literati, the first play is mine; I score 47 points*
Brendan: "'S_coin wins!' I think we all know where this one is headed. Back to the airport."
Me: "Have games never come around before? I think they have."
Brendan: "You tease me. You make me think I can do it."
--"Parking in Chicago is going to be both a bitch and expensive." --Andy
--"I'm half trying to be funny...maybe 3/4 trying to be funny...but it's a little true." --Brendan
--"Since Diabolik's mask exactly matches the contours of his face, it's not really a disguise, is it?" --Bela
--"You should've been a candle that night." --Brendan
--"I just checked my Hotmail account and I found this message as one of my subjects: 'Download Ben Folds' "Bitches" from iTunes.'" --Jason
--"I hate people who go on and on and on about things. Like, 'Man, why is there so much air today?! There's too much air today! I keep trying to mow the lawn and it's just THERE!' And I'm like...'It's just rain.'" --Brendan
--"I got his name this time, so if I have to call back, I can be all like 'HEY. FUCKIN' PUT ADAM ON THE PHONE, BITCH.'" --Andy
--Me: "Making those waffles?"
Brendan: "I already ate 'em."
Me: "Yum. Syrup?"
Brendan: "Syrup? On chocolate chip waffles? Isn't that overkill? (I'm also saying this because I'm disguising the fact that I have no syrup.)"
--"Am I talking about a war of the sexes? Fuck, no. That would be SO women's lib of me." --Mark H.
--Me: "Holy fuck. It's 71 degrees right now?! According to weather.com..."
Brendan: "Whoa. It's 35 right now, here."
Me: "I thought it was a LITTLE warm in here, but...let me check the telly, that can't be right."
Brendan: "What's the high supposed to be, do you know?"
Me: "Sixty-nine. So we're...above the high and all. It's saying 71 on TV, too."
Brendan: "Huh huh huh. Heh heheheh. Uh huh huh huh huh. She said 'sixty-nine'. Huh huh huh. Heh heh heh."
Me: "High tomorrow...fifty-three. :^("
Brendan: "Huh huh...she said 'fifty-three'."
--"I am achieving new levels of suckitude." --Peter
--"You should be illegal." --Brendan
--Wout: "What did you just do?"
Me: "I don't know, what did I just do?"
Wout: "Dunno, something physically impossible. Like learning Spanish."
--"I have the hots, colds, and lukewarms for you." --Brendan
--Wout: "This book claims that if you study it for 35 minutes each day, after 6 weeks, Spanish peopole can't distinguish you from other Spanish people."
Me: "Thirty-five minutes every day?"
Wout: "Yeah."
Me: "You don't even get, like, Sundays off or anything? Not even holidays?"
Wout: "Except on Sundays, it says. It CLAIMS."
--"The last two or three times I've picked up the phone to find out that it's some flailing dumbshit from Sprint wanting to survey me on some nonsense or sell me something I don't need, it's sounded like some fucking Indian." --Brian
--Brendan: "Hush, bitch."
Me: "Who you talkin' to? Lassie? Lassie outside your door, punk? She out there barkin' to tell you Timmy fell in another fuckin' well? 'Cause I don't see no bitch here."
Brendan: "Man, I fuckin' euthanized Lassie."
--"I called Laptops for Less again today to ask them 'WTF.' After waiting about 20 minutes to get through to their return department, I laid it all out. 'WTF?' I said to them, in no uncertain terms. They responded by saying 'OMGZ.'" --Andy
--Me: "My computer's about to freeze..."
Brendan: "Wanna restart?"
Me: "Not really."
Brendan: "I'm just gonna start typing without vowels."
--"It appears that I won. I HAVE DEFEATED THE INTERNET." --Andy
--Me: "I'm on the verge of falling asleep. I'm better try to get in a nap before my parents call."
Brendan: "You'd better snort a few lines, homeskillet."
--"I will be getting pussy, even if I have to get it from a dead cat." --Brendan
--Me: "Sorry."
Brendan: "Hey. Look at me. The screen. I'm fine."
--"My clock somehow got so it wasn't five minutes ahead. So I reset it. I like it to be five minutes ahead. Because I'm gay. I like having sex with men. I am a homosexual." --Nathan
---"That's the most elite spelling of 'Asian' I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT." --Wout
--"If I ever get to that point in my life, please kill me in the most brutal, yet creative way possible." --Brendan
--"We got E!sian over here, once. BAM! Cancelled." --Wout
--"I'm listening to Megadeth...I think that answers any questions." --Mark H.
--Brendan: "I'm gonna come back there and I'm gonna come hungry."
Me: "If you come hungry, I wonder if that changes the quality of...um, nevermind."
Wout: "It doesn't."
--"You were rubbing your legs?" --Amante
--"Wah. Cry about it." --Brendan
--Me: "The people downstairs are screaming at one another again."
Wout: "'YOU go kill Stephanie!' 'No, YOU go kill Stephanie!'"
--"Our Stephanie, fuckin' up a survey like NOOOObody else." --Brian
--"You're lucky there's a rapper named 'Chills.'" --Wout
--Wout: "Someone just sent me some anthrax for Valentine's Day."
Me: "Oh, that was me. Yu told me you could use some."
Wout: "Nothing says, 'I love you, Yu,' like poisonous white powder."
Me: "And that's all Yu wanted to say."
Wout: "It's all he's been able to say, lately."
--"I really suck at this...it's official." --Peter, after playing a six-point word in Literati
--Me: "Under the webcam screen, there is a Yahoo! Personals ad that says, 'Rather be looking at someone else? Click here.'"
Amante: "Yeah, I know, I've seen that before."
Me: "If I were you, I'd totally take offense. 'Do you absolutely LOATHE the person you're webcamming with? Click here!'"
Amante: *long pause* "But you don't."
Me: "I don't. And, in fact, have no use for Yahoo! Personals. Whoa, it's changing on me...Aaah! It came back! I don't want another relationship! STOP PRESSURING ME, YAHOO! I think it's trying to go too far on the first date."
Amante: *long pause* "I could do the same."
Me: "You could do the same if you were on a first date with someone who had strict standards concerning what should or should not be done on first dates. I want a shirt that says that. 'I could do the same if I were on a first date with someone who...' And then, on the back: '...had strict standards concerning what should or should not be done on first dates.'"
Amante: *long pause, as though something profound is coming* "That's great."
--"My parents have this really annoying habit of going in my room when I'm not there for a length of time and 'tidying' it...yes, I am aware I'm twenty-one years old and I'm writing about my parents tidying my rom." --Mark
--"Girl, I'm kinkier than that homemade perm my mama gave me in the seventh grade." --Alice
--Me: "I just heard a woman on the Weather Channel say, 'Check out this radar action.'"
Brendan: "Ewww."
Me: "Hey, I'm INTO radar action. Hot, hot radar action."
Brendan: "Sizzling radar action."
Me: "Oooh, yeah."
Brendan: "Microwave-induced burning radar action."
--"My company needs to employ more attractive twenty-five-year-old women. Like, for starters, one." --Andy
--Brendan: "On March 15th, Doves are playing NYC. I'd give my cock to see them."
Me: "I hope that won't be necessary. Perhaps they will prefer generally accepted monetary units at the ticket office."
Brendan: "Nah...just about $120."
Me: "Why so much?"
Brendan: "The fastest way to get there is by train. $40 each way. Tickets are $25. And throw in taxi fare. Not including any souvenirs."
Me: "That's..."
Brendan: "I know."
Me: "...More than I spent driving to Greensboro to see Tori."
Brendan: "Well, then again, you have this thing called a 'car.'"
Me: "And then again, I have to pay for this highly expensive stuff known as 'gasoline.'"
Brendan: "But all of that requires something known as a 'license.'"
Me: "Especially when driving the United States 'interstate system.' And most especially when you get lost and spend about six hours 'backtracking.' Because you've ended up in the incorrect 'state.' During an 'ice storm.'"
Brendan: "At least you weren't 'driving the wrong way down the interstate.'"
Me: "And at least my 'vehicle' wasn't on 'fire.'"
Brendan: "And I'm getting 'booted.'"
--*posts a Sorority House Massacre movie poster* "This is what will happen if I hear ONE MORE group of girls screaming outside my window." --Kate
--"Are You There, God? It's Me, Josef Stalin." --Nathan
--"Well, I didn't put TOO much thought into mine, since the whole thing just reeks of second grade." --Andy
--"That's badass...I think..." --Andy's friend
--"I need gloves, gloves," --Nathan, singing to the melody of the opening of "You Can't Hurry Love"
--"I hate school worse than I hate stupid people. And I really fucking hate stupid people." --Jason
--"Art with a capital FAG." --Nathan
--"I really loved my Reeboks with the hot pink laces in third grade, okay? I stand by my shoes. You don't know how awesome I was back then. You just don't." --Leslie
--"The lesson is, never do anything, ever." --Nathan
--"If I were any more excited, my face would melt off." --Andy
--Leslie: "For Lent, I am giving up Coke."
Loren: "Coke as in the DRINK, right?"
Leslie: "No! Smack!"
--"My head ached in the best way possible." --Brendan
--"'Inaneq' is not a word." --Peter
--"Dad just ran into the bedroom door because I closed it and he didn't see. I am laughing so hard I am crying." --Mom
--"I got the other half of my tax return today. I need to go buy a new bed before I accidentally spend the money on soft-shelled tacos or something stupid like that." --Andy
--"I heard somewhere that Jesus is Hitler." --Chaz
--"Whatever you're doing, stop for a minute and pick up the phone." --Brendan, leaving a message on the answering machine
--"Beaches are for Liberals." --Chaz
--"I'm dead. Wanna be a hero? Then don't just sit there, thinking, 'Fuck, he's dead.' Leave a message." --Mark H.
--"I am the man. I'm THE MAN." --Brendan
--Mark: "Y'know what? We do have to actually meet this year, eh?"
Jason: "Yeah, I agree. We actually have to meet this year."
Mark: "Now, is that a) me and you, 2) you and Steph, d) all of us, in a big drunken orgy?"
--"I was walking around downtown today when I noticed...someone had driven their car THROUGH the local Starbucks, setting the entire storefront ablaze. I told you the house blend was overroasted." --Steven
--"John and I just noticed that there are about five hundred fish eggs in my fish tank. We just flushed Caligula a few days ago, because he was an asshole and he killed everyone. So now it's just Lesliefish and she's knocked up and WHAT DO WE DO?! Stupid slutwhorefish." --Leslie
--Tyler: "You're stupid."
Me: "Your mom is stupid."
Tyler: "You retard."
Me: "Your mom's a retard."
Tyler: "Ha, the jokes on you, I don't care what you say about my mom, because we never even got along."
Me: "Oh, yeah? Well, I do get along with my mom and I still don't care what you say about her. Therefore, you are the bigger loser. And you suck."
Tyler: "Oh, yeah? Well...you're...dumb!"
--"Simon sidesteps Death's ineffective attack and tosses the dagger that he had in his silk bag, because it wasn't a real gold dagger and was turning everything else in his luggage green. Death is stunned by the cheapness of the knife and is paralyzed." --Todd, in what appears to be Simon's Quest fanfic
--"Ha ha. I would shoot you. With love. But shoot you, nonetheless." --Kasey
--"John and I turned the card game War into the ultimate drinking game. And according to John, I only remember a quarter of what happened last night. Like when I stood in front of a picture of my childhood pet and told John (while crying), 'He was such a good person.'" --Leslie
--"I have to go watch a DMX movie for a decent portion of college credits, now." --Kasey
--"I'll put you in a position ripe for fucking. I mean...carry on." --Mark
--"If I wanted drugs, I'd just go after that huge coke stash you've got. Screw prescription drugs!" --Jason
--Me: "But I love it when you argue with me!"
Mark: "No, you don't."
--Amante: "You know what I want?"
Me: "Ice cream?"
Amante: "Close. Boobies."
--"I think Fate shall be kicked very hard in the junk. But not just once. I'm thinking 39 times." --Jason
--"My give a damn's broken." --Emily
--"What the foo'?" --Brian
--Piper: "Is there a difference between the R-rated version of Lolita and the unrated one? In the version I have, there's not much sex at all."
Cos: "I guess the differnce is in the deleted scenes. They do have sexual content."
Robert: "What sort of sexual content? I want to know so I can judge whether or not to 'buy' this movie. I might want to 'buy' it, but if there's nothing I can't see somewhere else, I might want to 'buy' another film, such as 'pornography,' so I can 'masturbate' to it. If you catch my drift."
--"I knew when I took that quiz, if I was going to have to kill something this week, it would be that." --Jason
--"When I die, I want to go sleeping, like my grandfather...not screaming, like the passengers in his car." --noticed, uncredited in someone's LiveJournal
--"We need to talk more often. Make it happen, bitch!" --Mark
--"There was a -4 degree wind chill this morning. I died." --Kate
--"We had these walkie-talkies at work, from the warehouse to the shop floor, etc., in my department. I panted down one of them once. Didn't go down so well." --Mark
--"Jim was getting ready to leave for the evening. I was following him through the house, chatting away, not really paying attention to the direction we were going. He heads down the hall, with me hot on his heels, talking non-stop. He goes through a door and just as I start to step over the threshold behind him, he begins to shut it in my face and says, 'Um...you've got to stay on that side of the door.' That's when I realized he was standing in the bathroom." --Alice
--"If we switched bodies, I'd probably walk around completely disoriented all day. When I wasn't masturbating." --Brendan
--Me: "You know...if I had sex with everyone who offered me Barq's, I'd be...well, you get the idea."
Amante: "Well, if you had sex with any biracial person who offered you Barq's, you'd be better off. You just have to categorize. See, you only would have one of those."
Me: "That's what you think."
Amante: "Oh, it is. And I'm right. Don't get sassy."
Me: "If I had sex with every biracial person who offered me Barq's...well, you get the idea."
Amante: "Yeah. One. Woman, don't argue!"
--"Last month, I got inspired to try and make my own wine. Okay, maybe not my own. Like, from a kit. I didn't actually wanna do any real work or anything, like picking grapes and smashing them with my feet. Let's be real, here. I wanna open a giant drinking box, throw some tumor-causing chemicals in, stir it around, and, boom, vintage wine." --Don
--"This asshole cut in front of me in a line the other day; that would never have happened in Stockholm." --Kiernan
--"I'm supposed to stay at my parents' tomorrow night, so THE CAT DOESN'T GET LONELY. My mom has cat issues." --Andy
--"Awww, whayunchoo gid overr heeyerr and rub mah cleeyit?" --Brendan, in a deep Southern accent
--"SCANDINAVIA: YOU ARE AWESOME. xoxoxox" --Kiernan
--Me: "What are your thoughts on Valentine's Day?"
Brendan, sounding completely in earnest: "Oh, I celebrate it. Well, you know, I like to do something special, if there's someone I'm in love with or admiring or stalking or whatever."
--"Don't drink and get kicked in the head." --advice for life from a friend of Amante's
--"God help me if I ever have to raise a HUMAN child." --Andy
--"Is nothing sacred in Nathan's journal? No. Nothing." --Nathan
--"I got pulled over this morning for the third time. For speeding. And for the third time, I didn't get a ticket. I'm not proud of that. Actually, wait. Yes, I am." --Jill
--"Now, instead of being fearful of terrorism, Americans have become concerned with the threat of a tsunami strike, which has about the same chance of happening as me getting struck by four bolts of lightning right now, at the same time." --Mark H.
--"Damn, I can't even get men to pick up after themselves in my fantasies!" --Alice
--"I hope going to see Paul Simon live isn't like this." --Nathan, during the "You Can Call Me Al" video
--Jim: "So, did you have your little heart-to-heart with Mike today?"
Alice: "Mike?"
Jim: "Yeah."
Alice: "Mike who?"
Jim: "YOUR SON?!"
Alice: "Oh, yeah...I DO have a kid by that name, don't I?..."
--"Eventually, my entire front yard will be a jumbo luge course waiting to be added to." --Brian, living in a highly saturated and cold area
--"Scott, fuck you. Fuck you up the ass. Sorry, I meant Nate. Actually, Scott spelled 'ridiculous' wrong, so fuck him, too." --Andrew
--"I wonder when all the people who didn't vote are gonna get killed by the 'Vote or Die' campaign. Puffy is going door-to-door killing people right now, I bet." --Mike
--Anth: "Hey, know when you get something in your eye and someone says, 'Just blink, it'll go away.'? It always seems to work, but where does that stuff go? In some secret place behind your eyes? I would think after years and years the little secret place would get filled up. Unless there is no secret place. So where does that crap go?"
Mike: "In your case, it seems to be cutting into your brain."
--Chaz: "Webb, you are such an Orson Scott Card."
Webb: "Can a nigga' get a zing?"
Chaz: "Thought you'd like that."
--Me: "Kala was sort of...fat...and dumb...and slutty..."
Brendan: "I like that combination."
--"I was named Adam, after the first person, which, translated into his own language, was 'Ugh.'" --Adam
--"He's all, 'Hey, baby-style. This sure is a nice Internet. Do you want to come to my house and watch me do karate kicks?'" --Brendan
--Me: "You know...at the end of Amelie, she had sex with that guy pretty abruptly. Considering they'd never had an actual conversation. But Last Tango in Paris and all that. I guess."
Amante: "I wish I could get some tango."
--"Don't give it to me...only do." --Brendan, referring to leave time
--Mike: "My AIM at home has been signed on now for twenty-one days, seventeen hours, and forty-six minutes. Anyone ever break that record, or know anyone who has?"
Chaz: "You win. But not really. Loser."
--"We need to find a slut...a virgin, wannabe slut..." --Brendan
--"I'm taking that high school quiz...Surprise! I'm a loner." --Peter
--"You gotta help me, I'm stuck inside your answering machine!" --Brendan
--"I'm afraid of walking that far in the cold darkness all alone. Visions of rapists dance in my head." --Kate
--Brendan: "They made a video for it, which was apparently really controversial."
Me: "It involved..."
Brendan: "Oh, boy."
Me: "...The girl from 'Smack My Bitch Up'...having sex with the guy from 'Rabbit in Your Headlights'...while the lead singer of the Cardigans attempted to play Chicken with him..."
Brendan: "Geez. That's pretty harsh."
Me: "...And Madonna masturbated in the back seat while...
Brendan: "I don't think I could take that."
Me: "...Vanilla Ice ate her out..."
Brendan: "NO."
Me: "While!"
Brendan: "NO!"
Me: "2 Live Crew played on the radio..."
Brendan: "STOP! PLEASE!"
Me: "AND!"
Brendan: "GOD! NOOOOOOOO!"
Me: "Okay, I'm out."
Brendan: "*sobs uncontrollably*"
--Kiernan: "Did you make a New Year's resolution?"
Me: "Ha ha, is this really Jason?"
Kiernan: "What, I haven't said 'FUCK' yet?"
--Kiernan: "So you guys liked The Life Aquatic? The local paper said Dafoe is really good and wondered if he might not have been better suited to play Zissou."
Me: "Oh, please. That would have been so stupid."
Kiernan: "YOU would have been so stupid."
--John: "I always knew you were swift."
Me: "As much as I like Swift, I prefer Austen."
John: "Wow. So not the Steph I married."
--Me: Nathan swears I just called you 'Grant.' However, I did not."
Kiernan: "I'm hurt."
Me: "That I didn't call you 'Grant'? I'm sorry, Grant.
Kiernan: "Fuck you, I'm siding with Nathan on this one."
Me: "Gee, Grant, I'm awful sorry."
Kiernan: "All right, this schtick is getting real old, Scheky Coin."
--Me: "Did you get drunk for New Year's? OH, MY GAWD."
Kiernan: "Nah, I had a little something, something, but I didn't get drunk, and it was FRUITY AND GAY."
Me: "Hawaiian Punch!"
Kiernan: "That is a black man drink."
--"You wash dishes well." --John
--"I heard they put Super Sour Apple Hi-C on the cloth to feed to Jesus when he said he was thirsty." --Kiernan
--Kiernan: "We just drank pop."
Me: "Fruity, gay pop? I can't believe you just called soda 'pop,' by the way."
Kiernan: "That's what it is, pop. SODA pop. What type of pop? SODA pop."
--"Imagine two cats in heat on a trampoline." --Brendan
--"Snow's continued to drift in, and they say we're going to get more. A good night for...dah-duh...dah-duh...dah-duh dah-duh dah-duh dah-duh...salsa shark." --Brian, on his plans to stay in and watch Clerks
--Me: "I WIN!"
Brendan: "*applauds*"
Me: "What do I get? A lifetime supply of ABrendanGained?"
Brendan: "Yes. But that's only the door prize."
Me: "I'll door prize YOU."
Brendan: "*waits for you to door prize him, however you may go about doing that*
--"Dear Everyone Ever: SHUT UP ABOUT LIVEJOURNAL BEING SOLD ALREADY. FOR SERIOUS. --Kisses, Leslie xoxo"
--"Mario Party 6 and beer is not such a good combination. Unless you're me. In that case, it rocks." --Jason
--Brendan: "I'll be back some time around 3:30, okay?"
Me: "All right. I'll be around."
Brendan: "You better be around! I'ma mess you up!"
--"Okay, I have to go look at it some more." --Leslie, on her her new nightstand
--Dawn of the Dead tagline: "When there's no more room in HELL, the DEAD will walk the EARTH."
*movie starts with shot of woman sleeping restlessly against oddly-textured wall*
Me: "'Oh...the wall is...made of...carpet...no...'"
Nathan: "'When there's no more room in HELL, they'll put CARPET on the WALLS.'"
--"I find out about this citywide boil water alert just as I've started this whole new 'drink more water' deal. So I've been drinking contaminated water all day long. See if I try to live healthier again!" --Alice
