--Lizzie: "At the end of 'Pride and Prejudice'...the big kiss. Does anyone else think that it is spoiled by Darcy's hat?"
Ann: "Yeah, I was thinking, 'Take off the hat!'"
John P.: "Better still, remove the bit of tree that gets thrown down Elizabeth's cleavage as they make their way to the coach!"
--"He told your mom that he wants to kiss you?" --A different Mark
--"Ugh, dude! Shit! Man! Fuck!" --Paco
--"I hate my major more than I hate Pepsi, and that's a lot of hate, my friends." --Jill
--"Why don't you go outside and play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself?" --Jill
--"Oh...There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here." --Peter's afterthought
--"Bush sees men on Mars." --AOL headline
--Me: "'Ello, chum."
Peter: "'Ello, luv."
Me: "'Ow's it going, then, eh?"
Peter: "Bloody awful."
Me: "Well, bloody 'Ell."
Peter: "'Ow's your bloke?"
Me: "'E's gettin on well enow, thanks. What's so bloody awful about a bloody Friday?"
Peter: "Eh, nuthin'."
--Peter: "Drink anything on New Year's Eve?"
Me: "Lemonade. :^) "
Peter: "Aw, c'mon. It's New Year's. You should've drank something."
Me: "Pshaw. Pshaw. Did YOU drink anything?"
Peter: "Nah."
Me: "HA! You!"
Peter: "I was alone."
--"Mom is talking on the phone and still dialing it...I have no idea what she's saying...I think she has lost it." --Dad
--Me: "That would be low. Even for me."
Tyler: "Are you trying to say you're a low person?"
Me: "Um...yes."
Tyler: "*smacks me with his jacket, walks out*"
--Leslie: "In '2+2=5," am I the only one who hears, "DAN RATHER, PENETRATION, PENETRATION" instead of, "because you have not been paying attention, paying attention'?"
Walter: "Funny, I always thought he said, 'Stand by me in detention, in detention.' Which made perfect sense to me, for some reason. And now that I've listened to it a few times, I'm realizing that I think he says all three of those things. Possibly that Dan Rather is in detention for not paying attention. Is it possible that Thom Yorke is that brilliant? Or that Dan is that inattentive?"
Leslie: "I think Thom needs some diction lessons. I don't want to think about Dan's inattentive penetrations. *attemps to Windex mind*"
--"We witnessed firsthand what happens when the lead singer doesn't blow his brains out with a shotgun." --Kasey's music review
--"Sorry, I forgot you spent most of the late 90's in a drug- and alcohol-induced haze." --Peter
--Amante: "Have you ever tried talking to someone from Chile before?"
Me: "Not that I'm aware of. But that's a great question. Why?"
Amante: "Man, it's really difficult."
--Me: "Hold on, gotta clean my bowl out. *ahem* Soup bowl, I mean."
Amante: "Got it."
Me: "Never heard 'bowl,' before, but it sounded pretty, ah, metaphorical, I thought. Just wanted to clarify."
Amante: "I was thinking more along the lines of toilet bowl, but, okay, go do your things."
--"There's a prostitute in the video, quite a good video. --someone reviewing Depeche Mode's original "Strangelove" video
--"Ever get one of those songs with an anti-climactic buildup? Because 'Nothing Like a Song' does that to me and I keep on thinking, 'Oh, man, this is the part where she holds the note and the full orchestra bursts and fucking angels come down from Heaven and dance around me with their love and glory,' and it doesn't happen. And it makes me sad sometimes, Stephanie." --Amante
--My away message: "'He knows where he's taking me / Taking me where I want to be / I'm taking a ride with my best friend.'"
Amante: "I love the quote."
Me: "Depeche Mode...one of their best...oh, man...live version...right now..."
Amante: "Heh heh heh."
Me: "Lovely, lovely...that's right, baby..oh, yeah...uh-huh...
Amante: "Live Modest Mouse...ooh..."
Me: "Oh. My. Godzzzzzzzzzzzz...Good zonnnnnnnnnnnnng. This afternoon...I was feeling really...no...and then...watching a concert...this...yes...man...different version...doesn't matter...no reason this song should cheer anyone up...or bring anyone down, for that matter...but it was so great...the end...What are you up to just now?"
Amante: "I am trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT."
Me: "Talking about...this great fucking...music...oh, man...beyond words...beyond sentence structure...for some reason, made me feel so much better earlier...oh, man...haven't listened in so long...oh. Man."
Amante: "Calm...the...fuck...down!"
Me: "Not...uncalm...in the least...just in awe...music is this big thing...I am very small...and any fleeting emotions...momentary downs...are so miniscule in comparison...so miniscule...the music transcends...and I think...'Why am I worrying about work?...It's possible to feel like this...Enjoy the moment'...Thank you...for letting me say that."
Amante: "STEPHANIE. HEY, HEY, HEY. I GOT AN IDEA."
Me: "Yes?"
Amante: "Breathe!"
Me: "But this is one of the best parts..."
Amante: "BREATHE AFTER THAT PART."
--"I would pay to see Nathan throw something." --Amante
--"MY name's Jason! I'M nineteen! I want to be a lesbian!" --Jason
--"Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people 'Everybody but Me.'" --Alice
--"Remember that one time you said you were going to kiss me and then you stabbed me in the stomach?" --Wout
--"Last week I was hit on by a woman at the post office! It was flatteringly weird." --Lauren
--"I got a voicemail today from an unidentified person. Now, I could be wrong, but I don't think it was for me. She said Jerome is her baby's daddy, and the money was supposed to be on W. 34th, BUT IT WASN'T, AND YOU SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH HER. *backs off*" --Jill
--"I drank a full glass of Pepsi today, and was totally disgusted with myself. It was a die hard situation, folks. There was no Coke in sight and I needed caffeine like whoa." --Jill
--"I am slowly turning into an old person. I reported a restaurant to the health department today for 'unsanitary conditions.' Yes, I know, I'm out of control." --Lauren
--"Look up 'the suck' in your dictionary and it will say, 'Alice's basement flooding and Alice only getting three hours of sleep.'" --Alice
--"I'm gonna shove expired coupons for Dunkin Donuts in her purse when she isn't watching! She's going to look like a fool when she tries to
redeem them." --Andy's friend
--Sarah: "You're probably always right."
John: "There, there, Sarah. Certainly it's time to drop the word 'probably.'"
--Sarah: "Name my snake."
Wout: "I offer 'Wout' or 'Mom, I hate you' (to be pronounced screaming)."
--"Whenever something starts to turn your very good mood into a bitchy one...remember to put in just about anything that Prince recorded in the 80's." --Alice
--"Let's get back to Biblican standards of marriage. How much for your daughter?" --Michael
--"Fuchno." --someone's screenname
--"Drinkthendrive." --someone else's screenname
--"Sometimes...you can think things...and not say them." --Grant
--Question: "What color looks best on you?"
Brian: "Black, from head to toe, particularly covering the face."
--Question: "Have you ever drawn someone nude?"
Brian: "No. I guess I'm afraid someone might find it."
--Question: "What animals are you afraid of?"
Brian: "None, unless they're charging my car."
--"I find it hard to believe that a guy that markets abdominal excercise equipment is really called 'John Abdo.' I mean, really." --NJ
--"You can't be part of a metaphor about yourself. It just doesn't work." --Erica
--"Show up at her house tonight and eat her food, without asking." --Nancy's idea for revenge against a mother
--Question: "Do you have a 'hot spot'?"
Angie: "Yeah, my hand, when I stick it in the oven."
--"I bet Bush is banging Edwards on the side and Kerry is jealous." --Nathan
--"I hate Kyle! Kyle spammed all over me, too! And Kyle better not do it again! Or I will hate Kyle again!" --John
--"It was almost six A.M. and I was staring out the window at the stoplight, waiting for it to stop flashing and turn green. I'd been watching for about five minutes when this guy pulled up in a van. He got out, so I looked over to see what he was doing. He got a newspaper from the machine out front, got back in his van, and left. I looked back up at the light, and it had turned green. I hate my life." --Matt
--"Every Monday, I will tune in and watch big, sweaty guys beat the crap out of each other and then spend 20 minutes on the microphone, explaining why they just beat the crap out of each other, and I have a great time with that." --Andy, on why he likes wrestling
--"What's the deal with Sarah's LiveJournal entries? I mean, they're not live and they're not journal." --A different Jason altogether
--*Brian quotes a love song*
VB: "Wonderfully written and so very sad!"
Brian: "It's from Toy Story 2..."
--"Valentine's Day is stupid. As are relationships. I'm killing myself tomorrow." --Sarah S.
--"We knew of this fish that had been in the bush for months, decaying. So I got it out with a stick and then we lit a cigarette and put it in its mouth. I'm sure he was happy." --Sophie
--"I've decided I've gained a few unnecessary pounds. This is my new diet: Slim Fast. One for breakfast and one for lunch and a sensible dinner...I'm doing to die. :(" --Daizy
--"I'm aggravated. I have noticed math really sucks. The only class I'm really enjoying is English. I think. My brother is annoying. I should wrap him in tape. At lunch, Julian, Scott, and I got a free taco from Jessica, she had, like, a whole bag of them. It was cool. Yeah. After school, Logan and I always swing at the park and he tries to speak Spanish with all the Mexican kids there. It's cool." --Richard
--"Why? I don't know, but it really is as stupid as it sounds." --Don
--*I walk into the bedroom, Nathan's asleep*
Me: "Look at you, all curled up."
Nathan: "Loud..."
Me: "Loud?"
Nathan: "Yeah."
Me: "Who?"
Nathan: "What?"
Me: "The neighbors?"
Nathan: "No, no, no...publishing."
Me: "Publishing?"
Nathan: "No, it's the name of a company."
Me: "Heh heh heh..."
Nathan: "No, really, it's the name of the company."
Me: "Loud?"
Nathan: "No, no, I'm serious."
Me: "Okay."
Nathan: "No, no, really, I mean, really, I'm serious."
Me: "I believe you."
Nathan: "Mmm..." *falls back asleep*
--"You know what to do. At the sound of the beep, do it." --Dad, on my parents' answering machine
--"WAIT! Were your parents retarded?! BECAUSE YOU'RE SPECIAL!" --a wallflower's pick-up line
--Kaz: "Your taste isn't everyone's, you know."
Amante: "Yeah, I know, it's mine. Who the hell else's would it be? I hate that comment. 'Well, that's just your opinion.' Everyone already knows it's my opinion, by virtue of the fact that I said it. No need to restate the obvious."
--Amante's Quiz Results: "You are an indie asshole. Some of your music is good, but for the most part, it's awful. You think you are better than everyone. Someone could shit on a guitar and you would call it art. Get a life, you prick."
Amante: "As if there was any fucking doubt!"
--Me: "I want something to make fun of."
Sarah: "Good deed for the day: *walks into room, ready to be made fun of*"
--"I totally lost my cool, 'Yeah, I'm walking on the sidewalk' demeanor and I waved frantically." --Kate
--Me: "This guy's deep."
Nathan: "Yeah...no wonder he wrote Big."
--"Oh, yes, friends, it was as though Julia Child's spirit possessed my body." --Annie, on making tuna melts
--Me: "So what's new?"
Dad: "Been busy making money."
Me: "Selling drugs to nuns again?"
Dad: "Just elementary school kids."
--"Maybe this new movie will give anteaters half a chance!" --reviewer at IMDB.com
--*Wout signs off, then back on*
Me: "My GAWD, how rude was THAT?"
Wout: "What did I do to anyone?"
Me: "Oh, please. Mr. Casual. Pshaw."
Wout: "You were the one signing on at 1:29 A.M.! How rude is THAT?!"
Me: "Well, pretty rude, I admit."
Wout: "It reminds me of that one time you puked on my shoes. That was pretty rude."
Me: "Hey! That was SO not my fault. I was going to throw up and you walked RIGHT in my path."
Wout: "Oh, so now it's YOUR path?!"
Me: "Oh, well, it only had my NAME on it."
Wout: "Oh, so now you have a NAME. Is that what you're trying to say?"
Me: "I was trying to say it, but my mouth was full. I had a name, then. I left it on that path."
Wout: "I saw that path. I was there, once. Someone puked on my shoes, if I remember well." I should just start posting transcripts of chats with Wout. But I'm not gonna.
--"I remember having the stupidest dream yesterday. You weren't in it." --Wout
--Wout: "In my dream, I was calling people on the phone, asking, 'Can I talk to Steph, please?' and they all said, 'She's not here.'
Me: "You should have asked for VIOLET."
Wout: "If I wanted to ask for Violet, yeah, I should wake up first, then start calling people and ask for Violet. THAT would be the stupidest."
--Wout: "I dreamt about suffering from insomnia. Very boring. And then I woke up and I STILL couldn't get any sleep. It was so stupid, you wouldn't believe it."
Me: "Boring dreams always make me tired."
Wout: "What a coincidence, I've always wanted to kill random people, too."
--Wout: "Did you see that one movie, Waterworld?"
Me: "Looked very bad."
Wout: "Kevin looked pretty bad, yes. He's been losing quite some hair, lately. But enough about Kevin. How's Charlize?"
Me: "No, please. Let us discuss Kevin more."
Wout: "I was hoping you were going to say that. So...1...2...3..."
Me: "KEVIN!"
Wout: "SIDEBURNS."
Me: "Oh. Damn."
Wout: "I was gonna say Kevin, too, but I thought you were gonna say, 'SIDEBURNS.' Sorry."
--Me: "My friend gave me a Native American name once. It was 'One of Few Words.' You'd think, being my friend, she'd know better."
Wout: "Maybe you just THOUGHT she was your friend. I mean, what a name! Which one of those Few Words were you, by the way? She didn't tell you THAT, did she?!"
Me: "She never told me. But I bet it was 'SIDEBURNS.'
Wout: "Or 'KEVIN!' You'll never know. Unless, of course, you ask her. I'll ask Jason Falkner. He's my friend, now. He just sent me a message. It started with, 'Hey, Wout,' so it probably was really him."
--Me: "Jason Falkner...was he the one who stole my handbag at Mesker last year?"
Wout: "No."
Me: "Who is he, then?"
Wout: "I think you puked on his shoes once."
Me: "Ohhhh, THAT guy?"
Wout: "One of those guys, yes. Remember, you puked on lots of people's shoes. Not to mention three pairs of Kevin Costner's shoes. After having seen The Postman, I puked on his shoes, too. If that's any consolation."
Me: "Are you sure that wasn't Kevin JONES?"
Wout: "Kevin Jones? The guy who stole my handbag at Mesker last year? Are you sure that wasn't KELLY Jones?"
Me: "No, I think it was Kelly CAPOWSKI, you know, from 'Saved by the Bell'?"
Wout: "Are you sure that wasn't VLADIMIR Capowski, the Russian drug dealer?"
Me: "Are you sure you don't mean Vlad the IMPALER?"
Wout: "Are you sure you don't mean MARIA the Impaler?"
Me: "Perhaps you're referring to Mario Puzo, writer of The Godfather?"
Wout: "No, no, I'm pretty sure about Maria the Impaler. I should know, she puked on my shoes, once, whereas Mario Puzo didn't."
Me: "Are you sure? I thought he did that one time...at the zoo?"
Wout: "I couldn't know, I wasn't there. But then, neither was he. So maybe you're right."
--"I don't remember the monkey." --Wout
--"Your head looks like a pair of shoes. That's not a compliment." --Wout
--"Ew. That is so German." --Wout
--"I think the presidential candidates should be tortured on national television and whoever says the funniest thing while being electrocuted, that guy wins. Funny screams don't count, except when they're remarkably funny." --Wout
--Wout: "*covers ears*"
Me: "*throws Kleenex box at hands covering your ears*"
Wout: "I didn't say I was covering them with my hands! I was, in fact, covering them with your Kleenex box, so TOUGH LUCK."
--"The Kleenex box is a gift from you, from years ago, from when you puked on my shoes. You gave it to me to clean them. I kept the box, together with the memory." --Wout
--"I throw away things at least seven times before I throw them away permanently. It's a habit." --Wout
--Me: "So how's it feel to be nineteen?"
Wout: "It feels...strange. Like I have this urge, I think you can call it, all of a sudden, to grab a kitchen knife and stab all the people around me in the chest. Actually, I don't think that has much to do with being nineteen. It might, though."
--"I can't say, 'I'm not eighteen, yet,' if people ask me why I don't have why driver's license, if people ask why I don't drink, if people ask why I can't count to ten properly..." --Wout
--"It's time to send out some more pigeons." --Wout
--"I forgot Valentine's Day meant something in some places. Over here, it's just a bunch of hearts on TV. And another bunch of them in stores. And more red lingerie sales than average. That's about it." --Wout
--"No. I have been sending lots of people emails under that name, but not you." --Wout
--"Anything wrong with the e-mails? To worry about? Just the regular 'I want to kill you' crap? Yeah, I get those all the time." --Wout
--Me: "I always assumed the e-mails were from my friend...and I just mentioned something about it to him...after getting these emails for months...and he's like, 'What are you talking about?'"
Wout: "It's definitely him. That's the most suspicious reaction you could get."
--"Does that 'friend' of yours have an MSN profile? Because if he hasn't, that's ONE thing they have in common. And I always say, 'If there's one, there's two,' etc. Till forty. There's NO WAY people could have forty things in common." --Wout
--Me: "Maybe I'll just e-mail them and say, 'I'm sorry, who the hell are you again?'"
Wout: "And then he probably answers, 'I'm not your friend, that's for sure,' which would be suspicious, because you didn't ask him anything about him being your friend or not. I think you should start considering having a serious talk with your friend."
--"I'll continue my search. For JUSTIC. *DUN DUN DUN* Eh, justice. *dun dun...dun* Well, I might as well continue my search for Justic, too. That guy's been missing for so long, that Slovakian guy."
--"They're nice shoes. They remind me of your face, but upside down." --Wout
--"I don't know, I've never been in Slovakia. Which leads me to the conclusion that that guy who sends you e-mails MUST BE from Slovakia. Say it with me! 1, 2, 3, SIDEBURNS." --Wout
--"So far, I've collected the following evidence: He doesn't have sideburns. He answered, following to a direct confrontation with his victim, and I quote: 'What are you talking about?' I think that's enough to put him away for life. Not his life, though. Probably for my life." --Wout
--Wout: "I don't have a wrong eye. Must be an ancestor thing. My grandfather's full name was, in fact, George 'Wrong Eye' Peeters. But that's a coincidence, for sure. He did have a wrong eye. Also coincidence. You couldn't imagine how wrong his eye was."
Me: "No wonder everyone makes fun of you."
Wout: "He had to buy a lot of shoes..."
--Wout: "Don't you make fun of Yu, too! Yu is my fat, Asian wheelchaired friend."
Me: "Come on. Let's be honest. Yu's a loser."
Wout: "He has suffered a lot already."
Me: "Yu's a nobody. Yu's a moron. Yu deserves it."
Wout: "Yu's not Brazilian. If that's what you want to hear."
Me: "He still deserves it."
Wout: "He deserves what? Being fat? Being Asian?"
Me: "No, being ugly!"
Wout: "No one deserves that!"
Me: "Yu does!"
Wout: "Being ugly is something you EARN! He earned it!"
Me: "Well, he has! What can I say? Are you trying to imply that Yu HASN'T earned it?"
Wout: "I say, let Yu be an example for the rest of us."
--Wout: "You were in control of that train, Steph. You could have stopped what turned out to be a terrible moment for Yu's family."
Me: "Like I said, Yu deserved it."
Wout: "It was worse. His grandfather was nicknamed Chan 'Wrong Eye' Yu. It doesn't get a lot worse than that. Except of course, beerwurst, which is somewhat worse."
--"Imagine beerwurst being brewed by Yu's brewing industries." --Wout
--Me: "It's my favorite pun of all time."
Wout: "No, it's not. It's mine. It's my favorite."
--Wout: "There's a breakthrough in my princessmaite case."
Me: "What's the breakthrough?"
Wout: "That's top-secret."
Me: "You can trust me. I never told anyone about that time George was running with scissors."
Wout: "It involves your friend and a truck loaded with Slovakian beerwurst, though. That's all I can tell you."
--Wout: "You were right about Maite. I was Maite all the time."
Me: "Well, 'Maite,' perhaps you'd care to explain the meaning of 'uggabugga'?"
Wout: "'Uggabugga' is Canadian for, 'Steph, I did it, it's your friend who answered you, "What are you talking about?" when you confronted me with the facts. By the way, I'm both gay and Slovakian.'"
--"'In 1986, Nobody Was Wearing Slippers.' I just read it on the front page of today's paper." --Wout
--Me: "Nathan turned on 'The Simpsons.'"
Wout: "Not the episode in which Homer says something stupid!"
Me: "Well, let's see...Marge is pulling stuffing from a turkey. There's Homer. He's not saying anything. And Bart's trying to suffocate Lisa with a cushion. Okay, it's a Thanksgiving episode. It's the one where Bart throws Lisa's centerpiece into the fire and then he runs away and goes to a homeless shelter and they film him on TV saying, 'Ha ha, I didn't apologize.'"
Wout: "Oh, yeah, even I saw that one."
Me: "Quit lying."
Wout: "Okay, okay, I HATE BLACK PEOPLE."
Me: "I knew it!"
Wout: "Fuck. I don't know where that came from."
--Me: "I love Yu so much I hate him."
Wout: "Same here, except I love him so little I hate him."
--Me: "Ah, no reply from Maite yet."
Wout: "Ah. Reply."
Me: "My thoughts exactly."
Wout: "And so unoriginal."
--Leslie: "Picture this. John and I are sitting on the couch, having a nice, innocent talk. The cat approaches and John pets the kitty. And then, *BAM*, casually strolls right across his lap. The cat is then dubbed 'Crotchwalker.'"
HB: "I have friends whose dogs are skilled with the 'double-paw nut-stomp.' Fear them."
--"*cracks whip* Now say it, baby! Say you love me! Mwahahah!" --Alice
--"What a sap. I'd kick his ass for being sappy." --Jim
--Jill: "Do you live by a motto?"
Jason: "Yeah. 'Don't fuck up.'"
--*upon viewing selections from this quotes page*
Osh: "None of these are funny--what is so great about these quotes?"
Andy: "What is great is that they are quotes of me. They are great in their connection to me. Because I am great."
--"John: "Ticket number one...West Virginia. Ticket number two..."
Me: "Oh, man."
John: "Maryland. Ticket number three! YES!"
Me: "Jesus."
John: "Kuntuckee. WEPT."
Me: "Wouldn't we all?"
John: "In. Deed."
Me: "Did you cry in front of the officer or after he left?"
John: "I gave him a blow job and he knocked off three miles."
*pause*
John: "Print."
--Read my poem and I give you permission to skip church/synnagogue/meditation next week. Oh, yes, it counts." --Christy
--"If four geeks and two dorks equal a tennis team, how many tennis teams are in southern California?" --CD
--CD: "Loosar."
Scott: "How come you can't spell 'loosar'?"
Webb: "He did spell 'loosar.'"
Scott: "Oh, yeah."
--"Fred's leaving. I'm serious, this time." --John
--"I told my mom, 'I'm going to America,' and she laughed at me." --Wout
--"HahahahaHAHAHAHAH! I can't stop laughing! I'm serious! I mean, I'm not serious! But, you know, I'm serious about the fact that I can't stop laughing!" --Wout
--"Well, people get fat sometimes, DEAL WITH IT." --Wout
--Tristan Prettyman. --an actual name No one said anything funny regarding him (surprisingly); I was reading and I just came across the name. If that's not an emo name, then I don't know what is. Whoa, whoa, UPDATE: It's apparently a woman. Yeah, well...she's probably a total dyke.
--"One time I took drugs and I died." --a different Brian
--"Dido and George W. Bush. And Patti Mayonnaise. From 'Doug.'" --Ethan's favorite voices
--Biff: "Any time I talk on the phone with some girl I met somewhere, I usually jerk off."
Scott: "While on the phone? Damn, do you just tell her, 'Here, wait a second--ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--okay, I'm back'?"
Biff: "Actually, yeah."
--Sarah: "Tell me to stop listening to XTC."
That other Jason: "Stop listening to XTC...at such a low volume, crank it up!"
--"They've gone to a better place. To that big blue board in the sky...free from SQL errors and Mark." --Mathias
--"Touché...I...guess..." --Nathan
--"The college does not make the person--it is the partying." --Osh
--"Pointer carries guns and is not very far from me--I'm scared. Luckily, his musical tastes are almost identical to mine--even scarier." --Osh
--"I hope you get pregnant." --CD
--"I sat next to two Middle Eastern-looking dudes on a plane to Chicago when I was twelve and I was all by myself. It was scary. One of them was in the bathroom during the whole flight (an hour and a half). And the other one just sat and looked around the whole time. He looked at me once and I looked up and smiled innocently. I had a feeling that I'd be the first to die." --Brent
--"My (s)mother and stepfather came to visit." --Brian
--"My wit gonna cut you up so bad...you gonna wish...you gonna wish my wit not cut you up so bad!" --Chaz
--"I apologize for my singing in the first verse, my singing in the second verse, my accent in general, and the song in general. Look, I'm SORRY, OKAY?!" --Wout
--"Passive swearing causes cancer, so think about those around you before you open your dirty mouths." --Mark Y. ?
--Me: ":^)"
Nep: "Is that an erection on that smiley's face?"
Jason: "No, but you know all about erections on faces, don't you? Particularly yours, I mean. OH. Ah, I can't even insult people, anymore. It's a sad day."
--"New band name=The Dyke Stereotypes."
--"Grandma, I appreciate the gesture in you praying for my car engine to get fixed, or for me to find a new car. But, um...newsflash...is God here? Can he get under the hood and replace my engine? NO, HE CANNOT." --Barb
--Jason: "*sniff*"
Me: "Hanky?"
Jason: "Thankee."
Me: "Oh, no problem. Found that one on the road earlier."
Jason: "Oh, that's okay. I stole mine off of a dead man. Dead guy. Dead guy works better."
Me: "Yeah, dead men are so lazy. Fucking freeloaders."
Jason: "THOSE. BASTARDS. *kicks them in the junk*" Aw. I kinda wish they had been alive, so I could get some kind of satisfaction out of that."
--Me: "Maybe I'm thinking of that Jason Michael I knew as a kid."
Jason: "Well, if you're thinking of Jason Michael, you're obviously not thinking about me!"
Me: "But! He could have spelled it differently. I never saw it written out."
Jason: "No, but I did."
Me: "Shit, you knew him, too?"
Jason: "A little. We were introduced, but he ended up being a douchebag. So, I had to kill him. And for further measure, I kicked him in the junk."
Me: "Before he died?"
Jason: "No. :^("
--Jason: "Of course he'd screw it up."
Me: "What a Jason Michael."
Jason: "Exactly."
--Jason: "My ass is about to fall off. But that's just because the chair's hard."
*pause*
Jason: "*removes any sexual context*"
Me: "*considers it removed...even though it ISN'T*"
Jason: "IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE!"
Me: "*considers it removed*"
--Me: "On a man, it's okay. But if I saw a girl in that shirt...she'd be a whore."
Jason: "Well, I was going to take a picture of Kate in that shirt, but NEVERMIND NOW."
--"Whenever you feel like it, IM me. Even when you don't feel like it!" --Jason
--"The errors are my friend." --Webb
--"I need a date! Well, I mean, a day of the month. Not a date." --Jason
--"The movie theater near me has a scrolling marquee. They are showing The Passion of the Christ and hosting the Jewish Film Festival. I know I'm bad to laugh at that." --T.
--Razz: "That's sad, but probably true."
Tony: "If it's sad, it's only said that I didn't think of it."
--"I bought a candy bar from a vending machine at work last night and noticed instructions on how to open the wrapper: 'Hold here, pull here.' I'm surprised the wrapper didn't read, 'Do not put candy bar in your pocket or pour hot coffee on it.'" --Tony
--S.: "They paid me off in chocolate bars. That's all I eat."
Tony: "Me, too. That is my secret to getting the ladies."
--Tony: "Maybe the managers at McDonald's should use better judgement in cutting people off, bartender-style."
MJ: "OH, MAN. Could you imagine? 'Sorry, sir, but you're just a fat, fucking slob and we can't serve you here anymore. You give fast food a bad reputation. So go home and eat a salad and have your heart attack somewhere else.'"
--PB: "Hey, did you already throw your old blender away? Maybe you should look at the manual, and if they don't tell you explicity that you aren't meant to use it for making margaritas, maybe we could sue them. We could be millionaires! We could just make up a story about how the smoke coming out of the belnder affected our health. And we had to paint the kitchen new."
Tony: "That blender is so old, it probably didn't even have a manual. Maybe I could sue because it didn't have stickers all over it telling me exactly how to and not to use it."
PB: "See? It's all about doing it for the first time. I wonder why no one else had that idea yet."
Tony: "Common sense and pride must be my downfall."
--"He smelled of onions and Old Spice." --Naomi
--"Dear Tanner Walle: I really, really want to go to your show tonight. Really bad. but I don't have a car, I don't have any money, and I don't have anyone to go with. I really wanted to come be entertained by you. Now, I'm pissed. Really pissed. --Sincerely, Barb" --Barb
--A different Andy: "How do you make men cry?"
Joe: "Kick them in the nuts or trash their car (more crying if the car is really nice)."
--"If someone killed my dog, I'd kill them, then I would cry so fucking hard." --Liam
--"I cried like a thirteen-year-old girl at a Justin Timberlake concert." --Scott
--"Get a guy at gunpoint and say, 'Your penis or your life,' and watch the tears." --Chris
--"I just saw Field of Dreams the other day for the first time. I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on to cry." --Grant
--Michael: "I'm not a guy, but if I said your dick was small, would that make you cry?"
Grant: "No, it would make me stab. You."
Other Andy: "No, I'd say, 'WAIT...I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL THAT WILL HELP ME WITH THIS!' I mean...er...that would never happen."
--"'Hi, I'm Peter. I notice you work in cataloguing.'" --Peter
--Heather: "When you visit, Nathan has to sleep on the floor."
Me: "Pfft."
Heather: "No pre-marital sex on the sacred air mattress."
Me: "Whoa! Who said anything about sex? We'd be in the living room, for crying out loud!"
Heather: "I DID."
--"FAGGOT BAR." --Jason K.'s suggestion for a gay bar name
--"Your mom is a lying whore. Well, maybe just a liar, I don't really know about the whore part." --Kate
--"I go back to the doctor in the morning. Hopefully, she'll be all like, 'You're cured,' and I'll be all like, 'Awesome.'" --Jill
--"I nearly destroyed a man on a motorcycle." --Sarah
--"When I got home from voting for DEAN, I didn't even have to turn on the TV to know he hadn't won. I grabbed my things and high-tailed it to Vermont to make sweet love to his eighteen-year-old son." --Jason K.
--"This thing is so ugly...anyone wanna buy it?" --Sophie, modeling her handmade belts
--"We threw stuff from our lunch at the inevitable flock of seagulls following the boat. Kev had the most fun faking out the seagulls...we were anticipating an organized attack." --Erica
--"Those smashed-up corpses--they sure are gruesome. That Angelina Jolie--she sure has some pair of lips. That Kiefer Sutherland--he sure can be creepy. That Ethan Hawke--he sure is in this movie." --A.O. Scott, reviewing Taking Lives
--"I went to another store earlier and asked if they sold money orders. The guy there sounded right proud that they didn't! *doing excellent white man impression* 'No, sir, we don't sell no money orders!'" --customer
--"Each time you masturbate, you're celebrating your sexuality and your innate capacity for pleasure, so give yourself a hand!" --article on Masturbation Month In May, in case you're curious.
--"Things I learned over spring break: 'No Cover Charge' means the beer costs $6." --Emily
--"I took a shower a little while ago and made the mistake of leaving my razor on the edge of the tub. Now, mind you, it's a Venus razor, which is a bit on the pricey side. I let the puppies in a bit ago...and just walked out to find my razor, all mauled, mangled, and unusable...laying on the living room floor. For God's sake...is NOTHING sacred anymore?!" --Alice
--Question Posed: "What is the last thing you'd ever tell someone?"
John: "Nice knowin' ya'."
--"I would like to be in a band named My Goddamn Cupcake." --Jason
--"It may have made more sense if the headline on the little note from the USPS read 'WE FUCKED UP' instead of 'WE CARE.'" --John
--"I've subconsciously fucked everyone on here. And now no one returns my calls. :(" --s.o.i.
--"I went to Shopko last night. The checkout girl was cute, but probably too young for me. There were a few smiles exchanged in a conversation that, in my head, went something like this:
Me: 'Shopko, huh?'
Her: 'Yeah. It sucks.'
Me: 'Well, at least I'm here to smile and nod at you while you ring up my paper towels.'
Her: 'Yeah, I really do appreciate it.'
Me: 'Well, I guess I'll see ya' around.'
Her: 'Of course! I can't wait.'
Actual conversation:
Me: '...'
Her: 'Swipe your card.'
Me: ''Kay.'
Man, I am a ladykiller." --Andy
--"By the way, Steph used to have intarsex with 'mygoddamnedcupcakes,' she told me." --Jason K.
--"Saying 'niggers' and meaning it is so not emo." --Jason K.
--"Hahahah. Plushies." --Jason K.
--"'There is no user 'jewhater' at Livejournal.com." --Nathan
--"'I had a great day today. I talked to Stephanie for three hours and we fucked. Then, I slept. Then, I went to work. It wasn't very busy. Then, I came home and discussed fatsos with Jason.' That's my LiveJournal EVERY DAY." --Nathan
--"Feel the wrath of Keernor as I attack your gayness." --Jason K.
--Nathan: "This Conservative/Liberal test is bullshit. 'I believe that gays and lesbians (a) are born that way, (b) are not born that way.' I believe who gives a shit if they want to fuck each other up the ass? I don't care how they're born! Jesus."
Jason K.: "That is NOT AN OPTION."
--"Why don't you go to the NRA meeting, GOP boy?" --Nathan
--"Fred Rogers should have run for president." --Jason K.
--Nathan: "It would be really funny if somebody at the .org was trying to get a job and they put you down for a reference."
Jason K.: "Like Zach did with scratch?"
--"'Jock: Used to express an extreme pleasure in someone or something, sometimes meaning a desire for said object. "You know I jock Sara!" "She jocks me, dude." "I jock the newest BMW. I jock it hard!"'" --Nathan
--"We went into the ghetto and walked on the railroad tracks. We ended up in the 'Tortilla Flats.' When we were getting ready to cross the railroad tracks, some skin heads wearing wifebeaters walked across. We got scared. We went to Nick's house for a bit...he was wearing boxers and a wifebeater...it was odd." --Sophie
--"Me and my cat have a friendly rivalry. It's not beating him when I say it's 'friendly.'" --Jason K.
--"Aw, beating kitty cat jokes aren't funnay." --Jason K.
--"Growing up near the nation's capital, I saw a lot of ugly things when I was little. From crack whores to murderers. It was the kind of childhood that really screws with your head. There's really no other explanation." --John, explaining the screenname orgyboy
--Webb: "Good gay bar names...anyone got any?"
Kate: "Sticks. Mud Hole. Gay Bar."
Webb: "'Gay Bar'? That's horrible."
Me: "Benfolds.org. Oh, and Akbar and Jeff's."
Kate: "I don't get it."
Webb: "Yeah, but you get 'Gay Bar'? FREAK."
Michael: "Oh, yeah--AIDS Contraction Center."
Webb: "God dammit, man! Have some fucking tact!"
Lembit: "I Don't Know Any Gay Bars Because I Am Not Gay."
Webb: "That's too bad. You are one sexy bastard."
--"CREEPY. I mean, okay." --Grant
--Kate: "My sister's fiancé had his friends book him a bachelor party at a bar. It was called Sticks. It was a gay bar. He did not have fun. What terrible friends."
Webb: "Terrible or great."
--"Fucking losers. I hope one of you turn out to be a killer. Meeting on the Internet is a stupid thing." --Zach
--Max: "Man, this thread is way too easy."
Webb: "Your mom is easy. And by that, I mean we went on a date and I totally had sex with her, like, right away. She was just, like, all, 'Wanna have sex?' and I was like, 'Damn, bitch, you're really easy, does your son know that you're such a slut?' and she was like, 'Shut up and just do me.' So, yeah, your mom is kinda a slut. No offense, I mean, I really love her, like, you know, I wanna marry her and stuff. I'd love to be your dad, I think you need one. You definitely need an authority figure like me in your life right now. Your mom has been telling me some stuff that you've been doing lately and it sounds like you really need some direction, some purpose, something to keep you from fucking up so much. I think I can be that person. Will you let me in? Please. For your mom, do it."
Max: "Haha, weird people, but you make me laugh, so it's okay."
Webb: "Fine, I didn't wanna be your fucking dad anyways."
--"I've got a job for you. RIGHT. HERE. See, look, this zipper's been broken for over a month. I've had to use a damn safety pin." --Jason
--"I heard at least three Nickelback songs. I can't differentiate them. They all blow me." --Jason
--"Mrsbenfolds...more like MrsPOPEfolds." --Jason K.
--Nathan: "I earned a reputation of being kind of an asshole."
Jason K.: "Boy, I can't imagine who would make a mistake like that, ASSHOLE."
--"That robotic female voice is indeed my female robot." --Peter
--"I've always said if they make a new Dirty Dancing film (God forbid), it should be called Dirty Dancing 2: Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner...AGAIN!" --Chaz
--"Dirty Dancing is so awful, especially that theme song that will be at every wedding anyone of us will ever go to for the rest of our Swayze-invaded lives." --P
--"I have this mixed CD of Disney songs that I put on while I work out. That stuff really gets me going." --Chaz
--"Stay away from the L'oreal Color Expert kits. I'm looking like scenester Rainbow Brite on really potent crack." --Leslie
--Heather: "Hi, Steph. How are you?"
Me: "I'm okay...kinda freaked out. I watched a scary movie earlier. Very stupid of me. I should have known better."
Heather: "What was the movie?"
Me: "The Ring. Ever seen it?"
Heather: "Yes. It wasn't scary." The following is what happens when you have a long conversation with Heather.
--Me: "Getting to knooooooooow youuuuuuuuuuuuu..."
Heather: "MEMORIES...did I spell that right? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ."
--"Just don't fall in the woods and break your ankle, you'll be okay." --Heather's advice for surviving post-horror movie fright
--Heather: "Maybe you should take some self-defense classes."
Me: "Self-defense won't help against spooks!"
Heather: "You should take spook defense classes, they're fun."
--Heather: "'If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.'"
Me: "Man, they're gone."
Heather: "Yeah, that's what I said, Beavis."
--Me: "There's a road near here I just found the other day called Ashton Lane."
Heather: "Steal the sign, we can put it in his room."
--Heather: "Ashton is here, too."
Me: "Hi, Ashton. I'll steal a sign for you, baby."
Heather: "He said it doesn't matter, 'cause he never learned to read."
--"He is playing with the phone. He likes to call China. I think they understand him better than I can. He just sits there and turns the phone off and on." --Heather
--Me: "When do babies usually start saying actual words?"
Heather: "He says, 'mama,' and, 'dada,' and, 'clock.' I think he told Adam to 'stop it' once."
--Heather: "Who else are you talking to?"
Me: "My friend Peter."
Heather: "Pan."
Me: "How did you know?"
Heather: "He flies in my window every night and takes me to Never-Never Land, it's fun. Great times we have, me and that Peter guy. Ashton gets upset, because he can't go, he's too fat."
Me: "He can't think happy thoughts because he's fat?"
Heather: "He won't fit through the window."
Me: "Fatty McJohnson."
Heather: "McFatty Me."
--"You told them I was fat?" --Heather
--Me: "Hey, Heather, do you remember once, when we were at the park in Florida, I think I was in first grade, so you were probably in sixth grade, and these two girls came to the park, and I knew them from school and they kind of got on my nerves, and to get them to leave, you told them that some birds flying by were really bats?"
Heather: "No, I don't."
Me: "The older one kept saying, 'They are not!' But you said, 'Yes, they are. Our dad's a cop and he told us,' so then she believed us."
Heather: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. She was annoying. They moved back to the Philipines when I was in second grade."
Heather: "The bats must have scared them away. They eat bats in the Philipines. With mustard."
--Heather: "Jared Leto is HOT."
Me: "Eh...I don't really think so..."
Heather: "I do."
--Heather: "Whatever happened to Claire Danes? I really like her, she's HOT."
Me: "She is. I made a list of HOT women and she was on it."
Heather: "Who else is on the list? ME? My dragqueen friend Laquesha?"
--Me: "Neevaaal versus Tuunaa."
Heather: "Huh?"
Me: "Aw, come on, it's something that happened to ME in middle school, why don't YOU remember? There were these two girls in my shop class, they were named Jennifer Neval and Tammy Tunu. This guy I really hated, Johnny Short, was always making fun of them. He called them 'Neeval' and 'Tuna.' They were best friends, but once, they got into an argument during class and started shouting at one another..."
Heather: "I remember now."
Me: "Aw, man, just when my story was gaining momentum."
Heather: "Keep going, it's still funny."
Me: "Oh. Well. During a pause in their argument, Johnny, who was standing nearby, suddenly shouted in this really deep 'What uuuuuuuuuuuup?' voice, 'NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVAL. VERSUS TUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAA.'No one but me seemed to find it funny, but I hated Johnny, so I was trying really hard not to laugh."
Heather: "I think I would've peed my pants. I think I will, now."
--Heather: "So when are you gonna be on TV?"
Me: "I dont know, I'll have to try a little harder. I could do something really stupid, and when as they're putting me into the cop car, I could shout, 'AH WANNA GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MAH FAM'LY UP IN EVANSVILLE, INDIANA!'"
Heather: "Sounds like fun."
--Later... "What was it that Heather said about you being on TV?" --Mom
--Mom: "Your dad is mad because Dr. Winchell told me I couldn't ride on the motorcycle with him anymore because of my back. I know he'll want to get me a side car to ride in. No way would I ride in the side car."
Me: "People would laugh at you on the road."
Mom: "Yeah, I know, I would laugh, too."
--"Ashton is about to walk on his own. He lets go, but dives toward you." --Mom
--Later... Me: "Mom said he starts to walk on his own, then dives at you."
Heather: "He doesn't."
Me: "He doesn't dive at you? Mom lied about the diving? AGAIN?"
Heather: "Sorry, I hit the wrong key. He does dive. He doesn't have any common sense."
Me: "Maybe he has Flying Baby Syndrome."
Heather: "Like his daddy."
--"Ashton was trying to attack the toilet. He always tries to attack things. He really likes to wrestle with Fatty Magoo. She just lays there and lets him do it." --Heather That would be cheyenne.
--Heather: "HEY, there is this girl on TV, she's on one of those reality shows, I think her name is Shandi, she reminds me so much of you."
Me: "I'm on a reality show? *knocks self out* I'm going to look up this Shandi person...she looks like a thug. And this article says she is. She was arrested for burglary three years ago."
Heather: "Shut up, you're lying."
Me: "Want me to send you a link to the article? She admitted to drug use. And a 'history of crime.' On the air."
Heather: "You must be looking at the wrong person."
Me: "Shandi Sullivan. 'America's Next Top Model' hopeful. From Kansas City. Long, brown hair."
Heather: "Okay, I don't know the girl's life story, I just said she reminded me of you."
Heather: "Hahahahahah. That's..."
Me: "Sad? Pathetic?"
Heather: "Great."
Me: "Ohhhhh."
Heather: "Ohhhh?"
Me: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
Heather: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."
Me: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I get it."
Heather: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, now you get it."
Me: "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, now I get it."
Heather: "Okay."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Heather: "As long as you got it."
--"Hey, why don't you hook me up with some HOT guy to talk to over the computer? You know you know one." --Heather
--"We went to the houses that aren't finished being built yet and determined what room was going to be what when it was all finished. That's how bad this town sucks. For entertainment, the youth go to construction sites and use their imaginations. And then resort to vandalism, like we did with the neon orange spray paint and black primer." --Sophie
--"Errors are SOOOOOO 2004." --Zach
--FM: "Rockapella was the best concert I've ever been to."
Hugo: "Whoa, whoa--best concert ever? Have you ever seen Britney Spears live, man? LIVE?!"
--PR: "What's the best prank you have ever pulled on April Fool's Day?"
Jason K.: "I was planning to come out of the closet. Shit, I forgot!"
--"We need to go to Radio Shack some time. So I can get that...thing. And do some...things with it." --Nathan
--"For anyone that ever feels I don't have a certain zest to my life, I direct you to two words: blow and me. I never realized this, but I can make something as trivial as pumping gas amusing. I was pumping gas. $22.00. I look in my wall. $21 in cash. Great. So, I grab the change in my pocket. I count out a quarter and six dimes. 85¢. I look at the stack of pennies remaining in my hand. I think, 'Surely, I've got fifteen cents in these.' I count them. 13¢. I was just waiting for a trap door to open underneath me. Then, I chuckled, looked in my car, and grabbed the quarter that was laying in the cup holder. Ah. Who says I don't know how to have fun?" --Jason
--"Hmm, my internal clock is running five minutes slow again..." --Jessi
--I stole makeup from Caldor when I was nineteen. I didn't get caught or anything, but a short while later, they went out of business and I felt guilty." --Jessi
--"You turned off that cornucopia of goodness?" --Peter, on our television
--Amante: "Kasey's kids'll call me 'Uncle Amante,' how cool is that?"
Me: "What about Andrew's kids?"
Amante: "..."
Me: "..."
Amante: "I don't know."
--"Amante and the army go together like...like...like two things that don't go together at all." --Amante
--"I think Thom Yorke is kind of cute. And I feel entirely heterosexual saying that." --Amante
--"If I had that, I would put it on E-bay, not so I could sell it, but just so I could fucking GLOAT." --Amante
--"I had a cell phone that could ring like a cat or dog, and it really sounded like one. Like, I'd be in the car and my phone would ring, and I'd slam on the brakes because I thought I was going to hit a small animal. It was badass." --some Amy
--"March 1, 1996: 'The Drunk Old Lady Who got drunk once on December 19, 1995.' Kelli was an old lady. She lived in Turbville, Missouri. She was a hermit. She was the Unabomber. She was an alcaholic, though. Her Uncle Joe and Uncle Bill owned a liquor store. They were happy. She was too. After mailing her big package to California, she stopped by her Uncles' house. She asked for a Zima® but they said she was too young. So she had a Bud and a smoke. But then her Uncles went up stairs to talk. She got a bad hangover next morning, so she went to a self-help class. But she flunked. Then she found a rifle and held up a liquor store. "I want a 6-pack of Zima®." she yelled at the clerk. "But you're too-" "Darn it! I want a Zima!!!" Then she was happy, but Uncle Joe and Uncle Bill got a divorce. THE END." --Jason K.'s story
--Me: "I was having orgasms by the time I was three."
Jason: "God dammit, Stephanie, you just HAD to beat my record, didn't you? Well, whatever. GAH."
Me: "Well, hey! I've still never humped a nap mat at a day care! So you've orgasmed in front of more people than I ever will!"
Jason: "Yeah...but...uh...you...*sigh*"
--"I LOVE CABLE ON MY PC." --Dad
--"Sometimes, love is like a baboon when it bends over and you see that hot red ass and you go...um, nevermind." --osh
--"Hell, yeah, man, I don't need Asian guys at my Ben Folds shows, eating their rice and doing their math problems and raping my daughters." --Grant
--"Have you ever heard a song that simply made you, for reasons perhaps difficult to put a finger on, want to drop what you were doing and go out and buy an English cell phone? Was that song 'Tears Are in Your Eyes'?" --Ira Kaplan's online journal
--"People are just freaks. That's all. Just big, weird freaks." --Leslie
--A different Andy: "I hate Now and Laters. Sorry. I hope that doesn't affect your enjoyment of them. But I really can't eat them. They just...piss me off so much. I WISH THEY WOULD JUST GO BACK TO WHATEVER ILL-CONCEIVED PETRI DISH THEY CAME FROM! AEWUOIFHEUWIFVWEIFJIJHFIWEJIFJIWJFIR$JWI AAAH, NOW AND LATERS FLUSTER ME SO MUCH!"
Erin: "I have never seen candy instill such hostility in a person."
That different Andy: "Ya' gotta be passionate about something."
--"Pointer, I, um, don't know what to say. You might need sex even more than I do." --Jess
--"After watching Kill Bill, Vol. 1, I have realized that I am in the wrong business and my heart is pointed in the wrong directions. No, I'm not going to change my name to 'Beatrix Kiddo'...actually, 'Terry Tsuguri' sounds more appropriate...I want to be a ninja." --Brian
--"Biff is, like, totally in your face and whatnot. He's extreme to the max. He's all like, 'Whoa, check me out, I'm in your face and extreme to the max and whatnot!' --Webb
--Nathan: "It's funny, as much as I hate Robin Williams, you hate him, like, three times as much."
Me: *shrug*
Nathan: "That's a lot of hate."
--"Wow. These are wide pants." --customer review of wide-leg pants on amazon.com
--Me: "You know how sometimes you'll be talking to someone and you don't think they're listening at all, but later they make some comment on what you were saying earlier, completely out of nowhere, and you're really surprised?"
Nathan: "Yeah, that's kind of like being in a relationship with you."
--Me: "My mom and pop want to give me a call, I gotta get offline and tell 'em the good news."
Jason: "Bah! And I don't mean you can leave. I mean that as an exclaimation."
--"Look, people have told me I'm nearly the size of a small town. IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE MENTIONED ON SMALL TOWN?" --Jason
--Jason: "Who said I wasn't an attention whore?"
Me: "I did. You wanna fight? Huh, huh? *curls into fetal position, prepares to die*"
Jason: "*dahz*"
--"Want anti-everything? Try Stephanie." --Nathan
--Me: "Can I take this little, plastic freshness thing out of the Excedrin bottle? It's really, really getting on my nerves."
Nathan: "I know, it's like a little, plastic version of you."
--Ariana: *lights a cigarette in the store* Sorry, ma'am, I'll never do that again, ma'am."
Me: "Yeah, you'll give somebody CANCER pulling something like that!"
*awkward pause*
Tori: "Umm..."
Me: "Okay, sorry."
--*after I tell Tyler about my cyst, he hugs me*
Me: "You smell like cigarette smoke."
Tyler: "*not letting go* You smell like cancer."
--Daniel: "Paco's avatar makes me nauseous."
Paco: "Shut up and be thankful I lost the rock hands, you whiny little bitch! Your avatar makes me want to punch that guy in the nose (but by the looks of it, he already has been), but do you seem me complaining? No! Except just then, but that's not the point, so fuck off!"
--"Good times. Good ones, those times." --Andy
--Jason K.: "The child sex trade industry in Burma has never been hotter."
Adam: "How much is a ticket to Burma?"
--"Shit, this happened on the last board, but I was stupid and went to the FCC. They locked me in Guantanamo Bay and beat the shit out of me...then, they let me go after I lied and said I liked Bush after all." --Adam, on board moderation
--"The Commission for Underpriveleged People Who Can't Afford Zip Codes threatened legal action for oppressing their group." --Adam, on banning zip code discussion
--"I have a lot of experience with bitches." --Peter
--Lacy: "Damn, I wish I had some ice cream or Oreos."
Me: "Oh, my god, I just remembered. We have blueberry waffles!"
Lacy: "Go get 'em."
Me: "No...must...have...food...NOW...cannot wait...for...toaster...to finish...*passes out*"
*several minutes pass*
Lacy: "So did you eat your waffles?"
Me: "Not yet."
Lacy: "????????????????????????????????"
Me: "Maybe in a few."
Lacy: "Oh, I see, just stop talking to me for no reason."
*pause*
Lacy: "I don't know where those question marks came from. Really."
--Me: "I had blueberry waffles. They were so good, I'm still on a blueberry high."
Brendan: "What's that like?"
Me: "It's like that time on 'The Simpsons' when Lisa drank that Duff. 'I can seeeee the muuuuusic...'"
Brendan: "Whoa-hoh."
--Me: "Those assfucks!"
Brendan: "Like, totally."
--"It only takes two hours to cross Connecticut. And Rhode Island is only about six feet across." --Brendan
--"I had a professor tell me that if all else fails, I could write porn. I didn't know if that was a compliment or what." --Christy
--Brendan: "Don't be scurred."
Me: "Hey, maybe I want to be scurred. Maybe it's my right as a woman to be scurred."
Brendan: "If you insist."
--Me: "Were you and Chris friends?"
Peter: "No."
Me: "Okay. I was about to feel really bad for making fun of him."
Brendan: "I guess you don't now, huh?"
--Me: "What did YOU guys talk about?"
Brendan: "Not too much before you jumped on. Nothing of importance."
Me: "'Nocturnal emissions.'"
Brendan: "That's not funny."
Me: "For a girl, it is."
Brendan: "I bet."
Me: "Actually, girls have them, too. I guess it's not as common? Or messy, anyway."
Brendan: "I dunno. I'm not about to scrape that subject."
--"HAH! He said 'beats'...and then he said 'off'..." --Brendan
--"Hi, I'm Brendan [last name] and you may know me from such films as I Can't Sing, But Neither Can You." --Brendan
--"It'd be so weird if one of my quotes were one of me talking about one of my other quotes." --Brendan
--"This keyboard's got it in to me. FOR ME. DAMN YOU! A BOX!" --Brendan
--"I was just singing some Bob Marley today. I don't even like the fucker." --Brendan
--Me: "Woord."
Brendan: "Wh0rd."
Me: "That's better. I should steal that and become a Peter-Brendan hybrid."
Brendan: "Oh, Jesus, shoot me now."
Me: "I'll be like, 'Wh0rd. :^) :^) :^)"
Brendan: "Pistol-whip the shit out of me..."
--Me: "This has to be one of the most interesting conversations I've had in weeks."
John: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (sorry)"
--"I have a love-hate relationship with computers. They can break your heart or they can...uh...who cares." --Nathan
--"Redacted text is so declassified-government-document of you. I'm proud." --Jason K.
--Brendan: "Will you be able to have children normally in the future, if you wish?"
Me: "Yes, I will, but I still don't want any."
Brendan: "Me, neither. My seed needs to be killed before it spreads further."
--Brendan: "I'm like Thom Yorke in one way..."
Me: "The eye!"
Brendan: "...Okay, two ways..."
--Brendan: "So what'd you do last night?"
Me: "Some stuff you really wouldn't want to hear about."
Brendan: "Okay, now I'm curious..."
Me: "Let's just say...it involved a number. Use your imagination."
Brendan: "Um...seventy?"
Me: "Yes. Seventy."
Brendan: "My next guess was going to be sixty-eight."
--"'#$&*&%#@' --Dick Cheney" --Peter
--"The look she gave me was positively evil. I looked away and she left without saying anything to me, but I was actually kind of afraid she might be waiting to kick my ass in the parking lot. And the girl has a weight advantage on me, so that was scary." --Andy
--"You're alone in your bed when, without warning, Alfred Hitchcock gets in, completely naked. What do you do?" --Usenet poster
--"Steph's nodes." --Peter, referring to my lymph nodes
--Dad: "So, what have you accomplished over the last four weeks or so?"
Me: "I learned Polish, Dutch, and German."
Dad: "Great."
Me: "I published my third novel."
Dad: "Also great."
Me: "And I started a home for Russian orphans."
Dad: "Now, that's a good deal, for sure."
--"I made a dive for the door like, 'NOOOOOOOOOO!'" --Brendan, two minutes late for work
--Me: "I believe I've heard this Von Bondies song. In fact, it seems I saw this video the other day."
Brendan: "It's the one where you just see their feet for the majority of the clip."
*I walk away from the computer, forget to say I'm leaving*
Brendan: "While something else goes on above."
*pause*
Brendan: "Is that it?"
*pause*
Brendan: "Is that what you saw?!"
*pause*
Brendan: "IS IT?!"
*pause*
Brendan: "ANSWER ME!"
--Me: "That sounds like a Replacements video, but I do not remember that being the video I saw."
Brendan: "Yeah. Well, that's the video."
--"You're becoming a real drug addict, man." --Peter
--Me: "You like KFC?"
Peter: "Never had it."
Me: "You kid."
Peter: "Nope, just never got around to it. Why did I miss a superb dining experience?"
Me: "I think I literally busted a gut. Again."
Peter: "Actually, I was asking if I did. I forgot to put a comma after the 'why.'"
--Me: "It's really weird. When I roll over in bed now, I can feel stuff in my stomach move. I, um, THINK that's normal. Tell me that's normal. *as Tyler* 'That's normal.' Okay, thanks."
Tyler: "That's not normal. You're mutating. Soon you'll be a Ninja Turtle."
--Me: "I got so sick of playing April on the playground. Just 'cause I was a girl."
Tyler: "I know, right. Stupid bimbo."
--Me: "Oh, yeah, I was gonna ask, you need to go?"
Tyler: "Yeah, I'm gonna try to get some sleep."
Me: "Yeah, right, you're just gonna play some video games."
Tyler: "Masturbate, actually."
--"You can never stop my gayness. Ever." --Jason K.
--"In a mind-numbing daze after my exam a few hours ago, I wandered over to the local McDonald's to buy a McChicken Meal. Oh, my fucking god. Why? I hate these split-second decisions I make. I swear, I'd rather have given that money to a hooker." --Kallen
--"If you were any more of an attention whore, crack-addicted Mexican hookers would collect money to buy you a puppy." --Lauren
--EG: "Ben Folds almost hit my aunt with his car when she was going to the post office. Does he still live in Nashville? I know he did, he lived down the street from my aunt and we always saw him at the coffee shop."
Jaycie: "Have you ever talked to him at these coffee shops?"
Christopher: "I did once and he started choking on his latte, so I ran away."
Osh: "When I saw Ben in D.C. in '95, he threw his piano stool at me and almost killed me. That is why he doesn't throw it anymore. I sued him and it broke up the band a few years later."
Kate: "One time, I was having a threesome with Frally and Ben and the condom split. Needless to say, I got herpes from Ben."
--Osh: "I'm going on a date with an Asian girl tonight. What should I do on this date?"
Ned: "First off, congratulations! Second...is she a hottie Asian, or busted? If she's busted, then I'm so sorry. Asian women can be very ugly. There are two sides to them: HOTTIE or BUSTED. Well, whatever you do, hide from her father. Asian men hate it when their daughters date outside their race...unless you're very, very rich!"
--Ashli: "Ummm, Zach, this is bordering on obsession."
Zach: "No way. It's well past that."
--Amy G.: "Kinsey's, what, thirteen? Or is she fourteen now?"
Kinsey: "I don't appreciate that...I'm sixteen."
--Me: "Holy shit! BRENDAN!"
Brendan: "Jesus H. Christ! STEPHANIE!"
--Peter: "You've got posts on two forums!"
Me: "Is that unusual? Or...bad, anyway?"
Peter: "No, just observing. You've really taken over that place."
Me: "I just got this mental image...of Godzilla...that really shouldn't be that funny...but is."
*long lapse in conversation*
--Lacy: "I locked your nephew in the car yesterday."
Me: "On accident? It wasn't an accident, was it? WAS IT?"
Lacy: "The people at the church broke the door and window to get him out. So...duh."
--*after AIM keeps telling him he's on away, when he's not*
Dad: "Let's try this again."
Me: "Y'okay...Hey, no away message, there we go."
Dad: "I wonder what caused that. I didn't hit any buttons."
Me: "I did it...with my MIND."
Dad: "You are sooooo cool...in your mind."
--Me: "Some lady called and, when I answered, said, 'Stephanie?' So I said, 'Yeees?' thinking it was someone I knew...and she launched into this huge thing about a Disneyland trip. Tricky bitch!"
John: "Those Disney bitches."
Me: "'Now, doesn't that sound GREAT, Stephanie?' 'Um...'"
John: "It probably DID sound GREAT. Admit it. REALLY great."
--"I'm wearing Old Wout right now, as a matter of fiction." --John
--"I love finding rare MP3's on Soulseek. And then downloading them. And gloating about it." --Amante
--Amante: "Kasey found a video of Elliot Smith's last show."
Me: "At which he said, 'Hey, everybody, I'm gonna kill myself with a steak knife!' and they all cheered and chucked bottles of A-1 at him."
Amante: "Oh, fucking Christ. You're evil. You're so evil...I'm laughing so hard about it, though."
--"There needs to be a key shortcut for the asshole..." --Jason
--"'I didn't not have...oh, shit...fuck it.'" --Amante, doing his Bill Clinton impression
--"I've stupefied you." --Amante
--"Get offa my propertah!" --Brendan
Jason K.: "I'm gettin' out of Dodge. LATER."
Me: "Yeah, better finish mowing."
Jason: "Haha. Shut the fuck up." *signs off*
--Me: "I'm usually not on AIM a whole lot."
Brendan: "You'll have to be, now! And I have your phone number."
Me: "True."
Brendan: "I also have access to your credit cards. MWAHAHAHA!"
Me: "*cowers* Wait, I don't have any credit cards."
Brendan: "You do now."
Me: "Oh. *cowers*"
Brendan: "HA HA!"
--Me: "Aww, what a cutie pie."
Amante: "*long pause* Cutie pie? *longer pause* Why do women in other states find me attractive?"
--Me: "Stupid AIM!"
Amante: "Fuck you, AIM. Guess what."
Me: "Whaaat?"
Amante: "BOMB. 9-11. Ummmm. SADAM. KILL BUSH."
Me: "..."
Amante: "Our conversation is being monitored now...So, I fucked my girlfriend in the ass the other day."
--"Sonic breakdances on a tree stump at that part." --Amante
--Me: "This was a lot of fun."
Mark: "Let's do it more often, eh? And the talking."
--"Do I know how to hoola-hoop? In Hell." --Brian
--"Would you count full-contact pep band as a sport?" --Brian
--Peter: "That's what happens when you don't go to college."
Me: "Thanks."
Peter: "Don't mention it."
--Me: "Have you heard of the A-Teens?"
Peter: "No. And I wish I hadn't."
--"Would have made a great horror film. It Had Its Own Veins." --Peter
--Peter: "Flintstone's Chewable Vitamins?"
Me: "I took those! I was one of the 10 million strong and growing!"
Peter: "I knew it."
--Me: "Maybe I should have left one of those spiders. Trained it to guard. I could have exposed it to radiation. Attack Spider Vs. It Had Its Own Veins. And in the end, we'd all ultimately be destroyed--spider, cyst, and me, I mean--but the world would live on, spider- and cyst-free."
*long pause*
Peter: "You are one weird chick."
--"Are those the ones you do witchcraft in?" --Peter, referring to my black panties
--"Something I was gonna say...oh, yeah...I listened to 'Such a Twat.'" --Brendan
--Louis: "My uncle plays the bagpipes."
Christy: "That's my uncle."
Louis: "Oh, yeah. I forget who I am sometimes."
--"'When I die, I have visions of fags singing 'Over the Rainbow' and the flag at Fire Island being flown at half mast.' The words of Judy Garland." --Brian
--"I'm just glad the .org is back. As long as it has you guys, then the format doesn't really matter...aww...shut your ass face!" --Webb
--Brent: "Steve, I know we're all nagging on you, but when we click on the thread, take us to the most recent page, not the first, please. Takes too long to load and all that."
Matt: "Brent, you must have missed that part. If you click the white arrows, it brings you to the most recent page."
Brent: "It's too small, though, and my cursor moves too fast."
Matt: "It works fine on my computer. KARMA!"
--"The Quaker Oats man scared me as a child..." --Chris
--"*introducing his new avatar* Mine is tits. Some cunt's big, fucking tits." --Biff
--Scott: "Who are the mods? Where do we find out who the NARC's who will censor our conversations are?"
Jim: "It's Kelly and Andy."
Scott: "Kelly?! Maude Flanders is a mod?"
--"That would've been fun. And by fun, I mean fun." --Webb
--Some person: "Books. Let's hear it for books."
Chuck: "YEAH! BOOKS IN THE MOTHAFUCKIN HOUSE!"
--Webb: "I hate your face."
MN: "I was just playing, dog..."
Webb: "I still like to say, 'I hate your face.'"
--"I will be back within the hour, I promise. Sit tight. Don't freakin' move. Or we all die." --Brendan
--"Let me warn you about the package that's coming to you...whoa, that sounds ominous." --Brendan
--"By the way, there's a severed head in your mail box. I hope you don't mind." --Brendan
--*after Dad manages to crash my computer*
Brendan: "Are you yelling at your dad yet?"
Me: "I would be, but he isn't responding. Wise old Dad."
Brendan: "He wanted to crash your computer. His big thing got wrecked, so he had to wreck someone else's thing. The bastard. It's a male thing."
--Brendan: "Stephanie...this page is too long!"
Me: "The quotes page?"
Brendan: "Yes!"
Me: "Define 'too long.'"
Brendan: "This makes something on my body look like a nub."
--Me: "One minute, your glasses are fine. The next minute, you move your head a fraction of an inch to the side and--BAM!--dirty glasses."
Brendan: "THE number one cause of insanity."
--Webb: "Hey, Ned, I appreciate you using the word 'fucktard.'"
Brent: "I agree. I need to start using that word."
Webb: "And, Brent, if you really wanna be offensive, start saying, 'fagtard.' I called Josh that a long time ago and he got pissed as hell."
--"Just smoked da weed. And you can small town that." --Mark
--"Damn, Tito isn't a word." --Kate, playing Literati
--"Seriously, I've got a friend that does 'your mom' jokes every ten seconds. See, if I said that to him, he'd say something like, 'Well, I do your mom every ten seconds.'" --Jason
--Me: "Have a nice evening."
Mark: "Well, okay. It'll be hard without you...and the evening."
Me: "You make better puns than anyone I know. And I know a lot of pun-makers, if you know what I mean."
Mark: "No, actually, I don't."
--"Who says chivalry is a dead art?" --Brendan, when I open a door for him
--Brendan: *after I intentionally step on his foot* "Like I can even feel that. Now, if I'd just shined these shoes, you'd be out the door. Actually, you'd be through that window. You'd be out in the street."
Me: "During College Road rush hour?"
Brendan: "Yes."
Me: "You'd feel bad. One day. A long time from now."
Brendan: "Yeah, maybe when they were about to throw the switch for the electric chair, I'd think, 'You know, I guess I am kind of sorry I killed that bitch.'"
--"Haw." --Peter
--"Funny, I'm only on there once. Actually, I suppose it's not that funny." --Jason
--Christy: "Guess who I saw the other day? Your favorite person. Hint: Beodawg.'"
Me: "SCOTE!" [sidenote: Scot Martin is a gangster-wannabe English teacher the entire class disliked.]
Christy: "YES. I was leaving a building on campus as he was walking in. I guess he's getting his master's or something. He was wearing a ghetto jersey and chains and sunglasses."
Me: "Did he spot you?"
Christy: "He looked at me, like he recognized me..."
Me: He said, 'Whizzi WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUp?'"
Christy: "...I just stared at him, then ran."
Me: "He's still chasing you. He emailed me, asking about you."
Christy: "He said, 'Hey, tell Stephanie I said hi, she was a cutie.'"
--Jason: "I hate dark chocolate."
Me: "Freak."
Jason: "'Freak'?!@"
Me: "FREAK!111664636!#$, even."
Jason: "Oh, that's it. *kicks*"
Me: "*cats go flying left and right*"
Jason: "This cat hasn't moved in about 20 minutes."
Me: "It'll be moving when I feed it some DARK CHOCOLATE."
Jason: "Then you'll say, 'I killed your cat, you druggie bitch!' Then I'll say, 'No! Why!?'"
--"Assuming we're still talking about cats, here, yes." --Jason
--Brendan: "There were Amish people on the bus coming down here."
Me: "Really? Were they dressed like the Quaker Oats man?"
Brendan: "Yes...they were Amish!"
--"Need me to break your neck for you, honey?" --Brendan, on some bitch with an awful voice
--"They told the fuel delivery guy to fill the regular tank up to the top. So you wanna go have sex in the back really fast before it all overflows and some moron drives through it and kills us all?" --Tyler
--Me: "Is that...*squints...squints harder* Tim...Curry?"
Mark: "*takes off clown nose* Yes!"
Me: Hey, remember that time...remember that time you were in Clue...and you...you got hit in the head with the candlestick? That...that was funny.
Mark: "I do, yes. Though I preferred my role in Home Alone 2, alongside Jewish comedy legend Rob Schneider."
Me: "I preferred you in the new 'Family Affair.' Your exasperation with that family never grew old! They were always paying you out the ass, you were always sighing and making sandwiches for dolls."
Mark: "This is the best conversation ever."
--Me: "I've always wanted to ride on a train. Can I hide in your suitcase?"
Brendan: "Sure. It's more like a bookbag, though. You'll fit, regardless."
--Me: "I had cake yesterday. Some of Paige's birthday cake. And YOU DIDN'T GET ANY. It was good, too. REALLY good."
Tyler: "I bet you had two bites, then couldn't finish. How would you know if it was good?" Probably the best insult I've ever received.
--"Good luck with the axe murderer. I mean, nice friendly visitor." --John
--Brendan: "You know what's on our minds."
Me: "Yeah. Powerade."
Brendan: "Okay, Powerade's on your mind; masturbation is on mine."
--"Grant, you are the man. My fondest memory of you is when you helped me out of that deep well. My leg was broken and I had been crying for my mother for what seemed like days. Then, I saw your head peek through the light at the top of the well. To tell you the truth, I thought you were an angel. Well, shit, I was down there so long, I also thought I was a cast member on 'Fraggle Rock.' But there you were. Your supple arms threw down a rope made from pure hemp and love. Pulling me to safety like a young David Hasselhof. I cried. You soothed me. We made love. I'll never forget that, bro, you rock!" --Webb
--"Why the fuck do you keep calling me 'Jack Black'?" --Matt
--"Hey, Christopher, you joined the .org a day after my birthday...I say that like it's an interesting fact or something." --Erin
--"I've never been to the Statue of Liberty. That makes me a REAL New Yorker." --Peter
--"You know what'd be even funnier? If one of my quotes were me talking about the fact that you put up the quote about me talking about one of my other quotes." --Brendan
--"I have achieved greatness. Before, I achieved greatness. This time, I achieved greatness." --Brendan
--"I'm so great...someone needs to erect a bronze statue of me in Iraq. Like, right now." --Brendan
--"Holy shit, I would have yelled at them." --Peter, when a telemarketer calls
--"Your 'bad' what?" --Peter
--Me: "He could speak better English than most people I know here."
Brendan: "Well, because he learned it formally."
Me: "We were supposed to, too, in school."
Brendan: "Yeah, come to think of it. Yeah! YEAH! WHAT THE FUCK?"
--"This is the loudest, most difficult keyboard I have ever used. And I've typed on a lot of keyboards, if you know what I mean." --Sarah
--Person I don't know: "WHAT DOES THE GUY AT THE END OF THE 'JUST' VIDEO SAY?"
Another guy: "I bet my wife that I could get 50 people to lay down in the middle of the road. She said I couldn't. If I win, I get to do her in the ass. PLEASE, do me this favor."
And some other guy: "I think that's the best theory we've had so far here."
--"Please come to my home and kill me. I don't deserve to live anymore. PM me for my address." --Brendan
--"Why does it look like I'm shielding my crotch? 'Cause I probably am." --Brendan
--"If you start singing, I'll know something's wrong." --Brendan
--Me: "Yeah, you can visit all you want now."
Peter: "Really? Wow!!! I'm on my way."
--"That must be a great school if it lets idiots like this teach there." --Peter, on UNCW
--Me: "You."
Peter: "You."
--"You're getting sleeeeeeeeepy...SLEEEEEEEEEEEpy...Oh, fuck all that, you're asleep." --Brendan
--"What's worse, threatening violence over the Internet or asking if Mormons baptize dead Jews?" --CD
--Daniel: "Masturbation helps avoid prostate cancer."
Nikki: "Does it help girls at all?"
Daniel: "Yes. It makes them orgasm."
--"Anyone reading this would think we're the same age. Sixteen." --Peter
--"I think I've been watching too much VH-1. Last night, I dreamt I met Axl Rose." --Peter
--Brendan: ":^))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))"
Me: ":^)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))"
Brendan: "((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((^:"
Me: "*caught off-guard*"
Brendan: "Ha! What are you gonna do about that?!"
Brendan: "Keep smiling."
Brendan: "Well...well, yeah, that's about the only thing you can do."
--"Ben Folds vs. Guster INSIDE A FIFTEEN-FOOT STEEL CAGE." --Andy
--"I do not look like this: *picture of the Pillsbury Doughboy* Instead, I look like this: *picture of himself* Here are my thoughts: If you poke me in the stomach again, I'm going to shove your hand straight up YOUR FUCKING ASS." --Jason
--"The sins of the assistant manager shall be visited upon by the co-workers." --Brendan
--Brendan: "I have cats at home named George and Weezie. Not on purpose."
Me: "Sure, sure."
Brendan: "I swear to god."
Me: "Admit it. You liked 'The Jeffersons.' LOVED it, even. AND 'All in the Family.'
Brendan: "Never really saw it."
Me: "Me, neither, actually."
Brendan: "Heh."
--Tyler: "Have you seen Shrek 2?"
Me: "Thankfully, no. I haven't even seen Shrek, uh, one."
Tyler: "Hey. I liked it."
Me: "Yeah, but your favorite movie is Bambi. We can't all live by your standards."
Tyler: "Yes, we can."
--"Are you drunk? Did you steal beer?" --Tyler
--"You were fine with Kilar until I actually liked it." --Tyler
--"*holds up your hand in front of your face; tries to make you slap yourself*" --Brendan
--"I'll be all up in his ma'fuckin' face." --Brendan
--"After all those years of bad luck, finally, some GOOD news!" --Wout, on ovarian cancer
--"Did he tell you to nijm pijnstillers?" --Wout
--"The only movie I saw twice at the theater was The Game. Oh, and Traffic, which I hated twice." --Wout
--Me: "Fred Romano."
Wout: "Fred Romano."
--"There's a gay ghost in this game. I think he's gay. He seems gay." --Nathan
--"Damn you, always one step behind." --Wout
--"If 'gc' turned out to be a word, I would have killed one of us." --Wout
--"Don't let him in! That's what a front door is for!" --Wout
--Wout: "How rude of you to leave the table like that."
Me: "I stood up. I stood up in your FACE."
Wout: "Good thing I have insurance to cover that."
--"Maybe he found you through the 'not you' you have listed in your interests on your LiveJournal." --Wout
--"I live with my parents! You wish you were as cool as me." --Jill
--Nathan: "What did you say to that crazy woman, again? 'What then, bitch? I'm not pregnant'?"
Me: "I think it was more along the lines of, 'I ain't even pregnant, bitch, so WHAT THEN?!'"
Nathan: "That deserves to be on your quotes page."
--"You want to kill me! Yay!" --Brendan
--Brendan: "*bursts into a cloud of happiness*"
Me: "*bursts into a cloud of confetti*"
Brendan: "*scrapes you up and puts you in a mayonnaise jar with a stick; throws in a leaf* Have to make it like the environment you're used to."
--Me: "I had a dream that Colleen Dewhurst was Nathan's grandmother. Also, that she wasn't dead. And I really, really had to pee, but we were in her big house, and I couldn't find the bathroom."
Brendan: "Geez...this thing with you and big houses."
Me: "I dream about them a lot. Sometimes, it's fun; sometimes, it's scary."
Brendan: "Like with me getting nekkid."
--"Not wanting to envision your mom, but okay." --Brendan
--"BRB...awww...BRB." --Brendan
--"SPAGHETTI IS AN ITALIAN FOOD THAT COMES FROM ITALY. ITS SHADOWY
BEGINNINGS ARE ROOTED IN TRADITION, BUT SOAKED IN THE SAUCE OF
CONTROVERSY. SERVED IN NEARLY ALL ITALIAN EATERIES THROUGHOUT THE
WORLD, NO ONE CAN AGREE ON WHO CAME UP WITH THE TASTY PASTA DISH.
ANTONIO GUISEPPI 'BOB' SPAGHETTI CLAIMS TO HAVE STUMBLED UPON THE
TOMATO/PASTA CONCOCTION WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SMASH TOMATOES ON HIS
CUPBOARD. THE RESULTING TOMATO MUSH DRIPPED ONTO THE PASTA BELOW, AND
THUS WAS BORN THE FAMOUS DISH. DON'T SAY THAT TO SVETLANA
BOGINSKAYA-SPAGHETTI (NO RELATION TO BOB). SHE CLAIMS TO HAVE BEEN
COOKING THE DISH FOR YEARS AS A CONTRIBUTION TO LOCAL SCHOOL POTLUCKS.
THE OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE RESPONSE FROM HER VILLAGE-MATES RESULTED
IN HER FINALLY SELLING THE RECIPE TO A LOCAL EATERY IN MOSCOW, WHO IN
TURN SOLD THE RECIPE TO THE CHINESE. MARCO POLO THEN GOT THE RECIPE
FROM AN OBLIGING CONCUBINE, AND THE REST IS HISTORY. WHOSE STORY IS
RIGHT? WE MAY NEVER KNOW." --Annie
--"For a movie titled Alien vs. Predator, there were surprisingly few shots of aliens fighting predators." --Andy
--Peter: "Been watching VH-1 Classic?"
Me: No, it's been out the last few days."
Peter: "Out?"
Me: "It's all jumbled, when it comes in, but mostly it's just dead air."
Peter: "Much like the mind of our president."
--Brendan: *on his cell phone* "I'll take you grocery shopping with me."
Me: "Anything I should remind you about?"
Brendan: "...No."
Me: "As far as the grocery list goes."
Brendan: "...What are you getting at?"
Me: "I'm not making a weird joke or anything. Just trying to be helpful."
Brendan: "Oh. Well...Oh. I see now. Oh."
Me: "You were thinking bad thoughts. ADMIT IT."
Brendan: "No!"
Me: "'Don't forget the lube!' 'Don't forget the rubbers!'"
Brendan: " Nononononononoono! Don't put thoughts into my head!"
Me: "'Don't forget the champagne!'"
Brendan: No! *bangs head against wall*"
Me: "Okay, no more suggestions. Except! Okay, none."
Brendan: "Okay."
Me: "Well, maybe...well, no."
Brendan: "I have about three minutes, so let's wrap this up."
Me: "*snickers*"
Brendan: "Shut! Up!"
--Peter: "Women aren't as funny as men."
Me: "That's one way of looking at things. The WRONG way."
*no response*
Me: "Ohhh, but I kid."
*no response*
Me: "...Okay, I see what you mean."
*long pause
Peter: "You're not going to call me a male chauvinist pig?"
Me: "I knew it! You were trying to provoke me!"
Peter: ":^)"
--Me: "."
Brendan: "Don't . me!"
--"No joking about that. It's actually just true." --Brendan
--"Hey, guys, guess what! I think I'm sick! Awesome! In other news, I hate you all." --some psycho on LJ
--"You can't say 'you do not suck' without saying 'you suck.'" --Brendan
--Brendan: "That's fucked up."
Me: "Yeah, well. Your idea. I was just following you."
Brendan: "Not my fault!"
Me: "Really? That's funny, I blame you entirely."
Brendan: "Heh. Fine. Do that. Go ahead."
Me: "I will."
Brendan: "Blame me."
Me: "Okay, then."
Brendan: "Fine. Do it."
Me: "Sounds good."
Brendan: "Blame me, baby."
Me: "*blames you hard*"
Brendan: "Hard. Yes."
Me: "*blames you harder*"
Brendan: "Like that. Oh, god, yes..."
--Brendan: "It's the new way to have sex."
Me: "Sitting on an old couch?"
Me: " Yeah. YEAH!"
--Jason: "Who is this Jason King character and why should we care about him?"
Julian: "He's an infamous manwhore, and we shouldn't."
--"Okay, how about no? How about 'lifetime ban from liberty center'? Can you say that?" --Brendan
--"Wouldn't it be funny if I died in, say, three years, and the last four years of my life I had wasted buying overpriced textbooks and schlepping through stupid, soul-sapping 'English' and 'art history' and 'theatre' classes? NO, IT WOULDN'T." --Jason K.
--"Sometimes, I want to choke my cat. Sometimes, I want to choke my kids, too, but I don't do that, either, so don't worry, the cat's safe." --Alice
--"I have this theory about you, that you're really a masochist." --Nathan
--Peter: "Brendan , hear about Laura Branigan?"
Brendan: "Uh--who?"
Me: "Brendan, know who Laura Branigan is?"
Brendan: "Nnnnnnno. But even so...what about her?"
Peter: "She died. At forty-seven."
Brendan: "Aw. That's a shame. I can imagine giving her eulogy. 'We remember Linda...no, Lucy...Lily...that's not it, either...'"
--"It is our mission to free Small Town from 'Peter' and 'Brendan' by being gut-bustingly funny, 24/7, for no apparent reason." --Wout, and the devious plan he and Jason devised
--Me: "Can I copy that? Can I copy THAT?"
Wout: "Eh, yes. I dunno about Jase, but I can speak for myself and say, 'Mission failed.'"
--Me: "Your sister looks all sweet and shy...you look...surprised...and your brother looks like a thug."
Wout: "He is."
Me: "Mine, too! They should go bowling!"
Wout: "She is."
Me: "Ah, mine is sweet, but not shy. They should go bowling, too!"
Wout: "Everyone should go bowling! Like, the whole world. *has a vision*"
--Wout: "I'll be back fully cured. And I'll be hilarious. 'Kevin Costner' hilarious."
Me: "I don't think you'll ever attain that level. Sorry."
Wout: "Well, I can start by directing Waterworld."
Me: "You are so unoriginal, it makes my scar hurt. Why don't you start by directing The Postman, okay? Something that hasn't been done?"
Wout: "Well, it would be a totally different movie."
Me: "Ohhhh, I see. *doesn't see*"
Wout: "There would be only water. That was the only flaw the original had, in my opinion."
Me: "Would you be able to see the sky or anything?"
Wout: "No, no. Just water. Hence the title."
Me: "Would there be fish?"
Wout: "Nope...water. Cold water, warm water..."
Me: "Could birds swoop down into the shot sometimes?"
Wout: "No birds. But a lot of water to make up for the birds."
Me: "Could you at least see the reflection of clouds on the water's surface?"
Wout: "You can see the reflection of the water."
--Me: "I heard your Stephen King song."
Wout: "Well, I heard your Isaac Asimov song. What were you THINKING?"
Me: "You did not. That's under wraps."
Wout: "It leaked."
Me: "Shit. That's it, everyone's fired. Including you. So why don't you just run back to your dorm? And take an exam in the morning? There's nothing left for you here. You're not allowed to bring me doughnuts ANYMORE."
Wout: "I'll find someone else. Someone who APPRECIATES my doughnuts."
Me: "You'll never work in this town again. Maybe you can find something in Ypres. At a tourist shop."
Wout: "I'll dig up soldiers."
Me: "The soldiers won't appreciate it. I'm going to tell them about you."
Wout: "Well, in that case, I'm going to tell YOU about THEM."
--Wout: "I'm going to tell them about Yu."
Me: "Not Yu!"
Wout: "Yes, Yu!"
Me: "What did Yu ever do to anybody? Don't you think Yu's been through enough for one lifetime?"
Wout: "You said it best. Yu's a loser. A nobody."
Me: "That was before I knew him, really knew him. And loved him. Loved him, mangled legs and all."
Wout: "You never loved Yu."
Me: "Well, I loved his wheelchair. I loved being able to park in the handicapped zone. Is that so wrong?"
Wout: "Well, not if you park in a handicapped zone parking space that's STILL AVAILABLE, you asshole."
Me: "*shrug* You win some, you lose some. And the people who got to those parking spaces before me obviously LOST."
Wout: "They lost LEGS, you asshole!"
Me: "Yes. And then they lost their dignity."
Wout: "You insensitive asshole."
--"That's basically the same as asking if I enjoyed watching my aunt get stabbed with a steak knife." --Wout
--"STEPHANIE HOW THE HELL ARE YOU? --Mark
--Mark: "Oh, Stephie...Let's make it work. Let's try. Really try. We had some good times in Chicago. I remember, I know you haven't forgotten. [/Bill Murray]"
Me: "Yeah, those five minutes in that bathroom stall in O'Hara...*sigh*"
Mark: "O'Hara. The airport named after the mother from Home Alone, there." AAAAAH! He's right!
--Me: "You look pissed."
Mark: "I am not, sadly."
--"Just don't blame me when those Dollar General boys call you a flaming harlot!" --Mark, as Mother
--"Part of me is jealous. (I'm female. It happens.)" --Leslie
--"Dear Ashlee Simpson: YOU ARE SO HARDCORE, DOOD!!!!11!!1 You don't have blonde hair like your sister and you make RAWK MUSIC. You're like the new Courtney Love! Plus, your show is on MTV 24/7. And you can sing like a bird. Seriously? You're fucking annoying. Go away. --With love, Jill." --Jill
--Me: "What time did you have to get up today?"
Brendan: "4:40."
Me: "Dayumn."
Brendan: "I know, this shit sucks. It blows my tinky."
--Tyler: "So are you going to start, like, eating and stuff now?"
Me: "I do eat!"
Tyler: "I don't know. I always sort of thought you were anorexic or something. Any time there was food around, you'd never have any."
Me: "I just don't like to eat in front of people."
Tyler: "Aww...*slowly, dramatically pulls Dorito out of bag; slowly, dramatically stuffs entire thing in his mouth; slowly, dramatically chews loudly as he slowly, dramatically walks over and hugs me*"
--"I'll remember that exchange Nathan and I had. ''Sup, dude?' 'Hey.' Say no more. Powerful moment." --Brendan
--"STEPHANIE IS PREGNANT OH MY FUCKING GOD. Just kidding." --Nathan
--"You're the one over there being all...you know...Nazified." --Brendan
--Brendan: "When I was with Mark the other week, we drove by her apartment. I almost sorta considered asking him to stop by. But not for more than .000000000000000001 of a second. I don't know what I would have said."
Me: "'Hey. How come you never got off for me?'"
Brendan: "Yeah! How come? How come? Come. Cum."
--Tyler: "So are we going to do the day close now?"
Me: "No, I want to wait until Paige gets here."
Tyler: "Okay."
*several minutes pass in silence*
Me: "Nevermind, let's just do it."
Tyler: "*walking over* What did you say?"
Me: "Let's just do it and get it over with."
Tyler: "You say you wanna just do it and get it over with?"
Me: "Yeah."
Tyler: "You mean that?"
Me: "I do."
*Tyler suddenly grabs a nearby box of condoms and throws himself on me*
--"I have figured out a way for my phone to stay silent when others try to contact me while still letting it ring when you do. I'm great, I know." --Brendan
--"If talking on the phone is considered masturbating, then yes. That's the record for masturbating." --Brendan
--"I'm a temp, I don't get enough exercise, and I stay up late on the Internet. I am a real hit with the ladies, as you can imagine." --Stephen
--"Fuck Archie." --Brendan
--"True fact: If you punch me, I will cry." --Andy
--Brendan: "You could have written a book about this and sold it. You just cheated yourself out of millions. How's that make you feel? *holds mic uncomfortably close to your face* No comment? Comment? Comment? No comment? Yes? No? Good? Bad?"
Me: "WE JUST WANT OUR DAUGHTER BACK! *bursts into tears; hugs husband*"
Brendan: "You're not married."
Me: "A hot neighbor whose presence I find oddly comforting?"
Brendan: "The man you're hugging is the trash collector."
Me: "Not the guy who delivers the papers, too?!"
Brendan: "'Fraid so, love. *snaps picture*"
--"Shut up, you." --Brendan
--"Damn smokers. Making you write all horribly." --Brendan
--Me: "I'm looking through this 'Daria' episode guide. Did you see the episode where Daria and Tom almost slept together?"
Brendan: "Yes. But...shut up. That's not important right now."
--"1: The Beatles. 2: Jesus Christ. 3: Adolf Hitler. 4: Ozzy Osbourne. 5: Uncle Sam." --Chaz's list of of the top five most famous Americans
--"You know what you should never drink? Berry-flavored 7-Up. That shit is vile. My body wants to die every time I take a sip." --Brendan
--"I'm glad I can still breath. If I had to stop, I would, like, die." --Tyler H.
--"I'm just sitting back, plotting the next thread that you'll hate!" --Andy
--"Having 'seasons' is overrated." --Webb
--"You apologize for the weirdest things. Just to let you know." --Brendan
--"This is the first in a self-explanatory regular thing in which I will talk about movies and you will listen if you know what's good for you." --Nathan
--"Very Understanding Ugly Wife." --Stephen's idea for a movie
--"What are all your guys' SSN's and DOB's?" --Jason K.
--"I was totally crying for, like, a day." --Cullen
--"I Killed the Prom Queen: A poem by Stephen. 'With a knife. / In her chest. / She was pretty. / Until I cut her face.'" --Stephen
--"Never trust a woman with two first names, Dave, NEVER." --Webb
--Nikki: "Your full name is Boulder Clark Dave? Wow...COOL!"
Dave: "My name is David Clark...no Boulder..."
Nikki: "Oh, Mr. Dave, you slay me."
--Me: "So more class, then PT?"
Brendan: "Maybe. It MIGHT be another early day. Don't quote me on that."
Me: "Too late! It's already in print, baby!"
Brendan: "Oh, great."
Me: "You're gonna get sued for LIBEL!"
Brendan: "Oh, boy. *takes out 76th mortgage*"
--"Hating kids is funny." --Webb
--Chris: "I'd name my son Arathia."
Dave: "Arathia?! Do you want your kid to get his ass kicked up and down the street? That's the biggest sissy name I've ever heard. Might as well name him Janice."
--Ryan: "Has anyone ever actually answered these?"
Dave: "Yeah, everyone I've asked has answered."
Ryan: "Well, I never see the answers posted."
Chris: "I'm sorry, we didn't want to say anything...you're actually blind. :^("
--Grant: *on his profile questions* "Should I answer now or make you all sweat it out some?"
Chris: "We need the answers!"
--Jim: "Well, Mike, that was informative and enlightening."
Mike: "I challenge you to find a post of mine that isn't."
--Webb: "How about listing some favorites?"
Dave: "How about a warm glass of shut the hell up?"
Webb: "That sounds gross."
--"ARGH!...Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system. Can't say I feel much better for it, but, hey." --Jim
--"I'm a trekkie. The end." --Jason
--"This is your life's mission: You must never die." --Brendan
--Mike: "I'm surprised that any man who would name his kid Legolas has even kissed a girl."
Dave: "Let's just say his wife didn't fall out of the 'cute' tree."
--"My roommate finally got sick enough of me that he went and told
someone he wanted to be seperated from me. Who knew it'd work?" --Brendan
--"I'll thank you in advance for your hostility." --Nathan
--"At least we're not arguing over who was the best Batman. (Of course, Adam West wins that match, hands down, so there's really nothing to argue about.)" --Derek
--Me: "I'm so happy for you!"
Brendan: "Well...uh...me, too."
--"Frances was so last week." --Brendan
--Me: "Why did the newspaper do a story on his ice cream truck?"
Brendan: "I guess it's just damned good ice cream."
--"I was just passing through the computer cluster on my floor when I saw a girl at one of them. Of course, she was with a guy. Right now, I have this impulse to go back up there and declare my undying love for her." --Peter
--"My brother has a turtle named Lenny. He never takes care of it. I'm sure it will die soon." --Dave, at random
--"I was at PetSmart, buying some pet food. I saw this guy who smelled like cat litter and had three shopping carts full of IAMS cat food." --Dave, also at random
--"I would like to shield CD from this thread." --TB
--"You shut the fuck up and stop making dumb threads." --CD
--"If you are a raving homosexual, yes, the Oceans Eleven soundtrack would be great...'MAN, I LOVE THIS ELVIS REMIX.'" --Stephen
--"*steals your car and tries to operate it*" --Brendan
--"John broke me today. And I liked it. The end." --Leslie
--"I've never heard of this 'Choose...' country, but I'm sure it's filled to the brim with terrorists." --Chaz
--"I almost got puked on today. I was walking down the hall and saw this guy bending over, up ahead. He didn't look well, and I told him so, walking on. A couple seconds later, he ran to get out of the way, leaned over a railing and blew it. Transparent orange puke. Looked like Kool-Aid. Probably didn't taste like it." --Brendan
--"*Is not a freak like that.*" *pause* "*is a freak.*" *pause* "*but not like that.*" --Brendan
--"This is funny--I think..." --Osh
--"You are wearing the WORST underwear EVER." --Racheal, on TB's speedos
--Webb: "I don't think I'll be inviting TB to come see me anytime soon."
Andy: "Why, do you clip your dog?" Had to be there to get it.
--Stephen: "I am goin to hold onto my fantasy that TB is actually this silly. DON'T BURST MY BUBBLE."
Webb: "By silly, you mean insane?"
Stephen: "Yeah. That."
--"I am literally ENTHRALLED by all of this, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. I have class in just a few hours and I could care less. I have to figure out why Racheal betrayed TB so bad! Why? Oh, the humanity!" --Jessie
--"I'm trying to think of something clever to say again, so you'll keep thinking I'm rad, but it's just not happening. Except I just did." --Webb
--Me: "Stephanie = crowned. Marie = bitter."
Brendan: "Brendan = face on milk carton."
--Me: *plays word "doted" for 21 points*
Brendan: "Doted?! What the fuck?"
Me: "You know...when you dote on someone...they've...been...doted on."
Brendan: "Um, how about...no?"
--Me: *while playing Literati* "Oh. My. Gardz. I see the perfect place. For the perfect word. Ohh, man. And I just know..."
Brendan: "I'll probably trample all over it."
Me: "Do it! YEAH! DO IT! YES! UNGH!"
Brendan: "*touches you there*"
--Brendan: *at 102 points* "You're gonna win."
Me: *at 177 points* "There are still 19 letters left, not counting the 14 that we have."
Brendan: "Oh, SHUT UP!"
--"If you're reading this, I want to kill you. In fact, I will, eventually. And don't think I won't, 'cause I will." --Brendan
--Me: "I'm starting to wonder if Florida will still be here by the end of the year."
Andy: "I'm starting to wonder if Florida will still be here...THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW...*dun dun dun*"
--"I think my cat's going to throw up at some point this evening." --JB
--"I mention it because I guess it's the best one ever, or something." --Grant
--"I agree, my friends suck." --Wout
--"The kids at my school scrawl 'emo' all over this guy's locker every day. I don't even think he's emo." --Paco
--"Does that sound gay? I DON'T CAREEEEE." --Nathan
--"Stage Fright sucks. And now I have it on DVD. So it can suck...restored now." --Nathan
--"You are not ugly. Your reflection, on the other hand, makes me look hot. ME!" --Brendan
--"So, you gonna, uh, back that statement up? Just wondering, don't assault me." --Webb
--"I could delete your threads from my back porch, if I really wanted." --Andy
--Grant: "Let's to it another weekend."
Andy: "Burn."
Grant: "to = do."
Andy: "Oh, okay. I get it now."
--"Oh, you mean the movie. Fuck the movie!" --Grant
--"Kinsey, your avatar looks crazy. You look like you're mad with power." --Webb
--"hjnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn;'/ nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn" *pause* "Dumb cat." --Jason K.
--"Good nights include finding The Simpsons: Season Three for $16, drinking lemon-lime Kool-Aid, and doing French homework? Wait. One of those things does not fit." --Jason
--Me: "Mark's on again."
Brendan: "Screw Mark."
Me: "I thought he had a girlfriend."
Brendan: "He does."
Me: "I don't think she'd appreciate that sentiment much."
Brendan: "I'm gonna go do that while you watch."
--"I'm sorry, I just snorted an entire bag of coke right before you called." --Brendan
--Brendan: *at random* "Freak."
Me: "Freak!"
Brendan: "You're a freak!"
Me: "Well, you're an even...freaker freak!"
Brendan: "Well, you're an even bigger freak than that!"
Me: "Well, you're the biggest freak of all!"
Brendan: "Yeah, well, okay, then."
--"If I sound like an ass right now, it's because I'm being an ass." --Webb
--"Oh, yes, every montage features kids having fun, I forgot. Not to mention the fact that every scene in which kids have fun is, in fact, a montage." --Grant
--Webb: "Another great movie montage is when they show someone getting all these new haircuts and new outfits and you're just like, 'Hey, that's a silly haircut and a silly outfit,' and then, in the end, they look all good and you're just like, 'Oh, man, I'm sure glad that they didn't go with those other outfits and haircuts!'"
Grant: "Sometimes, they go with the shitty outfits and haircuts, anyway, in my opinion, but obviously the movie disagrees! So I leave."
--"You don't have to be gay to have a same-sex marriage, silly." --JB
--"I'd kill to be a retarded version of you, Webb." --JB
--"To HD: Your face is laughable." --Webb
--Me: "What is he doing to her?"
Nathan: "He's Charles Laughtoning her."
--"That'd be...I'd jump out the window." --Brendan
--"I Confess is a movie about the difficulties of being a priest and the difficulties of being in love with a priest. Oh, yeah, there's murder, too." --someone at Quizilla.com
--Me: "I love the little garbage can corral in your backyard."
Dad: "The 'corral' is great. Keeps animals out of the cans and from dumping them over."
Me: "And it keeps the cans off the streets."
Dad: "Yep...'specially when the wind blows hard."
--Me: "Is Katie reading better?"
Dad: "We tried to get her to read to us when she was here. She kept giving us excuses and wouldn't talk about it much. I don't know if her mother works with her on it, but I hope so."
Me: "I can't imagine Heather reading to Ashton much, either. Since she hates reading so much."
Dad: "I've never seen it."
Me: "And MaKenzie...I can't imagine her mother noticing her much, let alone reading to her. Well...I guess it's up to me to give you a genius grandbaby...Just kidding. That'll never happen. Sorry."
Dad: ":'("
--Dad: *referring to my surgery* "What was the lesson learned from that experience?"
Me: "Beg your company for health insurance benefits if they don't already offer them?"
*long pause*
Dad: "See...I always said you were a genius."
--Brendan: "You have the same name as my grandmother."
Me: "Poor Grandmother."
Brendan: "She's an old bitch." Woohoo!
--"By the way, you all suck. How's that for mature?" --Chaz
--"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm having a lot of trouble understanding what the hell you're talking about." --Chaz
--"I ain't letting no queer fag cookies in a bed that I'm sharing with another man. Not no way, not no how." --Chaz
-"This thread has officially furthered my cause of one day killing myself." --TB
--"Awwwww...awwww...*pause*...awwwww." --Brendan
--"I would wonder what the fuck, indeed, was your malfunction." --Brendan
--Brendan: "I say 'indeed' too much."
Me: "Me, too. Fun, isn't it?"
Brendan: "Yes. I got it from you. Like a bad disease."
--Brendan: "That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever said."
Me: "Ever? EVAR?"
Brendan: "One of 'em."
--"You're...weird." --Brendan
--Me: *in journal at work* "Welcome back, Matt. I still haven't forgiven you for letting me borrow The Ring."
Matt: "Hey, thanks, no problem, let me know when you want it again."
--"Yes, we all know how space-age Trident is." --Tyler
--"As if I didn't have enough talents already, I discovered I am awesome at making pies. Life just isn't fair to people who aren't me." --Emily
--Brian S.: "Smile came out today. Anyone buy it? I did."
Jason K.: "I got it!!!! Oh, wait, that was the new Elvis Costello album I got. Sorry!!"
--"You need to practice the art of checking one's self before wrecking one's self." --Brendan
--"That's a nice rainbow." --Brendan
--Brendan: "Did you see my reply and entry?"
Me: "Yeah, I saw that."
Brendan: "Okay."
Me: "I'm slow to respond, unfortunately."
Brendan: "Apparently."
Me: "Apparently."
Brendan: "Yertle the Turtle, over here."
Me: "Excuse me, I am Myrtle. Yertle is over at the snack bar."
Brendan: "That...is very...Mark, right there."
Me: "Okay. The game is up. I am really Mark. Ha ha, man, I really had you going. For months."
Brendan: "Wow. How'd you fit into that costume?"
Me: "Dude. what costume? what are you talking about? you never saw me."
Brendan: "So then...um...shit. *jumps out the window, splatters on the pavement*"
Me: "dude it was just a joke."
Brendan: "You read my mind. I thought...'Now if only she'd start typing like him.'"
Me: "im just slipping back into my old ways."
Brendan: "Seriously? No."
Me: "my old markish ways."
Brendan: "You can't be serious. No! NOOOO!!!"
Me: "Well, no, I couldn't be."
Brendan: "*jumps out the window again*"
--"When I woke up, I thought it was Friday. I'm always amazed when Sunday feels like four weekdays." --Erica
--"I suppose a concert and a lead singer with a lowcut dress will do that to you." --Andy
--"UNGH, indeed." --Brendan
--Brendan: "I might leave in a while to see if I can get back into my building."
Me: "Break in!"
Brendan: "Heh. No."
--"You own my soul at this game." --Brendan, on Literati
--Me: *plays "most" for five points* "That sucked."
Peter: *plays "lent" for five points* "That sucked."
--Brendan: "*waits...sorta impatiently...taps foot...shakes leg*"
Me: "*crosses arms*"
Brendan: "*does that, too*"
Me: "You just stow that attitude, mister!"
Brendan: "*jumps up and down like a five year old*"
--Brendan: "I'm gonna go in about thirty minutes to get some lunch."
Me: "Y'okay. Oh, man! I have a salad in the fridge! I just remembered! That makes me all excited."
Brendan: "Oooh."
Me: "Not like that! SALAD excited!"
Brendan: "Yes, it does."
--Nathan's headline: "Janet Leigh Dies, Not in the Shower."
Andrew: "They were making fun of it on the radio today, playing the shower scene with different music, like 'The Mexican Hat Dance' and other funny music. It was pretty fucking hilarious."
Grant: "I hope someone does something like that for me when I die."
--Me: "You're that guy who tried to mug me at Mesker Zoo last week, aren't you?"
Amante: "Except you weren't as Mesker Zoo."
Me: "...I guess it might have been someone else."
Amante: "Perhaps at a different zoo, as well."
--Brendan: *plays "laid"* Only down by 70 now."
Me: *plays "scored"*"
Brendan: "At least we're in the same mindset."
--Amante: "Can we skip me being a professor and the messy hair and just fuck on a desk instead?"
Me: "Is that what professors do?"
Amante: "Do you want an A+ in Amante-a-nese or not?"
Me: "Wull...yes, sir!"
Amante: "Then fill me out like an application for a grant."
--Brendan: "How is 'fakir' a word?!"
Me: "Indian fakirs! You know, whirling dervishes?"
Brendan: "You are full of shit. Indian shit."
--Me: "I even gave her a psychology test, which she did extremely well on."
Dad: "You asked her her name?"
Me: "...I have her application and all at work...unless that was a weird joke..."
Dad: "The old 'Psych Test' question..."
Me: "That was! I should have known! You and your weird old psych test jokes!"
Dad: "...'PSYCH!'"
--"Does anyone else find it ironic that Jesus was a carpenter's son (or whatever) and got nailed to a cross?" --Jason
--"This is gonna be an ugly, bloody game. This is gonna be like a football game in frozen mud. This is gonna be like sex with no lube. This is gonna be like riding a seatless bicycle. This is gonna be like Shaq getting beat up by a midget." --Brendan
--"Mark can't make up his mind about anything. He's away! He's idle! He's no longer idle! He's returned! He's idle! He needs an oil change! He's stalled on the interstate!" --Brendan
--Tyler: "Want a chip?"
Me: "How out-of-date are they? *knocks the bag out of his hand; they fall to the ground, but the bag remains closed*"
Tyler: "Nooo! They weren't out-of-date at all! And you've ruined them! You chip-ruining whore!"
--Peter: "Does your store sell condoms?"
Me: "Yes. They're behind the counter, so anyone who wants them has to ask for them."
Peter: "Oh, that's cruel."
--"Be a monkey when you're sixty." --John
--"STEPHANIE YOU WOULD COME ONLINE JUST AS I'M GOING TO BED. I mean...hi!" --Mark
--"This sounds like the plot for a movie. You should play the role of you. You'd be perfect." --Brendan
--Brendan: "*instant hard-on*"
Me: "Hahahaha, are you serious?"
Brendan: "Well, not instant."
--Brendan: "What time were you born on your birthday?"
Me: "11:00 P.M. Central Standard Time."
Brendan: "So technically, you and Nathan have the same birthday."
Me: "Yes. I should make him wait until Tuesday to give me any presents. I don't like taking things from him when I can't give anything back."
Brendan: "You're always like that. So am I. Unless I'm borrowing a dollar from someone I don't like. Then I'm all, 'Hey, thanks. Fuck you. I'm not paying you back. By the way, I fucked your sister.'"
--"Oops, my bad...vision." --Peter
--Brendan: "'The Price Is Right' is almost on."
Me: "I love 'The Price Is Right'!"
Brendan: "Are you kidding?"
Me: "No, seriously!"
Brendan: "Aah! Me, too!--What's your favorite game?"
Me: "I always kinda liked Plink-o--"
Brendan: "OH, MY GOD, I LOVE YOU!" *tackles me with a hug*
--"Macer: He who sprays mace." --Peter
--"On Sunday, I went to Mick's for open mic night. My favorite duo, Low Rise Jeans Girl and Elmo Shirt Boy (sans Elmo Shirt) played an acoustic set, but I left halfway through, after an appropriate amount of time staring at Low Rise Jeans Girl all dreamy-like." --Andy
--"John's sitting at his computer desk, perfectly content, singing 'Let's Get It On' to himself..." --Leslie
--Me: "I somehow do not foresee turkey in your week's forecast."
Mark: "Well, that's 'cause I'm Engerlish (if you remembered)."
Me: "But Thanksgiving is like Columbus Day--everyone celebrates it!"
Mark: "We don't celebrate that either, m'love"
Me: "Next thing, you'll be telling me you don't celebrate Pearl Harbor Day!"
Mark: "Oh, we do."
"You've got guys riding around in chariots with BandAids on their faces. If only the chariots had spinnahs..." --Jason, on Ben Hurr
--"This is a nice setup you got going, right here." --Brendan, gesturing to my chest
--"You know which commercial I hate? The one which asks, 'Why do we work?' That one makes me want to throw a brick at the screen." --Peter
--"You're my favorite premium delicatessen professional, you know." --Jason K., to Nathan
--"The bitch is in my basement, Poussin. Signed, The Sereal Killer." --Jason K., translating a French letter for Andy
--"That's almost too cute to exist!" --Jim
--Tyler: "What would you say if I told you I want to ride you like a Harley on a bumpy road?"
Me: *thinks a moment, starts laughing*
Tyler: *after a long moment, starts laughing, too*
Me: *after about two minutes straight of laughter* "...I guess that's what I'd say to that."
Tyler: "Okay, just checking."
--"God, listen to me, I'm going off on Billy fucking Corgan." --Brendan
--"I loved 'Darkwing Duck'! I used to watch it with my sister. And then we would have sex." --Tyler
--"I got my hamster a new cage on Friday. Here are two videos of her either frantically trying to escape or showing off her gymnastic abilities." --Andy
--Jessica: *when Clay Aiken is voted above Ben Folds in some countdown* "How can people throw away their vote on some skinny gay dude?"
Chaz: "I'm George W. Bush and I approved this message."
--"I'm going to go to work shortly and then come home and watch Chris Matthews say dumb things and then go, 'HA!' for four hours straight." --Jason K.
--"It is sneaky and underhanded, which is why I do it." --Annie
--"*in soft, thoughtful voice* I want to write music that makes small children scream." --Nathan, imitating John Williams
--"Ha, um...you sound like a GHEY personm, Mark, what the fuck? We should, like, TOTALLY GO SHOPPING!" --Anna
--"Yeah, your faith is lame...ha, just kidding." --Anna
--"You have a model's look on your face in that picture. You have a look that says...'Fuck off.'" --Brendan
--"*pulls out sniper rifle, cocks it* I, uh, *sniffle* suggest you stop." --Brendan
--"You remember that Mentos commercial, where the guy in a suit sits on a bench that has wet paint, but, you know, he pops a Mento in his mouth and shit works itself out?" --Brendan
--"I knit almost non-stop these days. Not only is it therapeutic, it's just plain sexy." --Leslie
--"I'm against picketing, but don't know how to show it." --Andy
--"They're gonna dooooooooooooo it!" --Erica, yelling at inappropriate times during movies
--"Wake up and see the sarcasm in my eyes." --Peter
--Me: "Mmm, white cranberry juice."
Brendan: "I wonder what that...and Barq's..."
Me: "NO. BRENDAN. NO."
Brendan: "...Would taste like mixed."
--Brendan: "I was one of those kids who mixed every kind of fountain drink together when I was young. Can't you tell?"
Me: "I tried to, but Mom would yell at me if she caught me doing it."
Brendan: "Like...masturbating."
--"Our show will be called 'Fags on Ice.'" --Mark H.
--Brendan: "I took a shower last night. My roommate has one of those poofy scrubby thing, you know. And he has it hanging on the shower handle."
Me: *temporarily preoccupied, doesn't respond*
Brendan: "That turns the water on?"
Me: *still elsewhere*
Brendan: "Hot? Cold? You know? That thing."
Me: *nothing*
Brendan: "Glad you're with me."
--"I hate boys, they are stoopid. No offense to you, if you are a boy, unless you are a stoopid boy." --Emily
--Joey: "Does anyone know the guitar chords for Jump Little Children's 'Close Your Eyes'? It'd be cool if someone did."
Mark: "Did you try the Internet?" *links to a Google search for "Jump Little Children guitar tab," which, in quite a turn of events, has exactly what Joey is looking for*
--"I'd like to put all of you on an island and blow you up." --Leslie
--"I hope he's sleeping, but naturally, I assume the worst: that he's ignoring me. Okay, that's not the worst. The worst would be that he's dead and his murderer is using his computer so it doesn't go idle." --Kelly
--"Okay, so you are walking down the street and who are you encountered by but Janice, a typical person, right? Well, Janice is wearing a four-foot smile on her face, comes right up to you and tells you to have a SMILETASTIC day. Then skips off merrily into the golden sun-splattered horizon, to the land of happiness. By this point, you are probably scared out of your mind. I know I fucking was." --Mark H.
--"I know a little old lady named Nelly that is one happy camper. 'Course, she has Alzheimer's. I guess that kind of shot my argument. Next point." --Mark H.
--"Don't forget that buying presents is not the original purpose for Christmas. And, no, that is not an excuse to be a cheap bastard this year." --Emily
--"Tap the Rockies, BITCHES." --Emily
--"I'd hit that. I mean...your boyfriend weighs less than me, right? Actually, I don't think anybody weighs less than me. Nevermind." --one of Jill's friends, coming onto Jill
--Grant: "'London Calling' was playing on the WalMart speakers the other day."
Jason K.: "Ha ha, you shop at WalMart."
Grant: "Actually, I was there to burn it down, but since they were playing 'London Calling,' I was like, 'Wow, WalMart is pretty punk rock, they can stay.'"
--"I hope there's more to you than just a nice set of pins. You had a chest, the last I heard!" --Mark
--Amante: "Hey, I gotta put away my groceries, I'll be right back."
Me: "You do that."
Amante: "Oh, I will. I'll put away those groceries. YEAH! YEAH! FUCK, YEAH! FUCK!"
--"Let's do this. And by 'this,' I mean me." --Amante
--Peter: *after I play "stay" in Literati* "'Stay.' Wasn't that a power ballad?"
Me: "A really annoying Lisa Loeb song comes to mind. 'I turned the radio ON, I turned the radio UP, and the woman was singin' mah song, lover's in love and the other's run away, some crap crap crap and the other won't stay, who was something or other for the other, who was dying for the other, who's been..." *stops in confusion*
Brendan: "STOP! GOD! JESUS! CHRIST!"
--"I'll neva' stop hatin'! I'll always have hate for mah hometown!" --Brendan
--"This goes out to all you motherfucka's out there who like walkin' to McDonald's!" --Brendan
--"As a man with outstanding leadership qualities, it is my sole responsibility to spend the night with Natalie Portman. Anything less would be extremely irresponsible." --Andy
--Me: "I wonder how many people have had sex in the Statue of Liberty?"
Brendan: "...That was random..."
--"U Like Chinese Restaurant...oh, god, there's a place called U Like Chinese Restaurant." --Brendan
--"And then, to emulate the ex-don in The Boondock Saints, he calls me just to say, 'Fuck you.'" --Jason, on why he loves Tony
--Amante: "I'm gonna bathe and change shirts."
Me: "Literally bathe?"
Amante: "Yes."
Me: "Aww, you take baths."
Amante: "Oh. Wait. I only do that occasionally. No, I'm just going to take a shower."
Me: "Awww, no bath."
Amante: "Unless somehow that would make you think I was so cute that in some weird akwardness you decided you want to have sex with me, which would have no linear cohesion, but would still rule...in which case, yes, I bathe."
--"This NASCAR shit is easier than it looks." --Mark H.
--"My food doesn't like stomach." --Brendan, while sick
--"Rain and coffee: together at last." --Brendan
--Brendan: "Gotta pee."
Me: "Go for it! YOU CAN DO IT! RUN! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Brendan: " I'm gone. I'm, like, so fucking gone, man."
--"I have tasted sin. Its hold on me now is unbridled and unwavering. This, children, is the spawn of all our undoing: Starbucks Coffee. We will die and burn and it will taste good...very good." --Amante
--"TAKE ME, SWEET VANILLA CREAM. I SHALL NOT STAND IN YOUR PATH, BUT AT YOUR SIDE!" --Amante
--"You know what I hate? Parents that can't take care of their kids. For the last few days at work, I've been noticing these dumbass parents who let their kids run around yelling in the dining room and it makes me want to scream at them, 'BEAT YOUR FUCKING CHILD, MISS!'" --Amante
--"My kid isn't going to act stupid, or so help me god, I'll beat him within an inch of his life." --Amante
--"I fucking HATE IT when people say, 'No offense, but...' or, 'Don't take this personally, but...' Because usually, whatever follows those words is totally offensive. It's like, 'Hey, don't take this personally, but YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG.'" --Jill
--"(blank space, no explanation)" --Brendan
--"Awww...you're so...you're so...you're so...yeah, that's what you are." --Brendan
--"I'm pretty sure I never friended Kasey on my other journal, and he's my best fucking friend. Wait, no, I did." --Amante
--"I would murder Mary-Kate Olsen, because dead is the only way I would get to have sex with her." --Kasey
--"*gooification begins*" --Brendan
--"Vesuvius: Deadly Fury - Mount Vesuvius buries the city of Pompeii and kills the inhabitants of Herculaneum. Rated TV-G." --our digital cable guide
--"Don't worry. I'm still interested in lesbian bands." --Jason
--Me: "It's nice and cloudy again, but the sun keeps coming out, and it's really fucking annoying me."
Brendan: "It's rainy here."
Me: "I wish it would rain."
Brendan: "*gives you some rain*"
--"Right now, the only friend I have is my dog Thunder." --Matt
--"I'm going to start collecting can tabs again. Please save your tabs for me. It helps little sick kids. Thanks." --Emily
--"I got a good deal on it. I mean, I've been tasting semen for days, but..." --Brendan
--"Let that go out as a warning to all you vacuums out there." --Brendan
--Brendan: *during Literati with Peter and me* "I have a secret. A deep, dark secret. I...I...I want to make teh babies with you!"
Me: "*gassssssssssp* With Peter?!"
Brendan: "*looks at Peter, hopes he understands*"
--"Lord, if you're up there, forgive me for what I'm about to do." *plays "dildo"* "*goes straight to fucking Hell*" --Brendan
--"My next word will be 'KY Jelly,' by the way." --Brendan
--Brendan: *as we're playing Minesweeper, singing to self* "You'll ne-ver gueeeeess my straaaa-te-gyyyyy..."
Me: "Is it the one where you click all the corners first?"
Brendan: "...DAMN YOU!"
--"Well--well, I think this game sucks and you're gay!" --Brendan, upon losing Minesweeper
--"My stutter's gotten much worse. I went to take a delivery to someone yesterday and I tried to say, '$6.04.' I literally stood there for ten seconds saying, 'S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.' It got the point where I almost just said, 'S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-shit.' But I just stopped trying for a second and said, 'Well, I'm certain that's not your total.'" --Jason
--"Ha ha, bitches. Notice how I don't post any rants? It's because I hate you all." --Kasey
--"*after Brendan attempts to play 'headly'* Uhh, no." --Mark H.
--Brendan: "I'm listening to Happiness...Is Not a Fish That You Can Catch."
Mark H.: "It is if you're a hungry bear."
--Brendan: "*breathing heavily*"
Mark H. :"Hey, dude..."
Brendan: "What?! I'm breathing over here."
--"I know this guy...as if he's the only guy I know or something...let's call him Fernando, just because I think Fernando is a funny name..." --Alice
--"She was going through some things, at the time (you know, like everyone else on LJ is)." --Alice
--Me: "If 'whory' isn't a word, it should be."
Brendan: "'Whoritude' should also be a word."
--"Things that scare me: spontaneous combustion, space pirates..." --Andy
--"I want to transform into a truck to aid my robot allies really badly right now." --Andy
--"Last night, when I walked out of the library, it was snowing like crazy. Oh, man. My ears, nose, and cheeks shattered and I froze to death, but, man...it was nice." --Kate
--"She's been talking mad shit about you, yo. She's been all, 'Tyler iz teh sux0rzzzzz.' And I've been like, 'I'm sure he's a thoughtful, well-rounded young man.'" --Brendan
--Me: "How's school coming? Are you still in education?"
Emily: "Actually, I'm glad you asked that question, Stephanie. (Sorry, that is my new annoying catch phrase.)"
--"Typos are so not sexy." --Brendan
--"Don't feed me any encouraging bullshit or I'll kick you in the face." --Kate
--Me: "Pleasant dreams."
Brendan: "Sweet dreams. I was gonna say 'pleasant.' Thought it might sound wry."
Me: "But are you wry?"
Brendan: *at the same time* "But am I wry?"
*pause*
Brendan: "AHHHH!"
--"It was really funny how, like, three times, this big wall came up, completely at random, and the band started playing. And no one seemed to be enjoying it, except Jabba. He was all bouncing around, pulling on Carrie Fisher's chains. Heh. Carrie Fisher was chained to him. I bet he had sex with her. It was probably some weird, amphibious procedure. And she probably didn't even notice it." --Nathan, on Return of the Jedi
--"I'm going to call BB&T and ask why Claude Reins is always playing Nazis." *waits a moment while it rings* "Yes, I was just wondering, why is Claude Reins always playing Nazis?" --Nathan
--"Maybe I got punched in the face. Punched in the face so hard, I forgot I got punched in the face." --Andy
--"Am I for killing people? Maybe for food..." --Kate
--"Whoa, you're a vegetarian? And you don't like rollercoasters? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING." --Jill
--Me: "I don't want anyone seeing all this hawt sex we're discussing."
Amante: "Which makes up, like, a good thirty percent of the conversation."
Me: "(That was a joke.)"
Amante: "(What I said was not.)"
--Amante: "Dude, I want to own a deli."
Me: "Amante's Deli. 'Feel the Love.'"
Amante: "Negro Douglas' Deli. 'Real Food, Nigga'.'"
Me: "Some huge black guy would come in some day and be all, 'You ain't pure Negro! You got Whitey taintin' your blood! But your fried chitlins are so delicious, I will not incite a riot.'"
Amante: "I would be like, 'Taste me food, bitch, and see if you can say that again, bitch,' and he would eat it and be like, 'Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, nigga,' and I would be like, 'What?! Fo' sho'!' and he would be like, 'Lemme get my crew, dawg," and I would make a ton of money."
Me: "Then, you'd get a show on UPN."
Amante: "Yes! Dude! UPN!"
--"You wanna know why this guy is shooting air? BECAUSE THE CONTROLS IN KILLZONE BLOW!" --Amante, reviewing Killzone
--"This guy is the shit. I mean...look at him. He's seconds away from kicking your ass. He knew your mother and she was a fucking whore!" --Amante
