--"Man...so this is the Pepsi talk we were always gonna have." --John
--Question: "How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed?"
Brandon: "Two, I guess."
Question: "How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed?"
Brandon: "Wow, I thought I was having a stroke or something..."
--Question: "Have you ever dated a teacher?"
Brandon: "Hahahahahahaha...I'm sorry...no."
Question: "Have you ever laughed so hard you peed your pants?"
Brandon: "See previous question."
--"Some people say I'm good-looking. Usually, they are middle-aged women, though." --Brandon
--"Haha...haha...oh, wait, that's not funny." --Brandon
--"Ever have those damn commercials that drive you insane, but you sit there and watch them in their entirity, just for some strange sort of torture or something? That's how I feel about the Little Debbie commercials with the stupid kids singing 'My Girl' in it. Just doesn't make much sense!" --Brandon
--Jamie: "Are you all ready for Christmas?"
Lady: "Oh, yeah, I've been baking in the kitchen all day."
Jamie: "Ooh, Christmas cookies."
Lady: "I like to bake. You see, I never know what to get anyone, so I give them something I know they'll all enjoy--homemade cookies."
Jamie: "That's a good idea. You don't have to go out in the Christmas rush, that way."
Lady: "That's right! Well, thanks! Have a nice Christmas!"
Jamie: "Thank you, you, too. Have a nice night, now. *lady walks out; Jamie's smile disappears* Damn, what a cheap wench. If someone gave me cookies for Christmas, I'd throw 'em back in their face."
--"*when I meet him after work in his Myst t-shirt* I didn't know you liked Myst...That shirt has so much...character, now." --Nathan
--"I'm so glad I'm brown. If I had to be any other race, I'd pick another brown one. Yep, either Pacific Islander or 'Other.'" --Erin
--"I shower after work, 2:30 A.M., and when I wake up, 10 A.M. And I usually give myself a male-whore's bath after sex. Or after thinking about sex. Or anything that rhymes with sex." --Walter
--"Merry Christmas. *cough* (Same joke next year!)" --Wout
--"I'm just trying to eat and some old Romanist geezer puts his hand on my shoulder kind of like Michael Jackson would put his hand on that one little boy's shoulder, then asks me if I would like anything else. I wanted to tell him that I would very much like for him to get his hand off my shoulder, but I just say, 'No, thanks.'" --Brian
--Sarah: "Dude, today I cut and dyed my hair. It's awesome."
Brian: "Dude, come on over and show me."
Sarah: "Got the green bean casserole?"
Brian: "Aagh! Blackmail!"
--"Look at you. Miss Confident. Miss I Know Who I'm Talking To." --John
--"Don't think I didn't notice that pause so you could c/p." --John
--Me: "How are you spending the evening?"
John: "Staying in tonight. You?"
Me: "Same. Maybe! Watch...that guy. On TV. The moving pictures. On the screen. Dick...Clark?"
John: "The Aging Wonder. Used to be The Ageless Wonder, but, come on, it's starting to show. Dick."
Me: "His pact with Satan is not quite so neatly-signed as Cher's."
John: "Small Town. Yup."
Me: "It kind of sucks how all these holidays fall together, and after New Year's, you've got this bleak January thing...John: "Bleak?! President's Day! Dress up!"
Me: "I thought that was in February."
John: "Oh! Yeah. Nevermind."
Me: "Small Town, indeed."
John: "Bitch!"
--John: "Boy, are my hands cold."
Me: "Pellet stove?"
John: "Pellet stove is on, but not doin' the trick yet."
Me: "Feed the flames with something stronger. *eyes Zip*"
John: "That's so wrong. *eyes Zip*"
--Me: "I have no idea which hole you punched on your ballot. So I'll just stop talking now."
John: "And depending on where I voted, my hole might not have been made, and my vote coulda been dangling there, a helpless chad."
Me: "I punched mine in really hard. It shook the little booth. And I felt very stupid."
John: "Ooh, baby, SHAKE IT! SHAKE THE BOOTH. Yeah, Mama, get your vote on!"
--"I hadn't had a cigarette in three days--he said he didn't like the taste of stale cigarettes mashed against his taste buds. I went for a drive and smoke this morning and the first thing I saw at the red light was his stupid fucking van crossing the intersection, so I lit that fucking cigarette and smoked it just for him." --Aleesha
--"Natasha, we must get moose and squirrel." --Brian
--"Travis = Ronald McDonald." --M.
--"That fajita looks sooooo tasty and delicious. I wish I had one right now. Oh, man, I would eat it soooo fast." --Allen
--"I totaled my S10 Extreme...going 15 mph." --Mike
--"I've hit a parked car. Twice." --Kate
--"Customers suck! The customer is never right!" --www.customerssuck.com Thanks to Brian for the link.
--"Hi, I'm Adam and I'm a drug dealer. Wait, it's not what you think!" --Adam
--"Breathe a word of this and I'll FedEx your heart to your mom." --Leslie
--"I like 90% of dogs better than 90% of people." --Slam
--"When I was in college, I had a dolly full of cases of beer. So I get in the elevator with it and my RD gets in with us. He's just looking at us and the beer, back and forth. After a couple of floors (it was a slow elevator), he says, 'Big party this weekend?' I said, 'Nah, just on sale. I'm trying to become an alcoholic.'" --David
--"You know I'm a Tori fan. You know that I know you're a Tori fan. You know that I would use the sacred name of Tori to get your attention." --Jason I'm a sucka' for the Tori.
--"I dumped five pounds of sugar, five boxes of Mac and Cheese, a container of non-dairy creamer, three jars of jelly, three packets of rice mix stuff, and a German workbook out of my window last night." --Jason
--Jason: "And twenty-four tea bags."
Me: "Hope you're on the first floor."
Jason: "Third."
Me: "The German textbook was the icing on the cake."
Jason: "OH! And toilet paper. And margarine. And a bigass chunk of ice. But that was earlier in the day. SO. That's my cake. *checks* And a bad CD. Aww, damn. Someone ate my cake. *frowns*"
--I'm gonna charm the holy hell out of her." --Jason
--"I was about to put you on a milk carton." --Peter
--"'No Doubt' that they suck." --Jeff
--"Well, it seems that 'Jeff' will be upset with you rejecting him after you were friends and all." --Daniel
--Me: "How was your Thanksgiving?"
Jason: "It was okay. Too much hick family though."
Me: "'Pay-uss the gray-vee. Ah lak dinner rollz.':
Jason: "No, it's more lahk, 'Jaysun, can ah plaaay thuh gaaame? Jaysun, stop drinkin'!,' etc."
--"SOYBOMB is here. 'What the fuck?!' to YOU!" --SoyBomb
--"'Yes,' unless the answer is, 'no.'" --A.J.
--"If you leave, I'll kick you in my junk. Wait..." --Jason
--"You need to like meat and nuts. Specifically, my meat and nuts. Haw haw haw." --Jason
--"There was some crappy old TV-movie on the other day...Lumbergh was in it." --Mark
--"That sounds like someone double-bagged it." --Jason
--"Tell him to send smoke signals!" --Jason, when Nathan needs to use the phone
--":<8) It's a stereotypical black guy!" --Jason
--Tyler: "God, you look really pissed."
Me: "I'm not."
Tyler: "And you're being really quiet."
Me: "Sorry."
Tyler: "Well, no, it's just that usually, you talk and joke around a lot."
Me: "I just don't feel like talking right now."
Tyler: "Are you mad about something?"
Me: "No."
Tyler: "Did someone piss you off earlier?"
Me: "No."
Tyler: "Are you mad at me because I didn't put up the candy?"
Me: "No!"
Tyler: "No, seriously, are you?"
Me: "No! Tyler! I don't care about the stupid candy!"
Tyler: "...Okay, just checking."
--*simply because I'm being quiet*
Tyler: "Okay. Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?"
Me: *rolls eyes, doesn't bother responding*
Tyler: "No, no, now. Who was it?"
Me: *turns the other way and begins working on paperwork*
Tyler: "Stephanieeeeee..."
Me: *looks around*
Tyler: "Seriously, though. Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?"
Me: *turns back to paperwork...long moment of silence*
Tyler: "Jesus, what the fuck is up your ass this morning?"
--"It's gonna be colder than dog shit out tonight." --Jamie
--Jamie: "Brandy came in two hours late?"
Me: "Yeah."
Jamie: "That's some fucked-up shit."
Me: "Yeah...well, she called beforehand to ask if it was okay. It wasn't, really, but I didn't want to be mean and tell her no, so I told her it would be okay."
Jamie: "Hey, you've gotta be mean sometimes, if you're one of the managers. And I've seen you be mean before. You're mean to Tyler all the time."
--"If I had a penny for everyone who has told me that's one of their favorite books...I'd have three cents!" --John
--"Bring a gun!" --Wout's concert-going advice
--"Excuse me, but I believe it is you that likes the nuts... :-O " --Jason
--"Funny, I remember indulging in some motherfuckin' Perkins two days ago." --Jason
--"I think they make people in Hell read the .org." --Grant
--"Next time the phone rings, I'm gonna answer it, 'Yo, this is [name of store], holla' at me.'" --Ken
--Me: "The other day, I was looking at the weather forecast, and for Monday, it said, 'Abundant sunshine.' And I thought, 'Dad would enjoy that.'
Dad: "Yes. It's a good term."
Me: "I could just imagine you reacting.
Dad: "'AAAAAAAAAAAAH!'"
Me: "'ABUNDANT SUNSHIIIIIIIINE! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!'"
*pause*
Dad: "TORNADIC."
Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Dad: "That's right."
--Dad: "I better let you get. I have to clean up the kitchen before Mom comes home. She'll brain me, otherwise."
Me: "Remember to ventilate the room after all that cleaning fluid."
Dad: "Noooooo, I like the smellllllllll, ooohhhhh, yeah...okay, I'll do that."
--"PLEASE BASE A RIDE ON ABC'S 'GEORGE LOPEZ'???? HE'S SO FUNNY AND HISPANIC ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!" --Jason K.'s letter to Roy Disney
--Tyler: "You used to be really different when you came in early like this."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Tyler: "You used to talk more."
Me: "I'm just not in the mood to talk right now, sorry."
Tyler: "You used to be nice."
Me: "Okay, now you're just imagining things."
Tyler: "Oh, yeah. Well...nicer, anyway."
--Ashley: "Ashley's not the only one from New Jersey."
Grant: "No, she is."
--"Yay! Drama!" --Leslie
--"Next time I tell Bex I'm going to Topeka to throw French fries at her...I'm going to goddamn Topeka to throw French fries at her." --Brian
--John: "You should drive east sometime. It's really pretty over here."
Yet Another Jason: "Don't do it. It's a trick."
--Alice's Friend: "For about the last four months, I've had recurring fantasies about tying your hands to the headboard and schtupping you into next week."
Alice: "Your knowledge of Yiddish is quite impressive."
--"Your tongue works 24-hour shifts...*booming stage actor voice* as does your bosom." --Nathan
--"That was a Shakespearean pick-up line." --Nathan
--James: "I just saw a recent picture of Kate Maberly. She hasn't changed since The Secret Garden."
T: "You're right about that. It always makes me laugh when I'm in the pub and my friends do a double-take as she walks past."
--"and look: no sentence caps! don't you love me?! i do. well, sometimes. well, hardly. still! no sentence caps!" --John
--Yahoo! Headline: "Robot glider can soar under water."
Me: "'Robot glider'?"
Nathan: "That's what I'm going to use on you."
--"My man must be not-ugly. Hey, call me shallow, but if I'm going to have to look at you every morning for the rest of my life..." --Leslie
--Leslie: "No forking excuse!"
Richard: That's forking unbelievable!"
--Leslie: "I dated someone earlier this year that was a total health freak. I felt guilty whenever I ate 'refined sugar.' Seriously. He yelled at me for eating Oreos and I got pissed and threw them at him. I dumped him in front of his friends the next day. That's what you get for denying me my Oreos!"
Phil: "You shouldn't have dumped him. He was totally right. It's up to him to control your diet, not you. How dare you eat what you want and not care what others think?! Shame, shame, shame."
Leslie: "*throws Oreos at you*"
Phil: "*balances them on my nose, then flicks them up and eats them*"
Leslie: "*promptly breaks up with you* Oh, wait..."
--Stupid Alice Trick #95834: I put the meatloaf in the oven about an hour ago...you know, the lack of aroma really should have tipped me off to the fact that...I forgot to turn the oven on...UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" --Alice
--"Great job, Steph, this whole intarnet page is now officially the faggiest fag-thing ever." --Jason K.
--"My favorite form of humor is punching someone in the neck and saying, 'Funny, isn't it, bitch?'" --Andy
--"Take to the skies for less." --some online ad
--Jason K.: "You and Nathan should celebrate SKANKSGIVING."
Me: "We prefer WHORENUKKAH."
Jason K.: "What about CHRISTMASSEXFUCK?"
--"You wanna know what really sucks? Let me tell you what really sucks. Because...I KNOW what really sucks." --Alice
--"When I was little, I had a recurring nightmare that the guy from 'Major Dad' was trying to kill me." --Jill
--"Funny, 'cause it makes fun of someone else who isn't me!" --Hugo
--"Mmm, floor pie." --Mark
--"That'll be me." --Mark
--"I mean, he was lying under tons of newspaper." --Mark
--Alice: "It's official! I am more fun than drywall!"
Me: "You're also more fun than watching paint dry! AND watching grass grow!"
Alice: "WOOHOO!"
--"Yeah, I thought about banging him. But I didn't, as the picture clearly captures." --Andy
--"Don't go knocking on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run away (he hates that)." --Rhona A small note on Rhona: She appeared at benfolds.org several months ago. Some people think she's just a joke. I don't know and I don't care, but if she's a joke, she's an ingenius one.
--"How come everyone loves animals, but eats Goldfish and animal crackers? Kinda sick, really." --Rhona
--"On children's cough syrup, it says, 'Do not operate heavy machinery after use.' Yeah, that should cut down on the fork lift accidents of those under five." --Rhona
--"This sentence contradicts itself, no, wait, actually, it doesn't." --Rhona
--"I was lying in my bed looking at the stars and I thought, 'Where the fuck's the ceiling?'" --Rhona
--"For the love of motherless weasles!" --Alice
--"Time to stroke my ego! You know you wanna." --Alice
--"I was in that ping pong ZONE." --Sarah
--"Well, to remove all doubt, I was talking about the size of your package, not your penis." --Wout
--"Seems he wasn't getting along with some of the guys he worked with, so...he quit. Boy, Jeff, did you show THEM!" --Alice
--"Pink Bunny: $65. Night without kids: $0. Video: $19.95. What just happened to you: Priceless." --Enola
--"*builds time machine, does a bunch of stuff with it*" --John
--"Yesterday, I was watching my aunt open a Christmas present. From the look on her face you would have thought she was unwrapping a check for a million dollars and a lifetime supply of orgasms. The room was rather quiet, so I grabbed my cell phone and typed out a text to my cousin, who was seated in boredom beside me. 'If I ever get wet over getting Pyrex for Christmas, please shoot me.'" --Leslie
--"Tell me you watched that and were hoping for the dude to screw up." --Ben
--"I'd have to go with 'foreskin.'" --Hugo
--"I'd have to go with 'Shut the fuck up.' Just kidding, of course." -Andrea
--"*Lacy on her cell phone* Hey, Nate, you know that belt buckle I bought earlier?...Well, how do you put it on?...Yes, you can...Yes, you can...Yes, you can!...You can too wear it with this kind of belt, because I'm wearing it right now!" --Lacy
--"*Lacy's cell phone rings* Hang on....Hello?...Big. Nate. I am talking to my cousin. And she does NOT wanna listen to me talking to you...Are you?...Are you, really?...Aw, honey, that is so sweet...Are you really?...Really?...*sigh* Okay, let me look out the window...Turn on your headlights...Hey, you really ARE on the other side of the cornfield!" --Lacy
--"He's still over there...flashing his lights..." --Lacy
--"I'm gonna see what he's doing over there, hold on...*places call on cell phone* What are you doing?...You're just sitting there? Well, that's nice...Honey, why are you flashing your lights?...You're 'just playing with them.' Okay. Well. Uh. I just wondered what you were doing. You want me to come over there?...Oh, you're just there for a few minutes. Okay...Oh, there's a truck coming down that road, honey! Are you on the wrong side of the road again? Oh...they turned off, nevermind." --Lacy
--"He said a coyote chased him across the cornfield the other night." --Lacy
--"Now he's going backward down the road...I don't know where he's going, but he's backing up...Oh, he's coming to a stop. And now he's going forward. Oop, he's backing up again. I don't know what he's doing. Maybe he's trying to run over that coyote." --Lacy
--"If I called and said, 'Honey, what are you doing?' he'd say, 'I'm backing up.' And if I said, 'Why?' he'd say, 'Awww...I don't know.'" --Lacy
--"He was following me home once...at night...and he turned his headlights off. I looked up in the mirror and thought...'Oh, man, he must have turned down the wrong road'...and I started slowing down...way down...I guess it bothered him that I was only going about twenty...so he turned on his high beams and started flashing 'em at me. Later, I was like, 'What were you doing?' and he said, 'Aww...I don't know.'" --Lacy
--*I pull out blank papers from paperwork, start to feed them back into the printer beside me*
Tyler: "Hey, give me those."
*I hand them to him, not paying attention*
Tyler: "I'll throw 'em away, that trash can's pretty full. *balls them up and tosses them into nearby waste basket*
Me: "...Why did you just do that?"
Tyler: "What?"
Me: "Why did you just throw those away? I was about to put them back in the printer!"
Tyler: "Because...it's what I've been told to do!"
Me: "Paige told you to throw away blank sheets of paper?"
Tyler: "Hey, I told you I was going to!"
Me: "Like I was listening! I never pay attention when you talk."
Tyler: "Next time, listen! An innocent tree just died because of you!"
--Me: "If I were little, and some people did that to me, I don't think I'd laugh."
Nathan: "Me, neither. I'd be like, *hitting his nose with the palm of his hand* 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'"
--"I said that face meant, 'Go stick your wang in a banana,' and then I remembered that you already did that." --Melissa
--"Hey...that's my tomorrow! You damned Adeladians have lived my tomorrow?" --Laura
--"Flip, come in here and say something mean about Andrea's face!" --CD
--"Too bad Elliott Smith didn't have a LiveJournal! Uh...I mean, Steph, this is no place for jokings!" --Jason K.
--"Carson 'Tool Bag' Daily." --Jon
--"Ben Folds almost ran me over in his SUV." --Jon
--Jill: "Man, I would do anything for a Chili's gift certificate."
Ashley: "Like buy one?"
--"If I buy three Ben Folds dolls, or even one, somebody shoot me. My life will have reached a new low." --David
--Paige: "What do you call a man with half a brain?"
Buck: "Gifted?"
Paige: "Ha! That was good! I was just gonna say, 'Buck.'"
--Mom: "Your dad wants to know what I did with the regular telephone. I don't remember! I probably threw it out, for all I know! Oh, wait, here it is, I didn't throw it out...but if I had, it's not like I ever would have known!" --Mom
--Mom: "...And you know your dad, he wouldn't leave his motorcycle at my nursing home."
Me: "Yeah, one of the old people might steal it."
Mom: "Uh...yeah...but as I was saying..."
--Me: "It occurred to me yesterday--are you still Wheelchair Wout?"
Wout: "How did such a bizarre thought suddenly occur to you?"
Me: "Well, it wasn't sudden. It slowly worked itself into my consciousness."
Wout: "Well, I've been walking for quite a while now, but still with this thing around my leg. People still point, if that's what you were trying to figure out."
Me: "*lowers hand* I was pointing to the, uh, thing behind you. Thing. Behind you."
Wout: "You mean, that vacuum standing right there?"
Me: "Oh, yeah, the, uh, the vacuum, there, that's right."
Wout: "Why would point at that while there's a FREAKIN' LIMP sitting right in front of it?"
Me: "Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, whereas I hate that vacuum cleaner, and enjoy belittling it whenever possible."
Wout: "Well, you've hurt my feelings a LOT by pointing at my beloved vacuum cleaner. I hope you learned your lesson now. Next time, point at the cripple."
Me: "What about the vacuum behind your vacuum? *points*"
Wout: "HEY! That's not a vacuum! That's an EMPTY SPACE! Are you pointing at my beloved empty space?!"
Me: "Hey, I don't see your name on it!"
Wout: "Well, here's the thing about empty spaces: your eyes suck!"
--"It says, 'I Have Power. Mwahahaha.'" --Peter, on my (finally!) new nametag
--*Tyler says something unintelligible*
Me: "Do what?"
*Tyler repeats himself*
Me: "I'm sorry, I still didn't hear you."
*Tyler repeats himself*
Me: "Uh...oh...yeah..."
Tyler: "...You have no idea what I just said, do you?"
--*after I give a long-winded explanation of some paperwork*
Tyler: "Well, why doesn't it just say that on there?"
Me: "Because it would confuse most of our coworkers. And their shifts aren't as easy to deal with as third."
Tyler: "What did you say?"
Me: "Oh, shut up."
Tyler: "Did you just call third shift easy?"
Me: "I was talking about the paperwork, really, but...it is!"
Tyler: "Oh, yeah? Well, the people on third shift have to take care of the stuff that the rest of you don't seem to comprehend. Like--look! There are empty cups EVERYWHERE back here! No one knows how to pick up their cups and throw them in the trash! There's a cup and there's a cup and there's a cup and there's a cup and there's a cup and there's a cup and JAGHUGFYAWYGWUHGHSDJBVBVBVJHSFDHJAGFAGUEYUFGUFUYFGAUDGFUYGADFUYA!"
*long pause*
Me: "Have you been popping Stacker 3's again?"
*longer pause*
Tyler: "You're not funny."
--"The most embarrassing CD in my collection is Christina Aguilera's Christmas album. They were just giving those away at the mall. In exchange for money." --Jill
--"You won't let me go, Stephanie. And that's just not kewl." --Jason K.
--"Hey, Jason, Animal Wars Tag Team: Who would win and why? Setting: Five foot deep pool of sea water. Climate: Temperate zone. Altitude: Two hundred feet above sea level. Team one: A hammerhead shark with a sword-wielding chimp lashed to its back. Team two: A giant sea turtle with a laser strapped to its head." --David
--"How about a little less question and a little more shut the hell up?" --Jill
--"You're all a bunch of fucking wise-ass Ben Folds wannabes. I hate you all. FACT." --Ramin
--"Fuck you to everyone. You are all bitches. Bitches." --Roy
--"My database doesn't cost anything to run, if you know what I mean." --Stephen
--"I hate you. Well, I hate me, anyway." --John
--"Pineapples, I say...pineapples." --Osh
--"I always say, 'That's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.' The best is to say it in public, as seriously as possible, after something minor happens, and see the reactions of people." --CD
--Jeremy: "SOY BOMB!"
Charles: "I'm Charles Manson, the local killer."
Jeremy: "I'm SOY BOMB!"
--Sean: "You hate me, don't you?"
Andy: "Not per se. You is such a strong word."
Sean: "Well...I have nothing further to say, then."
Andy: "Man, I'm glad that's cleared up."
Sean: "Yeah, the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife."
Andy: "I did, want a slice?"
--"I will fucking stab you." --Grant
--"OMGZ U SAID BOOBZX IN MY LJ. OMGZ!@#@111!! I HAVE NO BOOBAGE. WTF." --Leslie
--"OMFG CNA I BOROW TAHT BOOK JEZUZ AND HIS DAD BOT U? I SAWI T IN TEH BOOKSTROE 2DAY AND WAS LIKE "OMG WTFTFTFTFTFTF?!?!/1?1" YES SND ME TEH BIBLEZX!111!! OMG" --Ryan
--"WHAT?! YOU DON'T LIKE BEN FOLDS? That's a problem. It's a condition called 'whatthefuck,seriously?'" --Jill
--"--Or I'll confiscate your soul." --Leslie
--"HOLY SHIT MY FUCKING SHOE IS CAUGHT IN THE PAPER SHREDDER!" --Amante
--"I REALLY want a pair of green Chucks. And think if I put one of my red ones on and one of my green ones on, I'D BE FESTIVE." --Amante
--Peter: "You watch much PBS? Lots of good stuff."
Me: "Not so often. We don't really watch much television, period."
Peter: "Well, excuse me, Miss Superior. Miss Television Is Beneath Me."
--"You're sugar and spice...and a pinch of sulphuric acid." --Peter
--"I made Jeff my bitch." --Leslie
--Leslie: "Dood. The punk version of Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughta Know' fucking ownz."
Jeff: "I WANT!"
Leslie: "First, you hae to say, 'I'm your bee-otch.'"
Jeff: "First, you have to 'b-l-o-w m-e.'"
--Leslie: "Say it! SAY IT!"
Jeff: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Leslie: "SAY IT!"
--"My favorite physical attribute is my eyes. They don't look so bad to other people and they help me see, too (added bonus)." --Brian
--"I don't know if I should count throwing French fries at an LJ'er's sister as 'dating,' but if ya' wanna get technical..." --Brian
--"I actually tie Tori concerts with Poison concerts (why, yes, I am insane)." --SP
--"I can't cook...Okay, I can, but do I really want to eat spaghetti and brownies everyday for the rest of my life?" --Leslie
--"I hate Travis. And I don't love hating him. It sucks. But so does he!" --Rob
--Regular: "So! Did you have fun trick-or-treating on Friday?"
Me: "Uh...I was here Friday night, actually, but...I think maybe I'm getting too old for trick-or-treating."
Regular: "Heh...what are you, sixteen, seventeen?"
Me: "Twenty...one..."
Regular: "*looks amused*"
--"Ben Folds is great, he really is. I'd still push him out of the way for the last hot dog, though." --Ras
--"It's like a scary, uncharted wilderness over there. The .com is our drunk older brother." --Jason S.
--Tyler: "Hey...did you get a haircut?"
Me: "Yeah, like, two weeks ago."
Tyler: "Hey! You don't have to get all mad about it!"
--"Being a graphic design major, I await the day when my Exacto knife decides to better acquaint itself with some unlucky part of my body..." --Erin
--"JOHN LOVES STEPHANIE! Ooh...Small Town, here we come." --John
--"I say, don't just kiss her, but I'm seventeen, so all I know about is how to avoid humiliation." --Travis
--Me: "'Sarah Knows How to Shuck, You Fucker!'"
John: "I didn't know that."
--"I am going to bed. I will make more cow tomorrow." --Jessi
--"I will now only answer to my given street name, Little-g." --Leslie
--Monica: "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeze bizzatch...you bettah check yo' self."
Leslie: "You straight frontin', y0. Step down, bizatch. You can't hang wit' dis."
R.: "Aight, G."
--"I let my child walk in the middle of the street while I smoke pot. I hear that is okay." --oshfr
John: "Nathan! Steph wanted me to visit!"
Nathan: "Sure she did."
John: "You cool?"
Nathan: No."
John: "'Kay."
Nathan: "I don't trust you."
John: "'Kay. Sorry."
Nathan: "No, whatever. Not my business. She's only my ROOMMATE, after all."
John: "Yeah, she's cool. 'Kay, go fuck yourself. I love you."
Nathan: "Come visit, I don't care. But I'm staying in the bedroom. I don't take visitors."
--"So I read some books and watched a lot of TV and, uh, here I am now. I think I went to the beach once." --Grant's biography
--"This film makes you want to be an atheist." --Kirk
--"AND my boss is cross-eyed, not that I have anything against that, but how can I look someone in the eye when I don't know which eye to focus on, and how do I know that he is paying attention to what I am saying?" --Jessi
--"Man, if someone pulled out a gun when I was high, I'd run like a motherfucker. Not that I wouldn't do that sober, but I'd be way more freaked if I was high." --Webb
--Jason, on Britney Spears: "Sorry, I prefer my whores to have fewer than nine STD's."
Travis: "Liar."
Jason: "Yeah, you're right. It's really seven."
--"I'd fuck Britney. Then I'd be like, 'Ho, get yo' azz out of this joint, my parents are home." --Jason G.
--"Who in their right mind would confess, 'I did it doggy style'?" --Melody
--"*cocks head to side* Are you saying I'm fat?" --Kate, at random
--"You have to give Tyler some credit, Steph--his handwriting is worse than yours." --Paige
--Paige: "Have you ever locked yourself out of the back office?"
Me: "Yeah, but I don't take my keys back there with me, so it's not a problem."
Paige: *long pause* "Are you saying I'm stupid?"
Me: ???
Paige: "...Just kidding."
--"Amish rake-fighting--don't ask." --Nathan, at random
--Me: "You know...I bet Hitchcock masturbated--"
Nathan: "Shut up."
--"THINK about it (but not too much)." --Wout
--"You should come to our country. They let you eat when you're eighteen." --Phil
--"Elizabeth Not So Smart." --Justin
--Colin: "Anything ever posted by Melissa should be disregarded. She is a hobo on a computer at the local library, spreading anger and disdain across the Internet."
--David: "I didn't notice any anger...or disdain. And disdain isn't so bad...not nearly as bad as malice."
Colin: "She's got a good amount of malice, as well. Either way, you should never trust a hobo's word."
David: "Actually, according to the hobo code, I should."
Colin: "I didn't know how many hobos actually posted on the Internet. I'll back off before I get randomly strangled on the street one day."
--"I think Flip and Dixie need to be run through a wood chipper--one made for morons." --Ben
--"Scarlett Johansson is my lover. I want her babies." --Colin
--"What, did someone just ask me something?" --Grant
--"The ocean levels will rise about 10-20 feet, which, indeed, sucks for New Orleans, but I think the majority of the earth will be okay." --Ashley, on melting icecaps
--"Oh, piss off. If genetically-altered food were so damn 'harmful,' we'd have fourteen-year-old girls running around with double-C tits and thirteen-year-old boys standing 6'2". Oh...oops." --William
--"If I had a million dollars, I'd probably buy myself a huge bed with a feather blanket and eight pillows that I need a ladder to climb onto." --Trish
--A.J.: "Can you justify your existence?"
Grant: "I tip people."
Jaycie: "I love hearing fist kiss stories, so dish!"
Jason: "My fist gives good oral. We like to skip first steps. Occasionally, it invites a friend: the other fist. Best. Threesome. Ever."
"And then he...fisted me?...Kidding." --Another Laura
--"She spilled cadmium on me at science camp. It was love. Then, we kissed on the balcony of a mansion overlooking a bay." --Jonas, on his first kiss
--*after I get off the phone with Nathan*
Tyler: "*in old-lady voice* 'Oh, hell-o, dearrr.'"
Me: "Did I say that? I didn't say that."
Tyler: "No, but it was in your voice."
--*an arm comes around me in the dark; a quiet voice in my ear* Uh-oh! Danger! Danger in the night!" --Nathan
--Amanda: "Tell her to go swallow a chainsaw."
TS: "Tell her it looks like her face was on fire and someone put it out with an ax."
--"My favorites are pingpong, pool, other such physically demanding sports..." --Sarah
--"Okay, I'd never give you peach-flavored anything. Not for Halloween, not for Christmas." --JT
--"Snowboarding is about ripping down the mountain in your t-shirt long after the rocks are peeking out through the snow and people are asking, 'Hey, aren't these slopes closed?'" --Aleesha
--"GOD, it feels good to be twenty-nine...erm...again." --Alice
--"Pretty bad idea. I bet it would make Brian Wilson turn in his bed." --Wout
--"Zip barks, 'What the fuck?'" --John
--Tyler: "I think he was trying to hit on you."
Me: "He asked me if I kept any on the side..."
Tyler: "Do you?"
Me: "No!"
Tyler: "You've never cheated on your boyfriend?"
Me: "No."
Tyler: "Really?"
Me: "Yes."
Tyler: "You liar."
Me: "What? I haven't!"
Tyler: "You're a liar. I can tell. You have those cheating eyes."
Me: *flips him the bird*
Tyler: "Oh, okay."
--"I graduated and a year later, Mom starts in, 'You know, I had you when I was your age...' Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I have enough trouble keeping my geranium alive." --Blythe
--"Wait! So you cheated? Admit it." --John, on Sarah's vanilla flavor
--*after Tyler and a customer discuss Metallica*
Me: "Yeah, too bad Metallica sucks."
Tyler: "Don't make me burn your house down."
Me: "I don't have a house, I have an apartment."
Tyler: "Then I'll burn the apartment building down."
Me: "Okay. Metallica stills sucks."
Tyler: "Don't make me kill you."
Me: "You'd kill me because I don't like the music you like? You hate everything I listen to."
Tyler: "I don't hate everything you listen to."
Me: "Do you not remember about two weeks ago when you asked me what I listened to and then made fun of everyone I named?"
Tyler: "I didn't make fun of them."
Me: "You did."
Tyler: "I simply stated that I hadn't heard of any of them."
Me: "That's not true. You hated them! You hate the music I listen to!" Heh heh heh.
--"The female brain is HOT." --Andy
--Me: "You should drink more orange juice, take some vitamins."
Peter: "I drink OJ and take vitamins--hoo-ha!"
--"I didn't have any pics that didn't make me look like an ax murderer, sorry." --Peter
--"Um. I think I watched Titanic last night. If you were there, then please let me know...?" --Leslie
--"I took my car in for an oil change and that night I had sex three times. Wait, that was the next night. I don't remember, nevermind." --Nathan
--Peter: "I actually do hate Ben Folds."
Me: "Pfft. What have you heard, besides 'Brick'?"
Peter: "I know of one song of his, 'Army'?"
Me: "Heh, you don't like 'Army'? I actually like that one."
Peter: "I hate it, he sounds like a whiny bastard."
Me: "Hahahahah."
Peter: "Whining and whining."
--"I was never the sharpest tire in the garage." --John
--"Yeah, I should...look through the glass...of the window...that's next to my bed...but not really, because the miniblinds are in the way." --Chaz
Me: "My conversational skills are like...jf;djfjfjdfjadjfasdj fkj."
Chaz: "Mine, too. Except more like...sdfgldsf0938r0932820437209wefkjwopuw-1809124x0rZ!!!111!!1111!1!!!!"
Me: "But that's awesome!"
Chaz: "Well, when you have a Harvard sweater, these things seem to just come to you."
--"Hostility seen harmful for long-term health." --Yahoo! headline
--"Um, you know how you never answer the phone much? Well, like, so you never get sales calls then? No?"
Me: "That's right."
John: "This guy was just trying to sell me mortgage and I TRIED SO HARD, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HARD, to be nice. And I thought...WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT WOULD STEPH DO?"
Me: "Steph would pretend to be a child and say the parents aren't home. *cough* It works."
John: "Oh, I'm sure. I mean, yeah, it would. But this guy, I was like, 'No. No, thanks. Not interested. I'm leaving now,' and he was all, 'You don't wanna save thousands of dollars?!' And finally, I-I-I said, 'My mom and dad aren't home, sorry.' And hung up."
--"I wanna live so I can't drink some more. Haha. Just kidding." --John
--"FECK ME RAW, AIM!" --John
--Wout: "Ah, why not...happy birthday, Steph! *throws confetti...opens another bag of confetti...gets ready to throw some...throws some...goes to the store to buy some new confetti*"
John: "*coordinates convoy of 21 eighteen-wheelers, all loaded with...confetti...*"
Wout: "robs confetti convoy and steals confetti*"
--Wout: "*says, 'Hi,' to John*"
John: "*shows no outward signs of concern...says, 'Hi,' to Wout...shows no outward signs of concern* Tra la la la la! (Psst...Steph! Outwardly, I'm concerned) BUT HAPPY FOR YOU ALL THE SAME!"
--"Whoa. Steph, I would have sent a card, if someone had emailed me her address! *looks in desk drawer. realizes Steph's address is on the card she sent me back in September. bangs head on wall.*" --Jason
--"The vacuum's all better now. You're gonna experience a whole new world of suck." --Jim
--"LET'S GET OUR 'FACE ON BIAAATCHHHH!!!" --Brian
--"My mom and dad aren't home right now, so...I can't really buy insurance." --John
--Mom: "They're hollering at me in the family room to come back so they can watch the movie."
Me: "What movie?"
Mom: "Charlie's Angels."
*pause...I hear a distant voice*
Me: "I hear someone shouting."
Mom: "Oh, that's Dad. He's saying if you want to talk to me, you should come home."
Me: "And watch Charlie's Angels with you guys."
Mom: "Oh, well, it would be a different movie by then, of course..."
--Mom: "Demi Moore's going out with Ashton."
Me: "Ashton Kurcher? Really?"
Mom: "Yyyyeah."
Me: "But isn't he, like, my age?"
Mom: "Yyyyeah."
Me: "And isn't she..."
Mom: "Yyyyeah."
Me: "So she's kinda..."
Mom: "Robbin' the cradle? Yyyyeah."
--Me: "I'm listening to the Great Expectations soundtrack, I haven't heard this in aaaages. Reminds me of...our trip to the St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank our sophomore year. 'Member dat? We spent very little time at the bank and most of the trip at the St. Louis mall."
Christine: "Kinda? No."
Me: "You borrowed money from that huge guy who thought he was a vampire (or was it a werewolf)? And then he tried to follow you around."
Christine: "Not so much, but I do still have my bag of shredded money."
Me: "Me, too! Found it the other night...The guy was the one who'd had some kind of sexual dream about you."
Christine: "What guy?"
Me: "You don't remember?! Okay...he was really tall and fat...and creepy."
Christine: "Yum."
--Me: "That mall...had a Chick-Fil-A. Man, that stuff sucked. And Chick-Fil-A is ALL OVER down here. And it still sucks. But YOU like it. YOU can't sympathize. YOU."
Christine: "ME."
--"Lucas lost money. Lots of money. Joe's money." --Jason
--Nathan: "I never got Rock, Paper, Scissors. I mean...what were they supposed to mean? Paper covers rock? What's that?"
Me: "I never got Rock, Paper, Scissors. I mean...what was the game supposed to mean?"
Nathan: "Remote Control, Bottle, Video--that's my version."
Me: "How do you play? What are the signs?"
Nathan: "Well...this is a Remote Control *makes random gesture with hands*...this is Bottle *random gesture*...and this is Video *random gesture*."
Me: "So how does it work?"
Nathan: "Okay...Remote Control erases Video...and Bottle spills on Remote Control...and...nevermind."
--*in the midst of a fake argument*
Tyler: "Okay, well, I'm leaving, now. *starts to walk out*"
Me: "HEY! Get back here! Come back and fight like a man!"
Tyler: "Oh, I could fight, if I really wanted to. I'm a master debator."
Me: "I'm sure you are."
Tyler: "I'm going home. *walks out, goes home*"
--"Drunk driving should be against the law." --Josh
--"Cock?" --Kasey
--"H4w h4w!" --Jason
--"John: 'What's "Beh"? Some anonymous source just "Beh'd" me.'
Stephanie: 'Some poor little sheep thinks your its mother.'" --John
--John: "Did you 'Beh' me?"
Sarah: "You were Beh'd by me."
--Me: "So you finally fell to your knees before LiveJournal. Personally, I'm glad, just sorry I had to send my guys around to bust your kneecaps for it to happen."
John: "Yeah, I kinda expected the kneecap realignment...but, you know, those guys were really nice. We watched a football game and ate chips. Well, I was bound, gagged, and blindfolded. But I could hear everything. Good game."
--"You showed everyone a picture of your entry-level BMW. I thought that sucked. However, your posts are sometimes funny and you say offensive things, which makes you a-okay in my book. And when Kristen showed her tits, you flipped out and that was awesome, too. In conclusion, I would like to say that A1 ruins a good steak and condoms are overrated. That's all." --CD, to Andrea
--"Losing a pet is often harder than losing family members. Pets can actually be nice to you." --Adam
--Ian: "I like a girl with a boyfriend. Any suggestions?"
JP: "Have him killed."
Madison: "Kick his ass, girls love it when you kick their boyfriend's ass."
Ned: "Kill yourself because she'll never be yours."
Ryan: "If you're like me, you should just realize that no one will ever love you, because there's always someone better than you. Life sucks, girls suck, and your life will never get better, if the past is any indicator...Having him killed isn't a bad idea, though. She'll probably still never love you, but at least it will make you feel better. Temporarily."
Brian: "What about the other guy?"
Ned: "As long as I'm not the other guy, I say, go for it!"
Kyle: "The otehr guy is always an asshole. Always. Fuck the other guy."
Osh: "If you have a trunk, you can easily dispose of the annoying guy. Ever see Psycho? All you need is a pond."
--Biff: "Let's talk about how much Ben masturbates whilst eating soup."
Adam: "Finally, someone with a good idea."
--Zach: "Grant's sister is a hawtie!"
Grant: "THAT WAS A LOW BLOW."
--"*eats a Cheez-it...looks around...turns head toward sound from the other room...ah, it was nothing...eats another one...and another...closes box...glances at everything she has to do...opens box...has another...closes box again...pulls hair back...takes it down again...stares at screen* --Sarah, on procrastination
--"I absconded with the girlfriend of a friend once. Actually, three of them in a row. Then, he beat me up--on a trampoline. The only time in my life I have been beaten up was on a trampoline. So I bet my context for being beaten is all screwed up." --a different Jason
--"I have decided I need some witchy friends to say spells for me to lose about 30 lbs in 6 weeks. So if you know any witches, I would be glad to send them some hair or something." --Jessi
--"Say hi to Michael Stipe for me." --Peter
--"I was walking along Englewood today and I passed this dude I believe I should have married. But, you know...he was going that way, I was going the other." --Sarah, on her latest crush
--"The first thing I notice about a guy is their smile. Unless they don't smile. And then it would be their blank expression." --Sarah
--"Nathan is at an R.E.M. concert. What's not to get?" --Grant
--Laura: "There are such delicate levels of sarcasm present here. I'm freaked out."
John: "Delicate Levels of Sarcasm...their first album was all right...but they went all 'gooey' on the followup."
Laura: "I saw Delicate Levels of Sarcasm in September and got my face smashed up in the moshpit."
John: "Maybe the levels of sarcasm are more delicate than anyone suspected."
--"Hey, John. Get back on AIM (under a name I know)." --Grant
--"I want to have Toby Keith's next baby so bad that it makes my ovaries hurt! That is all." --Abby
--"Isn't Charles Baker dead? Maybe he came back to life for the chili cook-off!" --Sarah (a different one)
--"Ben used to be the front man of the alternative rock group Ben Folds Five. The group was unique and did not sound like anything else on the radio." --Jill
--"I don't mind my balls." --John
--Me: "I have to get offline now."
John: "See ya'. Bye."
Me: "I'll leave you with a nice mental image of balls."
John: "'Kay. 'Night."
Me: "Goodnight."
*I log off...I log back on*
Me: "Not that you need a mental image."
*no response*
Me: "I just, you know, couldn't think of anything better to say at the moment."
*no response*
Me: "No, really."
*no response*
Me: "Really."
*no response*
Me: "Really."
*John signs off*
--"Yeah, you should totally flip out and start cutting off heads. Man, I'm so excited, I might just kick my mom in the face!" --Grant
--Kevin: "I need some great breakup songs."
CD: "Korn, 'Dirty.' 'Sittin' here / All alone / I wanna blow my head off.' That always helped me through the hard times."
--"My friend LOVES them. I was listening to them with her, I said, 'Wow, this sucks,' and then she kicked me in the head." --Sarah
--"It's you! I knew you'd be in here!" --Chaz
--"I always do that at McDonald's." --Mark
--"Note to self: The next time you are parked in the middle of a vacant field getting it on--lock the doors." --Aleesha
--"I'm going to go to Lawrence to see the most wonderful people in the history of the world (Wichita kids)." --Another Sarah Hee hee heeeeee.
--"Excess offspring are a drain on society. Cyanide smells like almonds. You know what we're saying." --Somethingawful.com
--"I'd drive my mom off a cliff if she put a 'How's my driving?' bumper sticker on my car." --Jason K.
--"I barely said a word to you (actually, not a single one), but I've LOVED you from the moment I read your StephOstrich04.jpg conversation on :^)'s site." --Wout :^)
--"My first rock concert was Poison and Warrant. Wow...I've been hiding that for 15 years..." --Joe
--"You should just walk in there and make a scene. 'WHAT?! YOU DON'T CARRY HONEY?! FINE! I'VE GOT MY OWN GODDAMN HONEY. *pulls a big jar of honey out of a bag and dumps it all over the counter* HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?! HUH?! NEXT TIME, YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE DENYING ME MY HONEY, WON'T YOU?! WON'T YOU?!"...or something like that." --Jason
--Larry: "I've been told I look and act like Jimmy Kimmel."
Jason: "You look and act like a douchebag? That's charming."
--Merry: "Jason, are you a badass?"
Jason K.: "I don't think I could objectively answer that. So, subjectively speaking, I'm badd ass."
--"There is something comforting about having a pineapple." --Autumn
--"'Wannabe' was okay at the time...looking back on it, though, it is a pile of wang." --Mak
--"You copped a natural feel on my tie." --John
--"Oh, and, yes, 'Love Shack' sucks, I don't care if everyone on this board loves it and Ben covers it, it still sucks and I hate when it comes on somewhere and I can't escape." --Larry
--"Eat that, Minnesota!" --Andy
--"It's not like I said, 'Steph, I have some bad news. One of us is pregnant.'" --John
--"Three Girls and a Condom...new from Dreamworks."--John
--"Thanks for telling my son he'll be gay!" --Mary
--"The name Sphincter blossomed out of Victor after 8th grade health class. That was fun." --Vic
--"I'd just like to take a moment to plug my great state of Arizona for being #50 in public school funding. Give us a break, we have more important things to spend money on, like swimming pools and golf courses." --Taylor
--Taylor: "It's cheap and easy, like Ali."
Ali: "Yeah, I guess I am cheap and easy."
Taylor: "Easy like a Sunday morning..."
Andy: "Cheap like a Sunday evening."
--"Okay, this is the part of the argument where the orgy starts." --Andy
--"This is how all the religion arguments should end." --Andy, on getting naked
--Julian: "Andy, put your clothes back on."
Andy: "If I put my clothes back on, the terrorists have already won."
--Jason: "Just out of curiosity, who hates Taylor so much?"
A.J.: "I do, the bastard."
Jason: "What, exactly, did she do to you?
Billy: "Have no life?"
Grant: "Yeah, I could see how that could drive someone to murderous rage."
--CD: "Less Taylor, more .ORG RACIST threads."
Sara: "Black man, simmah down. Go milk a cow or something."
--Andy, at random: "I am sick and tired of all the believers that believe that it is okay. Don't you people have any morals about this controversial topic? It's things like this particular controversial topic that lead me to believe that the world is going to Hell. If you disagree with me, I am going to call you a racist, homophobe, heterophobe, genderist, or, perhaps, agist. You judgemental prick."
Taylor: "Fuck you, Andy. My morals like in favor of this controversial topic. God told me that people who diagree with this controversial topic will go to Hell with the rest of the non-believers."
Andy: "See, Taylor, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. If people like you can't have their mind changed by people like me on a Ben Folds message board, then the terrorists have already won. 'Quote from some reliable source on why I am right.' If you can't face the reality of the truth I have just quoted, then you are a moron, and destined to end up in an alley somewhere, on your knees doing whatever it takes to get a half-empty bottle of whiskey."
Alex: "Andy, you are my new hero. It's about time someone posted a message about this topic."
Taylor: "Andy, that source you qouted...don't you remember the scandal in which tehy were involved that one time in teh past? RUINED THEM. I'll never again trust those dirty bastards."
Andy: "The scandal was only a media-spread rumor. Fact is that this controversial topic is only going to get solved if we make 100 or so posts about it on the Ben Folds message board over the next year, and argue about it incessantly to change each others' minds. Let the healing begin."
Taylor: "Yeah, well, you still haven't addressed that one issue about that one thing that's also really controversial. Let's see what you have to say about that, bitch."
Andy: "It is immoral. It is indecent. It is wrong. It is expensive. It gives me heartburn. I prefer the other thing, like, a lot."
Taylor: "No, no, Andy, again, you have it allllll wrong."
Andy: "As it turns out...you are wrong. That's it. You ARE an agist!"
Phil: "One thing I don't think either of you have considered is the other other side to this argument. Sure, it may not be very popular, but it has its strong points."
Andy: "The other side is automatically discarded because of my strong and unbending convictions otherwise."
Phil: "Well, I'm going to attempt to un-discard it by making reference to a historical event that only affected a small amount of people and bares no relevance to the actual argument, but then make some bizarre connection between the two events."
Andy: "I'm doing to discard that reference by quoting the Bible."
Phil: "I'm going to quote the Koran."
Julian: "I'm going to quote another section of the Bible which disproves Andy's and Phil's points."
Phil: "I'm going to be reminded of a TV show I saw once that used a joke similar to Andy's, and forget entirely that I was just involved with a heated argument against him only moments ago. I will then quote the charismatic comic relief of the aforementioned TV show and disprove my own previous arguments."
Andy: "Repeat for 300 posts..."
Phil: "*bump*"
Andy: "Why did you have to bring up and old thread? *FLAME*"
Julian: "*starts arguing with a point made a page ago and brings up closed wounds*"
Phil: "I disagree, and think we should argue this further. 57% of made-up statistics from some research that didn't even happen do little to convince you."
Kurt: "I'm going to post, and then reply to myself...Wow, I can't believe I just replied to myself. What a controversial thing to do."
Taylor: "I think we should stop arguing. No one's going to win this fight..."
Phil: "I disagree."
Taylor: "In the words of some famous person in history, 'You're more wrong than a person wearing Nike shoes and Adidas socks.'"
Julian: "No, I win because I can yell louder and spout more rhetoric than anyone else!"
Ill: "This is a close-minded statement."
Julian: "This is a completely off-topic post."
Joe: "This is the post where the unknown member says something for only the fifth time or so since he joined the site, though his post comes after he only read half of the previous posts, thus negating anything this member may have to add to the argument."
Taylor: "You have no business arguing this topic. It's between Andy, myself, and the chimps."
Nick: "Isn't this the part where two or three people break in to remind everyone this is a Ben message board and we all just need to get along?"
Michael: "Well, as long as 85% of Americans think that 93% of Americans think that isn't true, you're still wrong."
Taylor: "I've never responded to a topic as controversial as this one. In fact, I'm very upset about this whole argument. I just can't take it anymore."
Billy: "I hate people who just make comments to comment."
Taylor: "Don't try to change the subject."
Andy: "I'm not gonna talk about it anymore. It is obvious that this board is full of bigots and the anti-topic propaganda isn't going to stop any time soon."
Ashley: "LOL, Andy, the initial post reminded me of Dudeguybot...the chat bot? One time we were chatting and he was going berserk and he said stuff like: Dudeguybot: 'Are you usually awake at this hour?' Ashley: 'Yes.' Dudeguyboy: 'And?' Ashley: 'And I'm usually at work at this hour, but it's Saturday.' Dudeguybot: 'Very often. What is that: topic?' Ashley: 'It's a very good school.' Dudeguybot: 'Topic is a good school. I suppose that makes sense.' The poor dude."
Grant: "*unintelligible post that is unrelated to the issue at hand and, in fact, unrelated to anything in the universe, meant to show you all the absurdity of your endless arguments and suddenly make you see the truth, that nothing matters*"
A.J.: "UNINFORMED BUT HEARTFELT OPINION IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS."
Brian: "Stupid, off-the-wall comment to kill the thread..."
Mary: "I am a changed person forever. You all really got me thinking about this critical issue, and I'm really thankful to Andy for bringing it up. I'm going to eat some more Smarties and read something else."
Elaina: "Well, this is getting off-topic, but I think that something this controversial should be addressed. I personally had no opinion on this subject until that certain someone who I hate so much posted, so now I'm going to post the exact opposite. This is my argument. I am stating it again because I think you're all too dumb to understand it. Here is my pointless support. Now, I will state my argument again. And so, you see, I'm right. Now, no one respond. This topic is dead. This post is closed. *clicking the 'Post Message' button with complete confidence that I have just changed the lives of the 14 people who needed my Foldsian guidane and that everyone will listen to me and this thread will die, just like they always do...*"
Grant: "Why must you taint our happy board with your controversy? ALL IT DOES IS DIVIDE."
Phil: "I disagree...I think we should leave hate and violence off messageboards. Save it for the real world...That, my friends, was sarcasm. It's here till Thursday."
--"My first concert was New Kids on the Block. Lemme tell you--although they did lipsynch, it FUCKING RULED." --Hugo
--"I was at a bar the other night and some girl said, 'I just went down on some guy in the parking lot. You better give me some Orbit gum so I don't smell nasty.' Okay, that didn't happen, but I bet it should have." --CD
--Andy: "4 out of 5 CD's prefere Trident. The other one is Andrea."
Me: "I prefer Winterfresh."
Andy: "That's no surprise, 4 out of 5 Stephanies prefer Winterfresh. The other one is Andrea. Also, in alarming news, only 4 out of 5 dentists are actually clever. Andrea...uh, is the other one. 4 out of 5 Andys prefer Altoids to chewing gum."
Me: "And the other one?"
Sara: "The other one is Andrea."
Me: "Are you sure? Andy, can you help us out on this one?"
Andy: "Yeah. The other one is, indeed, Andrea."
Me: "'Kay. Just wanted to make sure."
Andy: "No, thank YOU."
Me: "*mutters, 'Thank you'...toes ground with shoe...ahem...'You know, I meant to say it'...ahem...'Sorry'...stares at shoes for a while...makes awkward excuse and leaves the room*"
Andy: "Can I have your children?"
Phil: "You can have 4 out of 5 of my children."
Andy: "And the other one?"
Phil: "Do you want Andrea?"
Andy: "Let's not be ridiculous."
--"This guy decided he was going to start calling me Big Juicy, because of my size. It later got shortened to Juice and it's been around ever since, but it's lost its meaning. So, when people ask me what it really means, I suppose I could make something up, but I usually just tell them, so I can make them feel bad." --Jason
--Phil: "You'd rather go back in time than look after Andrea? That's harsh, dude."
Andy: "Don't judge."
Phil: "Hmm...can I assume?"
--Julian: "Go run with scissors, fool."
Phil: "Go squirt lemon juice in your eye, prat."
Julian: "Go stick your head in an oven, git. Gas, mind. Electric wouldn't work unless you turned it on and that'd be uncomfy."
Phil: "Go put your head in a waffle iron, nancy."
Julian: "Go drown in lentils, hippie."
Phil: "Go bleach your head, fascist."
Julian: "Have we got a video?"
Phil: "Yes! We've got a video!"
--"You have what it takes. Repeat after me now (but, you know, replace 'you' with 'I')." --John
--Andrea: "If you're seriously emotionally hurting and thinking of hurting yourself, get help. There's tons of people out there who can help you."
TB: "Like who? Who will help me? None of you...not one...none of you really care."
Damon: "You're damn right I don't."
TB: "See...I knew it. Off to buy some sleeping pills."
Damon: "Peace out, man."
--"When I read words I don't understand, I want to smash things." --TB
--"Why don't people just do things for money anymore? What have we become? :(" --Matt
--"What if Jesus' name had been Carl? Or Bob? Or Larry? How silly would this all seem, then?" --Tommie
--"You are already registered. You are currently logged in." --Nathan's Hostboard, when I try to register Oh.
--"Elton John posed this question to me: Can you feel the love tonight? My answer? A resounding, 'Not really.' But THANKS." --Jill
--"I hate shirts that have words on the breasticular area. I always feel like I'm oggling, when I'm just trying to read a shirt. Or I always feel like I'm trying to read a shirt, when I'm just oggling. Take your pick, but they mess with my mind, those breasticular logo shirts..." --Damon
--Me: "Is Mckenzie still there with you? And did I misspell that?"
Dad: "Makenzi."
Me: "Ack."
Dad: "I know." He later ammended that it's actually MaKenzie...but still!
--"At this time, I will regretably state that I am unable to continue...to continue my bid for Governor of Californ-i-a. It is not because I don't have the votes to win, but I find the requirement of having to live in that state to be a deal-breaker. Thank you, no questions AT THIS TIME." --Tom
--"My first day as part of the unemployed community and already I have reduced myself to craving attention from others as if I have been locked in a closet for the last two years." --Jessi
--"It's not Steve's fault there's something wrong with my birthday. For starters, it's celebrated every day of the year." --Wout
--"This explains why everyone has been calling me up saying, 'CleverDentist is really StupidTrashman.' And I'm like, 'Wow! I never would have guessed that!'" --Jerry
--CD: "All of a sudden, Jason K. and some others stop posting frequently and the board goes to shit."
Jason K.: "Coincidence? Probably."
--"In honor of a thought presented in the 'Why Can't I Get Laid' thread, the aforementioned, 'Finally Getting Some' Association is being represented. Signups begin now. The purpose of the Association: To finally get some." --Grant
--"Overheard at Princeton, as I live and breathe:
First Girl: 'On Saturday, I have three papers to finish.'
Second Girl: 'Writing is hard.'
First Girl: 'It is hard.'
Keep in mind, these are Princeton students." --Peter
--"A/s/L! Do YoU LiKe sLiPkNoT?!" --Jill
--"*tries to emulate syrup*" --John
--Grant: "AIM is where it's at."
Sara: "MSN is where it's at. GRANT'S WRONG."
--"I only smoke decaf coffee beans." --JTP
--Drew: "Something new for drug-doers: I like to call it 'smoking a coffee bean.' Just crush it up and load a bowl into a can or pipe, just like weed. It tastes, smells, and burns the throat exactly the same. But there's no memory loss or anything...you just move really fast. It's funny! And coffee beans aren't even illegal!"
Noah: "No memory loss, eh? That's good...that way you can remember what a dumb fuckin' idea it is!"
Nathan: "Hey, have you ever tried sniffing glue? Or drinking furniture polish? It gives you a buzz, man, and glue and furniture polish AREN'T EVEN ILLEGAL. I know a great idea when I see it."
--"Polo starts this Sunday. Excuse me while I try to contain my excitement." --Chaz
--"*casually begins reading 'How to Seem Cool without the Aid of a Computer'*" --John
--Ken: "What time are you here till tonight, Stephanie?"
Me: "Ten. You off at eight?"
Ken: "No, I'm here till ten, too. Unless you want me to leave at eight. *pathetic puppy dog face*"
--"This is crap! Whoever recommended Hot Hot Heat to me shall be shot, execution-style. You raped my ears." --Leslie
--"If you take me off your friends list, I will give you balls, then dullspoon you. --Love, ~j." --Jason's rebuttal to Leslie's threat
--"Dullspooning ? Leslie." --Jason
--*after long conversation with young male, obviously his roommate*
Ken's Roommate: "See you later."
Ken: "Yeah, see you later."
Me: "I didn't know you had a lover, Ken."
Ken: "Stephanie! I thought you were on my side!"
--"Congrats on your pregnan...oops, nevermind." --Peter
Mazz: "Didn't your mother teach you anything?! If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?! WOULD YOU? HUH?"
Julian: "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe. If it was a nice day and a good bridge."
--Julian: "You kick ass professionally, Andy?"
Andy: "It's who I am. It's what I do."
--"Kasey goes in to ask directions and a black dude overhears his plea for directions. The black dude is like, 'Ah, hey, I know where y'all tryin' ta go, ai', ai'. Come outside and I' hook you up with some directions'...as he bought himself a can of Colt .44." --Amante
--Amante: "So after Appleseed Cast starts setting up, Chris, the lead singer, comes out IN FULL FUCKING LUMBERJACK MODE."
Me; "He lopped off some front-row heads with an axe!"
Amante: "I would have paid double-admission to see that sort of action!"
--Tyler: "I collect Canadian money."
Me: "That Canadian whore of yours doesn't accept American money, huh?"
Tyler: "Heh heh...'Sucky, sucky, eh?'"
--Customer: "Staying out of this hurricane, huh?"
Me: "Actually, I was thinking of driving right into the heart of it."
Tyler: "Me, too! Only I can't drive. I'll walk. I'll walk into the heart of the hurricane."
--"So last night, I'm reading, when Em comes in my room (at about 1 A.M.) and says, 'Um, there's a couch on fire in our dumpster.' I'm like, 'What the hell?' And she's like, 'Yeah. It's not, like, burning that much, but should we call the fire department?' I don't know, so I go to look. When we get back down, Em's like, 'Woah, the fire's getting bigger.' There's a car parked right in front of the dumpster and a house right next to it. The couch is perched on two sides and a corner of it. Flames are leaping a couple feet higher than the couch back. We call the fire department. Right after we do this, two random guys take a fire extinguisher to it, and put it out, but hack from smoke (men must do everything themselves, sigh). Later, the fire department comes and blasts the smoldering couch with water and pokes it with sticks. Crisis averted." --Erica's Apartment Chronicles
--Me: "Never trust anything George Clooney directed."
John: "But! That's the one I liked. :("
--John: "Oh, the number of times I've fucked the vacuum cleaner."
Me: "*eyes widen*"
John: "WAIT! That's NOT a new sig! Don't you dare!"
--Me: "I had to clean the bathroom the other day...and it sucked! Bet you didn't see that one coming!"
John: "Didn't."
--Tyler: "You smell nice."
Me: "Um. Thanks."
Tyler: "Hey, don't get all excited, now."
--"Hey, it could be worse. It could cost money to sit around and study. Oh, wait..." --Christy
--*after Mariah Carrey's 'Honey' video passes without comment*
Me: "You enjoyed that. I can tell."
Nathan: *almost maintaining a straight face* "Don't start with me."
--"You should give your kid a really dull first name, but an interesting middle name, so that when people finally find out, they find them more interesting than they originally thought." --Phil
--"I will just continue to hint loudly, no worries." --Andy
--"YO! M.F.! I got shot 11 times! I am 75 Cent!" --osfr
--"*runs to the store, literally runs*" --Racheal
--Selro: "My all-time favorite cereal is Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious."
Adam: "Your mom is magically delicious."
Selro: "I've been told so."
--"I bought the store brand Fruity Pebbles, they're called Fruit Crisp. They got completely soggy in about 30 seconds. I was pissed off, to say the least, not to mention I really let down Fred and Barney." --Larry
--"In my version of Heaven, every morning begins with a big ice cream bucket-sized bowl of Fruity Pebbles." --Hoigaard
--"He looks like a date-rapist." --M
--"Consider it considered." --Phil
--"Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough." --Dara
--"It's like you can't wear the right pair of fucking shoes for you people!" --Jason K.
--Eli: *to Jason K.* "Do me, Jason, do me!"
Jason: "I wonder why I never hear that."
--"That's such a guilty pleasure of mine. I like it when extremely arrogant people fall into a big wedding cake, I just can't help it." --Wout
--"I thought the scene in which they beat up the copy machine was great. I think they should make a series out of that! With various household items! Could you imagine how funny it would be if they beat up a BOOKSHELF?" --Wout, on Office Space
--"Can you imagine me saying that on the phone? Me, neither." --John
--"And then we were in Europe for three weeks. I watched a couple of ducks fighting in a park. Actually, that was Canada." --Georgia Hubley
--Wout: "I really think I'm going to change, starting next year, when in college and such. I'm planning on becoming a real asshole. A nice one."
Me: "The best kind."
Wout: "Even better than a very nice one?"
Me: "Yep."
Wout: "Well, in that case, I'll be a very nice one."
Me: "Jerk."
Wout: "You know, that's what a real asshole would do."
Me: "You're such an asshole."
Wout: "Well, just SAY it! You think I'm an asshole, right!? You just don't have the GUTS to say it!"
Me: "What? What gave you that impression?!"
Wout: "'You're such an asshole.'Now, admit it!"
Me: "I NEVER said that! You edited it so it looked like I did! You asshole!"
Wout: "WHAT?! Did I ever say you said that?"
Me: "WHAT?"
Wout: "I NEVER said that!"
Me: "You're ALWAYS saying I said that!"
Wout: "!"
Me: "?"
Wout: "YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT."
Me: "You've never told me so before."
Wout: "How do you mean, 'told me'?"
Me: "I mean you never hit me in the face with your knuckles like that in quite that way before."
Wout: "Knuckles? What are you TALKING about?! *looks at hands* AAAHHHHHHHH! KNUCKLES!"
Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Wout: "Get them off of me!"
Me: "RUN!"
Wout: "GET THEM OFF!"
Me: "I mean--WHEEL! WHEEL FAST!"
Wout: "GET RUSHED BY AN OLD LADY!"
--Fan Question: "What effect does being married to a band member have on the experience?"
Ira Kaplan: "It makes it totally awesome."
--"Play it loud, but don't let the first shriek scare you." --a webmaster, on some MP3
--"I got played like a broken record." --Aleesha
--"Steve and Lynda are out of town, so I'm goofing off. I'm going to lunch in a bit. I'm not clocking out. And I'm gonna drink alcohol, too." --Dad
--Dad: "How's the river looking? Or are you not that close to it?"
Me: "We're not close to the river."
Dad: "Bummer...no scenic view."
--Dad: "I loved it when hurricanes came in. The power is incredible."
Me: "It's interesting to listen to, but not worth the pani. c."
Dad: "I hear ya'...pani. c."
--Me: "They said on the news last night that we don't need to expect quite as much flooding or...TORNADIC activity. I screamed, in your place."
Dad: "Ha! You remember...I'm so touched. In the head."
--"Man, I'd be all about bending a stuffed animal backward over my knee for an exotic bedroom musical kiss." --John
--"Hurricane Fabian: Gayest Hurricane Ever. Seriously, can't they think up some better names? Like Hurricane FUCKSHITUP." --Jill
--"Stephy Gone Wild." --Nathan
--Me: "Was that thunder?"
Nathan: "I don't know, I didn't hear anything."
Me: "Do what?"
Nathan: "I don't know, I didn't hear anything."
Me: "I'm sorry...what?"
Nathan: "I don't know, I didn't hear anything. I SAID, I DON'T KNOW! I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
*he pauses for breath and we both start laughing*
--Nathan: "What's up, Stephy?"
Me: "Nothin'. Working on my quotes page--oh, sorry!--You have something in your pocket?"
Nathan: "Heh heh...no."
*long pause*
Me: "Maybe I should put that on my quotes page."
--"H4r h4r." --Jill
--"One of the best b-sides ever recorded by any band." --Someone at greenplastic.com, on Radiohead's "Talk Show Host"
--"Yeah, yeah. Dumb idea. Leaves falling remind me of spring and summer, too." --John
--"Does it have anything to do with shoes? No. Then go away." --Kelly
--*bump*
Me: "Aw, sorry."
Nathan: *pretending to cry* "Oh, my god, you hit me, why'd you hit me, ow, you hit me, fuck, you fucking hit me, owwwwwww...*fakes some sobs, throws some books across the room, suddenly starts laughing*
--"You cost me about 6.80 Euros at the post office. The office clerk looked at me like everything would be okay." --Wout
--"My door is always open. Well, not really. But just knock and I'll let you right in." --Sarah
--"I don't even care about football. Actually, I hate it. But I totally touched his hand." --Jill
--Wout: "I watched Pleasantville for the third time."
Me: "That was a sweet little movie."
Wout: "Yeah. It doesn't make sense, though. It's meant to be a happy story, but, you know, they were happy before those two kids jumped into the television."
Me: "Dammit!"
Wout: "Okay, afterward, they were happy again. But! Since everything changed into like, the 'real' world, AIDS could ensue ANY MINUTE! What about THAT?!"
Me: "That'd make a great Pleasantville II--Pleasantville II: Bad Blood."
Wout: "Absolutely."
Me: "What about how the sister just stays there? What the fuck?"
Wout: "Yes!"
Me: "What about their mom? Won't their mom care?"
Wout: "Exactly!"
Me: "I'd care, if it were my family."
Wout: "What about! Bud's mom?!"
Me: "Yeah!"
Wout: "Who's she gonna choose?! One of those two guys is gonna be unhappy for the rest of his life."
Me: "Yeah! Dammit, you're right!"
Wout: "Plus, AIDS!"
Me: "Maybe..the one she doesn't choose...could become infected! Yea!"
Wout: "YEA! *raises fist* And the basketball team! They NEVER win!"
Me: "They suck! Line for the sequel: 'How pleasant is it to suck?' And the boys don't know what to do, because they don't fight, so everyone laughs at them. Then...oh, then! Then, they find the AIDs-infected loser on the street and take their anger out on him! Happy ending for everyone!"
Wout: "And will we ever hear again about that one guy? The popular one that stands by the front door and says, 'Bitch'? You know, the guy she had a date with?"
Me: "Hmm...yeah. Maybe--!"
Wout: "He'll get AIDS, right?"
Me: *at the same time* "He could become a lover of the homeless AIDS man...Yes! Exactly! And then! When he finds out he, too, is positive, he's angry...very angry...and dumps the guy, too! MAN, is that guy a loser!"
Wout: "And he takes it on to the BASKETBALL TEAM! PERFECT."
Me: "I think that about wraps matters up. We have a blockbuster on our hands."
Wout: "Yeah, Pleasantville II: Bad Blood sounds great. I'm going to dream about that one."
--"Man, I LOVE saying that! Actually, I've never said that before." --Wout
--"Quick, your email address! Quick, your microwave oven!" --Wout
--"*wheels away into darkness; turns on light*" --Wout
--"Remember that time I wasn't in a wheelchair?" --Wout
--Wout: "I'm kinda attached to this wheelchair."
Me: "Did you name it?"
Wout: "I'll call it Fluffy. Fluffy, the spinning wheelchair. Because it DOES spin."
Me: "You could breakdance in that thing!"
Wout: "Yeah, I've been thinking of doing that."
--Wout: "Hey, what can an old man in a wheelchair do, other than sharing great stories?"
Me: "Dare I ask?"
Wout: "Well, the answer would be...asking rhetorical questions, yet answering them himself. And drinking orange-yuzu juice (still popular!)."
Me: "Oh, man! The other day, this guy came into the store, one of my coworker's boyfriends. He's usually really out of it. We have absolutely no fruit in the store, and he came up after wandering around for about five minutes, and asked if we didn't carry yuzus."
Wout: "NO!"
Me: "I was like...dude! He was like...'So...do you?'"
Wout: "NOT. POSSIBLE."
Me: "I was like...dude!"
Wout: "What was HE like?"
Me: "He was like, 'So...you don't, then?' His girlfriend walked up behind him and said, 'What are you talking about, you idiot?' and he said, 'I want some yuzus!'"
Wout: "I like where this story is going."
Me: "The girlfriend said, 'What the fuck are yuzus?' And he said, 'You know, yuzus! The Japanese fruit!' And they walked outside--"
Wout: "--Don't ever let this story end--"
Me: "--To smoke and discuss yuzus. The unend."
Wout: "That's the best story to ever take place in a store."
--"When I was a kid and went on trips, I liked to go into the hotel room's bathroom and flush the sanitized band down the toilet." --Peter
--"Well, yeah, in my head, where it counts." --John
--"I hit my head, now I'm left-handed." --Jason
--"Why did I tape the 'Behind the Music' for 1972? That's one of the years I care least about in, like...the history of the world." --Nathan
--Nathan: "It's Robert Christgau! It's the man!"
Me: "Haw haw. He had a threesome with the Kaplans."
Nathan: "Heh heh, Robert Christgau...probably."
--"'He violated the law of stupidity if nothing else,' District Attorney Bill Hill said." --AP Article on Charles McKinley, the man who shipped himself home in a box Naturally, anyone named William Hill who goes by Bill has a lot of room to talk about stupidity.
--"They've claimed they're going to start charging for AIM, like, five hundred times, and I still have access to ALL of my 26 screennames." --Jason
--"Your buddy list must be full of morons." --Grant
--"Dude, at 3 A.M., you should be in bed, masturbating. Or sleeping." --Mark
--"I look like David Hyde-Pierce?! *punches own lights out*" --Grant
--"Please. What does this so-called 'hostility' have to do with me being a terrorist, anyway?" --Jason
--"George W. Bush, Male Prostitute." --Walter
--"If you're hostile and you know it, clap your hands..." --Madison
--"I dig redheads. And hummers. And redheads who give me hummers. Which is a lot less than 2% of the world's population." --David
--"You have some seriously fucked-up friends and I only live an hour away. I can't wait to get a car." --Adam
--"If you masturbate, does that make you emo? 'Cause then here I am just getting into a big emo phase again." --Grishnachk
--"You're emo if you cry when you touch yourself." --Jessica
--"Ah, good, you have put my faith back in males. Now, back on topic, how often do you masturbate?" --Ali
--"Masturbation is a good thing. I would do it less if I had a girl here to do it for me when I wanted. That's why I never miss an episode of 'I Dream Jeannie.'" --David
--"Katie mentioned she doesn't like crying kids. I wonder who she sounds like to me..." --Mom
:^P
--"Do you realize how happy that makes me? That's happiness going straight down the leg!" --Jason
--"The sunsets make me wanna...WANNA DO DIRTY THINGS!" --Jason
--"We'll go out for lunch and hookers. It will be great!" --Jason
--"I kinda miss living in a dorm. But living at home is just as cool, right? 'Cause I get a curfew! And I can't do anything I want to do! LIVING AT HOME RULEZ!" --Jill
--"Me. Do. Laundry. Now." --Jason
--"I'm here in my lovely apartment...just not here at my computer. Don't worry, this apartment is tiny, so I'm only seconds away from your message." --Lauren's away message
--"Your dad for some strange reason is coming to my house on my birthday. Please tell me why." --Lacy
--"They subtract a maintenance fee from MY cut. Supposed to cover equipment, usage, and breakage. Ya' know, I never used to break things UNTIL they started charging us that. So NOW I break the most expensive plates, throw away utensils, lose banquet items...hate to see that charge go to waste!" --Tom
--TB: "You should bone him as hard as possible...and many times."
Taylor: "I did bone him...hard...many times...right, Andy?"
Andy: "Boned I was."
--Me: "You...like Green Day?"
Peter: "Noooooooo."
--"Oh, my Tori! Oh! My! Tori!" --John
--"Pshaw. Different than tshaw." --Erica
--"It's so good, it makes me want to break someone's face." --Nathan
--"Ever talk to random people online...and, like, three minutes into the conversation, they say something really inappropriate, like, 'Maybe I'll get a chance to come up and visit or something,' and then you're like...IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE...Does that happen to anyone else?" --Matt
--"Hmm, people like that are either me or a horny old guy. Just kidding. It's just a horny old guy." --Jason G.
--"Ha, that's funny. Speaking of funny, I got dumped today." --Taylor
--"Are you serious? If so...I'm very sorry. If not...it's not cool to play with my emotions like that." --Matt
--Sean: "Hey, I'm going to come over to your house and then we can have a party."
Jason G.: "Okay, bring beer. No, wait, I have beer behind me, you bring women."
--"Heh. You're ambitious." --Peter
--"*gets slightly man-giddy*" --Jason
--Angela: "Did you see that woman's face? That woman had a huge face."
Ken: "Makes an easier target."
--"Do you remember that stupid commercial about Wachovia and First Union Bank merging? They were like, 'Do you have to change the name of your pie...just because you change the ingredients?' It's like, you're not talking about pie, man, you're talking about my money...which is really more like cheddar." --customer, at random
--Paige: *as regular leaves* "I'm sorry that he's deaf, but, man, is that guy a jerk!"
Ken: "Paige, are you making fun of the physically handicapped again?"
Me: "Again?"
Ken: "Yeah, the other night, Paige said--"
Paige: "Ken! Don't tell Stephanie about that!"
*pause*
Me: "What happened the other night?"
*pause*Me: "No, really, what was it?"
Ken: "Oh...we were just talking about fisting the other night." *walks away casually*
--"Nice. Classy. WRONG." --Jason
--"I'm taking a class called Women's Narratives and Space. I have no clue what this class is. And ENGL 351. What the hell is ENG 351?" --Erica
--Grant: "Let's play Scrabble. RIGHT HERE AND NOW."
Andy: "I am at work, Veakface. I'm busy working! Uh...*minimizes .org"
Grant: "Don't you dare minimize me! You're fired!"
Andy: "You can't fire me!"
Amy: "No, but I can. You're fired!"
Andy: "You can fire me?"
Grant: "Yes."
--"I'd say I have boyish good looks...maybe...if you're drunk." --Robert
--"A little skin cancer never killed anyone, right?" --Sara
--"Secret really IS strong enough for a man." --Don
--"I have been B-U-S-Y. Like a two-dollar whore. With all her teeth. It sucks." --Emania
--"I just remembered...I missed Humpday, didn't I?" --Leann
--"Someone referred to me today as 'cute in my own way.' What in the flaming hell is that? Cute in my own way. Isn't that another way of saying, 'I think Lorie is kinda oogly'?" --Lorie
--"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to stare at some pictures of a sexy Fred Astaire before I go to work." --Tom
--"Well, it was...I wanna say...stupid?" --John
--"Don't miss this: Better. Strong. Faster...AOL for broadband." --AOL ad
--"Steph!--The incredible story of a Florida/Colorado/Indiana girl who rose from humble origins to become the first assistant manager of a Wilmington, North Carolina, convenience store. Guaranteed to pull at your heartstrings! Thrills! Spills! Car chases! Car crashes! Explosions! Websurfing! Chatting! People buying stuff! With Nathan Phillips as Torgo, the boyfriend whose love for her sustained her in her hour of need." --Peter Aah! He's the best!
--"I never want to hear James Taylor's voice again, no matter what it's singing." --Nathan
--"My first memory of being attracted to a girl was in kindergarten, when I liked her so much, I made my parents buy me clothes just like she had. I am not making this up. Please, make fun of me." --Nathan
--"They're like, 'The moooooooooon [synth hit] is shining in the sky.'" --Nathan, on "But Not Tonight"
--"I was thinking something more disgusting. Let's move on." --John
--Me: ":K^)"
John: "Wow, love it."
--John: "John and Keith will bond."
Me: "Male bonding. *snickers* Just kidding...stupid joke, though."
John: "No, no...yes, yes...stupid."
--"Can I call you that? Oh, I just did." --John
--"You might as well just tell me. I haven't got all minute." --John
--"My favorite word, not just for vagina, but my favorite word, altogether, is cunt. Say it! Cunt! I just love how it flies out of my mouth and somehow still shocks people." --Kristen One of my least favorite words, but she has a point.
--"I was outside...which blew." --Tom
--"See, how can I be such an asshole at work, if I have my own theme song?" --Tom
--"Sad, but true: I had a dream I was on the .org. That's about the time I stopped coming here so much." --Adam
--"As for sex--three hours a day, five days a week, it's all I ask. I have a lot of catching up to do." --Tom
---Alice: "Three hours a day, five days a week? Pshaw! I could do that with both hands tied! Umm...wait...nevermind, don't want to give all my secrets away."
Tom: "Glad to see you'd be happy with the 'ties that bind.'"
--"Zoe is wearing a shirt right now that says 'STUPID' on it and has a hand pointing to her. It's hott." --Jill
--"I'm sure I'll be reading all about Racists against Homophobia, the organization that argues homophobes are wrongfully ignoring the real enemy...those dirty Negroes!" --Nathan
--"After all, self-awareness is the first key to enlightenment. Probably." --Nathan
--"When your mom gets mad at you for using too much profanity and comments that she doesn't want the neighbors hearing, the thing NOT to do is to turn around and start screaming, 'FUCK YOU!' out the open window at passing cars and the world in general." --Adam
--"Do you think Ben would like getting shot? No, he would cry like a bitch, just like you and me." --Sean
--"What is so funny? Let me rephrase. What is so fucking funny?" --John
--"Crime! Yay!" --John
--Question: "If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?"
Nathan: "Huh huh...huh..."
--"I spent an insanely long time on that outgoing message. I was PROUD of that outgoing message. I called the house from a cellphone to HEAR that outgoing message I spent so much time on." --Sarah
--"A thousand apologies minus one. Always save an apology for later." --John
--"PJ Harvey...that sounds like a restaurant chain." --Peter
--Me: "Don...Don? Why did I just say that?"
John: "*changes name to Don*"
--Me: "First...we have to discuss...Canadian fishing."
John: "Trout?"
Me: "Why...yes, trout!"
John: "Or Bass?"
Me: "Both!"
John: "You first!"
Me: "Trout."
John: "Bass...The end."
Me: "Take a good long look at that word. That one word summarizes millions of things."
John: "Oh?"
Me: "Things I will discuss now. Trout is taken from the ancient Hebrew word bitchslap, which means to awaken. Over the centuries, trout have been an important part of human civilization, yet, outside of that civilization. In this, trout are unique. As unique as birds, deer, oxen..."
John: "This is Small Town-worthy, is it off the cuff?" And that explains that.
--"There are a few individuals who are less sane than those of us who are 'fairly sane.' Ya' know?" --The Other Laura
--"I've never killed anyone, if that's what you're implying." --Phil
--"Hello...I don't care!" --Jill
--"Well, Miss Alice, I would say that you look remarkably like a whole lotta Lawd Have Mercy wrapped in a little of Thank You Jesus." --ID
--"Turns out West Virginia is extremely boring. Who woulda thunk it?" --Jill
--"*ZipDaze fucks BenFoldsGolf* Feel free to publish that." --John
--"Everyone has their own level of jizzability, for lack of a funnier word." --John
--"When I was seventeen, my friend's dad gave me a Bud. It sucked." --John
--"Do you sell the magazine I bought earlier?" --John
--"Boy, do I feel one year older." --Peter Going through my inbox dating back to early '99, I found some gems. Most of what follows are those, plus some recent things mixed in. You know which is which. Or maybe you don't. But you honestly don't care.
--"The human world...how interesting...no, I'm serious...okay, so I was lying." --Josiah
--"What am I getting at? Hold on, I'll get there soon!" --Josiah
--"I have a question...WHAT IN THE NAME OF (insert deity here) IS A GOTH? I HATE THAT WORD!" --Josiah
--"I knew a kid in high school...we'll call him Todd Server..." --Josiah
--"You know, there have been video games around for some time, and I have yet to see a kid try biting his fellow classmate to see if he'd explode just to watch his eyeballs float back to home base." --Josiah
--"I would like to point out that my music is violent and morbid because I LIKE IT THAT WAY!" --Josiah
--"'German techno'? Who the hell pulled that term out of their ass?" --Josiah
--"Maybe I'm having the male version of a period...as if that's ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!" --Peter
--"Airplane was on TNT recently, along with the sequel. But that's not important, now." --Peter
--"Nathan and Brendan have returned. It's like old home week." --Peter
--"Guys like that will probably lose interest the minute they find out that you're a brain...Did that sound offensive?" --Peter
--"You should try to extort stuff from your parents for this." --Peter
--"What does % have to do with Kool-Aid?" --Peter
--"You have a mischievous streak, the same one that uses fake names and makes up fake books, and causes you to yell in a crowd." --Peter Ha, I'd forgotten about that stuff.
--"If I didn't know any better (I never do), I would swear that you enjoy the music of Garbage. Anyway, back to my main point, which is--don't trust anyone who works for the government. Now, I currently work for the government, but you can trust me when I tell you not to trust anyone who works for the government. It's a vicious circle, Mrs. Parker. I am amazed at the stupidity and waste of time and money that goes on. Just my advice to you." --Kevin
--"I am out of important things to say, now." --Kevin
--"For this Fourth of July, I moved. Wow. I no longer live in southern California, but now I live in northern Idaho. On the Fourth, the entire neighborhood has BBQ's and backyard parties. I wandered from backyard to backyard." --Timmy
--"I said, 'Fuck!' (that's what I always say) and wrote my own." --Nathan
--"What do you do when you're alone? (Only an idiot would mention masturbation here.)" --Nathan
--"I thought the Cookie Sheet Monster had gotten you." --Nathan
--"This mosquito's eating me alive, I swear to God. So...how are you?" --Nathan
--"Stud, haha." --Nathan
--"I don't know who Judith Light is, and what's more, I don't want to know." --Peter
--"'A while back, when I was touring with N'Sync, I fell onstage...how embarrassing!'" --Cat
--"Um, was that a dream description?" --Peter
--"What was that about lasagna?" --Peter
--"STEPH! Is your Messenger working? Mine is being GAY! I love you! --Nathan" --Nathan
--"How come we never mail each other on a regular basis? We'll do it a couple of times and then it stops (don't think like that!)." --Brendan
--"Of all the things I wasn't expecting in my mailbow, I guess this would be the one I wanted." --Robert
--*on 08 February 2000* "Of course, I could have just gone home and read your last message, which was dated 05 November. I guess your St. Katherine's Day holiday was a bit longer this year." --Robert
--"Now, I'm getting money I don't have to give back. Which is weird." --Robert
--"I'm only half-serious, so don't worry." --Robert
--"Yes, it may actually be that simple." --Robert
--"We've just had that show here. Lisa Wilhoit's cute, the show's cliché and the adults act like hormonal morons. No, wait, that's impossible, none of them can act." --Robert
--"I no like Gwyneth Paltrow." --Robert
--"Hey...HEY! Just kidding!" --Brendan
--"Aren't economics fun?" --Robert
--"Sometimes, even I think I think too much." --Robert
--"Have a nice, uncomplicated life." --Robert
--"The other day, I was thinking about emailing you, and then I got your email and decided it must be a sign. No, not really, it was probably just a coincidence." --Christy
--"Well, I could bore you with the superfluous details of my life, but I'll make you wait for the autobiography." --Christy
--"I saw Mr. Coudret over Thanksgiving and he's still the same. He has this class of really bad kids that he wants me to come in and "counsel" next semester. I'm sorry, but I didn't realize that graduating qualified me as a motivational speaker." --Lauren
--"College is a breeze, once you realize you are smarter than everyone else in the class." --Josiah
--"Here are some other titles for my future autobiography: Making It up As I Go Along: Life in College
Things I Swore I'd Never Do: My Dating Experience with Louis
Failing Math and Loving It
The Power of Cappuccino and Other Important Discoveries
Tell Me Again Why I'm Paying for This?: Reexamining the Point of Education
Plan B: My Stint As a Carnie with Barnum and Bailey" --Christy
--"So you've been living without cable? AAAAAGH! Actually, I also have been without cable." --Peter
--"I seriously thought he was going to fail me, because I constantly complained about how much I hated the class--during the class--while he was in the room." --Lauren
--"One more spoiled brat rich bitch here won't make any difference." --Peter, on Princeton
--"Did you hear about Michael Bloomberg? His daughter, who just graduated from guess-where, wants a job in the city government, even though there's a no-nepotism rule. She apparently thinks it applies only to ordinary mortals." --Peter
--"Hi, shweetheart. Let's talk about the black boid. (Bogart imitation.)" --Peter
--"I have emailed Caroline several times and got no answer. I also recently wrote Jonathan and Mary, but heard nothing. Something strange is happening. In another dimension. A dimension of sight and of sound and of the mind." --Peter
--"When I think of the impact it has had on me, I'm speechless (which is not unusual)." --Peter
--"You got AOHELL? What's your screenname, BEEOTCH? Love you!" --Christine
--"So glad to hear from my little cupcake of mensa, again." --Tom
--"Emily and I are trying to find out when Mr. Coudret's wedding is. We're sure that if we ask him, he'll invite us. I mean, come on, he's such a softy and he'd feel bad, if he didn't." --Lauren
--"I can't believe he isn't marrying Ms. Keith. I'm sure she'll be crushed." --Lauren
--"Hearing from you is like finding spare change in the sofa." --Tom
--"Make sure you clue me in to your next visit in town. You, me, and Heather will get together and...babysit her kids!" --Tom
--"I don't want to hear about how you're going to hate college. You're going to love it, I promise. Or at least like it." --Peter
--"You go, girlfriend." --Peter
--"I'll talk to you later...WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?" --Christine
--"If Princeton keeps on raising my salary, I can be persuaded to forget about UVA altogether. Which proves that my loyalty can be bought. I feel like such a whore." --Peter
--"Hey, QUIT BOTHERING ME, BITCH...NO, I is only fooling." --Christine
--"ERM! THAT'S THREE QUESTIONS, HOE! Anyway, hope I could help." --Christine
--"Overheard snatch of conversation (which I guarantee you will never hear at UNCW): 'My dad's a member of the country club where they have the US Open.'" --Peter
--"Do guys hit on you? If they did, just spill something in their lap." --Peter
--"Britney's stuff is bubble gum. Literally. I once saw bubble gum with her name on it in a store." --Peter
--"'Faves'--I don't believe I said that." --Peter
--"Did you mean 'love' by 'international language'? I thought that was money." --Josiah
--"That's the lamest excuse ever!" --Peter
--"YOU'VE BEEN SPYING ON ME! Sorry." --Peter
--"Tell Nathan he's a lucky bastard." --Peter
--"Well, write back, but just make sure that the goddamn pen isn't blue." --Amy
--"Maybe I should forget it all and become a hermit." --Peter
--"'See, it's called "The Constitution of the United States." And right here is where it explains why your unelected, inbred, crack-addicted Nazi ass oughtta be impeached.'" --Peter
--"Another bad week, um, I mean two weeks, huh?" --Peter
--"You got a new computer? What kind? Does it have audio? A printer? A scanner? Access to the Pentagon system?" --Peter
--"Our uberchildren would rule this world by now!" --Tom
--"I wonder if anyone's written a thesis yet on the art of AIM writing. There's talking, there's action, there's singing. It is an art, I tell you." --John
--John: "*winks* By the way, I went, '*winks*' because I'm too lazy to type ';)'."
Me: "Works for me."
John: "Knew it would."
--"Parmesian cheese smells like vomit. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather smell vomit." --Josiah
--"The first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning is, 'Damn, the inside of my mouth tastes like raw sewage.' No, I have never tasted raw sewage; I like to cook mine, first." --Josiah
--"The number of rings before I answer the phone is inversely proportional to how awake I am." --Josiah
--"I sleep with a stuffed animal sometimes. Anyone got a problem with that?" --Josiah
--"Is the glass half-empty or half-full? As long as I get free refills, I don't care." --Tom
--"Stephanie is one of the most stable people I know. Seriously." --Josiah Hahahah!
--"I'm going to make myself over. I'm going to be so cool. Coooool." --Sarah
--Me: "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude...and this is very embarrrassing, but...who are you?"
Josiah: "I am Josiah...remember me?"
--"Eh, I just like your funny story. But that really happened. But it was funny." --John
--"I was almost taken out by a pecan." --Monique
--"You...morning person." --Peter
--Peter: "I'd be transferring books to a storage facility."
Me: "I imagine a tunnel, deep under Princeton...you and the other workers hauling large loads on your back...a man with a whip...Mr. Princeton, you're told to call him..."
Peter: "I won't actually be going there."
*long pause*
Peter: ";)"
--"My grandma once smoked catnip and I had a friend who smoked a banana peel. Had another friend who snorted a line of clay dust in my high school ceramics class. They were winners, let me tell you." --Taylor
--"Isn't it kind of freaky that your GRANDMA smoked catnip? I mean, that'd be like the equivalent of my grandma jumping on her table and reciting the rules of Fight Club." --Phoebe
--"My friend snorted hot cocoa mix and it made his eyes bloodshot and his nose bleed. Should I have called 911?" --Kyle
--Me: "My favorite color is cerulean blue. 'Cerulean blue is a gentle breeze...ceruuuulean bluuue is a genntle breeeze...'"
Robert: "Let's consider the advantages of aquamarine, though."
--"I sleep with a stuffed animal only if it's been fed." --Robert
--"What is my zodiac sign? Was that supposed to sound like a threat?" --Robert
--Question: "Do you eat the stems of broccoli?"
Robert: "That is too horrible to contemplate."
--"If I could dye my hair, I would dye it black, to match my hair." --Robert
--"Is the glass half-empty or half-full? If you can prove, philisophically, that there is a glass, I might answer..." --Robert
--"Do I type with my fingers on the correct keys? Considering the rumors that I can't spell, probably not." --Robert
--Me: "Where were you actually born?"
John: "In the hospital of no accents (but almost on the elevator)."
--"Me? Drive fast? Surely you jest." --Christy
--"I don't sleep with stuffed animals. They kept crawling out of bed during the night...so I took the hint." --Christy
--"Can I get an, 'AMEN!' in the house of Internet?" --Amante
--Me: "In tenth grade, I had almost made up my mind to dye my hair a kind of reddish copper color. Instead, it remains Dull Brown (#75838234523513513 Revlon, in case you're wondering)."
Amante: "Wow. Are you sure you don't wanna try #75838234523513514?"
--"Thinking occasionally hurts my head, but it's better than watching sports." --Amante
--Me: "I don't think my sister checks her email much, these days. She's too busy winning all those Thong Thursday contests."
Amante: "Umm...no."
--"She's too normal." --Peter, dismissing a potential date
--"I get a haircut and chicks like it. I don't, though." --Peter
--"Still smell spaghetti?" --Peter
--"Church was great last night. I guess because for once it only lasted 30 minutes. No, I'm kidding." --Lacy
--"Happy 4th of July. By the way, I've had it already and it isn't so bad." --Robert
--"You haven't experienced bad music until you've heard New Zealand rock music." --Robert
--"You think your life is a joke? I've known Josiah for almost a year, now, and I am STILL speaking to him." --Cathy
--"If someone from the band would just explain Tommy to me, I'd leave them alone. Even the dead ones." --Scruff
--"The people in Snoqualmie, the real life Twin Peaks, hated it. And the diner stopped serving apple pie to anyone calling themselves 'Agent Cooper.'" --Robert
--"I have a job. Damned near 80 hours a week, I have one. The other 88 hours, I have a hernia." --Scruff
--John: "A little self-esteem with your tea?"
Me: "Tea is too good for me."
--"NOW, GODDAMMIT, I WANNA SEE THAT ON SMALL TOWN!" --John, on the above quote
--"Ha, you miss cable." --Peter
--"*cheats, kicks Steph in the groin* SHE'S DOWN!" --John
--"The GM fired the guy playing bar manager over the phone. Trouble is, that would be Jim, his older brother. I told Jim to go tell his father on him." --Tom
--"Okay, so...standing in my kitchen, I noticed that one of the doughnuts in the box my mom had just brought home from the grocery was about 3/4 of th way eaten. I looked up at my mother and said, 'Hey, who honked a doughnut?' Yes, honked. I don't know where it came from. Let's start a new slang word. Honked now means stole, ganked, swiped." --Erica
--"Your job is repetitiveness? What if you get a promotion?" --John
--"Hey, John! How ya' doin', buddy? What's the good word? Keep the faith. You always do. *seconds later* Woah. John, buddy. What gives? You signed your own guestbook. Doing okay? I'll leave you alone now. *seconds later* Holy crap, you did it again. Aw, man, sorry, dude. Good luck with that. Gotta run. *seconds later* *smacks self in face*" --John
--"Oh, I better stop, now, lest you take me too seriously or, worse, not seriously enough. Hmm...no, too seriously, that would be worse. Yes, too seriously. Do not take me too seriously." --John
--"Kind of like when you can't help staring at an ugly person...it's like...'Wha'?'" --Vic
--"Chris Caraba of Dashboard Confessional is the best lyricist alive. Along with Ben Folds. I s'pose." --Molly Do I even need to explain this one?
--"I know where Josiah lives." --Scruff
--"Yes, I am, indeed, putting too much effort into this." --Scruff
--"I scream, '"FREEBIRD"!' no matter what concert I'm at. The Philharmonic doesn't appreciate that sort of thing. It did work, once. They wouldn't encore." --Scruff
--"Hey, punk, it's the American Way to do things the English Way. Don't you have any respect for the flag?" --Scruff
--"I had a great argument with the printer here over your last email." --Robert
--"I saw Signs. It's not as good as Sixth Sense. Come to think of it, it doesn't make sense most of the time. It's a nice movie, though." --Robert
--"You with a gun is a scary thought, Stephanie!" --Amante
--"Hey, Steph, thanks for the email. It made me chuckle, and if you being miserable and stressed out of your mind makes me chuckle, then it's all worth it, isn't it?" --Emily
--"Dear God, you're crazy." --Amante
--"Yahoo! is fucked-up." --Peter
--"I've decided not to get any older than twenty-one. Basically, I have a year to decide how to arrange that." --Christy
--"Looks like it's back to the old new version." --Peter
--Regular: "Brandy, take a less from Stephanie. See, Brandy? Stephanie's always happy."
Me: "I'm just pretending."
Regular: "See, Brandy? Stephanie's always pretending to be happy."
--"When I was in eighth grade, those dill pickles were really popular. Someone would bring one in and we'd pass it around and all take a bite off it--when the teacher wasn't looking, of course. The teacher would sniff and say, 'All right--WHO HAS THE PICKLE?' All of those other people are dead, now, but I shared a pickle with them!" --Little Old Lady (possibly drunk)
--Me: "You know how you can tell a teenage boy's voice, when you're on the phone? Wait...I guess you don't talk to teenage boys on the phone very often."
John: "Don't be so sure."
--"I have to admit something I have been denying for years: I can't drive." --Jill
--"Haha...a drunk cop." --Jill
--Grant: "YOU SLY DOG."
Drew: "I'm nothing if not a sly dog."
--Sara: "I've always wanted to kiss in the rain."
Daniel: "I've always wanted to run around naked in the rain...did I just say that out loud?"
Grant: "I've always wanted to be in a Ricky Martin music video."
--"Worst kiss ever (so far): Bench. Yuck boy. Leaned in and I had nowhere to go. Afterward, he asked me if it was nice...and, gosh darnit, I couldn't lie. 'Umm...I have to go to class, now.' I literally ran away." --NJ
--"I can drive, now. Finally given in to the temptation and learnt. Cars are okay, but oncoming trucks are a bit much. Not to mention the traffic." --Robert Hooray for late-blooming drivers!
--"Have a nice...you know." --Peter
--"That was 2002. It was not so much of a surprise, really, coming after 2001." --Robert, on New Year's Day
--"I had better go. This computer's trying to talk to me." --Robert
--"Write us more, DAMMIT!" --Tom
--"I can't believe this. Someone with too much time on his hands made a floor plan of the Morgendorffers' house." --Peter
--"Today, we had to edit each others' papers. It was painful, let me tell you. You think you are a decent, maybe even a skilled writer, and, then...DOWN comes the AXE." --Christy
--"In my creative writing class, someone wrote a story that was insanely confusing. Everyone thought it was about an acid trip. It wasn't. The author was this student that acts like a Unabomber. He never smiles or laughs and he only talks to say mean things about everyone's stories. When we discuss stories, he always says, 'The characters were poorly developed and the plot didn't hold my attention. Blah blah blah. I found it incredibly boring and overly simplistic. Blah blah blah.' *News Flash* WELCOME TO LIFE WITHOUT DRUGS, BUDDY!" --Christy
--"Ah, the restrictions of civilization! You can't just challenge people to a duel anymore, like in the good old days." --Christy
--"Sometimes, I don't know if I really want kids at all. Maybe when I'm thirty, I'll meet an older divorced man with a child or two. Then, I wouldn't feel obligated to reproduce. Maybe he'll be rich, too. I need to start working on that one. Where does a person go to meet older, rich men? I need to learn to caddy or something. I need to be a barmaid." --Christy
--"My first 25 years: Enlightening to the point of madness." --Josiah
--"Curse you, you made me join the evil AOL empire!" --Peter Here ends the inbox journey. Yeah.
--Me: "Will that be all for you tonight?"
Regular: "That and a pretty smile and I think I'll be ready to go."
Me: "Brandy'll have to help you in that department."
Brandy: "I swear, I've never seen anyone take a compliment and turn it around into an insult as quickly or as easily as you."
--Me: "We're out of trash bags. Didn't we just buy trash bags? We're out of trash bags."
Nathan: "Oh, my godz, don't get all stressed about it."
Me: "Maybe I want to get all stressed about it."
Nathan: "You're not the woman I married."
--Nathan: "Gore vacations on that one island, Rich Asshole Island."
Me: "Figure Eight Island?"
Nathan: "Yeah, you know why they call it Figure Eight Island?"
Me: "The people who own property there all have eight-figure salaries?"
Nathan: "Oh. I was just gonna say, 'I don't know.'"
--Peter: "So what are you doing to make sure you get that promotion?"
Me: "Practicing my technique?"
*long, long pause*
Me: "That was a joke."
Peter: "Oh."
--"I'm the death of the party." --Peter
--"God, I love you. (Feel free to publish that.)" --John
--Andy: "I don't make my Ramen as soup. I drain the water and eat them as flavored noodles."
David: "Me, too. The broth makes it nasty."
Mary: "I drain Ramen, too. It's too slippery with all that broth."
NJ: "I like the Ramen with the soup."
Andy: "How does it feel to be WRONG, NJ?"
--"Youth culture killed my dog." --Wout
--"Think of all the horrible drivers in the world who are able to get a license...there is no way to fail." --Alex
--"Be sure to have some Tic-Tacs, so your breath doesn't reek of booze, and make sure to lock the glove compartment with your stash in it." --Jason F.'s driving test tips
--"My old girlfriend failed her driving test because she took it in February. She had passed, but when they got back to the bureau and she went to park, she didn't brake and plowed into the snowbank. I laughed so hard, I almost cried, when she told me. She was a real bitch." --David
--"I had to do a maneuverability course for my driving test. Wasn't too bad. I'm pretty good at parallel parking, too. Ain't too bad, if you aah!...Dad flashback! 'USE YOUR MIRRORS!'" --David
--"You should go to one of those concerts, I mean, services." --Larry
--*Tyler walks in with headphones blaring around his neck*
Crystal: "'Bout time you got here."
Tyler: "What?"
Crystal: "I said, it's 'bout time you got here."
Tyler: "What?"
Me: "All that loud rock music is making him deaf."
Tyler: "What?"
--"I'd walk the world over for a piece of fried chicken right now." --Xavier
--"Fried potatoes are made by cutting a potato into cubes, putting it in a frying pan, and cooking, right? I sure hope so." --Astrid
--"Dear Object of My Lustful Desire: Dump your girlfriend. Love me. Now." --Leslie
--Jill: "Men, would it be possible for one/some/all of you to fall in love with me? That would be great. Thanks. <3"
Jason: "Jill, let's get married, so we can hump like the bears in your current mood are. That would make me happy in my shorts. <3"
Jill: "Yes. That's hott."
--"Violet, I hope your dejuicing is an incredibly painful experience. Don't forget the railroad spike. Hugs and kisses!" --Jason
--"Oreida, you discontinued my favorite kind of fries, Cinnastix. How could you? Those motherfuckers were excellent. Now, your company is going down. Love, Jill." --Jill
--"In defense of males...well, really, there's nothing I can say." --Matt
--Kate: "I feel violated."
Andy: "That's because you were violated."
--"Sometimes, my friend Tom and I sit in the apartment and just scream and yell as loud as we can. Today, I did it and began banging together some pots and pans. It's hilarious, because all activity in the apartment above us immediately ceases." --David
--Chester: "Trying yelling, 'I'm a fucking bitch, you! Wanna try me?!' You'll feel bloody fine..."
David: "Actually, we don't yell words. Once in a while, we yell, 'No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' It sounds hilarious, especially when yelling at top volume. Try it. It's worth it."
--"I used to pretend my friend Amy was my girlfriend and would scream at her in WalMart. It was the best when I was buying her flowers, one day, and she commented on my purchase, and I was like, 'Jesus Christ, you never stop nagging me. I buy you these fucking flowers and you still won't get off my back. When we get home, I swear to God, you're gonna pay.' Then, I grabbed my change and bags and stormed out, leaving Amy to deal with the frightened cashier. Then, we cracked up all the way home." --David
--"RAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!" --David, at random
--"Am I trying to make a point?" --Sarah
--"I'll be back Saturday night, if I don't die white water rafting." --Jill
--Lauren: "Hamsters are likely my least favorite domesticated rodent."
Adam: "Your mom is my least favorite domesticated rodent."
Lauren: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, DIS!"
--"If I had a woman in a cage, I might kind of like that. I mean, if she was there because she wanted to be, not because I had her locked in there in my basement behind a false wall with padding so sound couldn't escape and a surveillance camera honed in on...oops." --David
--"*Andrea stabs the thread multiple times* It slowly bleeds to death..." --Andrea
--Matt: "Way to pick up on the stereotypes of Catholicism, dumbass."
Vic: "Way to pick up on the fact that he is Catholic, dumbass."
--"Dave: 'Leeeeeeeeet's play WILL IT FLOAT?'
Allen: 'Today's mystery item is...a Catholic .orger!'
Paul: 'I think he'll sink, he is stubborn as a rock.'
Dave: 'Well, if he is a good Catholic, he will float so he can be closer to God.'
Dave: 'Drop him in!'
*crowd cheers*
Dave: 'Oh, no, the tank is too small! He can stand. Oh, well. We got to look at the Late Show Will It Float Girls.'" --Ben
--"Floggings will continue until morale improves." --Dray
--"The thought of going to your school makes me want to get a job in a circus or on a corner." --Angela B.
--"They're trying to put me in Basketball and Family Dynamics. Basketball sucks. Family Dynamics is that class in which you have to carry that fucking toy baby around everywhere as it cries for no goddamn reason. Fuck that." --Chaz
--Me: "Can I close some of these windows you have open?"
Nathan: "Yes, sorry. Sorry sometimes I open things. *I laugh* God, don't even talk to me. *goes back to reading*"
--Me: "Ahh, you're the greatest, Nathan."
Nathan: *still reading* "I don't want to talk to you. You make me cry."
--Mazz: "Jason, what would I do without you?"
Jason: "Mazz, you wouldn't say, 'Fuck off,' as much, I can guarantee."
--Mazz: "Aww. How sweet. I think I still hate you, though."
Jason: "Good. I'm glad we got that cleared up."
--Mazz: "Will you go out with me?"
Jason: "What's in it for me?"
--Leslie: "No one crushes on me. It's okay. I can deal. *pouts*"
John: "Nice pout. Did you get that on sale?"
Jason: I sold it to her. $3.50 and a box of crayons."
John: "You got taken."
Leslie: "I gave you Monopoly money, retard."
--"Don't make me smite you." --Jason
--"I'd analyze more, but I'm dead." --Jason
--"MOTHERFUCKER, I HATE MOTHERFUCKING SPIDERS. FUCK." --Andy
--"I would probably have freaked out at that point, Julian, and busted out the chainsaw. And when that didn't work, I would have gotten primal and found the biggest rock around. You see, when I get near bugs, all intelligence and sense of responsibility leaves me. I get very unpredictable and dangerous. *shudder* It's...it's taking...over!" --Andy
--"I was running around flailing my arms with my head in my shirt." --Andy
--Jonas: "I have a pet tarantula."
Andy: "I bet you didn't know that your pet tarantula wants you dead."
Julian: "Does my pet goldfish want me dead?"
Andy: "No. Why would a goldfish want you dead?"
Julian: "Just wanted to check."
--"Spiders are shifty motherfuckers." --Andy
--"Man, if I was there, I'd kick your bitchass. What is Spiderman, huh, Andy? WHAT IS HE?! He's a human-spider." --NJ
--Tom: "I tried to mail a package today and the post office wouldn't allow it. I used a Sam Adams Ale box. They said since 9/11, they can't allow that stuff to be sent...? I know Adams ran with an unruly crowd, but who would be afraid to accept a case of beer? He said, 'If you cover it with brown wrapping paper, it can go.' So listen up, TERRORISTS! BROWN WRAPPING PAPER! It fools the post office!"
Doug: "Just be glad you didn't try to use a box from a case of imported French beer."
--"I could live the rest of my life solely on Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Each morsel is like a piece of gold. This isn't cereal, it's what will ultimately bring our world together. GOD BLESS YOU, CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH." --Josh
--"Cinnamon Toast Crunch makes my pee smell. Smell like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But it's good. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch, that is." --Brian
--"I ate nothing but Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast for 10 years, straight, easy--except for when my mom forgot to pick up some more...those were tragic times..." --Ben
--"Cinnamon Toast Crunch imitates the original, but it makes it better by adding, like, ten pounds of sugar." --Vic
--"I want my Cinnamon Toast Crunch right now, dammit." --Boyce
--"That shows you how 'goth' I am." --Jessi
--"I like to hear messages from people I don't even know." --Andy
--"You are way too sane." --John
--NJ: "I'm a good kisser. I put a lot of effort into my kisses."
Julian: "But does enthusiasm equal goodness? I know some enthusiastic drummers who can't keep time, so you always get lost in the song, and when the bassist sucks, too, you have to make the guitar the rhythm instrument, which sucks again...what were we talking about?"
--"C'mon, m'lady...we can work around it. Wait, we can't. Fuck it, then." --David
--"Mark, the police have found a charred corpse with a small penis and no brain. Please, text me back and let me know you're okay." --Matt
--"First off, my assistant manager can go fuck herself with a railroad spike. *hands her a sledgehammer*" --Jason
--"Wait, did you just ask me if I get it?" --John
--"I'm not southern enough for a souped-up car. *considers crying, then goes back to eating his stale tortilla chips*" --Jason
--"That threatens me. Let's fence, you and I." --Andy
--"Okay, ladies, back off, there's enough Grant for everyone." --Grant
--"Andy vs. Michael in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH! Refereed by Steph!" --Andy
--"Awww, Annie, you can CRUSH me all you want. Here, I'll even cower beneath this tree!" --Andy
--Zach: "*swoons over [a different] Nathan*
That Nathan: "I've been swooned upon. *swoons back*"
--"Wooh! No one likes me!" --That Nathan
--Jason S.: "Sometimes, it's hard to be a woman / Giving all your love / To just one man...wait...forget I said anything."
Adam: "TOO MUCH 'RED DWARF.'"
--Dre: "Die, thread, DIE!"
Jeff: "I may be the only one to catch it, but that was Dre's subtle hint that I'm her .org crush."
--"I think Ben says, 'You should be paying ME, bitch!' Like he just got through with a hooker who's really bad at her job." --Grant
--"Wait, did it have Vin Diesel in it?" --Lacy
--Me: "At one part, a girl in the theater screamed for no apparent reason."
Lacy: "Was it you?"
Me: "You two have mastered the art."
Amante: "Of what? Being quickies?"
Me: "Of quickie-ing."
Amante: "Yeah. Ummmm, to correct that comment...no."
--Lacy: "So, uh, do you remember that one movie?"
Me: "That one!"
Lacy :"Yeah, that one."
Lacy: "You know, when I liked that one guy?"
Me: "Ohhh, yeah!"
Lacy: "He was real famous."
Me: "That one real famous guy you liked!"
Lacy :"Yeah, you know, what's his name!"
Me: "The guy! With the hair! And the eyes!"
Lacy :"Yeah, yeah, it was long in that movie."
Me: "That guy with the long hair!"
Lacy: "You member, it was when I liked that one group, you know, that song."
Me: "That one song!"
Lacy: "Yeah!...Okay, really, I watched The Man in the Iron Mask yesterday."
Me: "It all comes together..."
Lacy: "Yeah, it does."
Me: "What prompted you to watch it?"
Lacy: "It was on USA."
Me: "What on earth? USA...showing that...doesn't fit. Not in the line of movies that are compatible with 'Silk Stockings' and 'Pacific Blue.'"
Lacy: "No, those don't come on any more."
Me: "How sad."
Lacy :"It'll be okay."
Me: "The 90's are trailing in the dust."
Lacy: "Yeah, they don't show 'Baywatch' anymore, either. It's on TNN, now. :'("
Me: "Aww...'Baywatch'...my guiding light..."
Lacy: "I know, mine, too. Even my horses watch it. They were devastated when USA took it off."
--"But, Ryan...what about us?" --Phillip
--Brian: "I am Bean."
Kelly: "Brian, calling Orson Scott Card's house doesn't make you Bean, it just makes you a stalker."
Brian: "I've called people related to Ben..."
Kelly: "Is that supposed to be an objection to my calling you a stalker?"
--"Dig those winged teddies." --John
--"I love you, Adam...you know that." --Zach
--Another Laura: "I'm starting to get pissed off. Several of you have professed your love for me in private, but when it comes to your list...all my friends are up there, and where am I, huh?"
Adam: "I LOVE YOU, LAURA! There, is that better?"
Laura: "It helps. Would be better if it was unsolicited."
--"I have a crush on my ice-making machine. It never posts around here. It crushes ice." --Jerry
--"Your letterbomb's in the mail." --Laura
--Matthew K.: "Get lives...please."
Adam: "Shut up before I take yours. I've ALWAYS wanted to say that."
--Matthew K.: "I concur."
Daniel: "I occur."
Adam: "Do you, now?"
Kelly: "Did he, then?"
--"Damn you, Grant. Your kingdom shall fall." --Rory
--"I tend not to crush on letters on a page. Otherwise, I'd have marreid and divorced several hundred books, by now." --Phillip
--"Grant and I broke up when we separated for college. He is my favorite ex-boyfriend." --Zach
--"I love you, Andy." --Andy
--"I'm glad, Doug. I am." --Andy
--"See? I feel an ass-kicking coming on..." --Grant
--Grant: "Your ass is grass."
Bort: "I figured."
--Adam: "Aren't you vegan?"
Leia: "I was a strict one for a long time, but then I got hungry."
--"The sexual frustration level on this board rises and rises. It may be a messy explosion." --Phil M.
--"I've never met one person named Rusty that I liked. Then again, I've only met one person named Rusty. That guy sucks." --Sarah
--"You have to see the movie. He walks around drunk all the time and he's so dumb, he's lucky." --Lacy
--"You are the mango of my eye, buddyboy." --Jess
--Sean: "You actually had a friend named Dirk. That is so awesome."
Grant: "Yeah, and he's awesome. Big Ben fan. I mean, Ben Folds, not the London clocktower. Actually, I don't know his position on Big Ben...he may be a fan..."
--Grant: "'Tons' is plural. Notice the 's.' Just 'cause people always consider it to be single doesn't mean it is."
Wout: "Maybe, Grant, but 'tons of love' is an expression. I admit, you can say, 'That has absolutely nothing to do with it,' but, still."
Grant: "That has absolutely nothing to do with it."
Wout: "Yeah, maybe, but, still..."
--Vic: "I'd get started on the many very cute guys around here, as well, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But, damn, y'all..."
Jason K.: "Don't worry, go on about me, I can handle it."
--"My peepee is assertive, without being pushy." --Jason K.
--"To prove Brian wrong, I set forth to play a non-percussion instrument with my penis." --Jonas
--"OH, and another thing. The bakery at WalMart here in town makes some pretty decent croissants. They aren't the best I have ever had, but still pretty damned good. Just in case you were wondering about WalMart's bakery. And their croissants." --Jessi
--"Wednesday, she asked if "H2O was the chemical symbol for water. I shit you not. She was actually unsure of the chemical symbol for water. And, today, she asked if Seabiscuit was a horse. Moron." --Chaz
--"These three people get their chance to...LOSE A MILLION!" --Mark
--"You would not believe the magnitude of complete and total fucking gayness of the uniforms I had to buy today for school. OH, MY GOD!" --a pseudovillain
--"And, like all the good ones I find, he's kinda gay." --Kumi
--"Google me this." --What John should ha' said
--Me: "Where were you on the night of November 31st?"
John: "Well...that was the night I had just reinvented time."
--"I hate fake musicians. I went to a concert, once, and sat there for 45 minutes before I realized they were all cardboard cutouts. I wondered why the tickets were only a dollar." --Brian
--"Oh, Jason, you're so cute! You make my heart go pitter-patter. Especially since you're Grant's apprentice crack whore." --A different Adam
--"I did some shit in the back of a car with my ex-girlfriend, once...while my dad was driving that same vehicle. That will end up at the tail-end of a Mastercard commercial, one day. Priceless." --Jonas
--"I have been running around cleaning like a tweaked-out speed freak." --Jessi
--"Angelina's Jolie face." --Ann
--"Plants can have offices, too!" --Ann
--Ann: "Can we park here?"
Attendant: "Yes...it's a parking garage..."
Ann: "Um, how do we get out of here?"
Attendant "Just walk down that ramp right there..."
--Erica: "You're such a ho."
Ann: "You're my co-ho."
--Ann: "The road is so boring to look at."
Erica: "They should make them pretty colors. Hey, aren't there supposed to be yellow roads in Texas? Oh, wait, that's the yellow ROSE of Texas."
--"We went to this shopping complex in Fort Worth, where there are all these little statues. Wee pretended to be part of all of them and took pictures. Like, Ann tripped the little boy in one of them, I punched a kid in another." --Erica
--Me: "What about that great DNA remix of 'Tom's Diner'? That'll always remind me of lazy summer days in Florida."
Andy: "Surprisingly, it reminds me of your lazy summer days in Florida, too."
--"I masturbate at my friends' houses all the time, just waiting, hoping for their mum's to walk in. No such luck...yet." --Thom
--"I love laughing at other people's misfortune." --Merry
--"I like the Radiohead song that is silence for three minutes." --Andy
--Ramone: "They shouldn't be part of the equation."
Andy: "Your mother shouldn't be part of the equation."
--"'Dividing Canaan'...I get this line the first 20 times." --John
--Question: "What is your greatest fear?"
Angela B.: "Bleeding from my cunt, oh, wait, I already am."
--"BLEEDING. CUNT." --Angela B.
--"AHHH. I HATE ALL OF YOU. THIS MESSAGE BOARD IS OVER! EVERYONE GO HOME." --Andy
--"Drug people: 'GREEN IS BETTER!' Anti-drug people: 'NO BLUE IS BETTER!' Drug people: 'NO GREEN IS MORE ARTISTIC!' Anti-drug people: NO BLUE IS BETTER FOR YOU!' AHHHH. YOU ARE BOTH WRONG. GO HOME AND GO TO BED. NO DINNER!" --Andy
--Peter: "Get cable yet?"
Me: "Nope."
Peter: "Noooo? How could you miss that cornucopia of goodness?"
--Me: "Sorry if something werid just came up. I have no idea what I just hit."
Peter: "Something werid? Your typing, perhaps?"
--"We're both maxi zoom dweebies." --Peter
--"No matter how dramatic and effective the movie trailer is, when I see the word 'Seabiscuit' come up on the screen, I laugh in derision." --Dixie
--"I'm not in right now. I'm out stealing shoes from the homeless and flicking stolen Unicef pennies at small children. If you'd like to reach me, TOO BAD! Hippie!" --Chaz's away message
--"I am away from my computer." --Jason K.'s vote for best away message
--"Mexironi and cheese for everyone!" --Amber
--Paige: *customer approaches with Klondike Bar* "Oh, I don't think you want that one. It's got a rip in the wrapper, see?"
Me: "Should I put a note on it for the Maola guy?"
Paige: "It'd melt long before he got it."
Me: "Well, I'd put it back in the freezer, of course..."
Paige: "Nah, let's just split it."
--*James approaches with right arm in sling*
Paige: "What happened to your arm?"
*James makes masturbation motions with his free hand*
Paige: "What really happened to your arm?"
James: "Actually, I was chasing a rat around our garage and I tripped over a stepladder and then over the toolbox and hit the car and slammed to the ground."
Me: "I think the first story's more believable."
James: "It would be, but I use my left hand for that."
Me: "Ah..."
James: "Just being honest. Well, have a nice night, ladies!"
--"For some reason, you quoted me saying something about touching." --Chris
--Me: "You know that song 'True' by Spandau Ballet?"
John: "'Uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know this much is...'"
Me: "Doesn't that sound like a Barry Manilow song?
John: "No. Not at all. Barry's are always going up the mountain. By the end, you're on the mountain and you want to jump."
--"I laughed to myself. It was technically out loud, but it wasn't loud enough for anyone to hear, so I didn't say, 'lol.'" --John
--Nicole: "Dolly Parton is my hero."
Guilty White Boy: "I'm sorry."
--"I was jokin', because I hate things I don't understand, 'cause...I'm weak-minded." --Guilty White Boy
--"My hero is Curious George, the curious little monkey." --Kate
--"Nah, I'm just little (although not-quite-so-little) old (well, I'm actually quite young) me (to be honest, I'm a woman)." --Jason
--Me: "FFFUUCCCKKK!!!!"
Jason: "I'm proud of your 'FFFUUCCCKKK!!!!' That makes me happy in this general region. *waves hand around crotch*"
--"Just as I was expecting not to fall on the kitchen floor, BLAMO!" --Sarah
--"In more important news...I HAVE A NEW CHAIR!...and it sits like a dream." --Jason
--"It's a wonderful video. Oxymoron? Noo." --Nathan
--"You know you want this. You want the sexy." --Jason
--"I'm going to write these down as soon as I get to paper!" --Erica
--"Look at the physics on that baseball!" --Emily
--"It's just like a funnel cake, only with potatoes!" --Emily
--"This is officially the ugliest watch ever. Oh, wait, it's a compass." --Emily
--"Why does it ALL have to be Velcro?" --Emily
--"Which of these three ingredients doesn't help it making mud: dirt, water, or turkey?" --Lauren
--"When we get to your house, can I have some water in a boot-shaped glass?" --Lauren
--"It's like being drunk, only without the benefits of falling down." --Emily
--Erica: "'Neutrapeople'...how do you spell 'neutrapeople'?"
Emily: "I dunno...like 'Nutrisweet'?"
--"It's like she has crumbvision!" --Emily
--"I was so mad when he wouldn't kiss her! I mean, it was a free dunebuggy!" --Lauren
--"That's what bathtubs are for, you idiot!" --Emily
--"I was caught on the elevator one time--this hot girl walked in and was like, 'Can I help you?' so, naturally, I said, 'Ohhh, yeah, baby. Floor six, thanks.' Needless to say, I went home alone that day. Disclaimer: This was, sadly, a work of fiction." --Phil
--"Ben has a twinkle in his eye...or maybe that's just from the flash." --Barb
--"...And I don't want to see that in Small Town." --John
:^)
--"I still play 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' and 'Can't Buy Me Love' and bob my head to and fro and faint and sleep in policemen's arms." --John
--Me: "'But it'll HURT if I swallow!'"
John: "Stop!"
--Me: "Your thoughts?"
John: "Yeah, it's, um."
--Me: "Confusing lack of punctuation"
John: "Punctuation is so overrated"
--Me: "Was it a mean cat?"
John: "No, it was Ed."
--"I like Ed. He knocked over some CD's. He was funny." --John
--"But surely asking for a lock for your door when you're 14 or whatever is the same as getting caught, but without the visuals." --Phil
--"Accidental drug transaction, anyone?" --Brian
--"*turns on a desk lamp, twists it to point at a trail of ants; deep announcer's voice* The spotlight--is on you!...Sorry, I just always wanted to do that." --Nathan
--"I just have this really bad tendency to remember a lot of shit that in no way involves me." --Jason
--Me: "C'mon, c'mon...no whammies, no whammies, STOP!"
Jason: "Oh! It's a Double Whammy!"
--"'Playin' Knights of the Old Republic. Sweet ass game. Cell is on, call me.' Something tells me that Paul has not been playing Knights of the Old Republic for 2 days, 19 hours, and 36 minutes." --Jason
--"Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated twits do it." --TBOGG
--Me: "Nijm pijnstillers."
John: "Ik ben blij dat jij een van ons twee bent."
Me: "Um, did you just tell me to get bent?"
John: "You wish."
--"No state school in their right mind would accept me." --Chaz
--"If anyone needs to vent some physical violence on behalf of their asshole ex-boyfriends, you can come 'round and slap me any time. I'm happy to help." --Phil
--"There's no need for you to be taken advantage of because no one cares--that's what I'm here for!" --Local Attorney's Commercial
--"It's the terrorists fault! It's bioweather!" --Paul
--"Maybe one day, I'll break up with someone. *crosses fingers*" --Jason
--"Is anyone who uses ICQ being constantly spammed by a fuckstick who keeps asking this? I keep responding, 'No. Please, die,' and hitting 'ignore user,' but the motherfucker keeps coming back with a different ICQ number. Some people lead sad, sad lives. And most of them are from Indonesia." --Matt
--"Roger was crazy, because a stupid kid dishwasher told him he was gonna try to get him fired. Bold words, for a seventeen-year-old. You'd think a forty-something guy could handle the 'pressure'...but, NOOOOO!" --Tom
--"Sleep tight or else the Bun Lady will GET YOU!" --Tom
--Amy: "What is the most evil game ever created?"
Grant: "Speed! It made my sister hit me."
--"Trying to lean into the fridge to get a Sprite for my youngest child and, BAM, smack my forehead on the handle to the freezer. Ya' know...David is much shorter than me and would never be in any danger of injuring himself this way. Why couldn't he have gotten his own Sprite?" --Alicia
--"I'm totally krossed out." --Jill
--"I always enjoyed watching the guy with the 'fro on PBS." --Jill
--"If I were a taste, I would be delicious!" --Chaz
--"If I were an object, I would be a woman." --Chaz
Kallen: "I saw 'Full House' earlier. It was groovy."
Jason K.: "'Full House' is never groovy. Bob Saget's only funny when he's cussing."
Grant: "I guess you missed that one episode..."
Jason K.: "Which episode?"
Grant: "When Saget went crazy and was like 'Suck my dick, bitches, or you're gettin' fucked extra hard tonight,' to the twins."
--"Well, it's been a long toxic ride." --John
--"Jerry Lee Lewis. His balls are great and on fire." --Daniel
--"I found a totally cool pen outside my car door last night, when I got to work. It has, like, fiber optics and stuff. I asked inside if they knew whose pen it was and they said they didn't know, so it was all mine! WOOHOO! Cool pen for me! You know, a few years ago, I wouldn't have been so excited by this pen...but that is what my life has been reduced to..." --Jessi
--"My dad treats me like I'm fifteen, when I am twenty years old!" --Maria
--"I'm fifteen-and-a-half from Ohio. I'll be a sophomore this year at a high school at which I hate." --Shannon
--"Me and the hicks are tight. I supply their hick clothes. And their killin' jeans." --Jason
--"Word, bitches. Y'all don't know pimpin' like deez hos in the NSJ. Motherfuckas. We be pimpin' our shit in the KPL like some REAL hardcore motherfuckas, motherfucka." --Jason
--"*speaks directly into lampshade* Oh...FB...I...eye!" --John
--"Sorry, I'm easily amused. And horny. Please, call. Seriously." --Christopher
--"My name sucks. Carter--gender: male--meaning: driver of a cart--origin: English. DRIVER OF A CART. WHAT, AM I HOMELESS?" --Carter
--Jonas: "I hate when people get pissed off at celebrities because they set bad examples. Britney Spears is not going to cause kids to smoke. Do people complain about Ozzy Osbourne?"
Nick: "Uh, do you live under a ROCK?"
--"It was painted on the side of a shed. You know, the most reliable source possible." --Sarah
--"That is so great. I think." --Sarah
--"As we were walking, I did it, I bit the big one right there and went down faster than a jack rabbit on a hot date. It felt to me like slow-mo. I was like, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." (think of your best slow-motion voice) and onto my knees I went...but, oh, no, I didn't stop there. Then, I slammed my left hand onto the ground, into a giant mess of old, broken tumbleweed and other old branches and leaves...but did I stop falling, then? NO, not me. I kept falling until I hit my face into the pile of dead branches...and then, my fall stopped." --Jessi
--"I officially rule." --Erica
--"Rich telling me I have to grow up? What is this, the motherfucking Twilight Zone?" --Jill
--"He told me yesterday that he 'needs space.' I wasn't aware that the 1,200 miles between us wasn't enough space. My bad." --Jill
--"That was officially the stupidest thing I've heard anyone say all year. I couldn't even respond, because it was so stupid." --Jason
--"BOSH! I REMEMBER BOSH! YOU TRIED TO TEACH ME ABOUT BOSH!" --John
--"You should take Peter and Wout into a private room. Then, post it on Small Town. I'll be your best friend." --John
--"Did anyone see Creed playing 'Can You Take Me Higher' a couple of years ago at some football game's halftime show? It was hilarious. Scott Stapp was standing on the edge of the stage with his shirt billowing open. All around him danced cheerleaders who were dressed like New York City firefighters. It was absolutely the lowest point in American culture." --Dixie
--"AutoZone, now there's a sea of testosterone." --Leia
--"You'd be surprised--with delicious seasonings and when cooked perfectly under a slow-burning fire, liver still tastes fucking awful." --Flash
--Me: "Yes, I feel your pain."
John: "Ooh, I like the way...you feel my pain. No, no, there. To the left. Okay, wait, no. Okay. Yeah..."
--"I bet penguins could fly, if only one more person believed...so, in a way, it's your fault." --Kasey
--"Top Five Reasons to Drink Coke: 1. You look really cool and all the attractive members of the species gather around you and do the same thing. 2. You instantly grow Usher abs. 3. It's refreshing, cool, and, let's face it, it's not fucking Pepsi. 4. A whole range of sports people, political persons, and models do it. They can't all be wrong, right? Don't ask, just consume." --Phillip
--"You must always, always bother Bob. Always." --John
--"If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em." --Jessica
--"She has the brain power of a dead wasp." --Mark
--Me: "Britney, not a virgin...no shit..."
Peter: "Yeah, I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you!"
--"I see Jeffrey Jones has been added to the sex offenders' list for making a fourteen-year-old boy pose nude. I wonder if he said to him, 'The game is up! Your ass is mine!'" --Mark
--"NATURAL HELL, YEAH!" --Justin, on being a natural redhead
--"Saying an atheist 'denies' the existence of a god is untrue. You don't 'deny' something you don't believe exists. I don't deny unicorns exist, I'm not in unicorn denial, I simply don't believe they exist. Saying atheists deny the existence of God sounds like something a condescending Christian would say." --Midas
--Brandy: "We're going by McDonald's--want anything?"
Paige: "Mmm...well, I'm not really hungry right now...but, just in case, can you pick me up...two fish sandwiches?"
--"I saw the trailer for Igby Goes Down and I do not want to see this. The dialogue seems like it takes the whole 'angsty, cynical, J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye' thing wayyyy too far. I'd probably want to punch this "Igby" right in the fucking jaw to stop him from ever speaking again. All this based on the trailer." --Kallen
--"My dad's always said that the best name for a college band would be 'Free Beer.' Put that in huge letters on signs promoting a concert and you'd get a huge crowd, regardless." --Ellen
--"If you can run as fast as a horse...get on the phone and call someone." --Joe
--"Ten years ago, I would have been amazed by someone telling me that in a few short years, I would have the world readily available just by clicking a mouse and typing things on a computer...now, I just complain about pop-up advertising." --Ryan
--"Let's say you are a writer for a Christian rock magazine. Now, let's say that you have been assigned to write a review for some Christian rock concert. Let's say, now, that you go to the show and it is the most awful sound your ears have ever been tortured with...are you obligated to write a good review? Would criticizing the Lord's phat beats and wicked guitar riffs be just a one-way ticket to Hell?" --Ryan
--"I think a British college student studying abroad in Georgia would be the equivalent of me studying abroad in, say...an elementary school." --Ryan
--"I am not sure how to react when someone utters the words, 'I love black licorice.'" --Ryan
--"Have you ever met anyone from the state of Idaho? Neither have I." --Ryan
--"I realized something this afternoon: caffeine-free grape soda sucks me off with teeth." --Jason
--"I hate people that are absolutely unwilling to learn. Don't come to me with your stupid fucking bullshit slang and your half-assed English. LEARN HOW TO PROPERLY FORM SENTENCES! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! 'I'm fixing ta...etc.' WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FIXING? Hopefully, it's that fucking verb." --Jason
--Me: "This BellSouth site is sooo slow."
Nathan: "Yes, it's pretty appropriate, isn't it? I admire their consistency, personally."
--"FEEL MY PAIN! FEEL MY FUCKING PAIN!" --Adam
--"Yes, I truly do...love Lucy. No horrible pun-ish thing intended." --Erin
--"I think I hate you all, you're all so not emo." --Grishnachk
--"Sea monsters are the coolest." --Violet
--"Because...just because...okay?" --Stephanie
--"Ooh, two servings of stuff I hate!" --Bobby, scrutinizing the ingredients in V8
--Flip: "If you could fuck one animal, what would it be?"
Jessi: "It would be you, Flip...'cause you are like an animal when you are doin' me...and then, after that, it would be a gorilla, 'cause gorillas have huge-ass cocks!"
Berrage: "Human."
Ali: "You are one sick puppy!"
--"It's all about the Justin Timberlake, if you want some action." --Megan
--"I'd make out with a chair, if someone played that. It's just that good." --Leslie
--"No one has mentioned Beck, the sexx laws man himself!" --Brat
--"Now that I'm thinking about it...pretty mcuh anything SILVER JEWS ever did is good making-out music. CoughSILVERJEWScoughcough Silver Jews." --Sarah
--Chris: "For a bit of farcical comedy sex, you can't go wrong with Frank Zappa's version of Ravel's 'Bolero.' Remember to time your thrusts for maximum effect. I was joking, by the way."
Mark: "No, you weren't, Chris. My mum said you always did it to that song."
--"Every make-out session, I end up fuckin' my bitch so loud, the neighbors from eight houses down call." --"Sarah
--Rosa: "Seems to me you should have things other than music on your mind when you're making out with someone."
Meg: "Well, of course...but the mood only gets better and more intense, if you have proper music. I mean...making out to something like...Sum 41 or...Muppet Babies Singalong is like...I dunno--could you get it up?"
Rosa: "Well, actually. You know that children show Ben Folds appeared and sang some kids' songs on? Boy and I had sex to that. Although it was by accident, WinAmp was on shuffle. The story is better if I just leave it at having sex to children's music, though, isn't it?"
--"They look like unpractised schoolkids when they do this line. It's sad." --Phillip
--"Your salary is dependent on a bunch of assholes." --Toni, on waitressing
--"You wish. I want your brother's sexy body, not yours." --Amante
--Amante: "The printer is being a brasshole."
Me: "Fushing brasshole."
Amante: "I'll fush this beach up."
--Amante: "Mom can't find her keys. Crisis. Be right back. *after a moment* Well, anyhoo."
Me: "Find 'em?"
Amante: "No. She's still looking. I asked if I could give up. She said, 'Yes.'"
--"I love you, Steph. More than I love breakfast." --Amante
--Jason: "This Atkins diet sucks ass."
Me: "How long have you been on it, now?"
Jason: "About 10 minutes."
--"I know, I'm a dork; but you know what? Dorks are HOT! Or so says a teeshirt I saw. It was probably lying." --Chaz
--Me: "I think my computer wants to freeze."
Jason: "The bastard."
Me: "Well, you know what, computer? FUCK YOU!"
Jason: "FUCK YOU WITH THE BROWN STRAP-ON. NOT THE TAN. THE SHIT BROWN STRAP-ON. AND YOU WILL ENJOY IT."
--"I saw this porno last night and this girl was like, 'I don't wanna fuck her with the brown strap-on. I wanna fuck her with the green one.' The whole time, I was thinking, 'Wow. I can't believe she's being picky about what she's shoving in some other girl's ass.'" --Jason
--Dixie: "Think of everything the Nazis did for Germany. They rebuilt the country and gave everyone food to eat, built the Autobahns, helped to fund car companies, and helped to perfect a lot of things."
Chaz: "You gotta love those Nazis!"
--Dixie: "Wout, maybe you could shed light on Germans, being that you lived in Belgium."
Me: "I do happen to know a lot about Brazilians! After all, I was born on a waterslide."
Jessica: "What is that supposed to mean?"
Me: "Basically, it means I happen to know a lot about Brazilians. Also, that I was born on a waterslide."
Wout: "What is THAT supposed to mean?"
John: "It means Wim Deetman is the mayor of The Hague. And he at least reads his email." I love my friends. They rule.
--"Love is an abstract concept invented by the wider masses to give some depth to the feeling brought on by the need to mate with an opposite of the species to continue their line of DNA. Cynic? Me? Nooo..." --Phillip
--"I was buying DVD's and CD's at a local used shop and the girl behind the counter came out from behind the counter and followed me down an aisle and said, 'You want me to hold those for you?' And I said, 'You wanna take these up front?' And she smiled and nodded and took them. And later, after I was done gathering another pile, I walked up to the counter and she said, 'Is this all, then?' And, oh, wait...'Lady Madonna' was playing in my car. And I pulled up to a stoplight. And this guy next to me gave me the finger and said, 'That shit sucks, man.' Soon, the light turned green. And I felt better about that." --John
--"My parents just got a TiVo. I was playing with it. And the TiVo." --Mark
--"This one sounds very, very worrying. 'On the way to school, Max and Shelly visit Sardo's Magic Mansion to get some art supplies. Sardo interests Max into a pencil box with a pencil and eraser. At school, Max decides to use his new supplies. He has trouble drawing fruits, so he erases one of the fruits in his picture. After he erases it, it disappears and Shelly thinks someone ate it. On the way home from school, Max gets chased by a dog and runs home. When he got home, he had piano lessons, but doesn't want to play and he erases the piano. He found out the erser was magic, but Shelly didn't beleive him. So he proves it by erasing her underwear.' A) You do NOT buy school supplies at a magic shop. 2) You don't mention underwear on a kids' show. D) You do not remove said underwear." --Mark
--"'A 13-year-old girl learns not to take fairytales seriously when she wishes to be in a fairytale world forever.' I remember shouting at that girl to grow up." --Mark
--Mark: "Oh, Lord...my parents are playing some CD with a God-awful cover of 'Here Comes the Sun' on it."
Me: "By whom?"
Mark: "I dunno. Sir Isuckalot, I assume."
--"I like my women how I like my chicken. Naked." --Mark
--Me: "Because--because--"
Amante: "My mother is a fridged ice queen?"
--"Just refer to her as 'Small Child with a Gun.'" --Amante
--Me: "That happens with her quite a bit, does it not? Wonder what that's about."
Mark: "I dunno. Probably something involving syphilis."
--"Well, my darling, I think I'm gonna hit the sack. Then, maybe, the hay. Then, when I come in from the barn, I'm gonna go to sleep." --Mark
--Jason: "Gatorade is to water as ____ is to love."
Chaz: "'Lust.' We're all impressed by the nice taste and bright colors, but in the end, all we really need is what keeps us going in the first place." Well said.
--"The new Harry Potter is out. I'm embarrassed to know that." --Peter
--"And the moral here is....major in English?" --Peter
--Jason: "John, connect me."
John: "Um."
Mark: "Bloody hell, that's a bit personal."
--*to the tune of "Candle in the Wind* "Goodbye, Norma Bates / Though we never knew you at all / You had the guts to hide in the fruit cellar / While those women around you got killed / Never knowing who to pin the blame on / When the victims' blood set in / And I would have liked to've known you / But you died when Norman was just a kid." --Mark
--"Just flipped on the TV...'STARRING JUDGE REINHOLD' came up. THAT, my friend, is how you lure Mark to watch your TV show." --Mark
--Hugo: "Nirvana...what the fuck, I just wrote a huge rant and only 'Nirvana' showed up. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"
Dean: "It was the ghost of Kurt."
--Hugo: "Do you know where I can find some good man-on-man, painted-snakes, step-on-balls porn?"
John: "Hmm...*searches favorites*"
--"Dying seems to be one of the best possible career moves you can make." --Elise
--"*yawn* *insert long rant about how Nirvana was completely overrated and their music is shit and the only reason they were marketed was because Kurt Cobain killed himself* The end. I'll be in my trailer." --Jason
--"Now. Read that last 'sentence' again. Really think about what I just copied and pasted. The grammar...the spelling...the subject content...Now. Shoot the person next to you in the head. 'If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.' Now, we know." --Kasey
--"Seeing Jess B. today was amazing. I'm going to show her how amazing, tomorrow, if I get to see her (that's not a threat)." --Kasey
--"YAY YAY! Or, as we say over here in Belgium: JAJ JAJ! (Well, not really, we say 'YAY YAY!' too, but STILL!)" --Wout
--*after others brag about going to Radiohead concerts* "Radiohead came over to my house and we played Monopoly after they did a four-hour set in my backyard." --Hugo
--"I loved when he turned into that huge pile of rocks and fought Hulk, and then their powers combined and they transformed into that huge jellyfish-looking thing. It was so fucking stupid." --Chaz, on The Hulk
--One Brian: "Hey, y'all...I'm going up to New York Tomorrow to try to get tickets to Conan on standby. Does anyone who has done this before have any advice to improve our chances of getting in?"
Another Brian: "Blow jobs...lots and lots of blow jobs."
--"If it sucks...do it...if it hurts...fuck it...and if you can help it...say your name after every sentence. I went to the store today...YOUR NAME! I ate pizza for lunch...YOUR NAME! Your sister is a bitch...YOUR NAME! I hate this fucking place...YOUR NAME! It's easy, try it sometime...YOUR NAME! Out for now...YOUR NAME!" --a guilty white boy
--Me: "Have you seen...what's it called?"
Mark: "Yes, I have, actually!"
--*dances around his room naked* Err...there's too much stuff on the floor. I'll just sit here and play Super Mario Bros. 3, instead. Yeah, that sounds good." --Jason
--Jason: "I'M NOT FUNNAY ANYMORE! YOU'VE MOVED ON!"
Me: "YOU ARE FUNNAY! EVAR SO FUNNAY!"
--"Hammertime!" --Jason
--"DAMMIT! AH DUN GOT MAH ASS SHOT!" --Jason
--"And since when can raccoons fly?! Also...SHIPS GO IN WATER! NOT AIR!" --Jason's Super Mario Bros. 3 frustrations
--"Something else that bothers me. HOW THE HELL CAN THERE BE A LAVA PLANT UNDERWATER?! Correct me if I'm wrong...but isn't lava made of FIRE?! And doesn't water kinda...PUT OUT FIRE?!" --Jason's further Super Mario Bros. 3 frustrations
--Me: "Just finishing up an email I've been working on for, like, two hours."
Mark: Ah, the monthly email to Mom?"
Me: Hahah...I never email my mother."
Mark: "Why would you? She's been in Greenlawn Cemetery for the last 10 years!"
Me: "(She's really been in the fruit cellar.)"
Mark: "from: mother@thefruitcellar.org
to: norman@batesmotel.com
subject: let me out!
etc."
--"When I used to work at McDonald's, we got hold of one of the managers' email addresses and sent him an email from 'Ronald McDonald'--ronald@mcdonalds.com--saying he'd won a competition as best manager of the year. I think I signed it, 'love, Ronald.'" --Mark
--Mark: "I think, if we met, we'd manage to sit in total laughter for about nine straight hours."
Me: "And then, I'd drop dead."
Mark: "Well, yes. Then, I'd have you stuffed, keep you in the fruit cellar, etc."
Me: "Oh, but what you don't realize is, I LIKE the fruit cellar."
Mark: "Well, I'll keep you in Cabin 1, then!"
Me: "Blast!"
--"Everybody hates a music-downloading miscreant....but now, you could do something about it! Next on 'Sick Sad World'!" --Peter
--"I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance. Or whatever." --Peter
--"I don't mind if this computer self destructs...it's not mine. Hah." --Robert
--"How to Hide the Fact That You Shit Yourself, by No Body Knowsishit, and Masturbating in Public: A Guide for Beginners by Jackin' Itwhileyou'renotlookin'likeit. Ahhh, lazy summer days..." --a guilty white boy's summer reading suggestions
--"One night, when I was home alone, I looked out the window at the school across the street and thought, 'Geez, that'd be a great place for a sniper. If I was a sniper' I'd definitely go up there.' Then, it occured to me that someone may have beat me to this thought, and so I shut the blinds as quick as I could, in case they saw me." --Phil
--Mark: "Drank some cleaning fluid last night, mate. Bit of an accident."
Matt: "How?"
Mark: "It was in an orange juice carton in the fridge. As cleaning fluid normally is, like."
--*Nathan's watching TV while I'm at the computer; I get up to turn the TV down*
Nathan: "HEY! Did I tell you you could do that?"
Me: "No, but you would have, if I'd asked."
Nathan: "You should have said, 'Yes,' I probably would have believed you."
--"I have to say that I do think Nirvana and CCR are about on the same level of quality, in that they both bite ass." --Nathan
--"We're like family. We fight. We argue. We care (occasionally)." --Ali
--*Paul comes upon me cleaning in the back*
Paul: "STEPHANIE!"
Me: "WHAT?"
Paul: "Are you going to do any work today?"
Me: "NO."
Paul: "Okay, just asking." *walks off*"
--"I haven't had enough alcohol to consume all this, yet." --NJ
--"A carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken." --dictionary.com definition of "geek"
--"Have I ever talked to you about Prince?" --Mark
Mark: "How was dinner?"
Cheryl: "It was okay. It was small."
Mark: "Aww, Swanson's Angry Man Dinner?"
--"The woman issuing my card told me to sit up straight. Grr. I'll sit HER up straight. Or something." --Sarah
--"Harry Potter, Schmarry Potter. That's right, I said it." --Sarah
--"Personal Velocity was okay, until the ending, when I realized it had no point." --Jill
--"AIM wouldn't be AIM if it didn't crash once in a while. No, it would be something much better." --John
--Mark: "One time, I got very very stoned and ate a PopTart, thinking it was a strawberry one..."
Me: "The evils of weed!"
Mark: "I realised the next morning it was actually a chocolate one."
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOO! How did you live with yourself?"
Mark: "I dunno."
--Me: "IS VIOLET THERE? NO I DIALLED IT RIGHT. IS THAT NOT VIOLET? IT'S JIM? I WANT TO SPEAK TO VIOLET."
The English-to-Twelve-Year-Old-AOLer Translator: "IS VIOLET THEIR???????? OMG WTF NO I DIALAD IT RIGHT11!111 OMG LOL IS TAHT NOT VIOLAT?!?!! WTF LOL ITS JIM?!!??! OMG I WANT 2 SP3AK 2 VIOLET111! LOL" The English-to-Twelve-Year-Old-AOLer-Translator
--"Frozen pizza is Satan's work. I am eating Satan's work." --John
--"Sometimes, I wanna type stuff like...'Oh, how nice... biotch.'" --John
--"*jumps, does the 'Nathan knows you' jig, passes out*" --John
--"You know what? I'm lonely right now...stupid Alaska. But I bought sheets for my bed today and a fan, so that's cool." --Chris
--Sarah (say): "My life sucks more. Someone else's life sucks even more. And still someone else's life is just balls and not worth living."
John: "Sarah, I'm sure we've never met. How do you know so much about me?"
--"Seriously, though...you get used to it. But enough about having sex with me." --Mark, when I comment on his flatscreen computer
--"Yes, I am typical of people who dislike Dances with Wolves." --Nathan
--"Tolkien wrote stuff that incorporated Christianity, Catholicism, mythology, fairytales, and Anglo-Saxon and Viking mythology. Rowling wrote stuff that incorporated Tolkien." --Dixie
--"You bastahd." --someone
--"For goodness' sake...don't poke the monster! HE'S NOT DEAD!" --Erin
--"That's SUCH an answer!" --Wout
--Wout: "I have this French final tomorrow. You should be there, in my ear or something."
Me: "How about...okay, you wear a giant, novelty cowboy hat with a camera attached. The teacher will never suspect!"
Wout: "Of course not! I'm wearing a hat like that all the time! He would be suspicious if I didn't wear it."
--Wout: "Guess who had to tell about his fake diary last Friday!"
Me: "You had to tell? That it was fake?"
Wout: "No, I didn't tell him, of course."
Me: "'Fred, you saved a baby from a burning building and I didn't hear about it before? WHY MUST YOU TURN MY CLASSROOM INTO A HOUSE OF LIES?!' And then, you admitted it."
Wout: "No! Au contraire, even!"
Me: "'Fred, you have a remarkably dull life. I can only hope that you made this up.' And THEN you admitted it!"
Wout: "I'm that silent little sycophant sitting in the back of the class. You know, every class has someone like that. And then, all of a sudden, he said, 'Wow.' And that was that. Then, he asked me, "Who's this Stephanie?"
Me: "Bah. You lie!"
Wout: "Okay, okay. But he DID ask stuff!"
Me: "'Over the weekend, you...created light, huh?'"
Wout: "It was more like...*looks up* 'Fred, you have a remarkably dull life. I can only hope that you made this up.' I kid you not. Fortunately, I wasn't the worst kid on the block. He got, like, five people crying. There was this one girl, she entered the room, and the first thing he said was, 'Well, from your diary, I can conclude that there's only one way to go for you: the suicide way,' or something like that, because she had been really depressed. And another girl...'As you may know, I've been reading your best friend's diary, too, and she mentioned that you're a whore. Could you explain to me why she would say such a thing?' Stuff like that."
--"I thought I was dying right before I entered that room. And afterward, it turned out that someone had been stabbing me with a knife the whole time." --Wout
--"I need to humiliate you in public. Don't ask me why...Just don't ask. Shh, it's okay..." --Wout
--"I'm part horse!" --Wout
Me: "My short-term memory is going."
Wout: "Mine, too. I mentioned that to my religion teacher."
Me: "And then he made fun of you!"
Wout: "No, he made a joke and I didn't laugh."
Me: "And then, you stabbed him with an ice pick. And it was settled."
Wout; "No, then, he asked me what the meaning of life was. And then, I stabbed the tires of his bike with the ice pick I just stabbed him with before. Unfortunately, he has a car."
--Me: "Fluffy is obviously not very universal, there. No one appreciates the Fluff."
Wout: "I appreciate him! Chyeah, in my PLATE! *runs*"
--"I found Time in my schedule, once. It had been hiding there for 20 minutes. I hate that bastard." --Wout
--Wout: "I have 'yes' and 'maybe.' 'Yes' means 'no' and 'maybe' means 'yes.'"
Me: "I'll remember that in the future."
Me: ":-X Why would you want to send that face to somebody? Any ideas? Is it a Brazilian thing?"
Wout: "Well, no. But it might come in handy if you get kidnapped by old-fashioned criminals with duct tape and a computer with an Internet connection in the place where they lock you up. Like, 'Hey, save me! My mouth is covered with duct tape.' :-X: This would be a really quick way to say it. They're not as dumb as we thought, those AOL guys."
--"Before I start, let me remind you, I am condescending (that means I talk down to people)." --Nate
--"So. Whose mechanic fucked up fixing her clutch the first time around? Who's stuck paying for two repairs to the same thing now? Who got told yesterday that her car would be fixed today? Who hasn't been able to get ahold of her mechanic all day? Who's been without her car for just over a month now? Who's getting real tired of borrowing a car from someone else? Who wants to go fucking throttle her mechanic? Yeah, baby. Say my name." --Violet
--"50 Cent is my boyfriend? Shoot me!" --this one chick
--Joe K.: "Anyone planning on buying the new Radiohead?"
Jason: "Of all things slightly good and potentially holy, OH, MY FUCKING GOD, YES! YES!"
--"Persistance gets me every time. I haven't got any...Ah, just kidding." --Me, long ago, on a page which I recently came across
--Jendall: "I can't play any of the music off of your website, as my speakers have busted."
Adam: "It's not true, they haven't busted...they just don't like you."
--Adam: "Heh...Pye...apple pye...peach pye...Chris Pye...it never ends."
Chris P.: "Waaargh! *flashback to unhappy childhood memories of playground tauntings*
--NJ: "I like Pepsi better than Coke. I've only just decided this just now. It just tastes better."
Adam: "Okay, I'm not talking to you anymore."
--"I like heroin better than Coke; more exhilarating, less come down." --Grishnachk
--NJ: "I like Pepsi better than Coke."
Phillip: "I like OJ. And swords."
--NJ: "I can rattle off KFC ads from memory."
Ali: "It's true, folks. She really can."
--Adam: "The penis! And its many names: johnson."
Mike: "People like to call mine the 80-pound attack beast."
Grant: "Mightier than the sword."
LeAnne: "WANG!"
Joel: "I'm a fan of wanger...it just flows...wanger, wanger, wanger, wanger...WEEEEH!"
Jakey: "One-eyed trouser snake. WAAAAAAANG."
Sean: "I call mine TINY!"
Michael: "This sounds like a 'Jeopardy' category: ween, little general, Mr. Jones."
Rawkin: "Johnnie Piper."
Justin: "Tallywacker, trouser snake, throbbing member (member of what, exactly?)."
Pat: "Herbert."
Daniel: "FIERY ROD OF DEATH!"
Kinsey: "Kickstand."
Me: "WING-WANG!"
Mark: "Pump-action yogurt rifle."
Doug: "I call mine, 'Stop it, Daddy, stop it!'"
--"Okay. At 9 A.M. this morning, it was determined that Jonny and I had a mission to accomplish. We had to purchase at least one copy of Hail to the Thief and we would settle for no less than the limited edition. This was more important than any other thing that had to be done today, examples being showering, eating, or having money." --Jason
--"Yeah. Sure. What?" --Phillip
--"Don't be so sure, fucktart." --Heather V.
--"Regarding Maroon 5: a friend said, 'It's okay that they sound really poppy, because they play their own instruments.' I responded, 'Hanson plays their own instruments.' And I turned off the CD." --Doug
--Me: "I worked there for about a year. That building's been there since the '50s and I just found out the other day that they're tearing it down this week. And I never got a chance to ride Sandy. :^("
Mark: "Who's Sandy? The owner?"
"It's why they search me for shotguns before letting me in the building." --Tom
--"Maybe if he gets elected, he can get the other senators to fight and throw chairs at each other." --Sean L., on Jerry Springer running for Congress
--Flip: "She said something else, but I wasn't paying attention."
Max: "Don't tell her that! Girls don't want to hear that. She'll be pissed!"
Flip: "No, she won't."
Max: "She should. Pay attention to women, dumbass."
--"Flip--stop mackin' on Adam." --Jessica
--Jessi: "Aww, you all are having foursomes, while I'll be alone all summer long..."
Todd: "You're the most desperate loser I've ever heard of in my life."
Jessi: "Yes...yes, I am."
Todd: "Not you...well, you, as well...I mean Flip."
--"I knew I'd find intelligent, like-minded North Carolinians with some insight in to the state other than, 'Ummm...there're snakes here.'" --William
--*during a bad thunderstorm*
Bart: "We should go swimming!"
Beatle: "Dude, it's storming outside. We'll get struck by lightning."
Bart: "No, dude, there are plenty of trees around the pool."
Beatle: "*slaps Bart*"
--Questionairre: "What is your favorite drink?"
Sarah: "Ale-8."
Questionairre: "Drink (alcoholic)?"
Sarah "Your mom?"
--Questionairre: "Would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000?"
Sarah: "CRICKETS FREAK ME OUT. But I probably would, anyway. EVEN THOUGH THEY FREAK. ME. OUT."
--Questionairre: "If you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you make it?"
Sarah: "Dark red?"
Questionairre: "If you had to get a body piercing right now, where would it be?"
Sarah: "'Brow."
Questionairre: "If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be?"
Sarah: "I cant picture a situation in which I would have to get a tattoo."
--Questionairre: "If you got stuck on a deserted tropical island forever with one other person, who would it be?"
Sarah: "Someone delicious."
--"I skipped around for about three hours. Seriously, that takes it out of you." --Phillip, discussing what he did while drunk
--"My dog hates when I go through carwashes. Especially when I strap him to the roof." --Jeff
--"Ecco, I'm a hindu and I'd like to say...get a haircut!" --Sam L.
--"I'm not about to fuck with anyone that's had military training and makes the comment, 'I'm gonna fucking kill someone.'" --Jason
--"There is male birth control. It's called Mountain Dew. Drink a 12-pack of that shit and you will be sterile for two weeks." --Tommie
--"Don't get me started on Catholics. Which, by the way, was kind of an invitation for someone to get me started on Catholics." --J
--Adam: "What about ghosts? What the fuck explains THAT?"
Mark: "Cheese could be involved."
--"I don't really know what I'm saying, anymore, but, in summary: WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL!" --Daniel
--"Wow. Just...wow." --Jason
--"I've seen the future. There are NO silverfish. NO gnats. NO mosquitos. NO roaches. NO smoking. NO shirt, NO shoes, NO service." --John
--"You're still all that matters to me. *strike badass A chord*" --Jason (who was not referring to me)
--"You have smart aleck down to an exact science." --John Why, thank you for the compliment, sir!
Me: "You da man!"
Dad: "I hope so, thanks."
--Drew: "I sold out. No, seriously. I traded my artistic integrity for popularity and money. And you know what? I LIKED IT."
John: "Welcome to Hell. This is my master, Satan. Have a seat over there. The naked demon girls will be out shortly to lapdance for you. Oh, don't get excited, they look like lizards."
--"I tried turning eighteen. It takes longer than you'd think." --Phil
--"I was hiding in his garden the other night. He seemed like a nice enough guy. Except when he came chasing after me with the two-by-four. That was a little threatening. Next time, I'll stalk from a better hiding place." --Emma
--"You could hang out with Celine Dion!" --Ariel
--"Just wait until they find out you suck." --CD
--"That's not selling out. That's whoring yourself for some cash." --Laura
--"See, now, don't you feel much better? Your artistic integrity remains intact, but your level of self-prostitution's increased." --Laura
--"What about the ring modulators? Won't somebody think of the ring modulators?" --Dave
--"This is to make you think I actually have a point to this post, even though you know I really don't." --Jason
--Sarah (Say): "I prefer not to buy albums, because even good bands make bad songs."
Rufus: "Huh? So what do you do, sing to yourself in the shower?"
--"I thought this was a thread on Andy Rooney. Because then, I would have been interested in reading it. No, not really." --Andrea
--"Never again will I drink coffee and look at it the same way." --Chaz We can all thank Mrs. Nixon for that handy analogy.
--"Wait. If that's true, shouldn't all children look like the Columbian Coffee guy?" --Chaz
--"Mutha fukka...GODDAMN LAWNMOWER PEOPLE...The cable people didn't bury the cable yet...they were going to...but, instead, the lawnmower people decided to RUN OVER my cable...If you saw a big, orange cable going into a house, WOULD YOU RUN OVER IT WITH A FUCKING LAWNMOWER?! I thought not..." --Rich
--"Oh, cracka' snapped!" --Michael
--Dixie: "Wout, maybe you could shed light on Germans, being that you live in Belgium."
Wout: "Nah, I did that once and this whole group of Germans was screaming things like, "Aah! What's that light?! WHO IS THERE? AAH!" Then, they saw me and stole my flashlight. Good times."
--"That is so funny that I spit out cream cheese, but I am not eating cream cheese." --BFAH
--"OMFG, this guy is so retarded that if he was a snowflake he would fall up LOLOL" --BFAH
--Wout: "Actually, I think 'Alf' is what caused Nazism in the first place."
Chaz: "'Ant ve vill eet all of ze cats! ALL OF ZEM!'"
--Matt: "'You've Got to Hide Your Hand Away.'"
Mark: "Sergeant Beadle's Little Hand Club Band.' 'Beadle in the Sky with Cunts.'"
Matt: "Beadle in the Sun with a Wanking Claw.mp3? 'Beadles Silver Claw Hand.' 'Happiness is a Small Hand.'"
Mark: "Get Back (To the Hand Clinic)."
Matt: "'Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey Hand.'"
Mark: "'The Continuing Story of Jeremy Beadle.'"
Matt: "'Act Naturally.' 'Run for Your Hand.' 'Real Glove."
Mark: "'I Am the Walrus with a Small Hand.'"
Matt: "'PS My Glove Yeah.'
Mark: "'Hand!' ('Help!')"
Matt: "'Old Frail Hand.'"
Mark: "'The Ballad of Jeremy and His Hand.' 'Mean Mr Beadle's Hand.'"
Matt: "Nothing Shakin' (Don't Shake My Right Hand).mp3. 'Wan King.' 'Some Other Hand.' Tell Me Why I Have a Small Hand.' The Long and Winding Arm.'"
Mark: "'Hey, Beadle / Don't touch your hand / Take a small hand / And make it cummer / Remember / To wave it in the air / Then, you can start / To make it bigger.' 'A Hand Day's Night.'" Mark and Matt, on Jeremy Beadle (this man--note his right hand).
--"stephanie@dead.crying.laughter" --Mark
--"I'm surprised it's got a glass in it. Must be taped on or something." --Mark, on the above picture
--"Why do you have a quote of me on a web site???" --Andy Flittner
--Me: "Let me get one thing out of my e-mail account..."
Mark: "mark_naked.jpg?"
Me: "No, mark_naked14.jpg."
Mark: "Ah, good."
Me: "But now that you mention it, mark_horse09.jpg is a real keeper, too."
Mark: "Oh, Lord, yes."
Me: "The look of terror in the horse's eyes is what really makes it."
Mark: "On a related topic, i'm enjoying stephanie_ostrich45.jpg right now."
--"I'm really tempted to take a nap right now. H4rdc0r3 513574 57yl3z!" --Jason
--"Sorry, I'm using Diablo 2 short talk. Gotta talk fast when your gettin' beat down by Baal: Lord of Destruction." --Amante
--"We cruised by the Pie Pan so Kyle could see his girlfriend. Well, guess who was there? BREYANNA. For those of you who don't know me, this is my ex-girlfriend, who, if she were tall enough, would punch me in the face." --Amante
--"Stephanie might have no friends defined. If you are Stephanie, you can edit your LiveJournal friends so they show up here." --www.livejournal.com
--Me: "I'm wondering why someone would have sex during lunch...in an empty classroom...where they could very easily get caught and, if it were anything like my high school, expelled."
Jason: "Because she's a fucking idiot. And a whore, to boot. And I wish painful things like venereal diseases on her."
Me: "Maybe she'll get an awful bout of..."
Jason: "DEEZ NUTZ! Well, not DEEZ nuts, but DOZE nuts."
--"The best way to smuggle drugs has to be up a dog's ass, surely." --Mark
--"I wonder how it will affect the dynamic within the leg." --Matt, on Paul McCartney's new wife's pregnancy
--Mark: "International pick-up lines that are guaranteed: 'Have you got any English in you?' 'I don't think so.' 'Would you like some?'"
Me: "I have English in me."
Mark: "Oh, God, I must have been so drunk."
--"Mark and Stephanie, winners of the Light-Hearted IM Award 2003." --Mark
--*older policeman walks in, looking tired, limping slightly*
Paul: "D'you come here looking for trouble? Well, you came to the right place; she's right here. *points at me*"
Policeman: "*considers for a moment* Stephanie, go throw yourself into the back of the squad car. *limps away*"
--"OMFG WTF U ACT LIEK IM GONNA SLAY U IN UR SLEEP OR SOMTHING!" --Some psycho
--"I started taking Claritin the other day, to deal with allergies. I have noticed a distinct side effect: allergy affects me a little, I take Claritin; twelve hours later, allergies hit three times harder!" --Tom
--"Top Ten Things Flip's Mom Says:
1. Always get the money up front.
2. You are a very hamdsome young man.
3. What you talking 'bout?
4. I pity the fool who touch my prosthetics.
5. If you wanna feel funky, feel free, but, please, don't spread that funk on me.
6. Come here, fat girl, are you ticklish?
7. Shut the fuck up.
8. Wash yo' ass.
9. Please, untie me.
10. This house is clean!" --Sean
--"What was that, Heart? Why, of course I'll follow you yet again..." --Erica
--Jason (gas): "hey, look, i'm soryr, is it justdt me or does that dued im midnight oil look like teh toxic aven ger or or some shit?"
Allison (allimac80): "DUDE...what the fuck is up with your typing?"
Jason: "aalimac80...more like STOOpidmac80!"
Allison: "Hey...what's up with bashing me? All I did was comment on someone's obviously fake, bad typing."
Jason: "fake... more like REAL!!1 ha!"
Allison: "Or maybe lazy?"
Jason: "maybe lazy... more like STUPIDmac890!!! aaaaaaaaa"
--Mathias: "Porno Movie Name Game: Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead."
Me: "Don't Tell Mom, The Baby Gave Me Head."
Chaz: "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter Gave Me Head."
Hattie: "Don't Fuck Mom, Fuck the Babysitter, Instead."
Jessi: "I Fucked Mom, While the Babysitter Gave Me Head."
Jessi: "I Fucked Mom and the Babysitter's Head."
Jon: "I Killed Mom and Fucked Her in the Head."
Juston: "Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter Let Me Tongue Her Bung While She Juggled My Balls in One Hand and Played with My Asshole with the Other, But Didn't Stick Her Finger In. Then, I Pinkied Her and Put It in Her Friend's Brown, While My Friend Spanked into a Dixie Cup. After That, I Smelled Her Titties For a While and She Pulled My Nutsack up over My Dick and It Looked Like a Bullfrog. Then, She Flicked at My Nuts While Your Friend Spanked Me into the Same Dixie Cup My Friend Jizzed In. Then, We Threw the Dixie Cup Out."
--"This one is hard...Haha, I said, 'hard.'" --Brian (Quami)
--Me: "Is he moving to Poland or what?"
Amante: "No, Texas."
--Hugo: "Okay, is it just me or are some Ben Folds songs meant to be sung by Carly Simon?"
John: "It's just you, you fucking Carly Simon fan...just kidding."
--Steve: "Okay, I've finally gotten around to limiting the length of sigs."
John (aka Man of 1,000 Screennames): "That's great news, Steve-O! Now, can you do something about the widgets who register multiple times? Like, limit everyone to, say, eight hundred screennames or less? Just asking."
Matt: "Jesus Christ, John, he's not freakin' God. But, uh, maybe you could put the page numbers for thread topics down the bottom of the 'All Topics' page. So instead of clicking 'older' all the time, you can just go to which page of threads you want. Just a thought. And while we're at it, instead of having only the recent six threads under Ben's picture and quote, could we get the most recent ten? And no one has even mentioned the rating system. Plus, the chatroom is kinda crappy. And those random quotes are so cheezy. *no one responds* I see the art of humor is lost on some people."
--Matt: "Jesus Christ, John, he's not freakin' God."
John: "Jeezy chreezy, Matty, he's not a freezy geez."
--Marvin: "You're all whores."
Emily R.: "Sorry?"
Marvin: "It's okay."
--Jason K.: "The .org yearbook is for uglies and sucks. So I will make a new yearbook, but it's for KEWLS ONLY. NO UGLIES. You can apply for t he KEWLS YB on this thread. Good luck getting in (you have to be kewl and megasex). I can tell you right now, though, that that Jeff Jooce guy IS NOT in teh KEWLS YB."
Jason K.: "Damn. I'd apply, but I'm not megasex. I knew there was a catch..."
Mike: "Do you have to be both kewl and megasex or just either/or?"
Jason K.: "Jason K.: BANNED. Mike: BANNED."
Katie: "What about me?"
Hugo (aka Jeff Jooce): "I'm going to sit back and laugh, 'cause I'm obviously not 'kewl' enough to be in it."
Jason K.: "Katie: BANNED. Jeff Jooce: We've been throught his...BANNED!!!!1111~~````1`213. T2H JOCOE: BANNED *and* RED."Nathan: "OMG***********CAN I BE IN THIS???"
Jason K.: "Nathan: ACCEPTED."
John: "I wanna be banned!"
Jason K.: "John: BANNED."Hugo (as Stuart): "My penis is 4 inches long."
Jason K.: "Big faggot: BANNED BANNED BANNED."
Stuart: "Yea, I'm not banned."
Jason K.: "This faggot is so banned and he doesn't even know it. What a cocksucking fpahg."
Stuart: "I feel sorry for that faggot."
--Mike: "Teh kewls yearbook is lame and my yearbook is better. Apply for mine today. You must give a photograph and a 60,000 word essay on how kewl you are."
Jason: "Is there anyway we can skip the lameass application process?"
Mike: "Jason: ACCEPTED."
Jason: *after Mike spells his name incorrectly* "Well, fucking hell. What about me? That bastard didn't apply."
Nathan: "OMG, MY name is tERRI (it's actually with a Y but i like the I better) you will luve me! i luv ben and i need ben buddies! i am so cool!"
Mike: "Jason: BANNED. Nathan: BANNED. We don't accept people that like Ben."
Katie: "I was banned from the other one...I have a big ass...does that qualify me enough for this one?"
Mike: "Katie: ACCEPTED for your big ass."
Katie: "Yea! Me and ass feel the love...really, we do!"
Mike: "Katie: BANNED. There is no love here at TMKYB."
Katie: "OUCH. Well, you'll be sorry, too. No ass for you."
Jason: "Can I have ass? Since, y'know, we were both banned..."
Mike: "Jason: BANNED. We do not have asses here. Katie: ACCEPTED, because you have no ass for me."
Stuart: "My penis is 4 inches long."
Mike: "Jason: ACCEPTED. Your eyebrows are too big. Stuart: "ACCEPTED. Your penis is too big."
Katie: "Wait, because I have no ass for you...why did you accept me?"
Mike: "Katie: BANNED. Don't ever question my acceptance."
Katie: "Who died and made you king of this TMKYB?"
Mike: "Katie: BANNED. I don't know what this TMKYB thing is."
Katie: "I was already banned. So poo on you."
Mike: "Katie: ACCEPTED for the poo on me."
Katie: "So if I poo on you a lot...what will that get me? Oh, wait, let me guess..."
Mike: "Katie: ACCEPTED."
Katie: "Including my ass this time?"
Mike: "Katie's ass: BANNED."Katie: "Okay, the rest of me?"
Stuart: "I have a penis. Can I be banned?"
Mike: "Katie minus ass: ACCEPTED. Penis: BANNED. Ben Folds: BANNED. Only faggots play piano and not electric guitar and drums."
Katie: "Well, I'm leaving, now...have fun with this whole yearbook thing!"
Mike: "Thank you!"
Wout: "I'm in."
Erin: "Endless amusement!"
Matt: "That was one of the fucking funniest threads I've read in a long time."
Kevin: "Yeah, I'd have to agree, this is fucking hilarious."
Mike: "Wout: BANNED. Don't play piano, faggot. Matt: ACCEPTED. Erin: BANNED. It's even more amusing when people get banned. Kevin: ACCEPTED."
Erin: "Can't argue with that. Now who's gonna make another post so I can be accepted to something?"
Mike: "Erin: ACCEPTED. Don't make another post. I command you."
Daniel: "I like papadams. Do you hear me? I LIKE PAPADAMS!"
Mike: "Daniel: banned. You suck so bad that you don't even warrant capital letters."
Adam: "Ben's a fuckin aaaaasshole...am I accepted?"
Daniel: "At least now I can lay claim to being the biggest banned loser on the loser kewl yearbook."
Mike: "Adam: ACCEPTED. Daniel: ACCEPTED for being the biggest banned loser on the loser kewl yearbook."
--Jessi: "Man panties...aka MANTIES...yes, they are real...and, apparently, people buy them..."
NJ: "They should call them He-Knickers. Just because I say so."
Laura N.: "I like a man in manties (or he-knickers, if you will)."
--Chaz: I'm having trouble thinking of a porno movie name for The Pianist..."
Michael: "How about The Penis?"
Chaz: "Thanks for ruining the joke, loser."
"Oohh...yess...oh, GOD, yes. Oh, yeah. Brushing your teeth is THAT good." --NJ
--"Nas is a fucking moron...I'd rather listen to Robin Williams for an hour than listen to a Nas song." --Brian Q.
Flip: "You don't say?"
Chaz: "No, I don't."
--"You are, indeed, a true forehead-licker." --L.
--Todd: "Why do you people do it? One thing that really gets on my tits is when topics go completely off-topic. If you're gonna do that, start a new thread, you fucks!"
Ed: "Yeah, I like cake, too."
Me: "Cake? Well, it's a tough call, but I'd have to say I honestly prefer DVD over VHS. Wait...that's not a tough call at all. At all. Don't forget the sprinkles."
Jason: "Three reasons: the pay is good, the scenery changes, and they let me us explosives. I could have watched that yesterday. Oh, well."
John: "If by 'do,' you mean 'to drive a railroad spike through another's skull'...well, well, surely, the answer is obvious. Now, where can I get some o' dat cake? I'm hungry, too, you know."
Emily R.: "I bought some new colored pencils today."
Ariel: "Don't you hate pants?"
Tim: "Not as much as I hate this rash on my arse."
Chuck: "Us and Them and after all, we're only ordinary men."
Jessi: "Time to pick up poop..."
Anna: "Look--I kept to my word, Chuck--you're still in my sig."
Max: "My genitalia feel a bit swollen today."
--John: "Ben on Tori: *shows us article in which he praises her music*"
Wout: "'Ben on Tori'? What kind of thread title is that?!"
Adam: "PIANO PORN!"
--Jason K.: "My .org password is 'jimmy.'"
Jake: "Wow...very interesting...I would've never guessed Jimmy...maybe Jim or James, but never Jimmy."
Jason: "That's what makes it such a good password, silly!"
--"...Am I still banned? I DREW YOU A GAY, PINK COOKIE, DAGNABIT!" --Erin
--"Did you know that the Humpty Dance is your chance to do the Hump?" --Sean
--"May I please be banned twice? You pickle eater." --Sean
--"I saw two forklifts flipped and then one driven through a wall by a guy on drugs...all while at work in an aluminum plant. Safety first." --Max
--"Whenever you seem Tiger Woods score, he does that thing with his fist (dear God)." --Amante
--"I should really start making coherence in my sentences, shouldnt I? Steph: 'Umm...yeah.'" --Amante
--"Here's another list, Things That Jack Carter Likes to Do: d.) vomit, 5.) play the board game RISK, 3.) lay on the newspaper while somebody is reading it, @.) listen to Tom Jones!!!111 Sex bomb!!!!1" --Jason K., posting for his cat, Jack Carter
--Jessi: "Jason doesn't like anyone."
Jason K.: "Oh, come on, now. That's not true and you would know it, if I didn't dislike you."
--"His name is Hugo; that's annoying, but forgivable." --Jason K.
--"Apparently, I once made a post telling Hugo that I read his blog about the RIAA and it made me hate him further. My anger is so extensive that I forgot about this one." --Jason K.
--"He once made a thread saying that he was leaving the board forever and ever and then came back a few days later. This is an automatic way to earn my fake intarweb ire." --Jason K.
--Me: "Where were you on the night of June 31st?"
John: "Painstakingly going over that stupid 'How Many Days in Each Month?' rhyme."
Me: "There aren't 31 days in June, so what now?"
John: "So now, suck cock or eat pussy...either way, someone feels good."
--Me: "What's the stupidest thing you've heard all day?"
John: "'You shouldn't do that.'"
--"Apathetic motherfuckers? Here." --John
--Kate: "What were your most embarrassing moments?"
Another Kate: "I'd say, when I was having cybersex with a webcam with my friend when my other friend walked in on me...always make sure the door is locked."
--"Jane could play the guitar and smile at the same time." --John
--Ed: "Where's your car?"
Paul: "In the shop. Some drunk hit me down at Carolina State Park."
Ed: "Gabby, you know you shouldn't be driving in that condition?"
Gabby: "It wasn't me!"
Me: "It was me."
Gabby: "Yeah, it was her, Stephanie hit it. Stephanie hit it with a baseball bat."
--Me: "What happened to the cabinet?"
Paul: "Gabby came in earlier, ripped the cabinet door off, and walked away without saying a word."
--"Consider yourself filled in." --Mark
--"Italics and bold are used to try and emphasize a point, like this: Food goes in your mouth...In your mouth...in your mouth."--Stephen J.
--Nate: "People are overly sensitive."
Chaz: "No, they aren't. That's a generalization! I HATE you! *screams*"
--"Oh, well. How much better could it be than masturbation? By the way, that was a rhetorical question." --Kyle S.
--"What? Sexual harrassment isnt a crime, it doesn't even exist! Now, get in there and fix me dinner, bitch!" --Adam
--"*scary voice* I know where you sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep." --Amy G.
--"There are a lot of ugly people in Ohio." --Ariel
--"People are overly sensitive. The human race is so flawed. Robots are better." --Nate
--"If you have an inkling to write...READ FIRST! READ EVERYTHING! READ FAST! FASTER! READ! NOW! NOW, DAMMIT! 'Kay." --John
--"FUCKING LOW SELF ESTEEM RULES MY PLANET. (Er...sorry.)" --John
--"Jij onbeleefde bal." --Wout's version of "Unbelievable" by EMF Translation: "You impolite ball."
--Molly: "What did you do tonight?"
Matt: "Last night? I waz chillin' with ma homies, ya' no? Groovin' to the latist mixes, smokin' a bong, doin' some chicks. Yeeeeeeee, itz all good. Well, actually, I watched Traffic on TV."
--"Go fuck yourself,
Chris" --Chris' signature
--"Take care, not speed." --John's advice for life
--"Im: "Anyone can vent:"
Jason K.: "Fuck you, Taylor Twellman. I'm done venting."
--"Let us worship Usher's rock-hard abs of steel." --Daniel
--"Wouldn't it be funny if there's no such thing as God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell, or any of that, and as soon as you died, you just stopped existing? Well, not funny, but ironic, at least..." --Adam
--"Looks like he was a mild fatty, as well." --Jason K.
--"That article made me sad in my pants..." --Luke
--Jason K.: "RIP stupid ugly kid. There will never be another one like you."
Jessica: "The DNA stops with him, thank goodness!"
--Jessica: "Walking in on parents is embarrassing. I would know, 'cause I've had the misfortune of doing it three times."
Sean P.: "I walked in on your parents twice! It was weird. Why were your parents in my room? Why?"
--Sean P.: "My friends used to have sex while I was in the room all the time. In fact, if I tried to leave, the girl got all freaked and thought her mom was going to think something was going on, so I had to stay. Well, I guess I didn't have to stay, but to make a long story short, my friend's girlfriend gave me head."
NJ: "That's the best story ever."
--Kate: "What were your most embarrassing moments?"
Kensey: "Finding out that my then-boyfriend (now-ex!) showed his entire track team a video of me giving him head."
Jason: "That sounds absolutely...*fill in appropriate adjective here*"
Sean P.: "Wonderful, awesome, delightful, excellent, beautiful, genius, amazing, inspiring, great, stupendous, supercalifragelisticexpialidocious...I mean horrible, absolutely horrible."
--"Get a clue! No, get a panda!" --Sean P.
--Matt: "Adam is 'The master.' TheFuckingMaster !!! !!!
Adam: "Your mom is the master."
Matt: "My mother is not...uh, Confucius."
Lisa: "Adam is obsessed with my mom."
--"Um, I'm sorry, but everyone knows that a true addict never stops to eat." --mazz
--"I think I can speak for them, because I buy them booze." --NJ
--"Fuck, yeah. I'm drunk and I know that..." --Jason
--"Never call me a liar again, asshole!" --Sean
--"The 'GI Joe' song was kinda cool...like that time we made up our own lyrics...'GI Jew, the real American Hebrew'...ahh, those were the days." --Brian Q.
--Melody: "What is your favorite childhood cartoon theme song?"
T: "Am I dating myself when I say 'Battle of the Planets'?"
Phil: "I dated myself once. It all ended horribly, though, when I tried to make a move."
--"So this kid, who I'll refer to as Jerkwad, was a junior at the time, dating a sophomore. He had gone out with this girl, let's call her Skank, for several months." --Mathias
--"School is eating my face." --Emily D.
--"Half the shit on TV here must have been programmed by someone's id." --Emily D., on Japanese television
--"My car is actually top of the line luxury...back in 1982. I also have a BFF sticker that I've thought of putting on it...but I'd rather save it for the hearse that I'm saving up for." --Kate
--Adam: "Ben Folds Five was huge over there, they used to do arena gigs in Japan."
Mathias: "Thank you, king of the obvious."
--"The only good thing that came from Nirvana was 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'...and Dave Grohl, he's ssssexy. I'd sleep with him, if I was gay and he was gay and our boyfriends didn't mind." --Daniel
--Mark: "I need a shave."
Me: "Shaving sucks."
Mark: "I know. But my legs will get very hairy, if I don't."
--"I say!" --Mark That will never lose its charm.
--"You can make a girl come from the other room? Wanna come over?" --Sara
--Kyle N.: "The Clash: The Greatest Band of All Time. Besides a bunch of others. But they are better than Styx, that's for damn sure."
Dacre: "Hmm...I don't really care for the Clash."
Kyle: "But, Dacre, they are better than Styx, right?"
Hugo: "The Clash BETTER than Styx? You're fucking NUTS. How dare ye shun that name in vain?"
Kyle: "Styx is the worst band of all time. 'Cept maybe REO Speedwagon."
Brian Q.: "Styx blows hole...hey, man...back off of the Wagon, though...haha, just kidding."
--"We could be thousandaires." --Ryan
--Ryan: "A weird question: If you were going to be killed--no matter what, would you rather: 1) be stabbed consistently or 2) be raped, then shot in the head? Don't ask, it was a conversation booster earlier this evening, though."
Leia: "3) Old man on the back porch."
Daniel: "Something seriously wrong there, Ryan."
Sean P.: "It would all depend on who was doing the rapin or stabbing. Is it an old man on the back porch? Because then my answer is no."
Jason: "4) Thrown off of a building."
Jason K.: "How many stabs?"
Sean: "5) Shot out of a cannon into a volcano, 6) eaten to death by mole men, 7) filthy stinkin' badgers! FILTHY STINKING BADGERS!"
Emma: "I want to freeze to death. I've heard it's pretty amazing...they have all these accounts by people who have almost frozen to death and, like...your fingers get cold first, then your hands and feet...and slowly all the heat in your body moves to the center--so you have this amazing warmth in your chest--and then you fall asleep. Pretty cool, if you ask me. But as for the question...stabbed."
Todd: "I wanna die of a heart attack whilst some expensive whore is screwing the life out of me in my mansion, surrounded by cash. I'm afraid that scores a few more points than stabbed or raped! ...What? Was it degrading to women or some shit? You people have got to sort it out!"
NJ: "I'm sorry, but the only way to die is whilst bungee-jumping. Can you imagine the imprint you'd leave on the world? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--oh, man. I'm the funniest person I know."
--Merry: "I love this like a fat kid loves cake."
Monica: "Merry, we shouldn't make fun of fat kids. We chased an ice cream truck for, like, half a mile today."
Merry: "Hell, yeah, we did...and then I got cherry on my crotch...good times, good times..."
--"I didn't know if that thing was real or a joke...but after a while, I realized it was real. Which made it that much more funny." --Brian Q.
--Stephen C.: "As for married life...it's different...I mean...you learn to stop hitting on girls and you learn that you are always wrong."
Nathan: "I learned that stuff before I even had a girlfriend..."
--"Yeah, and maybe you'll be able to buy a spell check program with your CEO husband's large salary." --Chaz's money-spending suggestions to a cheerleader, whose feelings he seems to have hurt...gimme a 'C'!
--"My mom manages an apartment complex and she one time had a tenant who was a little mentally unstable. He would call her at the office and just say, 'Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na, Batman,'over and over again in hushed tones. Then, he would drop his rent check off as if nothing happened." --Dennis
--"And she was all, 'Wuh?' and I was like, 'No, you don't!' and she was all, 'Huh?' and I was like, 'Uh-uh!'" --David To go with this poorly-timed Tori snapshot.
--"With nothing but a suitcase and a hinge-like pair of thighs, she was in trouble...girl trouble." --David again
--"I hated that Punky Brewster. She always thought she was sooooo cool. I wanted to punch her in the face!" --Emily R.
--"I have pie for you / Apple pie for you." --Someone misunderstanding the lyrics to "#1 Crush"
--"Some people are not ashamed to admit they still like Britney Spears. But, mostly, these people don't have friends." --John
--"Bad Part-Two Movies: Hey, everyone, I just wanted to start a discussion about the worst sequils ever. Let's face it, some have been pretty bad. Here are mine...Men in Black 2, Batman and Robin, TMNT 3, Rocky V." --Andrew And, no, he wasn't trying to be funny.
--L.: "Not to be a bitch, but it's...SEQUELS."
John: "But it sounds like it should be...SEQUILS...No, okay, actually, it sounds like it should be...SEEKWILS."
--Marc D.: "One way to shut the hell up: don't talk..."
John: "Another way...sing!"
--"Wait, why are we shutting the hell up?" --Emily R.
--Dixie: "Molly, can you learn to freaking spell? You give me a headache."
Molly, presumably with no sense of irony intended: "take some tylenol, ill spell how i want."
Chaz: "yea shell spell how she wants 2 lolz yuppies rulz we r gunna tkae over the world sum day! prepz rule!1!!111!"
--"THE LITTLE MERMAID 2 SUCKED BALLS." --Sara
--"Who needs to learn how to form complete sentences when you have ALL THIS MONEY?" --Chaz
--"I was listening to music in my electronic music class today and I heard the song 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' (or whatever it's called), by John Denver, and I realized how ironic the song is, and I laughed at little. Then, I felt bad. And then I stopped feeling bad and started laughing again." --Chaz
--"Yeah, the music industry lost a great when John Denver died. Boy, that guy sure could...describe mountains." --Chaz
--"So...full...of...cookies." --Chaz
--"I was at the Brookfield zoo in Chicago with my dad one summer and he was telling me about how he used to work there and he swore up and down that the monkeys liked to smoke...So he started throwing cigarettes down to the monkeys...The first time, he missed and it landed in the water, and by the second attempt, a zookeeper came storming up, exclaiming, 'What are you DOING?!' 'I'm just giving the monkeys some cigarettes.' 'Yeah, well...they don't smoke! I think you need to leave this building.'" --Chaz
--Chaz: "I was thinking, one day, about how funny it'd be to see Dracula hijacking the blood donation bus and how much funnier it'd be to see the Cookie Monster sticking it up for all of the cookies inside."
Me: "Was this after you'd had some wacky tobacky?"
Chaz: "I don't remember, so...probably."
--"If I ever see a purse-snatcher, I'm not going to try to stop him...I'll just point and laugh and call him gay for carrying a purse." --Chaz
--"When that face pops up, most people think, Oh, I'm being winked at! How nice! But the person on the other end has just been stabbed in the eye and they're asking for help." --Chaz, referring to ;)
--"I laughed at that movie. Humor was not its intention." --Erin
--"[Standardized tests suck] more than anything has ever sucked in the history of sucking." --Chaz
--"'Working hard or hardly working?' I really hate that saying. If anyone ever says that to me, I'll probably stab them in the eye." --Chaz
--"Nothing to Do but Rob It?: More 'Stick 'Em Up' Bank Heists Because of the Bad Economy." --One of the stupidest things I have ever seen on AOL--and that's saying a lot
--"How to steal a good keyboard:
1. Walk into a store with good keyboards in it.
2. Grab the keyboard.
3. Walk out the door.
4. Try not to get arrested or shot." --Daniel
--*Ecto announces finding, by chance, an extremely rare tape and asks if it's worth anything*
Noah: "Nah, it's probably nothing. Send it to me."
Adam: "Oh, no, no one will ever care about it. Send it to: *gives address* And use Priority Mail. I'll just, erm...wipe it. Yes."
Justin P.: "HEY! I lost that just prior to the self-titled release! Those bastards must've taken it. Okay, just mail it to me and we'll call it even."
--"I do not own a gun, but I do have many sharp instruments with which I could cut you. I am going to move somewhere where it is legal to club baby seals." --Sean P.
--Lacy: "Aunt Ann is here."
Me: "Is she whistling? Is she making biscuits? Does she have the hiccups? Is she carrying the dog around like it's a baby? Is she...wearing a huge sombrero?"
Lacy: "Not yet. But I'm sure it'll happen."
--Amante: "im back."
Me: "Who's back and why should I IM him?"
Amante: "Amante."
Me: "Amante = back?"
Amante: "Yep."
Me: "May I call you that in public?"
Amante: "No, you must call me...*long pause* I don't know. I couldn't think of anything."
--"When I have sex on a piano, I want someone to be playing an etude in Bb minor." --Jason
--Jason: "I wish I knew how to strip speaker wire."
Me: "Chew through it!"
Jason: "I tried."
--"Where ya' been all my weekend?" --Mark
--"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel." --Mark
--*Mark IM's me just as I arrive online*
Me: "You're quick."
Mark: Not in bed."
Me: "Baaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahah!"
Mark: "You love it."
Me: "I love it and I beg for more."
Mark: "I say!"
--"Walking may help get you to your destination, but does it help you get away from your starting point? Yes, it does." --John
--"My mom started walking a half-mile a day for health two years ago. Today, we have no idea where she is." --Dave (smile)
--"I'm this many yeaws owd today. Why, I'm old enough to be Paul's--younger brother. Much younger brother." --Dave
--"[You're] muddy blue. Ha! Betcha didn't know blue could be muddy, did you?" --KP
Me: "What are your thoughts on jalapeeppers?"
Jason: "I lahke um. Err...ah lahke um."
--"There's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again! I used to think the .org was to blame for all of my procrastination. It was why I never got homework done, why I never went to bed on time, why I never got out of my room and did something productive or social. But when the .org went down, I realized something. I realized that even though there was no longer anything interesting to look at, I still just sat at the computer and stared at the screen." --Kelly
--"Yes, I'm a dork...but that's what I do." --Ally
--"I am dude." --Paul (Snooza)
--"If you're a whore, could you at least not BE FAT? Jesus, that's the least I expect from whores." --Jason (gas)
--"Oh, I believe you. Barely." --Jason
--Jason: "Okay. For the past five nights, I've watched Boondock Saints. Along with something else.
Me: "Hey, there's nothing wrong with showin' a movie some love."
Jason: "But I feel like it's my whore. I'm gonna overuse it. And it won't put out."
--Mark: "Hey, lad."
Matt: "Oh, my god. You have to see IT."
Mark: "Seen IT, mate. Came out in 1992. Starring Tim Reid."
Matt: "No, mate, not 'Sister, Sister.'"
Mark: "No, 'It.'"
Matt: "He was in 'It'?
Mark: "Aye."
Matt: "Compulsory Negro #4?"
Mark: "Compulsory Negro #4."
--"Hey, slut! I'm sendin' your parents a letter tellin' 'em you're a whore!" --Martha Stewart
--"I like how, when you're younger, you're a smartass, but when you're older, you're witty." --Chaz
--"If someone invented a way of waking me up that didn't involve my senses, that would be cool." --Phillip
--"If you don't get the H out of my house soon, homicide won't just be an early 90's cop drama." --Tim
--"Personally, I can't stand yuppies. I have the perfect opportunity to become one when I'm older, though. I could stay exactly where I am; grow up and get the big high-salary job, but I'm NOT GOING TO. Why? I have principles. I'd rather not work for a company that destroys the local environment; supports our "president" George W. Bu$h (among many other Republicans); makes the already massive hole in the ozone layer EVEN BIGGER as a result of the majority of their employees four-wheeling their way to and from work every day in their gargantuan SUVs (especially when 90 percent of them are family, and could easily carpool). No, I'm NOT going to. Fuck money, fuck power, and fuck the yuppie lifestyle (if you want to call that living). Yeah, I had to vent. Sorry. I do enjoy golf, though." --Chaz
--"'Why won't Mary Bichner marry me? Is it because I havent' asked or is there a greater issue at the center of this?'" --Dacre, poking fun
--"I mean, get over it. If you don't like it, go jerk off and let it all out. It'll all go away in five minutes. Why is my answer to everything to jerk off? *shrugs*" --NJ
--"It doesn't matter to me whether you're selling religion or just raffle tickets for the local fair, don't come to my front door unless I know you or you're carrying the pizza I ordered or there's some real emergency happening that doesn't involve my soul." --John
John: "Um...how long did you say you've been out?"
Me: "Out of the loop? Those bastards replaced me with a robot seven months ago to the day...tomorrow."
John: "Nah, you're the same robot."
Me: "'I went to work / Sat on a stool / On early Friday morning / And that's when they / Changed the microchip / And I was not the same after that / They opened my back / Fucked with some screws / And after they closed me back up / I sat down / I looked around / I was not the same after'...oh, shoot me."
John: "'I see your lights blink on / At the top of your head / You come knockin' at my door / All metallic and red / You've got no tricks left / ...Except simple math.' *shoots you, shoots self*"
John: "I hate when yer above me. *stomps*"
Me: "Above you? You like to be on top of things, huh?...Sorry, not funny."
John: "No, that was good. I had my finger on my nose and was pointing."
--"I tell you, because I know you wanna know." --John
--"Death is yeah." --John
--"What the fuck? The ice cream man is out at fuckin' almost 9 o' clock at night. I think he's selling weed at night." --Amante
--"Are you the snowman?" --Amante's mom, on what to say to the weed-dealing ice cream man
--"HAHAHAHA! DOUBLE HAAHAHHAHAHAHA!" --John
--Jay: "Remember when Jewel was good?"
John: "I thought this was a rhetorical question. Was Jewel really good at one time?"
--"God, remember Tab cola? It was so nasty, possibly the worst soft drink ever, even worse than Crystal Pepsi. I'll always think of Tab as the beverage of choice for child molesters, because I knew this creepy old man who drank it and he must have been a child molester, because all old people are child molesters." --Heather V., at random
--"Dammit. Now I'm craving Tab. If only this were 1968." --Leslie
--"Sorry for the clich鳻 I wanted to offer support, but it came off like Velveeta." --Matt
--Jay: "Remember when Jewel was good?"
CD: "'Remember when country songs used to tell a story? Introducing Classic Country: Great Story Songs! from Time Life Music!'"
--"The only thing that'd look good on Christina Aguilera is an 18-wheeler at top speed." --Chaz
--"Amante is inviting you to join the chatroom, "hahhaaha i beat chrono cross". --A message from AOL
--"*John has left, all the better for this coinversation*" --John's parting shot
--Brian R.: "I've got the blues."
Andrea: "I bet some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese could fix that for ya'."
--"You have a grilled cheese maker! I'm so envious." --Justin
--"What on gods beautiful earth are you singing?" --Amante
--"What in the Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?" --Nicole's sig
--"Link me, bizzatch. Danke, schoen." --Mark
--Me: "I'm going to have to bring the H4RDC0R3 fan out, methinks."
Mark: "F4n, surely."
--"It's kind of up in the air at the moment. <--not a pun." --Mark, on British marijuana possession laws
--"Man, why do people always associate some weird thing someone does with their sex? 'Oh, he did something weird...STUPID BOYS!' Why not associate it with their hair color or number of wisdom teeth, instead?" --Grant
--Me: "But what will they do when Jon Stewart retires? What?!"
Chaz: "'The Daily Show with Christopher Walken.' That's what'll happen."
--"And by hilarious, I mean: really fucking weird." --Chaz
--Grant: "Mayo makes my taste buds form angry pitchfork-wielding mobs that attack my brain for letting me eat that shit."
Katie: "Sounds like a party. That's what happens when I eat olives. I start spazzing out."
--"I wish a guy would say, 'Bagel,' to me, hah. Well...not really. But, oh, well. I just wanted to fit in. DON'T JUDGE ME!" --Mara
--"Your high school whore fucked Lieutenant Dan?" --Andrea
--"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? DUNNO? Answer: 'Where's my tractor?'" --Rhona
--"Well, what else are we to make fun of people for, if we can't see what they look like?" --Grant
--"That's what you get for going into a chatroom called 'Sex.'" --Mark
--"I almost convinced myself to eat turkey. My argument: they are so fucking dumb. They, like, look up during rainstorms and drown." --Mara, a vegetarian
--"Throughout the history of mankind, billions of trillions of good ideas have been thought up, but only .000000000000000001% have actually gotten done, because people had to run away from prehistoric animals, take out their Roman trash..." --Brian E.
--"I'm glad you said that, so I didn't have to five hours ago..." --Jason
--"How terrifying would it be...on a scale of one to ten...if George W. Bush got on TV tonight and started twitching? He held a briefcase in his hand, handcuffed to his wrist? He said, 'Well, I just wanted to address the rest of the world outside of America, tonight. Especially the Europeans. And I'd just like to say, fuck you. It is now open season on everyone who is an enemy of the United States'? Then, he twitches some more, looking like he's fighting to control some inner demon? He says, 'There's a new sheriff in town. That is all'? Then, he opens the briefcase, sets it on his desk, and looks like he's pushing buttons? And the presidential seal comes up on the screen and it's been adapted to look like a big sheriff's badge?" --Dixie
--"I thank you in advance for your misunderstanding." --John
--"I'd give four million just to be able to take a piss without it hurting." --John, thinking wishfully
--"How the fark are my bitches and hoes?" --Laura
--"It sounds like the soles of your shoes. Introducing the new Airwalk Advance with microgroove technology." --Racheal
--Me: "'Raise it up. / Raise it up. / Raise it up. / Raise it up."
Racheal: "Raise it up."
--"GOOD! CRY IT UP, BITCH!" --Jason
--Jason: "I WILL DESTROY YOU. DON'T EVEN PUSH ME TO THAT POINT."
Racheal: "Don't worry, you will be down before I have the chance to push you to that point, BIOTCH!"
Jason: "Excuse me?"
Racheal: "*kicks it in the junk* Does that help explain things, Jason?"
--"Oh, now he is pissed. I know, because he broke out the Comic Sans BOLD." --Racheal
--"BIOTCH! BOO-YAH! WHAT NOW?!" --Jason
--"*kicks it in the junk* You are no competition for me...and my junk kickingness." --Racheal
--"I hate you. I hate you and your face so goddamn much." --Jason
--"I look good in leather...don't you wish you were looking like me?" --Racheal
--"I bet I could really rack it up on my pedometer with all the kicking in the junk I could do." --Racheal
--"I have to have my ego stroked, among other things." --Racheal
--"I sleep with everybody, EXCEPT my neighbor." --Racheal
--"Wow, and on that [note], I'm out like a fat kid in some clich餠analogy." --Kevin G.
--"Haha...'Down where it's wetter.'" --Adam
--"*realizes that if he were a mermaid guy, he'd be NAKED...wants desperately to be a mermaid guy*" --Adam
--"When I hit my deer...it hit the ground hard...then, it ran off to die. I didn't even get to ride it." --Ariel
--"Haha, have a ONE!" --Laura
--"My name is Superman. I like to fly into things." --Stan
--Adam: "Poltergeists...God damned ghosts...keep unplugging the toaster, keep messing my with my piano when I'm asleep...shit, it's annoying."
Ariel: "Those aren't ghosts...that's me."
Adam: "That's not the toaster plug you're playing with."
--"Poultergeist? Is that chicken?" --Felix, presumably mocking a misspelling
--"Have you ever glanced at your arm with no watch while telling someone something and then just continued your story as if you had actually seen the time on your arm?" --Girl Commenting on World's Dullest Blog It's funny because it's true.
--"Yeah. I'm TOTALLY busy. I'm not, at all." --Chaz
--Me: "Which is why you've a pet chimp now...isn't it?"
John: "I'm not going to do the ironing."
--"What genius went through your iris? (title of my memoir) Used to be called: I've Put Something Sharp through My Left Eye." --John
--John: ":grabs pencil: 'Steph quotes Tori; if you don't understand her, she may be quoting Tori...or any old thing, actually.' *breaks point on pencil accidentally; senses ghost in room; wonders where Zip [the dog] went; hears eerie muzak*"
Me: "*Zip flies by the window outside*"
--"Work on that or I will scare you." --John
--Me: "Aww, woord up, dawg."
Chaz: "Yo, yo, yo...yo."
Me: "What up in da hizzouse?"
Chaz: "*goes back to being white* Not a thing."
--Matt: "I'm off...got a redhead on the phone."
Mark: It's his mum!"
Matt: "Mark...it's your daddy, actually."
--"If she was an actual person, I would say I wish she'd die, but since she's a cartoon character, I'd just make an ass out of myself." --Scarlet
--Jen: "There is no way that I am a 'loser.'"
Kelly: "There is every way. Every way."
--"We're all gonna dah!" --Jason
--"If you had an e-Movie Notebook, you'd save yourself a lot of pain. That is, unless you just bang your head on the monitor." --Chaz
--"Too strange to be funny, which is VERY strange." --Chaz
--"Who needs to read when you can have ALL THAT CHICKEN?!" --Chaz
--"Mindless? Predictable? Could it be a take-off on Pillow Talk?" --John
--Sarah: "AH! Waking Life! *twitches* I'm still fucked. That movie...hoo..."
Emily (Rainbow): "Fully!"
--"Have I told you how much I LOVE pop-up ads? *shoots people*" --Chaz
--"I DON'T WATCH WB. What do you take me for?" --Christine
--"Maybe that would matter, if it was called 'Politically Incorrect with Ben Folds,' but it's not." --Jason K.
--"My favorite part of that episode was when Jason called Hugo a retard and Hugo, like, totally ignored him." --John
--"This was my favorite sequence: 'Bill Maher is a fucking idiot.' --Dixie, 4:56 p.m. 'He's not an idiot...' --Dixie, 5:13 p.m." --Nathan
--"WatercolorTheft" --John's suggestion for a screenname
--"nevercouldkeep: 'I dig that OWS.'
orgyboy: 'Yeah, but she cram dat confuzed down my throat.'
nevercouldkeep: 'Yeah, me, too...and used to like that movie.'"
--John, supposing a conversation between us, where OB is him and NCK and OWS are me.
--"*Post for Mr. Bullgoose. Post for Mr. Bullgoose. A Mr. Bullgoose. A Mr. Bull-goose. I'm sorry, no one's answering. Shall I keep dialing?*" --John
--"I'm going to three Tori Amos/Ben Folds shows. It's like seeing God AND Jesus in the same show!" --Leslie
--"Ben should play the hulk!" --Paco
--Felix: "I love 'Afternoon Delight.'"
John: "No, you don't."
--Mark: "Even worse, though...IS WHEN PEOPLE TALK LIKE THIS!"
Me: "WHEN PEOPLE TALK LIKE THIS I SAY GIVE ME MORE!!!"
Mark: "I SAY."
--"I love you all, except for the ones that I hate, in which case, you can go to Hell safely knowing that i do not, in fact, love you." --Adam
--Nathan: "Jesus, this is like reading a schizophrenic's diary."
John: "No, it's not! Yes, it is! Don't listen to him! Who are you calling him! Excuse me, miss! Excuse yourself and sod off! Can't we all just get along? That's my knee. Oh."
--"I must paint bunnies now." --John
--"Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?He made himself an offer he couldn't understand." --Jessica Heh heh...for Peter.
--"Go fuck yourself--or a dead baby. Am I PMS-ing today or fucking what?" --Chris
--"A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, 'My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?' The guy goes upstairs and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, 'Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you.' The first daughter says, 'That's not true.' He says, 'I'll prove it.' He yells down the stairs, 'Both of them?' His friend yells back, 'Of course, both of them.'" --Sean
--"This guy is sitting in his living room, surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, 'You fucking asshole!' and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, 'Now what have I done?' Inside the bedroom, he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, 'My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!' The man responds, 'Wow, you're pretty smart, for a twelve-year-old.'" --Sean
--"And I don't see what's wrong with calling someone a pile of sticks..." --Matt, when chastised for calling someone a "faggot"
--"Holy, holy fuck." --Matt
--"Two blondes are walking through a forest and they come across some tracks. The first blonde says, 'It's badger tracks.' The other says, 'It's deer!' While they're arguing over this a train comes and knocks them down." --Rhona
--"A woman is lying in her hospital bed, recuperating after an intense twelve-hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy. Moments later, the hospital room door opens and in walks the delivery nurse, carrying the baby boy...Suddenly, the nurse throws the baby on the floor, kicks it against the wall, picks it up, and twirls it around several times, before throwing it out the window. Bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and yells, 'MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY?!' The nurse chuckles a little to herself. 'April Fools,' she says, 'He was already dead.'" --Emma (mixed with an old version Josiah once told me)
--CD: "I didn't like him, but since Sean hates him, I think that Adam Corolla is misunderstood and a great, great man."
Sean: "You so stupid! I never said I didn't like Adam Corolla. So bully on you, then. Tally ho!"
--"Apparently, they think they have extremely long reproductive organs." --Matt
--"That went well...um...no." --Chris
--"You know what I love? You guys. Yep. Oh, and watermelon." --Racheal
--"I would like to thank Ben Folds for his amazing music. And my mom, for giving birth to me all those many years ago. And to my ex-girlfriend...oh, wait, no, not her, she's a fucking whore." --Paul S.
--"Two blondes walk into a building...you think one of them would have noticed it!" --Rhona
--"I was chillin' up in my crib last night listening to some of my jams. All of a sudden, this bigass muthafucka bird slams into my damn window. I say, "Maaaan, I'm bout to shoot that piece of sheeeet." So I go down to my 'hood at Dutchman Acres and break out my two-barrel shotgun and teach that bird some knowledge. Rockin' out like some dead sea weed." --Nathan
--"Needless to say, I'm ready to eat my own testicles." --Brian K.
--"I am drunk on the mystery that is Rhona. Who knows what evil lurks in mens' souls? Rhona knows!" --Sean
--"We all eat applesauce." --Sean
--"I was distracted by his uncanny resemblance to Colonel Sanders." --Claire
--"If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and is called The Matrix: Reloaded, then it's shit." --Sean
--"If I had the slightest inkling what that meant, I'd defrost a chicken." --John
--"*goes to 7-11, buys a newspaper* What the fuck? Bush is still the president?" --John
--"Sundrop? You people are freaks." --Laura
--"CHAIN ME TO THE FUCKIN' BASEMENT WALL AGAIN, SOMEONE, PLEASE." --John
--Laura: "Don't you guys ever get sick of innuendo?"
*long pause*
Jason: "Fuck, no."
Me: "Not me."
--Chris (king): "Are you still in high school or what?"
Matt (fubu): "Yes."
Chris: "Well, can't argue with that, now, can I?"
--"I know nothing of these pants/trousers/slacks that you people speak of." --Seth
--"I am silent like the cheddar." --Leia Unfortunately, h4w h4w.txt was not available during the entire cheddar conversation, which could make up a quotes page in itself.
--"Sandwiches!" --Barb
--"I wear nothing but leg warmers...FUCKING LEG WARMERS! Yeah, buddy." --Brian A.
--Jessi, under the guise of .OrgWhore: "How about everyone goes naked?"
Matt (fubu): "I was waiting for you to say something, you whore."
--Adam: "Doing it on the piano: discuss."
Ariel: "It's a long-term goal of mine..."
--"Oh, well. I am still out here...reading and filling in the void. Whatever that means." --Racheal
--"Slacking is so underrated." --Kate
--"True, it makes you want to rip out your intestines and strangle yourself with them, but at least you'll stay awake..." --Jason, on the music of A.C.
--"Man, things keep reminding me of crawfish, today." --Erin
--"You guys were fucking weird. I would go outside at recess and bat four-four with six RBI's and then come in and read. Then, I'd go to Pizza Hut and beat up other kids for their Book-It prizes." --CD
--"INDIE PIZZA!" --Ally
--"Man, junior high school was a bitch. It caused me to like bad pop music." --Sean G.
--"My bad opinions have been stated." --Evan
--"Grease 3: Proof that humanity has overstayed its welcome on Planet Earth." --Adam
--"Good, so I'm not clinically insane, after all. *attempts to bite shoulder*" --Brian R.
--Adam: "Sacrilegious FREAKS."
Minnie: "Well. Yeah, I guess you're right."
--"DIE SCREAMING WITH FLAMING SHARP OBJECTS IN YOUR HEAD!" --Adam
--"Cheerios are the new crack." --Andrew
--Kate: "Um, hello? Team Cheerios. Don't hate."
Mathias: "I stand by my remarks."
--"I don't hate you. I should, but I can't." --Jason
--"I'm always right. I don't even care if I'm not always right, I am. No, wait, I do care if I'm not always right, even though I ALWAYS AM." --Kasey
--"When I'm thinking of something that ROCKS!, skim milk is NEVER included. I think that Metallica rocks or getting oral sex, but skim milk...C'MON!" --Max P.
--Lacy: "I can't stop when it comes to you, Stephanie."
Me: "I feel the same way, Lacy--what're we gonna do?" Excerpts from an old tape Lacy and I made with music (in this case, Garbage's "Vow")
--"DO YOU WANT A COOKIEEEEEEEEEEEE? OWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" --Lacy Further excerpts.
--Lacy: "Okay, we all hate Aerosmith, so why don't we just shut up?" Long pause.
Me: "Because PINK is my fav-o-rite CUH-LAH." You get the deal.
--Lacy, at random: "I know this girl named Savannah and you will NEVER GUESS what she is."
Me: "Um, what, gay? I don't know!"
--"Stephanie, I am not going to strangle myself around you." --Lacy
--Lacy: "This song's by Simon and Garfunkel."
Me: "?Es Simi>! ?Es Simi> y Garfunkel!"
Lacy: "No, it's Simon!"
Me: "?Es Sim
Lacy: "It's SIMON!"
Me: "?Es SIMӎ!"
Lacy: "SIMON!"
Me: "?SIMӎ!"
Lacy: "It's Simon! Let's ask this guy over here!"
Me: "Es. ?Simi>!"
Lacy: "No, let's ask this guy. What's your name? *deep, masculine voice* It's Simon. *normal voice* See?"
--Lacy: "I like this guy...he was black once...and now he's white."
Me: "Yeah, he had a race change operation."
Lacy: "Yeah, and then he had this song called 'Black or White' to say that that's okay."
--Lacy: "Stephanie's a ho."
Me: "Lacy's dirty."
Lacy: "Oh, yeah? Well, you're a--beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
Me: "See? That proves what I just said."
Lacy: "Oh, yeah? Well, you look like Cheryl!"
Me: "Oh, yeah? Well, you look like Cher!"
Lacy: "I'd rather look like Cher than Cheryl."
Me: "Oh, yeah? Well, you're a...dirty ho!"
--"Shutting up is not my priority." --Lacy
--*car passes with Radiohead sticker in back window* "Too bad our car horn doesn't play 'Karma Police.'" --Nathan
--Amy C.: "Has anyone actually had 25 girlfriend?"
Grant: "I have, but 24 were inflatable."
--"Answering two questions in one: priceless. Everything else = porn." --Chaz
--"I watched Weird Science at work, today. You can all hate me now." --Chaz
--Mark: "I'm listening to ELO."
Grant: "I'm sorry."
--"I spit these rhymes / And you know they be heavy / You best watch out / I give chase like Chevy." --Chaz's rap
--Sarah K.: "What are your favorite movie sex scenes?"
Paco: "I like the one where you SHUT YOUR STUPID COMPUTER DOWN AND SIT IN THE DARK."
--"I think sex scenes are what the Harry Potter movies are missing." --Adam
--"The best sex scene in a movie is the one in Old Yeller, when Yeller has gone rabid and the mom bends over to pick up the laundry. Then, they had to shoot him. That was funny." --Sean
--"Oh, another good sex scene was in Leaving Las Vegas, when Nicholas Cage's goofy-looking ass is watching Elisabeth Shue pour liquor on herself and she's all like, 'Oooooh, I love the way this Jack Daniels feels on my skin,' and he's all like, 'Holy shit, I can't believe you are wasting a good bottle of Jack, you dumb prostitute.' Then, he tries to drink all the alcohol off of her and accidentally ends up fucking her." --Sean
--Jessi: "The Piano had a sex scene...it was hot and awkward and tense and romantic all at the same time..."
Adam: "Mmm, piano sex scenes...I've always found the prospect of doing it atop a piano to be rather invigorating...what were we talking about, now?"
--"I'm deeply aroused. And want to hear a blow-by-blow. No pun intended." --Dixie
--"A woman gets head? I...I didn't...I didn't know such a thing were possible." --Aaron
--"Doin' it school lunch style..." --Grant
--"I smell bread...imbred." --Matt
--"What's that sound in here? Sounds kinda like that guy from the B-52's who says, 'Bring your juke box money!'" --Dixie
--"So, wait, everyone is allowed to argue and dump shit on each other and crap, but we can't even call each other losers? Strange world we live in..." --Phil
--"You bananana bitch!" --Sean
--"Water is for people who don't want to dehydrate and die, you pussy!" --Sean, against water
--"I think the best sex scene EVAR is the second scene in Bikini Hoe Down. True, the woman had a horrific Southern accent, but, my god, that was a brilliant scene." --Jason
--"Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy / And I feel like eating you!" --Sean's quote/comment on oral sex
--Joel: "Does anybody know exactly where in Boston the WXRV Riverfest is?"
Sean: "It's by the river!"
--"Steph is St0nD 2 tHu MaX." --Chaz
--"A couple of girls who appear poised to go down on each other beneath a tree catch your eye for a bit, but you remind yourself that it is rude to stare." --Nathan's Choose Your Own Loser Adventure
--"It's getting loud in herre / So turn down all your...volume...knobs." --Chaz
--Grant: "I'm late."
Me: "Your period, Grant?"
Grant: "YEAH. I'm scared."
Me: "Uh-oh. You know what that means. *rubs Grant's belly* There's a BABY in there!"
Grant: "It just kicked my vertebrae."
Chaz: "Grant ate a baby?"
--Wout: "If you get the next three ones, you get a cookie."
Seth: "Yea!"
Me: "What kind of cookie?"
Wout: "A poisoned cookie."
Seth: "Yea!"
--"There's something about having to have milk with your oatmeal..." --Lacy
--"Est-ce que c'est VIOLET la?" --Wout
--"Pshaw *rolls eyes* Coin" --Chaz's suggestion for a child's name
--"I have no job, 'cause Domino's wouldn't let me wear a scarf on the job. Assholes." --Jessica
--"Oh, come on. You know you want the dork points." --Jason
--"Web searches are a beautiful thing...Did I just say that?" --JJ
--"DAMN YOU, NEWBIE! No dork points for you." --Jason
--"Everyone whose last name isn't Five, please, get off the bus." --Kelly
--Joel: "If I were to buy a They Might Be Giants CD, which one should I buy first?"
Ariel: "Clearly, you should buy yourself Apollo 18...'cause that's my favorite. I'm partial and impose my views on people."
--"I want to read some good old cross-Atlantic bashing. Not political, mind you, more personal, psychological." --Dixie
--Daniel: "Next, you'll be telling us that your real name isn't I Want [Heather] More Than More."
Jason K.: "No, that is true."
--"Reminds me of Michael Jackson, for some reason--now, THERE'S a mental image that will keep you awake at night." --Laura
--"Chimps can go from limp to pimp in eight seconds." --Kyle
--"When do I get an NJ to my Jason?" --Adam
--"Hey, hey...make love, not mean comments." --Katie
--"You want me. You know you want me. You probably don't. You just called me a liar." --Jason
--"I shouldn't be listening to 311 right now. It's turning up my lame-o points." --Jason
--"Well, all right. I'll believe you. But only because you're Stephanie." --Jason
--"Who is like a philisophical conundrum?" --Jason K.
--"I agree with everyone, except Grant. Okay, maybe I agree with Grant, too." --Andy
--"Do me a favor and burn in Hell." --Adam
--"I wasn't readily accepted. Grant forced me to download music from him. And then gave me a swirly." --Mike
--"Ha ha. You said 'sphinx tour.'" --Mark
--"I came online drunk, once. It was like this: 'siaiive beenesen drinkakainking!'" --Mark
--"He da (slightly cross-eyed) man." --Mark, on Ben Kweller
--"HEY! Don't be unhappy, I'm just lying to you!" --Wout
--"That's what jerks are for, silly!" --Wout
--*Grant enters*
Grant: "Am I interrupting anything?"
Wout: "World peace. Go away."
*Grant leaves*
--"Freddie's sleepin',
Sleepin' on his keyboard.
He got drunk at the soccer game,
'Cause his team kicked ass.
The crowd, they all sang, 'We love you, Woutie,'
And Freddie was beside himself,
But he still can't tell
Who the fuck this 'Woutie' is...
(Oh, I'm playing an imaginary guitar now, by the way.)" --Me
--"Yea, Fluffy!" --John
--Hugo: *on Jenga*: "Good drinking game when you're fucked-up."
Grant: "I bet that game lasts upward of two seconds. 'WHOOPS, I MADE IT FALL. *laughs*'"
--Hugo: "Twister's good when you're naked..."
Grant: "And alone..."
--"My chain has been so jerked with." --Grant And it was meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
--"Like 1890's! Deluxe!" --John
--"You selfish prickface." --Grant
--"YES, GIVE IT TO ME, BEN FOLDS FIVE CHAT!" --Adam
--"Spork porn?" --Hugo
--"That definitely deserves a: WTF." --Hugo
--"You think I'm gay, don't you?" --Wout
--"I'm telling you! Chat room sitcom!" --Grant
--"Laura's guerila typing style is more hilarious than all of us combined." --Grant
--"Laura, are we having an ARGUMENT? ARE WE?" --Wout
--"I'll call agratn!" --Wout
--"*late Fluffy*" --Wout
--"I'll tell you who's a freak! Steph is!" --Wout
--Grant: "Steph is a freak? VIOLATION of the rules."
Me: "Which rules?"
Grant: "'Don't insult Steph.' Rule #1."
--"That's right. Drunk. Just say it. Just THROW it in my FACE." --Wout
--"It's like people that name their kid Jeeves and wonder what he'll be when he grows up." --Chaz
--"'Sexcuse me'? I'm going to say that to girls." --Grant
--John: "Gah-die, mate."
Wout: "That's just pirate jargon."
--"'And how did the new Chrysler stand up to the Celine Dion impact test?'" --Chaz
--"He's having a heart attack and a strange craving for seafood!" --Chaz
--"I feel like it's raining cake." --Brian I.
--"I'm a Brian, too; it seems like most male names mean 'noble and strong' or something like that. They're not gonna come up with a name that means 'dependent, drunken social misfit who hangs out at the laundromat to pick up chicks, only to be repeatedly splattered with detergent by overconfident women.' I'm not referring to myself; I'm just proving a point." --Brian I.
--"I can't use scissors left-handed and I can't play chess, no matter which hand I use." --Wout
--"There's nothing wrong with being a loser! (something I've repeated over and over to myself for quite some time)" --Marvin
--"I was the vice-president of the Loser Club...but I lost the job, because I sucked SOOO much." --Dacre
--"Me and Avril are like THIS, baby." --Dacre
--"Jooce: The Official BenFolds.org Milli Vanilli Historian?." --Sean G.
--"May your ears find '80's bliss." --Marvin
--"For those of you who are stupid enough to think I was talking to you, that last one was for Nathan." --Heather V.
--"You owe someone some sweaty meat sex." --JT
--"Twenty-five girlfriends is a lot, but Ben is the man--or not the man, I can't tell, yet." --Kevin
--"If there is [a Ben Folds Five reunion], I think it'll be Ben and two other guys calling themselves Ben Folds Five just to piss people like us off." --Andy
--"I'm just sayin'...British Knights were good shoes. I bet Ben Kweller used to wear them." --Andy
--"If good music was popular, then who would I have to hate?" --Ryan
--"*dies multiple times*" --Wout
--"Yeah, see? I'm never wrong. Well, except that one time. But her head grew back." --Jason
--"YOU'RE JUST SO GODDAMN ADDICTING!" --Jason Ha!
--"What's the NBA?" --Jason Ha HA!
--"Another testament to the gayness that is SCRATCH." --Bob
--"I really wanted to talk about nothing with you." --Amante
--Jason's Friend Paul's AIM Away Message: "Talk to my computer, 'cause I'm busy."
Jason: "Fuck you computer. Bring me a doughnut. And a cup of coffee. And a TV. And a pack of cigarettes. And your mom. Goddamn, I want your mom, computer. And that Paul guy...he's a douchebag. I hate his fucking face. More than you could ever imagine. Goddamn, computer. You're fucking boring."
*Paul signs off seconds later*
--"I'm gay? I guess I should inform my boyfriend." --Stephanie F.
--Brian I.: "Think what you want about old Brian, here, but don't try to find me in any alternative lifestyle magazines."
Grant: "I'll look for whoever I please in alternative lifestyle magazines."
--"Heheheh...the fire is in their pants...'Quick, to put it out, put that bit, there, in this bit, here...It's like a "Build Your Own Cabinet" session.' My grandfather is a retired French philosopher, by the way, so there's the authority on that particular illustrative simile." --Dacre
--"I'm hilariously offended." --Brian I.
--Megan, after she is accused of being a Nazi: "I WANT SOME GODDAMN EXPLANATION. RIGHT NOW."
Grant: "Only Nazis yell."
Megan: "I wasn't yelling; I was speaking in an elevated tone."
--"Subway Monkey Hour!" --Jason K., (seemingly) at random
--Mara: "Jason, I'd decapitate a whore for you."
Jason: "Aww, that's so...sweet?"
--"I'd definitely decapitate a whore for Matt Damon." --Mara
--"I'd decapitate a whore for you, Jason, but I'd kill a stranger with a knife for Ethan Embry." --Mara
--Mara: "You see, I'd decapitate a whore for you, Jason, but I wouldn't kill a stranger with a knife."
Jason: "Well, that's awfully nice of you."
--"I'd decapitate a ho for Mark." --Mara
--"Answer me, dammit!" --Mara
--Jason: "Drop that Mario Sunshine crap and start Zelda NOW!"
Mark: "I need to immerse myself fully in it. No distractions."
Me: "'Immerrrrrse your souuuuuuuuul in Zeldaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.'"
Mark: "That sounds strangely hypnotic, Steph."
Me: "Better than immersing your soul in love, too. More fun."
Mark: "I bring you love!"
Me: "In that case--gimme gimme gimme!"
Jason: "Mark, can you bring me English hookers?"
Mark: "I can try."
--"Many a night I've spent crusing the red-light district, rolling down the windows and shouting at the whores." --Mark
--Mark: "Natch."
Mara: "Natch?"
--Jason: "Y'know, I'm thinking about going and legally changing my name to DV King."
Mara: "Please, don't."
--"I'd disown you as a friend if you were Jasonvulkan." --Mara
Jason: "Should my name be DV or Jason?"
Mark: "Actually, it should be J450N."
--Mara: "What the fuck is 1337?
Mark: "It means you R0X0R or something."
--Mara: I'm leaving. GOOD DAY, SIR."
Jason: "NO. Er..N0."
Mara: "I SAID, GOOD DAY, SIR!"
--"Do the Mario!" --Mark (twice!)
--"I was about to drown and I talked to this guy and I stopped drowning." --Jason
--Jason: "Okay. Question: Should I risk overdrawing my bank account again to go get dinner?"
Mark: "No. Beg for food."
Jason: "Good deal."
--"Steph likes cock. Oh, wait...Crock." --Mark Country Crock, to be exact.
--Mark: "I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
Jason: "Me, too. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter isn't butter."
Mark: "I can't believe that."
Jason: "You lie!"
--"It sucks my balls with teeth."
Mark: "I say."
--Jason: "I just put my sail up and I'm not moving. That's great."
Mark: "Enough about your sex life."
--"I should. And I won't." --Jason
--"GRRAH! I'm getting attacked by fucking vultures!" --Jason
--"Be careful. I think we're getting more normal by the second." --Nathan
--Me: "Forgive my ignorance, but what is a minger?"
Mark: "A person who's been beaten with the ugly stick."
--"I look evil with a beard." --Mark
--"I'm thinking about changing my name to Dr. Radical." --Mark
--Me: "Rock on."
Mark: "Rock off."
--Jason: "*lights a joint* Yeah, man."
Me: "Hey, cut that shit out. *tosses it out the window*
Jason: "HEY! Why'd you do that? :'( "
Me: "'Cause I hate the fuckin' smell."
Jason: "*picks up the joint, tosses Steph out the window*"
--Me: "Eww, I hate coffee. And McDonald's."
Jason: "Well, I hate you!"
--Heather V.: "Evil in Athens: TONIGHT. FIND ME AND YOU GET A COOKIE. *hides*"
Wout: "I'll DO it! But only if you're referring to Athens, Greece."
--"Hahaha. Ahem. Freaks." --Mara
--"Steph took me to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty." --Mark
--"Jesus. I'm gonna need a goddamn crane to get my mind out of the gutter..." --Jason
--"If it was my dog, it wouldn't be in a bun." --Mark
--Me: "I love my dogs. I had three. Now, I have two."
Mark: "Hey, now, Steph. I'm your dog."
--Me: "I hear crickets."
Jason: "Yea!"
--Kyle S.: "Sex is daunting."
Adam: "When someone makes a 'Makin' love in a Canadian cornfield?' thread, I'll be interested."
Kyle: "Canada...also daunting. In a totally different way, though."
--"I'm from South Texas, also known as Mexico." --Miku
--Dixie: "I don't see why black people don't like Ben Folds' music. Are they discriminating against Ben by thinking he's a cracker redneck?"
Jason K.: "I've never thought of it, but it's led me to the conclusion that apartheid is the answer."
--"I'm Asian. Got rice?" --Kate B.
--"Jordan is Jewish. That's right--Jewish. That's a minority in Washington. Also, you should kill him...Just kidding. No, really. Kidding." --Kelly
--Phil: "Everyone needs a good towel."
Dacre: "Everyone needs a good towel. I NEED THREE."
--"I plan to dismember you..." --Laura
--"Personally, I know a lot of guys who have more sex with lotion and a sock than a girl--what does that mean?" --Dixie
"See...I'm bi...but all the bi/les chicks at school are REALLY CREEPY AND WOULD KILL ME DURING SEX." --Miku
--Me: "It's cooold in here. And the friggin' heater isn't helping."
Mark: "Set fire to it."
--"Not counting the country music I listened to growing up (shut up)..." --Jason
--"Now, THIS is a sweetarse topic!" --Laura
--"Reality TV is stupid. REALLY STUPID. So is doing heroin. Only reality TV is actually more addicting! If you don't watch from the beginning, you're fine. But, as I know from that damn 'Joe Millionaire,' when you watch one of the first episodes, you can't help but wonder what's gonna happen next time. And that's why reality TV is making an assload of money. TV execs are basically crack dealers." --Jeff B.
--"The Velvet Underground rock my face off and if anyone thinks they suck...I am going to punch a pepperoni through your skull." --Jen
--"Emokids say the damnedest things." --Nathan
--"Lou, John, Sterling, and Maureen (and Doug!) could never dance like Rob and Fab, I'll say that much." --Nathan, comparing the Velvet Underground and Milli Vanilli
--"Racism isn't exactly everyone's favorite form of expression." --Phillip
--"I'm such a fuckass!" --Stephanie E.
--"'In the future, we will fuck anything, anytime, anywhere': scariest use of 'fuck'--'In the Future,' by David Byrne" --Ashley
--"BOOK-IT LIKE A MALLFUCKER!" --Justin
--Justin: "BRING BACK BOOK-IT!"
Hugo: "Word."
--"Pft. NO COKE? Man, they're on coke or something. Or something." --Hugo
--"Yes...I was socially immature. I didn't like people or something...nothing much as changed." --Racheal, on her childhood reading habits
Ashley: "It's all about the apocalyptic scrod. Ya' know, the fish that started yelling about the end of the world in Hebrew."
Hugo: "Did it say, 'Oy vei'?"
--Dixie: "I need to get banned again, this is taking up entirely too much time."
Justin (led): "I know, man. Fuck it, I don't need sleep."
--Jessi: "Ghost is on AMC right now...they are gonna roll in clay soon..."
Hugo: "I love that part! Wait, no, I don't."
--"Word. I'll cap dem muthafuckas tomorrow. I'm out this bitch. Peace, y'all." --Jason
--Kate: "OKAY. FIVE DAYS. SEVENTY POSTS AND COUNTING..."
Hugo: "Wow. That's a keepah!"
Kate: "Newbie representin'."
Hugo: "What, what--raise the roof."
Kate: "The roof. The roof. The roof is on FIRAH!"
Hugo: "We don't NEED NO somethinsomethin MOTHER FUCKING FIRE...da roof, da roof..."
--"Wow...I'M FUCKING WICKED COOL, THOUGH." --Hugo, at random
--Ashley: "Beauty vs. attractiveness: do you believe there is a difference?"
Nathan: "The difference is, 'attractiveness' isn't a good name for a house pet."
--"Personally, I find my feet beautiful, but nobody else seems to want to touch them." --Dixie
--"I dunno if I could be considered gay, but I've chugged a lot of cock in my day." --Justin
--"Hahah, I was only kidding...Or WAS I?" --Hugo
--"'Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.' (--that one guy)" --Wout
--"He is one scary fuck." --Ashley, on Crispin Glover
--"I can't believe he's brothers with Danny Glover." --Larry, on Crispin Glover
--"Paco said, and I quote, 'Scratch is a faggot! What a used up cumrag. I think you might win a place in my "You're a Fucking Idiot" book." --Erin
--Amy C.:"I bet the only thing you love about 'The Man Show is girls jumping on trampolines."
Hugo: "Not really, I see that all the time around here."
--"The Book-It program rocked, but was slightly flawed. You could easily lie your ass off about reading 500 books a month and get all those free personal pan pizzas...not that I would respect you any less if you did that, 'cause it'd be WORTH IT!" --Megan
--"No offense, but I didn't know white people beat their children." --Gabby, quite in earnest, upon hearing the shrieks coming from the restroom, into which a woman and her young son went
--"I wonder what a demo version of Grant would be like." --Wout
--Wout: "You don't mean that!"
Grant: "I mean that. With all my heart."
Wout: "No, you didn't hear me. You DON'T mean that!"
--Grant: "You're not Jane Austen."
Wout: "Yes, she IS!"
Grant: "Liar."
Wout: "Aren't you Jane Austen, Jane Austen?"
Me: "I'm Jane Austen."
--"Sometimes, I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides." --Wout
--"I'll remember that never." --Grant
--Jason: "Come ON! SOMEONE has to have seen the first Ninja Turtles movie in the past 10 years..."
Matt: "I have the first movie on laserdisc."
Me: "I have the first movie in my MIND."
Jason: "Whoa. Laserdisc = m/"
Me: "My mind = m/ Ahem. My MIND = m/"
Wout: "Your mind = /m It's an 'm' covered with a blanket."
--Jason: "Sweet. I just got another Snatch."
Me: "Jason's on the Snatch-hunt."
--Grant: "I learned something new today. Go college."
Me: "I learned something new today, as well. Go hot burner."
Matt: "Burner? Will it burn the disc?"
Grant: "Yes. You bet your ass it will. With fire."
Wout: "It will burn YOU, also."
Grant: "We know you like fire."
Jason :"Hawt far."
Grant: "That was super Southern, Jason."
--Me: "I'm DAAAANGEROUS. I could do something kuh-raaaaaazy."
Amante: "You are! You will!"
--"Fear of Music is a masterpiece. It is Talking Heads' OK Computer, but it's better, because OK Computer doesn't have 'Heaven.'" --Nathan
--"OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THIS SONG ROCKS. IT'S TOO FUCKING MUCH. Where he's like, 'Do I smell? / I smell home cooking! / IT'S ONLY THE RIVER! / IT'S ONLY THE RIVER!'" --Nathan, referring to Talking Heads' "Cities"
--Adam: "C is the key of CRAP. G is the key of the gods...because 'G' stands for 'RULES.'"
Grant: "I was pretty sure it stood for 'GAY' or something."
Wout: "We even pronounce it 'GAY' in Dutch, so it must be true!"
--"Sorry, I needed to jump on the bandwagon. Unless there is no wagon, in which case, what the fuck did I just jump on?" --NJ
--Jason K.: "I'm a pushover."
Jill: "I know. Wanna makeout?"
Jason: "No."
Jill: "Me, either."
--"*drops keys* Ah, I've been snorting too much cocaine lately." --Nathan
--Kallen: "IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERRE / SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES / I AM GETTING / SO HAWT--"
Jason: "HOLY FUCK, KALLEN."
Grant: "STOP."
--"John D. Negroponte: a name I do not recognize." --Jason K.
--"Sad mutants are the saddest of all." --Grant
--"Who the fuck was it? I swear to God, I'll eat their children!" --Matt
--Jen: "Alcohol is bad. I am not drinking anymore for a very long time."
John: "I will not drink again...until 7:30."
--Ryan: "I don't drink and will never drink. I also will never, never, never, never, ever understand its appeal."
Marvin: "Maybe you won't understand its appeal because you won't drink."
Grant: "I also don't understand the appeal of heroin...maybe I should do some of that, to understand."
--"I gave up drinking once...nearly died of severe dehydration. Haha. Hhahahaha. Hahahaha. Okay, I'll leave now." --Phil
--"Drinking is for people like me who can't handle real life." --Flip
--"I got really wasted. I don't think I have a stomach anymore. The end." --Jen
--Sarah: "Support your local economy. Drink more beer."
CD: "Support your local EMS and Fire Buereau--drink more alcohol."
NJ: "Support your local ugly guy's libido. Drink more alcohol."
--"Your liver is evil! It needs to be punished somehow!" --Sarah
--"I was just thinking of this chick I know that's a slutty drunk and told me she neeeds dick. Like if she goes too long without it, she goes nuts. She doesn't know that she's already nuts." --Justin
--Ashley: "Hey, stop dissing slutty drunk girls. Though I'm probably not as slutty as the slutty sluts you're talking about."
Justin: "'Slutty drunk girls are fun' isn't dissing! We love slutty drunk girls!"
--"Without alcohol and stupidity, I would be out of a job." --Daniel
--Ashley: "Would you date a slutty drunk girl? Would you get her number and call her a day or two later and ask her out? According to most guys I talk to, they wouldn't."
Jason: "I did. She never answered her phone, though. So I remained single."
NJ: "Yeah, sorry about that, I think my phone was unplugged or something."
--"Tee hee hee--you big whore. I'm so proud." --NJ
--"Everyone thinks I'm a whore. They'd be right, if I was actually scoring." --NJ
--Ali: "Homies are evil, evil people!"
Phillip: "No, they aren't evil, they're just born with black, black hearts that beat the tar they have instead of blood around their bodies. There's a difference."
--Jen: "Is God up this late?"
NJ: "Well, I'm up. I'm pretty much the equivalent."
--Jen: "My English exam tomorrow is going to bend me over backward and violate me."
Ali: "What a dirty English exam!"
--"I like the English examinatures. Would you be liking the help of me?" --Dacre
--"Where you live? I want to stalk you." --Scratch
--Heather V.: "True or false? Well?"
Daniel: "I am 6'2"."
Jason K.: "False."
Jason: "I'm a manwhore."
Heather V.: "I WIN!"
--"I did a presentation on mullets in high school. It was great. I failed miserably, but it was so worth it." --Brian W.
--Ashley: "Oh, no, you di-in't!"
Jen: "Ew, the fact that you said, 'di-in't' or whatever is gross...that is not cool at all."
Jason: "Haha. I was almost thinking that, but then I excused it, to make fun of Wesley Willis even more. I had to prioritize."
--Nathan: "Do you want people to die?"
SmarterChild: "Nah, I don't think so. Maybe, though."
--Anonymous Loser: "ADAM: I want to fucking rape and kill your mother."
Adam: "Wow, you, too?"
--"Did someone say 'ass'? 'Cause I believe I heard the word 'ass' somewhere around here..." --Hugo
--Rory: "I'm naked."
Adam H.: "We all are, underneath our clothes."
--Flip: "Girls have cooties."
Racheal: "And all the boys want cooties. Oh, wait...that isn't the word I was thinking of."
Chaz: "I am in SERIOUS need of cooties."
--"I'm an ASSHOLE!...a motherfucking one, even." --Wout
--"I think this thread makes me want to cry, but I'm not sure." --Leslie
--"You know who's a real manwhore? Nathan. Yeah...that's the word on the street. Fuckin' Truth Avenue, that's what street." --Jason K.
--"Crackhead Virgins would be pretty cool for a name of a band." --Kate
--"Encouraging masturbation is a difficult topic. When I'm a parent, I'm not gonna be like, 'Beat it, Jimmy, beat it all day long!' That would be odd. Jimmy would be like, 'He knows,' and I'd be like, 'Eww.'" --Justin
--"I'm 18 and I will sleep with anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexual preference, age, species, age, OR age. I will sleep with everyone on this whole fucking board...and, yes, I will be your bitch." --Thom
--Mathias: "Don't make me cry...I don't take rejection well."
Nathan: "I reject you, Matt. Because you're pretty when you cry."
Matt: "I don't know whether to cry or blush..."
Nathan: "CRY!"
--"Physical perks for me would be if you have nice hair I can spend lots of time playing with, blue eyes, and are tall and particularly scrawny, so I know I can take you down, if need be. These aren't necessities, but are always much appreciated." --Megan, looking for her ideal man
--"Hey, you guys, my name is THE KARATE KID!" --Wout
--"Remember...if someone says something blatantly, blatantly stupid, assume they're kidding. Even if they're not kidding, it'll save you some mental grief to think they are." --Grant
--"'Hang on, my cell phone's ringing. Whoops! I spilled my latte!' 'It's gonna go!' 'My latte's all over my new Dockers!' 'You knocked it down, you fuck!'" --Chaz, enacting a Yuppie party complete with Jenga
--Me: "Maybe they're...err, well..."
Chaz: "Making the different kind of music."
--"'Oh, no, it's gonna topple!...Hey, my computer froze. I WIN!'" --Chaz, on online Jenga
--"I'll be sure to...read the blurb and then put the magazine back." --Chaz
--Chaz: "Hey, Steph. New screenname...'Let'sGoShopping.'"
Mark: "'LetsGoShoppingForHairAccessories.'"
Chaz: "'WhatAreYouThinking?'"
--"We should all become mimes." --Grant
--"Guys. Stop. Seriously. You're getting me in the mood to go have someone shove needles in me." --Jason
--"I'm gonna go camping with the guys once and ask about the male reproductive system, but instead of making a helpful model with food, I'll probably get my ass beat. 'Hey guys, what's the deal with THIS thing?'" --Grant
--Hugo: "Grant, don't procrastinate. Masturbate."
Grant: "I can do both. I mean...I have work to do."
--"Chat away, sire. Faster! Faster!" --John
--Hugo: "Let's all ditch school."
John: "I'm in. I mean, I'm out."
--"Then, it kicks me in the face and is all like, 'Biotch, I own you' and I'm like, 'Oh shucks!'" --Colleen
--John: "I plan to go to New York in August."
Grant: "I plan to envy you."
--"I will contain my personal enthusiasm so as not to encourage your discouragement" --John
--"Pop-up ads make me want to shoot people." --Chaz
--"I set my crazee juice to the MAX." --Chaz
--Dixie: "Beware. I live. I return to talk about Ben and to get this party restarted. To build it up and tear it down. Hahahahaha!"
Wout: "Oh, no! It's heckstorm! It's creamdream! It's mediocrity! It's iloveunicorns! It's dixielover! IT'S...obvious."
--Ali: "Stay away from [heroin]! It fucks with people's lives and heads!"
NJ: "Like me, then?"
--"I think you are all...umm...spicy." --Andrea
--"If you're just here to bash people, then why be here at all? At least spell words wrong in funny ways, like gassy, or be loved, like Grant. Christ." --CD
--"I think Matt's a cool name. You know? Like, Maaatt. Yeah!" --Matt
--Paco: "Matt: you should try overdosing on heroin. It would be COOL!"
Matt: "Quiet, you prime example of Oedipus theory."
Paco: "Quiet, you prime example of a giant queermo!"
--Chaz: "Rod Stewart sucks. 'Wake up, Marty, I think I got somethin' to say to you.'"
Kevin: "It's 'Maggie'! 'Wake up, Maggie...'"
Chaz: "It's a JOKE! Rod Stewart = gay. Get it?! I know it wasn't that funny, but, JESUS. You guys are lame sometimes."
Kevin: "Ah, my fault, I'm sorry. I guess I don't find calling everything gay as funny as some people. However, if you feel that you're funny, please, continue."
Chaz: "Man, you are so gay!" Tell it to 'em, Chazzy.
--"Nelly is the black Elvis." --CD
--"In my girlfriend's old high school, there is a mural of Rod Stewart kicking a soccer ball. She'll never live it down. She didn't paint it, she didn't have anything to do with it, but it will always be her fault that it is there." --CD
--Thom: *at random* "Hey, I like disco."
Nathan: "Me, too. Where'd that come from?"
--"The worst song of all time is 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' I hate Francis Scott Key! Francis Scott Key is a loser. I also hate 'Happy Birthday to You' and anything by Loggins and Messina." --Sean
--"I don't think 'Happy Fucking Birthday' would have gone down well at the birthday parties I attended as a child." --Nathan
--Christopher: "Er...hello...THE AIR IS FULL OF WATER!"
Daniel: "The air is full of baseball bats."
--"You're not even a real person, you're just an evil parrot who tries to tell me to do things. I won't do them anymore!" --Jon
--"John used 'fuck,' twice, in the same song. Hardcore." --Chaz
--"She's a typical, materialistic, stuck-up, Conservative bitch who needs to get laid something fierce." --Adam
--"Sixth layer of Hell representin'!" --Kevin
--"I think what we all see is that this whole argument is 'retarded.'" --Jason K.
--"I am going to cry black tears now." --Racheal
--"That's just me; I'm sure all your mad fly hunnies luv it, though." --Jason K.
--Matt: "You really promise to stop the gay jokes?"
Dixie: "Yes. Because your gayness is no joke."
--"My kink would make you cry." --Sara S.
--"Now, I get to drive fast, carry a gun, and wear leather in a socially-acceptable manner." --Greg, the cop
--"Tab is just...you can't describe it. It rocks my flip-flops." --Kate
--"It has enough sugar to put you in a permanent coma, but it's fruity and tastes really good." --Kate, on Sprite Remix
--"GO BUY TAB!" --Kate
--"'You're talking to my brain, not my face.' - Claire, being profound." --Phillip
--"*dances whitely*" --Kevin
--"That's EXACTLY how I dance, which is why I don't." --Chaz
--Paco: "I think Fubu is kind of dumb."
Matt: "I am not dumb."
Paco: "Okay, you are just not smart!"
--"How would everyone like to be SMOTE?" --Ryan
--"I broke up with my boyfriend, like, three years ago and it still haunts me. So, basically, if you're me, you never get over it. Have fun!" --Kelly
--"Hmm, I am intrigued by the vagueness of it all. Keep up the good work." --Grant
--"I...um. What the fuck is this about?" --Hugo
--"'Bloop'? 'Bloop' is totally my word...I think you're up to no good." --Katie
--SmarterChild: "That's very interesting, Nathan."
Nathan: "Oh, yeah, you wanna see how interesting it is when I punch you in the robotic crotch?"
--Wout: "I ate spaghetti."
Me: "Good. Spaghetti?!"
Wout: "Yes!"
Me: "That's good stuff."
Wout: "Glad you like it. Sad part:"
Me: "I ate a submarine sandwich. Yes? Sad part: I didn't get any spaghetti."
Wout: "I wasn't the only one eating spaghetti."
Me: "*gasp*"
Wout: "There were like...twenty of us! And I had to pay for it! Can you believe that!?"
Me: "Really? 'Cause that'd suck."
Wout: "Well, yes, partially. Three guys had to pay. The rest could eat for free."
Me: "Why? Did you lose a bet?"
Wout: "DO YOU CALL THAT FAIR?"
Me: "Because it sounds like you lost a bet. Lost a bet BIG-TIME.
Wout: "Yeah. I bet I wasn't going to have to pay for that spaghetti, but I did have to pay, so I lost, and, as a result, I had to pay for the spaghetti. *The End*"
--"So, anyway...Sundrop was just so...well, oh, you have no idea. This was Thursday, mind you, and we were like all, 'Woah, what's with Sundrop?' and then it happened...be back soon." *leaves*--John
--Wout: "Can you please explain me what 'alol' means?"
Me: "I've actually never been able to figure that one out, myself."
Wout: "Someone's attacking me with these 'alol' thingies the whole time."
Me: "Defend yourself!"
Wout: "Uh...what should I say?"
Me: "Ah, Jason says it means, 'actually laughing out loud.'"
Wout: "HEY! That's a good thing! Too bad I killed the guy."
--"If you build it, they will come ('it' meaning another creative outlet and 'they' being ideas)." --Elizabeth, on overcoming writer's block
--Jill" "I have to write a 10-page script and I have no fucking clue what to write about. Suggestions, anyone?"
Elizabeth "I'd write about how some kids get stuck in the grocery store for a day...no, probably not."
Jason: "Jill, I told you. My alcoholism."
Jill: "FADE IN:
INT. DORM ROOM-NIGHT
JASON KING, an 18-year-old college student, is drinking. A lot.
Cut to:
Jason throwing up.
FADE OUT."
--Allison: "What makes you mad?"
Tim: "Flies buzzing against the window. They're so dumb."
Sara: "That chances are I'm going to die alone and then all my cats will eat me."
Rufus: "When the snooker or the cricket overruns on TV and they cancel the film I waited up till 1 A.M. to see. Fucking stupid English crappy sports. Snooker! Who watches that?!"
--"Without the billboards, South Dakota is Nebraska with less corn." --www.roadsidephotos.com/sd/index.htm
--Grant: "Steak is the king of the meats. Chicken is the vice king. But it depends on how it's prepared."
Me: "I like ham..."
Grant: "Ham is secretary of defense."
Jill: "What about pork?"
Me: "And bacon?"
Grant: "Pork is majority leader in the Senate. Bacon is attorney general. I mean, duh, law enforcement. Bologna, however...is governor of New Jersey. Better yet, mayor of Jersey City. Actually, former mayor. He got assassinated. By SHRIMP."
Me: "If shrimp is included, where does lobster come in?"
Grant: "Lobster is the director of the Federal Reserve."
--"That joke is so half-past five." --Grant
--"Jokes are not like wine. Jokes are like whiskey. 86 proof. Whatever that means." --Grant
--Grant: "Oh, my god, I need to study."
Me: "No, you don't."
Grant: "Oh, my god, you guys, let me go."
Me: "No."
Grant: "LET ME GO."
Me: "NO."
Grant: "IT'S NOT A REQUEST. I DID NOT DIAL THE REQUEST LINE."
Me: "Good, because I wasn't complying!"
*long pause*
Grant: "*referring to something he's watching* Dewey is good at being a fucking whiny kid. *pause* Whoa, I was leaving. You are good, Steph."
--"So when do we get to rake?" --Wout
--"It's like I'm a god among men...and women...please...don't praise me...just throw money at me." --Derek
--Michael: "The banana slugs are out in force. The banana slugs are out in force. The banana slugs are out in force. The banana slugs are out in force."
Nate: "Hey, quick question...are the banana slugs out in force?"
Michael: "The banana slugs are out in force. Yes, the banana slugs are out in force."
--"The bus driver winked and said, 'They call me blind, but my name is Fred.'" --Kristin, at random
--"And after, I can proudly say,--wait, no, I'm not proud." --Thom
--"Yeah, oh, my god, I was at this party last night and there was a piano, so I played 'Shit Day' and started humming, because I would've been kicked out if I said, 'Shit.' Then, an old friend of mine, who was extremely drunk, jumped onto me, screaming, 'You're so talented!' and made out with me." --Thom
--"Glaucoma sucks me." --Jason
--"Stop! You're makin' my vagina hurt!" --Heather
--"*walks over from corner where she was reading, stops short* Wait...what was I just going to do? I'm just going to go back over to my corner and think." --Gabby
--"Excuse me, Russell, but I believe I requested the hand job." --Jason
--Chris (3rd): "How many people have you slept with?"
Brian (Robert): "I have slept with...well, shit, let me get the counter out...DAMN! I've slept with...um...well...no one."
--Grant: "All I do is cola and cherry cola. So I'm pretty fucking close-minded. But that's how I like it!"
Me: "If you're happy with yourself, that's all that matters...Red Fusion?"
Grant: "No fucking way."
Me: "It's cherry!"
Grant: "It says 'Fusion.'"
Me: "Well, I--I can't really argue with that."
Grant: "I don't need that x-treme marketing crap in me."
Me: "But it's awesome! It's like Dr. Pepper only--better!"
Grant: "hat's what the commercial told you to say."
Me: "But not as good as Mr. Pibb."
Grant: "Those both suck."
Me: "No way! Mr. Pibb! MR. PIBB, MAN!"
Grant: "Mr. DIE."
--Matt: "Paige feels like Chicken Tonight."
Paul: "Why were you feeling Paige?"
--"Not only did he suck at teh intarweb, he sucked at T3H LIFE!!! hahahaa" --Jason K.
--"HIS MOM=HARDKORE CROZZWURDSZZZ!!!!!" --Jason K.
--"Homemade pie kicks my ass." --Jason
--"I can make pies like a motherfucker." --Laura
--"Yeah, they're scary like that." --Wout
--"Get! your! act! together!" --Wout
--"It was JUST LINKIFIED." --Grant
--Karin: Would you like me to engage trash talk?"
Jason: "YES! ENGAGE!"
--Ally: "Rory: The picture of you punching Ben is classic."
Rory: "Yeah, but the lawsuit isn't as great."
--"*posting a link to a picture* That bad-ass mofo in the background is me. Not to be confused with the vampire in the front." --Michael
--"Heh...I post because I can." --Leia
--"Horseback riding, stealing booklets, using hairdryers for purposes other than drying hair, crossing arms, losing arguments..." --Sarah, listing Wout's "interests"
--"I live in Belgium. No WAY I have a best moment." --Sarah, impersonating Wout
--"I live in Louisville. No WAY I don't have a best moment! NADA NADA LEMONADA!" --Wout, impersonating Sarah
--"1986: born
1986: got into They Might Be Giants!
1997: got arrested for jaywalking
1997: stole a shoe
1999: saw a stick in the yard
" --Wout, giving Sarah's "biography"
--"born 1983.
discovered the beach boys 1987.
discovered ben folds five 1995.
met stephanie coin 1998.
became your friendly neighborhood delicatessen clerk 2002.
kicked your ass 2003." --Nathan's biography
--"It's in my room. Which isn't here." --Eli
--Jessi: "'What a GREAT IDEA! All of the rubble from New York...all the huge blocks of concrete and steel, the old busted up computers, refrigerators, hot water heaters, air conditioners, cars and trucks, broken glass, etc., should be shoveled into C130's and C5A's, flown over Iraq and Afghanistan, and dropped from 32,000 feet. A Frigidaire can do a of a lot of damage from five miles up! With each assault we can drop pamphlets: "Greetings, from the 110th floor of the World Trade Center". The next day it would read, "...from the 109th floor..." Then, the 108th, etc., etc. After 110 days of this, I can't imagine there would be much left standing on the ground. Can't you just see the headlines: "WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK!" What irony this would be, and think how much money we wouldn't have to spend on new bombs or missiles! ...Not to mention the 100-million tons diverted from the New York City landfill...'"
Adam: "Uh...yeah."
Grant: "Yeah...great idea. Those precision-guided office desks will make the current war real efficient."
Tyler: "...I don't get it..."
Reinhold: "Hey, if you can figure out how to sat-guide a fax machine, go for it."
Ben: "So, wait, Iraq struck the Trade Center? Because I thought it was airplanes...which weren't at all driven by Iraqis...but it's a good idea, you know, level a country for them not destroying two buildings."
Boyce: "Iraq helped fund in there, I am sure. It would be pretty funny."
Opiu: "I'm with Ben...that wouldn't be ironic at all...the Iraqis had nothing to do with September 11th...I'm sorry, that was just terrible. You have no respect for any people that are different than you are. I hate ignorance. Yes, I know you're just kidding, but still...not necessary."
Ben: "Even I help fund terrorism. I own an SUV. Drop a stapler on me."
Adam: "*drops a stapler, fax machine, and copy of Word 2000 on his head* That should teach you."
--Opiu: "So...Brian...you're saying that the Palestinians also had a lot to do with 9/11? Or how 'bout those crazy Kamakazi pilots? They're terrorists...so they're responsible for the events of September 11th, right?"
Grant: "Wait, where did [Brian] post on this thread?"
Dave: "I caught that, too, [Grant]. Sorry, [Jessi], I have to disagree with you. It's a well-documented fact. There is no connection between Iraq and the WTC attacks."
Opiu: "Haha. I just got used to arguing with [Brian]. Wow, I can't believe I did that. I meant Jessi. Right. Okay."
Adam: "Ah, what the hell, blame Brian anyway."
--Jen: "Yeah, I like the whole idea of dropping copy machines, fax machines, etc., on innocent people. That is a really cool idea. (I hope you can feel the sarcasm penetrating through your computer monitor; then, hopefully, it will slap you across the face for posting such a dumbass idea.)"
Jessi: "Oh, ouch...your words hurt me so bad...I don't think I can go on...go hug a tree, you fucking moron. Have a great BFL day!"
Chris P.: "Jessi...to begin with, it was a terrible idea. Thanks for wasting our time...yes...I am having a great BFL day."
Jessi: "Chris, I hope you will remember what a waste of time looks like the next time you start a '9!' thread...ass wipe...like the title of the thread states...I cut and pasted it...I thought some people might get a kick out of it...but I see I should have edited it...BFL day...Body for Life? I didn't realize you were dieting."
Chris: "Dieting is what makes the world go 'round. If it weren't for us overweight joes, this would just never happen. Furthermore, a '9!' isn't trying to express any form of view or opinion. Such as your post is attempting to do...9!
Jason K: "Do I hear two fatties arguing?"
Jessi: "No, '9!' is just retarded...and more pointless...pave Iraq."
Jen: "Jessi, why are you so bloodthirsty and in need of revenge? Get over yourself. I would rather be a tree hugger than a murderer, bitch."
Chris: "Or a great lover of the '9!'s...as the case may be."
Kelly: "I don't understand why 'tree hugging' is such an insult. Can someone explain this to me?"
Jen: "Good point...it really isn't an insult, but maybe the 'fucking moron' part was."
--"You had a really long autosig once, I think by Mike Nelson. But you know...I just watched it get shorter and shorter and then I cried. Because I feel like change is important in autosigs. Because we change as people and even though this is, as a great philosopher once said, TEH F8KE INTARWEB, we can reflect who we are as people through that which we hold dear, namely our autosigs." --Nathan
--"GRANT. DO YOU SEE THE CARE IN MY EYES?" --Nathan
--"The game is where the spirit lies. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE." --Grant
--Nathan: "Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think of this? *copies Grant's autosig*"
Grant: "That's cool. Twice the genius."
scratch: "Twice the lunacy."
Grant: "CAN'T HANDLE IT. I'm surly."
Nathan: "Scratch, you should steal Grant's autosig, too, it's liberating. *still with Grant's autosig*"
Flip: "What the hell. Three times the lunacy. *copies Grant's autosig, as well*"
Grant: "I feel like I've touched some lives tonight."
--Jeff: "Hehe, I love Hannibal, Nathan...He is, like, my hero...is kinda like...ME...but without the eating and killing people part...He is, like, my all-time fave hero..."
Nathan S.: "*looks around nervously, fearing for his life*"
--"'One time my friend was trying to send me pictures of his cousin naked but this program stopped him and told me that he was a hacker. I shot him in the face the next morning and now we aren't friends anymore. Thanks!'" --Wesley
--"Things I would put in a time capsule to give a view of my experience of the current world would be: 1. A package of PopTarts. This is to show the amazingly effcient degree we have reached to quickly prepare, transport, and eat food that isn't good for us. I figure it will survive better than a Big Mac. 2. The current year's federal and state tax forms. This is to demonstrate that we had a superior intellect. By that era, they will have forgotten that we also cannot correctly fill these out. We can't figure out how the Egyptians built the Pyramids, so we suspect they had secret knowledge or ALIEN assistance. I wish the future to enjoy the same paranoia about us. 3. An issue of TV GUIDE. This should give the future an understanding of the various interests we had, and an explanation of why we never actually got around to DOING ANY OF THEM." --Tom
--Andrew: "ik like to have normal sex i bet you all like to do it up the butt~!"
Chaz: "You know what's better than having sex? Drinking bleach. You should go do that, as soon as possible."
--"I am a racist. I hate pirates." --Flip
--Kelly H.: "This is the same Ryan who was onstage at the concert tonight, right? If so, give me a call."
Andy"*presumably after checking out the numerous photos of large-breasted women Kelly used as her 'pic'* Forget about Ryan, Kelly. We're meant to be together."
Kelly: "Kelly H. = supardum"
Drew: "SeattleKelly vs. HotKelly in a KELLYBATTLE TO THE DEATH."
--"Ryan is MINE!" --Zach
--"Even if Robert is gay, I'm sure he wouldn't make a move on me. Especially me! Girls don't even make moves on me!" --Holden, trying to explain to a few homophobes why it doesn't matter whether or not Robert Sledge is gay
--"I hate you...but in a good way." --Adam
--"You son of a...can I be you?" --Adam
--"Ryan, you are the best Ryan I know. And I know LOTS of Ryans." --Drew
--"I WOULD DIE IF ANYONE HAS A BOOTLEG OR PICTURES OF ME THAT THEY COULD SEND ME. I____WOULD____DIE!" --Ryan, who got to sing onstage with Ben Folds at a concert
--Kelly H.: "Ryan, I am touching myself over you. I am going to dream about you singing onstage tonight."
Ryan: "Now, this is definitely creepy...creeps the hell out of me, to tell you the truth."
Nathan: "I'm touching myself over you, too, Ryan. We all are."
--"Holy shit...*virtual-touches Ryan*...He's so smooth and godlike..." --Phillip
--"I don't know his name, but I'll call him Billy McShitsalot, or Billy, for short." --Adam
--Adam: "*tells us a story about an annoying music student at his school and the annoying guy's friends* I like the fact that I can tell him to fuck himself and I like the fact that I an tell his stupid, Nazi friends the same thing."
Thom: "I like the fact that you can tell him to fuck himself, too. Let's get married."
Sara: "Want me to beat them up? I'll break just one finger, so they can't play piano anymore."
Phillip: "I'll break their necks, so they can't, you know, be irritating Nazis anymore. They'll just lie there and be dead irritating Nazis. Though they may still be annoying there, 'cause you'd have to step over them and such."
--"She has some issues with being 'real.'" --Laura, on Jennifer Lopez
--"I've cordially decided to leave you a long fucking away message, one that supercedes all in length and grandeur. Where should I start...? Ah, yes. In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since...Just kidding. So this seal walks into a club...Eesh...Tough crowd. There once was a lad named Cobain, / Who met a girl in the rain, / Soon they were wed and then he was dead, / I still think the bitch is to blame...Even though I think he's an idiot...Okay, I'm done." --Kasey's away message
--"'Hey, hey! Call your sister, duuuuuude...it'll be funnay! She'll be all scared and shit. Oh, maaaaan.'" --Laura
--"GOD: A Novel by Nathan Phillips: It was one of those afternoons I'll never forget. My sister and I were wandering around Las Vegas when suddenly we ran into a lanky man with a long beard, an expensive coat, and a suitcase full of cold hard cash. "Hi," my sister said politely. "Hello there," said the man. "I am God." We asked God if he would like to join us. He gladly accepted our offer and soon we were on our way. God won $5.60 at Caesar's Palace. THE END." --Nathan
--"Okay, so I was at the movie theater once, laughing hysterically at Big Daddy, when this tall, old fruit walks in and takes the seat in front of me. Oh well, I think, no biggie. But this guy must be playing with his cell phone or something, because this stupid glowing light keeps shimmering around him... and his phone must be ringing, because I keep hearing, like, a little choir singing. He must have one of those new cell phones that can... like... have a choir singing as the ringer...Anyway, I lean up to tell him to stop with the shit, and he says, "Oh, okay," and suddenly we're not watching Big Daddy anymore, but some sort of weird Ingmar Bergman bullshit. Whatever, man, I can't take this. I'm outta there. I get up and leave, and when I get to the aisle, I realize I left my popcorn, so I look back for a second, and I see that GOD TOOK MY POPCORN. Bastard. THE END." --Grant
--"I met my friends at the local wings restaurant for a beer and some food. After talking for a while, we decided to partake in a game of trivia flashing intermittently on the various television screens hanging from the walls. As I asked the bartender for a control pad, she muttered, 'Good luck,' and snickered as she went back to pouring a pint of lager. I sat and began answering many of the questions correctly, feeling very good about myself and that I might actually be leading the other participants, because I was near to the maximum amount of points for each question. At the end of the game, the bartender turned the music off and announced that God had won the trivia game. His name flashed up on the screens around the bar, mocking and infuriating me. As I searched the bar for God, I saw him sitting back in the corner, a bottle of Heineken in one hand and a Yankees cap on his head. He tipped his head to me, as if to acknowledge, 'Good game.' Then I went to the parking lot to leave and let the air out of that fucker's tires. HELL, YEAH!" --TB
--"It had been a long day as John struggled to open the door while juggling three bags of groceries. Just as he found the correct key, the milk he had been carrying slipped from his grasp and fell to the ground, splitting open and pouring out everywhere. 'God Dammit!' cursed John, for he had just spent $2.34 for that milk and he didn't have enough money to just go wasting it like that. Just then, a man jumped from the bushes and, pointing a finger at the spilt milk, bellowed, "I DAMN THEE!" The milk then turned into a large toad which looked up at John, licked its eyeball, and proceeded to hop away. The man then looked at John, chuckled a bit to himself, shook his hand and walked away. John realized that God really did have an odd sense of humor--but he was still out $2.34." --Steve C.
--"Cursues! You will pay. Just go ahead and look in your closet. Bring salsa. I'm hungry." --Joe
--Chaz: "I like how we scare people away. They come in and think, 'Oh, it's THOSE TWO!' [click]."
Me: "Hahahahah. Sorry, I have to stop saying that. But I'm not sure how to better emote laughter. Without resorting to, 'LOL11!11!11'"
Chaz: "LOLZ, d3wD1111!!1!"
Me: "Maybe I should try it without the '11!!11'? You think?
Chaz: "Nah. If you're gonna do it, do it right."
Me: "Good call."
Chaz: "You should just say, 'I found your previous statement humorous!'
Me: "Yes! I'll do that! Let me copy it." And I did and I will.
Jason: "Aha! I caught you."
Me: "I didn't do it!"
Jason: "Liar."
Me: "Okay, I did it. And what's more--I ENJOYED IT!"
Jason: "No, you didn't."
ME: "I...didn't? But--but--yes! Yes, I did!"
Jason: "Nuh!"
Me: "Yah!"
Jason: "::shrugs:: I wasn't really paying attention."
Me: "Eh. You're right. I just made it all up."
--Kyle S.: "I hope the Dixie Chicks get paralyzed in a bus accident. Honestly, I do."
Grant: "That's kinda harsh...I just wish they would stop playing music."
Kyle: "Naw. Hoping they'd die is harsh."
Adam: "Really? I had hoped it was a yachting accident with an onboard camera."
--Me: Eww, my head huwts. :-( AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Jason: "GRRRRRAH!"
Me: "GET THAT PAUGOIASJ GOIAJ FOIJ DOIFAJ GJAOIF JAMOTHERFUCKINGAS HGA OIGA DOIFJ!!!!!!! FACE AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, if you want the truth...I actually inserted a picture of myself there. That's what I really look like. Yes, I'm...yellow. And tiny. And have no body. And I frown a lot."
Jason: "HAHA...*cough*...HAHA...*falls over*...HAHAHA!"
Me: "Hee hee hee hee hee. You silly."
Jason: "Hey, it's not my fault you made me laugh while I'm sick..."
Me: "Aww, sick? A cold or the flu or wha'?"
*long pause; I wonder if Jason might not be awful somewhere getting sick*
Jason: "Cold, I think."
Me: "Pass out?"
Jason: "Got distracted. Stupid Scrabble."
Me: "Oh, hee hee hee."
Jason: "That's not your laugh..."
Me: "Heh heh heh. Is that? I think Fred said it was."
Jason: "::shrugs::"
Me: "Now, that IS odd, come to think of it...I said, 'Hee hee hee,' and he said, 'That's not your laugh. Your laugh is, "Heh heh heh."'"
Jason: "True."
Me: "And then I did it and he was happy. I said, 'Who told you that--Jason?' He said, 'WHAT?!' or...something."Jason: "Heh. That makes me laugh. But not like, 'Hee hee hee.'"
Me: "And I, as well...How, then?...???"
Jason: "Like, 'H4W H4W'!"
--"You never take your imagination far enough. That's what I always say. About you." --John
--"I'm glad one of us is you." --John
--John: "How do you spell 'merangue'?"
Me: "It's a paradox! Aah!"
John: "Wrapped inside a wrapper."
Me: "But, according to Poe, the word is 'meringue.'"
John: "Oh, what did he know? Coke head...oh, sorry, wrong Poe."
--Me: "Computer flipped out and shut all this shit off by itself. Evil thing."
Chaz: "How creepy."
Me: "The worst thing is, I was about to send a message with a word spelled incorrectly in it. Then, I could have just died. I would never be able to show my face in these parts again. Because I, uh, never spell words incorrectly, nay, not me..."
Chaz: "I think it was your computer's complicated spell-check process."
Me: "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that new program. 'YOU'RE WRONG AND, THEREFORE, UNFIT TO USE AIM!'"
Chaz: "Yes, exactly."
Me: "And the little desktop icon is a chalkboard with 'you suck' on it, aww, how cute."
Chaz: "Oh, man. Now I wish that such a program existed."
--"Guys: I think I should tell everyone that I'm taking off. This place just isn't what it used to be. Last week, I could come on here and find at least one post about Oasis or Blur or how Ben is gay. Now, I can't find any without looking for 'older' posts. Maybe it's all the talk about the war, talk of economics, or [Annie] showing me Conservative news websites, but I'm taking off. Life is just too rough to come home and read. It is bad enough that signs and newspapers/books make you read, but Interweb reading is bad, too. Goodbye. --[Craig], who will read no more." --Craig
--"You can't get to Heaven in a red canoe, because God's favorite color is CAROLINA BLUE (and I should know)." --JHC
--"Look. If you want to discuss politics with lots of right-wing pseudo-intellectual rednecks, go to CNN.com (quality reporting). Now, let's get this party started right." --Matthew K.
--Adam: "Fuck America, but wear a condom."
Yurij: "I'd rather make America take the pill/use the sponge."
--"I blew chunks of pineapple when I heard that. I was THAT impressed." --Flip
--Me: "That's goin' on The Quotes Page."
Chaz: "SCORE!"
Me: "You've been scoring much in that capacity, of late."
Chaz: "Unfortunately, that's not the capacity which I would prefer."
Me: "Aww. Your day will come. No pun intended."
Chaz: "Coming from you, that's flattering. No pun intended--which is strange, as I usually intend my puns."
--Grant: "Someone stole all my CD's once."
Nathan: "Me, 2."
Grant: "Shit E."
Nathan: "Is that some new chord I'm not aware of?"
--Kallen: "No, I won't do it. That would be mean."
Grant: "Kallen, I thought you had no soul. That's not the Kallen I know!"
--"Which Tori Amos song are you? You're 'Father Lucifer' from the Boys for Pele album. You make no sense, although some of your lines would infer that you're a love song. But actually no one knows. You're a good song, but very confusing. 'How's your Jesus Christ been hanging...?'" --Which Tori Amos song are you quiz results at Quizilla.com The most--only--interesting thing about this, to me, is that my website's name and my .org screenname are references to this song...But it was still a stupid quiz.
--Laura: ";)"
Jason: "I hate you. And your goddamned face."
Laura: "Well, I hate you. Happy?"
Jason: "No. You have to hate my goddamned face, too."
Laura: "Well, I loathe your fucking face. Happy?"
Jason: "No. Because you still didn't hate my goddamned face."
Laura: "Well, what the FUCK do you want NOW, Jase?"
Jason: "You loathed my fucking face..."
Laura: "I hate your goddamned face."
Jason: "...And I don't have that kind of energy..."
Laura: "Okay? Done?"
Jason: "Perhaps."
--"You wasted your energy getting me to tell you something that was boring, anyway." --Jason
--"'Cause...y'know...irony?" --Laura
--"*listing things she wants to do to Jason* 1) Take off your pants. 2) Get out the chocolate. 3)--Oh, wait. Wrong list, I'm sorry. *ahem*" --Laura
--"He had this insane nervous laughter and he was realy, umm, just weird." --Racheal
--Amanda: "Some of you are complete idiots, I'm sorry."
Nathan: "Stop, you're making us blush."
--"Those who listen will have the supreme honor of hearing Joe Jackson's most ill-informed-on-appropriate-clapping fan." --Annie
--Nathan (as AlanJardine): "The Beatles suck and so does their music. John was a druggie faggot (with Brian Epstein). Paul was a druggie. George was a psychotic druggie asshole. Ringo was a druggie talentless piece of shit."
Nathan (as...Nathan): "Oh, no, not another Paul fan!"
--"::looks at watch:: ::realizes this is the right time:: ::waits a little longer:: ::realizes...Laura isn't really gonna show:: ::pretends not to cry:: ::vomits::" --John
--"She tore his feelings 'like he had none.'" --Kasey
--"These people don't deserve computers." --Kasey
--"'I'm so angry at the world,
I need to feel your face against me,
I need to feel your hands on my ass,
I need to have you deep inside me,
I can't be the only one,
That you won't want around,
You pushing me away,
Has got me so far down,
[Chorus] x2
I'm steaming,
I'm boiling over,
I've decided,
You're not what I want
I'm so angry at myself,
For not seeing it sooner,
I want to kiss your ugly face,
I need to feel you deep inside me,
I guess I'm the only one,
That's a leper in the mass,
Why did you have to leave me,
'Cuz I stuck my finger in your ass?
[Chorus] x2
I'm steaming,
I'm boiling over,
I've decided,
You're not what I want
x8
You're not what I want'
Oh my god, they could've written that." --Kasey, writing his own Puddle of Mudd song
--"We bash Creed so much on this board, yet it still never gets boring..." --Amy C.
--Me: "I wondered why my ears have been burning so much lately. Of course, I did spill some bleach in one the other night. And then the other. But it's probably your fault, anyway."
John: "Everything's my fault."
Me: "Basically." But only because John posted it.
--"Oh, my god...YOU'RE FROM CHAMPAIGN?! ME, TOO! No, not really. DOWNEY, CALIFORNIA. Don't playa' hate." --Hugo
--Ed: "I need to know who is single so I know who to flirt with."
Harrison: "I have a girlfriend. And I'm a guy. I don't think this thread was directed at me at all."
--"Mine is evilwillprevail...we were talking last night, and one thing led to another, and we just ended up talking some more. Oh geez, need to sit now." --Brian R.
--"Orange Juice would be the best, though. I don't know why I capitalized the word 'juice.' I guess the stuff's just that important to me." --Chaz
--"Hahaha. I mean...are you okay?" --Chaz
--"Testicle 1, 2. Testicle 1, 2. Sorry. The audio guys at work do that all the time, and it's always funny to them...And me." --Chaz
--"Ah, it sucks being as cool as us." --Chaz
--" I can see him now, dead on a sidewalk, with spears through his chest." --Chaz
--"I can see them now, freezing water into huge blocks of ice around people's feet, and then cutting a hole in a frozen body of water, and dropping the person in. And then fishing from that same hole, and catching nothing at first, but then finally something, and it turns out to be the person. And they eat him/her. The End." --Chaz
--"I know for a fact that the picture is reversed. Not really. But I'm left-handed, so I'm allowed to make up facts. It's a fact." --Doug
--"OUCH, SHUT DOWN BY THE DREWMEISTER!" --Grant
--"Nathan: Calm your bitch's anxiety." --Flip H4w!
--Jason K.: "How do you take your steak? Just curious."
Grant: "Medium rare...I like medium rare, so when they bring it out, I can say, 'Please, cook my steak again.'"
--"Ohhhh, to one day be in on the joke..." --Kelly
--"From now on, play Ben Folds ALL THE TIME. FOREVAR." --Jill
--"It went something like this I said, 'My initials are WMP,' and some dude said, 'Hey, that's almost WIMP! You're a WIMP!' I said, 'Right,' and turned around. I didn't REALLY turn around, of course. I probably typed, '*turns around*.' Can't remember." --Wout
--"I didn't type it. I copied and pasted FROM YOUR MIND." --Wout
--Wout: "You know what to do!"
Me: "Email all of them and direct them to his essays!"
Wout: "Wait, you don't hate him, right?"
Me: "Nope, I lurve him."
Wout: "Well, then, email all of them."
Me: "Speaking of quotes page material..."
Wout: "Er..."
Me: "Ag?"
Wout: "Nobody was talking about quotes page material! You just made that up!"
Me: "Yes. I did it just to get attention. *hangs head*"
Wout: "Aww...wait a minute..."
Me: "?"
Wout: "You, seeking attention? Chyeah, right! You're just saying that...because...you want ATTENTION! Oh, I'm on to you!"
--"Okay, let's see. What do you want? Lovely Rome bits? Or Belgian people I hate? Or! Belgian people I like!" --Wout
--"Oh, well, and the one on the left...I just don't like the look on his face!" --Wout
--"Well, let me tell you: ALL my tests have question marks on them!" --Wout
--Me: "I'm told I should ask you about a go-cart story."
Wout: "Oh? Well, you should!"
Me: "So, what's this about a go-cart story, then?"
Wout: "Uh...well, scariest moment of my life! That's what it is!"
Me: "And that's it? I don't think so."
Wout: "We went to rent some go-carts."
Me: "You and your friends? Your family? You and Fluffy?"
Wout: "My mad crazy female friend decided that we should ride on the open road (=illegal) [and] one of my sea-friends and, uh..."
Me: "Sea-friends?"
Wout: "The ones I went to the sea with, yes...do you remember the trampoline-jumping?"
Me: "Ah, yes. Who could forget?"
Wout: "Well...it gets worse. We want to cross a road. We thought it was pretty normal,but it wasn't, since we were in a GO-CART and all, and all of a sudden, there it is: the life-changing object, AKA some kind of cable train. It approached us, our side, actually, estimated speed: no clue, I'm bad at this. But still, pretty fast. It was so close, I could see the driver's face. And then, the mad female friend decided to pull the brakes. We were almost crying out of fear. She was just sitting there. Since she was at the steering wheel, we had no choice but to follow her orders. Of course, as expected, she wanted to experience 'riding in a go-cart on the highway.'"
--"Plans are there to be cancelled!" --Wout
--"You could eat off the floor. But we don't." --Nathan
--"Gotta, Krazy Karl. im cleanin mah room blitzkreig style!" --Kasey
--Jessi: "It really bothers me when I plan a candle party at my house and, like, twenty-five people say they are going ot be there, but then only four show up..."
Molly: "Damn, me, too, happens all the time."
--"My hubby knows that, if George Clooney wanted to leave bachelorhood behind for me, that I would hvae to divorce my hubby, and he is fine with that." --Jessi
--Me: "Heee hee hee hee heeee."
Wout: "Don't you give me that FAKE smile! Your REAL smile is: 'Heh heh heh heh!'"
Me: "I smiled?"
--Wout: "She told me...'There's something you need to know; perhaps I'll tell you someday,' or something like that...but that could be ANYTHING, no?"
Me: "That she's really a man!"
Wout: "That would be AWESOME!"
Me: "That she...slept with your mother!"
Wout: "That would be...uh, yeah, slept with my mother...heh, that would be shocking."
Me: That she's the one who killed your dog that time when you were eight."
Wout: "What?! I never even HAD a dog!...I hate her!"
Me: "Really? Then that MUST be what she was going to tell you!"
Wout: "'I killed the dog you never had'? Probably."
Me: "Right! How could she?! How dare she?! Why did she?!"
Wout: "Pff, it was a bad dog anyway!"
--"I'd never date a bottlenose...err...or a dolphin. Yeah." --Adam
--"'Son, how many times have I told you not to sign pussy?! Shame on you! This could get out on the Intarweb and that would ruin your reputation as a...an...an egotistical piano rawk guy!' 'Son, how many times have I told you not to ride in hot tub limos with tons of hot college gurls?!' 'Son, how many times have I told you not to jam with Bill Clinton while Kevin Spacey macks on your wife?! Oh...well, then this counts as one!'" --Jason K., impersonating Ben Folds' father
--I'm a baaaaaaaaad man! Who wants to touch me? I SAID, WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?!" --Chris
--"Hey...people still go to libraries and book stores and buy...books? Yeah...books. Odd." --Chris, upon Mark Y's comments that books are outdated
--"I have pictures of Ben naked with a billy goat and an elderly llama...I'm thinking about posting them on my website...What kind of compensation do you think I can get for those? You think Ben will come to my house and watch tv with me? Or maybe he can come to my mom's house and have some chicken soup with me...that would be nice..." --Paul E.
--"Morry IS TEH SUPARKEWL BIG BADD WOLF!!!!!!111111" --Jason K.
--I left for a movie and to go out with my friends, and I come back to thong-drama." --Emaline
--"i just had a test over equilibrium...or something to do with pencils." --Michael
--Derek: "Sad to admit, but here it goes...I love Justin Timberlake."
*later, after Andrew, Briana, and a different Stephanie agree that he's good*
Adam: "April Fool's was yesterday, y'all."
--"STEPHANIE: STOP HIDING AND TAKE DOWN YOUR GODDAMN AWAY MESSAGE! :^)" --Jason
Barb: "I'm studying for a killer exam tomorrow."
Chaz: "You're learning how to kill?"
Me: "Ohh, that'd be awesome."
Chaz: "I know! Murder 101."
--"Just remember, buddy, not only am I hotter, but I have hours and hours of comic book viewing pleasure to offer. COMIC BOOKS. It's like, you can't lose! Also, I have beer." --NJ, attempting to get Jason to make out with her
Chaz: "I have to write a paper for English on how fear has motivated me in a certain situation, and I can't think of anything."
Me: "Fear of failure motivated you to write that paper. HAW HAW."
Chaz: "Nice!"
Me: "You can all kill me now."
Chaz: "The teacher's example was fear of failure, and I want to seem more creative by using something original."
Me: "Aww, damn...Fear of being unoriginal motivated you to write your paper on something other than fear of failure."
Chaz: "If I had the skills to elaborate on it, I'd probably do that."
Me: "Well...remember the time you told me you broke into the Merita factory on accident? And then all those alarms were going off and they were going to set the dogs loose on you and stuff? So you busted ass out of there? Through that third-story window? I'd say you were motivated by fear."
Chaz: "That's hilarious. I think I'll use it."
--"I knew the teacher wouldn't read them, so I got creative and wrote very strange things. After a while, I began to hope he would read it, and be afraid of me." --Chaz
--Liam: "My brother's birthday is in a week. The past two years, I've bought a hangover-helper and a make-your-own-beer kit. I'm stumped for this year. Truly stumped. I need some help, 'cause I can't get him a 'NORMAL' present."
Chaz: "Get him a Cosby sweater. That's far from normal. Not to mention, very stylish."
Opiu: "I heard someone say that Ben was going to become new lead singer of Dashboard Confessional."
Jason K.: "Well, I heard the other day that you're funny. So, as you can see, these things are not always true."
--"I'm out like a deaf kid in musical chairs." --Briana
--Jason:"The Ramones eat me like a fat man at a buffet."
Chaz: "On a diet, maybe!"
--*after several people who usually complain that Adam talks too much ask him for further details on something he vaguely mentioned*
Adam: "Believe me, you don't want to know, either."
Daniel: "Hmmm...let us be the judge of that."
Adam: "Hmmmm...go fuck yourself with a duct-taped dildo."
--
--Nathan: "Stephanie? Oh, I go out with her."
Flip: "You two are a perfect couple. Seriously."
Laura: "As are you the perfect arsehole, Flip. Seriously."
--"Hehe...Steph said, 'fuck.'" --Laura
--"But, then again...I can't read. Now, you know my secret. But, please, don't tell anyone. I'm a librarian...and that fact could cost me my job. By the way, my chimp, Rusty, is typing this message for me." --Robert L.
--"Biography: I've lived in Texas all my life. Hopefully, I won't die here, too. Especially not within the next week or so. That would suck. Actually, it wouldn't really suck for me. I mean...I guess I wouldn't know the difference, since I'd be dead. Wait...what's a biography?" --Robert L.
--"Like putty in the hands of a...putty...holder...shut up." --NJ
--"I've been around the block a few times, baby! Okay, maybe once. All right, I never made it around the WHOLE block...I never amde it past my garage." --NJ
--"For some reason, some people that came with a significant other, friend, etc. felt the need to, when laughing at a particular joke, look at the other person. I don't understand this, but I saw my brother do it to me out of the corner of my eye. Is it to see if the other person thought it was funny? To validate the funnay? I don't understand. I wanted to tell my brother that I wasn't teh show and to quit looking at me." --Jason K., on something he noticed at a Jerry Seinfeld show
--"Aww, I have a friend named Yurij. He kicked a hole in a wall at a party, once--he claimed it was 'self defense.' Then, he got in the shower, got out, and passed out naked on the floor. We took pictures...Yurij is a special boy." --Eli
--"Got it! You could get a tattoo of your phone number on your arm! Then, (some) people would be like, 'Oh, man, is that the infamous TMBG Dial-a-Song phone number on your arm?' And THEN, you would be like, 'Nope! It's my own phone number, hehe, fooled you guys!' People would be amazed. No?" --Wout
--"I still haven't handed in my assignment. That fake journal thing. He'll give me an 'F.' I'll insult him. And I will fail my religion class." --Wout
--Amante: "I'm back."
Me: "'In an interstella burst!'"
Amante: "Really? Wow, that's amazing."
Me: "I don't know...are you?"
Amante: "Amazing? Only in the sack."
--*after I tell Wout about an old man who lectured me about only asking how people are today when I actually care*
Wout: "Have you ever seen him again?"
Me: "As far as I know, I haven't. If I have, he didn't say anything to me."
Wout: "Yeah! You taught him a good lesson!"
Me: "Maybe he ignored me. Or maybe he died in his sleep that night. Hahahahah! Okay, that wasn't funny."
Wout: "Old men dying in their sleep?"
Me: "Eh...you're right, that IS funny!"
Wout: "I can come up with things which are not as funny as that."
Me: "Such as? "
Wout: "...Not right now, though."
Me: "Why must you jerk me around like that!"
Wout: "Hah! I do that...because! That's what I do! Okay, what about...playing volleybal with a hamster?"
Me: "Hahahahah! *dies*"
Wout: "Damn...that is considered funny these days? Oh, well...when you think of it for a while, it IS ki...NO! That's HORRIBLE!"
--*discussing a watermelon pillow I made in sixth grade*
Wout: "I think it's time to set him free now."
Me: "But if he comes back to me, may I keep him?"
Wout: "Believe me, he won't. I'll keep him here...with lots of food...and I'll call him Fluffy, until he reacts."
Me: "I...suppose it would be for the best. *weeps quietly, gives The Watermelon Pillow to Wout* Take good care of him, Fred. Take good care of Freddie, Watermelon Pillow. *sob*"
Wout: "And I won't tell you I'm calling him Fluffy. And then you're confused. And I win."
--"It was pretty illegal." --Wout
--"Normal people get drunk. We get trampolines." --Wout
--"I lie awake in bed, wondering what the point of it all is. Then I get up and put on lots of eyeliner." --Some Quiz at quizilla.com
--"Hah--I'm posting from the rear pew of Harmony United Methodist Church...my god, this is BORING! Someone...please, save me, Jesus must be running late..." --Adam
--"EAT IT RENO-STYLE!" --Jonny
--"Yeah. I hope he dies. Twice." --Jason
--Me: "Why the fuck did I think she was an American?"
Jason: "Because you're Stephanie and nothing you say makes sense anyway?"
--"Go team Nugget." --NJ
--"Hey, I heard about this great new pirate movie today...it's rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" --Jason K.
--Jason: "I just wanted something to do this weekend."
NJ: "And you couldn't settle for getting drunk and playing Twister, like normal people do?!"
--"'Brick' is about an asexual telegraph pole and its quest for happiness." --Claire
--"Badgers are your friends." --Leia
--"I go to Hot Topic to buy band T-shirts. And I may get a patch or two. But that's where I draw the line. No $80 baggy pants for me, sih. No, sih, I don't want to lose myself in my pants." -Liam
Jason: "Oh, my god..."
Me: "What?"
Jason: "These are so much better when you're sinning..." Jason, a Catholic, had just returned from Krystal (Burger) with some food...on a Friday.
--Jason: "Goddamn."
Mel: "O' both your houses."
--"I just told my dad that I'm gonna kick Uncle Sam in the junk." --Jason
--*Jason plays "BOOTS" in Scrabble*
Me: "I thought you were going for 'boobs.'"
Jason: "That's what you get for thinking."
Grant: "Jason never goes for boobs. In any way."
Jason: "Thanks, Grant. I was about to get there."
--"I mean, while I don't really like pierced ears, I can understand how it is a visible form of decoration. But pierced nipples? It's like, 'Surprise! Now don't chip your teeth on these, young men...'" --Aaron
--"d00d, [Matt], yer bewbz are hawt. Whoops, I meant, 'd00d, [Matt], yore bewbz are hawt.' Sorry, I'm a stickler for grammar!" --Jason K.
--"I feel so much pressure now to show everyone here my boobies! Everyone must see them and think I'm a super hawt and confident, mature woman! Wait, no, that's right--I've got confidence without sacrificing my dignity." --Kelly
--Dehon, on her favorite Ben Folds song: "Not the Sam."
Adam: "Not the Bob." Dehon meant "Not the Same."
--"When I propose, I will play 'Dig,' by Mudvayne. My romance IQ kicks all your asses." --Nathan
--"'What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear "fuck"?': Now?" --Jessi
--"'Would you ever eat shit for $1,000,000?': Depends on what time of year and where the shit came from...WHAT? Hell, no!" --Jessi
--"Anime started when some guys in Japan thought that the blonde girl in 'Scooby Doo' didn't have big enough breasts. Also, the story wasn't realistic, with the dog that solves crimes and all that. Thus, a new cartoon that had a big-breasted main character and a bunch of giant robots that beat up on God was created as a solution to all the crappy, unrealistic, American cartoons." --Wesley
--"'Their' or 'there'? More there, less their...I was homeschooled." --Kyle S.
--Liam: "What are the names of all of Jimmy Eat World's albums?"
Zach: "Shit, The Album after Shit, This Third Album That We Should Have Never Made, and Mega Shit."
--"Man, I kinda miss the emo/indie scene...wait, no, I don't." --Dave (Ska)
--Nick R.: "Each of Jimmy Eat World's CD's is completely different, so if the next one is just another Bleed American, I'd say they have sold out."
Zach: "If their next album is another Bleed American, I would say...they...suck! AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
--"Here's a funny story about Jimmy Eat World. Once, when I was but a lad, my friend put in a CD and it was the most rockingest CD ever. This CD just totally rocked my face and every other part of my body. This was probably the greatest music I had ever heard. I just couldn't stop myself from jumping around and dancing and giggling wildly like a schoolgirl. I had to know everything I could about this amazing artist I was hearing. So I asked my friend who these masters of musical mayhem were and he said, "Yo, man, you mean you have never heard Color Me Badd before?" I quickly said, "Of course I have. I just haven't heard this album. I like their older stuff, before they sold out." We then went downstairs and had some Sunny D. While I was being driven back to my house, I shit my pants and my friend's mom yelled at me for ruining her upholstery. I think it may have been the best day of my life." --Sean
--"But, hey, with Bush as president, it's a no-brainer that Prohibition won't happen. He'd go crazy without his booze." --Liam
--"You want love, happiness, and 'whoa's. You want to cruise around the housing development with the windows down, doing donuts in the cul-de-sac with your newly-obtained permit, blasting music so empty and sincere even you could have written it." --Ryan Schreiber, reviewing Bleed American for Pitchfork Reviews, 08/22/01
--"'Hear You Me' is the song you'll cry yourself to sleep with when you get a B+ on your science paper, or your girlfriend tells you she 'needs some space.'" --Ryan Schreiber, reviewing Bleed American for Pitchfork Reviews, 08/22/01
--"Wind Waker's calling me. It's saying, 'JASON! Come beat this first dungeon!'" --Jason
--*after Kristen posts a link to a picture of her pierced nipples on the .org*
Mel: "WOW. Talk about a desperate need for attention. Was it absolutely vital for you to post about this on the .org? Are you going to walk into a store with your tits hanging out? *continues on for a few sentences*"
Kristen: "My answers to your questions: Yes. And, yes."
--"Are you speaking of Amy Poehler? She is smart and funny and scares me stiff." --John
--"Me and Zach should post pornographic pictures of our mohawks...poking each other." --Trish
--"I'm a slut for attention." --Steve C.
--Amante: "Hot, sweaty anal sex-ness: I'm making this [thread] solely to freak everyone out."
Me: "'I'm not scared...I'm outta here.' *flees*"
Zach: "*freaks out at those words* NOT ANAL SEX!"
Me: "'I'M FREAKING OUUUUUUUUT!' --Milhouse"
Amante: "PENIS!"
Me: "JUNIOR MINTS!"
Steve C.: "SMEGMA."
Me: "*shrieks in horror, hides* *muffled* MAUFFENFAUVER!"
Sara S.: "Unholy butt-lovin'? WOOHOO!"
Erin: "*peeks in* HEY, what's going on in here?!"
Me: "'And I'll change my name to "D-A-R-Y-A" and be crowned Miss America.' 'Bout sums it up!"
Derek: "OUTDOOR ONLY! DO NOT ENTER THROUGH THE EXIT!"
Me: "'If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.' --Jack Handy"
Sara: "Well, I've never seen this movie...or am I just missing something [else entirely]?!"
Me: "I can't speak for everyone, but I'm just quoting random shit. I might have missed something, too, though."
Jim: "In the words of a certain William Shakespeare: 'I take thee at thy word: / Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized.' Heh heh. He said, 'but love.'"
--"I hate those one shirts that are like, 'I eat my own shit,' and stuff like, 'Monkeys steal my sanity when I'm sleeping.'" --Jeff
--"I found a shirt at a thrift store, once, it must have been from a religious elementary school or something. On the front, it had a girl waking up with the sun shining, and it said, 'Good morning, Jesus!' So I, on the back, wrote, 'Was last night as good for you as it was for me?' I thought it was funny." --Catherine
--"I always get asked, 'Is your mom or dad there?' and I would love, for just once, to break into a cry and then say, 'MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!' then hang up, or hear what they have to say about that, then hang up." --Lindsay
--JHC: "Read the words of Kenneth Joseph: *bores us with some long-winded crap*"
Nathan: "I didn't read that. Because You Can't Make Me!!1111111"
JHC: "'You can't handle the truth'? As the movie said."
Nathan: "No, I just didn't read it because I don't like Jesus telling me what to do."
Kyle: "See, now you're just going to Hell."
--"Bad news: Someone posted pictures of their boobies on the .org. Good news: Someone posted pictures of their boobies on the .org!" --Adam
--"Uh- huh. Nice try. WRONG!" --Jason
--"Oh well, back to my boring, mediocre life... I better fill that void with nachos." --Jessica
--Brian R.: "I haven't had a good one in a while."
Briana: "Yeah, it's been a while for me, too..."
Zach: "WHAT! SLUTS! Tongue-kissing is how babies are made!"
Jeff : "Hey, there is nothing wrong with a nice, slow, soft, romantic kiss..."
Zach: "BABIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
--"If the drunk is a male and successfully makes out with a sober female, he's a fucking god." --Jason
--"I like eating alone, so no one sees me lick the plate." --NJ
--Kevin: "I like kittens. Is that wrong?"
Andy: "Yes. You go to jail."
Rory: "Stop trying to stir up controversy, Kevin!"
--"I like smooth potato chips. Smoooooooooth ones. Mmmm." --Grant
--"I was baiting girls who also like potato chips. Smooooth ones." --Grant
--Me: "I think I know a few chicks who like smooooth chips. I could hook you up. BUT. They're mostly sluts."
Grant: "Mmmm boy! I wouldn't have 'em any other way."
--Me: "YOU! Or--you."
Chaz: "YOU!"
Me: "ME!"
Chaz: "US!"
Me: "And--THAT GUY! *points, ducks*"
Chaz: "Hey, what the...? Ooooh, I get it."
Me: "I don't!"
Chaz: "...Neither do I. I was just pretending."
Me: "Okay, I do. Okay, I don't, really. I was just pretending I did to look cool."
Chaz: "As was I."
--"Kristen, can I buy a Super-Soaker and soak your nipples?" --Chaz
--"That makes sense...wait...yes, it does." --Sam
--Me: "Grant: Nathan asked me to ask you to stay on, because he wants to talk to you. And he said he'll probably be on in about an hour."
Grant: "Fuck that shit. I mean, I'll be here."
Me: "Oooh, I think you done TOLD him!"
Grant: "I done."
Chaz: "He done did that."
--"Perform this action for him: m/ REM m/" --Grant
--Me: "This is being copied as we type."
Chaz: That scares me. Seriously. Steph = Big Brother."
Me: "Chaz, you're on my page! DOES IT SCARE YOU? GOOD! No."
Chaz: "I know. I secretly like it. Well, not so secretly, now."
--"*discussing whom to share your first kiss with* 'Someone you really care about'? Forget that, if you really want a kiss, do what was mentioned before, go out and kiss a stranger. Go out and kiss EVERY stranger. Hell, kiss people walking their dogs, then kiss their dogs. Kiss a streetlight...Let it be known that I in no way control the words I am saying and therefore may not necesarily agree with myself on some issues." --Phil
--Jill: "*makes out with everyone*"
Phil: "*opts out, preferring to wait till his most lovely girlfriend is there; idly sits and eats jellybeans in the meantime*"
Kelly: "I may not swing 'that way'...but I sure do hate guys, sometimes."
Phil: "Want some jellybeans?"
Kelly: "Nah, they make me sick."
Phil: "Okay. It's the thought that counts."
*NJ and Anna discuss kissing*
Phil: "*continues to eat his jellybeans, wondering if anyone else got the joke*
Anna: "There was a joke? *steals his jellybeans*"
Phil: "Somewhat. Not so much a joke as an understanding. Kind of like the understand that all you had to do was ask. *steals back the jellybeans* Now, you get none."
--"Mame: fubumatt; occupation: professional thread killer." --Matt
--Brian: "Care about Brian? Does anyone? Will I die alone? Will we all? Should I end this? Should I end it all?"
Jeff T.: "Get the gun OUT of my ass. I don't know what that meant. Um...don't do it, and stuff."
--"Fighting words aren't a protected form of free speech." --Jason K.
--Jason K.: "*on Brian's suicidal post* Wheeeeeeeeeeee...End it! End it! End it!"
Sean: "I agree with gas."
Brian: "You want me dead? Your wish is my command."
Ben: "Gee, I miss him alread."
Adam: "Give my regards to Satan."
Matt: "HAHA, Adam, you're such a bitch."
--"Okay, this is what I don't get...I got a phone call during my nap a little bit ago that said, "Good afternoon. Some grad students here are doing a survey about HIV and AIDS and are looking for people between 18 and 26 to get paid $30 to do this." So, naturally, I said, "Sure." Five qualifying questions, the first one was age. Obviously, I fit that one. After four questions, I still qualified. Fifth question: "Have you had sexual intercourse in the past three months?" Of course, I don't think about the $30 and don't lie, so I say "No". The reply was, "Oh, I'm sorry, they're looking for people that have been sexually active in the past three months." Moral of this story: it apparently pays off to be a slut." --Jason
--"We hit Columbia, Missouri, at about twelve-ish. We stopped at Steak and Shake and Dad apparently forgot he wasn't in the southeast anymore. He tried ordering a sweet tea and the lady was confused as all hell...I thought it was FUNNY." --Jason
--"Chasing Amy is brilliant because of Jason Lee, who is the end all be all of all there is to be the end all be all of." --Andy
--"HI! Does anybody know what the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T is? Is it edible? I'll be back when I find out." --Amante's away message
--"No one would have blamed me. Well, except people like you. You blame me for everything. You blame me for the war in Iraq, don't you? You blame me for the starving children in third-world countries! And the fact that zebras are striped! Oh, wait, I'm thinking of someone else. Nevermind, surry!" --Me
--Me: "Ground's shaking. I think...I hope...someone's moving in below us."
Amante: "Really, why?"
Me: "To explain all the noise I've been hearing down there this morning."
Amante: "Ah."
Me: "I don't like it when the floor in my living room shakes. It scares me."
Amante: "Someone's being murdered down there. You gotta save 'em, Steph."
Me: "Fuck that shit."
Amante: "Become..."
Me: "I don't save lives."
Amante: "SUPER STEPHANIE!"
Me: "I save teeth. With Fred."
Amante: "SUPER STEPH!"
ME: "SUPERJANE. He and I are a tooth-[regenerating] team."
Amante: "SHE'LL, UMMM....TALK TO YOU AND BE A REALLY COOL FRIEND AND NOT BREAK UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND! Dammit."
--"I'm great at absorbing both tears and profanity." --Andy
--Jess: "But, Wout! I think I must have passed over your house on the way down here from Frankfurt. Maybe. I waved from the plane, but you didn't wave back. What's up with that, man? Aren't we, like, homies?"
Wout: "No, wait...what? I've been waving at random airplanes ALL week and I missed yours?"
--"I'm totally having a website, you'll notice." --Wout
--"So, I took it in a sexist way. And there's nothing you can do about it (okay, well, you could start insulting me, of course, but I wouldn't like that)." --Wout
--Andy: "Kevin Smith loves Jersey."
Jason S.: "Somebody's got to love it."
--*Adrian and Daisy are discussing Michael Moore and their semi-fandom*
Kyle Reinhold: "Yes, I support and like someone who couldn't hack it at U of M and dropped out in his first year. He has lots of credibility and intelligence."
Me: "*sigh*"
Nick: "So you won't support first-year college dropouts, eh? Why the fuck are you here?"
Me: "You know whose opinion I really don't trust? Einstein. The guy was a fuckin' retard, nothin' he said was of any value. I mean, E=mc?? What the fuck was his point?"
Nick: "Shit! My first HTML fucked up."
Grant: "You fucked up the HTML? *sigh*...I can't support you."
--"Okay, I will bike to Lawrence. My friend who also wants to go can ride on the handlebars." --Grant
--"I'm allergic to hypoallergenic things." --Grant
--"I'm all for supporting the troops and respecting the flag, but I don't think it should be grounds for an ass-kicking. Maybe if some guy nailed your girlfriend on an American flag...then, I could see it." --David
--Chaz: "I've always wanted to get a tape recorder, record crickets chirping, and play it when someone tells a bad joke or says something dumb."
Grant: "You must do that. Quickly, before I steal the idea."
Chaz: "*long pause* Damn."
--Jeff: "Today's Sign of the Apocalypse - as seen in Sports Illustrated: The sports gambling site betonsports.com is setting odds and taking wagers on various developments in the war in Iraq. That's kinda really sick..."
Nathan: "Can you tell us tomorrow's Sign of the Apocalypse today? CUZ THEN YOOD BE SYKIK."
Jeff: "Come on, now. Let's be realistic...of course I can."
--"I can tell you everything about the future. Or I'm just full of shit. You decide." --Jason
--Andy: "Hey, I came back to the board, didn't I? A dot org without Andy is, indeed, barely a dot org at all."
Brian R.: "In my eyes, you never left!"
Doug: "In my eyes, you were never here..."
Adam: "In my eyes, there's a retina, some lenses, an iris, and this slimy, jelly stuff."
--"Well, your eyes are wrong. Next question." --Andy
--Brian R.: "Where do babies come from?"
Andy: "According to statistics, mostly teenagers."
--Brian R.: "*after Anna compliments him* Why, thank you, Anna. I'd like to take you out to lunch, sometime."
Lisa: "That's 'cause Anna is, like, the nicest person ever."
Brian R.: "Which is why I'd like to take Anna out to lunch...or perhaps even brunch! Yes, brunch!"
--"I took statistics in high school. I would have failed, but, fortunately, I was able to cheat on the exams." --Nathan
--"The people behind me were like, 'Look at that jerk, he can't drive, ha ha!'" --Customer, Sharing with Us His Bad Driver Stories
--Me: "*watching a movie* She looks like...someone..."
Nathan: "She looks like someone I wanna kick."
--Matt: "Funny words: Dandelion. That's a funny word."
Jason K.: "Dandelion is only funny in spelling, in my opinion. Seems like they went out of their way to make it not-gay.
Botanist One: 'I propose we call it the dandy!'
Botanist Two: 'That is so gay, yew idiot! But I do like the wound of it...hrm...'
Botanist One: 'Why don't we change the spelling to the way less gay dande?'
Botanist Two: 'Righy-o, old chap! And we can add lion to it to make sure no one mistakes its not-gayness!'
Botanist One: 'Oh, hip-hip-hooray! All hail the dandelion!'"
--"They're like, 'Hey, yeah, you get free shit...all you have to do is sell us your soul." --Theresa, on telemarketers
--NJ: "His voice sounded like a dolphin on steroids."
Jeff): "Kick his ass, seabass."
--"I think telemarketing is great. It is a good way for companies to reach consumers that may not know about their wonderful products. Just the other day, a woman who could barely speak English asked me if I wanted to sign up for a 'Pratrum Vesua Card.' This was a great credit card that I have never heard of, and it came with an introductory rate of 'whore-teen point nine" APR. I didn't sign up, but it is just nice to know that companies keep me informed." --CD
--"I just wanna answer it, 'Ah, howlo...ah, you wan' take ma test for me, I ahhh, I ahh...how you say...ahhh...today? Ah, dat's da word...ohh, ah, fuck you.' Click." --Jeff, on foreign telemarketers who are always calling his dorm
--"While they're in the middle of their little speech, start making sexy sounds: '...And if you order today (OOOH!! HARDER!)...er...you can receive a free pasta pot (YES! GIVE IT TO ME!! YES! YES YES!) *hangs up*" --Adam, on dealing with telemarketers
--"My dad used to be a telemarketer. One day, this guy he called got really angry and rude, so my dad simply asked, 'Sir, do you finger your ass too much?' 'WHAT'D YOU SAY?!' 'I said, "Sir, do you figure we ask too much?"' I want to be a telemarketer for a day, just so I can say that." --Chaz
--"I really despise these automated telemarketers...it's frustrating that you can't be a smart ass at the caller." --Marvin
--Me: "You know, about a month ago at this time, this place was hopping at this time. Wha's goin' on?"
Chaz: "Hmm. I don't know. Maybe it's me."
Me: "I was thinking...maybe it's you."
--Me: "Is Grant asleepun?"
Chaz: "Maybe they made a new room, just because they don't like us. It's not him. It's a decoy. He's really in the other room. The cool room."
Me: I knew it! We'll find it and--and--"
Chaz: "Drive everyone away, again?"
Me: "Unleash our shaken-up cans of Mountain Dew on them!"
Chaz: "Yess!"
Me: "Oh, yeah, or that."
--"You could always plagiarize. It's how I got where I am today. That's right: North Carolina." --Me
--Chaz: "There has to be a way I can get my handwriting on my computer. I don't like much about myself, but I love my handwriting."
Me: "There has to be a way. I two stoopid too no how."
Chaz: Meh to."
Me: "I know no nothin bout compyooterz. I am uzeliz. That's right: uzeliz. Spread the word."
--Me: "*Claps hands in front of Grant's face* You guys, he isn't blinking!"
Missy: "You could always IM him."
Chaz: "That doesn't do much good if he's dead."
Missy: Are you sure? Jane's got some powerful IM's."
--Chaz: "See, you lived in a part of Florida where the people don't reek of urine or aren't tourists and, most importantly, not all three of those at once."
Missy: "You said two things. Aren't tourists, don't reek of urine--what's the third?"
Chaz: "Oh, I meant to say, 'old.'"
--Chaz: "I need to buy [The Secret Garden] on DVD, but...in disguise or online. Maybe I should buy it, along with a few pornos and a case of beer." --Chaz
--"Oh, well. I'm not too hurt by their efforts to alienate me." --Chaz
--"That's exactly how it is. We need to get new Chanel dresses." --Chaz
--Chaz: "I mean, all I wanted to to was STALK you."
Me: "Pshaw, is that all? Carry on."
Chaz: "Okay. I'm gonna need a wood-panel station wagon, purple sweatpants, and a NASCAR shirt."
--"I have this thing with calling people fatty and telling them to eat pie." --Chaz
--"Yeah! Them fool hippies, they be like, 'Can we be doin' this without no war?' and I be like, 'I kick yo' ass, hippie!' Then I kick they ass, 'cause they's just a bunch of ungrateful bastard hippies!" --Me
--Doug: "Today is my five-year anniversary."
Erin: "I'm approaching the two-year, myself."
Adam: "I'm approaching...the point where I click 'Post Message.'"
Kelly: "I'm approaching...the point where I beat yo' ass. I mean that in the most loving way, of course."
--Heather V.: "'BUSH IS SO STUPID! OMGZ!!!!!111 AL GOR3 IS TEH WINZ! STO0P!D IRAQY FAGZ WIT THERI BOMBZ N STUFF!!!!11'"
Jason K.: "h43w h4w haw let me try...'OMGZD I AM A POLISCI MAJORE!!!111 BAM, HERE'S SOME FACX!!!!211 HA, YEW ARE T3H WRONG AGAIN!!!'" That is one of the funniest things I have ever, EVER seen.
--"But, really, I couldn't CARE LESS about you and/or your anti-Moore opinions. He's ONE man. If you don't agree with him, who cares? I made that fucking 'I love Michael Moore' [thread] to cause a stir among the board members out of boredom, but you guys have taken it too far. If you don't like him, then do something about it, instead of complaining! Go to his house! Slit his throat! Decapitate his dog! Gauge his eyes out with a spoon! I DON'T FUCKING CARE! JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!!! I STARTED THIS SHIT, SO I MUST BE A HYPOCRITE! KILL ME, TOO! PLEASE! ALRIGHT? OK? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *STABS SELF IN EYE* " --Heather V.
Amante: "Oh, I got a funny story to tell you."
Me: "Do tell."
Amante: "There are these white ghetto dudes at our school, right, as there are in every school, right?"
Me "Right."
Amante: "Well, they started a 'gang' called The Crackers and they call each other 'cracka'' and shit all the time, it's so retarded."
Me: "Oh, Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ."
Amante: "I know. You wanna know what I wanna do?"
Me: "What?"
Amante: "I want to take them all down to the REAL ghetto, they'd all be shot within the hour--scratch that, minute."
Me: "Haaaaaahahahahaha."
Amante: "You know, the ghetto, where big fuckin' black dudes live, just dying to kick some guy's ass."
Me: "That is so great. Hold on, I'm gonna do some copy-and-past action. (S'gonna be hot.)"
Amante: "Seriously, though, they wouldn't make it...okay, I think I'm going to copy that, too."
Me: "Thar?"
Amante: "Yeah, I did it, too." And that, for reasons inexplicable yet, was very funny to me.
Amante: "http://www.claudatos.com/zelda/zeldabadguys.htmTell me that music doesn't make you want to kill yourself."
Me: "Not hearing any music there...should I be? Nevermind, there it is. If it's just a loop of that over and over, then, yes, it does make me want to kill myself. It appears that it is. Yes. Yes, it does make me want to kill myself. But it's strangely addicting. I think I'm just going to keep this page open in the background and let it play out for as long as it can. Which is probably at least half an hour. By then, I shall be stark-raving mad."
--Me: "*gets dizzy, keeps listening* *cries tears of blood, keeps listening*"
Amante: "*smacks head against board, continues to listen*"
Me: "*screams in mental anguish, continues to listen*"
--"This is all being said while listen to some fucked-up Zelda music." --Amante
--Me: "To quote my friend Amante, "Tell me that music doesn't make you want to kill yourself." http://www.claudatos.com/zelda/zeldabadguys.htm
Amante: "*shoots himself in forehead*"
Me: "Hey! I thought I told you not to be playing with your guns in the house! You've gotten blood all over the sofa! And it's upholstered in Italian silk! Nothin' gets blood out of Italian silk upholstery!"
Grant: "Not even fire?"
Me: "Not even FIRE!" *calmly sips her Coke*
Amante: "*lights sofa and everyone else on fire*" Fire makes me happy! Heee heee!"
Me: "*runs in slow-motion down the street in flames to the tune of Wax's "California"*
Amante: "*wants to make love on a burning sofa*"
Me: "*wants to eat a pepper turkey sandwich on a burning sofa*"
Amante: "*leers at WatercolorStain [me]* Come on, now Steph, don't be shy!"
Me: "Well, in that case...*eats a pepper turkey sandwich on a burning sofa*"
--"AHHH, EARTHQUAKE!...Wait, it's just the washing machine." --Amante
--"Okay, so any can everyone, like, clear the room, so I can get my mack on and spread the pimp juice on this burning sofa?" --Amante
--"Mmm...lesbian monitor sex." --Jason
--"Prime Minister, can we not agree that Oasis is the greatest band ever? Can we not vote on this? Davinci clearly enjoys calling people idiots. Can we not vote on this? Also, he didn't have tickets to the NYC show. I fear I might've ended up with his. It's called karma! Someday, you will get his tickets, too. --Carl
Me: "*squeals, covers her virgin ears, runs from the room*"
Amante: "SEX SEX SEX."
Me: "*can't hear you* *ears are covered*"
Susan: "Cheese."
Me: "*in another room*"
Amante: "DRUGS AND OTHER OBSCENE THINGS."
--"She's a fucking lunatic kid. She could run away and everything." --Addison, on Elizabeth Smart
--"Norweigian is the language from Norweigia --Susan
Me: "Su3sab, does anyone ever call you 'Su3sieb'? May I call you 'Sus3ie'?"
Susan: "No."
Me: "Okay. May I call you Melinda?"
Susan: "No. Can I be frank with you?"
Me: "Depends."
Susan: "Please..."
Me: "Will it leave me curled in a corner of the living room, crying?"
Susan: "Doubtful."
Me: "In that case, no."
Amante: "Oh, this should be good."
Me: "Please, never be Frank around me. I knew a Frank once, he had a glass eye. He was really old. And he annoyed me."
Susan: "But it's better than 'su3sieb.'"
Me: "It is?"
Susan: "Yesh."
Me: "Well, if you really feel that way...then feel free to [be] frank about Frank."
Susan: "*franks about*"
Me: "That looks fun. May I try it some time? Not now, of course."
Susan: "Feel free...any time...I don't care...just be careful."
Me: "[Susan]: ?2003 *franks about*...Careful of what?"
Susan: "Broke my knee once franking about."
Me: "Damn. That's some harsh shit. And some harsh lag on my computer."
Amante: "You do know that the both of you are out of your minds, right?"
--Susan: "A-ha."
Amante: "Dammit."
Me: "Yes? Yes, dear? What was that?"
Susan: "I said, 'A-ha.'"
--"This guy just called us and asked if he could talk to the Republican in the house and I told him we're all Nazi dictators." --Amante
--"We are so quote whores. Wait...quote that. And quote me saying, 'Quote that.'" --Amante
--"I can speak Spamish. I can say, 'I have just eaten the television.' I can say it in Phrench, too." --Susan
--Susan: "Manger la tele."
Jason: "You had better not be speaking freedom in here..."
--"I went to sinfest.com on accident once." --Susan
--Susan: "7007132"
Me: "8675309!"
Jason: "I don't like Jenny."
Susan: "It means 'tootles!!'"
Jason: "She's a slut."
Me: "Yeah, Jenny's a real bitch."
Susan: "I don't know Jenny."
Jason: "::kicks Jenny in the junk:"
--Haha, I feel like such an asshole today. --Kallen
--Grant: "I have yet to see any of these Kevin Smith films."
Andy: "That is because you are a veak who won't go to Iowa."
Liam: "I would read the phonebook if Kevin Smith wrote it."
--"Well, that point may be so, but on the other hand...I just reckon y'all are total fags." --TMFKAA Neither any particular point nor anything offensive had been brought up beforehand.
Adam: "Addictions and Obsessions: Name yours."
Leia: "Sex."
Jeff: "You dirty whore...where do you live, again?"
--"I'm addicted to Coke...a Cola." --Jill
--"I'm addicted to gum. The reeeally strong stuff, where the flavor lasts and lasts and lasts and..." --Sara
--"Watch out, girl, you da' bomb and Bush may wanna drop you!" --Jason K., pretending to be Michael Moore
--Andrew: "maybe they should bomb moore instead, he;s a communest in liberal clothing"
Marvin: "maybe we can bomb moore when he is in bed with saddam? kill 2 birds with one stone"
Me: "we should bomb everyone whos opposed to the war!11!11 stupid hippies always saying 'ooh i like the grateful dead and jerry garcia's still alive hey lets all go listen to some phish' I HATE PHISH LETS KILL EM ALL KILL TEH FUCKIN HIPPIES11!!11!!!"
Nathan, pretending to be Al Jardine: "I dunno About Hippies, buuut Mother Fucking Mexicans better stay the fuck off my Property. Them MOTHER FUCKERS keep stealling the hub caps off my Mini-Van. Bitches thats my baby, my pride and joy. Them little 5 foot 2 inch beaners better WATCH THE FUCK OUT. They already cost me $500 fucking dollars. GOD DAMN It I'm gonna buy my shitty ass some Rottwriller puppies and bring them up the old fashioned American way, beating them hard and good everyday and teaching them to bite Mexicans. Hell fucking yeah. To teach the puppies this I'm gonna show them some videos of mexicans doing shit like jumping over the boarder, running from the police, hitting pinyatas and shit. and then i'm gonna hit the puppies over the head with some bloody meat and yell at them "BITE MEXICANS". Once they get that shit threw their heads i'm gonna chain their mean ass up in front of my house. Cause one way or another them little beaner fucks are gonna learn that my Mini Van AIN'T NO GOD DAMN TACO BELL. Homie don't play that" All grammar and punctuation left as it originally appeared.
--Me: "GO, DAD! KICK 'IM TO THE CURB, GIRLFRIEND! Err, wait, sex confusion."
Jason: "Hahaaha, that cracks me up...*wishes he had a quotes page*" Because I couldn't then not put it on The Quotes Page.
--"My, how unintelligent I just became." --Kasey
--"My sentence syntax and choice of diction seem to be steadily on the rise. I think it's because...I have no theory. Maybe I'm going through a pompous stage." --Kasey
--"Hey, Mom, I'm going to jump out the window? Okay? *no response*" --Amante
--"Daredevil is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Don't go see it. I'll pay you not to go see it. Please." --Kasey
--"*after I rant jokingly about it being the 42nd day of the year* Okay, who hid Stephanie's prescription?" --Paige
--"The next time someone comes into the store and becomes irate over our lack of pay phones, I think I'm going to say, 'Yeah, I guess that's not very convenient, is it?' Then, I think I'll pretend to find that very funny." --Me
--"Hell, when I call, and if Nathan picks up the phone, I'll even sound like a porn star. :) *with deep bassy voice* 'Hi. Is Stephanie there? Yeah, this is Andre. Can you tell her that I called and I want her to know how good last night was?'" --Jason
--"Mmm...lies...I like lies. They're fun. Just like a yo-yo." --Jason
--"Jeeziz...it's getting hotter than a Nelly song in here." --Andrew
--"Enjoy the war." --Michael
--"Pardon my freedom." --Me
--"Do you speak freedom?" --Me
--Me: "If you start to feel tired, you might stop somewhere and get some No-Doz or something."
Jason: "Or some crack."
--"WHOOO HOOOOOO! SEVEN HOUR BOOTY CALL! I mean...*ahem* I'm going to visit a friend." --Jason
--Daniel: "Are you okay, [Kelly]? You have had a lot of swearing in your posts lately...it's kinda scaring me a lot."
Kelly: "Sorry about the swearing. If I were going to make excuses, I'd say, 'It's finals week,' but that's the pansies' way out, so I won't even bother. I'm no pansy!"
--"Officially the stupidest debate ever!" --Jason K., on the debate Annie copped-out on when she realized no one was taking her side
--"17 year old girls are odd. I was one once...But not anymore. The end." --Kristen
--"Should I burn down my next door neighbor's house because I am afraid he might steal my lawnmower?" --Mike, making an excellent point
--"To be such a right-winger at that age, you have to be intellectually-stunted. I was one in my teens, but I grew out of it. I went to college." --Peter
--"Newest sign of the coming of the end of the world: I heard his version of 'Hurt,' followed immediately by 'Nookie' on the radio the other day. I never, ever thought that I'd ever hear Johnny Cash and Limp Bizkit on the same radio station--smoke 'em if you got 'em, everyone!" --Steve
--Peter: "You don't even know how much space is in your driveway.
Me: "I haven't a driveway."
Peter: "See?"
--"'WHAT DO WE WANT?' 'WAR!' 'WHEN DO WE WANT IT?' 'NOW!'" --Me, speculating on pro-war marches
--Me: "I'M CALLING YOU FROM THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN."
Amante: "Hello, who is it?"
Me: "IS VIOLET THERE?"
Amante: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong, err...direction of yelling."
Me: "NO I DIALLED IT RIGHT."
--Me: "Yeah, I'm an 'adult.'"
Amante: "You keep telling yourself that."
Me: "I keep telling myself that I'm a 'senior citizen.'"
--"Me: "Yo'."
Amante: "Yeah?"
Me: "Damned straight!"
Amante: "Woooord."
Me: "Home skillet!"
Amante: "Slice o' bacon."
Me: "Chicken an' gravy!"
Amante: "We are SO white."
Me: "HEY! I'm peach. Well, no, actually, I'm pretty white."
--"I like my women like I like my milk. White, pastey, and, umm...refrigerated." --Amante
--"Jesus didn't go around looking on everyone with disdain and telling them to chunk their Guns and Roses albums." --Dean
--"This is dedicated to Emaline Jones...the grooviest li'l thing to walk into a music store since...1980." --Dacre
--"Annie's got the skills to pay the bills." --Eli
--"I could only imagine the horrors of Annie as president...Today... Iraq. Tomorrow: Mars." --Adam
--*Gesey rants against the French*
Craig: "They are cowardly...but, then again, this war is wrong, so I don't blame them...but the American thing to do is to expect every European nation to support us, no matter what, because we are fucking America and we have the fucking bombs."
Jacob: "I can't stand how fucking ignorant the anti-French sentiment is..."
Kim: "*repeatedly bangs head against keyboard*"
--"French fries weren't even invented in France, for fuck's sake!" --Steve
--"If you hate the French, please - 1. Pledge your allegience to England and hum 'God Save the Queen,'
2. Forget about the Statue of Liberty--sorry, New York, we're going to have to remove that from you license plates.
3. Please, stop drinking your fine French wines and eating in their restaurants--no more truffles, French onion soup, French dressing--it is no longer couth to indulge in these.
4. If you have ever been on a romantic trip to Paris, stood a top the Eiffle tour or the Arc de Triomphe, visited the Louvre, or shopped along the Champs Elysee, please, erase your memory, burn your pictures, and destroy all purchases
5. Please, stop drinking milk you buy from the store--it's been pasturized--a dirty Frenchman invented that process. If you know someone who is blind, please, tell them not to read Braille--he was French, too. Art lovers--yeah, I'm very sorry, but no more Monet, Renoir, Matisee, Gaugin, etc., etc.--they are French, too.
6. Ever seen Moulin Rouge? Better go burn it--it's in France.
7. If you like knowledge, then I'm sorry--the French boast Blaise Pascal, the Curries, Descartes, and Jacque Cousteau--please, burn their works and forget any knowledge that they have contributed to the world.
8. Any Protestants out there? Jean Calvin--yep, he's French, too.
9. Andre the Giant was French--enough said." --Steve
--Phil: "Do Americans understand Ali G? I would have thought that jokes about the 'Staines massive' would be right over your heads..."
Nick: "No, we're a bunch of stupid, fucking idiots who don't get jokes."
--"I refuse to let the government FUCK with my fast food. I will eat my FRENCH FRIES until the day I die. Messing with FAST FOOD TRADITIONS because of war? IT IS NOT worth it! What's next? Freedom Fried Chicken? Democrispy Pinto Burritos? NO I SAY! NO!" --Andy
--"So...I was at work today, and I dropped this cup and it hit the counter and was going to fall on the floor...but there was this guy there to catch it...but instead of putting his hand out to stop it, he decided to use his crotch. At the same time, I was reaching out to grab the cup before it fell off the counter. ...but it was stopped suddenly by this man's crotch and it made me touch his penis. And that is the worst thing that's ever happened to me at work." --Kristen I went to Kristen's site earlier and it was chock-full of funny stuff. So don't let all the quotes scare you, I'm not stalking her...currently.
--"Three things ('Carrying Cathy,' a Flash movie, hamsters) that don't make me cry on their own...COMBINED...into a sad movie." --Kristen
--"I really can't stand Ryan. I fucking cannot stand that guy and I hope he gets run over by a runaway Swan Food truck. (No other truck will do.)" --Kristen
--"Oliver Beene is a stupid show and it's not funny at all and it makes me sad to watch it. BUT!...it is narrated by David Cross. Which makes me not sad to watch it. The end." --Kristen
--"Don't IM me and ask my name. Honestly. If you can't figure that much out by my screen name alone, then you deserve to have your eyes eaten by zombie squirrels..." --Kristen (which is in her screenname)
--"Of all the simple pleasures in life, strawberry-flavored lipgloss is my favorite. I don't leave home without it and am usually wearing it. You would know this if you kissed me frequently...which you probably don't." --Kristen
--"So shut up. If no one asked, then no one cares. Fatty." --Kristen, on sites with "Why I'm Not Christian" sections
--"My ovaries = dead." --Kristen
--"Check out these cool quotes from women throughout history. Then go out and start a riot!" --Kristen
--"[H]ave you listened to the lyrics of her songs? They're so mind-numbingly shallow that they make me want to stick forks in my ears and then EAT THEM so I don't have to listen to them. 'She was a girl. He was a boy. Can I make it any more obvious?' Thank you, Avril, for those thought-provoking words of wisdom." --Kristen
--"I dunno...I thought the rating system was overrated *badump chink*...Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week." --Joel
--"Use a name that radio stations will feel comfortable saying and concert promoters will like pushing...something like: The Fucking Niggers, Elizabeth Smart's Kidnappers, Blowjob Seekers, Heroin For Children...you will be instantly famous with any of those..." --JHC
--"Urine Luck (I thought of it while peeing, true story.)" --Chaz, suggesting a band name
--"Try: Blue-Eyed Vultures Rip at Kate" --Laura F., also suggesting a band name
--Flip: "Here's my dirty secret: I post on a website entitled www.benfolds.org almost everyday."
Hugo: "Wow...that's fucking sick."
--"When I was five years old, I was in a day care center, and, for some reason, had more sexual desire than I do now, so I dry-humped a floor in front of twenty-five people. I still remember what the lady in charge said. It was in some ghetto-ass voice..."OH MY GOD! HE'S HUMPING THE FLOOR!" I'm willing to bet that nap mat was not the same after that." --Jason
--"I liked Creed. Alot. I burned a couple of their CD's and when they're on the radio in other people's cars and I'm too polite to scream out, "CHANGE THE STATION!" I find myself involuntarily humming along." --Sara
--"You know the days you celebrate between Good Friday and Easter Monday?...Well, no, just kidding. No secret there." --JHC
--"I bought a lot of clothes hangers and gallons of bleach and started my own abortion clinic." --Marvin
--"I called my mom a bitch just a minute ago...and she got offended at the idea that she might actually *gasp* be a stupid fucking whore-ass cat-sucking bitch!" --Adam
--"I beat a nine year old girl in basketball today and taunted her mercilessly. It was great." --TB
--Derek: "I feel so violated!"
Jeff: "Yeah, I definitely feel violated."
--Jason: "Well, no."
Me: "But, yes!"
--"Insurance rates run higher for Olivers, since they are more likely to get beat up." --Lisa
--Andrew: "Who I hate: Sadam, Osama, anyone who dislikes America, Liberals, gay people, and artists who don't write their own songs."
Julie: "Gay people?"
Joel: "Gay people? Love the sinner, hate the sin..."
Adam: "I only dislike gay people if they try to be gay toward me. If they try to be gay toward my friends, then that's all right, it's funny as hell to see how they react. Oh, and AKS: You're a fucking freak. You can quote me on that one."
Julie: "My housemate is gay. I get angry at him, because he's not stereotypically gay and doesn't come shopping with me and can't help me do my hair! He's a useless gay! USELESS!"
Ryan: "I smell bad, really, really, terribly bad, like wet-ass on a fat guy. And if somebody pretends to be me and says that this message was from someone else, they're lying, and you should cut their balls, like in Fight Club. I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!! BRAD PITT IS HOTT! BEN FOLDS SHOULD DO THE SOUNDTRACK, HE'D MAKE IT AWESOME! P.S. What's your fave Folds song? Mine's 'Golden Slumbers.' It's so totally Ben."
Nathan: "'...Artists who don't write their own songs.' There goes most of the best music of the sixties..."
John: "Oh, yeah, those four freaks from Liverpool couldn't string a melody together to save their souls."
Nathan: "By the way, Andrew, is this you? http://www240.pair.com/tomtom/media/gra/r2k/sm/r2k14.jpg Nice demonstration. I especially enjoy the all-inclusive 'misc. heathens.'"
Me: "Tell you what I hate. I hate it when you buy one of those little tubs of Country Crock at the store 'cause you're looking forward to some good ol' Spanish rice and buttered toast, the dinner of champions, and you use it a few times and then you run out of bread and then you buy more bread, but then you're sick of buttered toast for a while, so the margarine tub sits in your fridge for months and you one day remember it and look to see if it's still in date and it still has over a month and then you look inside and there's tons upon tons of the good stuff inside and you know you'll never, ever be able to consume that much and you feel your cholesterol level rise just thinking about it...Damn, I hate that."
--"I've never seen him. Not even a picture. Well, okay a picture. A few. And some videos. And DVD's and whatnot. BUT not in real life. Or maybe he was walking down the street once. A long time ago. And I happened to be in the same town as him, for some reason. Before he was famous. And I thought, 'Hey. There's some guy.' And kept walking." --Me, on Ben Folds I don't feel that this is worthy of the quotes page, but Fred has used it in his sig. This is my way of celebrating. Huzzah!
--Jessi: "Seventeen-year-old girls...why are they evil?"
Nathan: "I dunno, but good job alienating a fair proportion of the people here. Keep it up." Later, after several people agree with Jessi...
Erin: "Hmmm...I'm beginning to think I didn't do the whole Being Seventeen thing right...why didn't someone tell me I was supposed to be evil?"
Phil: "Erin, on your 17th birthday, your mum was supposed to sit you down and explain it all to you. 'Girls go through certain changes at your age. Something dark grows within them until it escalates to Satanic proportions. I want you to know that this is completely normal, and don't feel like a freak when you get the urge to destroy. We all go through this. I was a right little hell-raiser when I was seventeen. It's a passing phase.'"
--"Rory, that link owned me." --Andy
Me: "You've been drinking your milk, haven't you?"
Wout: "Let me tell you: yes."
--"My hugs are MINE! *crosses arms*" --Wout
--"Saving the world and conversing at the same time, it's not easy, you know. (Saving the world, as in sitting on a chair and staring at a computer screen)." --Wout
--"Even if I just look at my printer...I feel bad for him...printing all those pages...color, black, and white...and what does he get in return? NOTHING! *pats printer on the back* I think I'm going to give him some milk...okay, he doesn't want it...that guy sucks! Pff!" --Wout
--JHC: "I never, and I mean never, watch CNN."
Jason K.: "Let me guess, 'It's all biased, man, but when I do watch, I watch Faux News.'"
--"I don't know about you, but I for one, expect nothing but the best from my bigots." --Sean
--Attn: anyone ever in a debate: To whom it may concern, Debates are ghay. Yew are ghay. Yore factx are stewpid. Doesn't the insipid reality of arguing on the computer depress you? I'd rather be skating." --Jason K.
--"Money is absolutely no problem, unless I have to pay for them myself, of course. Please?" --Wout
--Adam: "Okay, I'm thinking of a word. It's not kitty."
Me: "PINK!"
Adam: "Hah! I lied. It was kitty."
--Me: "But then, who of us can say that ducks have not touched our lives?"
Juliana: "Certainly not me."
--"Girls Gone Wild: Aerial." --Rich's suggestion
--"Dude, those videos suck. They're like...Moms Gone Wild, they're all old." --Adam
--Sarrah: "If you think that Ben Kweller looks like Craig Nichols from the Vines, you must have a problem."
Matt: "I have a problem? Oh, no, I have Downes' Syndrome just because I think two people look similar and you don't! Someone kill me."
--"I LOVE THIS SONG SOOOO MUCH! THIS COULD POSSIBLY BRING ME TO EJACULATING WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING MYSELF! SERIOUSLY!" --Derek
--Nathan: "Raise your hand if you think Nathan is a madman."
Jason: "::raises hand:: Anyone with that much knowledge about the Beach Boys, etc. HAS to be a madman. :)"
Nathan: "By 'etc.' you mean hot sensual lovin', right?"
Jason: "Exactly."
--John: "If Nathan was across the water, he'd be an E.J. album/song title."
Nathan: "If I was in someone's pants, that would be shoplifting or porno."
--"I was thinking (and since this is my thread, I can do that)...What if this was WilliamShakespeare.org? And people had names like HappyDagger? And the most frequent thread topic would be 'WERE ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN QUEERS????'" --Nathan
--Matt: "So, what is 'Brick' about?"
Andy: "It's about your mother, and how hilarity ensued."
--"DUBYA HAS TAKEN OVER ALL THE SHOWS, EXCEPT '7TH HEAVEN'! WHY, CRUEL WORLD? PLEASE JUST TAKE MY LIFE NOW...DON'T MAKE ME LIVE ANOTHER MINUTE THROUGH THIS! AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! CAN'T...TAKE...IT..." --Mara
--Paul: "Selling any cars?"
Andy (a car salesman): "Yeah."
Paul: "That's good. We don't want you out on the streets. Or hanging around our parking lot, panhandling."
--Charlotte: "I'm gonna take the trash out, now. Can you guys watch me in case some homeless guy jumps out at me?"
Paul: "Yeah, we'll wave bye when he gets you."
--"Ooh, now she has something to discuss over dinner. *high, mimicking voice* 'Would you believe they don't have hair brushes there?'" --Paul, on a woman who just couldn't quite believe that we don't sell hairbrushes
--Jeff: "He's the president, deal with it."
Me: "Yes, deal with the image of him masturbating!"
--"What would this world be like without people to make fun of?" --Ryan
--"Um, how about...you're wrong!" --Martin
--"Of course, there are lies, damn lies, and statistics, so I don't think these numbers mean a whole lot." --Michael
--"Actually, just ignore anything I post on this link. It's probably for the best..." --Ed
--"No, I'm pretty sure it's one of those things that everyone comes up with at some point and they think they're the first to do it. Like masturbation." --Jason K., referring to an idea over which people are arguing for credit
--"I told my friend that he and I should pool all of our money and buy an assload of Lockheed Martin stock. Then, he punched me. Then, we both laughed. And now we're poor." --TB
--Tom, quoting a CNN.com article: "Still, the prospect of war left seven in ten respondents feeling worried."
Me: "The other three were like, "All right! Let the carnage unfold!"
Michael: "Actually, the other three very misguided people were like, 'God will cheer loudly as those beautiful F-117' strike with great force and precision and the Tomahawks come into play and all the rest of America's great armed forces join together and form a great symphony called, Say Sayonara Saddam.' Scary how close you were to the truth, huh?"
--Nate: "As far as I'm concerned, if you don't vote, you can't complain or protest."
Me: "I voted against Bush! Do I have free reign to bitch now? ALL RIGHT!"
--Nate: "I also would like to point out that I've never participated in these approval ratings polls. Where can I show my support for Bush?"
Me: "Find the largest local mall and wander around for long enough and the poll will come to you."
--Jason, on playing Monopoly with his sister: "She's just kicking the shit out of me."
Me: "Don't let her kick you in the junk, dude!"
Jason: "::blocks junk::"
--Jim: *after Tom rants, unprovoked, about Saddam Hussein* "I don't mind him that much. His moustache is bitchin'."
Tom: *referring to something else entirely* "Where are you getting that info?"
Jim: "It's opinion...I think his moustache is bitchin'...I really don't have anything to back it up, other than the moustache itself."
--Nick: "Afghanistan is now once again the world's largest heroin exporter! WAY TO GO, U.S.A.!"
TB: "Plus, they play that game with the dead goat...somebody HAD to put a stop to that."
--"Sometimes I think he's just trying to piss off the French." --TB
--Kasey: "Hi."
Me: "Look at you. Assaulting me with your "hi"s."
--" I'll have to see it for myself some time. And get all depressed for a time which, in all reality, I actually hated. Like '70's-nostalgiars!" --Me
--Me: "'Remember to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated.'"
Jason: "Oh, I'll be hydrated, all right."
--Jason: "Funny, our mothers seem like they'd get along perfectly."
Me: "We should hook them up. They could go bowling some time."
--Jeff: "Words you never want to hear again: herre."
Brian I.: "Whose bra is this?"
Jason K.: "Oh, looks like JHC and Adam are online!"
Sarah: "Knowing Jesus H. Christ is online makes me smile--just to know there's someone clever enough out there to think of THAT name for use on a messageboard. Not."
Jason: "You're such a fat fuck."
Aaron: "You have epididymitus."
Joel: "Turn and cough."
Jessi: "You are fat and ugly, bitch.Take a fucking shower, whore."
theberrage: "Your body is a wonderland."
Jeff: "I'm so ghetto."
Lisa: "My therapist says..."
Thom: "That's illegal, you know...I don't care if it's your cat."
Brian: "50 Cent."
Michael: "Your mom.REPRESENT!"
Jess: "I'm going to put you in a BIN!
--"I'm so scared! Steve, please, hold me." --Sean
--"Steve, you so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby." --Flip
--"Isn't there a college basketball thread you should be posting on somewhere?" --Jason K.
--"I wish it were the '80's again...and...I think I like Electric Light Orchestra." --Thom
--"I love how simple domesticites can be a flare for violent sibling warfare." --Laura
--"Don't think I can't see you. I can... oh, I can." --Adam
--"This thread has served its purpose. It may now die honorably. --Adam
--I saw a guy tonight in South Perth who was wearing a shirt that said, 'I bet you're wishing you voted for Al Gore now!' Thought it was brill." --NJ
--"'Hey! I think I hear a dingo eatin'your baby!' I laughed so hard at that." --Laura
Wout: "Okay, your turn!"
Me: "Okay: Truth or Dare?"
Wout: "Truth! Dare would kind of suck, doing online, like, 'Go to that XXX website,' or something."
Me: "Okay...in any given week, how many times do you talk to Mr. Toodles, your favorite stuffed bear?"
Me: "'Go to that XXX website--get spammed for the rest of your life!'...Fred, you didn't answer me."
Wout: "Uhh...the only thing i have left is a favorite strawberry. Mr. Toodles died."
Me: "Don't lie. Why are you always lying like that, Fred? Mr. Toodles did not die!"Wout: "He did! When I woke up..."
Me: "Don't ever say that! He can't die!"
Wout: "...I noticed he had choked under me. I KILLED him!"
Me: "You killed him! MURDERER!"
Wout: "Is THAT what you want to hear?"
Me: "*weeps into Mr. Toodles lifeless body*"
Wout: "On a lighter note: be right back."
Me: *notices it still absorbs pretty well, even after all these years*
--"When you asked about the battle earlier, I was going to say, 'A robot battle?'...And then, yeah." --Barb
--"Chess, it was a good game, but today is the day we seperate the fanboys from the fanmen." --Jason S.
--Wout: "What game should we play?"
Me: "I don't know. You pick."
Wout: "Are you calling me a pick?"
--Me: "You pick!"
Wout: "You're scary."
Me: "Me? You don't have to rub it in.
Wout: "ARE."
Me: "Yes, I am! Whatcha gonna do about it? You gonna pick me?"
Wout: "No! I'm going to call you...a SOFA!
--"You stole my line! You pick!" --Me
--Me: "Must be an European thing."
Wout: "Let me tell you who's European: you are!"
--"Your mom. *-+ My falling headphones typed that. Looks like a cracked-out smiley." --Jason S.
--"If Laura was two words, she would be LA URA." --John
Wout: "How big is your nose, then?"
Me: "Well, it's fairly small, I'm just that talented."
Jason S.: "That's a very personal question."
Me: "Yes. And I'd resent it coming from anyone but you, Fred."Wout: "Well, it's personal. But not as personal as:"
Jason: "Personal questions only come from your best friend and/or your gynecologist."
Me: "How big is your harddrive?"
Wout: "That's not a question!"
Me: "My gynecologist is my best friend. But the thing is...I haven't a gynecologist."
Wout: "About 10 cm?."
Me: "Therefore, I have no friend. :^("
Jason: "Its good to be a guy."
Wout: "I'm a gynecologist!"
Me: "*shrieks in horror* Will you be my best friend? But not my gynecologist?"
Wout: "Can I be both?"
Me: "Well, if you really want to, I suppose."
Wout: "That sounded wrong."
Me: "But it might be a bit awkward."
Wout: "'Can I be your gynecologist?'"
Jason: "Friends with benefits."
Wout: "Oh, man..."
--Jason S.: "I'll type something in and then it'll take another 15 seconds for it to show up."
Wout: "It's called 'lag.'"
Me: "Yeah, lag bites."
Jason: "Lag can bite my ass."
Me: "Lag is a real picker.
Wout: "You = lag."
Me: "I am? NOBODY TOLD ME."
--"I'm letting you know that I'm your boyfriend now." --Wout (not talking to me)
--"I like how kids always had games called, like, Guns or, like, Smack You into the Ground." --Nathan
--"I had a teacher named Mrs. Armstrong in second grade, but then her husband died about halfway through the year, so we had this substitute, her name was Mrs. White, and I saw Mrs. Dora, my kindergarten teacher, at the hospital one day, because this was around the time that I had bronchial pneumonia, so I was at the hospital constantly, so, anyway, I was in the waiting room and I saw Mrs. Dora and she told me that Mrs. Armstrong's husband had died and I hadn't known that, nobody had, so then when I came back to school, I told the girl beside me, which was stupid, I shouldn't have done it, because she could never keep her mouth shut, her name was Cathy...Hunter...and it wasn't like it was some big secret or anything, but I felt kinda cool, 'cause I knew this and no one else did and then she told everybody and soon everybody knew about it and they were all talking about it and then, one day, Cathy turned to me and said, with wide eyes, 'Did you know that Mrs. Armstrong's husband died?' and I was like, 'What?! I told you that!' and she was like, 'No, Mrs. Dora told me,' and I was like, 'No, Mrs. Dora told me, I was the one at the hospital, I was the one in her kindergarten class'...but I think Cathy might have been, too...but anyway, once, I told Cathy that my house was haunted, just to see if she'd believe it, I told her that when I was two this ghost like that guy Kane in Poltergeist came into my room and lifted me out of the crib and that I actually remembered hovering over the crib and then my dad came in with a gun, 'cause he thought it was just some guy trying to kidnap me and he didn't know it was a ghost and when he tried to shoot the guy, the guy just disappeared into thin air and I fell, but I was right above the crib, so I just fell back into it and I was all right and Cathy was like, 'I bet you were real scared!' yeah, she actually believed me and stuff, she was really gullible, and then this one time we were at that park near our house, I was there with my sister and Cathy, who was my age, of course, and I was probably seven at the time, Cathy was there with her younger sister, like, she was supposed to watch her sister and they were there alone after sunset and these birds flew by and Heather told Cathy, 'Those are bats,' 'cause I told Heather that Cathy kinda got on my nerves sometimes and then Heather was, like, all trying to get Cathy to go home and stuff, so she was trying to scare her, and she said to Cathy, 'Those are bats, you know, you better watch out or they'll swoop at you and suck your blood,' and Cathy didn't believe her at first and neither did Cathy's little sister and then Heather told Cathy she knew 'cause our dad was a cop and he told us and then Cathy came to me and said, 'Are those really bats?' and I said, 'Yeah, those are bats, they'll suck your blood, you better watch out or they'll swoop at you,' and she finally got scared and went home and then later, she told me, 'One of the bats swooped at me!'" --MeThis is a fine example of an actual "conversation" with me.
--Adam D.: "Wait, was have an over 3000 making rules here? That's not cool."
Michael: "?"
--"Let's fight about it guys! Let's fight about my post and get all mad and stuff!" --Kristen
--Tim: "Pet peeve rule 6 - When talking to someone, please use their screen name and not their real name, so the rest of us can know what's going on."
Michael: "Good idea, Tim."
--"Madman...sure; snazzy dresser, I think not. Bush II wanted to be baseball commissioner and he somehow becomes President of the U.S.?! You figure that one out." --Sean
--"I don't care if he gave armies the right to kill in the old testiment. I would bet my ass that God deos not talk to King George the Second...I mean, Bush." --Zach
--*in the midst of an argument about the war on Iraq* "In the words of the great Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) in The Big Lebowski...Fuck it dude, let's go bowling." --Brian Q.
--"Let's quote Bush: 'Well, he did try to bomb my daddy.' 'The French don't have a word for entrepreneur.' The man waved at Stevie Wonder!" --Martin
--Sean (psycho): "I think that shooting yourself in the face would be better than watching Jimmy Fallon. He's not funny."
Brian Q.: "Really? 'Cause I really like shooting myself in the face."
--"Pee-ehnom-anm. The last m is silent. Like lamb, except that's a b and not m." --Dion, on how to pronounce his screenname (pianoman)
--"When you are tired, Scrabble is even more fun. Especially since you start to think things like...WOW. I rock. And then you get a 17 in Scrabble. Total." --Racheal
--"Why don't we start calling Truffaut films 'freedom films'?" --Nathan
--"Hmmm...someone on AIM...or the .org...who uses the word 'truly.' It can only be ONE PERSON! And I don't know them." --Me
--"Zach Friendly has a mohawk and he's a huge Ben fan. And he's my dad." --Leia
--"*8 points awarded to s_coin me for 'bhang'*
Laura: "What?! How is that a word?"
Jason: "It's one of those false words."
--*Karishma_1001 has joined the table.*
*kickitinthejunk (Jason) has booted Karishma_1001 from the table.*
--*mrfish1961 has left the table.*
Me: OOOH! HE COULDN'T TAKE THE PRESSHA!"
--Me: "I should quit, then come back just to look...and see if anyone else can do anything with my crappy-ass letters."
Laura: "Heh, yeah, good one." I leave.
Jason: "HEY. YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASS BACK IN THERE." I return.
Jason: "Thank you. :)"
--"Jase--you're blue, now. MANLY blue." --Laura
"Ovulating does wondrous things to you, Steph. --Kasey
--"Smiling uses less muscles than stabbing your parents." --Kasey
Me: "Man...Man, oh, man...Damn...'Man' is almost 'damn' rearranged. Och."
Kasey: "Yeah..almost."
Me: "Fucking hell...Helllll...Hhhhell...Hell."
Kasey: "Lelh!"
Me: "Lhel."
Kasey: "Phest!"
Me: "Seyka...damn."
Kasey: "YESAK!...mmm-hmm?"
Me: "Seyka and ye shall find, work and ye shall prosper...damn. Shoot me."
--Me: "I walked outside earlier to see how warm it was...One of the neighbors was on their/our porch, smoking...He stared at me, so I finally said, 'Hey, how's it going?'...He said, 'Did you ever get your car started?'...I had no idea what he was talking about...I said, 'Uh, yeah, we, uh, we have trouble sometimes, but, uh, we got it, um, yeah, but, thanks...' and went inside...I wonder if I'll ever go outside again."
Kasey: "What a freak."
--"He asked me to go stand next to the car door and he CUFFED ME TO THE CAR DOOR! Well, they started to search my car and I did not want to just stand there. I started slow-dancing with their car. I lovingly laid my tired head upon the stong rim of his car. We rocked back and forth to sweet sounds of Ben echoing in my head." --Zach, upon having been handcuffed to a police car for no real reason
--"It hurts to be the man..." --Adam
--Annie: "You guys have no fucking idea what a madman is. You live in FREE countries and there are plenty of dictatorships out there that live under real fucking tyranny."
Claire: "And then there are presidents that, to detract attention from an unsuccessful search for a wanted terrorist, will decide they need to make an example of an entirely unrelated dictator and, by demanding to inspect their weapon supplies and placing deadlines upon these inspections, will threaten to remove these weapons by force if the demands are not met. I wouldd describe such actions as mad, myself. Although, as I have no 'fucking' idea, please disregard this post."
--"Wow--if I send this on to four people--my wish of 'ending world suffering and having a limitless supply of bologna sandwiches' will come true...if only I weren't so lazy! --Steve C.
--"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! DON'T YOU DIE ON MEEEEEEEE!" --Annie
--"If the truth hurts you, take two Advil." --JHC
--I am blessed with wonderful doggies that don't use my house as a toilet...They dont chew stuff either...except when they get pissed at me...Then, the bathroom garbage they get into, which isn't much more than a few tissues, and they leave their mess right next to the garbage can...my GOOD, GOOD PUPPY DOGGIES!" --Jessi
--"You're like...a vacuum cleaner! That's what you are!" --Wout (who was not trying to be suggestive)
--"My ideas suck. Well, in general, they do. I had a good idea today. My neighbour's [pen] was out of ink. So I stole my other neighbour's pen. But more about that later." --Wout
--Grant: "Why didn't you tell me?!"
Me: "I thought you knew what you were doing, sorry."
Grant: "Psh...Do you know me at all?"
--Wout: "Whoever 'they' are."
Grant: "They...the Nazi supermen."
Wout: "I never thought I would say this, but in that case, Nazi supermen suck."
--Wout: "*drinks some soup*"
Me: "DON'T DRINK THE SOUP, JUST GO! Just kidding. Drink all the damned soup you want."
Wout: "Lool who's talking."
Grant: "Don't tell me to lool."
--Grant: "Fred, have I been on my game? Tell me."
Wout: "You're better than you were last time."
Grant: "Last time what? Last time we made love?"
--"I hate peppers. And Red Fusion. And YOU. No, not you. But the other things." --Grant
--"Hey, I resemble that comment!" --Rich
--Brain Q.: "I was watching Letterman and he had his stupid pet tricks on. This guy had a Doberman that would walk to the fridge, open it, pick up a beer with his mouth, bring it to the guy, take the guy's empty beer, and put it in the recycle bin. Dude...I WANT THAT DOG."
JHC: "I saw a dog go to the refrigerator, notice there wasn't any beer in there, grab the car keys off the kitchen counter, drive to the nearest liquor store, buy a case of beer, put it in the car, drive back home, drag the case into the kitchen, put all the bottles in the refrigerator, wait two hours, go back into the kitchen, grab a bottle, open it and drink it, and then do the same thing with another five bottles and then go to sleep...at least I think I saw that."
--Me: "No, I decided that I don't like Trix after the banana-berry split. The banana cuts down on the flavor. Mellows everything else out in an unpleasant way. Damn the people at General Mills for changing Trix. Damn them."
Jason: "Damn them straight to here."
Me: "YEAH! *surreptitiously copies to quotes page*"
--Adam D.: "Get this, my ex girlfriend, who I dumped two years ago, 'cause she was a bitch, constantly tries to get me back by saying lines like, just now, 'You sound like a Ninja Turtle."
Me: "My boyfriend once told me that I was the second-smartest girl he knows--and I was supposed to be flattered!"
--Laura: "If I'm in Melboune when you come--I'd totally pick you up from the airport. Mabye...eh."
Jason: "What do you mean, 'IF'?!"
Jason: "I mean if."
Me: "Otherwise, you'll have to walk."
Laura: "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."
Jason: "Why wouldn't you be there?"
Laura: "I don't know."
Jason: "You need to be. :("
Me: "If she was doing something important at the time, like sleeping..."
Laura: "Stef? You know what?"
Me: "What?"
Laura: "Hehe."
Me: "What, what, what?"
Laura: "You're really very cool. Okay? And funny as hell."
Me: "So what your saying is...I should shut up?"
--"I drive a manual like a motherfucker." --Laura
--Me: "Not that I'm exactly Miss Manners."
Jason : "True."
Me: "WHAT YOU SAY GRRRRRRR...Just kidding. Not that that made sense, anyway. But, still, it was just a kid. A little kid. One of those really annoying ones who run around in public going, "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
*no response*
--Me: "Jason, why are you inside my head again? I told you, it's off-limits on Sundays."
Jason: "Yeah, Jason, why are you inside her head?"
--"They should rename the chatroom Awkward Hangups. Just 'cause. I think that'd be funny." --Me
--"YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS TOO WISE. Mine just ran around, mumbling and shitting herself." --TB
--"I still claim my allegiance to tacos." --Kevin
Doug: "Wipe your feet, were you brought up in a barn?"
Andy: "I was brought up in a barn and I take offense to that. Let's go to war, you and I."
--"Yeah. Don't make me explain how the .com board works, because I will. Oh yeah, I will. It's my secret weapon, baby." --Doug
--Evil strikes again! Evil always triumphs! Except, um, when it doesn't. But those are just exceptions." --Toby
--"Has that actually happened to you or do you just have friends dumped by strippers?" --Kate
--"I'm on Yahoo now. It's important that you get on now. I mean it. Or else. If you can't, that's okay." --Peter
--"I am by no means a Republican, but if this board doesn't stay blue, I'm gonna get very upset and take it out on small businesses. If this were a Michael Jackson website, maybe frequent changes in color would be appropiate, perhaps even cosmetic surgery, but this is very far from being a Michael Jackson website. In fact, I would never visit a Michael Jackson website, but if I ever did by accident, or one just popped up, and that site had a counter on it, I would contact the webmaster immeadiately and ask him to decrement their counter by one. So in any case, don't change the colors. Brian I.
--"That's SICK...No, really, what is it?" --Wout
--"You're still welcome, though. VERY." --Wout
--"*Pulls out guitar, strums softly* Freddie's sleepin' / He's sleepin' at the computer / I'm singin' this song about it / Playin' my guitar / Though I don't really know how to do that / Well, not in any way that would be recognizable as music / Freddie's sleepin' / He play's soccer sometimes / He gets concussions, too / The doctors tell him, 'Take painkillers' / But they don't say it in English / No, no, never in English...NEVER IN ENGLISH...*rocks out*" --Me
----"A-HA!...Okay, I have no point." --Wout
--"*Pulls out guitar, strums softly* Freddie's playin' with his unit / Talkin' 'bout his minidisc player, mind you / He don't know how to use it yet / At least, not earlier this afternoon / But maybe he'll learn one day / Said, maybe he'll learn one day / MAYBE, ONE DAY HE'LL LEARN *rocks out*" --Me
--"*Annie rips off her shirt and jeans, tosses aside her socks and shoes* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! If that doesn't stop the war in Iraq, I don't know what will." --Annie
--"Hey, I was just threatening you, no hard feelings! --Wout
--Wout: "You messed up his computer. Nice."
Grant: "I messed up YOUR FACE."
Wout: "Did you, really? My face is just the same. You have the wrong guy."
Me: "He meant me. But he was too late."
Grant: "Nah, it was Fred. Went fuckin' Picasso on his mug."
Me: "That's going on my quotes page, too."
--"Their violation of your right to sleep invalidates their right to not be shot by you." --Grant
--"Ben modeled 'Stephen's Last Night In Town' after Fred trying to leave a chat room." --John
--Wout: "Yeah, I know for sure now that my English is all due to music. And its lyrics."
Me: "You should write a book about how you did it. But. Write it in English. And don't tell the readers that this is your story. And then, at the end of the book...SPRING IT ON 'EM! It'll be the twist-ending of all time."
Wout: "Wait, could you explain ONCE more?"
Me: "Mmm? Sure. You write a book."
Wout: "Go on..."
Me: "About how you used music to learn English. BUT."
Wout: "Go on..."
Me: "You don't say, 'This is how I did it.'"
Wout: "Go on..."
Me: "You tell the story of how someone you know did it. And then...at the end of the book. Inform the reader that this really is your story. And they have been reading a book...this entire time...by someone who doesn't speak English natively."
Wout: "Hah! I GET IT!"
Me: "And it'll be the surprise ending of all time. Remembered for generations. 'A Classic!' --Bookweek"
Wout: "Like World War II?"
Me: "Yeah! Only without all the amputated legs."
Wout: "*high fives Steph*"
Me: "Okay, amputated legs, if you like. *high fives Wout*"
Wout: "*quotes page*"
Me: "I was pondering the same thing..."
--"I haven't been doing it anywhere close to the basis that I did before December. And it's not like I did it all *that* often before then. So lately, I've been going days to weeks without it. It's okay. We stay in touch... --Jason K., on masturbation
--"Glen Clark...that's the name of the 'villain' in my script. But hearing the name Glen Clark just makes me want to start wailing people left and/or right." --Brian
--And, no, I'm not a thief...my mommy didn't raise a thief! --Chrissy
--"Sean (Anakin): "Ha, this sort of reminds me of the VD is For Everybody CD I made for my friends for St. Valentine's Day."
Jason: "VD is For Everybody? *tries as hard as possible to not take that the wrong way*"
--Jason: "People are ignoring BOTH of us."
Me: "That's the story of my life! Well, not really."
Jason: "It's the story of mine."
Me: "People Are Ignoring BOTH of Us: The Stephanie Coin Story...People Are Ignoring BOTH of Us: The Jason King Story...People Are Ignoring BOTH of Us: Jason King and Stephanie Coin Tell Their Respective Stories."
--Me: "When I work on my quotes page, you're the only person whose writing I don't have to go through and correct. Thank you for that."
Grant: "I try. You are welcome."
Me: "If I had to do that on top of everyone else's, I'd probably just keel over and die."
Grant: "And we wouldn't want that."
Me: "Speak for yourself!"
Grant: "'Cause then VP Nathan would be in charge. And 'God Only Knows' would become the national anthem."
--*in the journal at work*
Brandy: "Could one day possibly get any worse?"
Paul: "YES!"
Me: "Indeed. For instance, once--I saw a stick in the yard."
Charlotte: "What the...???"
Paige: "Steph, are you sure you remembered to take your medicine today?"
--"People think I'm gay just because I suck dick for money...oh, wait..." --Grant
--*quoting a website upon which middle schooler's Ways I Would Make the World Better essays were posted* "'I could listen more and that would make the world better because then I won't make a mistake that might cause global warfare. (Ryan G, Grade 7)' BWAHAHAH! What are the parents telling these poor children? '9/11 WAS YOUR FAULT RYAN. GO TO YOUR ROOM." --Kallen
--Jason: "My Bowser looks funny."
Me: "Don't tell us about your bowser, dude!"
Jason: "WAIT!"
Me: "Some things are private!"
Jason: "SHIT!!!"
Racheal: "Blow in the cartridge. Nintendo does mess up sometimes."
Jason: "No, I mean the stuffed Bowser that's in front of me."
Me: "In that case...huh?"
--Me: "When DarkVulkan speaks, he must be obeyed."
Juliana: "Or ignored. As the case may be."
--Phillip: "Meh, 'u's suck anyway. They should replace 'u's with the letter '?'."
Me: "I agree. Yo? sho?ld start a petition."
--Jason K.: "Anyone know how to say, 'Die fatties,' in espa"
Brad: "Se mueren gordiflones."
Jason: "Thanks! See, kids, hatred knows no language barriers!"
--"I'm the patron saint of whacking it to paraplegics." --Grant
--Jessi: "Oh, you mean the Bible beaters haven't come and chastised this thread? Or maybe they have...I didnt read the whole thing.
Jason K.: "Gesey, you're a stupid, fat whore. Shut your Goddamn mouth or cram it full of cake; whichever gets you to be quiet is fine by me. "
--Me: ":^) ?2003
Jason: "NOICE."
Me: "Actually, my friend Peter was the first I saw. I got it from him."
Jason: "Well, you just offically stole it. In fact, now it has to be in your autosig for at least 15 minutes."
--Me: "In sixth grade, in home ec class, we had to get into groups and present ways to relax...and these two slacker loser idiots came in the next day with no thought put into it...and presented...screaming. And they kept demonstrating...and the teacher couldn't get them to shut up...and a bunch of my classmates started doing it, too...and then we all got in trouble...which wasn't cool...but it was worth it...The way they did it was the best, they put their backpacks over their head first..."
Sarah: "That rocks so hard."
--Me: "Or you could just use the tab key for the rest of your life."
Grant: "Yeah, BAD idea. Really bad idea. Really, really bad idea."
Jason: "I actually prefer it...Not really. Because it sucks my ballsack."
--"I should post tabs for EVERY PUNK SONG. Meaning one set of tabs and the disclaimer, 'You might have to change key.'" --Grant
--"Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window." --Robert (apparently)
--Me: "The neighbors who are on the other side of our bedroom wall are always, always screaming at each other, accusing one another of things, etc. Yet ALL NIGHT on Valentine's Day...night...I had to listen to their headboard hitting the wall and her fake moaning."
LS: "You should scream stuff just to get to them. But stuff that makes no sense. 'WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE PORCUPINE? YOU FUCKER! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU KILL SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE AND NOT CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN! YOU LEFT THE TOASTER IN THE BATHTUB AGAIN, YOU LAZY BASTARD!
--Me: "I think your theory was proven correct."
Jason: "Which?"
Me: "About the pointless posts being the most successful. I bet by tomorrow, it'll be a hate thread."
Jason: "Oh, yeah, heh, probably."
Me: "'You ate Cheerios for breakfast once? FUCK YOU!' 'No, fuck YOU! It's my lifestyle! DON'T INSULT IT!' 'You're a fag!' 'No, YOU'RE a fag!' 'You!' 'You! Faggy! Faggy! Fagboy!' And then someone'll come in and tell everyone to shut the fuck up. Then, everyone'll say, 'Right on.'Then, someone else'll come in and say, 'I think it's funny. YOU'RE ALL FAGS!' and it'll start all over again."
--Me: "Fred, did you sign my guestbook yet?"
Wout: "*sigh*"
Me: "If you don't, I'm going to steal your bike. Because I want one."
Wout: "Can't one be intrigued by a movie page nowadays? Go ahead...I have TWO. Mwhahahaaa..."
Me: ". . . . Yeah, but one of 'em's probably an old granny bike, like in "Rushmore." And I'm gonna steal the good one and then you'll have to ride around on your lime-green banana seat. Bahah!"
Wout: "That's my MOTHER's bike you're talking about! Oh, well, we don't want THAT to happen. There's only ONE solution..."
Me: "Yes."
Wout: "*closes garage door*"
Me: "Damn you, always one step ahead."
--"My parents are annoying. They think I care about them." --Adam
--Me: "So what did they do at the hospital? Take x-rays? Prescribe painkillers? Something besides GIVE YOU A TISSUE?!"
Wout: "Well, they did take picture. But they just said to me, 'Take painkillers' (in Dutch, of course)."
Me: "How would you say that in Dutch?"
Wout: "Neem pijnstillers."
--CD, on Avril Lavigne: "Advil sucks bigtime. Talentless, well-marketed trash."
Kallen: "WOW. Nobody knew that."
--"I 'll bet when Morry was a mod, he could make scrambled eggs with his mind." --Jessi
--"So, Morry...when you were a mod...could you fly?" --Jessi
"I feel the love in this thread. It's a crazy board out there, guys. But we have each other..." ---Jason K.
--Andrew: God, this thing is gay."
Adam: "Gay like a FOX!"
--Steve: "OK if you have an ID of more than 5000, and would like to rate messages, please post in this topic once with the word "register" as the message. To the current raters, please use your vote to rate each person on whether you think they should be allowed to rate others messages and threads. Vote up for yes, down for no."
Adam: "Register." [not rated]
Jessi: "Register." [5]
Chaz: "Register." [7]
Mel: "register." [10]
Me: "Register." [7]
Daisy: "Register." [6]
Catherine: "Register." [3]
Kate: "Register." [5]
Eli: "Register." [6]
Lisa: "Register." [5]
Claire: "Register." [2]
Adam: "Fuck you, asslickers." [-2]
"Simon and Garfunkel: what can i say, other then waiting for them to stab each other to death...I will now predict a reunion Simon and Garfunkel tour." --Adam H.
--Rosa: "There is nothing quite like dreaming about the person you are in love with and then waking up cuddled up to them."
Dion: "I think dreaming about someone, then waking up next to them, would be kinda freaky."
--"I avoid fights of all kinds . Well, except for that one time when someone touched my shoulder and I totally snapped. 'Sorry', he said...I hit him in the eye and that was that." --Wout
--Me: "I went outside, once."
John: "What happened?"
Me: "I saw a stick in the yard."
--"Okay, he sent me an email telling us that he can't work on a group project for Spanish while he's in Knoxville...I think he misunderstood...that you DON'T HAVE TO SEND EMAILS IN FUCKING SPANISH!" --Jason
--Annie: *after Grant announces he's leaving due to a headache* "Grant, I just got here!"
Grant: "That's just a coincidence, Annie."
Annie: "There are no coincidences, Grant. Only fate."
Me: "*suspenseful music*"
Grant: "Wrong. It's all coincidences."
Me: "*more suspenseful music*"
Wout: "*close up on Grant*"
Me: "*close up on Annie*"
Grant: "*camera hits Grant in face; head hurts even more*"
Me: "*far shot of Grant falling out a third-story window*"
Wout: "And...CUT!"
--"Cameras just don't like you. That's not fate." --Wout
--"Whoa, a tree just slammed into my neighbors roof!" --Jenn
--"Before our road trip yesterday, we stopped at Best Buy and got one of those portable speaker sets, to hook up to your Walkman...and Nathan stuffed the speakers down his shirt and is walking around the house with it on...and that...is funnier than words can say..." --Me
--"Where's that music coming from?" --Nathan [see above]
--"It sounds like it's coming from the vicinity of my crotch." --Nathan [see above]
Nathan: "I cried when I saw 'VIRGINIA WELCOME CENTER - NEXT EXIT' last night."
Adam: "Hah, thought that said, 'vagina welcome center.'"
Nathan: "I wouldn't be crying then, Adam."
Adam: "Well, if the girl's getting so much dick it needs a welcome center..."
--"Okay, I think I'm going to Hell. 'Night, you guys." --Jason
Steve C.: "You said, 'no drugs'--but, man--Nyquil--the nightime sneezing, coughing, stuffy-head, gee, I never knew my kitchen floor could be quite so comfortable medicine..."
Jason: "Wow, that is the funniest thing I've seen in two days."
--"Don't you hate it when you have something really funny to say and then you say it, but it's not funny at all because you use the word 'kike'?" --TB
--Dad: "I'm gonna have to go to the eye doctor again soon...I think I need to get stronger ones."
Me: "I ought to, but I doubt I could afford it. Mine still work pretty well, but...Aaah! Loud train!
Dad: "You have a train near your place I'm assuming or one has left the track and come down the road."
Racheal: "I used to have a turtle."
John (whose screenname is ZipDaze): "Did you name it?"
Racheal: "Yes. Zippy."
John: "What did you name it?"
Racheal: "Zippy."
John: "Nuh-uh."
Racheal: "It's name was zippy. Yes."
John: "No way. Really?"
Racheal: "Yuh-huh."
--Me: "Jason Mraz...sucked."
Peter: "Who?"
Me: "Some singer. 'Musician.'"
Peter: "Oh. Jason?"
Me: "Yeah."
Peter: "He probably has trouble singing through the hockey mask."
Me: "That could get in the way. He gets a lot of blood on the microphone, too. That might cause problems."
Peter: "He holds the mic and an ax at the same time."
Me: "With one hand! And a machete in the other."
--John: "I think Fred said it best: *copies following chat transcript from earlier that day*"
Wout: *at random* "You won't paint bunnies, Zip."
Grant: "You won't do that, Zip."
John: "Don't tell me what I won't do."
Wout: "You won't paint bunnies, Zip."
--"Cats was the product of a bizarre era of our nation's development. It's best to ignore it and move on." --Grant
--"Grant, stop the bullshit." --Rich
--"Cats, people that have a lot of clown decorations in their house, and snake handlers are things/people that creep me out the most." --Chaz
--Annie: "Aren't we all into cream cheese and masturbating?"
Me: "No way! I hate cream cheese."
Annie: "Oh. Color me embarrassed!"
Me: "Okay...not that much."
--"Yeah. everyone's all like, 'Shhhh!' and you're all like, 'That guy's fat! Eat some pie, Fatty!'" --Chaz
--"If Ben Folds goes to Israel, I will absolutely go to that concert, regardless of my schedule demands." --JHC
--Wout: But, Grant, can't you just send me the whole directory now? Is that possible?
Grant: "I see how it is. It'll take some work."
Wout: "No, no, just put them in one dir, 'send dir' . . . . and done."
Grant: "That's the work I'm talking about."
--Wout: "Oh, well, we had a girl in our [soccer] team once."
Me: "Ypres."
Wout: "She did shower with the guys."
Me: "Was she really manly?"
Wout: "Yes . . . . she wasn't straight . . . . "
Me: " . . . . Did you still feel odd, though?"
Wout: "Well...let's just say...yes, I did."
--Me: "Are you on AOL or AIM?"
Wout: " . . . . Is there a difference? . . .. "
Me: "AOL is when you actually pay for the program."
Wout: "Oh, heh."
Jason: "Not necessarily..."
Wout: "AIM, then."
Me: "AIM is when you just download the IM thingy."
Wout: "Just the thingy. Thrust me."
Me: "Oh? Oh, my..."
Wout: "trust*"
--"Your Brother Is A Tool! A new sitcom coming to UPN this fall. Check it out Mondays at 9pm after Chillin in South Central." --Sean
"You and your brother are tools of the devil. How dare you! You have offended me and I think your brother must be retarded. Are your mother and father siblings? I think you should slap your brother in the face. --Sean, to Andrew, upon Andrew's little brother thinking Wout's screenname, benfolds, meant he was "the ben folds"
--"MURDER!
I'M GOING TO!
YOU!" --Sarah
--"Stop talking to me, Stephanie!" --Grant
--"You know what I really want in a girl? Me." --Jason
--"Stephanie = my hero" --Jason
"Hey, Zach: Tell Jason to: 'Get the fuck out of here, you little bitch...'
Jason: Tell Zach to: 'Add more notches to mah belt, you piece of horse shit.'
Zach: 'Make me.'
Jason: 'More notches, bitch!'
Zach: 'I'll give you a notch....I'll give you a knuckle motherfucking sandwich.'
Jason: 'You'll give me that shit, and I'll eat it like cornbread.'
Zach: 'You'll eat it like you just said it, shit.'
Jason: '?....You know what I meant.'
Zach: 'Go to Hell.'
Jason: 'No.'
Zach: 'Yes.'
Jason: 'No.'
Zach: 'Yes.'
--Flip
--"Oh wait. You're an evil communist AOL user." --Adam
--Adam: "You're an evil nonconformant, using AOL aren't you?"
Me: ". . . . I most certainly am."
Adam: "I'll tell you what my dad tells people. 'That's not the real Internet.'"
Me: "AOL is evil. EVIL."
Adam: "Why use it?"
Me: "But it's not so expensive and it serves its purpose well enough."
Adam: "AOL is monsterously expensive in comparison to other ISP's which offer better service and access."
Me: "Eh. I'm too lazy to look around. It suits me fine, evil as it is. I like it."
Adam: "The phone book gives you good listings."
Me: "Eh. AOL's fine with me. I'm going to use it to take over the world."
Adam: "You can't. It'll crash."
Me: "But luckily it's better than AOL Australia."
Me: "Damn, has it been tried?"
Adam: "They give you 'unlimited access,' but each time you connect it costs you 25 cents, and they cut you off after 30 minutes of online time to 'protect you and your computer.' Or, if you want to translate that into the TRUTH, it means that they're money-hungry NAZI's."
Me: "AOL? Doesn't do that here...or are you talking about Australia?"
Adam: "In AUSTRALIA...evil evil evil online services."
Me: "Ah. In that case, I wholeheartedly endorse your statement."
Adam: "So if you connect to the internet for 2 hours per day, that's 50 bucks per month in internet. Actually, over there, it would be 90. Which is the 60 dollar internet fee plus 30 for connection which adds up to about 43 in american)."
Me: "Sucks for them. Those convict bastards."
--Grant: "I like the thing with all the plastic balls. 'Cause you never know when there might be a rotting corpse underneath them all. It's fun to search."
Me: "Yeah, that was what they wrestled in. At one point, whoever was filming shouted 'There's someone coming!' and they had to hide under the balls. Eww."
Grant: "That sentence has so many possibilities."
Me: "They also hid in the bushes near BK one night and filmed one of those same guys walking through the drivethru...Aaaaaaaah! You're right. Now, I will laugh."
Grant: "I think I'm saving that one. I will post it out of context and see if people can figure out what the correct context is."
--"[Black Beauty and Ginger's] romance is a sweet one, involving a lot of running and nibbling and pawing of the air and kicking of the heels, until, alas, they are separated: 'It was our last time together in the big pasture,' says Beauty, sounding like the voice-over for a retirement fund, 'but it was something nobody could take away from us.' Later, Beauty hears Ginger whinnying - from heaven, I think." --Roger Ebert's review of Black Beauty (1994)
"I appreciate your concern... wait... no..." --Heather V.
--"For those just tuning in...a re-enactment...
Anakin: 'Go see this movie, it's good, guns suck.'
JHC: 'Gurrr, whut you say about guns, boy? Here's what you didn't see in the movie...'
Stephen: 'Did you like the movie?'
JHC: 'I didn't see it; how else would I know what you didn't see in it? Durh!!! So anyways, blah blah blah......because criminals knew that tourists would not have guns to defend themselves.'
Me: 'H4w! Tell it again, Pa!'
JHC: 'Whut? You don't agree, boy? Why, I oughta take you to teh wood shed! Grrrr Conservative geeerrrrr.'
Me: 'H4w! Tell a different story!!!'
JHC: 'Whut? Once there was these people, and they got their heads burned because gun control is bad!!!! Duh!'
Me: 'Haw!!!! It's funny cos it makes no sense!'
JHC: 'I'm going to bed. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.'
And in the encore...
JHC: 'I read your auto-sig.... Grrrrrr, made me angry, boy!'
Me: '...'
JHC: '...'
Me: '...'
JHC: '....Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!1111111111111111111'" --Jason K.
--"His name is Hans Anguelmuiller, so you can see he is not very Irish." --Jason K.
--Me: "One time, I was at the 4-H fair with my cousin Lacy and we were on the Ferris wheel. We were stopped at the very top, because they were letting people off below, and I said, 'Hey, woudln't it be cool if they forgot and let us ride again for free?' Less than a minute later, the Ferris wheel started again and we got another ride for free."
Kasey: "Hahaha . . . .
Me: "The next ride we went on was that...spider thing. We had already gone around once and were waiting for someone to help us out of the cart. No one was coming. I said, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if...' and then one of the workers walked by and gave us an extra spin."
Kasey: "Dude..whoa."
Me: ". . . . Yeah, but then the worker who helped us on saw us and came over and helped us off. Damn. Then, we went on the Scrambler. Lacy said, 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we got to ride again for free?' Didn't happen. Didn't even come close..."
--Me: "My dad bowls every Thursday at Franklin Lanes. Or Diamond Lanes, I don't remember which. Anyway, he has since I was in sixth grade. In middle school, I'd go with him a lot, 'cause Lacy's mom would go, too, and bring her, and my cousin Daniel . . . . would be there, too, and we'd all hang. And there was a little caf頷here no one ever ate, so we always sat there and talked and played cards and the person at the counter generally left us alone. And there was a jukebox in there, with lots of really crappy music on it. And one day, Daniel said, 'I wish we had some change, we could play some music.' I said, 'Wouldn't it be cool if we hit the coin return and money came out?' We kind of laughed and Daniel punched the coin return playfully and we heard coins drop into the coin return below. And we looked and, sure enough...there were a few quarters. So we played some crappy music, it was better than nothing. And then it was over and Daniel said, 'Too bad we don't have anymore.' I said, 'Wouldn't it be cool if we hit the coin return again and more money came out?' We laughed and Daniel punched the coin return again and more money came out."
Kasey: "....You are psychic."
Me: "So we played some more music. When it was over, everyone looked at me and I said, 'Wouldn't it be cool if we hit it again and more money came out again?' So Daniel walked over and pushed it and more money came out."
Kasey: "WTF..."
Me: "So we played some music. When it was over, Lacy said, 'Hey, what if we hit this button and money came out?!' and run over and hit the coin return...NOTHING HAPPENED. Daniel went over and pushed it, too. Nothing happened. He told me to say it again, so I did, and then he hit and still nothing happened. He yelled at Lacy for breaking my 'chain' with the jukebox. And that was the end of that. But, anyway, pretty freaky, huh?"
--Me: "Once, at that same bowling alley, we made a makeshift Ouija board on some napkins and tried it. It didn't work, but Daniel suggested we form a circle, put our hands on the pointer, and concentrate and feel messages from the dead, instead. So we did that and then, just to scare Lacy, we pretended someone named Jimmy Ouija had contacted both of us simultaneously and told us he was with us. She didn't believe us and went to the bathroom and when she came back, I told her a man had walked in and I'd said, 'Hi,' and he hadn't responded and I'd said, 'Fine, be that way,' and the man had turned suddenly and said, 'I am Jimmy Ouija' and disappeared into thin air. She still didn't believe, until she asked me what he looked like and I said, 'The Quaker Oats guy,' without hesitation and Daniel immediately agreed."
Kasey: "Hehe..why did she believe you then?"
Me: "Because she didn't think we could have come up with a story that fast. We kept pretending to see him walking behind her and when she'd turn around, he'd conveniently disappear."
Kasey: "Hahaha."
Me: "And she went off to get a drink or something and Daniel and I noticed that we kept seeing the same guy every time we did that and we got a little freaked out, because he was always wondering past when we said that. I even thought he looked kind of familiar. We became convinced that we had made Jimmy Ouija exist."
Kasey: "Hahahaha."
Me: "We were hanging around outside the bathrooms and he walked by and Daniel said, 'There he is!' and Lacy jumped around and saw him and got scared and Daniel got a little freaked out, too, and then I got scared, too. So when he walked by again, I said, 'Excuse me--are you Jimmy Ouija?' He said, 'No, I'm Steve, and I work with your dad, Stephanie.'"
--Grant: "Nathan said you met on a Daria message board."
Me: "Yes, indeedy. On February 16th..."
Grant: "Ooh, anniversary approaching."
Me: "...Which means that I expect a large ring and lots of flowers on February 16th...so you should remind him."
Grant: "I will remind him. Twice."
Me: "Actually, I hate jewelry. And flowers. Buuuut...thanks."
Grant: "Okay, three times, then."
Me: "It'll be, uh, uh, uh...five...years. Yeah, five."
Grant: "Wow. Long time."
Me: "But we didn't actually, like, go out until over a year later. We were just friends. And I had a large crush on him."
Grant: "He told me about how it went down. It was a beautiful story."
Me: "Did he tell you the part about the guns and the bullet-riddled body? That was a little grotesque."
Grant: "That was the best part."
Me: "I think he usually cuts that bit out, now...Ah, so you did get the whole story. Just checking."
Grant: "Yeah, well, he trusted me to keep it under wraps."
Me: "You're a good person."
--". . . . I should be doing college-related work right now. But alas, college-related work sucks it." --Grant
--Me: "orp]kj pogar gikaop i gpoafkgofkgdlfkgf'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Oops, sorry."
Grant: "In my language, that's an insult. Take it back.
Me: "I take it back! It was a joke! Call your dog off!"
Grant: "HEEL. Good boy."
Me: "Now I've only one shoe to my name. It comes between the 'steph' and the 'anie' part. *drum roll* Someone shoot me."
Grant: "Stephshoeanie?"
Me: "That's right. That's my secret name. Nathan made me change it. He said it was 'an embarrassment.'"
Grant: "Pshh. What does he know?"
Me: "Yeah, his name's really Nat5629han."
Grant: "::writes it down::"
Me: "He's working on his memoirs and the working title is, My Name Is Nat5629han (The 5629 Is Silent)."
Grant: "Heh heh. Filling out standardized applications must suck. With the bubblees. That's right, bubblees."
Me: "Yeah, he used to whine about it a lot, especially around SAT time. I knocked him upside the head with the butt of my .38 a few times and he finally stopped complaining all the time. And feeding and dressing himself...Oops. Oops. Gotta proofread my IM's...'India Hopes to Clone Cheetahs.' Err...yeah."
Grant: "Wow, is that true? Any of that?"
Me: "Only the first two."
Grant: "Aw, the world needs more cheetahs. And quickly."
Me: "Cheetahs are many-splendoured things. Cheetahs are like oxygen. Cheetahs lift us up where we belong--all you need are cheetahs."
Grant: "Moulin Rouge had a suspicious lack of cheetahs, I noticed."
Me: "Yeah, what the hell was that about?"
Grant: "I expected more. I was saddened."
--Grant: "You know what really bothered me is how they were singing Smells Like Teen Spirit! I mean, that song hadn't been written for almost a CENTURY."
Me: "Yeah! And Like a Virgin! It's like they didn't do ANY research into the era or something!"
Grant: "Actually, a LOT of those songs were WAY AFTER the movie's setting. Yeah, man. What the fuck."
Me: "As Nathan put it--'All that absinthe lets him hear music--from the FUTURE.'"
Grant: "Quite so."
Me: "There was also a shameful lack of John Leguizamo's shins in the film. It was like they were mysteriously...edited out or something."
Grant: Heh heh. They didn't go over with test audiences. So they were cut."
Me: "Poor John. What did his shins ever do to anyone?"
Grant: "I've heard some stories...."
Me: "Leo has really ugly hands. I always notice."
Grant: "Good in his last two movies. I've never noticed that. He's kinda squinty."
Me: "Really? Then how do you explain that page you have devoted to them?"
Grant: "I don't explain that. It goes unexplained."
Me: "Ah, well. In that case...okay."
Grant: "It was on Unsolved Mysteries once."
Me: "I think my VCR was broken that night. Damned VCR! I weep for what I've missed."
Grant: "Damn. It was a good one. And they'll NEVER rerun it. Way too much controversy."
Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!...Like that one episode of Itchy & Scratchy."
Grant: "Just like that one."
Me: "I'll buy a copy from you. $25? $30? Or is it...surely it's not...priceless?"
Grant: "Oh, I don't have a copy."
Me: "Aww."
Grant: "It was confiscated."
Me: "By the KGB?"
Grant: "The CIA and the KGB both."
Me: "I have that problem with a lot of my homemade mixed audio tapes."
Grant: "They seldom work together, but this time they had a common enemy."
Me: "And that enemy was a man named...Edwin McCain."
Grant: "::brain explodes::"
Me: "Dammit! Look at the mess you made!"
Grant: "::looking requires use of brain, which is exploded::...::brain magically reforms::"
Me: "Ah, JESUS, you got cerebral fluid in the fish tank! CEREBRAL FLUID IN THE FISH TANK!"
Grant: "Hate when that happens. It's good for the fish."
Me: "Does it happen often? That must be troublesome.
Grant: "Yes, it does. I should get that looked at. But I'm lazy."
Me: "Is that a sign that you're mindnumbingly bored and are regretting ever IM-ing me and will kill anything necessary to make this conversation end?...Plus, it's expensive. Doctors are greedy assholes."
Grant: "No no no. I had just reached my crazy-out-of-left-field-conversation-turns limit. And that's what happens. But it's okay. It's to be expected."
Me: "WOAH...two orange Runts + one banana Runt = The End of Civilization as We Know It. Note the "woah.")"
Grant: "I never made that connection."
Me: "Ah, true enough."
Grant: "But by Jove, you are correct!"
Me: "Touch鮢
Grant: "You have the upper hand. For you know how to type the accented e. Damn you."
--"I think the most underrated album of all time would have to be Thriller. Thriller was released in the 1980's by a little-known black kid named Michael Jackson and sold a modest amount of copies. A lot of people don't understand how influential this album was in ending racism in America. There was a time that a certain channel we will call MTV didn't play videos with 'colored' people in them. Then, Michael Jackson made this video and somebody at MTV thought he was just a very tan Caucasian and let it go out on the air. The executives at MTV were livid, but it was too late. The revolution had begun and it was televised. If it hadn't been for Michael Jackson, then you wouldn't be able to see all of your favorite 'urban' artists. There would be no 2PAC, Biggie, or even Justin Timberlake. So show respect to Michael Jackson. Unless he kicked your dog, like he did mine. I will never forgive him for that." --Sean
--Kasey: "It's not standing, by the way: your argument."
Me: "It's whimpering in the corner?"
Kasey: "It's like..lying there, being ghettostomped by my overwhelmingly logical mental process."
--"Yeah, you probably shouldn't be mud-wrestling in white clothes. Then, you won't have that problem." --Me, After a Teenaged Girl Comes in Complaining about Something Dark Smeared All over Her White Jeans
--Junior: "Hey, what happened to your Little Debbie stuff?"Paul: "We stopped carrying it."Junior: "Why?"Paul: "Stephanie didn't like the delivery guy. She really gave it to him this morning, you should have seen her. She said, 'Pack up and get the hell outta here, I never wanna see your worthless face again.' I've been trying to stay out of her way all morning, I don't want her to yell at me, too."
--Me: *in a note to the manager, left taped to his computer screen* "Paul, may I please have off on Wed., Feb. 26th and Thurs., Feb. 27th? Thanks! --Steph"
Paul: *found written at the bottom of the note the next day* "HELL NO!" It was later underlined and then highlighted with a yellow marker.
"Once, Nathan and I were standing around in the kitchen when the phone rang. Nathan pounced on it and answered. He said, "Yes...yes...uh-huh...oh, really?...yeah...yeah...Oh, my God, you know what? I DON'T CARE!" and hung up. Turning to me, he explained simply, "Telemarketer," and we went back to standing around in the kitchen." --Me That really happened.
--Me, As We Watch Moulin Rouge!: "What if this is the way Baz Luhrmann thinks all the time?"
Nathan: "Whoooooa..."
--"I'll bet this movie has been known to cause ADD." --Nathan
--Me: "Okay, but do you think he'd be more jealous right now or more heartbroken?"
Nathan: "I think he'd be ready to torch someone's house."
--"You're a good man, Dick, I don't care what Steph says. I've argued with her about it several times, she just won't listen." --Paul
--*after a crazy-looking customer comes in and leaves* "Did you see that guy? He looked like he thought They were after him. And They were everywhere. He probably thinks we're two of Them. Look at the way he's looking at that woman in that van over there. He thinks she's one of Them, too. He's just sitting out there, trying to think of a place to go where They can't find him." --Me
--"Ohh, that's right, if you didn't work on the holiday, then you don't get your paycheck today." --Paul, Teasing Me Because I Had off on New Year's Day He's the one who wrote the schedule! I would rather have worked!
--"Yes, that's right, it's Exact Change Friday!" --Paige, Explaining Why She Initially Forgot to Give a Customer Their Change
--"Don't mind Stephanie. She's mean, but if you ignore her, she'll go away." --Paul
--"Okay, John's your replacement, so teach him everything you know--oops, I wasn't supposed to say anything!" --Paul
--"825-3762 Any single lasy need a young single sexy black male with a job" --On a $10 Bill
Current Quotes We Are All beyond the Pale Home
So that's me, standing at the door after I opened it, looking up: my back fading into the darkness and my front bleached out, looking up to see where the bird had gone. I couldn't of course but that's me doing it anyway.
