When you’ve lived as long as I have, you come to realize that people spend a very large portion of their lives denying how they really feel. When you’ve lived as long as I have, you find new and interesting ways of denial.

And when you’ve lived as long as I have, you have lots of time to regret all the denying that you did.

I spoke with Giles the other day. I’m sure he’d rather have spoken to Cordelia, since he still treats me with the barest hint of civility. Not that I blame him. I know the only reason he tolerates me is because of Buffy. But he needed someone to talk to, and I got elected.

He talked about duty and how it was so frustrating to be on the outs with the Council and not have the numerous contacts he’d had in the days of being a Watcher. Not that I think he would go back to that, even given the opportunity. He said he’d stick by Buffy’s side, and he will, 
until he dies. Or she does.

But being away from the Council and his sacred duty, being away from the propaganda that they spout out day after day, I think Giles is starting to realize that he might actually have a chance at a normal life. Well, if normal includes finding a woman who can accept a teenage girl and her friends running in and out of her house at all hours of the day.

Giles doesn’t think he’ll ever find that woman. He didn’t say so, not in so many words. Actually, he didn’t bring it up at all, but I can tell from the tone of his voice and the ranting Cordelia does after talking to him, that he’s hurting. He’s lonely.

Living as long as I have, you also learn that loneliness is the hardest thing in the world to live with.

What’s so sad is that Giles has the woman he needs right in front of him.

He has the woman who can give him everything he needs and wants, everything he wishes for, right before his eyes. She’s there for him every time, even now. She’s supportive; she shares his passions. She loves Buffy as much as he does. She knows the score and wouldn’t be jealous of the time that Giles has to spend with the Slayer.

She understands.

And that, I think, is what scares him. I think it horrifies him to realize he might fall in love with someone who is at much at risk as he is every day. I think it horrifies him to know that someone else he loves could die.

Not that it isn’t a well-grounded fear.

But what he doesn’t realize is that he’s fooling himself if he thinks not telling her how he feels would make it any easier if she died. And when it happens, years from now – I hope - he’ll see how very wrong he was when he has to wallow in grief and regret, hating himself for every day that had the chance to tell her.

He also doesn’t seem to realize that you don’t choose who you love. You don’t have any say in it, no matter what fairy tales you decide to tell yourself. If you could make a choice, do you think I would have chosen Buffy? Do you think she would have woken up one day and said “Hey, can I have the most vicious vampire in all the history of vampires be my boyfriend”? No.

Does he really think that he would have chosen his Slayer’s best friend?

It’s not a choice. Love takes you by the back of the neck and flings you to the person you deserve, the test you have to pass. Love isn’t a benevolent force that holds you in its embrace. Love is vile and spiteful, horrible and mean. Love picks the person who will hurt you the most when they leave you. But knowing that, the moments you spend together are all the more sweet.

So Giles loves Willow. And he knows it’s wrong. He knows that he can’t. He knows all the things he’s supposed to know, except the fact that, when you’re in love, sometimes you break the laws of convention. Sometimes, the Slayer loves a vampire.

Sometimes, the Watcher falls for the witch.

And, sometimes, just by the luck of the draw, just by the magic turning of the wheel of fate, the vampire loves the Slayer, and the witch falls for the Watcher.

He doesn’t see it; is afraid to see it, I think. But when I listened to Willow rant at Thanksgiving, when I listened to her complain about Oz leaving her, what I really saw was that she was angry with herself. She was mad that she trusted someone with her heart.

And when I saw her with Giles? When I hear about their more frequent fights now, when I know that they’re together researching something again, I can’t help but smile because I know that deep down inside, where they keep their secrets, they’re both wondering what it would be like if the fates were smiling.

If they had the courage.

If they could just make the choice.

But, I don’t see it happening.

Then again, if you’ve lived as long as I have, you also learn that human beings have an infinite capacity to surprise you.

--End--