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Part 6
By Ladyglen
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Hand still on the doorknob, Sage looked furtively up and down the hallway, then exhaled a heartfelt sigh of relief. He'd half expected Mika to be lurking about, ready to waylay him the moment he set foot outside of Ryo's room. It seemed he was safe... for the moment.
Tossing his head to flip his bangs from his eye, Sage put the girl from his mind. If she showed up again, he'd deal with her, but for now, she was out of his life. Rowen wasn't; Rowen was his life... or he could be if only Sage could figure out what to say to him.
What could be said? Rowen would be anything but receptive after that kiss. Sage knew he could hardly just blurt out, 'Rowen, I love you. Let's get naked'. Rowen would either laugh in his face or make him a pincushion, and neither reaction was one that Sage wished to elicit.
That kiss. More than anything, Sage wished he could go back and do it all over again, change the way he had reacted, but that was impossible. For better or for worse, he'd forced himself to be detached as his lips had touched his friend's for the first time, he'd forced himself not to lean into the hand that Rowen had placed on his cheek, he'd forced himself not to draw that strong, slender body closer to his own.
Rowen had put a great deal of himself into that kiss, enough, at least, so that when Sage had barely responded, the archer had been hurt. This once, keeping himself safe had been a tremendous tactical error. Perhaps the greatest one he'd ever made. This once, finally, he should have taken the opportunity to submit to the desire that had consumed him for so long. But he hadn't. He couldn't. The habits of a lifetime were too deeply ingrained, and now he had to deal with the fallout.
Could the situation be salvaged? Yes, or so Sage had to believe, for the alternative was unthinkable. Sage shook his head again, wishing that the room he and Rowen were to share that night was on the other side of the hotel. Two doors down the hall didn't leave him with a great deal of time for strategic planning.
Sage paused just outside his room, rummaging through the pockets of his trousers. All the strategic planning in the world wouldn't do him any good if he couldn't find the damned key card. Frustration growing, he slipped his wallet out of his back pocket, fruitlessly expanding his search.
Ten bright cheery-red blobs wiggled cheerfully up at him as he replaced his wallet. Ah hell, his toes! With a groan, Sage remembered removing his jacket the same time he'd taken off his shoes and socks so that Mia could paint his nails. Idiotic game! The card was in the jacket, and he'd left the jacket behind in Ryo's room. He *couldn't* return there so soon after leaving if he wanted to avoid more teasing than he was up to handling at the moment. This night was turning out disastrous. What else could go wrong?
Not knowing if Rowen would be willing to let him in, Sage let his head fall forward until his forehead hit the room's door with a resounding thud. It was as good a way to knock as any.
A bad dream. This has all got to be a bad dream. Please... Please just let me wake up. Do anything. Please... Won't someone just make it all go away?
Don't delude yourself. It happened, there's no escaping that fact. Done some stupid things in your life, Rowen, but kissing your best friend has *got* to be the most asinine. Never should have surrendered my illusions. I have nothing now. Maybe if I just pull the covers over my head, I'll sleep. Maybe in sleep, I can forget...
*THUD*
Wha...? What the hell was that? Sounded like someone dropped a cinder block in the hall. Wait, the door... Oh, no. Nononononono... Please, don't let it be...
*knock* "Rowen?"
Oh hell, it is. Sage. There is absolutely *no* way I can face him.
*knock, knock, BANG* "Rowen, please wake up and let me in."
Let him in? What happened to his key? Why can't he just go and spend the night with one of the others? Maybe in the morning it'll be easier to pretend this entire miserable night never happened.
*knock, knock..., THUD* "Rowen... please?"
Oh, god, Sage. He almost sounds... lost. Why does he have to do this to me? How can he make me want to just take him in my arms and comfort him with two simple, little words? How can he twist my heart like this? He doesn't even have a clue that he can... and does, all too often.
I am screwed. I can't do it. Can't just ignore him and leave him there in the hall... no matter how much I don't want to talk to him. If I'm back with the covers over my head again before he's even through the door, then maybe I won't have to.
*click* Door's shut, but I don't hear footsteps. Wouldn't anyway; he's so graceful, so light on his feet. Wait... A sigh? Slight rustling from the other bed... and nothing more. Well, Sage, I guess there *isn't* anything to talk about after all. Thanks *so* much! Why was I so worried? I'm the only one having a severe crisis here. He, most likely, isn't even aware of a problem.
What happened to not deluding yourself, Strata? He doesn't care, remember? I didn't want to talk to him, and I'm not. Got what I wanted... so why do I ache even more than before? Stupid, pathetic, pitiful...
"Rowen?"
Moronic, sad, delusional, idio...
"Ro..."
Huh? Mattress shifted. Thought he was going to bed. What the hell is he doing?
"Rowen, will you please come out of there? I'd like to talk with you."
Talk with me? Talk? I can't talk to *you*. You gotta be kidding me!
Completely pathetic! You're losing it, Rowen! You were just upset that he wasn't going to try to talk to you, and now you're panicking because he *is* trying to talk to you. Can you get any more messed up than you already are? Have you even a clue as to what you actually want?
No... No, I don't know. I don't know anything, except that I want him. I want him, and I can't have him, and it hurts. So cold. Feel so cold. Please just go away and leave me alone, Sage. Please...?
"Rowen, are you all right?"
Am I...? No, not at all. What would you do if I told you I don't think I'll ever be all right again, Sage? Probably look at me like I'd just sprouted horns. But, it's true. How will I continue with this hole deep within me?
Great. Sounds like I've come straight from the pages of a romance novel. A *bad* romance novel. What have I been reduced to?
"Rowen, I know you're not sleeping, and ignoring me won't make me go away. I'm more stubborn than you are."
Care to take bets on that? I can't deal with this anymore. Please, just stop.
"Rowen, I'm going to keep badgering you until you come out of there and talk to me."
"Don't bother, Sage. 'M fine." All right? Good enough for you, Sage? Please, just let that be enough to satisfy him.
"Are you? You didn't look fine when you left."
Gee, you noticed? Will wonders never cease? Hell, that's not fair, and I know it. Why won't he just say good night? The gods are frowning on me. Must've been an ax murderer in a previous life to deserve this. Go *away*, Sage!
"Rowen!"
"Didn't feel so good. Must've been too much to drink. 'M fine now."
"If you're fine, then come out of there so we can talk."
No way, no how! There's nothing to say. I'm not...
"Rowen, please! I can't keep talking to a pile of blankets!"
That's kinda the point, Sage. If you can't talk to blankets, then maybe you'll just leave me alone. Whoop! Hey! Oh, wonderful, now he's trying to tug the covers offa me. He wants a tug-of-war? I'll give him one. No *way* I'm letting go of these blankets.
"Damn it, Rowen, you're acting like a child!"
"I am not!" Fine! I'm out. Happy? Heh, looks as if he's really trying not to say 'Are too!' God, he's so beautiful. It's going to be so hard to spend the rest of my life just looking at him. Never to touch... Oh god, should never have come out, no matter how childish he thinks I'm acting. Never to touch, never again! Gotta end this. "Look, Sage. I'm all right. I'm just tired, and I'd like to get some sleep. Okay?"
"No, Rowen, it's not okay. I need to talk to you."
What could he possibly have to say? His eyes are so wide, so... earnest, so... open. Less guarded than I think I've ever seen them, yet I still can't quite read what they contain. Dare I ask? I gotta be out of my mind. "So talk."
"My, aren't you just *brimming* with eagerness? You look like a man who's about to be led to the gallows."
"Spare me the sarcasm, Sage. If you've something meaningful to say to me, then say it!" So sharp. Didn't mean for that to come out sounding so flat, and so very angry, but sounding angry and defensive is better than sounding aching and raw. Can't keep looking at him. Can't keep it within if I do.
"Rowen, I'm sorry. That was not necessary."
What? An apology was not precisely what I expected. He's no longer staring at me so intently. It's almost as if he's... unsure of himself. You're being stupid again, Rowen. Think! You know him. You're as close to him as he ever allows anyone. Sarcasm is one of his defense mechanisms. If he's reverting to it, then he must feel more off balance than he appears. So, why? Could he have possibly been rattled by that kiss? No, there was no mistaking his lack of response. Can't allow what I so desperately desire to cloud my senses. Don't know why, but I can accept his apology, and offer my own. "It's all right, Sage, and I'm sorry as well. I didn't mean to snap." But regardless, let's get this over with already. "What is it you need to talk about that can't wait 'til morning?"
"Rowen, I need to know why you left Ryo's room like that."
Why? He can't be serious, can he? He is. Hell, he's looking at me again. Like he really *doesn't* have any idea. Does he realize how that wide-eyed look tears at me? How can he *not* know why I ran? "I told you, Sage. I didn't feel so well all of a sudden."
"I'm not buying the 'I feel sick' bit, Rowen."
Oh, this has got to be some sick joke! He's not buying it? I believe 'sick' is a perfectly adequate way of describing how I felt after that kiss. Stick with the story. If he doesn't already know why I left, there's no need to enlighten him. Hearing the truth would drive him impossibly far from me. "Whatever, Sage."
"Rowen... All right, then *why* did you suddenly feel so sick? It couldn't have been too much to drink. You didn't have all that much tonight."
Like you ever took your eyes off Mika long enough to notice? Ah, Rowen, you're not being fair again. Spite won't help anything, and he really does seem concerned. His voice got so quiet. Is he reading more from me than I want him to? Even if he is, I don't care anymore. Why don't you know, Sage? We wouldn't be having this conversation if you had a clue.
Can't do this anymore. Can feel the prickle of tears. This has got to end before I lose more than I already have. "Fine, Sage. I didn't feel good, and you can pick whatever explanation for my sudden illness that will make you happy since you won't believe me. Are we finished? I'm really tired. Can we just go to bed now?"
"Well... yes."
on to Part 7
back to the Gazebo
