HASH MAG ARCHIVE 1994: RUN NO.534


Run Date: 10 January 1994

Deadly Steps In The Dark
HASH FLASH: THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! DRAKE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS OFFER YOU A FREE TRIP TO THE EXOTIC FAR EAST FOR AN AWAY HASH! SEE BELOW FOR DETAILS!

You were quite FREE to take a TRIP to Deadly's run at Steps Bridge if you felt like it. It was in the Teign valley, near Dunsford and you can't get more EXOTIC than that, being at the FAR EAST of Drake's range, well AWAY from the usual area for a HASH! NB. It is possible that some readers may have taken the above hash flash to mean that Drake H3 was offering a free flight to Asia, and are now feeling rather let down. If you were one of those persons. .........TOUGH!, it serves you right for being such a DIMBO. You obviously have all the intelligence of a particularly stupid nematode worm, and deserve all the disappointments you get!


At Steps Bridge car park at the start of January, it's the little things that help to brighten up a dark winter's night - like Tinkerbell for instance. She was wearing running tights that made her legs look like two barbers' poles. Perhaps she has taken up mobile hairdressing, or did she think that it was going to be a polar expedition?

Deadly was showing off his new car which plays a little tune, just like an ice cream van. Sadly, we were not able to hear 'The Woody Woodpecker's song in all its glory, as the mechanism had stuck on two notes. This was apparently because the large key on top of the car needed winding.

It was good to see Cream Soda who had not been hashing recently, because of a reoccurrence of the disease which leaves him feeling drained, aching and sore. He had been struck down again by the dreaded orienteering bug: '0rienteering - the sport that's as much fun as a dose of flu'.

After casting an eye over the assembled hashers (then catching and returning it to its socket), it seemed that Drake H3 had been joined by two new young ladies. They appeared to have some sort of connection with Deadly, but what could it be? Guesses included; nurses, in case the old chap required urgent medical attention, e.g. when he goes uphill; new wives in the event of him being a mormon (moron?); long lost great granddaughters; young 'friends' with whom he has a perfectly proper and above board relationship - but don't tell his wife, she wouldn't understand. In fact, it turned out that one of the young ladies had the misfortune to work with Deadly as his secretary. He said that he'd been trying to get her to come for weeks, and now she had come at last. Unfortunately, she went much quicker, because within ten minutes of the start of the run she and her friend had got separated from the rest of the hash, and so they returned to their car and went home. They were not very happy with the Old Queen for neglecting them, and so it looks as if the only laptop he'll be getting from now on will be a computer!

Of the run itself only vague impressions remain; trees, mud and hills. The hare has informed me that the trail went around Bridford and St Thomas Cleave woods. At one stage it occurred to your scribe's fevered imagination that we could be running up and down the back of a giant hedgehog, and what we thought were trees were really spines. This would make the hash the equivalent of fleas (very appropriate), so what would happen if it decided to have a scratch? Would the headlines read 'HASH HOUSE
HARRIERS IN HUGE HEDGEHOG HORROR'? Graphic proof of how hills and lack of oxygen can affect the brain.

Mudflaps insisted that Limpalong overtake on her right, which just happened be on the side of a precipice - she said that she'd get her own back for the free 'mudpack' he had given her on the previous week's run. HT2 was going to try to overtake too, but was unsure of her footing. A lack of grip could have caused her shoes to do a wheelspin, so sending her over the cliff. She also knew how much Mudflaps enjoys a good wheelspin and didn't want to get her overexcited.

FFerret was seen intensely staring at the ground whilst running along. He said that he was hoping to find sawdust, which was odd, because he'd been on it for the best part of a mile. This can only mean that his shortcutting has now got so bad that he's finally forgotten what sawdust looks like.

Endosperm managed to get lost and found at the same time - he lost his sense of direction and found he didn't know where he was. And so there in the wilderness he fell to his knees (it was very slippery), and prayed for guidance. And lo, there appeared a sign from above (which read 'Steps Bridge 1 mile'), and following the path of righteousness he finally saw the divine light... of his car. And great was the rejoicing at his return - HT2 wanted to get to the pub!

The general opinion of the hash was that it was a very good trail which worked well. Despite this it unfortunately failed to live up to the standard set by Deadly's other runs in the same area i.e. no-one was permanently lost or had to be taken to hospital.

The on down was at the White Hart Hotel at Moretonhampstead. The local press recently reported that Moretonhampstead was employing a private security fim to guard against crime in the town. I cannot say that it is very effective, because as was walking to the pub a man jumped out of the shadows and viciously twisted my arm. It's amazing how people can do things like this and still remain Anonymouse. I had to give him what he asked for - so that is why you have to suffer my scribing this week.

It came as rather a suprise to see some of the rougher members of the hash in the rather grand 'Eating Room', and they weren't even standing on the tables, throwing food or fighting either! Undoubtedly, this was because Wild Bill, with the air of a keeper at a chimp's teaparty, was on hand to keep them in order. Things were going well until a waitress appeared with some food and asked for Aaron. At this FFerret's thin veneer of civilisation cracked; "Go into the next bar and shout GOBSHITE" he told her. And so it was not long before Drake found themselves back in the public bar. Ferret also informed ua that Zippy could not make it to the hash, as he was poorly - but poorly what? Poorly dressed?, poorly equipped?, poorly paid? WE DEMAND TO KNOW!

Tinkerbell was making sure that everyone knew that Sub has become a Navel Officer. So if his navel is now an officer, what rank is the rest of him? Will he be known as Sub-Lieutenant Bellybutton from now on?

Snakehips reported that he had seen a deer in the woods. Apparently, it was a large animal with red eyes, which doesn't sound very much like a deer to me. You would think that he knew what Deadly looked like by now!

Rover was very pleased that there were no dogs on the hash - it gave him the chance to fetch sticks, beg for chips and roll over for his tummy to be tickled. So that's how he got his hash name.

Through the hubbub of conversation it sounded as if someone was asking how come Whimpers posted two greenfinches. Were they sent air mail?, or was this a new version of the pigeon post? It turned out that Whimpers has been posted to Greenwich and so he will shortly be leaving for some time.

According to Begorrah the reason Yakkidah says everything twice is because she's a Dublin girl (doubling girl). This was taking poetic licence a bit far as she is a Belfast girl. It was then suggested that it meant that Yakki was beautiful (Belle) and fast, but Begorrah laughed at this suggestion and said that 'Bel' meant 'bloody' in Gaelic.

Bart was all set to go to Bodmin as he had heard there was a wild female there that leaves you with scratches down your back. He suddenly lost interest when he found out that it was a big cat.

In the light of recent political scandals Cream Soda has held an investigation into the private lives of the Drake H3 committee, and as a result of his findings the entire committee are to tender their resignations. Their behaviour has been totally unacceptable - there has not been a single scandal since they took office. Why haven't Whimpers and Deadly been caught sharing a sleeping bag at an orienteering event 'to save money'? Why are Anonymouse's children all legitimate? Why hasn't Dishy used hash funds to buy a council house in the highly desirable 'Swilly' district of Plymouth? How can we trust people like these to run our hash.? Drake members expect a certain standard of (mis)behaviour from the committee and the present incumbents have badly let us down!

NOW IS THE TIME TO APPOINT A NEW COMMITTEE AND INSTIGATE A BACK TO BASIC CORRUPTION POLICY. IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT DRAKE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS GETS THE COMMITTEE IT DESERVES ALL HASHERS MUST ATTEND THE ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING AT THE PLUME OF FEATHERS PUBLIC HOUSE ON MONDAY 31 JANUARY 1994.

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