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 HASH MAG ARCHIVE 1991: RUN NO.417 Run Date: 4 November 1991 Bartman And Catwoman In Bantham City A lesser scribe might start their hash mag thus: "Only a bird-brained hasher would chicken out of a run in Bantam. However, Drake hashers don't need to be egged on, they know it's the ideal place to lay a trail. The weather might be fowl but could stay cooped up when offered a free range over the South Hams countryside". Now a lesser scribe might consider this type of opening to be a feather in their cap, but this scribe considers it ineggscusable, especially as Bantham has an 'h' in it (Self indulgent - moi?!). Modern day Bantham is just like something out of Poldark or Treasure Island. The only difference is that now that the local smugglers and wreckers are called entrepreneurs and are given government grants to help them with their businesses. Consequently, as we neared the start, it was not too surprising when our car headlights picked out a strange hunched figure slowly swinging a lantern to and fro whilst muttering incoherently. Could it be 'Old Black Pew' trying to pass on the 'Black Spot'? No, it was old Black Bart offering to show us a parking spot. It was a strange band of hearty hardy hashers who had assembled outside of the Sloop Inn. Wimpers, resplendant in a multi-coloured pair of running tights, resembeld the Pied Piper of Hamlyn. As the run involved high cliffs and deep water, wise hashers made a mental note not to follow him. Cat-Man-Do appeared wearing a fetching brown balaclava. It certainly suited her, but shouldn't the face hole be at the front? A squeal of brakes and the smell of burning rubber announced the arrival of Endosperm and HT2, fresh from their successful completion of the Bittaford to Bantham stage of the RAC Rally. "On On" was called and we set off down a road which led out on to some low sand dunes. The hash proceeded to split up and dash about aimlessly, scattering rabbits in all directions. It is rumoured that the rabbits may soon be evicted to make way for a luxury 'retirement warren' for a mystery TV personality. Speculation is that it's for Gus Honeybun of TSW fame, who has been pensioned off now that Westcounty TV has taken over the local television contract. Of course, it goes without saying that Westcountry Television is known as WC TV because its output is a load of crap. By now it was becoming clear that this run was subtly different to other hashes, possessing a character all of its own. We were at a loss to know why, but after much scratching of heads and deliberating it was finally suggested that it might be because there was no sawdust. Apparently, the hares, Bartman and Catwoman, had spent five hours the previous day laying the trail in the teeth of gale force winds, but the sawdust was nowhwere to be seen. Deadly was sceptical that any had been laid at all and came up with his own highly original explanation of how the hares had spent their time. Other expalanations involve hungry lemmings, rapid coastal erosion snd self destructing sawdust. However, it seems likely that the 'sleet' storm we encountered was really a sawdust storm. Whilst the rest of the hash disappeared in the opposite direction, Bart directed a small group up the coastal path. When we stopped to admire the view on a headland we surprised a fieldmouse out for an evening stroll. It was identified by a process of elimination; it wasn't a house mouse - there was no house nearby, it wasn't a dormouse - there wasn't a dormobile nearby, it was in a field so it must be a fieldmouse. Buy the Drake H3 Guide to British Wildlife in your shops now! Far below could be heard the Surf and the incoming Tide - the sea is full of detergents these days. After a brisk trot across the cliff tops, Wimpers could be heard calling 'On' some way behind. Several hashers wanted to wait, but once Deadly knew who was calling he insisted on running on as fast as possible. What are fiends for?! Further along the coast Limpalong became Slipalong and ended up falling headlong and landing on a bush. If it had been Kate Bush instead of a thorn bush he wouldn't have minded, although she might have. Eventually Thurlestone golf links were reached where the hash joined up together again. After passing the Thurlestone Hotel Cat-Man-Do directed several hashers over a narrow wooden bridge, across a field and out on to a road. Julian took the opportunity to explain what he believed to be the latest development in hashing, involving strategically placed hares shouting loudly and minimal sawdust. This is not new, however, as it has been extensively used by your scribe for several years on his runs. It is always possible to calculate the amount of time spent on a road as it is in direct proportion to the amount of Deadly's whingeing. Consequently, the road section must have taken quite a while. Eventually a check was discovered with a trail leading off along a narrow pathway. Your scribe duly investigated and found an 'X' at the end, which he took to mean check back. Wrong! Apparently, what it really meant was 'you'll be wrong to stop going in this direction'. The hares had designed the check to test the psychic faculties of hashers. This was a silly thing to do, as it is well known that hashers have no faculties whatsoever. As a result of the above administrative mix up a select band of hashers was treated to an extensive tour of the roads around Thurlestone. After running up, down and around, the evening was enlivened by passing a pack of rabid Rottweilers, which Heinz, ever the optimist, suggested might be sausage dogs. He may have been right, as they sounded the sort of dogs that might turn you into sausages! Endosperm then took charge and directed unerringly towards somewhere, although he wasn't quite sure where. At last we stumbled over Thurlestone village (it didn't hurt that much). Here a tired and emotional Deadly wanted to stop and telephone for a lift back to the Sloop. The rest of the group wanted to continue running, but at this Deadly got even more upset and finally started to cry! Yes, it's true - he cries orien-tears! From Thurlestone it was less than a mile back to Bantham, where sawdust was discovered, and the hash was reunited. Apart from Drake H3, there were few other people in the Sloop (it must have been a good night for wrecking). F Ferret who had arrived back early and had ensconced himself in the corner, was tucking into a large meal. He was rather put out as he had ordered an ele-fish but had only received a jumbo cod. Apparently, he had known all along where the trail was going to go. Unfortunately, the hares had not and so had laid the run on land. Bwana had done a route of his own, which involved running down to the beach then spending the rest of the hash climbing up a cliff, thus inventing the sport of hash climbing. It's rumoured that the next trail he lays will be at the Dewerstone Rocks. Benji's Mum made it known that as long as she has had a good run out she doesn't mind if there's no sawdust or if she gets lost. This attitude shows the true spirit of hashing, but it could also explain why she joined Drake H3! Bart pointed out that HT2 was the only person to do the whole run. Perhaps him having hold of her collar all eveing might have had something to do with it. Ht2 could be seen examining deatils of 'The Three Peaks' race which she says she would like to take part in. It seems that the event involves sailing, fell running and finding out who killed Laura Palmer. Yakkidah explained that after arriving late for the start Bejabbers had seen our lights and told her to catch up with us, whilst pushing her out of the car, not even giving her time to change. She also mentioned that he might have stopped the car before pushing her out. Cream Soda said that during the run he was 'on' for much of the time...............on his own that is! He also complimented the hares on doing such agood job of looking after him. It's amazing how drunk you can get on a half pint of Guinness. Slo-Jo must have been 'Down Lambeth Way' recently as she appeared wearing Pearly Queen's hat. Presumably this is the first assignment in her 'Cockney For Beginners' course. Cat-Man-Do, Slo-Jo, Deadly and Wimpers were seen to be indeep conversation with a non-hasher (don't the hash rules say something about this?). Whoever he was, he ceratinly seemed to be popular as Cat-Man-Do and Slo-Jo were calling him "Darling". It became obvious that he was extremely popular when Deadly and Wimpers called him "Darling" as well! Limpalong purchased a bottle of Eku 28, supposedly the world's strongest beer. This must be the Eku we hear so much about - the new European currency, circulated by the Central European Bottle Bank. The bottle was doggedly guarded by Rover all evening but somehow he forgot to inform the owner that it was in his possession. How absent minded of him. In a blatant attempt to hush up the scribe Cat-Man-Do offered to buy me a drink. In order to preserve the integrity of the press (!), I politely declined. I don't like Domestos much, anyway. Deadly brought the level of conversation down to the level of the gutter (what can you expect from someone who eats mule), by making various lewd comments abour a fourteen inch power tool which Slo-Jo has recently acquired. He also revealed his masochistic tendancies by explaining how much he enjoys being beaten. Maybe that's why he goes to so many orienteering events. The Sloop Inn contained a large picture of the Virgin Atlantic Challenger signed by Richard Branson and his crew. This is obviously kept to impress customers, but now the Landlord can go one better: Impressed Customer: "I see you had Richard Branson here in 1986" Landlord: "That's nothing, I had Drake in here last week!" Finally, thank you to Cat-Man-Do and Bart for their efforts in laying the trail, which were unfortunately frustrated by extreme weather conditions. We still enjoyed the run. I mean this most sincerely, I really, really, do!
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