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 HASH MAG ARCHIVE 1990: RUN NO.360 Run Date: 8 October 1990 A Round Of Gulf As I had a new ribbon in my word processor I volunteered to scribe - no I cannot tell a lie (not yet anyway) - no-one else would do it. I had two offers of lifts to the hash this week, last week I only got one and that was withdrawn when Dumbo and Rudolf-San decided to run with Tamar Valley H3 - and haven't been seen since! It was a difficult decision to make at my time of life: I could ride in the luxurious comfort of a modern Volvo listening to the sophisticated conversation of El Pee and arrive twenty minutes after the Hash had started, thus spending the next forty minutes vainly looking for them, or I could spend an uncomfortable half an hour in an ancient Land-Rover with the wind whistling from the rear, being seduced by Minder and listening to the disconnected ramblings of Mimi. I pondered for a full fifteen seconds - and not being sound of mind and body chose the latter! At Holbeton Point we gathered in eager anticipation (well anticipation anyway). Deadly was back but Hugh still had the flugh, as also did Schweppes. Yokelbonker had arrived early and finding nobody there had driven back along the track until finding his way barred by Cream Soda's pantechnicon. Last week's hare and scribe were both missing - were they afraid to face the music? Slo-Jo arrived from the opposite direction to everyone else (a privilege of the ruling class), and at 7.32 we set off. No doubt you will all have differing memories of the run, which hopefully you will keep to yourselves. Mine consisted mainly of trying to keep up with Cream Soda, listening to the latest orienteering score between Deadly and Wimpers - at one point it was 3-3, and following the latest exploits of Yesman and Dig-in, the deadly duo from the Trustee Savings Bank. Dig-in has been training with the Territorial Army EH and is our last line of defence should there be war in the Gulf. If the worst was to happen he would be dispatched with pen and ruler to the front where he would open a branch of the T.S.B. (The Sand Bank?) causing so much confusion within the Iraqi Army that they would reteat in disorder.Yesman has been participating in Executive training in Wiltshire learning how to sack branch managers. It's a simple process: first take one branch manager, then fire him, then re-hire him at half the salary - this is called re-cycling. To date Yesman has re-cycled fifty six out of fifty eight (the other two are relatives - they're not going to be re-cycled - just fired). As the management of the Mildmay Colours were non persona gratis with Hubcaps, the On Down was at the Dartmoor Union where HT2 (attempting to live up to her namesake) did her best to make the Hash n.p.g. with the management by pouring beer down Yesman's back, whereupon he turned round and poured his over Deadly's head, most of which ended up on a chair (the beer, not Deadly's head). The Landlady was not amused and it took several big brown pots and grotti noshes to calm her down. Wimpers, Snakehips,Yokelbonker and Slo-Jo were in a corner talking about military matters. Wimpers has received instructions to report to the Gulf (see copy attached). El Pee was in another corner with his big brown pot - waiting for his food order. Popeye and Olive-Oil made their usual departure and when asked why they were leaving, Popeye said he had to get some. I didn't find out what. Mates might know. Attempts have been made to link me with Foggy Dewhurst from BBC's Last Of The Summer Wine. Well two can play at that game! Who do we know who drives a Land-Rover, has his head permanently under the bonnet of a car and is always in overalls? For all we know his wife also makes him walk on newspapers over her kitchen floor! Any look-a-likes for the rest of the cast, I wonder? Wesley (sorry-Mimi) wants the following notice printed - I can't think why: MONDAY NOV. 5th HASH BONFIRE BASH Rumours that recent tests have proved that a fully sequined effigy of Deadly will not burn are completely unfounded. Sequins kindly provided by Mansbidge & Balment, stuffing by Fox & Sons, overcoat by Black Horse. MINISTRY OF DEFENCE Whitehall, London SWIA 4AA Tel. 071 999 1212 NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT Dear Sir, Under the Emergency Powers Act 1939 (as amended by the Defence Act 1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Gulf Conflict. You may shortly be given orders to depart for Saudi Arabia where you will join either the Third Battalion Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the Third Foot & Mouth. Due to cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible: Combat jacket Trousers (preferably khaki) Tin helmet Boots (or sturdy trainers) Gas mask A map of the combat zone (the Ordnance Survey 1:25000 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do) A rifle Ammunition Sun tan lotion (high factor) A one-way air ticket to Riyadh If you can afford it, we would also like you to buy a tank - Vickers Defence at Barnbow are currently offering our conscripts a 0% finance deal on all new H-Reg Chieftains, while stocks last. We would like to reassure you that if anything should go wrong you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your widow will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of £1.75 per calendar month (subject to means testing). There may be little time for formal military training before you depart, so you are advised to hire videos of the following war films and try to pick up a few ideas as you watch: The Guns of Navarone, Kelly's Heroes, A Bridge Too Far, The Longest Day, Henry V, Blazing Saddles, The Sound of Music etc. Alternatively, if you cannot get hold of these, any old John Wayne rubbish will do. To mentally prepare yourself for your mission, try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved. Yours faithfully, T. King Ministry of Defence A Bush-Thatcher Joint Production Sponsored by Mars - the official snack of World War III
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