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The long
awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been
released!
These awards are given
each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements
from the human gene pool.
Ladies And
Gentlemen...(drum roll... and envelope please)...
We proudly present the
1999
"Natural Selection" awards:
... The 5th
runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo,
California man who died when he hit a lift tower the Mammoth Mountain ski area
while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal
was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department.
The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers.
The group apparently used
the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32,
was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk
threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his
mouth and walked out without paying.
Police found him
unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Goes to poacher Marino
Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and
was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
"Man loses face at
party."
A man at a West Virginia
party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and
down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in
an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne.
"It wouldn't go off
and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."
"He put it into is
mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue
off", Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine
anyone doing something like that" Payne said.
Doctors at Portland
University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting
arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's
Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a
beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would
have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8
to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself.
Roberts admitted
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that affternoon. Said Roberts,
"I feel so dumb about this".
No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation
stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky
and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local >> Metallica concert at the George Washington
amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but
having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
"hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pick-up
truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr.Pernicky, who was
100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist >>
his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the
late) Mr.Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall
was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree
with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him (Possibly)
figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and
proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, (did I
mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched
his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse (?!),
on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3".
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on
seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope
and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the
rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence
landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the
crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the
scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they
found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in
the air.
Congratulations gentlemen,
you win...
PLEASE NOTE: All of the
winners are MEN.
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