A big lump of rock forms around a big load of fire

Water, life and other stuff appears on said lump of rock

A very loud bang

Large black lumps of stuff teach a caveman to be intelligent and help humanity evolve into a race of intelligent beings who help one another and work together for survival

Said caveman is killed and his head stuck on a pole by people who will later evolve into the Armies, Police forces and Football hooligans of the world

Someone draws a line round a piece of land and says "This is mine, nobody else can use it" for a laugh, people take him seriously and property and materialism is born-And everything's gone downhill since then.

Romans invade Britain, the fenland people fight against them and try to drive them back into the sea because they are bringing with them practices of not standing around all day in blue paint and your own shit, ancient fen traditions which have stood to this day (though with less paint and more shit now)

Romans invade again, manage this time and build a huge arch as the "gateway to britian".. it falls down

The people of the fens revolt against the Romans again, probably the only time they ever do anything political, they are led by some queen with a wierd name who rode around in a chariot, a predecessor to today's "girl racers"..if youre some boring BBC kids presenter, still i wouldn't mind those "alloys" for my capri

The Romans leave Britain, but send Christianity over as a "goodbye gift", the dark ages of oppression, evil and superstition start

Saxons and Vikings attack England, some settle and start off a multicultural Britain, which the BNP deny ever existed (but then they also deny the holocaust happened) except, of course, in the fens, where they are a bit iffy about anyone marrying outside thier own family, let alone into one from a different country

A small village is founded on a hill in the fens, it is Named "Fenlye", after the Roman "Fenlius" which was a small fort on the site built to keep anyone local from following bodecia's example

Fenlye has a small church built, the locals ignore it

Fenlye residents sacrifice 300 people as a millennium celebration, the population of Fenlye therefore decreases to two

Mike smythe born, Aaron Anderson also born

Mike, Aaron and their friend Tina move to Fenlye to find it has been renamed Felney, and that somehow, despite it being cut off by heavy flooding for 22 years the population has exploded to about 800, curiously all the people look very similar...

A big cathedral is being built nearby in Ely.. Very slowly. Christianity starts to take over and pagans are immediately killed in the hundreds for being morally incorrect, and the usual witch burning and hatred starts. Luckily the three newcomers are atheist and the Christians of the day haven't started to hate them...yet

A big monster attacks Felney before being killed by a lesbian with magic powers, the last exciting thing to happen in the fens, and how the then version of Tina became known as "The devils dyke", this legend was later twisted into some wierd and meangingless story through countless generations of people who didnt know how to write

"Fenlye is a fmall village fillef witf the moft viyle of all of the chriftian menace whicf haf so far taken the livef of 3 of our researcherf, we will leavf the area af faft af we camef"-The domesday book mentions the backwards evil of Felney, using its old name. Felney and the whole fenland area stopped keeping up with the modern world in 1033 and has never looked back.. or forward as the case may be

Morris dancers bring the earliest form of chemical warfare to Felney, they are stoned to death as suspected Satanists but they take their toll, mainly on the 3 people we where concentrating on who all died

Norman conquest, People in Felney stick up signs saying "No to the Normans" and "Londinium not Normandy", a writer for the contempory newsrag, "Ye sunne" named "Ricard of Lyttlejohnne" condemns the invasion and says it wasnt like that when he was a kid, and that staying in the post-roman mire and refusing all progress is "good common sense", he has his balls cut off, his stomach cut out, and both boiled up and fed to him as a type of strange haggis..if only they would do that today

Ely cathedral is finished

The main tower on Ely cathedral collapses on a choir, the local Christians kill 70 people who they think may have angered god and caused the collapse

The decomposing-peat-brick and thatched buildings that make up the entire village are destroyed in "The great fire of Felney", it burns for 7 seconds, 63 local gay people are blamed for the fire and killed

Rebuilding work on Felney finishes, this time they used stone, another 20 gay people are killed because, as a contempary report states "we felte lyke it"

First attempts at draining the fens are made, all the workers drown while the lord who ordered it stands on a boat shouting "The water is supposed to be going THAT way! Idiots!"

Scottish uprising in scotland lead by William wallace, several people from Felney go and join the english army and attempt to defeat the enemy using thier stink alone, however thier awful cooking gave the english army "ye shyttes", which was apparently the reason why the better-trained and more numerous english army was defeated at the battle of bannockburn, not that any history books will tell you that...

The heir to the english throne first holds the title of "teh duk3 0f c0rnw4ll", The people of the federated people's republic of cornwall stage a revolt and hack through the poles holding up english flags using saws, the destruction was witnessed by a semi-literate welsh immigrant who had just arrived, his name for the revolutionaries, "Haxxors" somehow stuck

Not much happens

Henry VIII dissolves the last monasteries in the Felney area...with concentrated acid, just to see if there's any cool looking effects. As a result anti-monarchy feelings are felt in the area for the first and only time

Spanish armada defeated by the navy, the beginning of that awful "Britannia ruled the waves" thing that people in modern times wish "we" could go back to when they weren't even alive to see it

Guy fawkes is arrested in the basement of parliament with enough gunpowder to make a dent in the world, its belived his first words on capture where "Er, im looking after it for a friend?", he is then tortured for days hung, cut up, his heart is burned and his head is stuck on a stake, and that’s why knobs charge round blowing up innocent children, minorities and gay people with fireworks every year since, to show their devotion to the government and the monarchy, still, the king of the time, James 1st, got a bit full of himself and the victory really went to his head, before he lost it

The fens are drained this time. The fen people look out across their beautiful landscape. Outsiders say it looks even more boring than it used to, then the stool gets kicked out from under them. The drainage was carried out by a Dutch engineer, who then suggested the fens would make a great multicultural arriving place for the Dutch and British to coexist as fellow human beings. He is ground up into little bits in some of his own machinery

The fenland earth shrinks and all the water floods back. Some 700 windmills are built to try and pump the water back into the rivers. They sink into the ground except for a few which are turned into houses and bird-watching posts

Pilgrim fathers set up a draconian police state in the "new world" of America, one of them comes from Ely, and he was probably the one who suggested all the laws. They also find a lovley new place to set up slave plantations…

The English civil war starts, Parliament vs Monarchy, unfortunatley they didn’t wipe each other out

Charles 1 loses the civil war and gets axed-literally!, Oliver cromwell takes over the parliamentary armies-anarchists of the day go "bugger, we still have a government after all", except probably spelt badly, with a load of extra e's

oliver cromwell rules the country after defeating charles the 2^nd in battle. His rule is even worse than the king's was, he also goes to ireland and scotland and kills loads of people. The trouble he caused in nortern ireland continues even now-some "hero". Meanwhile, everybody goes "Bugger, this blokes just as bad as the monarchy after all". Cromwell retires to the lovley location of Ely, which is near to Felney, but the people don’t care about his anti monarchy stuff because he killed lots of forigners too

Jamaica "bravely liberated" by Britain, the colonialists get to try out their new rifles on people armed with spears and rocks. The people who don't get shot are made into slaves instead

Cromwell cops it, he is described by the Felney crier (distant ancestor of the herald) as "a great hero of the British empire", which had incidentally started to get underway by this time. Anarchists start rubbing their hands and going "Hm, now we can have no government if we play this right", they play it wrong and the monarchy is re-instated, except the only thing it has the power to do is take taxpayer's money

Britannia makes sure she rules the waves by banning every other country from sailing round in ships, unless they're delivering stuff to England

British "Privateers" (Pirates) steal stuff from other countries and kill people at random, this is secretly encouraged by the government-a bit like football hooliganism years later

"New Amsterdam" seized from the Dutch and renamed "New York", The people of Felney rejoice, conveniently forgetting that the Dutch helped them to have high quality farming land, which is incidentally all worked by slaves at the time

The great fire of London, the people of Felney send consolations, and slaves, to the Londoners

Slaves become the biggest industry in Britain. One entrapenur from Felney gets in on the act by trying to revive dead slaves using weird magical spells. He succeeds and zombies rampage round the village. Eventually they are all sealed away in a mass grave and the magic used to create them is destroyed (by the wizard, and 30 other people who looked "different", being shot by a Christian firing squad)

War with France. This instils a racist hatred of France in the British people that still remains. And it was all started by a "Frog" joke being told in the local pub in Felney

Convicted criminals transported to America. The Crier runs huge outraged articles about "Them" being "Given" "Free holidays"

PM of Britain, Sir Robert walpole, establishes a policy of laissez-faire, He is crushed by middle england for using french words, which they belive to be a sign of being "wrong"

Quebec taken over by Britain. The British start a draconian fascist police state there which continues to this day, its just that the province is now predominantly french, but if it hadn't been inspired by the British empire it'd probably be one of these "democracy" things, to this day people there want the province to split off from the rest of canada, but others dont, its kind of like the guided bus or wheelie bin debates in cambridgeshire, only nastier

America leaves the British empire. All the people go up north and found New Brunswick in Canada, then decide to actually call the huge landmass Canada. A city called Moncton is built and twinned with Felney, an association which people keep unfortunately forgetting in modern times. In fact the signs for Moncton don't even say "Twinned with Felney" any more

British imperialists realise India would be a good place to have as the centre of the empire. So they come down on the unsuspecting east India company like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. A company spokesman was reported to say "What the hell? We're just a tea company..." But its too late, and the British pass an "Act" named after India

And one for Canada...

Beginnings of the Industrial revolution, despite protestations by christians machinery, factories, and science now rule society and genuine technological progress is made as the western world moves towards an era of democracy and freedom..the religious have been fighting against it ever since

Luddites try to halt progress by destroying machinery. Their leader, "King ludd" is believed to be hiding in forests somewhere. He is in fact hiding in Felney.

The steam engine introduced. The fens can be finally drained properly, and even more slaves sent to work on the land

The first ever railway is introduced, and so is the first ever delay as people wait 4 hours for a late train due to "the wrong type of cow" on the line

Slavery abolished, lots of people in Felney go out of business. Huge amounts of black people killed brutally because the people of the fens cant bear to have "them" living there. And they still cant which is why people in the fens think racism is natural

Darwin's Origin of the species published. It is first condemned by Christians as atheistic and immoral. The world begins to change as a new breed of people who realise that the concept of "god" is not nessicary emerge

The dogma of papal infallibility was proclaimed by the vatican, this means whatever the pope sez goez, which is why the world is flat and all black people must be slaves ect

Mike smythe (the second XD) born in Felney 

First practical motor car produced. The first car is bought to Felney by a mister B. Boy, who sticks some Bakelite spoilers and a gramophone on it and crashes it into a ditch

Film invented, there are protests by the Felney Union of Christian Killjoys (FUCK) who say that films could lead to pornography and the corruption of children. The same people later protested against Comics, Video, Computer games, The internet, DVD, Online comics, Online TV, Holodecks and everything else new and involving entertainment

Mike smythe, now known as an eccentric inventor who created arguably the first ever mobile telephone, vanishes in an experimental "Time machine", the police are still looking for "A man in a suit and top hat with long brown hair in a ponytail"

Queen Victoria dies, great mourning at the loss of the leader of the great empire. Also the Felney herald starts

The British empire is at its largest ever size, nothing could possibly go wrong, could it? -Also, world war 1 starts..

World war 1 ends, huge pressure and sanctions are put on Germany to "teach them a lesson", because if you put sanctions and restrictions on a country they cant possibly fight back, right?

British general strike threatens to establish socialism in great Britain. The people of Felney panic and start killing strikers at random. Hundreds of scabs leave Felney to break picket lines and keep capitalism going. It succeeds and the PM says "I give thanks to the wonderful Christian folk of Felney for defeating the menace of freedom and peace"

Wall street cash in the US, In Felney "Bobs sludge", the largest provider of filth in the western world, starts to distribute muck to people, because you can always rely on sludge. The owner of bobs sludge, bob gates, moves to America after becoming richest man in the world, it is not known what his modern-day descendants are doing now

The British union of fascists begins, headed by Oswald mosley. Just about everybody who lives in Felney joins up, though on their march down cable street in london they get the absolute shite kicked out of them, because that’s the only way to deal with the fash

World war 2 starts, and its proven sanctions and restrictions placed on countries only breed insane madmen who want to kill

Felney hit by a German bomb, it causes 50p worth of damage, still the people who live there are glad that it landed on a gay persons house..well he might not have been, nobody knows who he was, which means there was probably something "wrong" with him

The end of world war 2, but also the death of Hitler. The people of Felney don't know weather to be happy or sad

The first computers are invented. FUCK once again protests that machines which can think faster than humans can only possibly come from god, and that humans building such machines is a sin, they quote obscure bible passages and insist "read between the lines"

1984 is released "The moral to be drawn from this story is a simple one...dont let it happen!"

The structure of DNA is found out. At Huntingdon life sciences (Established the same year) nazis immediately start the Human genome project so that they can create biological weapons targeted at blacks and homosexuals, they receive £100 million in "good luck" funding from an anonymous contributor identifying himself only as "The pope", they get away with it because they say they are doing "essential medical research", but surely medical research would be carried out by atheists, as they actually care about people?

The "gay language" Polari begins to appear, it manages to annoy people for several years

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is invented, this is because some people where starting to become fun-loving and free thinking and werent just staring straight ahead and blindly accepting everything the government told them, so what better way to stop their insubordination against the government than to say they have a disease and then start giving them drugs and electric shocks until they fall back into line

A government minister who travels to work on the london underground hears so much Polari on the train that he gets completley pissed off and homosexuality is legalised the next day to try and stop polari from spreading any further. This leads to mass protests by fascists and 200 suspected gays are killed in Felney. Also the Ford capri is introduced

Protests in Felney because it is now the 70's, and they're sure something "bad" will happen in the 70's, such as a new type of "rebellious rock music", or possibly "the coolest car ever" being produced, these where some of thier predictions

The sex pistols release "Anarchy in the U.K", not much about anarchy but still a great record. Mike smith and Aaron Anderson are also born this year

The Ford Capri MK3 is introduced

Margret thatcher becomes PM, at first this pisses off the people of Felney because she's female, but then they hear about her polices and are glad she is "putting the country back on its feet", or as most people who are not complete idiots interpret it: "knocking the country to its knees and putting a gun at its head"

Rather worse than orwell predicted

Oi polloi starts, hooray, Ford stops making capris, boo!

Mike sees a UFO

Therapists keep trying to control mikes mind and tell him he actually did not see a UFO, he starts to distrust the government and eventually becomes an anarchist, he also has long hair and looks like a cutie ^.^

Mike is forced into a science course at the newly opened CRC (Cambridge regional college) by his parents. He is trapped for 2 years

The internet is invented, nobody notices, except FUCK, who burn 13 suspected computer users at the steak for suspected atheism (allegedly)(supposedly)(going on witness statements)(and all the witnesses later died of natural causes)

Aaron's parents discover he is gay

Aaron gets sent to a Social Services (SS) "Corrective institute for the sexually incorrect", Its a highly illegal and fascist institution but since when have the government played by their own rules?

The corrective institute "Accidentally" burns down. From the crisped corpses it's hard to tell weather or not all the inmates died in the fire. Also the 17 million pounds in hard cash the boss had all appears to have gone missing

Some nameless people buy a flat in London and reactivate long-dead bank accounts and things. The government realises they are escaped prisoners of the Corrective institute but obviously cant say anything, so Aaron and Tina get away with it. They buy their trusty white Lord Leone 2.0

Mike buys his house, he is working as a shop assistant to "Bridge a gap" before he goes to university, at least that's what he tells the parents

Mike becomes a van driver, and breaks off all contact with his parents forever. They start to wish they'd actually asked for his house address. He also changes his phone number

Tina meets her girlfriend, Ann

The BBC does a documentary about "Rural idyllic communities", this week is Felney. It is the funniest pack of lies ever broadcast on Telly since the days of Thatcher

Their landlord converts to Christianity and Aaron and Tina are evicted

Aaron and Tina meet mike. After briefly explaining their stories he lets them live with him, because he's sweet. And he needs some people to also earn money so they can all pay the bills together and tell the council where to shove their Red notices

Tina makes a brief appearance on the E4 reality series "Drinking and driving", which follows the lives of a murderous band of Barry boys

Public pressure forces the owner of the local corner shop in Felney to sell the National front Nazi paper. But most of its articles are identical to ones in the sun anyway

The build up to the general election begins. I wonder who will win, it's so tense isn't it? *groan*

A mobile phone booster mast is built just opposite mikes house, and is in no way related to the fact he is a non-voting anarchist

The post office is bombed, again

The general election!

-Tony Blair wins the PM seat second time in a row

-Malcolm foss wins the Felney constituency 12^th time in a row

-Mike finds out on June 8^th cause he stays in bed all day

Mike spray paints an anarchy sign on the local school

The teachers cover it with a smiley face

A train announcer at Ely station is attacked by "A girl in black with red hair"

This should be mikes 26^th birthday, but for some unknown reason him, Tina, Aaron and all the other Felney characters have stopped ageing

An ancient evil known as "The conservative party" awakens the even ancienter and evilier Zombies who run riot in the village. Luckily for the villagers they have a rescue base to go to. Unluckily for Steve, Mike, Aaron and Tina they where never told about but, but manage to fight off all the zombies with the help of some fictional characters bought to life by mikes weird time machine thingy he built instead of making a pipe bomb. Which is probably also the reason why they aren't ageing at all

Ann meets mike and starts to fancy him ^.^ but she's still an official lesbian at this point XD

The council erect "Nature trail" signs a mile apart and facing at each other

The army begin thier annual "Lets make our planes be really loud" contest over the village

Movie plus 12 shows a classical european lesbian movie that Tina wants to watch. Mike also does but for different reasons (well, kind of XD)

Food manufacturers must now put truthful labels on thier products. This leads to quite a lot of bad jokes

Mike, Aaron, Tina and Ann go on holiday, and in an amazing conincidence traffic jams on the way to cornwall are at thier worst since recorded history began

A transsexual living in felney walks down a street. Which makes front page news in the Herald. A lynch mob comes out to try and kill her and some zombies appear to also kill her. Aliens land with the intention of helping out humanity and eliminating hunger and disease and poverty, take one look at the scene and decide humanity is killing itself so wont need it. They instead offer it to a small patch of mould on mars which is still alive underground, this mould becomes super-intelligent and starts building a 'spore empire' over the entire surface of mars XD

Aaron meets his boyfriend Vincent, who doesnt like to be called Vinny but everyone calls him that anyway XD

England defeats Germany 5-1 in football. Mikes neighbours Claw at the walls when Germany scores. Meanwhile a woman is arrested for brutally beating her child cause he "went on chatrooms". But she is later let off because there is no such thing as justice in this country

Life becomes difficult for Left-wingers, Radicals, Muslims, Middle eastern looking people and Different looking people (though islam, along with all other religions, should be destroyed-but the people shouldnt, and nazis arent allowed to do it before anarchists can)

A felney lynch mob meeting trashes mikes house, it takes him 4 days to put it right again, how convenient XD

The milkman overcharges a rich italian family who live in the felney manor house for the last time...

Unusually high winds in felney cause bits to fall off all the poorly-constructed mobile phone masts, often onto the roofs of barry boys cars

A pirate TV channel "Channel felney" goes on the air, it shuts down later but a rumored pirate radio station called "Anarchy FM" allegedly starts soon afterwards, mike smith of 6 pork lane has, naturally, nothing to do with this

Dierdre and Lionel Anderson, middle-class supporters of the "Gay correction" institutes are injured in a firework "Accident",

Lionel dies from his injuries, boo hoo

An armed madman rampages through a local branch of the social services killing 12 social workers. An anonymous civilian prankster recommends him for the distinguised service medal (DSM) to the military

Aaron has the best orgasm ever had by any human ever to celebrate...he doesnt quite know, but it was special and vinny liked it too XD

A new mobile phone mast as tall as blackpool tower is erected in Felney on the site of the old one. It falls down a few seconds later

Mike, in true anti christmas spirit, puts up one set of christmas lights when everyone else in the village has thier house done up like santas grotto. Apparently to make up for lacking in certian other areas XD (yep, they all have skodas, but not 1.3 favorit mean machines like my mate has) ((so dont kill me mikie XD))

Ann admits to herself she is bi..and tires mike out "catching up" throughout the entire christmas season

SNOW!!!!!

The queen decides to remove all subtlety from her speech this year, it now reads "Obey or die Obey or die Obey or die..."

Ann finally puts mike down (yep, the last frame of the december 17^th issue didnt happen the same day XD)

Mike and aaron ponder philosophical points. What will the world be like the same time next year, will it even still be here? And why will they still be 25 when they should be 27 by that time?

An earthquake in India means people are kind to Steve, the corner shop owner. Despite two important facts

1-he's from London

2-He has no relatives, or friends, or anything anywhere in Asia XD

Gay times admit theyre a boring grey tory-voting publication. Vinny buys one just to take the piss, its the only time him or aaron ever buys a mainstream gay mag

Acclaimed soap opera "grim-fucking-northern-town-where-everyhing-gets-fucked-up enders" broadcasts its controversial storyline where a boy who is "sevuntain" falls in love with a girl who is only "fuhrtain". It ends with the girls parents following the standard government-approved procedure for the circumstances. IE Locking the girl in a room, giving her cigarette burns and forcing her to stand in a bucket of icy water until she dies upset and alone while the boy is sent to jail as a "pedophile rapist" where he is murdered by thugs who where paid off by the Sun to do it. Robin cook applauds the storyline and says "Let this be a warning to any children who dare to dabble in the dark and evil unchristian practice of 'love' "

The annoying guy who travels with mike in his van "Dissapears"

Some foxhunters are killed in an "accident" where somebody "accidently" replaces the airbag in thier landstalker with a bomb

Vinny gets a job going in Mikes van for G.I.T

G.I.T decides to make thier drivers wear cute bunny ears for easter. Vinny melts.

The queen mum dies, huge crowds of people absolutley fail to turn up to sign the books of condolence to her

"Accidental" fire at Center parcs turns out to be caused by some utter idiot making an improvised missle by taping a load of Poppers together.

Jean marie le pen's "Freedom" party make it to the final round of the general election. Loads of people vote for Chriac's party (Tories) just to keep the Nazis out. Meanwhile in felney the people dont know weather to support le pen cause he's a nazi or hate him cause he's not english. It doesnt matter because he loses anyway

A bloke called Captian capitali$m comes to Felney, he dies after smoking a joint laced with kyriptonite

There is some "slight" disruption to rail services after a train crash

Some pranksters on a river thames tour boat start playing Sex pistols songs at top volume because its the jubilee

"Svengland" is knocked out of the world cup, but Mike, Tina and Aaron dont notice and are a bit bemused when they are suddenly booted from the hotel the next day

A huge meteor is found to be heading towards earth with the ability to destroy all life as we know it, everything on the planet would change if such a disaster where to happen..everything except the fens that is

A very hot day leads to trains being delayed, apparently the heating would overheat, alough they fail to realise theres no point in having the heating on if its a hot day

A new anglia TV series called "Stanley thristwaites moral advice" is broadcast in association with the Anglia news. For some reason the series is broadcast from buses, and this week the bus from Ely to Felney is chosen, which means aaron and one of his friends/sort-of lovers get to listen to his mad rantings

"A man in a suit and top hat with long brown hair in a ponytail" is run over by the 2:30 from Kings cross, police are still trying to identify him

Because two girls have gone missing in the local area Aaron and Tina are put under constant police surveillance, because gay people have a "high tendancy to perversion" according to an 'expert' in the matter who identifies himself only as "the pope"

Ann and Tina and then Aaron and a surfer guy he meets break the record for "most sex had on a one-week holiday", though Ann and Tina make up 99% of that, as only two women could XD

Aaron and the rest stop off and Vinny's and meet his friend Mei, who likes to live with a gay guy so she can run her own gay ametur porn site, and wank a lot. She is only just beaten on the hornyness scale by Ann XD

An earthquake measuring 4.6 on the richter scale hits the fens just as Ann and Tina reach orgasm, mike gets to make a "Did the earth move for you?" joke. Nobody laughs.

A mystery white van driver is mounting a campaign of terror on Mike and Aaron for unknown reasons

Said van runs over vinny, but he escapes with minor leg injuries. He reports it to the police finally, and they rather surpsingly actually listen even after finding out he is gay. But then theyre the Cambridge police and not from the Fens

The van manages to wreck two police cars and kill several people while escaping a chase. The hold up makes it hell for Aaron and Vinny to get home. Mike decides to go for a burger because theyre taking so long when the van shows up and begins chasing them and trying to kill them both. Eventually mike rams it off the road by accident (lucky he was in his VW van XD) and they find out the crazy driver is Aarons mum, Diedre. She dies from her injuries and they all live happily ever after, And aaron accidentally gives her a free cremation by blowing up a gas cylinder trapped underneath the wreck

A masked madman babbling "make connection work or die" attacks a local "broadband in your area" confrence and hospitalises 3 people. Police are looking for "a man who was seen in the area wearing dirty orange overalls and had long brown hair in a ponytail hanging out the back of his hood"

A bunch of barry boys burn down the post office, again

The manor public school has an "accidental" fire in its store room

The only time mike ever lets aaron do anything sexual with him. And its only because he's too busy playing GTA Vice city to wank himself so aaron steps in

Myra hindley dies, nobody really cares, until the media tells them to

 Janurary 3^rd 2003

A part of Huntingdon life sciences 'mysteriously' explodes after somebody 'must have gotten to' the gas cylinders which where delivered there in a G.I.T van

A "new" satellite channel, FEN starts, which broacasts skateboarding and early rap stuff from 1991 america, especially the stuff that resulted when christians started to hijack it to make themselves look trendy, but they really just look like even bigger pricks than usual, of course such an amazingly amazingly SHIT channel wouldn’t last long in real life would it? (Im looking at you, BEN)

Mike and some friends steal a big pink limo from elton john and cruise the motorways in it, throwing phonebook sized gay mags out of the window at people, then crash it. They are never caught because the only person who knew it had been stolen was in the boot at the time XD

Aaron visits a gay pride rally, where he listens to some BNP cunt rant on about how asylum seekers are "taking over", then is herded into a room with a few hundred other droids to watch a movie of people on a 70's gay pride riot being shot by cops, and then the boss of calvin klien appears and tells them to calm down, because as long as CK exists there can be no individuality among gay people, and therefore no questioning of the government, he becomes pretty disollusined by the gay movement after that

Doctors invent a new device which can be 'installed' in people and knocks them out if they ever get too excited, they hope it will result in all of the working class populace being forced into docile submission by the government, with no chance of protests, or lawbreaking, or anything exciting

A few days into the second gulf war, soldiers find no weapons of mass destruction anywhere in iraq, though on the news they get to broadcast grainy green pictures of flashes of light against a city skyline and go on about how it "Clearly shows" that bombers are not hitting any civilian buildings

Dumpcar forest (an unfortunate name really, its mostly full of fridges) is awarded SSSI status

Dumpcar forest is sold for development by a housing company

Several old people who fought in the war so that the british people could have freedom of choice get annoyed that they are actually using this freedom of choice to by japanese cars ect, so start a society called the Felney anti-japanese society in a bid to tell people what to do, and if anyone doesn’t agree with them they force them into slave labour with no food or water

Today is the day of the local elections to elect local MP's around the country, in the Ely ward the tories unsurpisingly win again

The new UK series of "Big brother starts"..what a load of SHIT! (Yes, "we" have big brother here too, it was invented in britain, so now you know who to blame!)

TATU are kicked out of the eurovison song contest because they where going to kiss onstage, which would go against the "Family friendly" (Fascist friendly) status of the show, and also because the people who run the contest found out that people actually liked TATU and brought their CD's, which means they couldn’t possibly be part of the contest XD 

 July 10^th 2003

..Still no weapons of mass destruction in iraq..

The day britain stopped

Britains new PM, Robbin crook, is elected, he immediatley announces new laws, including

-Women must be covered up at all times, and houses where women live must have the windows painted over, so that no children can see any bare skin and become 'prematurley sexualised'

-The age of consent for sex is raised to 21, or 30 for gay people

-The police are given sweeping new powers to monitor, search and arrest anyone without trial, charge, evidence or even a crime, this is instituted to protect people's civil rights, such as the freedom to walk around without being arrested

-It is now a crime to talk to anyone a different age on the internet, because anyone older than you is a pedophile, and anyone younger might be raped by you. Also if anyone tries to open any mp3 file on their computer they are arrested for music piracy, even if its one they recorded themselves

-The death penalty is reintroduced for a range of crimes, including "Just not looking right", executions are to be carried out in public at wembly stadium, on the spot where the world cup goal went in

-Children must not be seen or heard, ever, until they are 21, this is to prevent pedophiles snatching them, also nobody can ever reveal any details about a child, even the child themselves, this includes name, age, address, sex, or what theyre interested in

-People are forced to install special "two-way home entertainment units" in every room of their house, these bulletproof screens display important news and government announcements at all times, and also allow the police to monitor every room of the users house, to prevent break-ins, or pedophiles getting their children

The neo-fascist british government is crushed by a revolutionary group called "The New Democratic Union", thier policy: a return to the welfare state vision of the 1950's Old labour, with a new system of democracy that allows the people of the country to vote on EVERY issue about running the state, more political progress is made in one year than was ever made in a decade before. The idea of New democracy spreads to countries like America, Russia, China, Japan and others

Various countries and rebel factions attempt to crush the New democracy that has allowed the people of the planet more freedom than they have had for centuries, they form a military force known as "Stealth force", the logo of which looks strangley like that of the fedaration in star trek, only sideways. The other countries form their own army called "Wolf force", the logo of which looks oddly like the wolverhampton football team logo. The two sides clash and world war 3 starts. Stealth force create an "Obedience formula", which seems to turn infected people into rampaging undead cannibals, a descendant of the "zombie magic" used by a man in Felney centuries before?

World war 3 ends in victory for wolf force, a soldier named Steve gunn is hailed as a hero of the war, having lived through some of its fiercest battles to strike (often personally) at the enemy where it hurts the most

Stealth force re-emerges as a criminal organisation demanding a return to the old ways of 2014, its new leader is called Kate thristwaite, who comes from felney. Kate's daughter tells wolf force where she is hiding (her house, felney) and it is bombed

Steve gunn quits the army and joins the NYPD, where he helps to bring down rebel groups that are part of "neo stealth-force", as well as general lowlifes

Steve gunn is shot while trying to stop some zombies created by a madman in america using the same formula used by stealth force, He is buried, but secretly cryogenically frozen along with his gun, called "The gun" (how imaginitive), secret documents are filed away saying that the government are leaving this "Legendary warrior" to future generations

Mike, in his old age, tries to "beef up" his car to take tina, aaron, vinny and ann around quicker, none of them survives

Light and faster-than-light travel is discovered to be possible after all, using a new type of conventional-physics-defying engine called the "Reallyfast drive". A spaceship called the HMS Lionheart, which is a passenger cruiser, vanishes into "a weird wormhole thing"

Hyperspace is discovered, this allows spaceships to travel trough another dimension and sort of go "straighter than straight" and get to destinations faster, couple this with faster-than-light travel and you have something that allows interstellar space travel to be like getting the bus into the next town

Contact is made with FW, or Forest Warriors (I was 11, okay??), who have set up base on a planet called Nirisan, they are made up of people from the spectra, and their supreme warlord is Mike smith, the 5^th, XD

The Galactic government is formed from people from earth (Humans), Felitra (Felitrons, or cat people), and Terralis (Terralians), and FW, along with many other people, becomes allied with them. Together this galactic government has spanned and explored just about all of the milky way galaxy. There are various pirate organisations such as Spyrius (who I stole from lego XD) who are trying to rob and kill people, but the combined forces of the galactic government come together to stop them.

An alien force called Starkill (okay, I must have been about 9 then..) attacks the milky way, it turns out they already run 5 galaxies and are basically taking over anything and everything. A large space war against them starts off. They have really big ship called the Terminator, which can destroy planets

Starkill is stopped when the terminator spaceship is destroyed after a big battle, and there is no more people to war against and no more real criminals, a new era of anarchism starts, this time spanning an entire galaxy

People decide that anarchism is quite boring cause theres nobody to hope to overthrow, and a new government starts. Due to unreliable knowledge of the past it is belived that the TV licensing agency where the ultimate power in the past, and so they become the new government and capitalism is restarted. Unfortnatley (for them!) its very sucessful capitalism and everyone becomes a millionaire, so the corporations and government just make everything cost loads and loads of money. The law becomes enforced by a group called "The pigs", but people call them "The police" to insult them

Mike smith the, er, 10^th born in a city on earth called New felney. Its quite a backwards city, they reckon its immoral for holograms and droids to fall in love and keep whinging on about "I remember when all this where solar panels"

Mike moves to Planet felney to go to university there, he moves in with Aaron, a younger guy also from earth, and Vinny, a felitron, who are gay and really horny XD, but that doesn’t bother him because he is bi, unlike all the previous mikes

Aaron becomes oddly obsessed with not being seen as lazy, so he stores his christmas tree in the loft even though it’s just a holo-emitter the size of a credit card

The TV licensing agency finds out that Aaron and Vinny don’t have a TV licence, so they beam up mike where their leader, Darth foss, attempts to kill him, but mike maganes to escape by dropping a crate on his head, thiking the 'release' control is a lightsaber. Then a new rebel group called "People who don’t pay for their TV licenses against the nazis" (more unreliable knowledge of the past at work) make themselves known by attacking the TV licensing spaceship. Mike finds out a girl called Mei yonghong (daughter of one of the people who done good out of capitalism, Lu yonghong, who runs a fishing corporation on an ocean planet) is one of them, he also finds out she's even more horny than the old mei XD

Mike decides to get a job with G.I.T. Space transport, so he does

On his first day on the job the ship mike is on board gets attacked by the pigs in their spaceship, HMS illustrious, on suspcion of being pirates, even though they have unloaded all their cargo by then and the ship is empty. The captain, Captian steel, gets fed up with his stupid crew and comes over to the GIT ship himself, where mike tricks him into being trapped in his little shuttlecraft. Meanwhile Baz, who is mikes pilot, tricks the illustrious into flying to a sector on the other side of the galaxy. The first officer of the illustrious, Bill biker, thinks if they fly directly into a star with their sheilds calibrated right they will jump forwards to the sector in mere minutes..

HMS Illustrious arrives at its destination, just a few million years too early, but this doesn’t bother the crew too much because theyre busy contending with a small side effect of flying into a star, namley being turned into blackened skeletons standing in piles of ash

HMS illustrious crashes into the jungle which will one day become the North sea, Earth

Meanwhile Mike and Baz go outside to fix damage to their engines done by the ion cannons on the Illustrious, except captain steel gets out of his shuttle and flies off in the GIT spaceship. Mike and Baz have to hitch back to planet felney, and they get fired, then Aaron and Vinny are too busy sucking each other to even care about how bad mikes day went

Mike dies at the ripe old age of 256

The sun explodes, taking much of the solar system with it

A coulumnist in the Ely weekly news says he supports Gay marrage

A male with long hair walks through Felney and doesn’t get ANY dirty looks

Someone, somewhere, says "Its in bad taste to write something like that after 9/11"

The universe ends, on penalties