-rocks:- why rocks are the most intelligent life on the planet.

1. how many rocks do you know that support Man utd?

2. how many rocks do you know that support any football team?

3. how many wars do you know that were started by rocks? (apart from that big black one at the beginning at the 2001: a space odyssey)

4. rocks dont sit infront of baywatch on a saturday afternoon with a big box of kleenex... they dont get colds.

5. The ultimate reason why rocks are more intelligent than humans: no rock has ever bought a mcdonalds hamburger, ever. not even when they were REALLY hungry.

-Five things to do with a face flannel:-

1 essential clothing for rocks.

2. something to give to a naked member of the opposite sex when they ask for some clothes.

3. can be chewed to remove the taste after eating a mcdonalds hamburger.

4. place one on your head, go into a police station and say "pull my flannel, pull my flannel", very urgently.

5. soak one in water and use it as a weapon.

6. oh yeah, you can also wash with it too, if you are REALLY boring.

-How to get to another planet:-

1. build a sodding big thumb and hitch hike to the next flying saucer.

2. superglue your arse to one of NASA's rockets.

3. flap your arms REALLY fast.

4. send out a general message offering a book token to anyone who'll take you to another planet.

5. join the CIA... we all know they have made contact.

6. go on national television and say "someone take me to another planet, oh go on, pppppllllleeeaaassee" in a very pitiful voice.

7. drop a tonne of acid and visit the nearest planetarium.

-what to say when aliens have landed:-

1. wash your windows mate?

2. oi, cant you read? NO PARKING!!

3. no, no. we didn't have none of these new fangled flying machines in my day, we had to use a big cannon!

4. hey man, dig the saucer, especially the go faster stripes.

5. i tell you what, i can part exchange that interstellar vehicle for a brand new ford fiesta.

6. i'll give you a fiver if you obliterate mcdonalds.

7. cor, i wonder how many rocks you can fit in that!

8. the VERY BEST thing to say when the aliens have landed: oh shit.

NB: if you are arrested by alien police officers, just put your flannel on your head and whimper pathetically.

-five things to do with celebrities:-

1. crucify them on a giant egotistical portraits of themselves.

2. attack them with a wet flannel.

3. burn them on large bonfires made of lots of little egotistical portraits of themselves.

4. ask for a signed photo, then blow your nose on it.

5. melt them down and pour them into a giant mould to create a giant army to invade Mars with.

-what to say if you are about to die:-

1. shit.

2. SHIT!

3. OOOHHH SSHHIITTT!!!!

4. AAAHHH BOLLOCKS!!!!

5. fuckfuckfuckbuggeritsoddsoddshitmeohshitmefuckarsebuggerbollocks.

6. sodd it.

-five great chat up lines:-

1. hey babe, wanna stroke my pet rock?

2. i've got a flannel that would just love to meet you.

3. AAAAHHHH, you look like Elvis.

4. you know, i think i was abducted by aliens with you once.

5. walk calmly up to them, vomit profusely down their front, apologise and clean up the mess with your handy pocket flannel.

-ten GREAT excuses for being late:-

1. sorry, but my legs fell off on the way.

2. sorry, but the dali lama stopped me to ask for some advice.

3. sorry, i was abducted by aliens.

4. sorry, i was abducted by noel edmonds.

5. sorry, but my pet rock was sick.

6. sorry, my car broke down.

7. sorry, my horse broke down.

8. sorry, but im dead.

9. sorry, but you're dead.

10. what do you mean late? who the hell are you? get away from me you psycho!!!

-ten great excuses for not handing in work:-

1. my rock ate it.

2. i ate it.

3. all time exists at once, so i've already given it to you.

4. it spontaneously combusted.

5. sorry, the times literary supplement wanted it first.

6. it was taken by aliens.

7. a small tribe in south Wales is now worshipping it as their god.

8. i cant give it to you, if i do, all the pixies will DIE!!!

9. i was threatened by an elephant with a peach at a bus-stop. i had to throw it at him and run.

10. i was threatened by an angry gorilla at some traffic lights with a tin of beans, i had to poke him in the eye with it and run.