Chapter Six

"Eve, I've never wanted anyone to know all of me, to really understand me," Ryan said feeling her relax slightly in his arms, "But I want you to see me for who I really am, not what the world sees me for." 

"Then show me," Eve replied looking at him curiously, "let me see you for who you are Ryan. I want to know everything regardless of how hard you've tried to bury yourself. Please....." she urged.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Ryan asked watching her and not knowing how to respond actually. 

"I want to know you," Eve replied honestly. "I think I'm ready to learn all I can about you." 

"Then I think you should. Let's get you dressed and warm and I'll tell you everything you want to know." 

"Okay," Eve replied with a nod moving slightly. 

Ryan helped her up and wrapped her up in a warm towel, "I'll go warm up some tea while you get dressed." 

Eve watched him leave and moved into the other room to put on something comfortable. A few minutes later she returned to the living room taking a seat on the sofa. For some reason unknown to her, she was genuinely interested in hearing what Ryan had to say. The hatred she'd felt for him wasn't there like it had been and somehow she felt in understanding him, maybe everything would make sense. She waited patiently for him to arrive. 

Ryan made her a cup of warm tea and carried it to the sofa, sitting beside her as he placed the mug into her hands, "I'm ready to tell you everything, Eve."

"All right," Eve nodded wondering if he truly meant that.  She took a sip of her tea before reaching out for his hand.  She spoke up cautiously deciding to go for the big one as she asked. "Tell me about what happened to you with your mother." She could see him tense up at the mention of her, but she squeezed his hand. "She can't hurt you anymore but I want to understand you and that's part of you."

"It's the worst of me and the best of me all at the same time, Eve. That's sounds like a paradox but that's what I am. To understand me, you have to know that I'm two different things. I am what people see me for, but there's an entire different part of me that no one has ever wanted to see. It's the part that I have to live with every day and night that I live through. It's the me that loves you." 

Eve held his hand tighter as she looked into him wanting to know more.  She could see how difficult this was for him, yet at the same time he was almost at ease with her.  She touched his face. "I know this will sound strange, but somehow I think I understand what you're telling me. I've seen the outer you and I believe I'm starting to see your other side and I want to know him." she paused waiting for him to say something else as she looked at him. 

Ryan paused for a moment as he looked at her then nodded and continued, "Mother
was . . . . well, let's say that maternal instincts meant something completely different to her. She created the monster that destroys, but she also is somehow responsible for the lighter side of me. She could be something bright when she wanted to be, but more often than not, she was a terrible woman who subjected me to horrors that I can't recount."

Eve listened patiently nodding to let him know that she was taking in his every word seeing the pain in his eyes as he spoke almost as if he was trying to detach himself from this. She could hear the ache in his voice and her heart went out to him surprisingly.

"When I was older, I began to understand that my mother wasn't normal. And then Victor took Kevin away, leaving me all alone with her. I'd never felt more alone in my entire life. I was so young and I didn't know what to do, or what to say to anyone. She was my mother. She was supposed to be the one person I could love, but she didn't allow me that," he said looking off and remembering, feeling the pain and shame all over again, "It was much later that I became Ryan, the man to be feared. I wanted complete unconditional love, like a mother should have given her child, but I never was able to find it. When I didn't receive the love I wanted, I reacted with anger and hate and I took all the pain and shame out on the women. I did to them what I had always wanted to do to mother." 

Eve could feel her heart breaking for him as he confided in her telling her the truth for the first time.  She reached out to him placing her hand on his shoulder before speaking up soothingly. 

"No one should ever have had to endure what you went through Ryan," she stated softly seeing the shame in his eyes, "what she did to you was unforgivable and no child should ever have to deal with that ever." she paused for a moment contemplating her words carefully. "I know you're hurting, but Ryan I promise you that you're not alone anymore. She can't hurt you anymore and I see that you aren't' the monster she made you to be. You've shown me that in the way you've taken care of me, and the fact that you didn't kill me last night when I pushed all of your buttons, that says something." 

"It says that maybe the problem was always with me instead of the women that I hurt. Maybe I didn't love them enough. I wasn't able to kill you," he said honestly, "I felt the same power I always had. I felt the same rush that it had always given me, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't. I saw the panic in your eyes and I wanted to hurt myself more than you. I love you, Eve. I've never done that before with anyone." he stopped and looked into her eyes as he realized something, "I killed them all for nothing," he couldn't breath as the weight of it all pressed on him. 

Eve didn't know what to say as he made that realization. It was as if his whole perception of everything had been transformed in that instant and something had awakened in him. She wanted to assure him that everything would be alright, but she knew that in his mind, it could never be alright....that the past could never truly go away regardless of how badly she knew he wished it could.  She was afraid to move not wanting to break the moment as she saw the distance in his eyes. Suddenly she felt compelled to reach out to him somehow, but she wasn't sure what to do, so she remained frozen in place.

"What have I done?" Ryan said more to himself than to Eve, trying to figure out how he'd been so careless in his life.

Eve could see himself buried deep in his thoughts as she finally broke down and reached out to him taking him in her arms and holding him close to her. Without a word, she urged him to recline back and put his head in her lap where she cradled him running her fingers through his hair hating to see him hurting. After everything had been said and done, she realize that while she wanted so desperately to hate him, not to care, part of her was bound to him and always would be.  She ran my fingers through his hair seeing the tears in his eyes.

Ryan couldn't believe that all this time, he had really been the bad guy.  He had been the problem. "If I could have loved them, they could possibly have loved me, but I never gave them the chance. Instead, I killed them. I got rid of them all. I destroyed them and they were innocent. I'm so sorry, so sorry," he said crying as if he were a little boy all over again. 

Eve watched the tears fall from his eyes and her heart melted completely.  She felt helpless unable to keep him from hurting as he fell apart right before her eyes.  She wiped at his tears touching his cheek. He seemed so fragile and remorseful as she held onto him feeling closer than she'd felt to someone in a long time. Without a word, she bent over slightly and kissed his forehead letting him know she was still here.
Ryan couldn't believe that he was really the monster that everyone had said he was. But with Eve he was different.  He had changed, and he owed Eve for that. She was the woman that he loved. The woman who had made him a better man.  He wasn't even sure how she had done it, but she had and he was grateful for it. As bad as it hurt to understand that he had done these things, it was something he had needed to face for a very long time. 

Eve could see he was in deep thought contemplating his actions no doubt as she held him close to her. So many things had happened during this brief period she'd been here with him.  She'd watched him transform from a monster to a person with a heart who'd been hurting all these years.  Never in her life had she felt a variety of emotions as she had in the time she'd spent with Ryan. Yesterday she was so set on walking out to be with Chris and that was her goal....to have Chris and be free to love him, yet knowing that he was with Julie now reaping the Devlin benefits no doubt...no, she dismissed that thought...regardless of what Chris was, she knew he had a heart, but it was no longer hers, yet here was Ryan, someone who'd hurt, who never felt loved and someone who needed her giving her purpose, something she'd never felt before. It took her breaking down to see him for who he truly was and right now there was nothing she wanted more than to help him, to ease this pain inside of him and bring him around. 

Ryan looked up at Eve slowly and looked into her eyes, needing to see what had changed me. Ryan saw her beauty, the heart that he'd fallen in love with so completely and the look of worry upon her face.  He spoke softly as he reached up to touch her cheek, "I could never do that to you." 

"I know Ryan," Eve answered bringing my hand upon his and holding it to her skin, "In that back of my mind, I had a feeling that you wouldn't kill me though last night I was terrified. So many times you had opportunity to hurt me, but you didn't unless I did something to fuel your anger, but no more." she kissed his hand. "No more of that. I understand now."

"I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I ever hurt you, Eve. If I could take it back," Ryan paused looking into her eyes, "I would."

"I know Ryan," Eve whispered feeling the sincerity in his tone. She looked into his dark eyes seeing so many things she hadn't seen before as she leaned forward kissing him, but not because she was trying to pacify him, but because she wanted to unlike she'd ever wanted to before.  She brushed her lips to his gently hoping he understood her meaning.

Ryan returned her soft kiss, relishing the feel of her lips to his.  He couldn't believe that he had revealed himself and he was the one that had been the most surprised. She seemed to see the real him, the person that he was beneath all the walls he put up. 

As their lips parted, Eve looked down at him seeing a look of wonder in his eyes.  She  touched his cheek lightly and looked into him feeling as if she'd truly seen him for the first time.

"Eve," Ryan said softly as he looked into her eyes, wondering if she had truly seen him for him.  He also found himself wondering how she would feel now that he'd opened himself to her this way and wondering if he'd done the right thing by letting her in. 

"Yes?" Eve asked gazing down at him. He seemed so fragile in her arms as she held 
him close to her. She looked into his eyes wondering what lie beneath them.

"Thank you," Ryan said as he looked into her eyes, realizing that he had her to thank for getting to know himself better. 

"For what?" she asked softly sensing a change in him, one that she was getting used to. Somehow she felt connected to him unlike she'd ever been connected to anyone before.  She tried to shake the thought, but in this instant, she could honestly say that she felt very strongly about him.....perhaps even felt love in the purest sense of the word.  She looked to him amazed at this profound effect he'd had on her when hours before she'd cringed at his touch, but that wasn't him....not the same man here in her arms.  She ran her fingers through his hair again just looking at him in awe.

"For making me get to know myself. For making me separate the two parts of me. I have everything to owe to you. You've caused a change in me, Eve, one on the deepest possible level," she answered, trying to figure out what she was thinking or feeling even though she wasn't even sure what she was thinking or feeling.

"I think it's been waiting to come out inside of you for a long time," Eve started speaking softly as her traced his jawbone with her finger, "I'm just grateful that you found yourself at ease to talk to me about it. I'm honored to have been the one you finally opened yourself to and for that Ryan, I feel as if a whole new door has opened for us."

"I don't know what lies ahead of me now. For so long, I thought I knew exactly what I had to do to survive and how to act, but now, all of that seems so confusing," Ryan said honestly as he tried to think of a future, but not able to get past the moment here with Eve, "I don't know where that door will lead."

"Neither do I Ryan, but I'm willing to see what will happen," she admitted taking his hand in her and pressing a kiss into his palm, "and where ever this road leads you, know that I'm going to be right here with you every step of the way." 

"You're sure? You're sure that you can walk with me through that door.  I'm so scared, Eve. I have no idea what is ahead, and I'm honestly scared."

"Ryan, I will be here with you through every step of it," Eve insisted boldly, "At first I was terrified and I didn't want to see you once you'd told me who you were, but now in seeing you truly seeing you, I don't want to see you in pain like this." Eve touched his face again seeing how fragile he was. "What ever happens, I promise you that you won't be alone and whatever demons come your way, I'll be here to help you face them no matter how frightening they may be." she finished truly meaning it as she leaned over to kiss his forehead. 

She thought of her breakdown earlier and how he'd tried to help her--to love her and she sighed. "Somehow I think we need each other more than either one of us realized until now." 

"I don't know how much good I'll be to you like this. I've never been this way in my life, never needed anyone, but I can't deny that I need you. I need your strength, your guidance, your love."

"And I've never felt needed like this before Ryan. Seeing your love for me and how much you've come around, it's done something to me, perhaps it's made me love you more." she said feeling the words escape her lips finally. "I do love you Ryan--more that I realized and I think we needed to break down these walls with one another to get to this point, but we're here and I want you, need you and I sense that together we can overcome whatever nightmares are out there waiting to try to bring us down." I caressed his cheek. "I know 
you have a past that we need to deal with, but together we can turn this around." she said hopefully. "I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either, Eve," Ryan said feeling overwhelmed by all of this, by his own discoveries, and her love. Her love. That was what he wanted so badly.  He looked into her eyes and took her hand in his, "We'll face the future together."

Eve kissed his hand holding it firmly letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere. That everything that had happened had changed and she wasn't going to abandon him like everyone else had.  She was going to stay with him--to help him, to help herself and be with him. "Yes we will," she agreed softly.

"Eve, I couldn't ask for more," Ryan whispered looking up at her and squeezing her hand. 

Eve smiled down at him feeling a weight off her shoulders as they sat together on the couch.  She wasn't sure what the future had in store for them, but she could say in this instant that she felt as if she'd gotten a chance to know the real Ryan. 

Ryan sat up slowly, looking into her eyes as he touched her cheek, "Eve, you've done something to me that I thought wasn't possible." 

"Ryan, you're the one who's done this, not me," Eve said looking back into his dark eyes. "It was you who came around." 

"But you're the one who made me look at myself for what I am, instead of living what I wanted to be." 

"Ryan deep inside of you, you were waiting for the right moment to let yourself loose," Eve said reaching out to him. "I'm just glad you felt at ease with me to be able to do this." 

"You're the first person that's ever really loved me. And you're the first person that I've ever really loved." 

Eve felt something when he said that and for the first time in her life she felt needed....truly needed for something more than just 'entertainment'.  She looked into him before inching towards him to kiss him gently. "I do love you and want to keep loving you Ryan," she whispered feeling the heat of his response as she knew he'd never had anyone speak those words to him before. She felt electrified knowing that she could bring something to him he hadn't ever had.

"Eve," Ryan whispered, taken by her words. He was speechless in this moment feeling like he'd never felt before.  He'd wanted to be loved, to be needed and finally someone had found it in him to love.

Eve looked into him seeing the surprise in his eyes as she told him she loved him.  She touched his cheek never breaking the contact between them. Without a word, she pulled him into an embrace feeling her heart go out to him as she held him wanting him to know that he had her and her undivided attention.

"You have no idea how you make me feel. You have given me exactly what I wanted for so long."

"I'm just sorry that we hurt each other like we did," she whispered still holding him close to me.  She wasn't sure what was happening, but she felt as if she was thinking clearly for the first time in the last twenty four hours.  She thought of how he'd taken care of her regardless of what had happened and she held him tighter.

"I wish I could take back the things I did and said to you. They were all hateful and ugly and you didn't deserve them. Especially now that I know your heart and you know mine." 

"Ryan I did some horrible things to you too," Eve confessed thinking back to earlier when she'd manipulated him so that they wouldn't end up making love.  She felt a bit guilty about that as she looked away. "I tried to hurt you and I'm sorry."

"You never would have done that if I hadn't terrified you. I'm so sorry I hurt you," Ryan
 said softly as he cupped her cheek, making her look into his eyes, "You don't have to apologize for trying to protect yourself." 

Eve looked into him seeing the sincerity in his tone and she smiled.  She'd gone through a vast array of emotions since they'd first found ourselves together and now, seeing him as he was, she felt linked to him. Everything else seemed to fade away as their eyes met. Thoughts of being alone weren't haunting her as they had earlier. Inside this room there was just Ryan and her and the rest of the world faded leaving them together with the truth at last. 

Ryan watched her and saw the different look in her eyes. She seemed calm, at peace.  He touched her cheek and lowered his eyes as he thought of how they'd come to this point.  He'd been so horrible to her and now she was being too good to him, better than he deserved, but at the same time, it felt so good to feel wanted and loved. 

Eve noticed he'd looked away and worried that he would lose himself in his negative thoughts once more, she lifted his chin to meet her gaze once again.  She didn't want him to slip again and as long as she could, she was going to keep him from falling.  She leaned in kissing him hoping to alleviate whatever doubts may have been running through his mind. 

Ryan returned her kiss moving his fingers into her hair as he held her.  He found himself completely focused on her, shutting out the past. 

Eve found herself spell bound in the moment with Ryan when suddenly she heard the 
words escape her lips almost unwilling to believe she'd said them as they kissed. "Let me make love to you Ryan," she whispered wanting to show him what he'd missed out on all these years.

Ryan looked into her eyes and sat in awe of her, unable to say anything. He leaned forward kissing her again, tenderly as if to answer her question.

Eve held him in her arms understanding his response as she kissed him not wanting to push him too fast just yet. She touched his cheek lightly just hoping to ease some of his pain as she moved in closer to him. "Let's do this right," she said softly.

"You're so perfect, Eve," Ryan said softly looking into her eyes, and wondering what he had ever done in my life to deserve this very special lady before him. 

Eve looked back into him seeing a softness in his face as she leaned in to kiss him again. She held him close to her just enjoying the feel of having him in her arms knowing that he needed her so much.  She kissed him again before getting up and taking his hand in hers. "Let's go into another room," she said urging him off the couch.

Ryan squeezed her hand and followed her as she led him. Having someone who
truly needed him, loved him, and even wanted him was so different, so new and
exciting. It was something he'd wanted for so long and here was Eve, the woman who'd showed him so much in a very short time. 

Eve led him down the hall towards the bedroom when she stopped herself remembering the horrors that had gone on in there last night.  She turned to look at him touching his face for a moment.

"On second thought, let's go upstairs," she suggested not wanting to relive any of the past with him. As they went upstairs she started thinking about how crazy she was for doing this when a while ago, it would've killed her to even be this close to him. Once inside the room she closed the door kissing him.

Ryan returned her kiss, holding her in his arms, not rushing anything at all.  At this moment, he was content to hold her and kiss her, knowing that she loved him. After all he'd done, especially within the past 24 hours, she still cared for him, maybe more so after what they'd discovered in each other.

Kissing Ryan Eve began to think about the last day of her life. Nothing seemed to make sense any more. Even this was not within the limits of sanity for her, yet here she was holding him ready to seduce him for the mere fact that he needed her.....something she'd never felt before...to be truly needed.  She guided him over towards the bed never breaking the kiss.

Ryan caressed her cheek as they kissed, so taken by her, ready to follow anywhere she led, to do anything she asked. 

Eve pushed him back onto the mattress and looked at him. Without a word, she moved into him positioning herself on his lap and kissing him again before pulling at the buttons on his shirt.

Ryan returned her kiss, wanting to feel her hands on his skin, to feel her skin against his. This was the first time of them together, needing each other for who they were.  He moved his hands to her waist, holding her against him.

Eve continued to kiss him just trying to show him that she understood he needed her and she would be what he needed. As they kissed she ran her fingers across his skin thinking about this feeling she had knowing that someone needed her.  She wouldn't be alone any longer, she thought to herself. Pushing him down onto his back she took his hand in hers kissing his fingers gently.

Ryan watched as she kissed his fingers, watching her look back at him with those beautiful brown eyes. She wasn't going to leave him and he knew that he had what he wanted.

Eve looked at him placing his hand on her and she smiled.  She guided his hand over 
her body when suddenly an image of him nearly choking her jumped into her head.  She flinched slightly looking down at his hands imagining them tightening around her neck.  She pushed the thought aside and leaned in to kiss him.  She began to rationalize......Ryan wouldn't kill her. She was different.....he loved her.

Ryan noticed a slight change in her for a moment and then she was different again.  He was wondering what had crossed her mind, but he was almost afraid to ask. Was she afraid of him again? Had he done something wrong? He couldn't lose her, not now, not when they had made a connection to one another.

Eve could feel him somehow different inside as she kissed him again.  She continued 
to touch him trying to dismiss whatever it was that just happened.  She pulled up slightly taking her shirt off and tossing it across the room before leaning in to kiss him again. As they kissed she heard his voice threatening......chasing her down outside vowing to destroy everything she cared about, but why was she thinking this? Ryan loved her....he was open to her and that was what mattered. No one needed her like he did and he was right....no one else would love her like he would not ever. Ryan was going to be her everything. He'd told her that and he needed her.

"Ryan tell me you need me," Eve urged wanting to hear it again.

"I need you, Eve," Ryan whispered, kissing her again as he moved his hands up along her skin, "I need you so much. I love you, Eve," he said as he made eye contact with her briefly before they kissed hungrily.

Eve returned his kiss hearing the words that would provide ammunition for her to keep this going.  She was determined to give herself to him though somewhere in the back of her mind something was happening inside of her. Something felt off. NO, she thought to herself. Don't ruin this, but there it was that voice again.  She kissed Ryan harder trying to keep the voice from getting to her.  She pulled at his zipper pushing forward to remove his pants as things heated up with them.

Ryan kissed her deeply, moving his hands over her skin.  He pulled away slightly to look at her beautiful body before him before using his mouth to kiss her, to teach her how much he needed her. "I want you, Eve. I need you," he whispered against her skin.

Eve let out a moan feeling his lips graze her skin. While they'd been together so many times in the past this time it was different. This time she wasn't making love to Kevin, but Ryan and this was to be a new experience for both of them.  She touched his body letting him know that she appreciated his effort.  She could feel his breath on her body as she anticipated them making love.

"Eve," Ryan whispered, moving his lips over her skin before looking into her eyes.  He laced his fingers with hers and kissed her before saying, "I love you so much."

Eve looked back at him feeling him so ready to make love to her.  She returned his kisses urging him on as things came so close to them finally being together as one.  She touched his face looking into his eyes wanting so desperately to believe that he was the one she'd waited her life for...that nothing else mattered, but there was a voice lingering in the back of her mind.

"Tell me you want me. I want to hear you say it," ryan whispered, moving his hands down her body, so ready to make them one and love her completely. 

"I want you Ryan," Eve replied feeling him above her as she closed her eyes ready to feel him.  She could feel his body pressed to hers and as she said the words, she felt him position himself above her.  She opened her eyes seeing him above her feeling him start to move inside of her when something snapped. Suddenly the reality of the situation dawned on her as he kissed her again and she felt them together at last. In the middle of the kiss she pulled her mouth away realizing what she was doing. "No," she whispered somehow coming to her senses. "Ryan," she started feeling him getting into this. "No Ryan........stop...." 

Hearing her say that she wanted him penetrated his heart and made him want her more than he had before. As he withdrew and then moved inside her again, he heard her say no, then stop, and he panicked. She couldn't do this to him.  Tell him she wanted him, that she needed him, then play with him that way. No, he wouldn't let that happen.  He took her hands in his as he covered her mouth with his, silencing any protest as he continued to make love to her.

All of the sudden everything hit Eve hard. What was she doing? No, this couldn't be happening, she thought to herself unable to believe that she'd let herself get stuck in this situation. When she'd told him to stop, she was hoping he'd understand, but now everything went terribly wrong. All the talking they'd done had only led her into this position which clearly she had no control over.  She tried to scream begging him to stop, but it only pushed him on further. Feeling a panic attack coming on, she tried to struggle from underneath him, but it only made him more excited.  She could feel her eyes burning with tears as the reality of what she'd done began to hit her harder than anything. 

She screamed and Ryan lost all control, becoming totally involved in her.  He moved inside her watching her eyes, seeing them go from divided to afraid to hurt, but he couldn't stop himself, he couldn't let her go, not at this point.  He threw his head back as he climaxed then collapsed upon her.  He nuzzled her neck gently and then whispered smoothly into her ear, "You were wonderful."