The next part of my story is mostly raw emotion but you will eventually see why I cannot really exclude that from my own CI story. After reading this you will also understand why I am so grateful for the emotional support of the "Kwartels". (I call my CI friends the "Kwartels" - a nick name that means "Quail". The name is related to an Afrikaans idiom "So doof soos 'n kwartel" it means: "As deaf as a Quail" - the English proverb will be "As deaf as a door post")
My own journey back to the hearing world started on the 16th August 1999 - the day that I met Professor Johannes Swart for my CI evaluation. What I remember most vividly is Prof. Swart asking me: "En jy, wat verlang JY ? (And you, what do YOU want?") Suddenly I was at a complete loss to describe one of the most important things in my life!!
Hennie then answered on my behalf (this was the only time that he accompanied me for any of the appointments prior to my surgery). I could not hear what they said and after a while Prof Swart looked at me and repeated his question stating that he wanted ME to answer him. (Bless the dear man for not ignoring a deaf person!!). I then said: "Ek wil kan hoor! Ek glo nie ek sal slegter af wees na hierdie operasie as tans nie". (I want to hear! I don't believe that I will be doing worse than right now after this operation").
Later that evening I made a list of things that I wanted to hear again:
* The little bird that comes to eat the apple put out for him at our bedroom door.
* The small child whispering in my ear.
* My dear Hennie with only half a voice
* My friends wanting to talk to me on the phone
* The turtledove unexpectedly calling late in the darkest night.
* Water gurgling in the fountain next to my pot plants in the lounge.
A beloved voice amidst ten other people speaking;
AND...
* When I drop my keys;
* when the car door is not closed properly;
* when the doorbell rings;
* when the microwave oven announces that its job is done.
ALSO
The first rain on the roof in spring and the sweet sound of the violin when Hennie plays "his" music, because years ago on our first date, Hennie said to me; "Kom laat ek my musiek vir jou speel" ("Come let me play my music for you!") I realised that this also was what I wanted to say to Professor Swart earlier that same day.
One week later I read a story called "The good husband" by Gail Godwin and the following phrase jumped at me from the pages:
"They say Beethoven's last words were: 'I shall hear again in heaven'"
Was that perhaps how I perceived sound now? My audiogram says: "100% hearing loss in both ears" - so why can I "hear" my own voice? Or is it just in my heart and mind like it should have been for the famous composer because I cannot hear my voice when I try to sing? Yes, that's another thing that I would love to hear; an organ playing in the church. I can remember the pure magic when the organ suddenly started playing in the Sacre Coeur years ago on a visit to Paris France and the sound filling that magnificent church. Then I suddenly realised that a few days ago I was watching the wedding of Prince Edward to Sophie Rice Jones on TV and that there must have been an organ playing at some stage but I only experienced the ceremony visually.
I must also make a list of what I CANNOT hear to help me appreciate it better later on when I can hear again: - things like:
* a child laughing out loud;
* a babbling baby.
I continued reading Gail Godwin's book. She also wrote of the cancer patient saying to her doting, caring husband: ..."but you can get some rest while I am busy dying, .(they say). Goethe's mother's last words were: 'Say Frau Goethe is unable to come, she is busy dying!' " The book continued..."She closed her eyes but continued watching him through her ears as he moved about finding little chores to postpone his freedom from her."
This was such an apt description of our situation - I was doing the exact opposite - listening through my eyes - while my poor Hennie was busy with the hard work of dying!!
My friends you must pardon me, but there were many more raw emotions at that time. I now look upon them differently because I realise that those emotions had a severe impact on my ability to adapt with my babblebox three months later. I remember how I missed talking to him, how desperately I longed for the days when we used to sat talking and listening to music till late at night. My thoughts had wings and made numerous return journeys to years gone by when everything was still good and healthy - I wanted to look deeper than just the words that I could not hear and the lips that I could no more read. I felt severely disabled.
The heading for my diary entry on the 30th of August was: "Die BESTE Kersgeskenk!" (The BEST Christmas gift!) I went to the university alone to get the results of my CI evaluation. Esti Nel, my audiologist, announced that I was a suitable candidate for the CI and continued: "Ja, ek dink ons sal baie vir jou kan doen - ons sal 'n plan kan maak vir die eerste of tweede Dinsdag in November" (Yes I think we will be able to do a lot for you - we can make a plan for the first or second Tuesday in November). She also said that the 9th of November would be a good day because it also was her birthday!! When I got home it was all tears! Hennie could not believe that the surgery would be so soon. Our prayers were answered and the possibility was there to be back in the noisy world of the hearing at Christmas time. What a marvellous Christmas gift this promised to be.
That evening I wrote to all my e-mail friends to tell them the good news. Everybody responded and wished me well and my good friend Phyllis came to visit the next day. The afternoon belonged to Hennie - he was telling Phyllis about what it was all going to mean to me and for at least three hours he seemed to have forgotten his own agony. He expressed his worries about me not being able to cope when he would be there no more and also kept on cautioning me not to have too high hopes. I also lip-read him very well when he told Phyllis one of the nicest things in all our married life when he said: "You know, Wia is my second wife, but she is first in my life". I was happier than ever before but also scared and I thought: OK, even with the worst scenario for the outcome of this operation they cannot take away my ability to lip-read.
The very next day the downhill plunge started for Hennie when the oncologist told us that they could do nothing more for him. It was the same day that I met Rosi in person for the first time - the day of the miraculous telephone conversation. My dear friend Pat Jones also wrote a most inspiring letter on how she enjoyed her new hearing and promised to write to me EVERY day if that could help to cheer me up in this sad time. She honoured her promise for more than three months till their phone service was disrupted in January 2000.
The next two months swept past in a haze of worries about Hennie and my moods plunged and soared. I managed to find peace in myself mostly because my dear friend Glenda shared deep feelings and her courage strengthened my faith "want God was besig om in ons bos te kap". (because God was felling trees in our wood). I tried to practice what I read somewhere: "Just take time to look at God. And let Him look after you. That's all."
But during these pre-surgery days I also wrote:
"Ek is BANG: - vir jou siekte; om die dood te hanteer; vir my operasie; dat ek dalk nooit weer sal kan hoor nie; om weer alleen te wees". (I am scared - of your illness; to handle death; of my operation; that I will never be able to hear again; to be alone again.)
At the time of my surgery in November Hennie was almost too weak to leave his bed but he insisted on visiting me in the hospital and his loving face was one of the first that I recognized amongst my visitors. He stayed only briefly and later on I heard that he collapsed at the hospital entrance as they left to return home.
The rest of the day and night I spent fitfully. I NEVER slept!! Awake as a ghost suffering terribly nausea, dizziness, frequent blackouts whenever I tried to turn my head. I cried most of the night because there was no bell at my bedside and I couldn't get hold of anyone to help me. It was nothing short of a nightmare! In fact whenever I tried to close my eyes I had hallucinations and saw the most awful scarred faces!! All I wanted was to get home to my own bed.
The next morning I was still not able to stand up and was totally off balance. So much so that Prof. Swart was not over anxious to discharge me but my friends Edna and Phyllis promised that they would look after me and took me home. What bliss it was to get home with flowers everywhere and gifts to open! I immediately felt 100% better!
Once home I recovered quickly. I was however still quite off balance for a week after my surgery. There was no time to mope since Hennie was sinking fast. Three days after my surgery he was hospitalised again and I remember arriving at the hospital with the huge bandage still on my head!! I looked more like the patient than he did!!
I cannot remember much about the time between surgery and hook-up since every moment was spent caring for Hennie as he faded fast and I knew that the time of his death was drawing closer by the minute.
My hook-up was on the 29th November. My sister Hester accompanied me and we took the usual cakes etc. to celebrate the occasion but my heart was not really in it! All I wanted was to start hearing again and I had high hopes that I would return home and hear Hennie once again. The moment of hook-up was one of the most disappointing experiences of my whole life!! All white noise!! I just put on a show for everyone present. Smiling, trying to laugh and pretending that I was pleased with what was supposed to be my "new" hearing! I even kept up the pretence after getting home since I was so scared that Hennie would say: "I told you it was not going to work!!" Instead he just said: "You expected too much! You must be patient, it will get better!! Now open your gifts!!"
After that it was back to caring for Hennie again. Two days after hook-up I suddenly realised that my babblebox made funny noises and that it was not all my imagination. Esti was on leave so I went to see the other audiologist, Ronel. She mapped me for a SPrint body processor and all of a sudden it sounded more like speech - still very harsh and high-pitched but I could at least hear her voice. We then had to return my BTE babblebox to Cochlear and I had to make do with the SPrint. I was so disappointed by then that I could not care less.
On the 14th December Hennie's two brothers came to visit and realised that it was time to say their last good-byes. I had no hope that he would be with me till the next morning. I was so scared!! We had a lot of visitors that afternoon and after they left I felt very, very alone. By eight o' clock that evening Hennie suddenly started talking to me and I COULD HEAR HIM!!! The first miracle new sounds came over to me loud and almost clear! I immediately went and fetched the Christmas presents that I bought for him and decided to have our own very special Christmas celebrations right there and then!! I gave him two clay figurines depicting a little boy playing his guitar and a giggling little girl. To me they were like we used to be in happier times long ago. He was utterly delighted with his gift! He kept on talking and I kept on listening and crying!! I eventually fell asleep in his arms way after midnight.
When I woke up the next morning I saw that he was very thirsty and remembered that he never had taken in any fluids since the previous afternoon! I tried to give him some water but he could not even sip it. He just looked at me and asked "Waar is my mense?" (Where are my people?). I called his children, we said our good-byes and took him to Hospice. As I sat with him late that evening I could hear his shallow breathing - soft like the child's whisper that I so wished to hear - as the minutes ticked on. Just before ten that night I recognised a differenc in his breathing and got to him just in time to hold his hand when he just faded away at ten o'clock that night.
Even though I did not realise it at the time my own healing process started the next morning. Some months later I wrote to Stuart:
"The morning after his death I had yet another emotional hearing experience... We always enjoyed watching the garden birds - fed them to attract them to our bedroom window - and he used to tell me that the crested barbets sing a duet when calling each other. I could never hear them. That particular morning I was standing on our porch, grief stricken, watching the sun rise on the first morning of this new phase in my life and - lo and behold - two barbets perched on the roof of the neighbour's home and started singing their duet for me!! I still get goose flesh all over remembering that clear sound! Up till this day I have never heard that again."
"What do I try to say to you? Your CI will bring lots of very special emotions. Before as well as after your surgery and hook-up. Some will be good and some may even not be so good but you will realise that you have started a complete new phase of your life. Things that may have bothered you before will most probably become less important. And you will learn who your real friends are."
How very true these words ring for me today. It took a long time on the uphill journey to get me where I am today but some of the dreams that I had before I got the babblebox came true. After hook-up I COULD hear:
* Hennie saying his last words;
* the birds singing their duet;
* the organ playing at Hennie's funeral;
* the rain on the roof;
* Belinda (my Kwartel friend) talking to me on my cell phone;
* and the water running from the tap; (HAHA! telling me that my first babblebox was not functioning properly - I could still see the water running but stopped hearing it as babblebox cut out for the last time!) and;
* the annoying harsh bleep of my microwave oven!!
So what's life like today?
Directly after Hennie passed away the kwartels took over and came to my rescue. Rosi suggested that I join the CI forums; Pat Jones kept on encouraging and cheering me up with her frequent e-mail letters; Belinda can Zyl provided humour, numerous visits, laughter and fun; Hester van der Walt picked me up when I stumbled; Connie Marigold cared, laughed and shared magic moments; Belinda Reynolds and Ruth Kloss" came all the way from Johannesburg for fun, cake and tea; Marion Kilby wrote caring e-mails from Australia; Maddie sent huggggs from Canada and Cher Alderson provided laughter and sound advice on how to shut up some high frequencies on my present terrible map!! Rosi came to visit with Peet to provide mirth for the Kwartel parties and entertained us in Newcastle in return. Stuart Mc Naughton delighted me with his travel adventures in Borneo; Stephanie Britz is still lurking in the background providing a fresh youthful breeze with her anticipation for what a babblebox may bring to her and so on and so on and so on as new Kwartels keep entering the nest every day. Too many to name but you will get to know them all as time goes on.
I am happy and contented, my life is full of joy, I am still frustrated with my babblebox at times, I haven't got the patience that I need so desperately. Only yesterday Glenda again advised me: "Dear Wia, you must look ahead! God is behind you!!" All I want to do now is to share whatever good comes my way and where possible try and help others to get to the point where I am and beyond. Therefore I say: "Listen! It really IS heaven"!!
The journey continues...
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