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HIS LEFT-BEHIND VOICE
Corey woke up to see darkness. Well…darkness
and Shawn. His eyes and his hair were just visible in the dim light from the
window. Mostly, though, Corey just saw darkness.
“Are you really going to marry her?” Shawn sometimes looked like a wounded
puppy—floppy hair, big sad eyes, pouty lower lip—but that was usually in the
presence of pretty girls. Right now it was just Corey and Shawn, lying on their
sides in the dark, facing each other. But Shawn sounded like a wounded puppy,
and Corey suspected that in the light, he would look like one, too.
“Shawn—”
“I know you love her, and I don’t mind that. All’s right with the world when
Corey and Topanga love each other,” he said lightly, and Corey smiled. “But do
you have to marry her?”
“I think so,” Corey replied quietly. “She did propose. And I did say yes. I
thought you were okay with this, Shawn.”
Shawn didn’t say anything to that, but he shivered a little. The window was
still open from where he’d snuck into Corey’s room. Sometimes Corey forgot how
skinny Shawn was.
“Here, get under the covers.” He pulled the blankets back so Shawn could get
under them with him. “So, what are you doing here at…” he peered at the clock,
“…four in the morning? What’s up, Shawn?”
“Do you have to marry her?” Corey rolled his eyes, and Shawn grabbed his arm.
“I mean really. Is there anything that could stop you from marrying her? Anything.
Just think.”
Corey did, because he always did what Shawn asked him to. He lay there and
stared at his best friend’s face, inches from his own, and thought. Shawn’s
eyes were gleaming in the darkness.
Finally he said, “I can’t think of anything, Shawn. Why? Is there something
that I should be thinking about?”
Shawn kissed him.
It was slightly awkward, because they were both on their sides, and Corey
wasn’t expecting it. Their noses bumped, and their teeth smacked together
behind their lips, and Corey’s eyes were wide open and shocked the whole time.
But Shawn was so warm, and so Shawn, and his hand was fisted in Corey’s
hair, and once they got past the teeth-knocking, their mouths fit together
perfectly.
Shawn’s lower lip was wide and soft, like a girl’s.
Like Topanga.
Corey had to force himself to push Shawn away from him, and when Shawn made
this little whimpering noise in the back of his throat, he had to get off the
bed, away from him. He shoved the covers back and paced then floor, fisting a
hand into his own curls, pulling nervously. “Shawn, no.”
Shawn was still lying down. On Corey’s bed, Corey realized with an internal
groan. “But it was right. You felt it, Corey, I know you did.”
“I just mean… Why now, Shawn? God, why not…why not any time before this. I’m
getting married.”
“But you don’t have to, Corey. You don’t have to marry her.” Shawn got out of
bed, too, groping his way through the dark until he found Corey.
“I love her, Shawn. I have forever.”
“But you’ve loved me forever, too. You love me, don’t you, Corey?” Corey felt
Shawn’s hand touch his face, slide until it was cupping his jaw.
He stepped back from it, just so he could breathe. He couldn’t think with Shawn
touching him like that. “Yes. Yes, I love you,” he said. It was the first time
he’d ever said ‘I love you’ to his best friend. In words, anyway. “But Shawn,
its different.”
“Its not, Corey. You know its not.”
“Okay, its not. But it should be. She’s my girlfriend—my fiancée. And you’re…”
He didn’t have the words for what Shawn was to him. He finally settled on,
“You’re my best friend. And its different, Shawn.”
Shawn made some little wounded noise in his throat and sat back down on the
bed. Corey sat next to him, shifting until their thighs were pressed together
through his boxers and Shawn’s jeans.
“Shawn…are you sure this is really about us? Are you sure you’re not just,
like, nervous about…I don’t know. About Angela, and college, and everything?”
“No,” Shawn said vehemently. “God, Corey. Do you think this is the easy
way out? This is the most complicated thing I’ve ever felt.” His voice was raw.
It hurt Corey’s ears to hear it, because it was the same voice Shawn has used
when his mom left, and then when his dad left. It was his left-behind voice.
“What do you feel?” Corey asked. “Tell me.”
“Mostly I just feel really fucking stupid for not figuring this out earlier.
Back when nobody could get hurt from it, when we were younger. And the rest…”
Shawn laughed a little. “I don’t know. It’s so confusing. But it’s the
strongest thing I’ve ever felt, and I’ve been feeling it forever. I just didn’t
realize it.” He turned to face Corey. “And that’s how I know its real love,
Corey. Real, forever, ‘I love you’ love. Because it scares the hell out of me,
but it’s so familiar that I can’t remember ever not feeling this way.”
“Don’t say this to me,” Corey whispered.
“And I realized that if you marry Topanga, I’ll lose you forever. I’ll never
get to be with you this way. She’s always had a part of you, and I knew that,
but I always had a bigger part, so that made it okay. And now you want to give
her all of you.”
“This is about having a part of me?” Corey said. “Shawn, why would I want you
for that?”
“No, Corey, you don’t get it.” Shawn grabbed his hand. His skin felt too hot,
even in the cool air from the open window. “Even if you give yourself to
Topanga the way you want to, I’ll always have a bigger part of you. Always. We
belong to each other. And if you marry Topanga, you’re only gonna realize it
when you’re thirty, and you’ll break her heart, and by then I’ll have drank
myself to death or disappeared to God knows where, and you won’t be able to
have me anymore. Not like this. And I know you want me, Corey.” Corey could
feel Shawn’s breath on his lips, and he had to close his eyes to pull away.
“So you’re threatening me?” he finally managed to say. “If I don’t break up
with Topanga, if I marry her, you’ll die and I’ll never see you again? That’s
not fair, Shawn.”
“Shit!” Shawn ran his fingers through his hair. “Corey, I’m supposed to be the
stupid one, so why are you so dense? Why don’t you get anything?” He kissed
Corey on the lips, hard. “Do you get this? I need you, Corey. And you need me.”
“Shawn—”
“No. I’m not going to let you lie to yourself, or to me. We’ve never lied to
each other, Corey, not ever.” Shawn kissed him again. A real kiss, this time,
hot and wet and so so good, and before Corey realized it, they were pressed
together, panting against each other’s mouths.
“This is a bad idea, Shawn,” Corey found himself saying, but his hands were
already straying beneath Shawn’s shirt. His skin was hot and so soft, like a
girl’s skin, but not. Harsh hair on his belly, hard muscle.
“My whole life is a bad idea, Corey,” Shawn breathed. “Now shut up. You always
listen to me, remember? I’m your best friend.”
Their clothes came off almost too quickly, before Corey really realized what
was going on—Shawn was too good at that, and Corey had to make himself think
about something besides Shawn with his hands on some girl’s body.
He couldn’t see much of anything. Just the occasional gleam of moonlight off
the curve of Shawn’s shoulder, the gleam of his smile in the dark. Mostly he
just felt, soft and hot and hard beneath his hands, against his body. And this
was Shawn, Shawn naked against him. Nothing could ever be strange with Shawn
because everything about him was so familiar, even the taste of his skin. Even
their legs tangled together, and small hard nipples brushing against his chest,
and hot breath everywhere. Shawn kept panting, making strange little moans, and
when Corey covered his mouth with one hand, Shawn sunk his teeth into it.
It didn’t take long, because Shawn was so desperate, and Corey so
inexperienced. Shawn came first, hot and wet and sudden against Corey’s hip,
and then slid his hand down to wrap around Corey’s dick.
The whole time, he was panting in Corey’s ear, hot and dirty. “No matter who
else you’re with in your lifetime, even if you marry Topanga and make love to
her a thousand times, I’ll always be there. You’ll always feel my fingerprints,
here.” He squeezed, and Corey gasped. “And every time your heart beats like
this, you’ll think of me.”
“Yes,” Corey gasped, and came into Shawn’s fist. “Yes. Yes. I know.”
Afterwards, he shut his eyes and it was quiet. He heard the sheets rustling a
little, and the sound of Shawn’s tongue as he licked his hand clean, and he
squeezed his hands into fists to keep from pulling Shawn to him, kissing him.
Then Shawn dropped on top of him, hot sweaty skin sticking to Corey’s own. His
hair was soft against Corey’s neck.
“Okay,” Shawn said quietly. “Now you can marry her. Because I’ll always have
that part of you. This part of you,” and Shawn squeezed Corey’s cock one more
time, until Corey moaned and pushed his hand away, too sensitive to touch right
now. “But I still love you, Corey. And I’ll be there when you’re thirty, and
you realize how much you need me.”
“I love you, too,” Corey whispered.
They fell asleep like that, and in the morning Corey woke up alone. The window
was open, and he could still smell Shawn on his sheets, on his hands and his
naked skin.
He took a long, hot shower and put his clothes on, and then he called Topanga
so he could tell her he loved her.
END
